All That Glitters is Midas Underbite
Edited audio transcript

Edited from an automatic transcription of the original recording. Strong language is masked; selected personal asides and adult material are marked [Editorial omission.]. Transcription errors may remain, especially in names and lyrics. Timestamps come from the source; paragraphs split for readability can share a timestamp. The original recording contains adult language and themes. Announcements and offers reflect the recording date.
Source: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1880667/episodes/15056616-all-that-glitters-is-midas-underbite.mp3

[0:15] Hello and welcome back to Nat One Presents the Daft Monks podcast.

[0:20] Nate, what is on the agenda for today? Today, Nate, we talk about your victory in your recent Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament and my trip to Vegas and consent.

[0:32] Well, let's start from the top then. I did have my tournament and I was a little nervous because nobody signed up until like the very last day, and it was one person. So all of this training and stress to fight one guy from England. Dude, he came from England? Yeah. Like, is this this is like a big tournament? It was a Naga tournament, which most of them are pretty big, but I think this was like an off-season Naga tournament. It wasn't as normal. What is what does Naga mean?

[1:03] I have no idea what it [expletive] means. It's just an organization like national something, something, something like that. Yeah, grappling of America. Okay, okay. So it's essentially the moral combat of Brazilian juitsits. I mean basically, you know. I mean, that's crazy. Okay, so how good was this guy? I would expect if someone flew out from the UK, either he's so bad in his country that he had to fly to another country, or he's phenomenal and he's just doing the circuit. And I would assume the latter. No?

[1:31] Let me preface this with I had to help coach all day beforehand. And that took a lot out of me because I wore flip-flops for some reason, thinking that was my active shoe wear of the day. And after wearing flip-flops for about eight hours straight, my back started seizing up real bad right before I got to do my match class. Because uh, a little fun fact, all the kids get to go first, and all the adults are way, way later. So by this point, I'm like stretching out and I'm like, oh my god, my back is seizing up, man. I knew I should have put my wallet in my front pocket.

[2:09] You know, like how important, right? Like the like the direct correlation between like quality shoes and like your back health. Like, you know that, right? As a person with chronic back problem.

[2:18] Oh, yeah, absolutely. But for some reason, I totally spaced it. And then to kick it off too, I broke my [expletive] flip-flop the first 10 minutes we were there, like where they have their power cords and [expletive] for all their computers. They have like these big like ramp looking things. Well, I completely wasn't paying attention. I clipped it with the toe of my flip-flop and it completely ripped apart. So I had to tape it together, and that was the start of my day. And then so after all this, we're getting ready for my match, and I can feel it. You know, like it is seizing up bad.

[2:18] So I'm like, all right, I'm just gonna pull guard, which is kind of like the lazy way out, but I didn't give a [expletive] at that point because I'm not gonna wrestle this guy. So, with all that being said, I pulled guard on this dude and easily, very easily won the match. So I don't know what his deal was coming all the way from England just to lose to a 30-something year old with a bad back, but that is what happened to the poor guy. And he didn't even want to stand on the podium with me when I won my big ass belt. He no, like he was bad about it.

[3:20] Yes, because you play guard or whatever, or I don't know what he was upset about, but like probably because he [expletive] flew. Like that's I mean, that's an eight-hour plus time difference, I'm pretty sure. Oh, yeah. Just to be a loser, like that's embarrassing uh in Nevada, like not even like the world championships or anything, like right.

[3:39] It's just like a backyard tournament, basically, in the grand scheme of things, and you lost. Like the least you could have done is stand on the podium and then congratulated me on winning my big ass belt. Like, that's the least you could have done.

[3:51] So now because you and again, maybe could you could you like describe for us not, you know, BJJ experts, what you what do you say, play guard or you Polling guard. Pulling guard. What does that mean?

[4:01] That is where I will grab him and then immediately go and sit on my butt and then uh wrap my legs around him, basically to control his body posture. And what that does for me is it allows me to set up my game, which in my head I did not want to win by submission. I just wanted to get some points and then lay on top of him. That's how great my back felt that day. Wow. And that's exactly what I did. I sat on my butt, pulled him into me.

[4:01] He let me pull his lapels out, which was a big mistake because that immediately let me set up a bunch of moves, and then after that, I just flipped him over and then got to the side of him and I won five zip piece of cake. Wow. I know it's crazy. You should watch, I should send you the match because it is pretty [expletive] boring.

[4:48] That's crazy. All right, so do you think you'll do it again? And will you coach all day before doing it and wear flip-flops? Yes. So what have we learned, Nate?

[4:57] Yes, I do uh love coaching a lot. So without a shadow of doubt, I will be coaching the next tournament that I do and will be competing in, but I will be bringing better footwear for the coaching portion of said tournament. And then hopefully in between matches, I will be stretching and not have this problem. And as a last resort, probably steal some kind of painkiller from somebody. Yes. Hopefully a nice person in the audience.

[5:25] Wow. That's that's a lot. I'm just imagining you in like custom like Dr. Scholl slippers in like the next session. Sounds really nice, actually. Honestly, the most impressive feat of this whole thing was that you somehow exploded your sandal by like rubbing it against one of those cable protector things.

[5:42] Yep. And funny thing, Nate, I knew after I broke that flip-flop that I was gonna win because my karma works in a way that if something bad happens to me, something good will happen shortly after. So when I won zone in high school wrestling, we were doing our warmups running around the mat, and I'm like trying to get in the zone. So I got my headphones on, I'm [expletive] trying to get serious about this because the night previous, Coach was going down the line of all the varsity wrestlers and giving them great words of advice and encouragement. And then he gets to me and he's like, Oh, stall cup, we're not expecting much from you. No, he didn't. Yeah, I swear to God, he immediately went to the next person after.

[5:42] I'm like, that's all I [expletive] got was we're not expecting much from you. So I go into zone [expletive] pissed. Like I am ready and raring to go. So we're doing lap warmups, and the [expletive] [expletive] cleaner who was cleaning the wrestling mats before left the bucket and mop, the huge [expletive] bucket of water, just in the middle of the [expletive] mat where we're doing our laps. So everybody else barely moved around the side of it. And because I was dicking around with my iPod at the time and my headphones, I didn't see it, and my whole right leg dumped into this bucket of [expletive] water all the way up to my knee. And that was when I knew that I was gonna win zone because something bad happened to me.

[5:42] You knew even at that early age. Oh, yeah. That my that's how my karma works. Like that's fascinating. I'm hoping one day that I get hit by a car in front of a gas station and I will immediately run inside and buy a lottery ticket.

[7:22] I can do that, or we can make that out of you. You cut me in, I'll I will say force it though.

[7:28] I don't know if we can force it. The karma. The karma queen might not like that.

[7:35] Lady unluck. Yes. Amazing.

[7:38] She'd be like, oh, you're trying to cheat the system, [expletive].

[7:42] Nay, I can like kind of relate to that story. So of course, like it's not as funny or as cool because you always have the good version of every story. But academically, I had a moment, so I was in advanced placement classes, like the ones where you take you you basically study for a test the whole year. And then if you pass the test, you get college credit for that. That usually it's like a a required course you would have to take, like a writing composition, you'd have to take college unless you pass like an APA exam. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. So I had it was English literature, and I had a teacher who would write everybody like motivational cards before the test.

[7:42] And it was like the same kind of thing of like you want that feedback from like you know your mentor or whatever. And I remember I got my cart, and I I you know me, I can't like quote things, so even like the best memories, I don't overbate them. But it was something along the lines of, I think you're gonna pass. And everybody else had these like really nice like things, and mine was like, you can, it was it might have not even been I think, it was like you'll probably be able to do this or something. And I was just like, What the [expletive]? Like, I was like, Oh my god, Mr. Morgan and the English literature. I did pass, just so you know.

[7:42] So in his face, in his face, in his [expletive] face, yeah. And I think back back then, I mean, we're old as [expletive], Nate, so they probably changed the system. But AP used to be graded out of one out of five, and like a three was passing, a five was like, of course, you're [expletive] a genius. A superstar, yeah. And then I got a four, so that's like better. Like not only passed, but I passed like well. Yeah.

[9:13] So anyway, I just do you think these people can just read us, Nate? Like they're like they know that's what we need, actually.

[9:20] He's like, they want to say something nice, but they're like, I need to [expletive] on this person.

[9:23] Yes, like that is what I know this person, what will fuel them to be the per the best that they can be is by [expletive] on them.

[9:30] I think the universe definitely knows that because, like you said, like before a lot of like the best moments in life I've had or something, or or like periods of prosperity has usually been like a real [expletive] [expletive], horrible experience before that. So it's always darkest before the dawn. Yeah. So they're exactly. Exactly. Well, Nate, not quite as exciting, but I got to see you recently. I thought it was exciting. It was exciting. Listeners, uh, Nate moved, can we say a year and a half ago? It's almost two years in February. Yeah, two years in February, Nate moved. So we used to record in person. And since Nate moved, I had not oh no, I I had seen you in person when you came out to the convention.

[9:30] And you actually came out for Wild World WestCon, which I still to this day attribute to the podcast stopping for a long period of time after Wild World. It could have been. It could have been. That one did. Anywho, no, I was uh I make my frequent trips out to Vegas, being the hot shot that I am, apparently. Just kidding, but I keep getting free rooms and friends wanna use that to go to Vegas. So I am like, okay. This last trip actually, I got the free room, and then my friend paid for my plane ticket. So it was just a win-win. Okay, like, yeah, of course I'll go. So, like, literally pay for some meals and [expletive]. Like, all right.

[9:30] So I did that, Nate, and uh yeah, I hit you up and you came out, and we had a wonderful time watching. And I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm okay sharing this because it was a friend of my friend, so not a direct like peer of mine, but basically my friend bought brought his friend who's like a 40-some-year-old gentleman going through a divorce. And and of course, my heart felt for him. But if any of our listeners have ever experienced like someone who goes through a divorce, there's these very common, and then Nate, I've been through a divorce before, so I can even say I've been through it as well. There's these distinct phases, right?

[9:30] So, like you first you have a relationship and you're like, Well, I'm a piece of [expletive], my life is ruined. Then you kind of proceed into well, it's not ruined, I'm just unlovable and I've been out of the game for so long, and nobody will ever want to be with me. Then you start building confidence, and then you get cocky, and then you start making bad decisions. And then eventually you level back out to like who you are as a person, and eventually you rebound into meeting somebody that you, you know, actually jive with and whatever, maybe if you're lucky. Tales old as time, really. Tales all as time, Nate. Well, usually that that experience that those different stages occur throughout many months, I'd say like six to nine months, like those different stages occur.

[9:30] But this gentleman seemed to have squished all phases simultaneously into the exact same time period. So he was both unconfident and very confident, flirting with cougars and also like he he brought these bungees, which is kind of like a speedo, essentially. He he got the speedo, which was supposed to be a joke, but then he kept wearing it to the pool, and he's like, I'm not confident. But then he would take it off and just start dancing in the Venetian pool like he was raving, but not in the water and just like alone. And I just remember Nate. I looked over at you and you made eye contact with me. And it's very hard for Nate to not say something that's on his mind in my opinion.

[9:30] Like it like you were surprisingly polite to this person that you did not know, but you would have roasted the [expletive] if you did not know that person or it wasn't like a friend of my friend. Uh, you would have absolutely annihilated this person. Oh, for sure.

[12:55] I held my tongue a lot. I was trying to be on my best behavior, absolutely.

[12:58] It it was it was a little sad to be honest. But I mean, he's a cool guy, and again, like I said, he's he's experiencing phases that everybody experiences through a divorce, but just all at once. So it was really just like a lot. He's a cool guy, but it was it was quite a bit, and uh definitely there's times where I'm like, I'm just gonna go walk the strip to refresh myself. But it it was a cool time. Nate, I'm basically royalty now. I hit the elite status of the Venetian, which is like how big of a deal is that? Like, I don't even know anybody else that has that. Okay, so there's four tiers. There's the one like so you enter and you you're you're on the base level tier.

[12:58] The next one is like you just gotta get a thousand points. So that just means you have to gamble for a couple hours and not lose immediately, etc., or just gamble really high amounts of money. But then after that second tier, the third tier is elite, and that takes like ten thousand points. And so uh ten thousand points, Nate, is like gambling ten thousand dollars, basically. Holy [expletive]. In their mind, right? Or not in their mind. Every time you hit the wager button, that contributes to a total. And so 10 the 10,000 points is somewhat equivocal to that. Now you can like charge restaurant stuff like food restaurant meals to the room or like show tickets to your room, and that can help get you points there as well.

[12:58] So I kind of milk that as well. But basically, through my like slot machine hack, which I talked about last season and in in earlier methods, I basically find a machine that had just like it's a specific machine in the Venetian. There's only three of them. Oh, and there were some, Nate, there were some aunties who were just I know I have like a legit strategy because there were these old Asian women that were just hovering, like they literally would travel in a pack and all three get on all three of the machines, and I just have to wait. And if one got up, they would like switch spots. They even yelled at my friend when we like went to use it.

[12:58] But if I went to the bathroom on my machine, they would take it. So yeah, that's how I know. That's how I know I hit the gold mine. But basically, it's a machine that if you play it on max bet, it's the bonus game a ton. So, yes, you can or eventually will lose your money, but like really slowly. So it's like, do I usually net profit anything? No, but I just keep like spinning it and spinning and spinning it, and I'm just racking up points. So they think I've gambled like $10,000. And what has actually happened? I have now been three times this year, and each time I gambled around $500. Now, sometimes my husband, you gambled on my card too. So yeah, double dipping.

[12:58] I've maybe spent like $1,500 to $2,000 of like gambling, and I've probably racked up like $10,000 points. So, you know, whatever. Like in one way or another, like maybe they think that's worthwhile. For me, the rooms are like four, usually rooms are like four to five hundred dollars a night. Oh, yeah. So they get expensive. If they keep giving me four and five nights of free rooms, I think that more than makes up for the $1,500 I've gambled over the multiple trips. So anyway, Nate, I am elite status that gives me a bunch of really lame benefits, like free ballet parking, even though I fly there. And it's really hard to find the valet parking at the Venetian FYI.

[12:58] I tried to do a nice thing, listeners, where when Nate came, I'm like, Nate, just like I'll try to meet you out there, but if I don't, just like give my last name and room number, just chart ballet it and charge it to my room, and then I could maybe get a comp or whatever, I'll pay it, whatever. And that way you don't have to like go get the parking large and then find me in the casino. But naturally, Nate, you had like a 50-50 shot of which lane to pull into, and I guess somehow you got bamboozled into being going to the garage.

[16:19] Like, I follow directions so good to a fault, Nate. Like, if there is any leeway in said directions, then I'm completely lost. Like, I can follow directions step one through ten. I will do every single step. But if you get iffy on me around step nine and ten, I'm out, I'm done, I'm lost, I don't know where to go. So the sign pulling into the Venetian says valet slash self-park. So I follow these signs, and there's four of them in a row. And by the time I get to the fifth sign, it no longer says valet anymore. It just says self-park. So at that point, I went too far. So I'm just gonna [expletive] self-park.

[16:19] And I brought my [expletive] truck, so it was a real nuisance getting into this parking garage, and it ended up costing me $23 [expletive] dollars. Like, who is charging $10 an hour with a car? Yeah. Who's charging this? When I could possibly be going into your casino to spend more money, you're gonna bend me over and [expletive] take another $23 from me on my way out just to [expletive] park there? It's outrageous, really.

[17:22] One of them, someone in my party ordered uh what what do you call like a drink that's just like uh it's like a a water at a bar, but it's a nice water. They have like a term for it. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[17:34] Like a seltzer? Spritzer.

[17:36–17:51] [Editorial omission.]

[17:51] Yeah, that's Vegas.

[17:52] Yeah.

[17:52] Vegas, baby. Yeah, I'll be back.

[17:56] Oh, yeah, and I'll come see you again. It'll be great. It'll be a good time, Nate. As long as the street people aren't as aggressive as they were on this last go-around. Oh my gosh, how could we forget Nate? I know. We have to at least talk about it a little bit. So when I first show up, Nate tells me about the street people and how they've lost their [expletive] minds and they are so aggressive now, they will handcuff you in the middle of the street to try to get you to take pictures of these very risque clothed women. They're not clothed at all, they're practically naked.

[18:28] If I may, Nate, let me jump in. Yeah, so they're kind of like Sith Lords. They travel in pairs of two, Nate. Okay. I'm not sure why, but they're always like in the kind of like, you know, as you described, the like feathered kind of vagus, flashy showgirls girls. Yes, the shore girl look. So they travel in twos and they usually like try to like flirt with you as you walk by, and basically you take a picture and you give them money. Whatever. Over the years, I've really seen the that get more aggressive because it started with just hey cutie or whatever. Then I have been paddled as I walk by. They've like slapped me in the butt with paddle. Um, some of them have whips.

[18:28] I've thankfully not actually been whipped, but they've had whips. And then the handcuff, this was before you got here, Nate, as you were mentioning, but I literally when at one point they just walked up and handcuffed me, and nay, I freaked the [expletive] out, let me tell you. I like ripped, I like ripped my hand. Like, and I knew it was plastic, but I was just like, no, like that's I was just like actually kind of upset because to me that was that was a bit crossing the line there of like kidnapping. It's basically kidnapping. I know it's a joke, but like, okay, that's excessive. Like people don't actually want that. I get it's Las Vegas, but like calm your kids, please. And it's always funny because like I'm gay too.

[18:28] Like, I just want to be like, honestly, if a Chip and Dales guy had done it, I probably would have been fine. But but it's like, of course, me being uh homosexual, the women just target me. Like I traveled with two men taller than six foot, but they weren't getting slapped and handcuffed, but I was, I was just getting manhandled and ain't passed around. Uh anyway, though, I'm glad it wasn't just me because the next day you had the same experience.

[20:00] Oh, yeah, the lady tried to handcuff me, but luckily I have the agility of a puma and was able to quickly dodge out of the way. And then that was our only assault on the way to the mall that we had to buy my wife's shampoo and conditioner, which was extremely overpriced and outrageous, but whatever. And then on the way back, we had another one thrust her ass, and she's only wearing a thong. She did both ways. She did it on the way up, too. Yes, it was the same couple of Sith Lords and thrust it out at me, and I almost had to cartwheel to get out of the [expletive] way.

[20:00] And then she starts talking to me about my Sephora bag, and I'm like, Yeah, there's lady stuff in here for ladies, like my wife, who I'm married to. So good day, madam.

[20:41] Didn't well didn't she say too, like, I like your wife or something?

[20:43] Yeah, I'm like, no, you don't, you don't even know her. Okay, now you're just [expletive] lying. Yeah, like you're trying to assault me, but now you're lying.

[20:51] You were not subtle. You're like, yeah, they're for my wife. Uh you literally said it just like that, and completely did not matter at all.

[20:57] Oh no, she gave no [expletive].

[20:59] That was new. Nate, I truly like I've seen a lot of tactics. The thrust turnaround and back up into you with their ass. That I've only seen with you, Nate. You attracted something special.

[21:10] I I don't even know how to explain why that happened to me. It pretty much scarred me. I had nightmares about it. I'm gonna be shook up about it for a while. I'll probably never walk the strip ever again.

[21:24] On that note, Nada, you're what's uh what's going on with this week's campaign? Are we ready for some more death monks? I think we are.

[21:31] Um Death Monks. Hey, finally, let's get in the screen, and we've got the never chain.

[22:16] Last time on Dev Monks.

[22:19] Starting to come together. There's a nail tech facility and something going on. But before that, two of my suspects. One Roy, something or other 6593-126. And one just blue-collar worker whose name is kind of irrelevant, but we'll call him Ash, I think. Suspect Ash and Roy arrive at a club and meet with a contact. She's not a dancer, but Ash seems very into her. But Roy maybe is even more into her. His nipples are erect and telling.

[22:58] Zoomed in.

[23:02] What could it mean? After some quid probe quo, the contact asks for a favor involving an investigation at a local nail facility. Upon completion of this task, she will hand over information for the boy. The dynamic duel goes to the nail tech facility, and after some shenanigans of sorts, Ash encounters a frozen butcher room. He suspects absolutely nothing but abducts a computer, to which Roy then manages to open an Excel spreadsheet and infer some shocking information. But just then the NailTex arrive at a VR cafe that they attend. And after the Nail Techs use their nail tech. That's canon. Yeah, nail tech. A chase ensues, and they are thankfully saved by a three-seater motorcycle ridden by none other than Proxy. You got anything to add, Nate?

[23:56] Uh yeah, I do actually. Literally yesterday, a coworker of mine came up and said, Hey, you know how to run Excel, right? And I just laughed in their face. I'm like, no, I don't know how to [expletive] run Excel. What makes you even think I know how to run Excel? So my character in this campaign is very much me.

[24:14] Yes, absolutely, Nate. I mean, literally, you had to have used Excel in in school, right?

[24:21] No.

[24:21] No.

[24:22] My my computer class was me playing organ trail as soon as I got to uh whatever, a hundred words a minute typing. As soon as you got to the threshold, he let you do whatever the [expletive] you want, and I died of dysentery every day for the next three months. I just imagine like the game just launched.

[24:41] It was uh the only game besides Fuji Golf on the computer. Uh yes, yes, of course. Yes, so okay, uh Ash is quite literally Nate, Roy is quite literally me, nipples erect and all. Right now they are, I can see them.

[24:55] And Nate, where are we picking up today? So Proxy is dropping us off in an alley outside of my apartment building. And I think we're gonna pick it up from there. Uh hey, proxy, thanks again for you know everything. Um I'm like looking around, like not really making eye contact with her, just looking side to side. Um, just let me know when you find out what we needed. Okay, I I appreciate it. Thanks. And I go out for like an awkward fist bump.

[25:27] Oh, and proxy, you might need this. And uh Roy takes out what looks like a flip phone that's folded like way too many times, and he's like, it's actually like that laptop that he had. Kind of folded up and deciphered at the VR cafe. Uh, he's like, I think there's something really important in there. I think this is tied to that Suicide Booth Corporation. Also, there was a butcher meat packing facility in the back. It was very weird for a tech nail salon. I'm not fully unsure, but they did one hell of a job on my nails, let me tell you. Proxy turns and she's like, Good work, Roy. And I guess Ash. Maybe you should not give up like you always do, or like you did with your whole jingle writing business.

[26:07] Some of those we're gonna pick up. Proxy. Alright. It's only a matter of time. I haven't given up on it. I'm merely taking a break. It's it's still there.

[26:17] They're never gonna go anywhere if they stay in your computer. She pats you on the shoulder and turns away. Yeah, thanks. Let's go. Hi, Proxy. He says and he waves. She just uh does a burnout. Yeah.

[26:36] Alright, Roy. We need to just lay low for a little bit. We apparently have Nailtex with Nail Tech out to get us. And I have had a long day, and I really need to get a bare minimum seven hours. I'm not gonna lie to you. I need at least seven hours of sleep for me to be a functioning adult. So let's just get up there and get some rest, and we'll figure everything else out.

[27:02] I think that's fine, Ash. I mean, they'll never think to look for us here in this [expletive] all. I mean, this delightful community of hardworking, backbreaking citizens, uh, beacon. He's like looking around. He's like speaking louder and like making uncontact with like your neighbors.

[27:18] We look over and there's like five homeless people like by a barrel fire just getting warm. It's not even [expletive] cold outside, but they're just doing it just because.

[27:29] Alright, so we go inside, as edited out of a previous episode. We actually talked about how Ash lives on the top floor of his apartment complex and at the end of the hallway. So it is oh, and the elevator is always broken. Yes. So of course it takes a significant amount of time for both of them to get up the stairs. Ash has no problem with it. Roy, of course, is like a sweaty mess by the time they get to your apartment, and we get to the door.

[27:56] Ooh, I should have bought you some waters before we came up here. But there's balls in the fridge, if you want. The big balls? Yeah, the big balls. Oh, yeah, I'm getting addicted to those. Are those addictive? No. This is where we do like a cut over to the can and it zooms in. It's like warning, highly addictive. List of ingredients. Methamphetamines.

[28:20] Amazing. So we open the door, and can you describe like what you see in your room?

[28:25] So immediately we open up my little studio apartment. The door pushes open, and it looks like a tornado has gone through here. The couch cushions have been piled on top of each other in what looks like a makeshift fort. Um, the refrigerator has been taken off of its normal spot and drug into the fort. And the ceiling fans and every single light in this apartment is on, which instantly, even though I'm not paying for the electric, it sends like a shiver up my spine where I'm immediately pissed off that somebody would just be running up all this stuff. And then it almost looks like there's a small fire coming from the center of the couch cushion fort because there is smoke billowing out of the top of it like a teepee.

[29:14] Roy doesn't notice any difference. He thinks this is what your apartment has always looked like. And he's like, no place like home, right?

[29:21] I don't say anything. I kind of just stand there in disbelief. Do we see the boy anywhere in the room?

[29:28] No.

[29:29] Absolutely not. No, not right now. Is like the the door still closed between you and Jared's apartment? Yes, that is.

[29:37] Okay.

[29:38] Okay, well, I'm exhausted, you're exhausted.

[29:41] Where do you suppose we sleep? I was going to sleep on the couch, but apparently someone is using the cushions for a fort. Excuse me, Roy, I need to see what the [expletive] is going on. And I walk over to the TP couch cushion fort with the smoke billing out of it, and I just move one of the cushions to the side, and eat inside I see the child over an open flame. I don't know what he used as kindling or any kind of fuel for this fire, but he does have Jair's cat on a spit, and he is currently roasting Jair's cat. And my first thought is heh.

[30:25] That sucks. Oh man, we're eating cat now. Uh things are really escalating pretty fast. I'm not used to this lifestyle, Ash.

[30:34] No, no, we don't we don't eat cat. Oh, thank God. The boy is just he's eating Jair's cat. That that's definitely Jar's cat. You say that you hear like a new common term.

[30:47] Uh hey, uh Ash, are you there? Yeah, Jared just came in late night. Probably gonna be going to bed soon. Yeah, uh, you know, I don't, you know, I definitely don't want to keep you up or anything. Uh a couple questions. A, it smells like smoke in my side of the room, and uh, do you know what that's about?

[31:03] Yeah, Jared, uh, they started turning the heaters on because it's starting to get cold. So, you know, I guess that smell when the the heater hasn't been on for a while and then it comes on, you know. Got it. It's summer, so that's weird. Well, you tell that to the five homeless people outside by the burn barrel. All right, Jarr.

[31:21] Yeah, okay, all right. I guess that makes sense. Now you're a pop man. Uh the other thing is I haven't seen my cat, Ash. Have you seen my cat around? His name's is Dimples.

[31:31] Oh, Dimples? Yeah, I remember Dimples. Cute [expletive] cat, Jar. Super cute cat. Um, I look down at the ground and I'm like, uh purple collar, purple white striped collar. Yeah, exactly. Have you seen him? Haven't seen him, Jar. Honestly, even if you put up a poster right now, it's been so long since I've seen him. I don't even remember what kind of what kind of cat he was. Whoa. I'm looking down at the cat. I'm like, was he orange tabby, Jarr? Yeah, no bad, Jarr. I don't know, man. There's so many of those around. I'm I I'm sure he'll show up, man. These cats just like to go for prowls, Jar. You know, I'm sure it's nothing, bro.

[32:06] Yeah, I uh he'll probably come back. He's never been one to really leave, but uh Well, trust me, Jerry.

[32:13] He's not he he won't leave you, man. He'll always be here, I'm sure. Aw, thanks, man. All right, I'll let you go. Have a good night. Be safe in there, all right. Good night, Jerry. Wow, your roommate is quite thick. Well, he's not a roommate, and he lives next door, and he's a real piece of [expletive]. Like, do you hear him always bugging me? Like, I got so many things going on right now that like the last thing I need is a nosy neighbor wondering where the [expletive] his cat's at.

[32:36] I imagine the boy like plucks off the like cheek meat of the cat and starts eating it.

[32:41] I throw open my mouth a little bit. But then honestly, I've probably seen worse things because I'm over it and go grab a [expletive] big bowl.

[32:49] Roy uh puts on some gloves that you happen to have for some reason. Maybe they're like kind of like hardware gloves or whatever.

[32:56] Yeah.

[32:56] Yeah. He like delicately like picks up the cat and throws it into the garbage dispower. So and you hear the masaws and the f and then the fire extinguishers for last episode. He's like, Well, I took care of that. We won't be finding any cat around here. I think you're getting used to this uh lifestyle there. Oh, thanks, man. I think we make a good team. I can't believe we got out of that nail tech situation.

[33:19] I know. Wasn't that crazy when they were climbing on the walls like that?

[33:22] I almost pissed myself. It's not surprising. I mean, look at the job they did. And Nate, give me like an odd or even roll. Odd. Well, you notice like in my circuitry designs on my nails, one of my fingers blinks.

[33:36] Hmm. Is that normal for your like your nail? I'd like I've never done my nails before. Oh, it's cool. You should really try it. No, I'm it's not for me. But I'm not judging anybody who does. You know, but it's definitely not for me. But is it normal for it to be like blinking like that? Your your middle finger.

[33:56] Oh yeah, it gets real. I mean, look at like they literally grew out like long adamantium nails that they then climbed the wall with. I mean, it's not unusual to see lights and LED lights included in your in your nail design.

[34:10] I don't know if I trust it. What do you mean do we mean trust it? Like, what if it's like I'm not I'm like going out on a limb here, and anytime I see a flashing light anywhere, it's usually some kind of tracking beacon or a recording device or something like that. I do spend a lot of time on the conspiracy theory forums, so I think I know what I'm talking about.

[34:32] Roy is like standing, so behind Roy is the window open out to like your apartment, and he's like standing facing you, and he's like, that is the most ridiculous thing. And in the background, you see like a nail tech climb, like Spider-Man climbing like the wall with her nails, and uh you're like, holy [expletive]. He like turns around and sees that. He's like, Oh my god, dude, take it off, take it off. Do you have some nail polish remover?

[34:56] Just break it off and throw it in the [expletive] garbage disposal.

[34:59] It's no, they painted it on. I don't, I don't, I don't oh Jesus. Uh and I just like turn on your like sink and like put it in, and then I just like pour some big bowl into the sink and I just dip my nails into it, and you hear like some sparking and more smoke. I'm like, okay, did it stop blinking?

[35:18] I like take my hands out. I think we're good. Oh my god. I immediately go to the window and start pulling back the curtain. Like they don't need to be looking in here. And what the [expletive] have you been doing all day? And I start and turn and start looking at the little boy. Yeah, I'm talking to you. What w what have you been doing? You thrashed my [expletive] place. You ate Jair's cat. What have you been doing?

[35:42] He looks like very like dewy-eyed at you. Just like really big, wide, like almost like anime eyes. Like they seem a little actually oversized for like a human. And he just stares at you. How can you yell at a face like that?

[36:00] Yeah. You know what, Roy, you're you're right. I can't be mad at that face. Come on, let's fix the couch. And I'll tuck you in. We're going to bed, bro. Are you talking to me or the boy? The boy. I'm not we're not going to bed.

[36:11] Yeah, no, of course, of course. Yeah, don't and as you like put the cushions back in the fort was when it was your toaster.

[36:18] [expletive]. It's the only nice thing that I haven't stole from Jair. I look inside, it's got a bunch of [expletive] in there. It's like unusable now. Like I didn't even know I had crayons in here. Where where did you find crayons to put them in the toaster? I'm never getting that out. This toaster's unusable now.

[36:35] Despite saying it's unusable, you plug it back into the wall. And I'm gonna say you don't notice that like when you like plug it in, you see like things like light up inside and around the toaster, and then like you see like like glyphs around the outlet that like expand out and then fade.

[36:53] He's like solving some kind of deep mystery for me. I I would be uh too pissed to notice any of that and more worried about my toaster.

[37:03] And Roy was just tidying up. He mostly doesn't clean as much as just like move things from one area of clutter to a less area of clutter. It's like osmosis of sorts.

[37:15] Thanks for that, man. Um I'm gonna go take a shower. You can unwind the computers there if you need to check like personal email or whatever it is that you need to unwind. I I don't know what office people do. Do you play Sudoku?

[37:31] Do I play Sudoku? Of course I do. But I'm honestly a little bit more of a wordle kind of guy myself. Oh, okay. I'm I'm sorry, man.

[37:41] Uh uh make yourself comfy, let's [expletive] go to bed.

[37:46] Alright. So you're in the shower, you like I can hear you like pull the curtain whatever. And uh Roy gets on and he's like, huh, let's see what's going on in the old inbox, and he's like taking through and gets a profession email for Daft Monks and their 12-step plan for re-evaluating your life choices and getting back on track. And then he sees in the spam folder like a like a one, and he uh clicks in the spam folder and he sees an email from the jet is recognized. And it says, Roy, it's Cheryl. Let me help is the subject line. Man, that is very specific. I do not know many Cheryl's, but if she offers me a million dollars in a foreign cow, then I will definitely report this detail.

[37:46] And then he opens it up and he reads it, and he runs into the bathroom, opens the door, like pull the curtain open in this tower, and he's like, ah, you're not gonna believe it.

[38:45] So you just walked in on a grown man naked? No, I couldn't possibly believe it. Like, pull the curtain for it again. I'm still like soaping myself. I'll take open it back up. I just got enough for Cheryl. You know, there's there's like a a personal space who's Cheryl.

[39:01] Cheryl had a birthday on the day that we basically kidnapped the boy from Beacon Crypt. She I think she's she's trying to help Jackson said she had some information. And she's always been in to me. This is though. Remember the girl who f when she would come in her office and asked me to unplug things from under her desk and plug them back in, I was always very confused why she had me do that. Well, she said she had a thing for me and she wants to help.

[39:24] Hmm. I think this could have waited until I'm not naked. But we're both grown men here. Like eyes you doubt and then looks up, like, yeah, that wasn't noticeable or weird at all. But okay, let me finish. And then we'll talk when I get done. Three more minutes. Stop.

[39:44] Honestly, I'm gonna press you shower up for that long. I had you pegged as a 90-second kind of guy, so and yeah, I closed the curtain.

[39:50] Well, I uh I split the water bill with Jair. It's pretty affordable. Now you noticed you look up, you can see like extra pipes coming up from my step already and going back through, like bypassed from the normal plumbing that's in the apartment.

[40:09] So Roy goes out and closes the door, and he's like, I just have to think of a place to meet Cheryl, somewhere safe and and recluse. And just then I you hear knock, knock, knock on the door, and you can't hear it because you're in the shower. Right, singing jingles. Hey, Ash. Uh had a quick issue going on here, and uh Roy's just in his head, like, what the [expletive]? He's like, Yeah, Jar, what's going on?

[40:36] Well, I just uh you got a cold or something? Your throat sounds a little off.

[40:40] Yeah, man, I'm trying to sleep and I've just been fighting this cold. It'd really be great if I could get some rest. But what's going on, Jair?

[40:49] Jair's just like, yeah, it's just uh I'm getting these weird leaks from my ceiling, and I don't really understand why.

[40:56] Uh we're the top floor, you know, so there's no one above me. Um, but there's, you know, water leaking over my desk, which is really the least ideal place to have a leak, honestly. Roy just rolls his eyes. He's like, Yeah, Jared, they're putting a pool on the roof. Uh, there was a newsletter about it in the email. All you gotta do is calm down and report it to the the building facilities. It's probably just a leak.

[41:19] You look over and the boy's like giving you a thumbs up.

[41:23] He's like, [expletive] yeah.

[41:24] It's like, oh, that's that's crazy, a pool on the roof. Um, I mean, is it like an above ground pool? Like, because there's just no like you know, there's nowhere to go, you know, into the ground.

[41:35] And like, Jair, I don't know. I didn't build a pool, Jair. Okay, it's just they're putting I mean, do you want to go swimming or not?

[41:41] I guess that would be pretty cool. And so, all right, I'll uh I'll I'll figure it out, man. Thanks. Thanks, Ash. Like, yeah, whatever. Good night.

[41:52] All right, and then I am uh out of the shower and in my Jimmy Jams at this time now. I'm like, were you just talking to Jared?

[42:00] Uh yeah, he had some like weird leak going on. I'm guessing probably related to the fact that you're stealing his water. Um, but I told him they're building a pool on the roof.

[42:09] I don't say anything, I just give you like a nod of approval and a smile, like, alright, yeah.

[42:14] Alright, Jim Jams, we need a secret place we can meet up with Cheryl, a safe place, a private place.

[42:20] Oh man. I mean, I hate to be cliche about this, and I've seen a lot of movies, but we could meet out by the docks.

[42:30] The docks. The Beacon City docks. Once a beautiful, pristine lake, now filled with pollution and just disgusting trash and waste. Yeah, let's do it.

[42:43] Yeah, I go for walks there. Sometimes it's kinda relaxing, nobody else goes out there. Especially after the mutants started crawling from the shore. And then there's that whole like big fence that they had to put up to stop them.

[42:55] I imagine every year Beacon Group does a community day where everybody like cleans up like the lake or the bay, and then after everybody leaves, the truck backs up to the docks and just dumps everything right. He's like, Yes, that's that place is just quite disgusting enough and and repulsive to keep everyday pedestrians away.

[43:15] Oh, perfect. You got like a time frame in mind? Because if that nail tech nail tech is out there still climbing around, we should lay low at least till the morning or tomorrow night, you know? I don't want her scurrying all about me. I'm getting the heebie jeebies thinking about it.

[43:31] Uh I'm gonna leave it open to Cheryl. She's gotta act natural, she said, and still like go to work and all that stuff. So um we'll go ahead and oh, I imagine, by the way, we even talked about this. I imagine like weekends isn't a thing in in the future. You actually work every day and it's just like you have like shorter shifts or something. Like they they made it instead of like an eight-hour workday at seven, but you work every and that somehow worked out. So she even if it's on like the weekend today, they have to go after work.

[43:56] Oh yeah, and you're expected to do overtime, like it's not even that big of a deal.

[44:00] Yeah. Uh so he types up a really nice email with some emojis and some like really, you know, sweet things to say. Um and he clicks send and right away like a ding, it's like looking forward to it, big boy.

[44:13] Oh, I'm looking over your shoulder. Like that was a pretty quick response. I've never got a response that quick from a lady. Or anybody, really.

[44:23] No, that's because you don't know how to use technology. That's true. I mean, face it, you wouldn't know how to open your inbox if it, you know, literally was a box with mail inside of it. You switch over to my email and there's like five thousand emails in there. I'm like, how'd you get in there? You've never logged out, it's actually always been opened.

[44:40] Oh good to know. Good to know.

[44:43] Alright, nighty night, I'll uh I'll sleep out here and and watch the boy. And I say out here, you you just have like a studio park, right? There is no bedroom.

[44:51] Correct. And I I kind of made you uh a bed, if you don't mind, like while you're busy on the computer typing up that email. And you look back and there's like a empty cardboard box that had a big bowl in it at one point, and I just put like a little blanket in there, so it looks like a makeshift cat or dog bed. Oh. But like that's kind of all I had. So Wow. Thank you. That was you shouldn't have. Hey, it your house is my house. And I snap my fingers in a bed, like comes unfolding from the wall, and it's like one of those Murphy beds.

[45:23] Yeah, nice king sized, it's [expletive] humongous. Roy just looks over, so the boy is like nestled on the couch with like uh all the cushions like around him. And then you're like in your Murphy bed, and then I just like crawl into my box. That feels surprisingly similar to the beacon group bed they provided in the workplace dormitories. Well, that's depressing, Roy. Good night. And we'll play like a little like suit saying, like, doo doo doo to go into the next day. I want to say we wake up to like gunshots or like something. Or you do, and I just roll it over.

[46:00] Roy's like, what the [expletive]? Did you hear that? I think the nail tags are here. Oh no, Roy, it's fine. That's that's uh big Sam. He's kind of like a rooster around here. At certain times he just pops off his gun. It keeps the prices down in the neighborhood, he said.

[46:17] That's positively dangerous and kind of genius.

[46:21] Yeah, he only hit Jar one time, which was [expletive] awesome. That was a good day. But other than that, you know, nobody else has got hurt. Uh we look around and I don't see the boy right off the bat. Uh he's in the kitchen currently, and it looks as if he's cooking some kind of eggs or something like that. But then I kind of smell it, and I wake up and I'm like, Hey, I don't have any eggs. So what are you cooking?

[46:53] He just like looks over at you like oh it's again, just a big eyed, and then like smiles and then like goes back to like moving the like pan around.

[47:02] Oh, now I'm awake because I'm stressed about whatever he could be [expletive] cooking, and I immediately run over to the kitchen and look down in the pan. And what I see are just photographs of Jair and his family on vacation, and I'm a little upset, but also a little happy. And I pat him on top of the head and I'm like, you keep doing you, bud. You keep doing you. I don't know how you are better at sneaking in a Jar's apartment than I am right now, but you keep fighting the good fight, and then he looks up at me as he's cooking and just gives a thumbs up. I'm like, yeah.

[47:42] Roy comes over, like stretches his arms out like good morning, like, ah, what's for breakfast? And he looks down. Just like, what the [expletive]?

[47:52] Apparently our little buddy's a psychopath, and we're gonna be eating Jared's family for breakfast. So I suggest if you want real food, um, we have to go to the little cafe around the corner and get it. Did you get an email from whatever her name is, Cheryl? Oh yeah, I'll go check it out. Um, do we any chance we have any more bagel bites left? Hmm, there's no toaster to cook them in. Well, I mean you plugged it back in, it's still there. You like look over and the toaster's gone, by the way. Oh well [expletive]. You didn't leave it in Jared's apartment, did you, little [expletive]? He's still just smiling to cooking up family pictures.

[48:25] Give me an odds or even. It was an even. So you don't notice anything. Perfect. I'm still upset. Roy goes over and you know, logs back into his email, and uh sure enough, uh, it's an email at the time. It said, Hey, uh, I'm gonna meet you on my lunch break over by the dock. Be discreet. Meet me by warehouse 37.

[48:49] Uh, warehouse thirty-seven, huh? Yeah, I know exactly where that's at. Considering I take a lot of walks down there and um contemplate life and work on jingles, you know. Sometimes I'll sit and stare at the water, but that's n that's too deep, bro. Um, let's go get some bagels, real bagels, at that little place around the corner, and then we can stop and pick up my truck on the way, but it'll be quicker to get down there. And then um we'll go meet her. I think it's pretty close by the time we get those errands done, it should be right on time. Sounds good to me. And uh Roy walks over to the boy and he's like, Are you hungry?

[49:25] Yet have you been eating Jerry's food? He just gives you a thumbs up. Okay. Yeah, this is not helpful at all. Ash, I don't know what's going on.

[49:36] It is he mute, is he confused, is he gifted? I don't [expletive] know, man. I don't know anything about kids. I mean, some of the stuff he does is [expletive] hilarious. Like, I'm gonna look back on the cat and the pictures thing and laugh my ass off. But right now I'm a little upset because my toaster's gone. So I need to leave. Give me another roll real quick.

[49:56] Even again. Okay, this time you you hear like a scurrying noise like towards the ceiling, and you like turn around and look up real fast, but there's nothing there. But you could have sworn you hor you heard something like scuttling along the roof or the ceiling of your room.

[50:11] Oh my god. Yeah, we gotta leave, dude. Um boy, uh watch the place, uh [expletive] with Jair. I got the heebie jeebies right now, cause all that's running through my mind are the nail tech nail techs climbing on the ceilings. And I'm [expletive] a little bit nervous, but I have no problem leaving the boy behind. So Roy, let's uh let's let's get going, alright? And I'm like constantly looking over my shoulder and double checking every like corner of the ceiling of of the apartment.

[50:38] And we do that, and we head outside and you hear the door click. And right after that happened, the boy like looks over towards like the bathroom, and like around the corner you see like, or not you see, but the boy sees like the toaster, but it has now like like [expletive] like legs, like mechanical legs, and it's like glowing red on the inside, and the boy just like smiles and gives it a thumbs up. And it just cuts away.

[51:04] That's terrifying. I'm scared to be in my house right now. Um, so uh walking distance to the bagel place. Well, um Ash is walking distance, and then another little jaunt, I'm gonna say like block wise, if we're in a city, probably like five blocks from the bagel place to the uh truck repair shop.

[51:28] Uh yeah, so we walk over, we get the bagels, nothing elemental happens. There is some Sith Lord looking women uh kind of heckling you as you walk you by, as you walk by, catcalling, as it were. Um reverse catcalling, reverse chivalry, as it were. Yes.

[51:46] Left out that story.

[51:48] Sure did.

[51:49] Um and uh yeah, and we start heading to the shop.

[51:54] Yeah, don't worry about those people. They're nothing but trouble. Like all they want to do is get your attention, and next thing you know, they're gonna try to steal from you. I heard one time they straight stole a dude's chip implant that worked for a corpse and just chopped off his [expletive] hand. So just don't get don't get caught. That's all I'm saying. Wow. That seems really extreme. Do you think proxy's like that? Oh, absolutely not. She's an angel. Wow. I've never heard you say anything nice about women in general. Well, she's not standing right here. If she was here, I'd say something different, but I gotta keep my rep up, you know?

[52:27] Yeah, what's what's that about, man? I mean, I get you guys used to be in a relationship, but there's still some some sexual chemistry there that I just can't put my finger on.

[52:36] Well, look at that, we're here at the shop. Put a pin in it. Now be prepared, Roy, because this is my baby. It's in the shop because I got into a little bit of a fender banner. People don't know how to drive in this [expletive] town. And the potholes, don't get me started on the potholes, but this is my pride and joy. If you thought my apartment was nice, I didn't. You wait. Oh. Well, my truck is [expletive] nice, alright?

[53:05] Alright, fair enough. And uh you open the door and you kind of like usher him in, like all proud-like. And he's like, Oh my god, it's beautiful. And he walks over to a vehicle that is not like the vehicle you checked on in the first episode. It looks like some kind of like hover truck that has like LED lights and like just like I don't know, other cool modern tech. Um, and it's just like it's hovering and it's got chrome and [expletive], and it's like playing like some like vegan group scat music or something. And he's like, I really had you pegged wrong. I thought you were gonna be driving one of these things, and he like points to your actual vehicle.

[53:45] I was like, Oh, that that's that one's that one's kind of nice, Roy, but it's a little uh too flashy for my taste. Uh that one that you just pointed to, that that is my my truck. It's it's got tires, I know. Oh, it's not a hover model. So they didn't repair it? No, it's it's it's in a lot better shape than it was. It has a bumper on the front. I wasn't there before. But uh yeah, it's still uh a gasoline model and great run in shape, you know?

[54:16] An absolute relic. I can't wait to die in one of these things. Let's go. Wait till you check inside. It still has the cassette player.

[54:24] Yeah, it still smells like the 1900s, too. So as we get in, I get comfy cozy in my seat, double check my wallet in the front pocket, um, get dialed in, adjust my mirror. Alright, you ready? Let's roll.

[54:42] Alright, so we we take off and uh Roy is just like has the window down and is just like kind of like dejectedly staring out of the window, wishing he was in the cool truck. And you guys are on your way to the docks. Um and the docks, once you arrive, they really haven't again, it's used for storage, um, chemical waste uh, you know, disposal, and just it's a place that people avoid in this modern era. We get there, and it just looks like a labyrinth of warehouses. Like you can't even see the water. And I'm like, this is the docks?

[55:16] Yeah, this is the docks. That's it's not bad. Right? Like, where's the where's the water? Oh, the water, you gotta go out quite a ways to get to the water. Like, this is like the docks, like when they still used the water, but now like the water's not really used and it's kind of receding back into itself. Yeah, I'm receding back into myself right now, too. Jesus. I reach behind the seat and like in the back pouch of the sea I pull out some binoculars. And I'm like, look out in the distance. You can see the little shimmer of water out there. No, I just see some moss on a rock. Yeah, that's the water. Oh. Yeah, it's great. It's really majestic out here.

[55:57] Okay, well, I guess this is a great place to meet Cheryl. Um, she said she's in warehouse 57. Do you know how to navigate these buildings at all?

[56:06] Oh, yeah, I come down here a lot. I'll take you right to it. And we get lost.

[56:11] And I drive around for a little bit more. So you guys are like Roy begins to get impatient. He's like, no, I think like I think it's just gridded, you know, like one, two, three, and then like up a row and stuff. Like, just go right, and you don't like being told what you you're like to do, so you're like fighting back a little bit. And then, like, as you guys are like arguing, um, you just hear like a thud, like a slam in like the front of the vehicle.

[56:34] What the [expletive] was that? Immediately slam on the brakes. I get out, and I don't even check what I hit, I just check the damage to my truck. What is it? It's a [expletive] fender bender, dude. It's put a dent right in my [expletive] bumper again. This is [expletive] the [expletive] that I gotta deal with.

[56:52] No, not how is your vehicle? Like, what did you hit? And then the Roy gets out and he gasps like really gross. He's like, Oh! And he looks down and it's Cheryl.

[57:01] Oh [expletive], Roy, that sucks, bro. But do you think she has insurance? Cheryl, are you okay?

[57:08] And you hear some like coughing, like and I'm like, oh my god, she's alright, and she's gonna be okay. And Roy like comes down, like, Cheryl, I'm so sorry this happened to you. And he like rolls her forward, like, or onto her, she was either on her side or on her stomach, and like curled into like a like a you know, a field position, and he like rolls her onto her back, and there's just like a bunch of like what looks like adamantium nails like sticking all out. Like, oh my god, Cheryl, they got to you. And she's like Roy.

[57:39] And you were the only person who didn't come to my birthday.

[57:46] And Roy's like, oh, well, that's because I was told I wasn't invited, and then Greg was gonna be there, and I just I'm sorry, were you here to help me? And she's like this. And she goes to like hand like a piece of paper, and just as that happens, a bullet like shoots directly through the paper, and like that paper like rips in half and then like blows into the wind. And then we like holy [expletive], what the [expletive] was that?

[58:19] And we look up in the distance, we see a large, seven-foot-tall woman, very poorly built. Uh, imagine the movie Kickass the Russian Dame that I believe was in the second one. Eye patch over one eye, but she also has this weird, I don't know if you watch One Piece, but the uh one captain with the big metal jaw. Um, but or this one's made of gold. So just a golden jaw implant. And then she has like basically a big old like sniper rifle that she is just holding casually, like it's nothing, even though it's a very heavy weapon. And she just throws it over her shoulder and like poses off in the distance.

[59:02] What the actual [expletive]? And then you start to like they start shooting again, and it's like, oh god, get in the car, get in the car, and save the truck, save the truck. I imagine like you get in and you just immediately hit the gas, and Cheryl is still in the same spot.

[59:18] You just drive over her body. Um, who I think was still alive at the moment.

[59:23] Roy. You don't think those knives in her face could puncture my tires, do you though?

[59:28] I don't know what, dude, but we gotta get the [expletive] out of here. Cheryl's not on her own at this point.

[59:33] I look back in the mirror and she's still like reaching up for help. But then the large Tastin jumps down from the height of the hero landing on top of her. Like Oh no, Roy, it's okay, man. I think she's dead, dude. It's fine. She she went out beastfully, bro. And then I'm trying to steer through this. I'm like, you know who that [expletive] was? I can't [expletive] believe it. It's [expletive] a big deal bounty hunter. It's [expletive] Midas underbite. Who the f that is the dumbest name I've ever heard. Well, originally her name was Goldjaw, but then somebody made fun of it and then she killed him. So it's [expletive] Midas underbite, bro. She catches every person she's ever been after. I read it on all the forums.

[60:13] Well, that's a problem, Ash, because that means she's gonna catch up. So can you [expletive] stop driving in a straight line? And just then you hear like a noise and like something landed on top of the car. I immediately just start screaming. I'm like, I'm swerving all over the place. You know how like electric can openers like like they like connect to the top and then like cut in a circle around that starts to happen to the top of your ball. Like just something is like like like just like sawing around and then it just like finishes and then like comes to abrupt stop and then uh might as underbite rips up the top and just looks down.

[60:55] I immediately slam on the brakes, and I'm like, my truck.

[61:01] Uh as you slam on the brakes, it kind of throws her a little bit forward, but she like starts to tumble towards the front of the like hood, but then she like grabs on, um, like sticks her hand through the window and grabs onto the deck, and then she like looks up at you.

[61:15] I I imagine us doing that thing in the 80s movies where we're screaming looking at her, and then we look at each other still screaming, and then we then we go back to looking at her still screaming. I immediately throw it in the book, just start backing up. This isn't gonna work. We we need to get in the traffic, Roy. Um, okay, hold on. And I like flip up out of the dock and I'm [expletive] cut out. But it's the only thing that I love in my life, so I'm still like taking care of my baby, and then we flip out him in the traffic and I'm cutting off in front of cars and [expletive], running through red lights.

[61:52] She immediately like takes her other so one hand's holding on a dash, but she takes her other hand and uh kind of like uh presses like a button in like the middle of her palm and the like arm changes into like a giant [expletive] like sledgehammer. Ooh yeah, but then it like shoots out into the back and like we just like flun like we we both move to the side and it shoots through the back through your back wing shield and it hits them like random person.

[62:20] Alright, after this point, I am pissed. I'm no longer screaming. I immediately move my left foot over to the accelerator and I take my right foot up and I hike back in my seat and I just start kicking her in her [expletive] golden jaw, and I'm like, you [expletive] piss. Meanwhile, we're still swerving, going all over the place. I don't know what you're doing at this point, but I'm worried about my truck and kicking this baby in the face. Um, Nay, what else would you say you have just like on the floor in your truck? Ooh, all kinds of stuff. So I use it for work purposes. So there are probably some tools, some extra clothes, some workout gear, um, a lot like the best dad in the world over the top. Um, Sylvester Stallone.

[62:20] I have a little bit of weight and stuff that I use. I spend a lot of time in my truck. There's also a bunch of empty cans of big bowl.

[63:12] So I I like open your tool Roy not I Roy opens your toolbox and just starts taking tools and like flinging them at her face, and a lot of them miss, but some of them just hit her like jaw and just bounce off. And then he like punches, like starts to run out of tools, so he like punches up your gym clothes and throws it, and it just like curls, it kind of like spreads out in the wind and covers her face, and then you just hear like uh and she can't see, so now she's like shooting projectiles without like random directions, and it's just like shooting into like the road, low like nearby buildings, like almost like at our head.

[63:45] Immediately in my mind, I don't say anything out loud, but I'm thinking, damn it, Roy, I had to pay for all those tools, bro. And then uh I slam on the brake, and then now we are in uh like a a tunnel section, and then the lights start flickering very oddly. Obviously, Midas Underbite doesn't see what's going on, but we notice it, and I'm like, oh [expletive], Roy. I think they're [expletive] closing down the tunnel, man. I don't know why they would do it this time of day. I'm looking down at my watch and [expletive]. Oh whatever, we're [expletive] going for, and I gun it back again through the tunnel.

[63:45] And then uh these lights are flashing, and then now uh lights are coming down from the ceiling, [expletive] big red flashing lights, a voice comes over like uh in her comp system inside the tunnel.

[64:35] Warning! Warning, please evacuate the tunnel. Emergency perger procedure, please evacuate.

[64:42] I'm like, oh [expletive] man, I don't know if we're gonna make it through in time.

[64:45] Uh we need to go faster, and I just start throwing like their toolbox and anything and yeah, that's not how this works.

[64:50] We're not in a chip, man. I'm like, hold on, and then I start kicking Midas Underbite again in the face a couple more times.

[64:57] I like crawl on like to your lap and then like into like the floor on your side. He's like, it's gotta be somewhere. And I like push the like hood button to like the hood, and it like lifts up, but like we all know how like a hood lifts up, so it actually just slides her forward up, and now you can't see in front of the vehicle.

[65:15] What the [expletive], Roy? Now these large pillars are starting to push in from the sides of the tunnels, and it's basically closing in the roadway, which was originally like four lanes, two on each side. Now, um, with these pillars closing in on the purge system, it's about one lane wide. I'm like in the middle of this [expletive] tunnel now, and we are driving, and man, now I can't see.

[65:41] It's like, well, Ash, it's been it's been fun. Uh, thanks for helping me survive a couple extra days, and uh, it's been it's okay, I'm I'm ready to die. He just closes his eyes.

[65:54] We're not gonna die yet. Not if I can help it in my gut again, but we're gonna get the [expletive] out of here. And then right then on the heads-up display of my truck, you hear a little Bing boom-boom.

[66:04] A message from Unknown.

[66:09] Okay. This isn't the time for a truck, but sure. And then the email immediately pops. Open and it's like a holographic little like Obi-Wan out of R2 looking email, and the person is shrouded, and there's like flames around them. Readings. Dante, I get it. Inferno. Ooh, that's a new one. Yeah. Roy, like, opens his eyes. I give Midas Underbythe a couple more kicks.

[66:35] I'm like, okay. You may be wondering why the title is doing this. It is my own doing. I am here to help you.

[66:44] I'm like, how is this helping me? Couple more kicks. Let him finish. Let him finish. Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's just an email, but we're treating it like it's a conversation. Carry on, play, play.

[66:56] I will help you out of this. I promise. End of message. This is Inferno.

[67:03] And then the message goes away. I'm like, how? How was that helpful? I'm so glad I waited for the end of that message, Roy. Couple more kicks to bite us other bite.

[67:10] I think it's connected to that Dante's fella. Dante Dante. That Dante fella, I've been hearing a lot about.

[67:16] So meanwhile, we're flooring it through. And then the pillars seem to stop because it wanted me apparently in a very specific direction. Like it's kind of veering me away from the center. Like some of the pillars are pushed in further than others, but then some are receded, kind of like it's guiding me. So I'm just following these things down. And then one more siren goes off, and then a very large airburst comes pouring out of the tunnel. And it pushes hard down on the truck, me and you are thrown into our seat since the roof has now been ripped off. But then immediately Midas Underbite is thrown from the hood of the car. Um, she actually takes the hood of the car with her.

[67:16] And as she's flying over our heads, like you're looking up at her, and then you look over at my face, and it's more of like a look of disgust on my face than anything with the tears rolling down my cheek.

[68:09] I want to say she's like thrown, like off in the background, we like look and we see her like somehow land, and then uh as she gets like smaller and smaller in sight, we see like a jetpack like fire up, and she just like takes off. And there's like oh that was a close one.

[68:26] Ash. Oh, I know, man. And then we look back, the pillars are closing off her from following us, but now they're opening up ahead of us. Man, we owe that inferno guy something, something big. Do you even know that guy? Like, why is he [expletive] helping us? What's what's his deal? Do you think it's Cheryl? Do you think she's Inferno?

[68:48] No, I think she's very much dead.

[68:50] She could still be alive, technically.

[68:52] The second time when you drew over, you literally pushed the nail tech nail tech spikes into her like chest. There is no way she's alive.

[69:00] Yeah, and you didn't see but [expletive] Midas underbite back there totally superhero landed on her. Yeah. I think she was the only girl who was ever into me. Um there's plenty of fish out there, Roy.

[69:10] You know, like not in this lake, and it just looks like the sludge, like as we go over a bridge. And we'll call it there for tonight.

[69:20] [expletive] Midas underbite. Midas underbite, I love it. Thank you for listening to this podcast, proudly sponsored by Beacon Group.

[69:30] What's Beacon Group? Take a look at your sad, beautiful life, and yearn for something greater like beacon group. Join us. We're not a cult. Not yet.

[69:44] Nate, as always, thank you so much. The highlight of tonight for me was the nail tech nail tech. Uh listeners, if you enjoy the show, um always remember, if you don't like the beginning part of the show, but you like the campaign, you can click either in Apple Podcast the chapters to jump to the campaign, or in Spotify you can click the timestamp you can click the timestamp in the description, and that will jump you to right to the campaign if you don't want to listen to the beginning banter. Um we are, of course, on social media. We have a subscription policy if you'd like to listen to our campaign. It is the lowest tier is three dollars.

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[70:50] So hopefully we'll get that in place soon.

[72:05] We have currently hired another staff member, uh, Chris, as a part of the Nat One Presents crew. So hopefully editing goes by a little bit faster now. So your support will be even more appreciated because that money will go straight to Chris.

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