Sons Out, Guns Out
Edited audio transcript

Edited from an automatic transcription of the original recording. Strong language is masked; selected personal asides and adult material are marked [Editorial omission.]. Transcription errors may remain, especially in names and lyrics. Timestamps come from the source; paragraphs split for readability can share a timestamp. The original recording contains adult language and themes. Announcements and offers reflect the recording date.
Source: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1880667/episodes/12474462-sons-out-guns-out.mp3

[0:15] Hello and welcome to the Nat One Presents podcast of Daft Monks. Hey Nate. Hey, we're back. We are back. Back again. Tell a friend. It's been what one one week? Two weeks? Two weeks. Too long. It's my fault mostly. I've been super busy with kids and jujitsu tournaments. Very selfishly providing for your family.

[0:35] The nerve of me, really. Unbelievable. How uh how did the jujitsu tournament go?

[0:40] Oh, it wasn't bad. Right off the bat, I met my competitor, and he was no joke, a foot and a half shorter than me, but somehow we were the same weight. So his strategy was to lay on top of me. And it worked out very well for him. At one point, his boob was in my mouth, and it was the most disgusting Wait, what? Yeah, has ever happened to me in my life. Because he had like lady boobies, but he's a man, you know, and then like he's like trying to wrestle me and pin me on the ground, and his booby plopped right in my mouth because I'm trying to gasp for air because there's this big fat guy on top of me. It was okay.

[0:40] There was a couple of things that were a little off. Some of the rules. There was hardly actually any rules, but one of them was no slamming. And that was the first thing this guy did right off the get-go was slam my ass into the ground. So I kind of looked for a DQ, didn't happen. I was a little bit uh woozy from it because I landed on the my neck and head. And he proceeded to tap me out that round. The next round, I had to go against him again because it's technically a different division. So I was like, okay, I'm gonna take him out this time. I immediately changed my plan. I'm like, I'm not gonna let this fat dude lay on top of me.

[0:40] So I laid down and started doing some leg locks and like ankle holts and [expletive]. And no joke, Nate. The ref stops me in the middle of the [expletive] match. He's like, hey, you can't do that. And I'm like having a conversation with him while I'm fighting a guy, saying, Yes, man, I can. It's a wide open division. Go read the rules. And that was a joke on my part. But this [expletive] said, Okay, pause. And I am upside down, inverted, holding a footlock that's supposed to be a surprise move, by the way. And he's reading the rules. Yeah, he paused us. It's on the video for a whole minute. He leaves, and I am upside down on the ground holding this footlock.

[0:40] And the other guy was he was a uh for kicking my ass twice in a row. He was a good sport because he started laughing, and I was like, Hey, shut the [expletive] up, man. We're supposed to be paused. Can't talk when we're paused. He's like, What's going on? And I'm like, I don't [expletive] know, just be paused. So he came back and he's like, Oh yeah, you're right. I'm like, thanks. And then he's like, go. I'm like, go, okay.

[2:56] Go.

[2:57] Yeah, go. I'm like, oh, that was [expletive] great. So then after uh those two terrible situations, very unprofessional, I had uh finally one more match, and then I was like, I'm not gonna take any chances with this. So I immediately took him down and knee barred him, and the third match was probably only 30 seconds. But if I can tell you another funny story, Megan recorded my two losses perfectly. They are in frame, the camera doesn't shake. You can clearly see the pain and anguish on my face as I am getting beaten into the ground.

[2:57] And then for my actual win that was a beautifully placed knee bar, the camera is looking at Megan's face for a half of a second and then looks down at her feet for about one second and then cuts out. And there was it wasn't bad enough that I had to lose one match because I was dizzy. One match was super close and because of a referee penalty. But the match I did win, I could not even go back and watch because Megan was fighting with the kids and trying to record it. Oh, it broke my heart.

[4:04] So so she has like perfectly articulated on camera the booby in your mouth. Yes.

[4:09] Yep. And it's apparently it's actually a technique. They call it mother's milk, I guess. And I'm like, I've never heard of that in my life. And my coach was like, Oh, yeah, it's what they call it. I'm like, that's [expletive] disgusting. No, they don't. Who's that? Yes. I apparently in some jujitsu circles, Nate. Someone out there is putting [expletive] in mouths and they're calling it mother's milk. It's a legitimate move, I guess.

[4:31] What was that? No, I don't believe that.

[4:34] Is this so? Was this league in Perump this tournament? No, it was in uh Las Vegas.

[4:39] Okay, all right, because I was like, Perump [expletive] jujitsu is on a whole nother level. No, no.

[4:45] Uh Vegas is actually really big for jujitsu tournaments. So they have one at least once a month. UFC's out there and MMA is a big deal. So yeah, I was in Vegas.

[4:54] Do you think that because you had mentioned like it was kind of a weird league, right? It's like, oh, anyone this age, any weight, etc. etc. So do you think that was maybe the issue? Is like you were matched against like really bizarre because it sounds like the last match was like nothing. Right. And then the first match was a guy well above Oh no, he was the same weight as you. Same weight.

[5:17] Oh, yeah, no joke, Nate. I'll send you the picture later. Uh, I am standing, you know how a podium looks where first place is on top, and then I'm on second place spot, and I am still taller than him, even though we are standing on staggered podiums. And yeah, I think it was just a smaller tournament, and then I'm obviously a little rusty. I haven't competed in two years since the move, and then a little bit more.

[5:41] So bummer. Yeah. Well, Nate, uh, I hats off for you and trying. You didn't get injured. That's a win in my book.

[5:48] True that I am very excited I did not get injured. His armbar hurt though, and the [expletive] in the mouth really hurt my pride. But other than that, the mother's milk.

[5:56] Oh my god.

[5:57] So are you gonna do another one?

[5:59] Oh, yeah, I think so. Uh now I'm gonna start training for just the ghee this time because the last one was no gi, so it's more like wrestling kind of, but the ghe's a different animal. Is it? Does it make a difference? Oh, huge difference. You're gripped the whole time someone has like grips on you because they can grab your clothes. The one I just did, you're not allowed to grab clothes or anything, it's just [expletive] and mouth, apparently.

[6:20] I I do expect to see that video later.

[6:23] All right, yeah, I'll send it to you.

[6:25] Well, in other news, Nate, it is uh a good time for DD. A movie's coming out in about what, two-ish weeks, I think? The DD movie, The Dungeons and Dragons Honor Amongst Thieves.

[6:37] I'm excited for it.

[6:38] That clip of Speak to Dead spell was [expletive] hilarious. You did ruin it for me, though, because now every time I see the part with the owl bear, I just hear you like going on your rant.

[6:50] Yeah, what are they supposed to do? And then uh DD Beyond, I guess, with the movie, uh sent out their character sheets on what they're supposed to be. I didn't look at it because I it's not believable. I don't give a [expletive].

[7:01] No, all kinds of promotional stuff. Uh, our good friend Jack, he he was like brought into a movie theater and was like doing a gwip stunts in the theater in advance, like promoting it from like regal theaters or something. And he had a really cool, like giant D20 that was like themed for the movie. And I'm like, I want that D20.

[7:17] Yeah, how do we get our hands on that?

[7:18] What I was a little annoyed about, Nate, is a bunch of, you know, we're in the podcast circle, and there there's a lot of us at the amateur level that I would classify us at. And some of these shows who have I I would imagine less, even fewer listeners than us, they got invites to a movie premiere. And I'm like, they're not even that good, no offense. But but Nate, like, I did maybe mine got lost in the mail. Did you get an invite to the DD movie premiere?

[7:42] I did not get an email, and I'm probably missing it, much like my Hogwarts acceptance letter. Like, where the [expletive] is it? You know, I'm still waiting, and it just doesn't make any sense because you think DD, you think uh Nat One presents Daft Monks for sure, because as far as levels, those guys are amateur garbage, and we're at least semi-pro. At least semi-pro. At least semi-pro. We're funny.

[8:07] But Nate, so you know I have mixed feelings. I think Rotten Tomatoes is terrible. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, apparently this movie in 90% is what the critics have given it, which is pretty high for a movie based on a tabletop game.

[8:21] Oh, yeah, or anything, nerd culture in general. Usually they don't score us very high on the radar.

[8:26] I also believe the Mara movie is coming out soon, but I refuse to see that. Nate, I am so upset about Chris Pratt voicing Mario. I just will not pay to see that movie. It's not not gonna happen.

[8:36] Is it because he's not gonna have an Italian accent?

[8:38] It's because Chris Pratt sounds the same in every [expletive] movie he likes, like whether it's like the Lego movie or Jurassic Park or whatever, like it's just the same. He doesn't do voices, he just does Chris Pratt. And then there is a voice actor for Mario Nate. Like, you we know what he sounds like. He's alive, he didn't die. Right. Where the [expletive] is that guy? I don't know. I don't know, Nate, and I'm just not happy about it. But Jack Black sounds pretty great. I heard his voice for Bowser, and it's actually pretty good.

[9:02] Oh, yeah, and I've seen some clips on him wanting to channel his fiery aggression and why he thinks Bowser feels the way he does, and that was pretty funny. But yeah, talking about Chris Pratt, he totally ruined that one Lego movie because he sounded like the other guy, and then like twist ending, it was you the whole time, Emmett. Like, yeah, and we'll know [expletive] because they sound exactly the [expletive] same.

[9:23] I don't know, he ruins everything for me. I'm so over Chris Pratt, like 100%.

[9:27] I'm sorry, Nate.

[9:28] Nate, I want to talk to you, I want to change topics a little bit and talk about Magic the Gathering.

[9:33] Ooh, okay.

[9:34] What is your experience with magic?

[9:36] Magic is something that I've always seen people play, and I've seen the cards, and I've always wanted to get into it. But if I'm a hundred percent honest, it seems like a daunting task to try to dive down into that because you see these people making plays and [expletive]. Like, I'll watch videos online and I have no idea what's going on, but man, it intrigues me for sure. But I've never had the courage to actually say, Hey, can you teach me to play magic?

[10:01] 100%. Like, I had many opportunities to get in on this, this movement that has been around for a very long time. So, fun fact for a very short period of time when I was younger, I don't even remember it. But my dad owned a comic book shop. What very short period. But so he was in like clicking comic books, and he also had a bunch of magic cards. And this is a bit of an aside, but in college he gave me his magic cards and they were they were so old from like the first or second generation of magic. And I went to immediately being a poor college kid now who doesn't play magic, I went upon them. So I went to see how much they're worth.

[10:01] And it turns out, Nate, they weren't worth very much. Like, there's two things that can happen when you have really old [expletive]. It's like so old and valuable, you know, because of its like age and whatnot, and it's hard to find. Right. Or they printed a bunch of it and then like changed a bunch of the rules, and now it's not really valid anymore. And that's a lot of what my dad had. Like it ended up like they're like, oh wow, these are really old cards. They're terrible, and nobody wants them because they're not like, you know, the game evolved since then. Right, they're obsolete. Yeah, the only thing he had from my understanding that was valuable and that we kind of sold for some cash. My dad was actually cool.

[10:01] He he sold those before he gave me the rest of his cards, and he bought me Yu-Gi-Oh! cards because I wasn't a Yu-Gi-Oh back then. But he had dual lands, which I guess were like, you know, like you tap lands to get mana or mana, however you want to pronounce it. And I guess like land cards that have multiple types, maybe older ones were at least worth money or rare.

[11:24] Oh, okay.

[11:25] So he had a bunch of those that we sold. But anywho, magic has like always been around. Like my dad played it. Then I went to high school. My friends played it, and I'm like, no, I'm not into it. I'm poor. I can't afford this game. Then I went to a video game design college, and my college peers played it. Then I joined the Army National Guard, and they're still playing Magic. They are? Yes, yes, still. The last drill was at. We had to stay overnight, they didn't let us leave at night, and everybody and a bunch of people were playing Magic at night. But long story short, Nate, totally agree with you.

[11:25] It's always just felt daunting, like even just this last drill, like they're sitting, like four of them at you know, like this big table, and they have so much [expletive] going on on the table. Like it's all these cards, it's not just a bunch of cards, but they have like all these like tokens keeping track of like how many numbers, and a lot of these cards are like adding another stack of something or other. It looks daunting, right? What's challenging, really, you know, is that's just your deck, Nate. Like, like that literally every time you play more people, they have more cards, more decks, more themes.

[11:25] And it's like, so do you just have to keep learning all of that [expletive] to be competitive, or like can I enjoy it without knowing what anyone else is doing, like what their strategy or what their cards do? Right.

[12:28] If they're throwing out 26 different strategies and you only have your one little deck and only know how to play one way, man, that like that's not even fair. Oh, yeah.

[12:36] And then I think magic's one of those where you don't have a limit to your cards, like you can have a much bigger deck or something. I I think that's the case with magic. I like a lot of games I played, like Yu-Gi-Oh! There was like a limit. I think it was like 40 cards, was the match like if you look at some of their decks, they're like [expletive] bricks.

[12:55] Right. The game looks like it's fun, but it just looks too much. It does.

[13:00] Well, Nate, I think our fans, all 16 of them or however many, have been waiting to play some Dath Monks, or for us to play some Dathmunks.

[13:09] Oh, you think so?

[13:10] Because I got other things I want to talk about. Oh, do you? Oh [expletive]. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Well, all right then.

[13:15] For our courageous listeners of past episodes, you may have listened to our Highlander episode. Now, our Highlander episode was a deep, deep dive into the Highlander movie universe, where me and Nate made a startling discovery about 80 movies in general, that there is a certain gay guilt trip thing going on in there. You agree, Nate?

[13:41] Yeah, yeah. Like, I don't want to take too much away, but if you go back to the first season, you listen to a Highlander episode, we talk about that scene where he's like goes into like a police station and the guy is just dropping like F-bomb, like fag and all kinds of stuff. But I think what you're alluding to is no, I think all these movies kind of did some of this [expletive].

[14:00] That is exactly correct, Nate. I have been doing some discovering on my own, and I have watched two movies, both of which point in this direction. One of them was Roadhouse, starring Patrick Swayze, where there are a couple of lines, again, uh dudes being called bundles of sticks. And then one direct quote was I used to [expletive] guys like you in prison. And let me tell you, Nate, I was rather taken aback from this line because that is not something you tell somebody else when you're gonna beat them up. Like, hey, bro, I'm tougher than you, and I've banged dudes like you in jail. Like, okay. Super, super weird and off-putting. Plus, that whole movie Roadhouse was bananas.

[14:00] The cops should have been involved, like, 50 people end up dying, buildings get burned down, a monster truck runs over, a whole dealership. It's worth a watch if you haven't watched Roadhouse in a while. Patrick Swayze can rip people's throats out with just his fingers. It's bananas. But I didn't think anything of it really until I watched another 80s movie, and that was Commando starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, the main or one of the main antagonists was somebody that was on his squad when they were overseas. And this man, I actually sent you the picture, Nate, his attire is like a chain male vest shirt that he's wearing with a leather vest over the top of that, showing off his sweet guns and his Freddie Mercury-esque mustache.

[14:00] Now, this was supposed to be like a tough guy in the 80s, but to me, he is screaming gay nightclub in the the 80s. Like that is the vibe I'm getting from it.

[15:46–16:36] [Editorial omission.]

[16:36] I think it was all the cocaine they were on. So they weren't sleeping at all, and they're like, you know what, this guy needs more details. Like this random guy sitting at the wrestling match needs more details.

[16:47] It's jarring, right? Like when you watch those scenes, were they not jarring when [expletive]'s like, oh, I've I [expletive] guys like you in prison, where you're not like, whoa, like this is taking me out of the movie.

[16:58] Why is this so intense right now? And like, why in the 80s was it when I'm sweating a guy? Is that I'm gonna get within kissing range and then basically threaten him. You're like, are you you want to kiss me, don't you? Don't you fag? Yeah. And then like get closer to him, you know, like creeping on in. Like, come on, you want to do it, don't you? I might like it, but I won't tell anybody about it. I mean, no, I'm gonna beat you up. I'm ashamed of myself. Like, what's going on?

[17:25] Exactly. Exactly. I think that's what we're really getting to, is you had just a lot of like closeted script writers who were just living out their fantasies, maybe, maybe subliminally.

[17:35] Or maybe they were getting these roles as characters, and they're like, I'm gonna bring a little bit of my own pizzazz to it. And they're like, Okay, man, you do you. And he's like, Oh yeah, I used to [expletive] dudes like you in prison. Whoa, keep the camera rolling. This is good stuff.

[17:46] They're like, we don't have time to reshoot, it's in the film.

[17:49] Nope. Yeah, our budget's not that high.

[17:52] It's in the movie.

[17:54] Oh man, but yeah, I saw that and I just had to bring it back up again because I think we were spot on. So now the more 80s movies I watch, I'm gonna be, I don't even have to look for it anymore because it's really [expletive] blatant when you see it.

[18:05] And it always comes back, Nate, to robot jocks, but this is why robot jocks is a a stellar example of the 80s because it didn't need any of that [expletive]. And it didn't, right? There was none of it, there was none of that.

[18:16] Nope, none of it whatsoever. Robot Jocks was the epitome of all that combined. You know, it didn't require any of that. It had interracial love between Athena and Achilles, it had um very successful multicolored people, the Japanese guy and the one guy on the dumb waiter, the only two.

[18:38] It had fat people, it had skinny people. It was really, it was really ahead of its time. Yeah. We we really we we peeked at Robot Jacks.

[18:49] That was the best cinema could ever offer this this planet, was Robot Jocks.

[18:55] All right, Nate. So not gonna lie, I'm having you do these DD ranking challenges, mostly because they make for great social media clips. Uh that's not what social media analytics is showing, but in my heart, I know that some of these clips are hilarious and that they're gonna blow up on the socials one day. Right. So your task, should you choose to accept it, is to rank some of the top and worst DD spells.

[19:21] Okay, I think I can handle that. Right off the bat, I'm gonna tell you that I hate true strike. Really? Yeah, absolutely. Will never use it. It doesn't even make sense to me. So all it does is it burns up a cantrip spot and it gives you advantage on your next attack roll. So why not just make an attack roll and then make another attack roll? Like then you have a chance of at least hitting twice.

[19:49] That's true. Best case scenario of the true strike is you hit once in two turns.

[19:54] Yes.

[19:54] Best case scenario and without true strike is you hit twice in two turns. That's fair.

[19:59] I've never thought of it that way.

[20:00] Right.

[20:01] So like I can't stand that one at all.

[20:04] So hold on though, Nate. Do you I I don't know this, and maybe you don't either, and maybe we just cut this out of the [expletive] episode. But um, the old that like true strike in the previous version, I don't know if it was like 3.5 or whatever, was a lot better from my understanding. Do you know? Are you familiar or no?

[20:21] No, I've heard I've heard the same thing too, and it's like one of those um uh I'm trying to think of the term that they use, like a golden spell or something like that, to where like people know that the name of the spell and they wanted it in there, but they didn't know how to transition it perfectly in 5e. So then we got this lump of crap that is true strike in 5e spells. I've heard I've heard that, yes.

[20:44] Oh, true is true strike only for yourself, or can you cast it on someone else?

[20:48] Only for yourself.

[20:49] Oh yeah. So that's that would be the only reason of like, oh, let me give true strike to somebody who will hit hard. Right. Because that will do more damage than me hitting maybe even twice. That that was the logic in my head. But if true strike is only a self-spell, though, then I guess that's garbage.

[21:02] Oh, let me let me double check just to make sure. On your next training gain advantage on your first. Yeah, it's just saying you do. Oh, and it's concentration? Holy [expletive]. That makes it even [expletive] worse, dude.

[21:13] That's true, that's true. I'm actually reading real quick. I'm reading the 3-5 description to see if it's really anything helpful.

[21:19] Oh, okay.

[21:20] The character's next single attack roll gains a plus 20 insight bonus, which I think it's not the same, but it would kind of be like saying getting like a plus 20 to hit.

[21:30] Oh, okay.

[21:31] So yeah. Like true strike on a boss would be in 3-5, probably a lot more helpful than like true strike ever. Right. 5e.

[21:41] So yeah, waste and then with how savvy you need to be as a spellcaster, and like your cantrips, you can't just interchange them all the time depending on your class. So, like a cantrip slot is huge because it's basically your bread and butter, and to waste it on something like true strike is just complete garbage.

[22:00] Yeah, and an unlimited spell that it is, which is what a cantrip is, right? Like, I know they're like lower level and they're weaker, but they're [expletive] unlimited. So, like you said, like incredibly valuable.

[22:10] Oh, yeah. And then just to waste it on like a chance roll when you could have just took a chance any. Ways I don't see the benefit to it at all. Next one, dark vision. Not a fan. Ooh. I can is it's like a specific thing. If for some reason you have a whole party and that you need to be the stealthy upfront guy and nobody else has dark vision, and you need to snuff your torches, then yeah, it's gonna be fine. But more often than not, with the amount of playable uh lineages, now they call them, someone's gonna have dark vision. You're not just gonna be the human with regular eyesight standing there with a torch, like, all right, I'm gonna sneak up on him with my torch, guys.

[22:10] Someone's gonna have dark vision to waste a second level spell on dark vision again is just a waste of a slot when you could be putting something way better in there. And I'm basing all this off of like wizards. So wizards get the biggest spell list, but if someone's taken dark vision over misty step or even invisibility, like what are you doing here? Like, I'm gonna be mad at you at the table. I'm like, you you took dark vision, like for what? Like we can go into town, I can talk to some artifice or guy, or the DMs will allow it, and I'm gonna buy you some night vision goggles. Like, I'm gonna shake them down. You don't need dark vision.

[23:22] No, that's totally valid. I really hate playing with people where everybody has dark vision. Like, just be okay that you're not a superhero and not everybody can see in the dark. Right. Very rarely do I play with a party where not I'm usually the only person who's like, I don't give a [expletive] if I have dark vision. But everybody else makes sure they cut it's like a checkbox, right? Like, do you have dark vision? And to me, like, you [expletive] in a party of like bat people, like, why does everybody have dark vision? Like, what the [expletive]? I get that mechanically, it is sometimes hard to play DD if like you can't see like kind of like the layout of the place you're fighting in.

[23:22] But it's also like a game that we're playing in the theater of our [expletive] mind, and actually we can't see anything, right? So just [expletive] roll with it and improv. Oh, yeah. It's fun to be limited in ways, it forces you to be creative. Every battle should not just be [expletive] optimized with the best, like, right? Like you should have to stumble around the dark and accidentally, you know, trip a booby trap and you know, let chaos happen. That that is, I think, how the game should be played.

[24:26] Oh yeah. It it is, like you said, it makes it very like washed out. And then, okay, so everyone here has dark vision, so I guess I'll be the only realistic one and just hold on to somebody's belt and you can guide me through, and then just say, Hey, shoot a spell in that direction. Like, okay.

[24:44] Totally. And then a good DM, right? Like we we played recently, we're in like mines, and they're like, Yeah, there's some lamps in there, like, but like, yeah, right, you have to go move towards the lamp, and you might be seen, or like carrying the lamp around is gonna draw attention to you, right? Like, things have consequences, Nate. And when you play a version of DD with your friends where there's really no consequences, that's a [expletive] game. Oh, yeah. You you can't all be OP gods and like things like you have to [expletive] carry a lamp, you know, we'll we'll kind of draw attention to you, and that's okay. I want people to be okay with not being what was it?

[24:44] Like, there's like min-max and there's max max, and you don't need to be max max. Right.

[25:21] And you don't have to min-max either, like just make a character you're you're happy with, and then like you said, it's it's up to the DM discretion, and that brings me to my next spell. Pretty much any of the smaller illusion spells, so like minor illusion, silent image. I've been at plenty of tables, and there's only been a handful of DMs that actually play the illusion spells, how I really think they would be played out in a real life situation. So, like, I'm gonna cast uh a minor illusion, so it can't do anything unless I'm obviously the illusionist wizard, then it can do something. But if it's something that I can create in my mind on the fly that should distract my enemy, I think the enemy should waste a turn on that [expletive].

[25:21] Like, I think for some reason in my head, if there's like a big battle going on and then something more menacing or something weird or off-putting appears, then yeah, he's not gonna be like, oh nope, he just walks around it, you know. Like, no, he's gonna waste his turn and do the investigation check on that [expletive] thing and then go attack the rest of the party, or go try to attack the illusion thing, you know, or am I just being crazy on this one because I love running an illusionist wizard ballot?

[26:41] No, I agree with you. Um, here's like kind of a conclusion I drew recently that I think I just made this up and maybe it would make DD better, maybe it wouldn't, but I think they should separate practical spells and battle spells. So you should have so many slots for stupid [expletive] like that, like skyright, where you can like make 10 words in the sky or some [expletive], like that's so specific, and like to waste your slot, it really forces you to have less ability in battle. And you know me, like I like balance, so I always take like a spell that's like kind of specific. Yeah and I don't just take all the OP damage spells because that's not fun either, in my opinion.

[26:41] But I agree, like, why does the game make you choose between like do I want to have battle spells or not? I think it's like just like you have a couple cantrips, I think you should have a couple slots that are for spells for stupid [expletive] like that, for mending, for true strike, or not true strike, but for for these things that are, you know, whatever, these illusions or whatnot. I I think that would make the game more fun because then you can still there is something really satisfying. Like we joked about the wanda [expletive] smiles, right? But how funny at a funeral would it be to like do that to like the antagonist while he's talking and then he starts smiling and everybody's like, wow, that guy's an [expletive].

[26:41] Like there are satisfying moments to do that, but when you have to hope an entire campaign that there's one moment to use that spell, right, and and give up a slot that will otherwise be like fun and practical, that's that's the problem. So I think D D should just kind of separate out like like like the spells by like I don't know, like combat versus utility. Utility, yes, exactly. And I think that would make the game more fun.

[28:22] Oh, for sure. Like I actually like that idea a lot. Like, give me some just utility slots. And because, like you said, for the most part, like I like the role play aspect more than anything, so I'll only take one damage spell and then I will just cast that in battle, and that's it. I'm almost like a [expletive] [expletive] warlock out there with Eldritch Blast. But then everything else, I'm like, come on, fingers crossed, hoping that I'm gonna be able to use disguised self. It's the DM will actually let me use it, you know.

[28:50] It it is satisfying, yeah. And I think that would also encourage DMs to be like, if everybody has up to three utility spells that they can have on hand, they're gonna have to start doing some like you know role-play stuff to interact with that. Where right now it's kind of like DMs know I would say like two-thirds of players are gonna lean towards like combat resource spells, and so they don't have to to account for that other stuff.

[29:16] Right? Because there's a lot of players out there that are like me and you that don't give two [expletive] about actually battling in 5e. Like, if I can talk my way out of a fight or do some kind of [expletive] trickery to get out of a fight, I'd rather do that.

[29:30] Absolutely. Well, and like I've always thought this too, Nate. If you want to play a battle simulator simulator, there are many other games that are more fun than Dungeons and Dragons. Like, battle is in DD is not the most riveting, interesting anime. Like, there are a million other games I'd like to play if I want combat.

[29:51] And everybody's got to overthink it. Like, really, I I would hope for something more streamlined. Like, give me a game like Risk, where the battle is I roll a die against your die, and then we can go about our business. Totally.

[30:03] I you know how like in chess they have like the timers like that they have to click through. I almost wish like there was something like that. Like, if you want to spend one turn where you're like, I really know I can make something great happen on this turn, fine, but that comes out of your total time, and later you're gonna have to speed it the [expletive] up. Like you're only gonna have so much, like I almost wish like you only get to think about your move once it's your turn and you only have so much time because everybody, again, trying to max max every opportunity, yeah. That's not realistic either, right?

[30:03] Like in a real battle, if like three people are swinging punches at you, you know, like, yeah, there's those like super people who are like thinking of every situation, every angle, but that's like one genius guy in every party, maybe not everybody having the foresight of considering the entire state of the battle and everybody's status. It's not a thing, right?

[30:49] And then that man, we're like creating our own game now because that could be like a battle master perk to where you get extra time added to your turn to where you could like navigate people around, you know.

[31:03] [expletive] it, Nate. Let's quit the podcast and let's just make a tabletop role-playing game.

[31:06] Yeah, we're gonna make our own fantasy role-playing game in the 80s.

[31:16] It's like, oh, when you land on the space, you have to draw your gay guilt aggression card.

[31:22] Yeah. You want to kiss me, don't you, queer boy? Ooh, I like that guy. Give him inspiration.

[31:30] Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay, Nate. Uh, I think I think we've set our piece. Now, can we play some Daft Monks? I've been itching.

[31:37] Yeah, that's fine, Nate. I'm fine with that. Thanks, man. The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our hearts are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.

[32:00] I wouldn't quite stay lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not, for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.

[32:16] And we're back. Wow, it's actually been so long, I have to think about where we left off. Today's episode, we are going back to Naya and Belmont. And then as Genny and Belmont in the in the previous iteration of this side of the story had jumped into the portal and delved through Belmont's memories in the effort to seek resolution. And turns out Van Helsing was something kind of haunting Belmont in a number of his memories. We thought maybe it was like, you know, it was like the present melding with the past, but like, nope, pretty sure he's your dad and he's been banging your mom, as it becomes abundantly clear.

[32:16] And so on this episode, we are going to now roll reversal, and Naya will have to seek out some comic resolution in order to close the portal that is swallowing up the land around the Belmont estate.

[33:08] It seems that we are here. I know where this is. I've been here before when I was a young child. Where where is this? I don't I don't recognize this. Doesn't look anything like my home. So as we're looking out, um it's just a big old field, tall grass. Uh you see what makes like a little native village over to the side, easily to put up and down. And then there is two small children just standing far out in the distance away from the village. They're kind of on their knees in like a praying type position. This was me when I was a child there with my brother. This is very important. Be sure to listen.

[33:47] Dad! Dad! Please talk to me.

[33:52] As these two children are just looking up at the sun.

[33:57] Dad, I know you're there, please.

[34:00] Oh, wow. Hmm, yes. My voice changed quite a bit when I hit a growth spurt, you know. Oh, thank God you and your brother grew out of that. Yeah, well, I did. He didn't. Yeah, nine-inch summer, they call it, I believe. I really blossomed into a man after this. I was tired of being the only child in the village without an actual physical father. Everybody else, you know, would be getting taught things, and me and my brother would just hang out with mom. It was it was a rough patch growing up as a child, but I think it made me the man I am today.

[34:33] So, Naya, uh, just forgive me. If your dad wasn't there, like he was there at one point, or are we talking like Virgin Mary, like virgin birth type deal?

[34:43] I have no idea what any of that stuff is, but my father was there to give me warmth and light.

[34:48] He is the sun. Yes, yes, you've mentioned that. But are you No, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. This is your story, this is your story.

[34:56] Dad! Please give me a sign.

[34:59] Okay, how long does this go on for, though? Because this is really terrible. You sound truly pathetic.

[35:04] Well, I was just a child. There's no reason to make fun of a child. At least I'm in shape. I'm not overly weight or anything, you know, getting hit in the face with a log. Oh, so I can get Wait, this is the good part. This good part coming up.

[35:16] Dad.

[35:20] I guess I guess that's it. And then the the memory starts fading away and becomes a blur. And then now we're standing in a long hallway, Naya and Belmont. Hmm. Thought there'd be more to that.

[35:35] Yes, I thought there'd be some kind of for me, you know, we kinda spanned my life and like evolved the evolution of my father hating me and me being a [expletive] and all kinds of things. But uh it turns out you have daddy issues too, Naya.

[35:50] I I wouldn't technically say that. Maybe this vision is actually helping with your problems, Belmont. Maybe by showing that I too was a rather weak and whiny child, but grew into the perfection that you see before you now. Um, maybe you have a chance to later blossom. Maybe you're a late bloomer.

[36:10] Okay, first off, I blossomed a long time ago. Second of all, let's just go to the next room. Alright, fine.

[36:17] Should I do you knock? I don't I don't know how these okay, let's walk.

[36:21] Is it hold on, can I say, is it like TPs? Like it's like a troopscape with like different TPs in it, or is that messed up?

[36:27] There's like, no, I don't think so. And there's like uh like murals on the walls of like buffalo running and [expletive] like that.

[36:34] It's it's very uh very animated cave drawings.

[36:38] Yes, yep, yep. Uh Naya doesn't seem to mind it. He actually likes it.

[36:42] It's like, oh, very, very dark and quaint. I love it. No, I love it. I love it.

[36:47] Yes, it keeps us safe from animal attacks. All right, let's walk in. And then as you walk into this now, it is completely different from where you were before. This is completely covered in marble, like huge staircases lined with gold. Everything is super shiny and bright and vibrant. And you still see uh Naya and his brother walking up these stairs now to the top of a large palace at the and the very peak of it, there is obviously a large golden emblazed sun, but it's also on fire. So you've never been to a place like this before, Belmont. Naya, this is pretty freaking great.

[37:27] I I assumed you lived in well, I'm just gonna say, you know, like in poverty, out in the wild. I I didn't imagine you were a man of things, but I mean that's a freaking marble staircase. I that's I mean this blows the Belmont estate out of the water. Pretty nice digs, right? So is this your home or like this is pretty elaborate even even for a god or a child of a god or wherever the [expletive] you are.

[37:52] Well, I I wouldn't say it's it's my home, per se. Uh this is the Sun Temple. This is where my father lives. Me and my brother just got done killing the last of the Seteka. Pardon? The Seteka are they're giants in our culture. Siteka, yes. They're cannibalistic giants that roamed the lands. No, I I know, yeah, I've I've killed some in my day, I think. I'm sure. But we wiped out the last of them, and we were finally graced with a messenger bird that told us where to find father, and this is that memory.

[37:52] So the two brothers are walking up slowly up the staircase, and they finally get to the top, the doors open in, and you see a kind of cloaked figure wearing like a ceremonial mask and a very vibrant headpiece coming off the back that resembles the rays of the sun, and he's sitting in a large uh marble chair, basically. It almost looks like uh the Lincoln Memorial kind of deal. Like he's just sitting at the top of a character.

[38:57] That's what he compared to the Lincoln Memorial.

[39:00] Well, you know, you're you're you can picture now.

[39:02] I'm thinking of like Zeus from Hercules, where he's just a giant chair and comes up.

[39:07] Yeah, it's kind of like that, you know. And then um the being that is sitting there does seem uh larger than a normal human-sized being. Very modest, your dad. You look over at Naya and he has like a tear kind of rolling down his cheek. Like he's he sucks it back up at his cheek. He doesn't want to be gay in the 80s, you know? Yes, that's that's father there. I've only met him a couple of times, and this is one of those special occasions. Come come closer, Belmont. Come and see his glory, his greatness before your very eyes.

[39:43] And uh before he does that, Belmont walks over and he like pats in the back, and I'm like, I'm sorry, it must have been really hard only seeing your dad a couple times ever in your life. I almost had it better by having a dad who hated me all the time, every day.

[39:55] Well, if we're being technical, I got to see him every day of my life as soon as the sun rose and as soon as the sun set.

[40:02] Okay, maybe if you close your eyes, but you can't like look at the sun without you know getting blinded.

[40:07] You look over at him and he's like squinting really hard right now. He's like, hmm, yes. So you make it to the top of the staircase, top of the platform. Naya and his brother are now kneeling in front of their father, and uh Aura appears, and then the staff, along with the bow and arrows, come down and are basically presented to Naya and his brother, and in just like a show of gesture, like they're making like, oh, thank you, thank you. Father, if I will. And this is the memory talking now. Naya's voice has changed. Uh, you could tell he's gotten to be his man's strength. I can't explain how I feel right now, though. I'm overcome with such emotions.

[40:07] But this is a great honor, and I promise I will take care of these these weapons that you have given me, and I will defend our people with them at all costs.

[41:00] Well, you're welcome. No, no problems there. Just take your the trinkets and go.

[41:07] Thank you, Father. I promise you, you will not regret this. Our meeting.

[41:12] Yes, I know. I love you too, son. Now skidad, I'll take your brother and get out of here.

[41:18] As you finish that, you like Naya looks back, and it's it was like a lot of stairs, and Belmont is just catching up. He's like, Oh, oh, Naya, Jesus, how many stairs are in this place? [expletive]. You think we could just like float through it in a dreamscape, but uh, what did I miss?

[41:33] Anything important? Oh, nothing at all. My father just gave me the weapons, and oh, he's he's coming down off of his chair, and then you see it looks really odd to you because it almost looks like to you, Belmont, just a regular sized man, but in giant clothes, kind of climbing down gingerly off of this large chair, and he comes over and gives Naya a hug.

[41:59] But Naya is so overcome with emotions, even uh real life Naya right now is crying watching this, and then he hugs him with these big drapey oversized clothes, and then turns around and then just silently walks back up and then gives him a gesture to leave.

[42:16] Huh.

[42:17] I know that was quite impressive, wasn't it? Um, it was something, Naya. Wasn't it? I can't wait for the next memory. I don't know about you. You were having a hard time with your memories, but for me, this is fantastic.

[42:29] By the way, what happened to those awesome rad weapons he gave you?

[42:33] Oh, they were broken in Dracula's chamber. It's a terrible thing.

[42:37] Oh, th those are those things we saw in that dark shrine.

[42:40] Yes. I uh I plan to find father again, and hopefully he will embrace me in his warmth one more time and grace me with some more weapons to defeat the darkness that is Dracula.

[42:52] Yes, I'm sure he can pull him out of those oversized sleeves of his. What are you talking about? Nothing, let's go.

[42:57] And then uh you guys just matrix door whoosh back and you're back in the hallway. Alright, I guess it's time for this door here. And then you look at it and it's just a flap of like animal skin or hide that would be used customarily in a teepee or structure of like that. Alright, in we go. And he pushes it open and kind of holds it for you to walk in. Belmont's like, thank you. I want to get a good perspective for this next one. I do too. I can't wait to see what this magical portal has in store for me. And then you guys whoosh in.

[42:57] And then now you are inside of a rather large teepee of sorts, and Naya's mom is currently cooking and cleaning a little bit and like meal prepping inside. Naya and his brother come walking in carrying large things of uh meat, some kind of animal carcass over their shoulders, and they're laughing and then pushing each other and having a good time. And then you hear them talking to each other. Yes, yes, no other person in the tribe could defeat an animal such as this. Only the blood of a god runs through these veins, and with that, we were the only ones capable of destroying this monster. And then Naya's little brother comes in and Yeah, you're right.

[44:15] Big bro, we took him down real good, didn't we?

[44:18] Yeah, we did, brother. And they kind of do like a terminator, or not terminator, but like a predator high five where they clasp each other's arms and they're like flexing their muscles and stuff, and they're like, Sun God, Sun God. Hubba Hubba Niah, who is this hot broad cooking dinner for you guys? That is my mother. You best keep those inner feelings to yourself.

[44:42] Ah yes, yes, all respect, but I I just have to say, uh, I'd like to paint with all the colors of that wind, if you know what I mean. So stupid.

[44:55] Well, I don't know what you mean by that analogy per se, but keep it in your pants, all right? Okay, okay. And she never once showed her rack like your mom was always flaunting it about. But wait, this is this wasn't this isn't a good memory. This is a terrible memory. I d why is this memory happening? And then just as he's saying that, Naya's mom throws down the knife that she was using to clean the latest kill, and she starts yelling at the boys, I can't take it anymore. I just can't take it. Wallace.

[45:29] I'm sorry, what did you say, Naya?

[45:32] Uh just something that she can't take it anymore. No, after that part. I don't know. Uh apparently she used to be a secretary and also work at a police station or something. But that's the voice she was given in life.

[45:45] I don't know why.

[45:47] I just can't take it anymore. You boys always running around saying that you're the son of a god. I need to tell you something right now. I just I can't wait. Mother, what is it? Why are you so upset about us being sons of a god? Because we're totally awesome, and then they do the high five thing again where they clasp hands and flex their muscles, but now they look like greased up and like glistening in the sun, even though we're inside of a structure. This is exactly what I'm talking about. I have to I have to And then like she starts grabbing her chest and like, oh my god, mother, are you okay? Please go go get help.

[45:47] And then he mess tells his brother to go get help and he runs out of the tent. It's apparently taking too long, and Naya's impatient, and he also runs out of the tent. And then just in that moment, a large horse and carriage run over the TV, running over Naya's mom.

[46:42] Holy [expletive].

[46:43] Oh I can't believe that happened.

[46:47] Damn these double blindfolds.

[46:52] Uh now quick question. Uh I didn't catch it because I was busy quickly evacuating the teepee, but did that man have two eye patches, one over each of his eyes?

[47:02] Yes, he did. I will forever remember this memory. The blind man.

[47:08] Do you remember just maybe 20 minutes ago when it was in my memory?

[47:14] Uh coincidence, is it not? All of you people look the same, you know. Us people.

[47:20] No, okay, yeah, no, you're totally right. Yep, just keep going.

[47:24] And then uh as he's saying that, you look over and you see now the the blind man uh driving away, the TP wrapped around a Latout's tense wagon, just flapping in the distance, and then riding off into the sunset.

[47:40] I imagine like it somehow like got caught in the wagon and her body is in it, and it's just dragging her away. And I'm like, I'm sure she's fine, Naya. Like, probably just, you know, brush herself off and got up after that.

[47:53] No, it wasn't. By the time I was able to get my wits about me and gather my horse, it was approximately 30 miles that she had been drug. I will forever remember this day. The day that the blind man in the Latout's tent wagon killed my mother. Tells oldest time, right? You've seen it once, you've seen it a thousand times.

[48:21] But the question remains, Naya, who is the guy who owns Letoot's tents, and why does he keep loaning out his wagon to random people?

[48:30] To random blind people, I know. It's the craziest thing. Like, who would loan their wagon to this obviously blind man? Like, I wonder if I could even blame him now if I looked upon his face, if I could have that rage in my heart still, knowing that he's just a poor, innocent blind man driving this wagon. One of those things was probably correct. Yes. Yes, I agree. One of many of those things.

[49:00] Well, my friend, I'm I'm sorry for your mother's loss. I know that must have been very hard. You barely had your father in your life, and then you lost your mother. You you must have felt so alone, except for you and your brother. Your blood relative, I think.

[49:14] Absolutely. You could tell in our voice. We have the same voice, him at 30 and me at 31. But, you know, his voice matches my eight-year-old voice. It's it's a family trait, I'm sure. Yeah, these things happen. But what was my mother trying to tell me, Belmont? That's what I want to know.

[49:32] Yeah, it uh escapes me.

[49:35] No ideas at all.

[49:37] Is this a test? Like Belmont like looks around.

[49:41] I'm legitimately curious. Like, I'm over here crying again because my have to re-watch my mother being ran over by a blind man in a wagon.

[49:49] Well, she mentioned, you know, she seemed to be very upset about you talking about your godliness. So maybe she was filling the blanks here.

[49:59] Trying to tell me that I need to have a better temperament about being the son of a god. You're absolutely right. I think that's right. Do but do you wish to do an 80-style high five hand clasp with me?

[50:14] Oh, hells yeah. And then we do it. Wow, that feels amazing. I can see why you and your brother always did this and flaunted it in front of other people. Yeah, and look at that when we flex. Look at that. I'm like, look at look at that. You know, I uh weren't wasn't close with my brother and sister. They were kind of huge [expletive]. I I could see that.

[50:32] They also apparently, you know, had a different dad, so that might have been Well, this is about me, so let's get back to the hallway, shall we? Yes, totally different situation, I think. And then whoosh back to the hallway. We're walking down the hallway now, and we come across another door. This one is again marble and with a gold inlay. Oh, yes, I see this memory probably pertains to the Sun Temple again. I've only been there, you know, a handful of times, but I'm sure this one's a good one.

[51:04] Where is the Sun Temple before we like where is this place? This seems not very subtle, like some somewhere probably this would have been discovered.

[51:13] Well, you see, it's actually right by the blackberry bush. There's some magical mushrooms that grow on the ground there, and then we eat them and then go on a vision quest, and then we climb to the highest point away from the blackberry bush, and there, at the highest point of the day when the sun is high. I may have eaten too many of those mushrooms. That's when we climbed the staircase that led to the sun temple. I'm sure you wouldn't be able to comprehend something like that.

[51:46] This is either a memory or a hallucination.

[51:49] Well, it's it's definitely not a hallucination. It's the only way to gain access to the Sun Temple. Huh.

[51:55] Okay. Alright, well, uh, yeah, lead the way, uh, my friend. Like, looks at your like [expletive] pupils.

[52:01] Completely. As soon as um you notice in the hallway that they look fine, but then as soon as you walk into the dreamscape of the next door, they're looking wide open.

[52:13] Yep.

[52:16] Oh, this is a good one here. And then uh instead of the staircase, now you're instantly zoomed to the platform. And then um you look up, and again, they are kneeling and looking head down. They don't want to dishonor their father by looking directly at him. But for some reason you Belmont noticed that he seems to be fidgeting up in his large chair a little bit, and something just seems a little bit off about him. He's not this as as stoic as he seemed before, if he ever appeared that way to you. Father, we have information about mother. I'm afraid that she's passed on to the great beyond. And then more like fidgeting. Something falls down the steps and starts clanging. It's like a gold bracelet.

[53:03] It's like bing bing bing bing bing bing bing.

[53:05] And just like silence. Ah, yes. Um, that sounds terrible. Well, do you know how it happened, father? Of course I do.

[53:15] I am the sun god, I know everything that happens under my gaze. How dare you question me?

[53:22] Oh, you're right, Father. I am I am terribly sorry. Now, boys, it has come to my attention from somebody else, entirely, but me, because I am all powerful and whatnot, blah blah blah. Uh a great darkness is coming to the land and might take over my kingdom, you know, and it may or may not be some other guy's fault, you know, who's ruggedly handsome and has a pet rat. It may be his fault, but not entirely, you know. But just be on the lookout for that, okay?

[53:54] It's making me a little on edge.

[53:57] Father, we we don't have time for clues and riddles. What is it exactly you're trying to tell us? You know, just you know, you know. No, we don't know, Father. Are you getting lippy? No. No, no, sorry, Father. Alright, now just be careful and it's good seeing you guys. How about a a handshake or something? No? No, Father, that is okay. We accept your quest and we will be on our way.

[54:26] Okay, good. Don't fall down anything.

[54:29] And then um you, Belmont specifically, notice that there are rifts in this image where sometimes you're looking at a giant marble palace, but then other times it looks like you're just standing on a very large pile of dirt. Uh but then as soon as you like try to focus in on it, it goes back to the marble. So I don't know how you would feel about that.

[54:58] Naya, there are a few things suspect about this memory of yours. Yes, go ahead. Okay, firstly, let's just kinda address the elephant in the room. Is that always the voice the sun god has had?

[55:13] Um, as my memory serves, yes, it was very booming and omnipresent, wasn't it? It it shook your soul, like the bass in it really you felt it in your bones, right?

[55:26] I felt it before in person maybe a couple weeks ago, if you're picking up what I'm putting down.

[55:36] You've talked to my father?

[55:38] Ooh, that's a loaded question. Um I don't know if I've talked to your father, but I've talked to somebody who sounds exactly like your dad, and he's not a flaming orb in the sky.

[55:49] He's actually And then right before you say Van Helsing, he comes back in and he's like, nah, boys, this is important. I'm dying.

[55:57] And you can never come back to the Sun Temple ever again. Because I feel this darkness encroaching me in my bones, you know? Like it's a terrible thing, like some kind of gift, you know, coursing through my veins. It's terrible. We shouldn't really talk about it. It's awful. Oh, come on. He said gift, Naya.

[56:17] Shh, not now, Belmont. I'm trying to listen. This memory is very important.

[56:22] So it's just it's just as important, you know, that you stop this darkness, you know, and I'm looking at you guys, and I'm like, you know, only my son, my only son, I mean, sons, can like stop this darkness, you know. So like get out there and give it hell. Get go get him.

[56:42] Give it hell. Okay, Naya. Uh, a few more things, right? So not only does this person sound desperate for you to not return to the sun temple, he just said literally his only son.

[57:00] I'm sure it was a slip-up, him being the sun god, and there is only one son.

[57:04] Sure, sure, sure. But also, uh, can you just like remember your brother for a sec? Yes, smaller than me. He just like kind of like phases next to you, and I'm like, hold up like your arm next to him. Like, uh-huh. Do these look the same? Like, um, in terms of, you know, like I'm just gonna say it. Uh your brother's got way darker skin than than you do. You're you're pretty light.

[57:33] Um I don't want to say you're you're you're European passing, but Well I cover up, you know. I don't want to disgrace father by having my skin just out and about.

[57:45] Okay. And what about the part where the your memory just keeps phasing in and out, and you you don't see that big pile of dirt?

[57:51] No, not at all. I see marble and gold and beautiful inlays and magical beasts flying in the sky and and delusion, Belmont whispers under his breath. Purple clouds and all of its majesty. It's beautiful up here, really.

[58:05] Okay, yeah. Just keep living in the clouds with your head there.

[58:08] Well, let's keep uh keep moving on, I guess. I don't I don't know why this memory was even important. Uh you know. This is literally the same thing, Naya. Oh my god. What are you talking about?

[58:19] I mean, I allowed to say, I mean, you made me figure it out. I I still don't know what you're trying to say. Like, are you are you jealous that I'm a sun god? How about this? Let's uh he does like a Belmont does like a timeout thing for a sec. And he's like, let's just take a quick dip back into my dreamscape, okay? And he goes back to Heron Vineyard and the like mural of like uh Van Helsing like holding a baby, uh like surrounded by blackberries. And he like he's like, Yep, that's what I thought. And he like climbs up on like a like a dream ladder and like wipes off next to it, and it's Van Helsing holding two babies. Like a white and a dark looking child.

[58:19] He's like, What do you think of this, Naya? What do you think? Tell me this picture's telling us a story. What do you think that story is?

[59:06] I see the man you've been talking about, your companion, holding a child that we knew was you on the right there, and now this newly undiscovered child on the left. Very beautiful looking baby, probably stolen from the tribe people.

[59:23] As that, the friar comes back in from my memory.

[59:27] Oh, look at that. It seems dirt got on this mural. Let me just clean it up a little bit better.

[59:34] Yes, I remember that day and he looks around, making sure nobody's around. Oh, my two sons. I couldn't be prouder.

[59:42] You two will stop this, I'm sure of it. Oh, I'm being heard. Quickly, skedaddle, McNibbles.

[59:50] Make two. Naya. There's n there's no possible way, Belmont. There's no way that he is also my father. Right?

[60:00] It's it's just look, a Latout's tents wagon randomly driving through your tribe.

[60:08] I thought you guys like to advertise Latout's tents everywhere you go. I see a Latout's tents every time I see a white face.

[60:14] I don't even know where the actual business for Latout's tents is, Naya. I have never seen that store in my life. Just the wagon, and it's always, always being driven by Van Helsing.

[60:26] Ah, yes, Letout's tents.

[60:28] It was a business that I tried with a fellow friend, and the friars just talking as he's cleaning the window.

[60:35] It went under. And does that voice not sound familiar, Naya? I I know it's hard. It was hard for me to say it out loud to you, but you and I might have more in common than a love for monster slang, if you if you know what I mean.

[60:49] Well, yes, the voice does sound familiar, like I've heard it in yours memories many times, and maybe I have been under the effects of some hallucinogenics whenever I met my father, and that could have changed how the sound was perceived. I'm trying to look at this really with a with a wide eye, Belmont, and you're making this difficult. I feel like you're poking fun at me. Look at me, I'm ripped and chisel. There's no way that I could be the son of of that thing.

[61:19] He accidentally died, the man I set up Latout's tents. His name was Gary Latout.

[61:28] Okay, I'm gonna deactivate this memory. I've I've attempted to make my point.

[61:32] Alright, we have one more door. Let's just get through it. You wish back to the hallway, and there's one final door, and this one seems like it's actually in like a dark alley of sorts. Like it's really brick and more of like a Victorian style. Really, what you're more accustomed to, Belmont, than anything you've seen in Naya's past before. So you see two figures standing in the dark alley and they're exchanging words. Brother, why have you brought me here to this this village?

[62:04] I have information that I really think you need to know.

[62:08] Alright, we'll we'll spill it and try to keep it down. Your voice is so harsh and shrill.

[62:13] Alright, but there's there's no reason, you know, to get upset at me, okay? Now we have to go our separate ways for now, brother. It's it seems that there's a man out there named Binko or Bunko or something like that, and he's the one that father was talking about.

[62:33] He's the one who's going to bring the darkness to an end. Wait, what exactly are you saying here, brother? I don't understand. Is this man man named Binko or Bunko or what? Listen to me. This is all I can get to you now, okay? We have to be cautious, but we need to split up. And just as that, a large demonoid figure flapping its wings come in and grabs Naya's brother and just picks him up and then starts flying off with him.

[63:04] Oh my god, Naya.

[63:05] I know that was a surprise attack.

[63:07] And you did absolutely nothing.

[63:08] I should have seen it coming. I was in awe. I couldn't believe it. I my foot tripped on a barrel right there. You know? There's there's something else to it here. I I remember something more. And then you see the brother getting taken away, and then more vampires start to emerge from the shadows to attack Naya. But just then a elderly man wearing the Belmont crest is seen attacking another man off in the distance of the alley. And now Naya's fighting off these creatures while this hooded Belmont man is fighting another hooded mysterious figure off in the distance.

[63:53] Wait, I recognize that person. That's Boba Fett Belmont.

[64:00] Did you just make that up?

[64:02] Okay, I don't know everyone's name, but he's wearing the Belmont crest. I must be related.

[64:06] Oh yeah, must be that easy, I'm sure. I'm sorry my memory's so hazy, but obviously I was in the middle of fighting this vampire scourge, so I'm sorry the details aren't clear enough for you to see your family name on the back of some guy.

[64:19] Okay, we need to calm down. I get that you are maybe not living up to any of the expectations that you had clearly set before this dreamscape vision quest, but you need to calm the [expletive] down, okay? Just because you can't kill these vampires and your brother got abducted, and you're clearly not the son of a sun god, does not mean you need to take it on me, okay? And oh, ooh, what's going on now?

[64:39] Yeah, wait, look at this move right here. And then Naya does some kind of spinning slice attack with his spear and it chops off. But then just right now, at the second, a very dark cloaked wagon starts plowing through the alleyway, and Naya has to nimbly dodge out of the way.

[64:59] Sorry about that, I can't see anything with these damn eye patches on. McNibbles, I told you to lead the reins.

[65:08] And it clips the Belmont man that's fighting, and they make a turn, and then the other hooded man jumps onto the back of the Latut's tents cart, and his hood flowing in the breeze falls behind him, and it's a clear symbol. You've seen this man before. It is Bingo that hopped onto the back of that cart, throwing one last dagger at the Belmont who deflects it with ease.

[65:32] I [expletive] knew that guy was evil. [expletive].

[65:35] The Belmont man?

[65:37] No, no, not this. I mean, this one seemed to be helping you, not the one Valenciaga, not so hot, but oh, listen, okay, I know that guy. I know that guy. That guy is who Van Hilsing left with right before I came and was captured and met you.

[65:51] Who is he? What's his name?

[65:54] Uh Bingo. Bingo. Yes. Yes, yes, see, it's all coming together. But this there's still things I don't understand, Naya. Like, okay, this happened. I get that you're like kind of, you know, maybe immortal ish or something, but this happened like 20 some years ago. Clearly, Van Helsing is involved, like the times. Not adding up, I I just I feel like there's something we're missing here. It just I mean, we already figured out like he's clearly your dad. Sorry about it, but there's still something else going on. Like if he was a sun god if Van Helsing is a sun god, why is he working with Bingo, who he clearly warned you not to work with? Like, did he lose his memory or something? Or what's I don't know.

[66:36] I don't know either. I will grant you that this man could potentially be my father. 100%. Okay, sure. But why do I have powers? Why do I have great strength? Why do I have this longer lifespan than most people? Because this was quite some time ago, way before you were even conceived Belmont.

[66:57] Yes, I I can't deny that, but maybe, Naya, maybe being a god and a hero isn't about your bloodline, but about the courage of your heart. Just kidding. Oh, that was a good I almost got you there.

[67:13] He saw a tear rolling down his cheek a little bit. He's like, Yes, you got me.

[67:19] It comes to like the latitude reversing and hitting like another pedestrian in the background.

[67:25] My bad, I can't see a thing. I my rat is driving. You know, these rats these days. Inconsiderate. Goodbye.

[67:36] Okay, Naya. I I think. Well, let's let's leave this portal and let's see if we've done our job.

[67:45] Whoosh back out through the portal. And now we are both standing outside of the Belmont Manor or estate. The roof is still collapsed and caved in, but there's now no longer any kind of arcane energy swirling about the place. But then there is a large voice that comes from underneath the house itself, and it's uh the voice of Belmont's dad or stepdad, I guess. [expletive], the both of you. What was that, Belmont?

[68:22] Oh, that's pop pop. I think he's returned from whatever excursion he was teleported to right before we arrived.

[68:29] I don't know how to battle a creature like this, especially in my mental state.

[68:34] I'm not here to fight you or father you, [expletive]. Okay, fair enough.

[68:41] Go on, spirit, tell us what it is that you want, besides telling Belmont that he's a good boy.

[68:48] The stars of a line, [expletive]. You must join forces with that which unites both of you.

[68:55] Hmm, I see. Do you Yes, yes, I I admit it. That man, the blind wagon man, is the sun god.

[69:05] No, he's not a god, you idiot!

[69:07] Alright, I I tried one more time, but you're right. And that means Grascherberger! He's in Gresherberger! Alright, I'm trying to have a moment, Spirit. I just found out I have another brother. And he's looking right at Belmont. Holds out his hand to do the 80s high five.

[69:28] In life, you disappointed your fathers who weren't your fathers.

[69:33] But now you can redeem the word. What do you say, Belmont? Do we redeem our names, our [expletive] like ways, and prove our stepdads right? Actually, I don't even know who my stepdad is, but at least let's prove your [expletive] of a stepdad wrong. What do you say, Belmont?

[69:51] I say, and he like puts out his hand to do the 80s style like high five hand clap thing. I say we stick it to him.

[69:59] Boom! High five all the way around.

[70:01] Now follow me. It's just like dips into the ground, and then like a phantom white, the Toots tent wagon appears. Get in, [expletive]!

[70:13] Of all the modes of transportation, this man, the spirit, could have chosen. Why did he choose the thing that killed my mother?

[70:20] It's erotic. I imagine the spirit wagon still having the TP strapped on the back with a ghostly arm hanging out of the back of it.

[70:34] And we'll we'll call it there. Yeah. All right, Nate. I don't know if we know what the story is anymore. I think we will have to do some serious retcon repair to our lore, but very excited to see. I think it's time to unite the characters.

[70:51] I think so too. We need to bring everybody together and then let's just go and kill Dracula.

[70:57] Yeah. Or Bingo. He seems honestly worse than Dracula.

[71:01] Oh, yeah. And like, what was he doing fighting that Belma and trying to steal Naya's brother? Like, these are things that we will probably maybe never find out because my story writing is not coherent.

[71:14] Yes. It's a good time to remind listeners if you're a new listener, we just pretty much improv these entire episodes. We we have just like a story concept of like this episode will be Naya's Dreamscape. And that's really it. We do not plan, we don't really kind of work together and and you know set anything up. So we just kind of roll with it and then use a lot of editing. A lot, a lot of editing. I'm sorry, mate. Get it coherent. I'm pretty sure you just brought back Victor's voice because you want me to use the modulator again.

[71:46] Yes, I do.

[71:47] I loved it.

[71:48] As soon as I heard it on the last episode, I was like, oh your banter with it is so funny, too.

[71:54] I gotta say, I mean, now we're just tooting our own horns, but uh definitely loved the banter in that last episode. So hopefully more to come.

[72:03] There will be, and I promise you that I do have a general idea of where I want to take this, but I'm not going to leave any spoilers on the podcast. You will have to just tune in next time.

[72:14] Thank you for listening. As always, if you enjoy the show, share it on social media, send a link to somebody. We can only grow if you help others. We'll be at the uh Phoenix Fan Fusion June 2nd through 4th. We have a [expletive] ton of dice, drawstring bags, raffle prizes that were given away. We actually just ordered, oh my gosh, a Steam Deck to raffle off. We got we got good [expletive]. So come by our booth, subscribe, share with your friends, and thank you for listening.

[72:45] Thank you again. And goodbye.