One Good Turn Deserves a Turnbuckle Teddie
Edited audio transcript

Edited from an automatic transcription of the original recording. Strong language is masked; selected personal asides and adult material are marked [Editorial omission.]. Transcription errors may remain, especially in names and lyrics. Timestamps come from the source; paragraphs split for readability can share a timestamp. The original recording contains adult language and themes. Announcements and offers reflect the recording date.
Source: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1880667/episodes/12522496-one-good-turn-deserves-a-turnbuckle-teddie.mp3

[0:15] Hello and welcome to the Daft Monks podcast brought to you by Nat One Presents.

[0:20] Hey Nate. Hey Nate, how's it going?

[0:23] It's going good. Did you hear that last episode? Yeah, it was it was it was all right. Just all right. Like I said we were semi-pro, but after that last episode, man, we're [expletive] funny.

[0:34] Nate, you would like that episode. You talked 70% of the entire episode. That's probably why you like it so much.

[0:40] Donnie at work was like, I don't know how you don't lose your mind playing all those characters and you're talking to yourself. And I'm like, I'm just used to it, man. I'm crazy.

[0:47] My favorite was when we did the episode with Jack, and you guys frater, and you're like, now I'm going to talk to you like a crazy person having two different conversations. And then you interrupt yourself while explaining. It was crazy. It was wild. You do it so seamlessly.

[1:01] I try.

[1:03] It's a real talent.

[1:04] Oh, I'm gonna be that guy that gets Alzheimer's. I know. Yeah, don't mind grandpa. He's just over in the corner talking to himself and be like, oh, back in my day.

[1:14] Oh, don't talk to him like that. Megan Prey. She goes out before you.

[1:18] I think that's what she's hoping.

[1:21] Yikes. Oh man. All right. So what's what's going on? We don't uh we don't have jujitsu to talk about this time. So I guess we can we can talk about are you over your 80s movie kick?

[1:30] Oh, absolutely not, name. Um, over our stint from the last time we recorded.

[1:35] I watched two more 80s movies. One of them was Better Off Dead, starring John Cusack, a tale about a young teenage boy who's absolutely in love, or should I say, uh stalking. He's in love, they're dating, but he's basically a stalker because at one point it opens up his closet when the dad says, I think he's obsessed with her. And in his closet for all of the coat hangers or clothes hangers is a picture of his girlfriend's head on every single one of them, and it was hilarious. But the whole movie is funny, so he has to he tries out for the ski team, you know, the whole cliche thing, and then it turns out the ski captain wants to bang his girl, so she totally breaks up with him.

[1:35] There's a cute French foreign exchange student, blah blah blah. But there's funny 80s hijinks.

[2:20] But there is, in fact, a couple more points where they're like, Yeah, what are you queer? And things like like they just throw so they sprinkle it in there like it's commonplace banter in the 80s, which is crazy to me. Like it's very fascinating.

[2:36] Do you remember like any like other quotes?

[2:39] Oh, not verbatim. I'm gonna start writing them down now and then using timestamps if this is gonna be a continued-on segment, because I also watched uh 16 Candles, which is a very popular movie starring Molly Ringwald, and in that one is well, a bunch of very anti-gay slurs being thrown around, and it was just commonplace back then. And it's just super fascinating that this was mainstream culture and just bashing on it when I know for a fact probably 70% of the people making these movies are probably gay.

[3:13] Oh, Hollywood, come on, absolutely.

[3:15] Oh, yeah, for sure. They do it just for fun.

[3:17] You know, oddly enough, what triggered me the most when you were just describing all of that was that there was a ski club at that guy's school. Like, how like what kind of rich school do you go to that has a ski club? Or is that maybe maybe it's just like a northern height like thing? I don't know.

[3:31] That's how I took it, because he lives in the suburbs, but the ski team, it's an actual team, I guess. Like you'd have a swim team or football team, have to travel up to the mountains to compete. And like, what are the logistics on that? Like, yes, this is our school sport, but we have to travel an hour and some odd thing to even go to practice or do anything. Have you been skiing, Nate? Oh, never in my life. I am not a skier or snowboarder. In fact, I hate the snow with a fiery passion.

[4:02] So neither have I, but I grew up in New England. I mean, I I did snowboard a little bit, but like terribly. But skiing is like wildly expensive, Nate. Like I probably, I'm sure you know that. But like when you go to like a ski place, you have to buy the ski pass. If you don't know how to ski and you need lessons, you have to pay for the lessons. Like you have to pay for the lift ticket. You like it's an incredible and then like the food is like $40 a burger and fries and [expletive]. It's like wildly like you can't be poor. Like whenever I have friends that are like, Oh, have you skied? Like, no, like no, I didn't.

[4:02] Like, if you knew me and you knew where I grew up, you definitely know I didn't [expletive] ski. Like, that's a rich person thing.

[4:40] Right. That gives me an idea for uh when that one presents gets bigger that we're gonna make our own 80 spinoff movies. It's gonna be a poor kid from the streets, and he has to make his own skis and he has to climb his way to the mountain, but he's gonna get on that ski team.

[4:54] That has to exist already. That has to, I mean, there's already rollerblading ones. I can think of rollerblading ones, I can think of skateboarding ones. Um, there has to be a ski one.

[5:03] These are poor people sports, Nate. We need a poor man from the inner city, we need a poor closeted homosexual.

[5:10] Yes, and he's gonna make that ski team one way or another. So, Nate, I just gotta ask, what do you watch stuff on? Do you use like Roku or do you like where are all your streaming channels on?

[5:22] I have just a smart TV, and it used to be everything was run through the Xbox, but it's only Netflix and Hulu as of right now, and then a lot of random YouTube [expletive].

[5:33] I was gonna say, like, did you install a random app that's just like passive aggressive 80s films and you're just watching everything in the catalog?

[5:42] I think it's the the thing where like they see what you're watching and what you might be interested in, and mine is extremely aggressive on the 80s movies. Like, oh, you watched one 80s movie, how about this? And I'm like, okay, why not? And now there's a whole section where that's all it shows.

[5:58] The the algorithm to figure out in 80 is actually very simple. It's like you did this one thing, just keep doing that same thing.

[6:07] Well, I'm a sucker for it because I will click on it. I'm like, yep, looks good to me.

[6:13] Amazing. Nate, you mentioned movies earlier. Well, I mean, we talked about the 80s movie, but you also mentioned going to the movies, and I found out my [expletive] coworker also got to go see the premiere. He's like, Oh, yeah, there was like an Amazon special. They just like, if you have Amazon, you could have gone to a theater. And I'm like, I have Amazon Prime.

[6:31] I have Amazon? Yeah, yeah.

[6:32] I know, what the [expletive]? Like, I'm like, is everybody going to see this movie except me? Um, but anyway, he said it was good. Oh, yeah, he said there was like, you know, no like the character development is eh. But I'm like, yeah, I mean, it's like a fantasy fiction action Dungeons and Dragons movie. Like, I'm I wasn't expecting very much. But he says, yeah, it's it's funny. The cat he says it's well cast and it's like funny and enjoyable.

[6:54] You know what? As long as we get better than Sonya Blade in the Mortal Kombat movies, I will be happy with that.

[7:01] But Nate, you're the problem because you're the single person watching that movie and over again. You're literally what's funding them making the decision to Mortal Kombat 2, 3, 4, and 5. Sony's revenge. They're just looking at the plays, not realizing it's all come from the same IP address.

[7:15] You're like, this one guy in Nevada [expletive] loved it. And we know for a fact it was Sonya who roped him in.

[7:25] No denying it.

[7:26] When's that movie coming? I haven't heard [expletive] about that. I wonder if maybe COVID slowed it down or something. Right.

[7:32] I have a theory. So Injustice 2 was technically supposed to be, or three, I guess, was supposed to be the next uh WB Nether Realm games coming out, and that has now been denied, and it's actually gonna be another Mortal Kombat game coming out. So it'll be MK12. So basically they confirmed that. So I think that is gonna coincide with a movie release as well. That makes sense, yeah. And that should be uh what are we looking at? So Street Fighter is coming out, and then it should be Mortal Kombat, so probably around October-ish, I believe Mortal Kombat should be coming out, and I think that's when we'll start hearing stuff about the movie as well. That would be a marketing home run. Sorry.

[8:16] Oh, yeah. Do you remember from the trivia? I I we did with the Mortal Kombat trivia. Do you remember what I said, like the marketing day they did? Mortal Monday. Yeah. Like launched the game. So stupid. Fatality Friday. I'm like, come on, we could have easily we could have worked this through.

[8:32] Finish him Friday.

[8:35] Is that from one of your 80s movies? Yeah, I think so. Finish him. You queer. So bad. Oh man. Well, anyway, Nate, I hope um, gosh, by the time that comes out, I might be in the same state as you again. Who knows? I know. We're itching to move to Nevada, we're looking like, but we're gonna wait for that sweet, sweet VA loan before we do that. So it's probably like two years out.

[9:01] The market's actually at a pretty decent place right now. It dropped. And if there's the extreme fallout like everybody's planning, then of course it'll drop more, but at least it's down right now. A guy at work was actually like, hey man, should I like really buy a house right now? And I'm like, Yeah, dude, you need a place to live, first of all. Like, look at me. I spent almost $400,000 on a [expletive] trailer, dude. You're gonna come to me for house advice? Like, just buy a house.

[9:28] I'm the idiot. Like, don't come to me.

[9:30] Anytime you get that question, just show them the bathroom at the carpet.

[9:34] Oh, yeah. Like this had to come out right away. I bought a house with carpet in the bathroom, dude. Like, come on, blue and carpet. You know how disgusting that is?

[9:43] It was a 1994 manufactured home, and the carpet's probably original. So, how many years of people just pissing all over that [expletive] carpet? And I was like, Yep, sign me up. Jot my name down on the [expletive] dotted line.

[9:56] You need to call those ladies up to sell the vacuum cleaner to come.

[10:00] They'd be like, We're not cleaning that mess.

[10:05] I swear to God, they were hiding dirt in their [expletive] pocket, Nate. And when they walked in, they distracted me and threw it on the ground. And they're like, Oh, look at this filth we're cleaning up.

[10:14] I don't know what episode that is. Whatever the main activity was, the episode pales in comparison to the story you told on that episode about the carpets. It is like one of my top episodes. It's so good. I hope I I I'm sure if those women are alive, they're not listening to our podcast. But I would love for them to listen back to you.

[10:32] You know what? I hope they are listening. And guess you can be a [expletive] guest on the show for all I care. And I'm gonna call you out on your [expletive]. Like, how dare you come at me like that in my own home and say that I'm living in filth? Really hurt my feelings.

[10:48] So stupid. So stupid. All right, Nate. What else? Anything else top of mind for you? I know you came with an agenda last week. It was very unusual.

[10:57] Right. Um, the only other thing that happened to me was I had to actually do fatherly duties. And oh yeah. Yeah. So Corbin had a field trip last Friday, and they needed a chaperone. And Megan put her foot down and said, It is your turn. I've been to the last three. You need to go to one. And I'm like, Oh, I guess I'm off on Fridays. I guess I can go. How hard could it be? Oh, and by the way, you have to drive because Corbin goes to a Christian private school, so they don't have buses. So you have to drive two other of his classmates with you to Vegas, the hour-long drive to Vegas.

[10:57] And then yeah, after we went to like a place called Defy Gravity, and then after that, we went to food, and then after that, we got to come home. And let me tell you, Nate, being in a car with three 11 to 12-year-old boys was extremely weird. The hour-long drive was fine. Immediately they were like, Hey, can we listen to our radio station? Like, okay, I just had like classic 80s rock on or something like that. And they flipped it over to the Christian station, which like I'm fine with it. It's not my music of choice. I it's almost like the movies, I can guess the lyrics, like, let me guess, you're on your knees, giving yourself to God. Oh, yep, that's what he said. Oh, praise Jesus. Yeah, oh, you've become whole again.

[10:57] Like, I get it. Like, it's fine.

[12:29] So we had to listen to that the whole way. But then, like, their banter as kids was actually [expletive] hilarious because Corvin holds his own. Like, I was really surprised, but he does a good job holding his own.

[12:41] But after the drive, we finally made it to the location we were supposed to go, and the smell that was now inside my car from having three preteen boys in there, it was just gross. It was disgusting. I don't know what it was. I don't know if one of them farted or all three of them farted, or just the smell of them because like they're getting that age where they're starting to stink, but they're not wearing deodorant. Either way, I was like, holy crap. I almost thought about leaving the windows down while we're inside this place. And then we get inside.

[13:16] Is this the truck? No, not the truck. Did you take uh Meg Megan's car?

[13:20] Yeah, I took Megan's car. Yeah, I wasn't gonna take the truck, they were gonna be crammed in there, it's gonna stink even more. And then there's no radio in my truck right now, and I'm not paying to fix that. The truck's paid off.

[13:28] I'm not putting any more money into it. So uh that would have been unbearable.

[13:34] But I almost thought about leaving the windows down while we're in there. And then we go inside, and I'm like, okay, cool. They're gonna go off and do their own thing. Uh, a couple of the other parents all sat down on some couches. I basically sat by myself because I don't know these people, and I can guarantee you I don't like these people. So I just played on my phone the whole time. And then I'm like, geez, we've been here for an hour. Like, how long is this field trip gonna last? You know, like, oh, we're here till 11:45. I look at my watch, and it is only like 10 o'clock. And I'm like, what the [expletive] happened? Like, how long are we gonna be here, man?

[13:34] Like, these kids are getting tired and they're jumping around, and I know they're not wearing [expletive] deodorant, and they are gonna stink even more once we get into this car. And of course, that's exactly what happened. And the food choice of place, we leave there, uneventful. It was fine. All the kids had fun, but here they are, smelling the high heaven, getting in my car. We leave. Okay, where's the food place we're going to? Oh, In and Out Burger. I'm like, oh Jesus, really. And they're like, hey, don't say Jesus.

[14:39] And I'm like, okay, sorry.

[14:43] So we go get greasy uh fast food, and then so now this is they're eating this and it's getting clogged into their pores, and now they're smelling like hot beef and cheese and on top of their BO.

[14:53] And they're just little kids, you know, but like, come on, man. And then the hour-long car ride back home, and it was an adventure, it was fun. I had fun, but there were some things I wouldn't have might mind it changing. Like I should have brought [expletive] Fabrizio for sure.

[15:15] You told me you're gonna talk about Shepherd and your kids' field trip, and of course, not the direction I thought this would go. You almost didn't even say what Defying Gravity was. We almost had no clue what the field trip was at all. We just spent the entire time talking about whether or not your children and his friends were deodorant and their pores smelling like Brecker and Cheese.

[15:36] It was a trampoline park, so they were jumping.

[15:39] What kind of field trip is that? Like, uh, I never had cool field trips like that ever.

[15:44] In my middle school, we went to like the ocean spray factory where they made [expletive] cranberry juice and we didn't even get any tester samples. I'm like, what the [expletive] jip is this? You know, and they're like, Well, we were gonna go to the chocolate factory, but they're closed on the Wednesday that we wanted to. I'm like, then let's go on Thursday. Like, I understand I'm only a middle schooler, but you think I would rather go to the ocean spray [expletive] factory than the chocolate factory? Like, are you kidding me? And now you're telling me that chocolate factory was a [expletive] option, and here we are learning how they harvest cranberries.

[15:44] Like, I don't give two [expletive] about them sitting out in a pool of water with floating cranberries all over the place to make me a delicious drink. I don't give a crap about that. You said there might be chocolate, and there was no [expletive] chocolate. And mind you, Nate, I was overweight at this age. So picture a fat Nate, very upset that he didn't get to go to the chocolate factory. But you talk about upsetting, and then now these kids nowadays are gonna go to a trampoline park. How much fun is that? Back in my day, school was not fun, and they made sure the field trips were equally not as fun.

[16:51] No, exactly, Nate. So, all right, a bit of an aside here, but did you watch Wednesday Adams on Netflix? Oh, yes, I loved it, by the way. So I was watching with my partner who's uh immigrant from Mexico, and so sometimes I ask him, like, oh, did you have this growing up? Because like maybe you didn't in your culture. And so, you know, like the episode where like she's working at the pilgrim theme park. I'm from New England where the Mayflower actually landed. We have those parks. I've been on that field trip. That whole like thing was pretty spot on accurate of what it's like. Like you go there and they're like, you want to like learn how to make stuff in the mud?

[16:51] And like, no, it's the same thing, like not half as entertaining as the story you just told, but people would like act as the pilgrims, but like, guess what? Pilgrims weren't very happy people, right? So they would just tell stories about how hard their life was. And I'm like, you're just bringing me down, man. Like, I already read about this. Now I'm just watching it happen in you know in real time, and it's not it's not helping, it's not making it any better.

[17:46] And they're like, you know what would make it better? How about we go churn some butter? Yeah, be like, okay, I'll just do manual labor for you. That sounds like a great time.

[17:54] Yeah, exactly. And then and then you're over here telling me, like, wow, the field trip went till noon. Do you know, like, if you went on a field trip when I was in school, you're gonna be there 10 hours all day. Like, all day. Like, it doesn't matter if the Plymouth Plantation, by the way, oh, they changed the name, by the way. I was trying to look up the website, it used to be called Plymouth Plantation, but it has the word plantation, and I'm guessing in 2023, that's a no-no. So I could not find the website. I'm like, I know this [expletive] place exists, like that be, like I didn't imagine this in my head. So I finally found it. I'm like, oh, they changed the name because they thought it was racist.

[17:54] And it was racist in terms of plantation. Who would have thought?

[18:31] But let's just change the words of everything and that'll make it all better.

[18:34] But like that was maybe an hour and a half of activities, but you can [expletive] bet we were there six hours, Nate, and then it was an hour and a half drive up and back.

[18:42] Oh, yeah. Like if your parents took you there and you weren't in a school field trip, you would go there and be like, Well, this is it. You ready to go back? And everybody'd be like, Yep, let's go back. Yeah.

[18:53] I'm I'm a little jealous that your kids get to go to defy gravity. Was there any did they even try to justify? Did they teach them physics or anything? Oh no, it was just for fun. Yeah, okay. Yep. I mean, I guess if you go to Christian school, you gotta have a couple of those.

[19:05] You gotta have a couple fun days.

[19:06] All right, Nate. I got one more like hot topic, and I think this is gonna get fiery, but I I've been meaning to have this conversation with you. All right, so what are your thoughts on the HBO Max Scooby-Doo animated television show?

[19:21] All right, Nate. I know you're gonna ask this.

[19:23] Tell me how you feel.

[19:24] I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you. I refuse to watch it. Not because of all of the politically correct changes that have been made, but because changes have been made. The show was Scooby-Doo, and I understand you want to make it about a new character, but to completely eliminate the main character of the show that completely took it out for me. And I don't care if you want to bend races or genders or sexuality or whatever, you know what? [expletive] do whatever you want. But to take out the main character of the show, that's what really irked me. And then now, on top of all the other changes they made, at this point, why not make a new show? Like your Mindy, whatever your [expletive] name is, make a new show.

[19:24] People will watch it. Nick Kroll made that one show about puberty, and it's [expletive] hilarious. Didn't copy off anything, and it's a good show. Like you could make your own show. Like, why do you have to take existing characters and then try to alter them and cut off so much [expletive] and then try to make it like, oh, now it's hip and fresh. Like, no, it's total garbage. You should have just made something totally new, and then there wouldn't be all this drama and backlash behind it. What did I equate it to when I told you earlier? It'd be like having Buffy the Vampire Slayer without Buffy, and then all the extra characters are just doing their own thing.

[20:46] Okay, yeah, I I hear you, and I completely disagree for the most part. First question is I know the show is called Scooby-Doo, but you actually think the dog is the main character?

[20:57] Oh, absolutely. Without the dog, he doesn't talk. Yeah, oh, he totally talks. Well, he says I'm bragging and raggedy and he's yeah, he has a catchphrase.

[21:05] Of course you like him, Nate. He says catchphrases, he's just like you. He smiles at the camera too sometimes, I bet, and laughs at his own jokes.

[21:11] He does, he goes, hee hee, or whatever his [expletive] voice is. It's hilarious. He is much needed in the show. Like, would kids back then, when the show first came out, have watched the show if it was just a tea bunch of teenagers solving mysteries?

[21:24] No. So, Nate, you just pointed out like you're mad that it didn't like stay true to its like original IP, but you just said nobody would watch it if not for the dog. So then they took the dog out, gave it a reason to watch the students and shift the focus on the actual other characters, and you're like, no. Yeah, not for me. I need the dog. Like, here's something wildly crazy, Nate. But what if you were not the audience for that show?

[21:52] I am not the target demographic. Yeah, like the show.

[21:55] I think that's just the case. You know, like the humor that comes from it is I'm I'm guessing you didn't watch like Broad City on Comedy Central, right? Correct. You are correct. Yeah, right. Like two chicks who like get high all the time, like, yeah, not your demographic. No. I think this was like, unfortunately, for most of the white males on the internet, this was not made. For you. Sorry about it. It's actually, I think, already renewed for season two, so it got enough viewership from the people they wanted to target. I just don't, I guess I I I maybe I'm a little uh triggered, Nate. I don't know, but it's like, why are people review bombing things they don't like? Like, just let people enjoy. Like, I don't like sports, Nate.

[21:55] Do I think people who watch sports is stupid? No, I just don't watch them. Step away from the Reddit and go live your life. Go live your life. Maybe get laid. And you know, just some of that. That that's so that's that's where I stand, Nate.

[22:49] No, I can agree with that. Like, I had no intention of watching the show, but I'm not gonna go out on the street and picket against it. Like, because I don't care that much about it. And obviously, I'm not the target audience. But you brought up a good point. I actually had this conversation with somebody before on my lunch breaks when I lived in Tucson. I would sit there and watch people play Apex Legends or other kind of video games, and they're like, Oh, what are you doing? You're watching people play games, and I'm like, Yeah, they're like, Oh, that's so [expletive] nerdy. I'm like, you sit at home every Sunday and watch people play a game called football. Like, that's it's the same thing. No, it's totally different.

[23:26] And you could actually play the game you're watching people play, they could not participate in the sport correctly at the level that they're like trying to play.

[23:32] Correct. And like, and you love it so much that you've created a fantasy league where you draft these players and then pretend that they're playing on your team. Like, who's really living in the fantasy world here, you know?

[23:48] I bet that happens a lot, Nate, because you're like you come off as like a jock, and like based on like your kind of white-collar job and other stuff, I'm sure you you give like jock vibes, and then when you turn out to actually be like kind of a nerd and like picky about deodorant, like yeah, it must totally confuse.

[24:04] Oh yeah, they don't know what to think of me. They're like, Oh, you're a lineman, and be like, Yeah, but I also play DD, but I also do jujitsu, but I also play video games. So I'm an enigma. Exactly.

[24:17] Well, Nate, we're 45 minutes in and we've yet to even start the episode. That's probably why only people actually that you know, there's probably two types of listeners, right? There's probably people who like the intro and hate the Daph Monks campaign, and then there's probably people who hate uh the the banter and only like skip to the the Daph Monks.

[24:37] But that was our thinking going into this season two, is that we're gonna split it. Like you're gonna get the banter, and then you're gonna get serious campaign series going on. So uh for those of you that are new, this is our thing. Our previous episodes, if you skipped to season two of the Daft Monks podcast, uh before we would have some episodes where it's just nothing but banter. Great episodes, but us just randomly talking [expletive]. And then other times we'd actually do funny different things. So this is the the culmination of all of that. You're getting 50-50.

[25:12] Hopefully, it's a reason to come back, right? Because the banter can happen any week. You can miss it, you can go back next week, no big deal, right? But like if you miss an episode of Daft Monks, like what did Van Helsing do last time? Did he completely change the lore for the entire campaign like you did last week? Probably you don't know. You have to you have to listen to the episode because Nate might have retconned a bunch of stuff really quickly when I let him do one episode.

[25:32] And then do I have to spend six hours fixing things to make sure that they line up in a timeline for a possibly future episode? Yes, and I did that.

[25:41] Yeah, no, real talk listeners. Like we we talked about this. We mostly pretty much improv the story. We have like just an idea for the episode. But after last episode, I was like, hey Nate, can we just sync real quick on what's going on? Because I don't think we were in the like we're thinking it was going just some of the backstories like didn't totally line up.

[25:59] But it will.

[26:00] It will. I think yes, I think we we did some serious plastic reconstructive surgery, and uh it might mostly make sense at the funny thing about the past, Nate, is uh we haven't made it yet.

[26:14] So we can change it at will to match whatever I [expletive] made up earlier. Powerful. That's power right there. Time wizard.

[26:22] Alright, let's cue the intro music. Intro. The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our odds are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.

[26:45] I wouldn't quite say lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not, for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you. Last time on D-Hunters, I, Abraham Van Helsing, was in a an attempt to try to flee from the grasp of Bingo, my nemesist slash once friend, slash swami teacher. And then Bingo caught wind, and then he gave my bed to three hyenas. That was probably the highlight of the episode. The hyenas stealing my bed and pooping in my boots. And then I met some friends at a brothel, and there was a lady that was part of the White Russian group, whatever they were called. There are a bunch of dames, a bunch of ladies out there wearing leather and dominatrix type stuff.

[26:45] It's very off-putting and hard for me to walk around and the pleats of my pants and stuff. And then I met a friend, and then uh we all ganged up. I threw some what I thought was a dead body out of a window and actually took extra time to push it out the window. But that was all fun. But then bingo was on top of it. And then we made it to the headquarters. And at the headquarters, we were having some talks, you know, and the ladies were talking to me, of course, like always. And they were maybe thinking about doing stuff with me, like as a big group or something like that. Possibly totally, it was gonna happen.

[26:45] And then we were interrupted by the ghost of that man who couldn't even please his wife, Victor Belmont, and like he's always [expletive] blocking me, you know, always ruining my mood. And then he proceeded to do that, and I was like, nah, I'm out of here. Like, I don't have time for this. So, me and my friend, whatever her name was, I forget. And then we left, and then that's where we are left off. That's not how it happened. That's totally how it happened.

[28:28] All right, yeah, that about covers it. So, just uh recap. So, as we were exiting the cave, the hideout of the Soviet sisters, it seemed to have started to kind of cave in. We have no idea how many of the 400 Soviet sisters made it out alive, if any, but you and Ginger. Ginger. It's actually Greta, but I'm pretty sure you're not gonna call her that ging. Probably call her ging. You and ginge escape, you, you know, of course, being in a safari suit that is somewhat soiled from your activity. And you are now trying, you you vowed to go find Belmont, and that is where we're picking up today. Beautiful. Then El Singh, we gotta get back to Grocerberger. If we're gonna go find Belmont, we're gonna need wheels or hoofs or something.

[29:10] I don't know, Ginge. I I spent so much time fleeing Grocerburger for Grocerberger. I don't know if I want to go back, but if it is wheels you need, I know for a fact Bingo hides a getaway wagon in one of his extra special locations. We could sneak in, undercover, and steal this wagon. I'm very familiar with this wagon.

[29:32] Ooh, that sounds good, Dal, but does it got horses? Because I ain't pulling that carriage.

[29:36] Aw, then I guess I'll put this carrot back in my pocket. Um yes, I'm sure there's horses around. Guess you won't be needing this bag of oats either.

[29:46] Let's make our way back in town very stealthily. Look at me in the ice, look at me. Stealthily. Do not make a scene, okay? We'll make it back to the hideout, we'll hijack the wagon, and we'll make a run for it and try to catch up with uh what's his name? Belgarde?

[30:02] Belmont, my best friend.

[30:04] Yes, Belmont. We'll go find my we'll go find your friend. You can introduce him to your new girl boy, toy. Girl toy.

[30:10] Sure. But if anybody needs to roll a stealth check, I think it's you with that heavy breathing ginge. No offense or anything. I understand that heavy set women, you know, breathe heavily. Let's just go.

[30:23] And she wheezes. Okay. So you guys weren't that far out as you approach the sewers, like a like a fresh flow of waste and [expletive] and like feces come out, and you're like, uh, I don't know if I'm up for that, doll. Uh maybe we should uh sneak, you know, through the back roads of Grocer Burger, Hurger Burger.

[30:44] I'm fine with that. I don't want to wade through all that in my nice new safari outfit. It's shorts, you know, and they're above the kneecap shorts, which is very trendy right now.

[30:54] Are you wearing my safari outfit? I think I just realized that that's mine. No, I found it. Find us keepers. I've done some dirty, dirty things in that safari outfit, Van Helsing.

[31:04] No, you haven't, ging. Nobody's having relations with you and paying money for it. You don't have to lie to me.

[31:11] I meant eating in bed, but okay.

[31:14] I wasn't gonna say anything, but I found this old pepperoni stick in the pocket. I was gonna save that for later.

[31:21] So as you are kind of like sneaking about the back roads of town, it's very, very quiet in Grocer Burger. Like you've always ran into a convenient citizen who reminds you of what time it is or watches a giant, inflatable woman full of hyena [expletive] fall out of a window. There's always somebody walking the streets of Grocer Burger. It's a tough street, but it's very, very quiet. Very silent.

[31:43] It's very odd, Ginj. Usually there's some kind of random non-player character roaming these streets. What do you what do you make of this? Have you ever seen it this quiet here in Grocerburg Ship Girls Sugar?

[31:53] Uh I don't go out very much. Usually the guys come to me, if you know what I mean. But uh no, it's I can hear myself breathing. It's honestly it's that quiet. Something something's up, something's afoul, Van Helsing.

[32:05] Ging, if we're going to be friends, you need to stop lying to me. Men don't come and see you. Like, let's just stop with this facade. I got a really bad feeling.

[32:14] I don't know. Uh maybe the wagon's not a good idea, Van Helsing.

[32:17] It's our only way out of town, Gingj. And maybe your bad feeling is gas or something like that. I had it once. Just once, but uh man, it was a terrible feeling, Ging. Alright, I I trust you, Van Helsing. You make me feel safe. Ah, it's the safari outfit, but thank you.

[32:34] Okay, so you actually t we can both Ginger and Van Helsing make it to the hideout with almost encountering nobody.

[32:42] Alright, Ging. We've made it. The wagons inside as well as the horses. But just be aware that Bingo, you know him, the Swami, he has purchased three hyenas, and they are downright nasty animals, and they could be lurking anywhere about, cackling and pooping in boots, and sleeping on my bed. Those were nice sheets I got. Thousand thread count, Egyptian cotton.

[33:06] Van Hilsing, is that you? No Red So you guys make your way to the back. Van Hilsing remembers the uh the shed isn't like that far off from the property, and uh you go up to the shed and it has a lock on it.

[33:24] Oh, shucks. It looks like we're in luck. I remembered the combination though with a catchy jingle. Learner and row is the way to go. Call 8771500. That was the combo change, but that's neither here nor there, and a nice plug for a potential sponsor at some point in time.

[33:43] I was just gonna guess mummians, but alright. Uh you go inside and you see this very rustic looking. It looks very old, uh even older than the wagons that you would normally see, um, almost like it's from decades from prior. And it has this like faded logo on the side, and it says Leotz Ents.

[34:06] There you are, beautiful. It's been a long time since I've got to ride you. Here we are again. Let me double check. Alright. McNibbles, pocket, blindfold, check. Let's go, Ging. Saddle up that horse because I'm afraid of horses.

[34:23] Going so soon, Van Helsing. And the uh you see the door to the shed is open, and standing in its frame is Bingo and his three hyenas.

[34:34] Oh Bingo was his name, oh. It seems you've caught on. Ging, are you done with that horse yet? Hurry the [expletive] up. Um hey, I was just detailing the Latoots tents wagon. I know how much you care for it. Yeah.

[34:52] Don't lie to me. The jig is up. You are conspiring against me, are you not, Van Helsing?

[34:58] Conspiring's a long word that I really don't know how to spell. More like I want to get away from you because you're always gaslighting me and treating me terribly, and I've had it up to here with you, and you're a very mean person, and you got those hyenas and they slept in my bed.

[35:14] I'm sorry, Van Helsing, you're totally right. I I need to value you more and treat you like the partner that you are. We go way, way, way back, Van Helsing.

[35:25] Yes, further back than I can remember, and my memory's not that good lately or anything. Um you really mean it, like you you you want to be my friend again?

[35:34] I never stopped being your friend, Van Helsing. When I found you you couldn't even remember your name. I took you in. I showed you our life, and it was a questionable life filled with opportunity and and seizing what is ours. But it was a good life, Van Helsing. You don't want to have that life again?

[35:51] Well, it would be nice to go back to living the good life and having a posse that follows me around and cheers me on. But no, my friend is Belmont, and I will stick with him through thick and thin, and you can never turn away from evil Bingo. Look at you. You look like Darth Sidious and [expletive]. You look like caverns and butt cheeks all on your face. You're disgusting. Look at you.

[36:15] Oh, well, you don't have to attack my physical appearance. If you want to go, Van Helsing, you can go. And he steps aside and the three hyenas don't. But then he's like, dragging them over. He like drags it over. He's like, See? The way is yours. If you love someone, you'll let them go.

[36:35] Hmm, I see. Well, as much as I don't trust you, it looks like uh this is the only way out, and Ginge finally got that [expletive] horse ready. Like, how long does it seriously take, Ginge?

[36:48] Oh god, alright. Oh Jesus, I there was like two donkeys and then just one gigantic horse, and I didn't know what to do, honestly. I just I just honestly started eating its carrots, and then it got a little curious, and so it just kept eating the carrots and walking here. And who's uh is that bingo? Ginge.

[37:05] What did I say about not lying to me? You saw a donkey and didn't know what to do. You are famous for your donkey performances. Tell me the no, you know what? Don't tell me the truth, ging. I'll leave it to my imagination. Let's just go. You still uh you still have a little bit of carrot on your mustache there. Let me let me brush that for you. Okay. We're gonna go, bingo. Yes, that's bingo, by the way, ging. We're gonna go into the night. I'll see you never again, hopefully. Just remember, Van Helsing, you can always come back. That's very menacing, but okay, thank you. Bye.

[37:42] So who is alright, so you have one horse hooked up to the wagon. Who is driving you or Ginger?

[37:48] I'm gonna say that I hopped on and immediately put on my blindfold and tried to grab the reins, but then Ging looked over at me and was like, uh no. And she just took them and made a little like click click.

[37:59] Uh duh, why don't you keep out in case you see your friend Belmont and uh maybe I'll I'll I'll drive if that's okay.

[38:04] Good idea, Ging. You know, it takes a master behind the reins of one of these bad boys to be blindfolded, which is really the only way I know how to operate it.

[38:14] Hecha! And uh like horse starts going, and as you walk by, you see uh Bingo just smiling at you.

[38:22] Look at that [expletive]. God, he's so evil. He's smiling, but he he has a look on his face like he doesn't know how to smile, you know? Like he's just like pushing his cheek muscles up, and it's it's not a real smile. Look at him. Oh, it's disgusting. I know McNibbles, calm down.

[38:38] As you're driving, so not driving, as you're riding, what's the correct word for wagoning? I think you drive a wagon. Do you drive? Okay. Well, say Bingo's hideout is in the like real center of town. So you are at like the heart of Grocer Burger Herburger. And like everybody in Grocer Burger Herburger, you're not super well acquainted with the streets. So you think you're going in a direction that's leaving, but regardless, it's taking you a little bit longer than you thought it would. And suddenly you hear uh from somewhere up above Attention van Helsing. You, by decree of Bingo, shall remain prisoner here of Greshaburger. Please immediately exit the wagon and hand yourself over to the turnbuckle tetties or face your doom.

[39:25] Honestly, Jinch, he could be talking about anybody. I think we should just keep going.

[39:30] I'm talking to Abraham Timothy Van Helsing riding the Latut's tent wagon with two eye patches over his eyes, and the donkey chick, who is famous in Grocer Burger.

[39:41] Alright, that's extremely specific. Attention, turnbuckle teddies. We shall not be doing that. But if you could give us directions to the quickest way out of town, we would greatly appreciate that. Turnbuckle teddies, assemble. Oh, ginge, they're assembling.

[40:00] As soon as you hear that, let's just say you're at like an intersection and you see like coming in like every direction multiple wagons. It doesn't even make sense, Nate. It's like you got guys in chariots, you got guys in wagons, you got guys on top of wagons, and they are all riding straight towards you.

[40:20] Oh no. Um, okay, Ginj. Plan B. I purchased this vial from an elderly alchemist. Let's see if it does something. And then he squirts it into the butt of the donkey. Hopefully it's adrenaline.

[40:36] Um, it turns out that you just impregnated it. Wow. That's all. That's all you did. Yeah.

[40:42] If only it was that easy for you, eh, Ginge? You could get out of this life and start off. That's neither here nor there, Ging. That's it.

[40:50] Did you hear that?

[40:51] Yes, they're assembling and they're upon us.

[40:53] No, did you check the wagon before we left?

[40:55] No, I did not look inside the cargo area. I guess I could now, but I have these blindfolds on.

[41:01] She like takes one of those off and like, go check the back. I'm hearing something. Alright. I turn around and I look. Hang on tight. And she like does some kind of like whip maneuver that like turns the horse 90 degrees and goes down some like random alley.

[41:17] Careful, you animal. That donkey's pregnant. Have you no shame, ginj?

[41:25] Uh, so how are you? So I'm imagining like you both were like riding in the front of the wagon, and now uh you have to navigate over. I mean, the wagon only opens from the back, right? That's how wagons work.

[41:36] Yeah, for the most part. Yeah. I'm going to try an mission impossible and climb on the top side of the wagon, and then I'm sure my balance will give up at some point, so I'll fall on my belly and just try to work my way crawling to the back of the wagon.

[41:54] I'm gonna say, I'm gonna alter that a little bit. I'm gonna say we like ride over a bump and you fall. And at first you like land, you're like, you're like, oh, thank god I didn't fall. And then you immediately fall through the roof of the wagon and into the center. And as you lift up your head, you're like, oh god, that like brush yourself off. You see uh three turnbuckle teddies. Inside the wagon, inside the wagon, they were waiting for you.

[42:19] Oh I've been in situations like this before, with three greased up men looking to pin me down and have a good time, but not today. Not if my name is Abraham Timothy Van Helsing.

[42:32] Oh, brother, your name is Abraham Tizzy Van Helsing, and today, today, today, we're going to wrestle.

[42:40] I would rather not. McNibbles attack position.

[42:44] One of the turnbuckle teddies is immediately going to lunge you.

[42:49] Alright, this is it, Van Helsing. Time to show him your maneuvers.

[42:53] Now, I will immediately As you're doing that, he grabs you by the throat and just like lifts you up.

[42:58] You son of a [expletive]! Oh, good thing in my pocket I have sand. Just pocket sands him. Ugh, brother, where'd you get that sand? Uh, my eyes. Yes, now you are blind. Now to the next two. And then this really hurts. Oh, God. I know. Shut up and let me think. It's my turn. I'm gonna be like everybody else who plays DD and take 20 minutes on my [expletive] turn, even though it's supposed to be six seconds. Now, McNibbles. Uh [expletive] [expletive] it. I throw McNibbles.

[43:30] McNibbles is uh way more provision than you are, and so he does like a little like [expletive] like roll in the air and then lands on that guy's throat and just immediately starts like scratching. Yes, and the guy's like and then like stumbles backwards and trips on like a barrow in the wagon and then falls out of the wagon. So that guy is completely out of the wagon.

[43:49] Now it looks like it's one-on-one, slimy man.

[43:53] The other guy's still like, oh my god, why did I wear contacts today? Oh god, it burns.

[43:58] Shut up, I'm trying to fight.

[44:01] Well, brother, it looks like it's mono e mono.

[44:06] That's exactly how I like to fight. Now put up your hands, and I will put up my hands, and then I will suck a bunch.

[44:13] Uh yeah, you take Him by surprise and uh he like bends down, he's like, Ugh, and then he starts laughing. Like, ha ha ha ha ha and he like stands back up, he's like, I didn't even feel that. And then he gets really close to your face, he's like, I [expletive] men like you in jail.

[44:28] Oh, you did? Like, how was that? Like, did you enjoy it? Like, should we sit down and it was really consoling, actually.

[44:36] I uh it really helped me kind of calm my emotions and realize, you know, repent for what I had done. I think I'm good friends with the guys now, you know.

[44:43] Yes, I could see that. I if you want to sit down and have a chat about this, I can make some tea or something and you know, whip something up. You know, we don't have to fight, you know, and then sucker push. Sucker push.

[44:54] Yeah, uh, I'll say you take him by surprise. He pushes like, oh no, and he falls out of the wagon. And uh now it's just the guy like complaining on the ground, like, it burns, it's so bad.

[45:05] Please just don't hurt me. I just I just started yesterday. I don't even have a belt.

[45:10] Oh my bad. That was supposed to be sand that I threw at you, and that was not sand.

[45:15] What it's sharp glass. Why do you have broken glass in your pocket?

[45:19] So there was a vial that was actually supposed to go to the donkey, and I mixed him up.

[45:25] He like looks up at you and he's like blood like like coming down from his eyes.

[45:30] That looks like something out of Hellraiser.

[45:33] I can't see. I can't please.

[45:36] Okay, okay, take my arm and I will guide you to safety. And then I guide him to the back of the cart and just let him walk off.

[45:45] Alright, you are you are cleared. Uh McNibbles, thankfully, uh which one was he attacking? Oh, he was attacking that first guy or one of the guys. Anywho, McNibbles quickly, after like, you know, nibbling some guy's neck, he like hopped off and uh have returns to your shoulder.

[46:01] Yes, good job, McNibbles. We have trained well. Now, let us see what is in this cart. Are you asking me what is in this cart? Yes.

[46:10] In this cart, you find a lot of hay, a pitchfork, some feces from some kind of maybe hyena who was sleeping in here.

[46:22] Son of a [expletive]!

[46:24] One of your boots chewed up. Ah, of course. There is a barrel that is currently closed, so you don't know what's inside of it. And you get to decide the last thing.

[46:35] We'll get to that when I imagination pulls it.

[46:38] When I conveniently need it.

[46:40] Yes. A plot device, some might call it. So as of right now, I will take the pitchfork and I will convert this caravan into a convertible. That way I can see what is going on while Ginge is at the reins.

[46:55] That doesn't happen, and instead you I'm gonna say you push the barrel over and climb back onto the roof, like use the barrel to climb back up anywhere on the roof of the wagon.

[47:05] Okay, with pitchfork in hand.

[47:08] Fenison, you okay back there?

[47:10] Yes, I just easily thwarted three of the turnbuckle teddies. They were no match for me or Nick Nibbles.

[47:17] Were they sick?

[47:19] One was new, and the other two maybe had coronavirus. I don't know. It's a new thing. These things happen. It happens. But they're dispatched. The wagon is clear, there's nothing back there but hay, and eventually a plot device later.

[47:35] Then I was like, Duck! You you do duck in time and you look over, and there's some guy with like, I don't want to call it a slingshot.

[47:43] What the what how cheap of a move is that? You can't even afford throwing blades and actually throw knives at me or hatchets or something menacing, like you're hitting me with rocks. That's insulting to me. I am Abraham Timothy Van Helsing, Monster Slayer Extraordinaire. I have well, there's at least a couple monsters I've killed, but still.

[48:02] Who are you talking to, Van Helsing?

[48:04] Myself and McNibbles. Duck Dom!

[48:08] Uh so this time you go like through like a little like tunnel, I don't know, something. And so like, kinda imagine like those like scenes where you like go through like the train area like and the mountain pass and you have to like get low. So you're in one of those, and then uh behind you is another wagon, and it's actually making it has like two horses. So it's like actually coming in your way with like two teddies like crawling really low, like coming towards you.

[48:30] Oh my god, okay. I duck back down into the wagon and I start pushing the barrel out the back. Uh first of all, open up the little cork top and smell inside. What's what am I smelling in there?

[48:44] Yeah, we're gonna say it's uh like wine.

[48:48] It's fine. Hmm, just wine, huh? Well, I'm gonna go ahead and take a swig first, because this is very stressful, and then I will push it out of the back of our wagon and hopefully thwart our chasers.

[49:00] Sadly, uh you push it out, the barrel rolls, and uh one of the horses starts to like jump, but the other one is a little slower on the uptake, and like it like snaps its legs, collapses down, the whole like wagon like tips over, and you just hear like and like the teddies like totally fall over and you uh make it out of the tunnel, and those guys are left behind. Five teddies down.

[49:22] Oh, good 'em.

[49:23] Okay, so as you're driving through the city, you look up on the rooftops, and there are just like every like little like top of every little like cottage or house or whatever is another teddy, and they're gonna just start like one by one jumping. So the first one jumps and he like grabs onto the edge. He doesn't fully make it on, he's like holding on to the top of the wagon.

[49:40] He's like, Oh brother, help me up. Alright, you asked politely. I guess I could wait a second. What what side are you on? Are you just a a random Herschelberger or are you a teddy? Like we're having this conversation while the wagon's going at a high speed.

[49:54] He doesn't answer you, and instead he like lifts up his arm to do like the 80s like hand grasp thing. Oh, [expletive] yeah, here we go. Bam! And so you like you like shake his hand and pull him up.

[50:04] Yeah. I couldn't say no to that.

[50:06] Uh, brother, you fell for it.

[50:08] Ah, the old 80s high five trick. It gets me every time.

[50:12] He's going to uh take you off guard like while still holding your hand. He does some kind of maneuver to like push you down on the roof of the wagon. He's a short guy, uh, maybe a foot and a half shorter than you. Oh no, my worst enemy. And he's going to lay down on you. And he's like, Mother's milk, brother.

[50:27] No, get your dirty [expletive] out of my mouth.

[50:30] Except it sounds like El thing, you okay back there?

[50:39] Okay, hold on. And she like leans over to the horse and she's like, I'll give you extra carrots and that bag of oats I have in the back if you keep running fast, okay, horsey. That that was actually her. Uh but the the horse goes a little faster, and then she's like, I'm coming, Van Helsing, and she starts to climb um incredibly slowly towards the top of the wagon.

[51:03] Take it out. Oh, brother. A couple more seconds and you'll run out of air.

[51:10] It's uh Tails of his time, ancient jujitsu technique. Ginger gets on the roof and she's like, I got you, Van Helsing. And then she, so he's laying on top of you, she lays on top of him and does literally nothing.

[51:23] Sandwich!

[51:24] Yeah. So now you are just extra suffocated and like being crushed by two people. One very muscular and one very so much not.

[51:33] Alright, I'm gonna try with all my strength to push up some frames, and hopefully McNipples can come out and bite this man's [expletive].

[51:42] Perfect. Yeah, so you like you lift him up just a little bit to get his uh his chesticle out of your mouth, and McNipples bites him on the nip, uh, on the nipple, and he's like, ugh, and he like shifts, he like kind of rolls to the left, like try to roll off of you, and then that makes ginger start to roll to the other side, and so both of them kind of roll in different directions and grab onto and almost like fall off the wagon, grab on the edge, and now ginger is hanging from the side, and then the turnbuckle teddy is on the other side, and she's like, then I'll say help me! I'm losing my grip.

[52:15] All right, ging, hold on, and then I'm gonna try to first I'm gonna kick the turnbuckle teddy in the face, and then if he doesn't fall, whatever, and then I'm gonna go help ging. But my first idea was to kick him in the face.

[52:27] So you kick him and he doesn't fall off, but he lets go with one hand and is holding on with the other hand, and he's like, I got a hell of a grip and forearm strength, brother. And then uh you run over to Ginger, and uh you're gonna try to help her up.

[52:40] Yes. Ginge, you tried to save me. Oh my god, I should have won my back brace today if I knew I was gonna be lifting something so heavy.

[52:47] Come here, Ging. And uh, as you grab her, uh you like start pulling her up, and it's very, very slow. And in that time, the other turnbuckle teddy uh gets back on, gets on top of the wagon.

[52:57] Alright, Ginge, let's do what you do best and double team this guy. That one time me and you went down on that hoagie, double teamed it.

[53:06] Oh, I know it. I'm picking up what you put in.

[53:08] Yeah, pretend he's a sandwich, Ginge.

[53:11] Um, so she just like runs at him and bites his air. And he's like, uh, what kind of move is this?

[53:18] This is called the Buncha Crunch. And then I go low and I kick him in the shin.

[53:25] With a very Patrick Swayze-esque roadhouse sidekick.

[53:30] Perfect. You kick him in the shin, he collapses down onto the knee on that leg. Uh, as he comes down, uh Ginger bites off his ear, very Mike Tyson-like, and just starts chewing for some reason.

[53:42] Ginge, you don't you don't have to eat it, ginge.

[53:45] Sure. Ugh. Sorry about that. It was uh interesting texture, and uh I just kind of flashbacks to other times, but we're good now. We're good. Uh here, uh let's push this guy off.

[53:56] Alright, double team.

[53:58] Uh you both like both kick him in the face at the same time, and kapow! He flies off the wagon, and uh you guys at the moment are safe. Uh you do see there's another wagon coming up behind you, and then uh there are some in the road in front of you, some guys standing in the road up ahead. And uh they have some kind of like barrier thing. I don't know. Something something big and like kind of blockade y blocking you.

[54:25] Ginge, there's something up ahead. We need we need something to stop them. If we get through this, I'd kiss you. But god, you're so ugly. I I that's besides the point, ging. Let's find something to block the blockade to destroy it.

[54:41] We're not gonna make it. These horses this horsey's gotta jump at least like ten feet with a wagon attached to it if we're gonna have any chance.

[54:49] Is that possible? Can ho elongated cows do that kind of thing?

[54:54] Hmm, I'm gonna say yes.

[54:56] Alright, let's try it. Is there anything else I can do to help?

[55:00] No, not really. So uh you're looking around, it's looking dire. Um, it doesn't look like this horse is gonna be able to make the jump.

[55:08] And one of the donkeys is pregnant!

[55:12] And uh she's like, then I'll say, promise me you'll come back for me. Sure. And she just like does like she puts her arms out and like falls backwards, like off of the wagon, and like falls into like a pile of hay. And then with her weight off of the wagon, uh, the horse feels uh just compelled to jump over the barricade, freewilly style. Um, unfortunately, it like also somehow unhooked itself from the wagon, so the horse just jumps over, runs away. Uh, ginger's in like a pile of hay, and the wagon just like collides with the barrier and just stops.

[55:51] No! Alright. It was a nice try, ginger. I'll never forget your sacrifice that you attempted to make and failed at today.

[56:01] I really thought that was gonna work, babe. I'm sorry.

[56:04] It's alright. I've been there myself many a time. Um, let's try to Oh, I really want to keep the wagon. We need the wagon. I guess I'll hop out. Vanessa thing! Your time is come.

[56:16] You must report to Bingo immediately or face the consequences of the turnbuckle teddies! The other, so so far you've knocked out like six teddies or something, something like seven teddies, but like a good like thirty teddies are now like beginning to surround you.

[56:31] Damn this arbitrary number that somebody made up for the amount of teddies. Alright, it seems there's no choice. I will never turn myself in, and you can all [expletive] yourselves. Middle fingers everywhere. You get one, and you get one. I'm gonna move this barricade, and the donkey that is pregnant will take me to safety.

[56:53] So the guys are like crowding around you, and the leader, the guy who made the announcement earlier, he he's uh approaching you. He's like a one of the bigger turnbuckle teddies, he has one of the gold championship belts, uh maybe a platinum belt even. And uh he's like, I heard what you did to Brutus, and I will get your revenge. I will uh damage you just a little bit before returning you to bingo.

[57:19] I'm terrible with names. Can you like explain who this man is? Like describe him to me because I've defeated so many people.

[57:26] Brutus the brut. He was brutally tall, brutally strong, brutally handsome, and brutally in love with me.

[57:34] Oh, I see. Um I were really into eighties movies. Uh-huh. We would get really aggressive and masculine, but then also really homosexual, if you know what I mean.

[57:47] Yes, tale as old as time.

[57:48] But then we'd guilt people about it and get really angry and passive.

[57:52] Hmm, yes, also a tale as old as at least the eighties.

[57:55] Anyway, where am I going with this? There's no possible way you can get out of this, Van Hilseng. Not unless you invoke one of our sacred rites or something like that.

[58:04] I challenge you to a dance off.

[58:08] That's not one of our rituals, but what I will challenge you, Van Hittersing, is an arm wrestle. And he like turns his like baseball cap backwards.

[58:18] Awesome.

[58:19] And then he like takes one of the other turnbuckle teddies and like bends him over backwards as like a table. And then like just like literally like gets down, like puts his arm, rusts his arm on top of that teddy. And he's like, If you beat me, Van Helsing, then you can go free. And you can take your heifer with you. And the pregnant donkey.

[58:41] Good, because we were gonna start a family. She's pregnant. Alright.

[58:45] The donkey or the heifer?

[58:47] Nobody would make love to this lady, the donkey, obviously. Alright, I'm gonna grab the mystery item from the cart and kind of shove it in my lapels. I know what it is, but I will still surprise you, Nate, with it in a little bit. Okay. And slowly approach the arm wrestling bench that is actually a man configured to look like a bench.

[59:13] Ooh, I can do crunches for hours, brother.

[59:15] I bet you could. I did a crunch once. It was a candy bar. It was delicious.

[59:21] Alright, yeah, so you you s you like sit?

[59:26] Yeah, kind of get into like a squat position, I guess, based on how I'm picturing it in my mind.

[59:30] I mean, we could just we could bend over some more turnbuckle teddies as like chairs. They're just all like origamiing in the furniture.

[59:36] Yeah, like what was that uh cartoon where the wolves like, oh, it was the stork movie or whatever. Like the wolves can transform into furniture and [expletive]. So all the turnbuckle teddies bend and it makes like a little arena around us.

[59:48] It's called kelisthenics, bro.

[59:51] Alright, I've never heard of such a terrible thing. It sounds awful, but I am ready to arm wrestle you, muscle man.

[59:59] Alright, let's push this over the top.

[60:02] Shhhh. Share. So, we immediately get into position, and once we commence the start of the arm wrestling competition, I will go and grab the mystery item from inside my jacket. It is a lunchbox filled with pictures and mementos. And I'm gonna smack you in the face with it. And there's also a Nintendo power glove inside, so you know that [expletive]'s really [expletive] heavy.

[60:32] Oh, brother, that's some nostalgia right there.

[60:35] Yes, and it'd be a shame if I whacked you in the face with it.

[60:38] It doesn't matter though, he is holding your arm firm and steady, and he begins to like push your hand down in the direction of the losing uh surface.

[60:49] Alright. I wasn't expecting this. McNibbles, you know what to do. Take your time, be stealthy. I'm gonna fight with all my might. Ging! You might have to come over here and push my arm with me. I know it's cheating, but look at this guy, it's not fair. I'm just I'm plump, you know, ging.

[61:07] He uh as you're doing that, uh, he slams your arm down. Turnbuckle teddies go into an uproar and they start cheering for their leader, and he's like, Yeah, you suck, yeah, Brutus is avenged, yeah. And then Ginger walks over and she's like, double a nothing, pal. Oh wow.

[61:23] I want to say there's one uh person who's not part of the Turnbuckle Teddies in the crowd going, Yeah, come on, man! Yeah, come on!

[61:31] Are you watching the show?

[61:33] He has a huge backstory. Yeah.

[61:36] He will also get an origin story at some point.

[61:40] It's his power glove. Yeah, he's actually just really excited to get his lunchbox back. Yes. Um Ginch walks up, double or nothing. If I win, you let us free and you set our wagon back up and give us a horse. A real horse, not a pregnant donkey. Aww. And if you lose, then I will make sweet, sweet love to all of your men.

[62:05] Anything else?

[62:06] People start throwing up in the crap.

[62:10] I will um I will set you all up with a one-hour session with the Soviet sisters.

[62:16] Yeah, yeah, [expletive] yeah, brother! Yeah!

[62:22] I accept your bargain. Are you sure about this ginch? He's really tough. I mean, I couldn't take him, and I'm a man. A man's man. Not a not one of these big brawny 80s men, but still a man.

[62:33] Leave the heavy lifting to me, babe. And she like blows a kiss at you. Oh, I dodge it. Oh, okay. Uh so she turns around and takes his arm, and at the minute she like claps his hand and like squeezes, you see a bunch of like veins in her arm, and she's like, watching the advan Helsing. And she like and starts like pushing, and uh he's like, ha ha, I can't be defeated by oh my god, and it starts to like goes back a little bit. But then he like squeezes harder, and then he gets all these like Roy Veins in his arms, and he's pushing back. And this goes on for longer than Helsing would like it to go.

[63:12] Ooh, this is very uncomfortable. And who started playing that music in the background? Take it to the lemon, lemon, and no one's ever gonna bring you down. Like, seriously, where is that coming from?

[63:23] It's the one guy he's now just like singing and like dancing.

[63:28] Lemon.

[63:30] He's in like a crop top and like uh sweat, a headband.

[63:33] That's the straightest man I've ever seen in my life. He has like the leg warmers on him. Amazing. Um, alright. Uh I'm gonna start looking for a plan B. Alright, Ginj. I'm gonna do the unthinkable. I will promise you one date if you can summon up all of your strength and squash this turnbuckle teddy into the ground. Two dates. Alright. One date with hand holding and a potential kiss at the end.

[64:06] And uh, you're gonna feed me my favorite meal.

[64:10] Yes, ham hocks. I will tie them on a string like you like, and d gently nizzle them down to you, I promise.

[64:20] And she like finally, after like four minutes of them going back and forth, pushes it down with such force. Remember that they're on top of a turnbuckle teddy that it like caves in the guy's head, and then the other guy falls over. He's like, That's not it's not possible. I I can't be defeated by any man. And she's like, I'm no man. And then you're like, You are a woman, right?

[64:43] Yeah, Ginge. You're not tricking me, are you? I don't do that kind of man-on-man date stuff. As prevalent as it is with the turnbuckle teddies, obviously, I don't swing Wow, that guy is still singing up there. Lemon Ging, you did it. I'm so proud of you.

[65:01] If there's anything we respect more than muscle, brawn, and sheer intimidation of a Sri Lankan Swami, it's sticking true to your values and kicking ass.

[65:13] Yes, my thoughts exactly. Ginge, how how are you so strong? Is it all those Kegel exercises you've been doing? That was big in the eighties, I've heard.

[65:22] No, I'm not one of those Kegel elves, but I do like their cookies.

[65:24] Sure, that's what I said. Now, turnbuckle teddies, I believe the arrangement was you shall horse up our cart and we'll be on our way.

[65:33] And like they like quickly like clear like the blockade stuff out, and then one of them uh again bends over and they lift off like one of your wheels came off on the wagon when you collided into it, and they like lift almost like a jack, but the jack is the turnbuckle teddy, so they like put the like stub or the axle on his back, and then they immediately start repairing it. Well, Ginge, if you ever decide you want to be a turnbuckle teddy, and if I ever decide to stick with one accent, you have a place here in Groshaber. We'll keep Bingo at bay. Let's get out of here, Ging. You know, all I can think about was you and those hammocks and that very long, sensuous date that we're gonna have.

[66:09] I was thinking like a brunch or something, but those are details we can iron out later, I'm sure.

[66:15] Alright, you guys get back in the wagon, is all set up. They bring over one of the horses, and uh the guy's like, Before you go, what happened to the new guy that attacked you earlier on from he came in the trio with his friends? That was one of our trainees. He's uh really nice guy. Brand new.

[66:34] Oh, a terrible thing happened to him. You wouldn't believe it. He was inside the cart waiting for us, and I offered him a spirit, you know, and then he in an attempt to show his manliness, broke the glass over his own eyeballs and glass and blood everywhere, and then he accidentally fell out of the cart. I feel terribly bad for the boy.

[66:54] A tear comes out of his eyes. That's a teddy if I ever did know one. And then in the distance you hear, oh my god, my eye!

[67:00] I'll never see again. Take it to the limit.

[67:03] Limit.

[67:06] And we'll wrap it there. Yeah. Push it to the limit. Limit! Limit! Well, the day has come. We've finally united both Van Helsing and Trober Beaumont and Naya and Ginger. The question remains though, what happened to the pregnant donkey? And will she raise a family?

[67:24] My fingers crossed that yes, she will survive. Or knowing us, Dracula's minions probably got to it and devoured it, and we'll find that carcass on the road.

[67:35] Push it to the limit!

[67:37] Limit it.

[67:39] Thanks for listening. If this episode didn't completely put you off, feel free to share it on social media. Uh go ahead, check out we have all of our channels are uh just slash Nat1 Presents, and we have things to support us. Uh if you click the in Apple podcast, go ahead and click the link, episode link to support us for a recurring subscription of what I don't know, three dollars, whatever, some minimum payment that helps us pay for our software.

[68:05] And oh, and one more thing, Nate, before we go. We also now have interactables on our Spotify. So there are polls that you can take, or if you have questions or comments or concerns, feel free to let us know.

[68:18] Yeah, pretty wild. Spotify launched this new feature. So at the end of every episode, there'll be a poll um about some kind of question about the episode. And then there's just a an open reply to question. Um, and you can type whatever you want. You don't even really have to answer the question. You just say, like, hey Nate, uh, how's it going? Yeah. So go ahead, leave a comment. It'd be nice to get one, just just one, just one. And then we can publish it and people be like, Wow, people actually listen to the show. And we'll be like, Wow, we're not doing this to empty silence in the internet.

[68:48] And then we'll be like, Oh, it was just Donnie.

[68:52] All right. Thanks for listening, and we will catch you next week.

[68:56] Bye.