A Rack to Remember
Edited audio transcript

Edited from an automatic transcription of the original recording. Strong language is masked; selected personal asides and adult material are marked [Editorial omission.]. Transcription errors may remain, especially in names and lyrics. Timestamps come from the source; paragraphs split for readability can share a timestamp. The original recording contains adult language and themes. Announcements and offers reflect the recording date.
Source: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1880667/episodes/12040726-a-rack-to-remember.mp3

[0:15] Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents Daft Monks the Podcast.

[0:20] Hey Nate, long time no um C. No C, no talk, no anything, Nate. What the hell, man?

[0:28] I'm a terrible friend. It's been uh we've had a break, you know, but I think the the pod's still going strong, just like our friendship, you know. We don't have to see or talk to each other every day, and we we know, you know, we know.

[0:41] When you know, you know, Nate. And I know that we didn't record the last eight months or so.

[0:48] It's been a it's been a doozy. I had that move. Yeah, yeah, that was huge. I had no internet that was reliable for a long time.

[0:57] And then I was just coming in hot on you. I remember one of our last sessions. I like called out every time somebody made a noise in the background. I'm like, someone just dropped a spoon, and you're like, Yep, that's exactly what happened.

[1:08] Oh, and I was getting it from both ends. Like, I was hearing it from you, and then like dad would come out and be like, Why are you gonna make noise all night?

[1:15] I'm like, what the [expletive] am I supposed to do, man?

[1:18] Yeah, it was it was just uh I I think we did the right thing, honestly. It just wasn't the right time, it wasn't fun anymore, and if we're not having fun, like how the [expletive] are people gonna listen to us if we're listening anymore? I don't I don't even know. Oh, they're still listening. Germany's number three right now. It is, it is so yeah. Uh I already obviously named recapping this for the listeners that may do or do not exist, but we got our like year in review for last year for the podcast, and some interesting things there. Uh, one was that we did have a couple of different listeners in like 30 different countries.

[1:18] I'm sure a lot of that's like maybe bots or crawlers or whatever, but what's kind of undeniable was like, yeah, Germany was like had like 90 listens, which is like pretty high, and and that's also not a country I'd expect like bots from, you know. So except for maybe Nightbot. Maybe he's from Deutschland. Nightbot never gave up, even when we stopped publishing episodes, still listening to our show. Number one super fan, Dr. Schoen, Nightbot V Gates. What's crazy, Nate, is uh I was so I'm kind of glad we took a break. I think it was really able to like take a step back and and see, you know, think about like why we did this in the first place, what's fun.

[1:18] And then back when I was like editing this like heavily, I would listen to like the same episode like a hundred times. Like that's not even like an exaggeration. And so we took a break, I didn't listen to it for a few months, and then you had mentioned something, and I was like, I really want to go back and listen to like one of my favorite episodes. And it was so refreshing to like after not hearing it for like eight months, to be like, oh, this is still kind of these are good times. These are some funny talks.

[2:59] Right. And then uh I I would still listen to them all the time. It's really the only podcast I listen to, not to be like tooting my little horn or anything, but everything else is [expletive] compared to what we make. Uh but then uh I would listen to it in the work truck on Bluetooth, and then I'd force whoever's riding with me to listen to them. And I would usually be driving and I'd be looking over, like, hey, that's [expletive] funny, right? Like, kungaloo, like you get it? Did they ever laugh? Were there laughs? Oh, there are laughs, and a lot of them were like, oh man, I'm gonna check this out.

[2:59] In fact, uh our warehouse guy, Donnie, that we now play DD with, [expletive] loves the show, apparently, and I don't blame him, but he's our demographic for sure.

[3:42] Yeah, we're playing uh we have that campaign with Donnie's crew. Thanks for inviting me to that. That's been fun.

[3:48] Yeah, that's been really fun. That's uh it's nice and refreshing to find an actual good group, you know, of people like we've tried before, and I know I've tried before at the mall or even online to try to find somebody. Like I went out and bought the cyberpunk book thinking, oh, me and Nate are gonna try cyberpunk. And just to find a group for that is a [expletive] mess, man. Like, especially for beginners, like everybody on there is like intermediate to advanced players only for my campaign. Like, I don't want to be walking anybody through it.

[4:19] Like, and he sent me that book, and I'm like, this is a thick [expletive] text. This is not a light read. And even like even if it were the same, like I'm pretty sure it's like thicker than the the PHP, but for DD, but it was also like dense material, like it was not light filler content. So uh it but it honestly I still want to do that sometime. Oh, I do too. Figure that out, right?

[4:42] Uh but man, super intimidating. Like you said, the only thing that the only class I would even want to play would be like the rocker boy one, because then I get like some kind of cult following, which I plan on anyways in real life. It would be like the wizard class, the whole thing is super [expletive] weird where there's like a mini game inside of the game, and you have to like follow these dungeons and battle these other monsters that you're not even really battling. Like, holy [expletive], I couldn't keep up just reading it, let alone playing it.

[5:11] That's wild. And you know me, like I usually look to you guys to just summarize the content. So it's like if you haven't gotten through it yet, like I'm [expletive].

[5:18] Just roll a dice. Like, I don't know what dice to [expletive] roll, man. Yeah. Oh man.

[5:24] All right, so uh let's give uh like top top three things that happened to you last year. Top, and then I don't know, we don't have to be negative, but if there's any like really not great things, I don't know. Oh highlights.

[5:36] Uh highlight number one is we went to the North Pole experience finally, um, in Flagstaff, Arizona, and that was super awesome. Roscoe had the time of his life. Corbin, eh, not so much, but he's at the age where he's like, Dad, I have to tell you a secret. And I'm like, Oh my god, Corbin, what is it? I know Santa's not real. And I'm like, oh Corbin move. But he's not spoiling it for Roscoe, right?

[6:06] No, he's going out of his way to make sure. That's cool, because I know a lot of kids, like, once the oldest knows, they ruin it for the other. Right. The others can't have that magic anymore.

[6:15] Right. He's trying his best to keep it together. Luckily, the holidays are over. We made it a year of him knowing and not spoiling it. Uh, the highlight of it was not only the smile on Roscoe's face, but it was at one point we were supposed to be having hot cocoa with Mrs. Claus, and an elf named Missy came over to Corbin and saw him sitting there not enjoying in the winter festivities and said, Hey, would you like to dance with me? And uh let me tell you, Nate, as a straight male, Missy was the only attractive lady elf to be working at this entire establishment. So I immediately started elbowing Corbin and was like, Missy. He immediately became embarrassed and buried his face in Megan's armpit, and I felt really bad about that.

[6:15] But that's a reasonable reaction at that age. Me being me, I wouldn't let it go for about uh three weeks after the fact. So even now, I'll be like, hey Corbin, uh, Missy left a letter from the North Pole for you if you're interested.

[7:26] He's gonna be married and have children, and you're still gonna be like telling the story.

[7:31] Harry Corbin, do you remember Missy the Elf? What a good dame she was. She had a great personality. Oh, I'm gonna kill her ass.

[7:45] I think we're when bad with Corvin is I remember last year for Christmas, or the year before, rather, uh, like Santa had like slapped his hand away during like a photo or something, right? And I think after that he's like, There's no [expletive] Santa. Santa wouldn't slap my hand away. Yeah, like I think he put it all together all after that, you know.

[8:04] Oh, yeah. After that specifically, we had to have the talk where it's like, hey, the guys at the mall are just Santa's helpers, man. Like Santa wouldn't really push your head out of the picture like that. So you know, like, and then I think it started unraveling from there. He's a he's a genius, you know, so it didn't take long for the cogs to start turning on that.

[8:28] Certainly not. Okay, yeah. So Santa's workshop, anything else? Any any other highlights? I mean, moving, I think, was like stressful, but at the end of the day, now I think do you like your house more than your aunt's house?

[8:40] Um, the house itself. Eh, it's okay.

[8:44] Oh my god.

[8:46] I thought you were gonna lie. No, but you're close to babysitters.

[8:52] Yes, and family, and I'm making uh quite a bit more money here, which I do enjoy that. Yeah. And I'll tell you off the air what kind of money I'm making. But hell yeah. Uh but yeah, it's blown away what I was making before. So, and I I like this little town. Like, there's a a rampant slew of homeless, apparently, that have sprung up since I've left, along with a new population of wild horses and donkeys that just roam the highways, which is the most dangerous place to [expletive] roam. I mean, kid you're not nate. There are signs on the side of the highway that say caution wild burrows. Like, oh, okay. But people [expletive] it'll apparently burrows in the dead of night like to just stand on asphalt, like that is their favorite go-to.

[8:52] Oh my god. Dark.

[9:46] Oh, yeah. Yikes. Well, sounds like overall a good situation, though.

[9:51] Yeah, I think so. I think overall, like it's it's it was a rough start, but I think anytime you make a big move, it's a rough start until you get the hang of things. But we're we're in the swing now.

[10:02] And the market only got worse, you know, after you after your move. So as stressful as it was, it could have been even worse. So yes, exactly.

[10:10] Like we're lucky that we found a house at the time we did, even though I'm paying a little bit more than I actually wanted to for this kind of house, but we have a house, so I'm excited. And I have good internet.

[10:22] I can't thank God. Yeah, so that was a deal breaker. I uh that'll make a man crumble. And you did in fact implode. Oh, yeah.

[10:31] Cause every night I'm like, mom, what the hell's up with the internet man? And she's like, Well, it's the internet company. And I'm like, What are you what are you paying for? Oh, they promised 40 megabits a second. I'm like, let me do a speed test. Okay, we're getting 18 megabits a second. All right. Yeah, it's like borderline DSL at that point. Right. I'm like, where's the modem? Let me like dial up here, like get on AOL. Maybe Nate wants to talk in a chat room on AOL Messenger.

[11:01] I remember one one time we record one of our last episodes we recorded, and like the software we used, it uploads both of our audios on both ends, like on your side and my side. And mine was done like 20 minutes after I got offline and I woke up the next day and yours was still uploading. I was like, all right, cool.

[11:19] Rally this tomorrow, I guess. Oh man, I was like, oh, I had to go in and change my settings on my [expletive] PC so it wouldn't knock into sleep mode and ruin the recording all night.

[11:29] Yeah, it was it was a lot to ask. So I appreciate you trying to make it work those first few months, um, but wasn't wasn't meant to be. But we are not uh that easily shaken. Sure, we took a year off, but uh we're back and we're gonna finish at least to some extent the season two story so you guys get a little bit of closure.

[11:50] Yeah, you can't bring us down. What about you, Nate? What is a highlight of 2022 2022?

[11:59] Yeah, yeah. For me, uh we adopted a third cat, a kitten. Oh so we got all we had like a like a white and yellow and like a Brindle cat, and so we adopted, we kept joking we wanted a gray one, and we went to Bekko one day just to get litter, and they have the like there's always like adoption, like an adoption area always like populated, and there was this one little kitten all alone. It was super chill, it was like very lethargic. Like it has like the holes to like put your finger through, which I'm like, oh don't do that, they could like bite you, but it just like laid there, and I was like, Oh, I feel so bad for this animal.

[11:59] And so we're like, [expletive] it, let's let's adopt it right now. And it's it's um it's like a nice in-between of Ben and Opa because Oppa is very standoffish, and then Ben is like on top of you, on top of you, on top of you, and like he won't like just sit on your lap and then you pet him, like he's just crawling around and crawling around, like doesn't stay still. So this one like likes to play, it's a kitten, but it also will just sit on my lap and like chill the [expletive] out and watch TV. Yeah, so like that's what I was looking for. Yeah. You look over at Ben, you're like, see, this is how you should be, son of a [expletive]. Ben Ben is adapted pretty well.

[11:59] Appa hates everything, like she has not a da like the cat can at best the kitten can like sit right next to her, but if it touches her, she like bats it in the face and hisses at it. Like everything suck a bunch, yeah, suck a bunch. Exactly, exactly. So uh, but yeah, expanding our family. And then I think a really good thing that came out of us taking a break from the podcast for me was that we had started the podcast before I switched jobs, and I never fully like got over being like new and like the like stress of you know, like the new role. And once we stopped like recording, I'm like, well, I guess I have to take my job seriously now.

[11:59] And like after that, I actually started being a lot less stressed. I got a lot better at my job, I got like a raise, a promotion, like what things just started going my way. So and now I actually like I I didn't dislike my job, but I was had like I was on the fence of like, do I really want to do this forever? Like, it's I'm not sure if it's for me. And it now I I really love my team and I love what I do. So kind of gave me the room to grow there.

[14:11] Ooh, I like that. Yeah. But in my head, I'm picturing you still at the adoption place, and then over the intercom speaker, it's doing that like in the yellow submissive thing, can I love it?

[14:25] It's kind of wild too, because it was one of those things where I kept like trying to give myself an out. Like, we got there and we saw it. I'm like, yeah, we can adopt it, but it was like 30 minutes till close. I'm like, oh, but they're probably closing. And the guy's like, oh no, well, we'll we'll stay late to so you can adopt the animal. It's like, oh son of a [expletive]. They're like, oh, but you gotta call the adoption agency. I'm like, oh, they're not gonna be open right now. They're like, no, they call back at all hours, and they called us back. I'm like, it just kept going out that route of like, okay, I guess we're taking this [expletive] cat. Right.

[14:51] They're like, oh, the machine's down, I don't have cash. Like, oh, it's okay, we'll spot you. Yeah, basically. You're taking this cat.

[14:58] That's almost exactly how it went. So crazy stuff. But all right, that's enough for uh boring life events. Um, I think today's topic, well, first I want I want to establish what the show is gonna be from here on out. Yes. And the general theme is less. Just less every less planning. The whole D D element, I think we're scrapping. Um, I think we like to role play. We might use like probability, like a dice roll to decide if things are successful, but we're not gonna plan DD stuff, we're not gonna do boring battle, which was always honestly when I listen back to the episodes, the least like exciting part of my of every episode we I heard. Yes, yeah, I agree. Yeah, so I think um we're just gonna have more fun with it.

[14:58] We're not gonna plan as much for you guys. I'm not gonna edit the episodes as much. So you're gonna hear us talking over, you're gonna hear Nate's phone go off. Um, some loud vaping breathes.

[15:53] I haven't vaped once since we've been recording. I've been trying to. It's been 10 minutes, Nate.

[15:58] I think you create a real critic. Um, but yeah, I think we're just gonna have fun with it, and I hope that makes uh still uh a fun show for you guys. But um, we need to just make it manageable, you know. We got families and lipes, and me trying to like push us to be the next critical role podcast isn't gonna happen. So right. So deal with it. You like us, we know you like us, Deutschland. So similar though, we'll still do like uh whatever, talk about what we want. Or today I actually had I don't know if I call an activity, Nate, but like a topic and some some material for us. AI, I think, has been like a really big trend lately. Terrifying, terrifying. Yeah. Oh yeah.

[15:58] And the and if you remember, listeners, I know it's been a minute since uh we aired our show, but Nate's the kind of guy that like doesn't even want to use the self-checkout at the gas station. Like he doesn't want to use the app. He doesn't like Nate's very anti-technology sometimes, and so AI is like 17 steps ahead of anything he wants to do. It's too much. It's too much. I'll trust it, not one bit. But in the last few months, Nate, it's like the technology has started to become like wildly accessible and it's pretty good. So have you heard about this like the chat GBT? Um, it's like a chat bot, basically. Uh no, not really, no. Okay, so um some like researchers were building it. It's like an AI chatbot.

[15:58] You can like ask it a question like a search engine, but it will actually like if you're like, what is the code for this? It'll like explain, it's like here's the code, and it explains how the code works. Like it the AI is is just so intelligent. I had it actually, I asked it. We we we don't have a Wikipedia page for my company. I was like, write a Wikipedia page, and it did, and it was not bad. Whoa, it's pretty good, yeah. Between that, that was like going like all the rage on the internet, because basically what's happening now is of course, we always think of ways to exploit this kind of stuff, and people were using it to write research papers.

[15:58] Like, it does a really good job at like it's really good at dialects, so not only can it like find stuff on the internet like a search engine, but then it can write incredibly cohesively in like natural language, like about that topic. So people are like writing research papers for school and they're abusing it. I like people are using it to like do press releases for work. It's it's kind of wild. Right. Yeah, I guess you haven't tried it at all. It's it's no, absolutely not.

[18:16] Like, how does how does it no? Does it like does it do slang too, or does it keep things kind of formal?

[18:22] Like, is it saying no cap or uh whatever else the kid No, I wasn't I think it uses like proper English, but I think I think it's like grammatically correct, but it you know, we speak differently than we we write. And it was it was kind of like a nice combination, like nice middle ground of the two. Like it felt like somebody was actually talking the way it wrote, versus like you know what a thesis statement sounds like, you know, like there are seven continents. The first continent is called but you know, it like it wasn't writing like that, it was more like kind of how I would describe it to you. Like, oh yeah, there's seven continents we live on, you know, this one, North America or whatever. So pretty wild. Scary.

[18:22] But that's the boring side of it. I just wanted to like introduce that because that was like the last three months. And by the way, that whole thing got acquired by Bing, because everybody, nobody uses Bing. They do use Bing. No, I do not use Bing. Like, I'm uh no, I could see Google being a Bing guy right after I said it. I'm like, oh, I could see you just use it by default.

[19:16] So Google just up. So I just use Google. And remember, I was using Microsoft Edge for the longest time until you told me to stop. And then I'm like, oh, okay. Maybe I'll just download this Google Chrome thing, mate's talk. I'm out.

[19:29] Yeah.

[19:30] Yeah.

[19:30] Okay. All right. So uh anyway, the last part of that story was that uh I think uh Microsoft bought that like whole chat GPT thing to like use with Bing. So now Bing's gonna be like a crazy OP search engine that will also like answer questions like in real time and like write you descriptions and stuff. So that's interesting. So I can put my half-ass searches in there and it'll be like, hey, but I got you. I think I know what you're talking about. So someone gave me an example, it can make you character sheets for DD. Whoa, dead serious. Yeah, I'll I'll send you a link after this and uh I'll send you like a screen capture.

[19:30] But yeah, it can do it can do stuff like that, it can create like formats and and whatnot. It's it's crazy. Dang. But anyway, tonight I want to talk about something even more terrifying, and that's uh the AI avatar trend on social media. So before tonight and eight, had you heard of anything about social media.

[20:25] No, but I've seen like sometimes I'll search, scroll through whatever, and I've seen a bunch of different people posting things, and it just looks like some art, you know, but it looks like somebody made it. And most of the ones I've seen, it does look like the person. But I saw that they tagged like it was AI or whatever, and I don't understand it. I don't know if I want to understand it. Because I saw like a little side note before we get too heavy into it. I saw like a little side note documentary on like one of these Japanese artists like drawing, and he's like, Well, but there was like a panel of people watching him, and he's like, Why do you guys want to know how I draw?

[20:25] And they were like, Oh, so we can teach a machine to do it. And he was like, Oh, and then on the side interview, he's like, I believe this is the end. Oh my god, I know it is.

[21:13] It it definitely is. Um, and I mean, like, right, obviously implications. So, what what this does, if you download the app, it asks for like five to ten selfies of view or photos, gives you some rules, can't be in groups, no glasses, so on and so forth. And then it just creates like dozens of variations, and like some of them are cartoons, like some of them are trendy things. Cyberpunk is a whole category, which we can really get into. Um, and yeah, I I finally I was [expletive] bored. Honestly, it was because I was waiting for you, or we're starting like pretty late my time, like 10 o'clock, 9 30. And I was like, uh, I don't know. Let me try this out.

[21:13] And I'm not one to like worry about, like, sure, they're like, Oh, they're collecting your facial scans so that they can enter you in a database. And the reality in my mind is if someone wants to hack you, like they can like truly like you and I, as just like everyday people and consumers with like consumer computers and technology and hardware, like, we're not able to stop a hack if we wanted to. The thing is, we're such Small fish. Like, imagine someone hacking our account. What the [expletive] are they going to find? Like, debt. We're not the big fish that they're going after. So I'm not super worried about giving up my security. I know, like, your son, for instance, would probably be very against even just like pictures, sharing pictures for a filter.

[21:13] Anywho, I uh yeah, I entered in my photos and some of them, right? Like some of them were interesting, some of them were funny. I thought some of them were really funny. I had some like real villain ones, some like Cyber Commander, Space Marine stuff, a lot of like things that made me look like [expletive] Constantine.

[22:50] Ooh, yeah, there's a lot of those. I'm definitely getting the vibes like when you play the RPG games, like uh the god mode or god level ones. Yep, yep. How those character pictures come up. There's a lot that look just like those, and I love those.

[23:06] There were there was like two themes for my photos, basically, or for the images it it delivered back to me. It was either majestic, you know, like I'm like regal looking and just like staring off with like regalia and like crazy armory and armament and stuff, or I just looked very deranged and like misassembled. And that was really it. It was one or the other. That was it. But then we did you, and I'm sorry, I didn't even ask you, probably should ask your permission, but I'm like, I have to do this. Like, I I need to know. And Nate, your stuff was absolutely wild. And do you want to talk about it a little bit? Like, what were your impressions when I sent your AI rendered various appears?

[23:47] Uh, first of all, I didn't mind because it is what it is, but going through mine, um, I have a I guess uh this is news to me, a very uh distinct, I guess, um, burl, I guess you could say, in my eyebrows. Like it looks like I'm scowling all the time. And this AI apparently latched onto that, like no one's business, because every single [expletive] picture has that in it. It's got the three bucking lines, like right there, Nate. I'm making the face at you right now. It's it loves that. And uh, for those of you at home that can't see, it's just three vertical lines that go down in between my eyebrows, and it loves it.

[24:31] It like even a lot of times it gives him like a very like stirred and exaggeration, and it's like, okay, that kind of works, but then it will soften his face, but still give you those three vertical lines. Yes, that's one of the things. There was a lot of themes with your photos.

[24:45] Oh, yeah. Um, patchy beard. It loved patchy beards. Yeah. Um, there is one that is showing me with like high sleeves, and it's supposed to look like my arms are crossed, but really it's a a Yuna arm, like a long sausage going from shoulder to shoulder with an assortment of tattoos. Um, one of which actually looks like a swastika for some reason that really startled me when I was scrolling through it quickly. I was like, what the [expletive] is that?

[25:17] I used the I used I only had like obviously Nate, I don't have like [expletive] tons of photos on you on my phone because that'd be weird. So I really just had like three from when we used to record, and you always almost wore that like D D shirt that literally said Dungeons and Dragons. So it kept literally putting you in like red clothing and spelling gibberish on your chest. It's so [expletive] hilarious. Honestly, uh, the themes I got was it got crazy with your hair, and that's so funny because that is like a joke with you on the podcast. Like, right, we always joke about how into your hair you are, that's kind of a real life thing. But then, like, like Nate, like this one cracks in the what's going on?

[25:55] It's so wild. So um, the picture Nate's referring to is um how I kind of do like a pompadour style hairdo. This one has me in a kimono looking off to my right shoulder majestically, but my pompadour is approximately two feet tall and flowing back and doing something that is completely unnatural for hair. Imagine like a woman from the the 60s, maybe that would have like a big bob going on and higher the hair closer to God type deal. Yes, I am a Texas mother in this picture, getting ready to get my daughter off to the little Miss Princess pageant.

[26:37] It's like if I were to mathematically say, like, in terms of like the height of your head, the pompadour it put on top of your head in that photo is about 68% of the height of your head on top of your head. It's wild. To the very peak, and I love it. It's it's so crazy, Nate. And then other themes were hats. Boy, did it like putting you in big flamboyant hats.

[27:04] And uh Nate's not joking by these hats. Like the first one that comes up uh, if we're scrolling in order, is like a military-esque style flat brim, which is uh it's fine. But then we immediately go to the next hat, and that is this uh Aztec headphone uh helmet hat that takes up more of the picture than my actual face. It is the craziest. I'm looking at this thing, and it's the craziest looking thing I've ever seen in my life. I don't even know how it's really attached to my head because my ears are kind of just floating in the back there.

[27:45] It very much gave me like almost like a Rogue One stormtrooper helmet, but then it's like you but then it goes Aztec, and then in the background you have flowers in the background.

[27:54] Yes, it is so oh my goodness, it's absolutely wonderful. Which is giving me very codal con vibes from Mortal Kombat. But the the edges are like these Princess Leia Donut headphone looking things. So I mean, but if we're gonna go to the next hat, that is just a here's looking if you kid hat with a some Gryffindor style uh maybe professor robes on. But then it went ahead and threw in some gibberish writing and a number 16 on the chest because that is what AI knows that I want. And then, of course, we have sausage arm, which is a one arm that goes from shoulder to shoulder. Then we go to the next hat. This one, I am shirtless wearing some maroon burgundy cloth draped over my shoulder, over my pectoral.

[27:54] I look kind of like Rain from Mortal Kombat 11, except for the hat. They decided to give me an Indiana Jones style hat. But the the background lighting goes very well with this Indiana Jones hat. Stop it.

[29:01] And it just goes on and on. It goes on and on. Right. So you're I could not like I'm crying laughing right now. I don't know if the listeners can hear it, but while I was and like your commentary helps, but also when I was like looking at these, I was just dying. My my photos weren't this weird, right? They were so much weirder, and the photos I had of you were very normal just sitting at the mic for the like the podcast. That was it. It's it's so crazy, Nate.

[29:25] Right. But I I do appreciate the in in the more like uh hyper-realistic looking ones, the lighting on these AI-generated photos is bananas, like they nail the lighting and the shadows and stuff, and it really makes things pop. But then you scroll through, and then you get to something where I don't even know what I'm looking at. Here's the one Nate was just talking about where the wind is blowing through my hair, and it looks like I have severely chapped clips with Mordor behind me in the background, and I just don't know what's going on. I kind of look like the guy from The Boys, the uh Superman bad guy. Uh yeah, you know what I'm talking about?

[30:09] I can't I got a lot of that too. I wonder if they use because I I I in mine I also felt like I got a lot of uh that that main antagonist. Yes, yes.

[30:18] But very cool pictures. Uh when they they nail it, they nail it right. Like there's there's definitely like five or six in here that I really like and could see using them in something. Definitely a couple of the cyberpunk ones. I look like I'm a member of the Ballantinos in one of them. If you follow cyberpunk lore, like that is super cool to me. I like the Valentinos. But then we have when we scroll further, Nate, there's uh a section I think that I'm a label, and you had quite a few as well, as a snow princess. And it decided to make us both snow princesses, uh, some more than others. This one I am definitely a Russian nobility wearing white fur.

[30:18] But then if we go to the funny one, yes, the helmet, but then we go to the really funny one past the uh czar, and it looks like I stole a hat. Again, a hat. It looks like I stole this hat from Queen Elizabeth. And it for me to describe it to the fans at home, it is a blue background. Again, it threw red on my inside lapels, and I am wearing this blue. It looks like a lady's coat. I'm not gonna lie, the way the material is. Now, this hat. This hat is one of those bucket-style hats with some blue plumage, and there is a royal jewel, I think was their attempt at throwing in random letters again. And actually, this is the only picture that doesn't have my little frown with lines.

[30:18] So I don't know what to think of.

[31:51] Because you were super into that hat, man. I I think so. You know how like in southern congregations, like at church, like the women wear like big, big hats with like feathers on it and stuff? Yes. This is what that picture gave me when I saw that. I'm like, you're going to Sunday Mass, you're like head of the the pageantry, head of the choir, and you were just and then your expression is just it's price. I don't even know like what you're looking up at.

[32:16] You're just I'm looking at Becky Sue, and she brought in brownies for the afternoon luncheon and I'm like, This [expletive].

[32:24] It's it was it was a good time, date. It was, it was a good laugh. Um, I'm not concerned about if these go in some like Chinese database. Um, in one picture, I mean, honestly, every three pictures you were a different race. Yeah. And not because of it was like trying to do that on purposely. I think it had trouble pinning you down. Um, you're like, you're Samoan. Oh, now you're black. It like I think it was just kind of struggling with interpreting right with my dark hair and tan complexion.

[32:54] I argued with a new guy today that I'm not Mexican. And he's he's a Mexican guy, and he's like, No, you're Mexican. I'm like, dude, I'm telling you, I did a 23 in me, and I am Welsh and Irish. And he's like, You don't have to lie to me.

[33:08] It's wild because like, I don't know, you you give me like Mediterranean for sure. Like, I don't know. So it's it's wild, mate. Like, you are you in an enigma, and I don't think you have anything to worry about. If uh probably if this enters in your system and people try to like imitate you, it's gonna look like some really weird, um, flamboyant, angry uh curicature that will look nothing. Right.

[33:30] So like it looks like I'm the future, like when all the the races mix together, this is what the AIR generated for my pictures. But if we're gonna move, I want to go back to Nate's pictures. Now there is one where you are the it's one of the ice princess ones, Nate. Yep, and it's the the one that you sent me where I don't know if you have ever seen uh Beauty and the Beast, the TV series. I don't know. You should pull that up in a side window right now, Beauty and the Beast TV series, I believe is from the the 90s, and the AIR generated Nate's face in such a way that it made him look exactly how my memory is recalled.

[33:30] That is not it to your it took your nose and completely squished it, but left it the same height outward. So we're talking about wait, are you talking about the top one? The top one. Yeah, the top one. Yep, absolutely. And then it dropped your ears down super low, and it gave you this look where you're like, hey, that's the guy who's slow. If the older brother dies, he's gonna be king.

[34:43] So like let's take it easy. And I gotta be honest, Nate, like I didn't send you a lot of my bad ones, and I have a lot of like weird stuff where yours were just all like hilarious. I had a lot of like uncomfortable, like here. I'll share. Uh well, the app has like one really terrible, like annoying user feature where you can't if you click on the image, it takes you to the start of the images, which is so. Let me see if I can like I got like weird [expletive] like that. Like, let me see. Was that a hood or a hair swoop? Who knows? Look at this guy. The guy I kind of like that's like an anime style.

[34:43] It it did a lot, and then I will say, Nate, yours almost always made you look very masculine, like flamboyant hats, but masculine man. Right. But I definitely had some like I want to call them lady boys. I don't know. I had some that they definitely like, hold on. I think I must have made duck face in one of mine because like my lips in all of them look a lot like that. Like they're like really red and like cursed out. Yes, yes. But hold on, where is the one that really made me? I got one more for you guys before we move on. Where I just really felt kind of feminized in not in like here it is.

[34:43] Alright, it's gonna be hard to get the camera to zero in, but like I was like, this is a this is a bottom. This is a twig bottom who's looking for a pounding.

[36:14] Right. No, I saw that one and immediately thought, I don't know if it's like the the dog collar thing. See, well yeah, what's it doing to your face? Because you're kind of looking like like it's giving you that sheldon forehead, and you don't have a sheldon forehead.

[36:30] I I got my you you're blessed with a hairline that looks normal, but mine is receding Nate, and I think it uh sometimes it very much exaggerated it quite a bit. But yeah, good times. Um, do we recommend you do it? It's probably bad from a security standpoint, but um it was it was a good time. And also it gave me like what 200 photos for like five dollars or something. So I was like, whatever. It was it was it was worth a laugh. I think I got maybe three or four maybe cool avatars for like Discord or something out of it. Right. Or DD characters for definitely. Yeah, because I I mean we have every NPC here.

[36:30] We have the like the like the local commoner, and then we have like the czar, and like we have a version of us in like every single like ridiculous stereotype and like a DD campaign. So I definitely find the Izzy's joke of us. That's terrifying. Like, I kind of want to like pretend to be a professional DM and then like for that group use tokens of only me. Just different versions of me, but not address it, like just pretend like it's totally normal. You're like, what? I downloaded all these images.

[37:44] Mine I could get away with, they'd be like, oh, it's a totally different guy, but why do all those characters have [expletive] hats? I'll be like, it's really sunny in this realm. Everyone needs to wear a [expletive] hat. Okay.

[37:55] Oh well, with that, I think um you wanna oh gosh, if assuming Belmont and uh Abraham Van Helsing are still alive, I guess we should recap for listeners who haven't listened in a year. Like, where do we leave off? And and Daft Monks and D-Hunters.

[38:10] I think that's a a good idea, Nate, and I think you should do that because I don't remember. No, I have listened up to the very last episode. So the last I remember is that we originally were retired. We uh gave that up, that life of adventuring, but then I couldn't help myself as uh Van Helsing and decided to seek out Bob Jobs, robbing the cemetery and such, and then uh ended up getting uh dread pirate Captain McNibbles, uh, some kind of potion on him that was supposed to go to you, but then that made him go into a fit of rage. Um, I remember Belmont being filled with extreme disappointment for a good majority of the episodes. Um uh we met Blade, he was a punk ass [expletive].

[38:10] Uh we met the penguin selling trinkets because it turns out he's just a stepdad out there trying to make his way through the world. Uh we killed some cannibal children, maybe. There's a shrine to Greta. Uh we met Littlefinger, but not really Littlefinger for copyright infringement reasons. But hey, he was totally Littlefinger. Uh, we stayed in the castle, we saw murals on the castle wall. Um, and from there, I think that's where I'm fading off because I'm not caught up.

[39:35] Yeah, so those are a lot of details that don't necessarily combine, tell a very great story. Um, but yeah, I think the whole premise of the first four episodes was we're pulled out of retirement. Make Dreadnought Captain Sky Pirate McNibbles was uh unfortunately beheaded because he was turned into a weird rat by uh Dracula's posse or whatever. Um and Dracula's back. He is now revived in full force. And what we come to find out, we go to like uh the Heron Vineyard uh church is where our like contexts are, and we're usually usually in this universe, the church like provides monster hunters with the equipment and the intel needed to kind of deal with these types of supernatural situations. But what we find out there is that actually all the churches have been infiltrated.

[39:35] This one, in fact, the uh the little finger character you talk about gets murdered, and we have a little murder mystery, and it turns out uh one of the nuns was a uh kind of covert Draculan agent. I forgot, she was some kind of like shadow creature or something. Yeah, was it was her name Mother's Sister? No, but you were you tried to disguise yourself as sister brother. Oh, yes, yeah, sister brother. Uh she was Sister Montgomery, and my favorite moment from that episode was like we start with four people, two of them die, and then Belmont finally figures out that it's the nun. So he so Belmont looks over at like and Helsing's like, can you help me with this kink in my neck? And like gesturing towards the nun.

[39:35] And he's like, I got you, my boy, and just stabs the other person. It was like, no, I meant the nun. And then the nun's like right there, and she just like transforms. Um, and then we're like, You [expletive], you killed San Juan Juan John San Chelsea. Yeah. So where we left off is we did defeat that like demon monster nun, and unfortunately, in doing so, burned down the entire church. But we made it out with both a contract and some intel that basically all the churches have been compromised and that we are on our own. We're some of the only monster hunters still alive, and it's up to us to deal with Dracula. I am caught up now. Thank you, Nate.

[41:49] The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our odds are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.

[42:07] I wouldn't quite say lost, as probably misplaced or something along those lines, but either way, fear not, for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.

[42:24] Where I think we were gonna go with the story today, I think after that time, Belmont suggested that we go to the Belmont Manor, since they can't stock up in any of the uh the parishes or the local um religious establishments that would usually serve as an armory. We're gonna go to the Belmont family home, which has long since been abandoned, Belmont being the last of his clan. But it has a number of really cool monster hunter tools and weapons and and kind of ancient texts that might might be helpful. And how we're gonna, for our listeners, how we're gonna play this going forward is we are we have like a goal in mind, and that is it for the episode.

[42:24] We are gonna real-time roleplay this and just work like roll a d20 to decide if certain actions pass or fail based on like the situation, and that's it. We're gonna we're gonna make the story up as we go. So it's probably gonna be very messy, might be a little funny, might not be. We'll we'll see how it goes. Uh, either way, it's gonna be funny. Like, oh, that's what we do. Absolutely. All right, uh, so yeah, I imagine we are walking in the woods, and uh Belmont is uh talking to Van Helsing, and he's like, I can't believe you pointed us in the wrong direction. You said you had the map and then you toyed it up, and I feel like it's been at least 12 months since we've actually done anything at Heron Vineyard.

[42:24] Like we totally got sideways and now it's been like a year, but it's not, it's only been three weeks, but it feels like a year in real lifetime.

[43:53] I did have a map. I don't know what you're talking about. This was a map to the Golden Corral Buffet, and that is where I wanted to go, but it turns out that was in the last town behind us. So you didn't ask which map I had, but in fact I had a map.

[44:10] Yes, yes, I I don't know why I ever assume anything other than the appsterous. Minimum from you, but I guess it's on me, right? It is my family home. You think I would know, you know, which way to go. But uh just to be honest with you, Van Helsing, I uh well, I haven't been home in a long time. It's kind of uh a lot of a lot of trauma there, and a lot of a lot of baggage, and I just I haven't wanted to deal with it, and I haven't wanted to be back there, but I I don't think we have a choice. We need to arm up.

[44:10] We're not ready to face Dracula in his current state without some of my family's redicks and tools, so it's time to face the music, as they say.

[44:44] Hmm. I'm expecting a warm welcome. I'm not I know you said it's empty, but I just can't picture that in my head. I'm just imagining right now that we walk in and there's trumpets playing and there's carpets rolled out, and somebody has hens and chickens and hogs with apples in their mouths just waiting for us to start. I'm starving.

[45:06] And as you say that, I imagine we like exit out of like the forest into like a clearing, and you see this like clearly abandoned, run-down, like foreclosed on property that like is a total like hazard to be in. It looks like a total [expletive] show, and I'm like, well, does that line up with your expectations?

[45:26] Where where are we? What is this? Is this the the keeper's house?

[45:32] No, this this is my home. This is the esteemed in Belmont Manor. It's uh been in a bit of disarray because nobody's taking care of it after my entire family was massacred by Dracula.

[45:43] Hmm, no nobody, huh? No uh no no kind person? No. No.

[45:49] Well who would just who would just take care of a house for no reason, right? Another guy mailing them a paycheck.

[45:55] No, sometimes a vagabond will come by and be like, oh, this place looks dirty.

[45:59] I'm an old head and Scott, I hope not. I hope no one homeless people have moved into my family home. Jesus, don't put that out there.

[46:06] Yeah, they've probably [expletive] all over the floor. They're not very nice people, those vagabonds for the most part.

[46:14] That totally get out of character for a sec. I I recently listened to the episode where those uh saleswomen sold you the vacuum cleaner that you didn't want. And that's when when you said [expletive] on the floor, it totally reminded us filthy.

[46:31] Now, if you wouldn't mind, Belmont, my boy, point me to the [expletive] correlation once we're inside. I've been holding it for quite some time. I don't like to go in the woods.

[46:40] Yes, okay, okay. Well, first off, I um I did seal this place with a spell last I I was here when I checked in briefly just to for bear necessity, so uh we just need to say the magic words that I entrusted with you.

[46:56] Oh, yes, the uh uh magic word was I rid it I wrote I wrote it down somewhere here on my my inner thigh. I thought it would be safer there. And it seems to have smeared quite a bit, so bear with me. It says Mumions Mumions, I believe was the word.

[47:18] Just then the door opens slowly and and Belmont's like, I was just [expletive] with you, Ben Husing. There's no magic words. I know you didn't. Well, I I gave you that magic word, I knew you'd forget about it. Munions. What even is that?

[47:32] Yeah, it's what's written on my thigh. I don't know what to tell you. It's like some kind of artificial intelligence, saw Dungeons and Dragons written on a shirt, and then decided to change the letters around and turn it into mungions, apparently.

[47:46] Ben Hessing, if we if we if if every word tattooed on your body was a magic word, then we'd have a whole lot of magic words and uh definitely at least one tramp step.

[47:56] That's true. I have Sheila written on my arm, but uh above that there's uh the little exponents and there's a twelve above that. So apparently I've known at least twelve Sheilas in my life. I don't have enough room for separate Sheilas.

[48:12] Uh okay. Excellent. Well, let's go in. Uh be careful. Uh honestly, this place has not been kept. Uh you might fall through the floorboards, things might collapse, uh, it's very dusty, you can't really see very much, so just don't touch anything. This is my home, uh, as much as a piece of [expletive] as it looks like right now. Lot of a lot of memories, a lot of a lot of good times, definitely a lot of bad times. Uh means a lot to me here. But uh let's go let's go get some things out of my room. I know I kept some things in my bedroom, and then there is an archive downstairs that has uh a number of our valuables, hopefully locked away still.

[48:49] Very well. I imagine you as we're walking up to your uh bedroom, I assume it's like on the top. Yeah, up a staircase or something. I imagine you running around as a little Belmont, getting into mischief, you know, doing cartwheels out in the grass and throwing your paper throwing stars, your origami, you know, and I just imagine all of this, and you look so nice. Uh um where are we? What is this place?

[49:15] Well, uh actually, if you want to see photos, we do actually have some uh you know, some sketches that were done back in the days and portraits of of the family. And you yes, I was a happier chipper boy. Here, uh right here in my mother's room. Come come here, I'll show show you.

[49:28] Ooh, yes.

[49:29] I opened the door into this, like very, I don't know, decorative, very feminine, has, you know, like lots of armoirs and mirrors. In addition to the fact that this whole property is abandoned, I would say this this bedroom looks like nobody inhabited it. Right. It didn't look like we really lived it. Right. And so Belmont's like, uh, so this is my mother's room. Uh we have a number of family photos and portraits here. Um, but you know, I I don't know if I ever told you uh Van Helsing about my mother, but uh she wasn't there for all of my childhood. Uh my father and her had a falling out when we were young, and and she was gone. And shortly later she died of some terrible illness.

[50:08] Oh, yes, but look at the rack on her. Van Helsing, that's my mother. Well, I know. Oh, but she's the one putting it out there, you know. Like obviously you're Lizzle and she only had a kid a little while ago, but she is flaunting the goods. You know what I'm saying? Can I keep this? No, you can't keep that for later.

[50:27] Look, I just I brought you in here to show you. Look at this photo. Like, see, this is I was happy once. I wasn't so cynical, I wasn't so so angry, so moody. I was I had people who love me and people who, you know, did those cartwheels and all those things. And it was all great until honestly, everything was going wonderful until my mother that one night I I remember waking up and my parents are fighting, and I went into their bedroom, and and I just hear my father saying, Really, how could you with him of all people? Oh yes.

[50:56] Yeah. Wow.

[50:58] Yeah, we don't know who we don't know who it was, but it's just some apparently it's my brothers and sisters said my mother was maybe, you know, unfaithful. I don't know. She slept with another man, then he has to. What a scandal. And after that, my my father couldn't look at her straight and she she just left.

[51:18] Mm. That is preposterous. I mean, man, your mother looks familiar as I'll get out. But man, what a terrible thing. You know, it really takes a special lady to leave a husband to go for a starming, stunning, I'm assuming, an of course, man to come in here. Homeworker.

[51:39] Homework is the term you're looking for, Matt Housing. After that, everything went to [expletive]. My father was an unloving, miserable person, and the only good qualities were brought out by my mother when she left. He just beat me wild, just aggressively beat me for anything. Even when I did things right, he just hit the [expletive] out of me. Oh, it was really brutal. And after that, you know, I I look a lot like my mom, even like the rack. I had like kind of little kind of like man [expletive] as a kid, you know, it was a little chubby. So even the rack kind of reminded him of her. So he he was very mean to me, very cool. And uh yeah, it all it all went downhill from here.

[51:39] But anyway, yeah, these were these are my family, and uh I don't know who that guy is. There's some picture of my mom with somebody. Uh actually it looks kind of like you then, Husing.

[52:22] Oh yes, that is me. In my younger days, I would go around just taking pictures with people, you know, no big deal. Like people would see me and they'd be like, oh wow, world famous monster hunter. Let me get your picture, and then we would have relations.

[52:36] And then after Wait, but what do you mean in relations? Hold on.

[52:39] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[52:41] I never saw this before. Wait, you're you're in a photo with my m you knew my mother?

[52:45] Apparently so. I thought that rack looked awfully familiar. Oh my god, fantastic. Why didn't you tell me you knew my mother? Well, I didn't honestly know it was her at the time. I didn't get a good look at her face, my boy.

[52:59] Oh my god.

[53:02] Oh God, do you know what happened to her? Do you even know what happened to my mother after she left? I am afraid I do know, but I can't tell you. It's it's too heart-wrenching. I look at these sad fat boy pictures of you, and it just breaks my heart. Terribly. Terribly. Look at look at those cheeks. They're so fat. I can see the shame when you were stuffing your In this picture you're holding a chicken leg.

[53:27] Don't don't turn this around on me, Van Helsing, okay? My mother died of a horrible disease. Promise me right now it wasn't the gift.

[53:33] I am 99.9% sure. Absolutely that it was the gift, and I'm sorry.

[53:44] No my god, Van Helsing, unbelievable. No, I don't believe this. My mother, no. We're gonna we're gonna put this out of my mind. Must have been an ancestor. I mean, Jesus, you're not that old anyway. Like, how how old are you, Van Helsing? Like what, like 40? 50? 62. Holy [expletive], that is about the right age. Okay. Well, moving on, I'm just gonna, you know, suppress that, repress that like most other memories. And uh here, my uh my room's up here, uh, right over here. And uh yeah, uh, you can uh you know come take a take a look and uh peer into the window that was Belmont as a child. All right.

[54:18] He's grabbing the the big picture of him and Mrs. Belmont try to bring him with him.

[54:25] So uh I'm gonna say Belmont doesn't notice, and as he opens the room to like show you into his room, he's like super proud. Um, but what you see is maybe not so much what you'd expect. It's very childish. Um there's like like imagine like whatever the medieval version of Beanie Babies is, like there's just like lots of like stuffed animals, there's like a lot of like really like like dolls and makeup and just things you wouldn't expect from a young, you know, male heir to uh a Monster Hunter clan. And he's like, Yeah, it is not quite how I remember it, but uh this was where a lot of the the the intense training happened, you know.

[55:08] Yes, intense training with all of these dallies. Lots of dollies.

[55:15] We don't call them dallies, they're action figures. That that one's a lady. But ladies can get action too. They're all ladies. There's not one man here. These are all ladies. It's fine.

[55:28] I mean the d the the males don't have options, they'll wear the same [expletive] uniform, but the women you could put on dresses, you could put on uh pent suits. It was it's it's a really definitive time for being being a lady. Uh but listen, it's not here or there. Look, I I'm just and I go under my bed and I pull out this like box and I blow dust, and I'm like, this is what we're looking for. And uh I open it up and you want to describe what we find in there?

[55:51] Um inside of this box is in fact a weapon. But not just any weapon. It is like a Cali stick, but it has like carvings on it of like little bears. And like little toys that were taken away from you when your mother left. I assume that this isn't the box wrong box.

[56:14] No, no, let me let me see it. What is that? It's a weapon, of course. You said we came here for weapons.

[56:20] That looks like a weapon. Uh yes, this this was well. This was my trading uh stick back in the day, but I don't remember it looking quite like this. It looks like you've made some modifications to it.

[56:31] Yes, is that perfect? Yeah, some runes. I think these are very uh very uh foreign uh ancient runes that you would not be able to see.

[56:40] Let me see that here.

[56:41] No, no, it's okay. You are quite the artist, Belmont, my boy, especially at a younger age.

[56:46] This one I can distinctly tell is you kissing a little teddy bear. Like the the handwork and craftsmanship in this stick is.

[56:56] Oh, give it back here, Van Helsing. Okay, don't pretend like you didn't play with the Notalis back in the day. Anyway, this is actually helpful. It has like some plus plus three of luck and some other [expletive] that we're probably gonna need in this dumb adventure. Okay? Listen, don't come into my house and start judging me, okay? Like just because you maybe knew my mom doesn't mean that this is your house, you know, your home.

[57:16] You know what? You're right. I have been here before.

[57:20] What the [expletive]?

[57:23] When? Let's see. I remember I remember an older brother, I remember an older sister, I remember a little maybe like five or six-year-old boy running around.

[57:37] Yes, that would that would be me, Trevor, and my sister Tara, and Teva. He was adopted.

[57:43] Yes, and then I and then I either remember coming back um three months later in my wagon and picking up this flucy, and we just took off and hit the road.

[57:57] Uh well, we just have a number of maids and and whatnot. Uh whatever, neither here nor there. I don't want to know about you and your history here. All right, we're gonna stop in my father's room. Um, I know he has a safe in there and that has some important information. Oh, yes, I'll lead the way. I know the way. So I'm gonna say, all right, yeah, you actually do know the way, and uh Belmont is getting increasingly more concerned about your history with his family history. And so we get into the father's room, and it's like definitely like what you would expect. Like, even though it wasn't like religious because his father was like another monster hunter, it was it was kind of what you'd imagine, like some like Quaker, some like religious zealot.

[57:57] Like it's just like very bare bones, like just pictures, there's just weapons and wood and nothing of no comfort items, no, you know, no vanity or anything like that. And Belmont takes down this like one portrait of the family that had his mother in it and uh and like lifts it up, and then behind it is a safe.

[58:54] Ooh, while you're doing that, uh Van Helsing is reaching up to the rafters and he's like feeling around like the crown moldy and stuff. He's like, Where are you? I know you're up here somewhere. There you are. And he pulls out a little rat tail looking thing, and he's like, Oh, yes, my lucky rat tail. I can't believe you're still here after all this time. Go back in my pocket.

[59:17] I'm gonna say if a one doesn't notice that, and he's like, So what was the combination there? And uh he pauses for a minute and then uh, you know, whatever he remembers, like, oh of course, how can I forget? And it's his mother's birthday. And so he like turns the sif and the safe clips open, and in it is a number of uh kind of like some texts in there, um, no weaponry, and there's also this like kind of like very elaborate parchment like sealed in this like special kind of uh case, and he pulls this out of like this right here, Van Helsing. You know what this is? You don't, I'm not gonna let you answer because this is the testament of my father and mother and the the will of the estate.

[59:56] Oh, what's the the will of this house to not crumble?

[60:00] Very funny, Van Helsing. No, this is not just the will of the estate, but the will of our clan to defeat Dracula. Here in lies the the uh the protocol to follow to beat Dracula to redeem ourselves, and also, yes, the inheritance and all that. See if you actually and he unrolls it, if you see right here, uh, you know, in the event of a catastrophic uh total decimation of our clan, everything will be left to one. And then he like holds his breath. He's like, that can't be right. And it says uh Abraham Ben Helsing on it.

[60:33] Oh, what a coinky dink. Would you look at that? It seems I've also had a pleasant time with your father, my Stacy. Crazy times in the Belmont House.

[60:43] This doesn't make any sense. This is some kind of prank, but did you come here before me set this up? Uh like ah, that old prank you did that that one time with the the clowns and the circus. No, no, no. The tattoo is on fire.

[60:55] Listen, 20 years ago, I was in my prime. I was ripped, I had fans, my hair wasn't falling out from stress, and I might have had a little gut still, but people appreciated that back then, you know. It's one of the What are you saying?

[61:10] I know, okay, fine, you got around with my mother, whatever, but you say got around with my father too. Hey. Yeah, you know, I'm just a guy. Wait, let me hold this up. And I look, and it's clearly like upon analyzing the like handwriting, like it doesn't match anything at all, and you can actually see like scratched out beneath it is my name, like Trevor Baumont. I'm like, you piece of [expletive].

[61:33] Oh no, no, no. I had a no you can't deny a government-stamped uh document, my boy. Okay, this house and everything in it belongs to me. It's a picture of a mouse, Captain Pirate.

[61:48] Yes.

[61:49] Actually, it looks a lot like McNibbles.

[61:51] Yes, that's my seal. That I stamped that there 20 years ago when me and your father were doing business deals.

[61:58] Alright, don't say it like that. Whatever. Here, this is the part that's important. I don't care about who inherits this old piece of [expletive], crumbling piece of property. This is the the the protocol for defeating Dracula. Uh we have to go downstairs into the archive. It says in this section of the library, the family library, we will find uh the uh the tome of which uh will be the redemption of our people.

[62:23] Oh, well then onward. I hadn't a good thing I didn't throw I mean I wouldn't had had access to throw anything away that I wasn't supposed to, but thank goodness that document is still intact.

[62:35] Yeah, thank goodness. And I like ripped the part with your name off. Anyway, since you know your way around, anywhere else you want to stop before we head into the archive?

[62:43] One more place. And you're like la la la la la. And he goes to like a a bus of like uh old great-great great great grandfather uh Belmont. He's like, one little thing here.

[62:55] There's nothing over there. What's wasting your time, Vanessa?

[62:58] A quarter turn, and like a little door pops open, and then he just like reaches his hand behind a little door slot and then grabs some booze. He's like, This is all I needed. Onward to the library. I didn't even know that was there. Oh my god, you wait no more secrets about my family [expletive] home than I do. Unbelievable. Well, once I drink this, then I'm gonna remember a whole lot more because you know, if you want to remember things, you have to get to the state in which you were to remember them. And I was blastered.

[63:28] God, you are just [expletive] all over my family and my beverage. Anyway, you guys head downstairs, so you go back downstairs to the first floor, and then you go down into this great room, and then you go down and uh enter this kind of like semi-situation, kind of like a secret door that then goes down into another kind of catacomby staircase. And before we know it, we are in a grand, well, at first a very big dark place, but Belmont go ahead has, you know, a torch on hand, he lights it up, lights some things, and before you know it, an entire library, uh a massive vault of of of texts and knowledge and equipment is is illuminated before you and I'm like, take it all in.

[63:28] Van Hashing, this is the greatest archive of of anti-demonic weaponry and knowledge you'll ever find anywhere in Europe, possibly the world.

[64:20] It's it's a room full of dead trees, my boy. Like I don't know how impressed I could be with it. Yeah, it's just I I can't even read half of these books.

[64:29] What a what a what language is this in? All kinds of language. It really depends, honest. Like my ancestors traveled far and wide and learned almost everything, and I can I could read most of them, honestly. It's actually we you know, we studied a lot down here. We uh we spent probably more time down in this this this tomb than I did outside playing with you know other children and friends and whatnot, so probably more acquainted here than anywhere else. That is depressing. I'm just they just like both kind of stare down. Well, anywho. Here is what the uh Will Testament says. It looks like it is going to be in the uh backmost corner in the uh oh the dark archaic section. The locked away forbidden archive.

[65:16] Of course it is. I'm sure there's pictures of the of me and your mother.

[65:24] I doubt it. And yeah, so uh go ahead. Uh I'll go back there. Uh I want you to actually not meet me over there. There is a lot of don't touch anything. All right, okay. Actually, let's go over the rules real quick. Okay, rule one. Don't touch anything. Uh the chef is literally enchanted, and just even physical touch is actually the trigger for uh setting it off.

[65:44] Now is is that only with my fingers? It's with anything. Oh, no touch.

[65:50] No touchy. Okay. Second, do not uh I guess it falls under number one, but do not take anything with you. Anything this stuff is more valuable than anything above ground and the whole the the property and and everything down here. This is very valuable. And even like the acid on your fingers can you know corrode the pages, so just leave it here because there is countless knowledge that might be needed by future generations. So don't. Touch anything, don't take anything. The air outside could disintegrate it to the instant. I see.

[66:21] And then he starts putting a book back on a shelf that he had in his coat pocket.

[66:26] And I want to say it's like a really dumb one, too. Like it's it's something like farm animals of the Eastern Europe.

[66:34] Cows. Yeah. I saw this book on cows. I wanted it. But okay.

[66:40] Lastly, whatever you do, don't go over to that section over there. See the one with the gates? Yes. Like that. Just a whole pot of the library gated off with like one one lock on it. Uh I know you're very tricky. Do not find a way into that room. It's very enticing. It's uh it's calling out to me. I know. That's why I just wanted to call out the elephant in the room. I know you're gonna try it. Don't go in there. That is uh things we couldn't control, uh spell bots.

[67:07] There's an elephant in there.

[67:09] No, it's uh that's figuratively the elephant in the room. It's just suggesting something obvious. But in there is is types of uh arcane relics and uh also enemies that we trapped that we could not control and we had to keep it imprisoned. So it's that's that's what we keep in there. Don't go in there, don't release anything, or by God, don't touch anything.

[67:30] Okay then. So there's no elephant in there, the rampant and out of control that you have stowed away in there, thus piquing my interest and wanting me to check inside that gated area even more so.

[67:43] Well, whatever, I have the key right here, so I'm just gonna go check out the forbidden uh tome our archive section and get what we need and get out of here.

[67:51] Wait, can I see that key for just one second? I just want to check it.

[67:55] I like hold it up at a distance and like wave it in front of you, and it's gone. I do a little metric trick and it goes like go back in my cuff. You are clever. Mm-hmm. I know you very well, Van Hessic.

[68:05] Yes, nimble fingers, just like your mother.

[68:09] And he just storms off. Like, [expletive] you. Uh so I'm going to kind of turn over to you for a little bit, and I'll pretend uh like not DM you, but uh yeah, tell me what you're uh what you're gonna do down here while you're waiting for for Belmont.

[68:26] He's uh walking around through the books, kind of pacing just in front of the gate, like inching closer and closer to the gate each time he moves. Ah, stupid Belmont telling me what to do. He doesn't know anything about nothing. I could I could go in there and touch all kinds of things and nothing would happen to me. I think I've been in here before. Have I?

[68:51] I know I don't read. Alright, you want you want me to roll or you want to roll for it? We'll do a uh a like investigation or history check for your memory. You roll, I don't have any dice out. Yep. Uh 17. So I'm gonna say you yeah, you recall uh one time you got freaky with Belmont's mom, and you guys decided to go down to the library.

[69:10] Oh, perfect. I remember precisely where this is at, and I go over to like a stone on the floor, and I'm like, this is the one, and I lift it up, and there's a copy of the key to the gameplay.

[69:25] Like what you find outside when you like put a spare key outside, you just have like a fake rock with a Yes, I can't believe I remembered this.

[69:33] Lucky me. Now, should I entrust my friend's wishes and not go in there? Probably not. But I am who I am. And so instead I shall make a game out of it, and if it goes in the hole, it goes in the hole. And he proceeds to tie a piece of string to the key, and he's gonna stand like five feet away from the keyhole and just start trying to like throw in the key. And if it lands in the keyhole, he's gonna go in.

[70:03] Alright, give me uh I'm gonna roll for you a I don't know, we'll call it like an uh like athletic or you or a sleight of hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean it doesn't matter, we're just going with numbers here. Um you rolled really low. So I'm gonna say is you accidentally like because this is like, like I said, it's like gated off, so it's like prison bars almost around the section. And I wanna say uh you completely miss the lock and you just end up like throwing the key into the [expletive] cage.

[70:30] Um that is inconvenient for sure. Okay, next plan.

[70:37] Van Helsing, Van Helsing, I think I've got it. I've got it. Uh do you want to meet me over here?

[70:42] Yes, I will be there shortly as soon as I get done making a staircase out of these extra books you have laying around, and I shall climb over the top of the gate.

[70:52] And uh as you do that, I'm gonna roll for you. Yep, you roll fine. You notice uh the key starts to like move like further away into the cell, like towards the back. It's like very dark in the back, and the key starts to like slide that way.

[71:06] Oh my goodness. Um, Belmont, I may have done something that I shouldn't have. Uh okay, I'll be right there.

[71:16] One second. Yeah. Anything else you want to do before Belmont heads over?

[71:20] I shall prepare for battle because obviously I remember now from five minutes ago where he said there's bad things in here. I should probably prepare myself for bad things. And he just takes a swig of the booze he found earlier, and that's it.

[71:36] So uh yeah, Ben Elzing uh kind of swaggers back. He's like, I've got it. This is exactly where so apparently there is kind of a pattern. Like when Dracula revives, it happens like within a like a hexagram kind of like pattern. And so his next we know where he died, uh back at the dinner for Schmucks, as some people call it, whatever episode. Uh we know he died here, so that his next revival would have been at this location, I point on the map.

[72:04] Aw, yes, of course. I should have seen it before, because come to find out I have that exact pamphlet on my side here tattooed on me. And there's a date scribbled there from twenty years ago. Very weird indeed. I'd hadn't forgot I had that completely. Jesus, this looks like straight out of Waterworld.

[72:25] What else you got back there?

[72:27] I don't know. There's a smiley face. There's a clown with a tally marks underneath of them. I'm up to twenty two now. Who is this portrait of my m do you have a portrait of my mother on there? I don't know, I can't see my back that well. We don't have mirrors and such all the time, you know, and I don't get a good what's it look like on my back? Well, it kind of looks like my mother. She aged twenty years and had a mole on her forehead. Hmm, nope, that's my mole. So yeah, I remember that being there for sure. The tattoo I might have been a little hazy, but that mole, I remember.

[73:02] Well, neither here nor there. Look, I grabbed the uh attachment to the Morningstar whip. Uh this is the actually like this has my ancestor. The very first spellmot is within sort of this this attachment. And when I attach this to my whip, it can instantly destroy a demon from the inside out. They just explode upon contact. It's pretty wild.

[73:20] Your ancestor must have been very tiny to fit inside that little tree.

[73:24] No, no, it was it was a magic kind of imbued thing. He's not there's not a tiny person in here, Venice. That would make no [expletive] sense. Well, next time you tell the story, I think you should be more clear. Neither here nor there. Anyway, I just want to say thank you for not finding a way into that cage. Who knows what kind of deadly things are inside of there, and the last thing we'd want is something like that getting out, if you know what I mean.

[73:44] Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. God forbid they got a hold of the key or something, you know. And we don't want that.

[73:49] Good thing I have it right here, and he holds it up.

[73:51] Uh yeah, you the only key. Oh, yes. By the way, what's all this string for? Oh, I was playing a game called String. Oh, were you winning? Uh no, it was a tough match. The string really let me have it.

[74:10] Very well. Um, I have oh I've equipped out. We have we have coordinates, I have my ancestor's soul stone attached to my morning star, and now I I I'm ready to go. Is there anything I mean Van Helsing, there could be weapons here that you've never fathomed before that could help you. There could be knowledge that could help you get into shape, maybe some information on basic diet and nutrition that you could follow, a workout plan perhaps? Like anything could be down here. Do you sure you just want to explore before we go?

[74:37] Hmm.

[74:38] No. Alright, very good. Well, let's go up. I have some rations I stored somewhere. I don't know if they're gonna be very good, but we can see if uh if they preserved since my last visit here, we can go and make our way out. I'm down for that.

[74:54] Let's leave this creepy book prison immediately.

[74:58] As we uh head up the stairs to the archive, I'm like that's weird.

[75:02] Did you hear that, Vanessa? Well, what was that? I don't know. I just thought I heard something back down in the the tomb, but No, I'm sure it was nothing. It might have been my string. I left it down there. Oh yeah, your string made noise. It has a mind of its own. It's why the game's called String.

[75:20] I don't know if you're even making this up anymore. There's an actual game called String. I never know with you. Again, hard to really keep up.

[75:27] Yes, it's another child's game that a Swami man once taught me at where you just lay a string and it does things and makes noises. But that's a dream neither here nor there, as you would say, Belmont. Let's proceed, shall we?

[75:39] Please. Well you seem to be in a rush, but uh yes, let's let's go. The rations aren't that good. Before you get excited, we're not looking at it's no golden chorale by any means, alright? This is these are just dried fruits and stuff that I stored in a safe place, in a dry place.

[75:53] No chocolate fountain? No, Jesus Christ, what the [expletive] would I do? Oh my god, get up here. There used to be a chocolate fountain in this house. I know it.

[76:01] And uh as that happens, um, we're going imagine we're like going up this like spiral staircase, and we kept like lighting torches like as we were going down, and uh suddenly like they start going out, like one by one, like all the torches like pop pop and the lights are going out, and I'm like, Van Hessing. What's going on?

[76:19] Oh yes. Um, while you were in the cage thing, I installed this new trinket. It's called an Allegra. And I was like, Allegra, turn off lights. And it went poof, foof, foof, and it just turns off the torches for you. It's this new contraption. I read about it in one of those books that you left me for. Cut the [expletive], Venusing.

[76:38] What did you do? What did you do while we were down there? What did you touch? Please, if you just tell me what you touched, I can fix it. It's not that hard. It's just I just tell me what you did and I can reverse it.

[76:46] I found the backup key underneath the loose stone that just downloaded. What backup? There's no backup key to what? There's a backup key. Every wife of a Belmont is given a backup key to the secret library in case she's the only survivor.

[76:58] Wait, well, hold on. I wasn't first of all, I was not given a backup key. Second of all, we don't need a backup key, we have a magic word to enter our door. Well, no, we don't. I made that up, but it's an actual magic ritual thing that you can do to get in back.

[77:08] Yes, well, well, I I needed the key because you wouldn't let me have the key. So I needed another key, so I knew where to find a backup key. That's weird. I was never told about it. But anyway, the backup key for what? What are you talking about? Oh, for the gate. Just go into the top secret location where you have other monsters. Oh no, oh no, my god. So you have the gate? But the gate looked up. No, I didn't unlock the gate. Oh, thank god. Let's say I was playing string with the key. How does that gate work? Well, well, it's very long and complicated. It would probably take at least, I don't know, an hour and nineteen minutes to fully comprehend. Alright, listen, I don't have time for this.

[77:43] You didn't unlock the gate, correct?

[77:45] The that is correct, actually. Then we're good. We're good. If we didn't unlock the gate, we're good. When you say good, like let's say maybe in this game of string the key was thrown through the gate, and some kind of shadowy figure may or may not have grabbed the key and took off with it. After pushing me down. Oh my god, you should push me down.

[78:10] You You could have pushed you down because the key was locked for passing. You're telling me you threw a backup key that I didn't even know existed to the gate to where we kept our enemies and our most like uncontrollable forces, and you threw it inside of the gate, and then something picked it up.

[78:27] Yes, and then I I think I really know what happened. I tripped on the stone I didn't put back, and I thought he pushed me down. We need to get the [expletive] out of here.

[78:37] We don't know. Oh my god, Van Hessen, you don't even know what's in there. Do you know what's in there?

[78:41] You seem to know not about my [expletive] house, apparently, back in prison. No idea what's in there. One time we were partying with this one lady and she got all crazy, and then your father bust in on us, and he's like, Oh, she's going in the room, and I was like, Well, maybe I want to check out the room. And he was like, If you keep this up, you're going in there. And I'm like, Oh, sorry, sir.

[78:59] And that's where we hear a voice, and uh it says, uh, Do you know how long I've been down here?

[79:06] Longer than me, I'm sure.

[79:08] And then uh suddenly that voice, uh, the tone changed and says, But Elsing, is that you?

[79:15] Oh, you damn well know it. How's it going, you?

[79:19] I'm a terrible names guy, Belmont. It's I I don't know his name.

[79:24] Hey, actually this is a good thing. He seems to know you, so play it cool, and we will capture him and put it back in that [expletive] cage and then get out of here, okay? I'm nothing but cool.

[79:33] They call me Mr. Cool, I'm so cool.

[79:36] I can hear both of you, by the way, and there is nothing to fear, even though I've been locked in your family vault for who knows how long.

[79:44] It is I Bingo Bango, Sri Lankan Guru Extraordinaire, and mentor to Van Helsing. Do you know who this man is?

[79:55] Apparently Bingo Bango, but Sri Lankan Guru Extraordinaire, and apparently your mentor who has been locked in our basement.

[80:02] Well, nobody asks you to be smart about it, but yes, he's all those things, and more. He is the man, the myth, the legend that made me who I am today. He's the man who bestowed the gift on me.

[80:17] I don't know how that's exchanged, but I'm not gonna ask questions. And uh so Bingo, do you do you come in peace? Uh oh yes, absolutely. I cut not only do I come in peace, I come in pieces. I'm uh just tickle pig to be here and happy to be freed from your family prison.

[80:35] Bingo, how did you even get into this place in the first place? Was it that orgy? Did you get lost and end up in the gate?

[80:43] That's exactly it, my boy. You see, Sri Lankan uh tradition is that you uh first one to the orgy, last one to leave, and uh well I was the last one because when old Senior Belmont came home and uh wasn't too happy about us swinging around with his wife, even though it happened to Constantly. He trapped me down in this locker. But no does he know an old Sri Lankan trick I have where I can fast for literally twenty years on just oxygen and positive energy.

[81:12] What are the chances of that? What perfect timing to come down here?

[81:16] It's a deal as old as time, really. You've seen it once, you've seen it a thousand times. You know, you go you're the last one at the orgy, you go to leave to make a sandwich, and then the husband comes home. It's terrible, really.

[81:27] Exactly. And I see I see you have not been practicing that fasting, I taught you. Uh you were looking quite healthy, my friend, and he slaps your gut.

[81:34] Hey, it's a belly full of jelly you're touching there. But that is uh well, it's new technology in the sciences. It's uh if you store belly fat, it actually gives you energy throughout the day. It's called uh diabetes, I believe. Diabetes diabetes. Yes, diabetes, and I am chark full of it.

[81:59] Well my boy, I have much to catch up on. Uh well, young Belmont, you've certainly grown up since uh those days. I remember you, your mother nursing you to bed uh when you had those nightmares before sneaking back into the servants' quarters where we used to hide. Ben Helsing, it looks like you might be in need of some help. Is that right?

[82:18] Oh, that is absolutely correct. And as a side note, Belmont, of course you remember Bingo. He would always give you a dolly every time you showed up to the house, and he'd give you a little noogie, and that's probably why you have at least forty, fifty, a hundred dollies in your room.

[82:39] It's not a hundred, Van Hessing. Jesus, let it go. And anyway, that wasn't uh that wasn't this man, that was the head of the servants' quarters.

[82:47] No, no, no. If you go up there and look at those dollies right now, I guarantee they have a tag on them that says made by bingo. Yes, bingo.

[82:53] I thought that was like a a doll manufacturing group. No, it's this guy from Sri Lanka. Wow, okay, so really this uh Sorry, there's just a lot to unravel here. So Oh, take your time process. Your your mentor who has been fasting for twenty years in the basement of my family home, is totally okay. Also slept with my mother, gave me a bunch of dolls, and is now joining us on our adventure.

[83:19] It's all adding up to me.

[83:21] Yes, that sounds about right, my boy. By the way, do you have any snake oil nearby?

[83:26] I hear it's very uh very effective in the pursuit we're about to entail. This snake oil is top of the line, I can promise you that, right? Tell him, you you tell him.

[83:37] Ah yes, snake oil, it's uh very rare, very very expensive, and very useful, uh, where I come from. But uh that's neither here nor there. I think let's go up for old time's sake, visit your mom's room, and come up with a plan.

[83:50] Yes, that is where I do all my best thinking. And your mother, Belmont, as a side note, loved the snake oil. She couldn't get enough.

[83:58] Okay, that's enough, that's enough, that's enough, that's enough, that's good. Uh let's go upstairs and we will uh catch up, as it were, bingo, Van Helsing, and uh honestly we can need all the help we got, so let's let's go ahead and uh you son of a [expletive], you're in.

[84:14] Welcome back. I can't believe it's been twenty years and I just completely forgot you ever existed. I still bring you up all the time, but it never clicked that you were missing. Taco winked.

[84:26] Sometimes, Van Helsing, what you need comes just when you need it. And I think you're in need of some uh some training. Some of the old ways, you know.

[84:36] Ooh, yes, I agree a hundred percent. It's funny that you should say that though. Like as soon as you need something, it's coming, because Belmont's mom would say that all the time. You remember that? Remember those nights.

[84:49] And with that, he sighs and they head upstairs. And we will call that the episode. Perfect. And yeah, so a little fun little tidbit for our listeners. Bingo Bango is a new character, but kind of not new. So in our in our side campaign that we've been playing while not doing this podcast for a year, we're have playing this whole scenario where Van Helsing and Bingo and his his former mentor are on a quest to save Belmont from uh some mysterious magical. It's it's basically Tomb of Annihilation, but but reskinned for us. Yeah, we're making it our own thing. Yeah, yeah. So I uh I created this character that is Van Helsing's mentor.

[84:49] He is the Sri Lankan guru like Swami that's always brought up in in our previous episodes, and he is going to um kind of do that like cliche thing in like the animes where like the sensei comes and teaches them everything, and then usually dies sometime after that. We'll see how that goes. But uh yeah. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. Welcome back, Nate. We made it, the pod's back, life is good, we're making money, we have internet. What can stop us? Nothing. Things are looking up a year later. We do the next episode.

[86:01] No, just as a side note to the listeners, like we said, this is a new format for us. We are doing things a little bit differently. So if it did seem a little bit rougher than our other stuff, we're gonna get back into the swing of things. We just gotta get the hang of it, but things are coming back full poor. We are gonna continue the train because Nate loves trains of Nat1% Staff Monks Podcast. So be ready and listen. Thank you. Thanks. See you next week. Bye.