The Chimera, the Lich and the Warlord
Edited audio transcript

Edited from an automatic transcription of the original recording. Strong language is masked; selected personal asides and adult material are marked [Editorial omission.]. Transcription errors may remain, especially in names and lyrics. Timestamps come from the source; paragraphs split for readability can share a timestamp. The original recording contains adult language and themes. Announcements and offers reflect the recording date.
Source: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1880667/episodes/12924419-the-chimera-the-lich-and-the-warlord.mp3

[0:15] Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents the Daft Monks podcast. Hey Nate, how's it going?

[0:21] Hello to you, Nate.

[0:23] Whoa, serious tonight.

[0:25] I have to be Nate. It is the season finale of Daft Monks Season 2.

[0:30] Dun dun dun.

[0:32] We made it. We actually got to the we finished something, Nate, for the first time ever together, and maybe for the first time ever with you, period.

[0:39] For the first time in my life, I finished something.

[0:41] How's it feel? I mean we haven't done it yet, but how will it feel?

[0:44] Oh, I'm sure I'll feel so accomplished afterwards.

[0:47] Like you're never gonna hop back online again. We will not record.

[0:50] Like, what are you talking? We're we're done. What are you talking about? We finished.

[0:53] Show me 1,000 listeners, or I'm not coming back.

[0:56] Yeah, make it happen now.

[0:59] You act like some kind of like alter ego of yours, but it actually is just how you are.

[1:04] Come on, don't be like that. Not in front of our new fans.

[1:07] That's true. They they think you're pleasant.

[1:09] Right? After all them Instagram reels and everything, they're like, that's other Nate's a swell fella.

[1:14] They probably think you're a homophobe, maybe from the recent Bane clips.

[1:18] On all the Bane clips.

[1:20] I it in a perfect world, I'd cut all the clips from all episodes and then mix them in different orders. But I don't got time for that, Nate. So it's like I do the Bane episode and you get the Bane clips, which are all just gay jokes.

[1:33] You know the one.

[1:35] Come sit over here next to Gay Bane.

[1:37] Just go by Bane now. Shut up, gay Bane.

[1:40] But also, like, he just goes by Bane now, which means at some point he did go by Gay Bane. Nate, let's uh let's let's knock some banter out real quick uh before we get to inevitably what will probably be the longest episode we've ever done.

[1:54] Okay.

[1:55] First thing on my mind is tomorrow I'm going to an escape room. It'll be the first escape room I've ever attempted. It'll be No way. Yes, it's going to be a crew team building exercise with our crew at work. And our spouses, of course. It should be good. Megan's gone? Yes. Because I need someone to keep me level. You know, I don't want to start yelling at people because I get pretty competitive about things. And if somebody's not pulling their weight, I'll probably get pretty, you know, loud and rambunctious about it.

[2:26] I can't think of many things more stressful than being in a panic room or sorry, an escape room with you, mate. I feel like right? There it's hard too. A lot of times you're like, what the [expletive] do you want from me?

[2:36] Oh yeah. I'm gonna be saying that a lot, I'm sure. And then um I've already warned one of the apprentices, he's almost a lineman, but I warned him like his wife's a doctor, and I'm like, she better [expletive] do some doctor [expletive] and like carry her weight because she's the only one here with a college degree. So I'm I have high expectations from her, you know.

[2:56] It's amazing. It's amazing. What's uh is there a theme? So usually like they have themed rooms and stuff.

[3:01] It is it themed. Oh wow.

[3:03] I know that's actually kind of cool.

[3:05] You know how much I love horror.

[3:06] Oh my gosh. I hope there's a balloon that pops or something.

[3:09] Oh phenomenal. I've already been thinking about it. I rewatched it and I'm like, ooh, I hope there's a library scene, or maybe what's her teeth's uh bathroom scene with the blood. Like, should I wear an outfit that could get blood on it? I don't know. Maybe I'll just wear my Nat One shirt.

[3:23] Nate, are you is this an it themed room, or are you guys entering into like like the real life saw?

[3:29] I don't know because Ryan made me watch the um escape room movie, the kind of newer one, not the second one, but whatever. And I was like, oh my god, these people are gonna die. And they did, Nate. They did die. So I immediately thought, well, what's the chance that like somebody goes crazy and we enter this room thinking it's legit and then we end up dying.

[3:50] You're like, who's this other guy? I thought it was just us eight from the crew, and it's just like some like creepy guy like this. He like doesn't talk to you guys.

[3:58] He's like, I've been waiting for this. I'm like, cool, me too, for a week since we signed up for it.

[4:04] Actually, no joke, Nate. That I mean, that would be pretty wild, like, because usually I think escape rooms they almost always like watch you from a camera or something. I don't I don't think I've heard of escape rooms where there's just somebody in there.

[4:14] This one uh will there um they said so I believe it's either five or eight combined rooms for this one it escape uh room event thing. So there will be actors in place to not only play their part, but also potentially give you a collaborative.

[4:34] Oh, are they excited for you?

[4:35] I am so scared. I just don't want to look dumb.

[4:39] I've only done one escape room, to be honest. It was kind of like Western casino room themed.

[4:45] Oh, okay.

[4:46] It's a lot of you just like turning over anything possible. Like you, you it looks like you're like trying to rob the place because you're just like you open all the drawers, you're like flipping over everything, you're like checking under cups. Like you just look like a [expletive] insane person, and like most of the time it's not like oh okay, we grabbed this. Oh, now it wants to go over here. You're just like, what does this mean? Like, I I went on this whole rant because they had it was like gambling themed and it had these like cards, and one of the cards was blue. It was irrelevant, Nate. Like it had nothing to do with anything, but I'm like, why is the card blue?

[4:46] I just kept going back to all like, but guys, the card is blue, and they're like, shut the [expletive] up. It was a red herring, no one cares about the blue card, Nate. We did set a record the time we did it for the one in Tucson for that room. I'm just saying, we set it right. But to be honest, I was not a very big contributor to that. Oh no, I was too busy focusing on the blue card.

[5:32] And I feel like you're smarter than me, Nate. I don't know what I'm gonna do in this place.

[5:36] I always mix this up. Blue collar, white-collar workers.

[5:38] Oh, we are blue collar. You are white-collar because at the end of the day, your collar will remain white while ours would have been stained with the sweat that we have procured during our work. Blue sweat? No, no, it's blue. That way you don't see the sweat. Does that make sense?

[5:51] That's where it comes from? Yeah.

[5:52] Yeah, it's kind of like something like that. Even though I wear brown shirts, but brown collar sounds kind of racist.

[5:59] How blue collar is it that you had to explain to me the difference between blue collar and my collar?

[6:03] Oh, not at all, Nate. As uh many of our listeners know, me and Nate are from different worlds, different paths of life, we said a collision.

[6:12] That's crazy. Well, anyway, here I am, was gonna make fun of you for like, oh, eight laborers in a room. That's gonna go great. But I feel like the wives might be able to like. We got the doctor, we've got Megan. She's crafty, she's super. She's super smart. She makes something out of nothing all the time, honestly.

[6:27] Oh, yeah. She made two beautiful children with not much help.

[6:34] Oh man, it sounds really cool. I I actually I hope we do more episodes. If for no other reason, then you can tell us all about that. That sounds great.

[6:41] Oh, yeah, I can't wait.

[6:43] So, Nate, tonight's kind of like a special night. Do you know what releases tonight at midnight?

[6:48] No, I don't.

[6:49] Nate, the new Legend of Zelda, Tears of the Kingdom, comes out tonight.

[6:53] Ooh.

[6:54] And uh yeah, I have it pre-downloaded. Ooh. So when it releases at actually it released 15 minutes ago. We were recording this at 9 p.m. So it's already should be on my switch, and I'm uh very excited to play Nate.

[7:04] Well, let's get this [expletive] show on the road so you can get to who I am.

[7:08] Let's [expletive] get going, Nate. Have you ever played any uh Legend of Zelda games?

[7:12] The last one that I played was Wind Waker. And I kinda liked it. It was on GameCube, and I liked the whole cell shading thing and like the little link, even though I don't know if he was really Link in that one.

[7:24] So, Nate, let me share something that really grinds my [expletive] gears is that people tried to like take all the Zelda games back in the day and like put them in in order in the timeline. And let's be honest, Nate. You know, for a while the games were just developed, very few of them are direct sequels. Sometimes they're inspired, but like they just made games somewhere in the same universe, whatever, with the same characters. Right. Well, [expletive] Nintendo hopped on board on that years ago, and they rearranged all the games. There is an actual timeline, and then there's like three because Okraine of time literally he jumps in the future and then the past, so there's like split timelines, right?

[7:24] And they put they categorize every game into essentially a starting timeline that branches into three timelines, and they're like, This is where all the games fit in. And I'm like, You made this up, right? You you just made that up because people wanted to. Like, there's no way these guys relate to each other, but they [expletive] they said it, they published a book officially, so I guess it's a thing.

[8:19] They do what they want.

[8:20] So I don't even know where this one falls. I I think it's like somewhere on one of the three timelines, but we're not clear because it's [expletive], because it's not real.

[8:29] Right. But they made it so, and someday Nat One Presents will be powerful enough that we can just say whatever we want, and it'll just happen.

[8:37] Yeah, I look forward to having like that podium and then really just putting statements out that I think have no meaning whatsoever, and then people just losing their mind. Yeah, and then of course, you know, we will get cancelled. I'm calling it. I call it season one, I'll call it season two. If we ever get up there, we will get cancelled, no doubt. Most likely from something you say, but also from me just kind of agreeing with it or not really doing anything about it, or even occasionally saying pretty crazy stuff myself. So for a liberal, anyway.

[9:07] We'll see. It may not be today, but it will happen eventually.

[9:11] It will happen. Nay,

[9:13] looking back, you know, I'm a little nostalgic. Daft Monks is coming. Well, it's not the show is not coming to an end, but this arc, this whole season has been about Van Helsing and Trevor Belmont, and it's about to end. Do you have any like favorite moments from their adventure?

[9:27] Ooh, that's tough. I like the penguin when he knocked over all of his bits and bobbles out of his case.

[9:35] So random.

[9:36] I liked the clowns, and there's certain part in the clown episode that I like, like the scaring of the children I really enjoyed.

[9:44] Um when you flogged that girl. Yeah. And you like go into great detail about how to whip a child. I thought that was Yeah, that was classic.

[9:53] And then the same episode when I uh killed that clown and I was whispering terrible things in his ear, and then Chris was like, Oh, he's already dead, and I'm like, exactly.

[10:02] Yeah, that was that's a great movie. So that's a lot from actually season one, not not as much from season two.

[10:08] Ooh, well, there was a last episode, I think that's the hardest we've both laughed in a long time, when the stair chair turned into a rascal scooter, the ATV.

[10:21] It does that too. I really did enjoy the episode in Grocer Burger. So, like, obviously, when I first come up with the name, and then when we just lost it when we talked about going to pick up groceries at the Grocer Burger grocery market, and then you just went on a rant, and then you bought a t-shirt with its name. Like the whole episode for like 15 minutes just became about the street signs in Grocer Burger. That was a good one. And then also, it still was also like the dinner was super ridiculous, too. Yeah. Um, I I think uh the sheer amount of like characters we tried to perform that night was interesting.

[10:54] And then, like, I I kind of had an idea of where we wanted to take the characters, but I didn't come up with names until you sprung on me that the Russian chick had a whole group named. I'm like, well, now they all need gang names. So I'm like, oh man, what am I gonna come up with? So three toed, three things slingers and turnbuckle teddies, all T-words.

[11:13] Also, in the last episode, you were talking about how like I'm sister number 123 because they didn't give us names, and you said something like the church or whatever, and it's like this whole time you thought the Soviet sisters are actually like are you imagining these are like religious women?

[11:27] Yes, like Russian dominatrix, non-assassins.

[11:31] I really love all the random well, I think one of my favorite things. I I know we talk a lot about what we like about our show, which is so obnoxious, but it's true. Uh, you gotta enjoy the process, right? Otherwise, why do it? But I think one of my favorite things is a lot of statements we say that are just meant to be like in the moment funny, become like entire concepts, like the pregnant donkey, the animality, like these are all just random things we said in the moment, and it just we're like this is it now. We just run like we beat the hell out of these jokes. Hair gerbils, hair gerbils, yeah. It's just so ridiculous.

[11:31] And uh, I I like you know, I I like that we aren't afraid to just throw something out there and then run with it.

[12:11] So yeah, that's my favorite part.

[12:13] Well, Nate, I as reluctant as I am, all good things must come to an end. And I think it is time for us to finish this. Let's do it. It has begun! Free gem.

[12:29] The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us. Or to one. In our heart are not in our favor. It's in as if all the hope is lost.

[12:46] I wouldn't quite say probably misplaced something along those lines. But either way, not full of singing and here to save you.

[13:03] Last time on whatever show this is D hunters, daft monks, whatever. It doesn't matter, it's the end. This is it. But on the last episode, there we were, braving the bravery that was brave. We made it to town, Hershey Burger, Hershey Burger. But then, out of the horizon, a large tower, a beacon, if you will. Okay, it was actually the sun god's tower. It was rising up from the ground. I've seen it before, I lived there for an occasion, but it's fine. And then the Russian dame split off to go do Russian dame [expletive], and then I didn't really pay attention, you know, obviously I wasn't there. But then let me tell you about the stairs. The stairs. There was a lot, but we I easily bypassed it. I'm in great shape.

[13:03] This is my memories, this is how I'm reliving it. Nobody judge me. And then we ran into bingo's hyenas, I think. Maybe, possibly, it could happen. I don't know. But then the donkey came back and started helping the Russian sisters. The end. Or not yet, but it will be. Back to you guys.

[14:04] Right. So I think where we're gonna pick up today, Nate, is the Soviet sisters traveling with the kind of bloodied donkey, are heading to the Sun Tower, or the ones that didn't stay behind to help Ghost Dad fight the Serpentine soldiers. They're rushing to the tower to go help Van Helsing, Trevor Belmont, and Naya. And as they're approaching the Sun Temple, the donkey starts to slow down and start to like tremble, and then it kinda collapses, and the sisters turn around. Sisters, wait, something is wrong with the pregnant donkey. Van Helsing has a strong attachment to this donkey, so we should take a look.

[14:41] What do you think could be wrong with it?

[14:44] Do we have a doctor here?

[14:46] Guten Tag, I am a doctor.

[14:49] Yeah, sister doctor. Very glad you joined our party. I need you, sister doctor, to look at this donkey and see what is going on.

[14:59] Oh, sehr good, sehr gut. Out of my way.

[15:07] And it's like stomach is like expanded. Water is kind of like almost like it's water broke. I don't know what donkey pregnancy looks like, Nate. But uh the [expletive] German doctor can clearly tell. Sister Doctor can observe that this donkey is going to labor.

[15:21] Number 1. This donkey's having a baby. That's my business. How Veteran.

[15:28] Wait, somebody needs to help this boy donkey. Fine, I'll do it. And she like pushes the doctor away, and she like pulls out some like black leather gloves she has. And she is like, okay, donkey. Bush.

[15:41] He haw.

[15:44] That goes on back and forth, and finally, after some horrendous donkey screams, which we will not try to imitate on that monk's.

[15:50] Not now.

[15:52] Finally, something starts to poke through, and Anna's like, Oh my god.

[15:57] What is that thing?

[16:01] And then uh ghost head like suddenly like appears. I am taking care of this. What is that?

[16:09] Everyone's getting sick looking at it. Run away. I'm gonna run from the bumpy. I understand the one that's gonna get out of this bumpy.

[16:21] This is an abomination that should be slain. However, I will let it meet its maker. It is not my place to decide if this lives or dies. And then as soon as it says that, it like crawls out of the pregnant donkey, which is probably dead now, I'm gonna imagine, from birthing this thing.

[16:39] Oh no!

[16:41] And then some like gross, like veiny like wings sprout out of this thing, and then it just lifts off and like begins to fly into the sky. And it cuts off. Yeah. Okay, so we're gonna cut back now. We left Naya, Van Helsing, and Trover Belmont at the peak of the stairwell in the Sun Temple, as Van Helsing went to ram the door with his rascal. The doors automatically opened and revealed this golden shining room where seated atop a elevated throne is Bingo in glistening white light. Van Helsing and his prodigal sons. You made it.

[17:23] Yes, of course we did. And guess what? I took the stairs.

[17:27] You hear like a and then like off to the left, an elevator door opens. Son of a [expletive]! And you see Ginger come out with the three uh hyenas. Headah!

[17:40] You lazy cow ginger! You didn't tell me there was an elevator. When was that installed?

[17:47] It's not what it seems, Van Helsing. I know what you're thinking right now, and it's not true, okay?

[17:52] I'm thinking you could have used the stairs is what I'm thinking. But carry on, what are you doing with those terrible animals?

[18:00] I know that it looks like I'm working with Bingo, and in a sense I have been. Giving him information on your whereabouts and what we've been doing. But I do love you, Van Helsing. I think we could share a life together. And if you just join Bingo and I, we can we can be a family. You, me, Uncle Bingo, and the three hyenas. We can start a family together.

[18:25] I'm sorry, Ginj, I didn't hear a single word you said with all that [expletive] pouring out of your mouth. I couldn't comprehend a single syllable of whatever it is you're talking about. All I know is you didn't use the stairs. And that makes me angry.

[18:42] Bingo, come down from there. You are no god. We're here to unseat you in your unholy rule. And where is my brother, you villain? Oh, you mean Chip? He's right here. And he like stands up and moves aside and like tied to the bottom of the throne and gagged is Chip. Bingo like pulls out the like the scarf out of his mouth, whatever, is like, what's that, Chip? You're doing perfectly fine, and everything is going to my plan, and you're totally comfortable with everything we're doing?

[19:14] Naya, get out of here! He's got a big thing.

[19:19] That's enough of that. So, you've come all the way up here, and I'm guessing not to join me. Th that is correct.

[19:27] We will not be joining you. Yes, exactly what my son Naya said. There's no possible way that me and my two sons and my rascal scooter and my still alive pregnant donkey down all these stairs would ever join you, Bingo.

[19:43] We, three Van Helsings, are here to stop you. Very well. Van Helsing, if you will not join me, I will destroy you, and your family, and your precious donkey too. And then I will take over the day, banish the night, and Dracula's rule, and live on for eternity. He cuts over to Van Helsing, and he's writing down everything that Bingo's saying.

[20:13] You know me. They call me ATV for short. I'm kind of a big deal. I also have an ATV that I cruise around in, but that's neither here nor there. It is my job to inform you that Bingo, the mastermind behind Bingo, you know, Express LLC. He is going to do something awful. He's going to get away from the night forever. Shut it down. Nothing but daylight. That sounds terrible for you. Absolutely terrible. Um, you should probably send somebody to stop him or something. He's pretty strong. I mean, my battery's pretty charged. I could go for a while, but I don't know how much longer I could battle him. You know, I'm getting old. Even though I'm immortal, so technically I'm not. It's neither here nor there.

[20:13] I'm sorry this is such a long letter, Dracula. Um, XOXO ATV.

[21:06] Uh I want to say you like seal it out of like stuff in an envelope and seal it, and then you hand it off to a rat, and the rat like scurries to the edge of and you guys are on like the roof of the sun tower, and the rat just like jumps off the edge, and you're like, oh Jesus. And then suddenly uh like like a raven is like holding the rat, holding the letter, and just like flying away towards Dracula's castle.

[21:26] What the hell is that been missing? That's a little something I like to call teamwork. You can learn a lot from me. I know lots of these tricks. Like you train an animal, and then you only do train that one animal, but then come to find out somebody else has been training another type of animal, and then you like send a correspondence, and then you know you team up together. Double team.

[21:47] Oh, I think Bingo's finishing his rant. Okay, that's Gabeka. I will ascend to the crowd, the peak of the kingdom, and rule the day.

[21:56] I hate to break it to you, Bingo, but you will never be a god. Because, well, I tried, and it's not really all it's cracked up to be. It's a lot of sitting, a lot of stairs. You'll hate it, trust me.

[22:10] We shall see. And he turns around, and then he like looks. Over to the like left over at Ginger by the elevator and the hyenas. Keep them busy while I open the portal to the sun god. And then uh he like lifts up like the head of that turnbuckle teddy that had helped you the other episode. I don't remember his name. I don't think we gave him a name. No. And he like holds the head up and he like starts chanting in some forward language. Naya understands something about sacrifice and opening the portal, and the warriors of 40 plus have succumbed and made tribute to your grand power and to bestow upon Bingo the almighty power of the day and the sun. Um and he just starts like chanting and so on and so forth.

[22:10] Please reconsider Dal. I don't want to do this to you.

[22:59] Not now. In fact, Ginj, it'd be a shame if you didn't make it out of this alive. Because I'd like to kill you personally, one-on-one. I could never love you, Ginj. Remember that forever. Okay? Like, seriously, remember that.

[23:13] If you won't love me as I am, then gonna have to make you. And then she uh does like a whistle. Roy, G, and Biv! Get 'em!

[23:24] That's what you named the hyenas?

[23:26] Yes, I don't know. It needed to be in threes, right? I mean, what like what what else was I gonna do?

[23:31] I don't know, like L Larry Curly Moe? Because they're the hyenas.

[23:36] Damn, that is actually a lot better. [expletive]. Lock stock and barrel. I guess there was a lot of options. Anyway, get them! With that, the three hyenas begin to approach, and also Ginger takes out some kind of I don't know what do you think ginger fights with?

[23:55] Ooh, a big salami. Salami numchucks! She has salami numchucks!

[24:03] Ginger takes out a pair of what can only be described as salami numchucks and uh begins swinging them around. With that, Trevor Belmont looks over at Van Housing and I and he says, I don't really think this needs all three of us, or even two of us. Who wants to deal with with ging and the hyenas?

[24:24] The quicker we deal with this, the quicker I can save my brother. So I shall defeat these hyenas and ginge. And I will defeat Bingo with my rascal scooter.

[24:37] What the hell am I gonna do? It honestly doesn't even seem like any of you need any help.

[24:41] Well, I don't know. You're pretty good to look at. You can do some spin moves or something cool, you know. Help Naya, he's your brother, after all. I I mean I'm not like the perfect father, but I think maybe I it's up to you.

[24:54] Alright, fine. Naya, I'll take care of Ginger, and you deal with the hyenas. And Dad, should we really leave Dad to deal with the guy summoning the sun god? Too late, I'm on my way!

[25:07] And then he's just slowly putting up a ramp.

[25:12] Uh immediately the three hyenas like lurch forward, and one like lunges over at Naya, and Belmont's like, Look up, Naya, put ya!

[25:21] Thanks, brother. And he instantly lops its head off with his newfound marble, cool, badass axe thing with the gold inlays and [expletive]. It was described perfectly last episode. You should go back and listen to it. It's a badass weapon, and it instantly cleaved the head of this hyena.

[25:39] The other two hyenas, like, both look at this occur, and then they change direction and lunge towards uh Belmont. And he's like, oh [expletive], oh my god, it's a squip. And he like, you know, like takes like a stab, like goes in a direction, and the hyena jumps out of the way, and the other one jumps, and now like they're trying to do this like pincer thing, and he's like, Last minute plans, Naya. Looks like I have the other two hyenas. You take care of ginger.

[26:01] Don't worry, I have a plan for this. And he bum rushes ging and pushes her down onto one of the other hyenas and crushes it.

[26:10] Ginge is fine though. She gets up and she's like, Ah.

[26:14] The hyena, the last hyena, looks over at ginger, looks over at Naya, and then just runs to the edge and jumps off of the tower.

[26:23] Where he's instantly picked up by another crow. They just ride off into the sunset for later. Okay.

[26:35] Obviously, I'm not the only one who's been doing correspondence for teamwork exercises. That hyena had a crow the entire time.

[26:45] Are you done commentating on the the crows? Father, we've already cleaned up Ginger and the hyenas. Have you even engaged Bingo yet? He's just chanting up there.

[26:54] It's taking me a while. This thing's top speed is five miles an hour. So I figured on the way up I might as well be observant and see my surroundings. You've got to be [expletive] me. Belmont! There's a Herscheburger sign up here. These guys are quick.

[27:11] Oh, father, don't even bother. We'll take care of it. And then, as like interrupting him before you finish the statement, you hear another. And we are gonna do a cut away for a sec. And we're at Dracula's castle. And uh, so Igor comes limping into Dracula's like throne room, and he's like, Dracula, you have a letter from Van Helsing.

[27:33] Very good. What could it pertain to?

[27:37] Do you want me to read it for you?

[27:40] Yes, please. Read it to me. Dear Dracula, it is I, Abraham Timothy Van Helsing. Um, XOXO ATV.

[27:53] Master, I I think Bingo is trying to betray you in resurrecting the Sun Tower. I can see that, you idiot. Well, that was very harsh, Master. I just read you the letter that you said.

[28:04] He gives you a look. Like, I'm sorry.

[28:08] What are we going to do, Master?

[28:11] Let us summon the castle closer to Hershey Berg's referration. That way we can get a bird's eye view of what is about to happen.

[28:24] So we're this is not what I expected, but all right. So we're gonna cut back and then you start hearing we're on the sun tower again. In the background, while like they're fighting the hyenas, you hear this like loud, like grumbling noise, and a castle like teleports in. And we're gonna say it's about 30 meters. 30 yards away. Just kidding, just kidding. Uh, but it's like it's like stupidly close. So like the castle is just like over there, and just like awkwardly, you just see like Dracula like in a window. And it's like daytime. Um, so it's like well, you know, it's like well shaded. Yeah, it's tinted. But Dracula, you just see Dracula like in a window, like staring at them. And somehow they don't notice this while they're fighting Ginger at night.

[29:05] But I noticed. Holy [expletive]! Belmont, you're not gonna believe it. It's Dracula's castle. And the street workers for Hersterbugger are already up there putting up signs. I can't believe how good they are at their job.

[29:19] Ugh, we don't have to worry, they can't come out in the sunlight. So they can watch as we kill Bingo, and then we'll go take care of them. Win [expletive] win, Dad.

[29:28] I don't know. I see Dracula, he looks menacing. Considering I'm only going five miles an hour and I'm still only halfway to Bingo, I can see his eyes through the tinted glass, and he's like, he's looking at us, you know, like he's doing something.

[29:42] He like looks down like you okay, so now it's so stupid. I can't- I'm gonna have to edit this to make it like coherent, but you just see like Dracula like lean down and whispers something in Igor's ear, and then he like mischievously like does the like hand rubbing thing, and like they have a plot, and then you see Igor like limp away, and Dracula turns around, like, gives you the finger, and then just like walks away.

[30:05] Son of a [expletive]! He's not even gonna stay and watch. I think with my years of experience, he was hungry, and he asked his cohort for a sandwich. So he's probably gonna leave soon, Belmont. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Nothing bad could possibly happen at this point.

[30:19] So then we cut back for it, and the elevator opens, and [expletive] it is a naked with like a bunch of bruises and like scars all over him and a glazed over look. Blade.

[30:31] I know we're fighting ging right now, but there's a rather rugged looking naked man in the elevator, kind of eyeballing you in your jacket, Belmont.

[30:41] Wait, what are you talking about there? Oh my god, Blade, you're alive! Do you want your jacket back? Looks a little drafty over there.

[30:49] He's not saying anything, and he has a glazed look in his eye, like he's hungry? Maybe he's maybe he's hungry.

[30:57] Jesus, I can't stop looking at his junk.

[31:00] It's very decayed and almost looks like it's falling off at this point.

[31:05] And yet it's still bigger than mine. Ugh, thanks, Dad.

[31:08] You're welcome! The gift that keeps on giving.

[31:11] Blade, are you okay here? Let me go. And then like Belmont takes off the trench coat that he stole from him many episodes ago that apparently he's been wearing this whole time. And he goes to like cover through like throw the jacket around blade, you know, like as if he's cold or something. And Blade grabs his hand. And he looks like turns his head slowly to look Belmont in the eyes, and he's like, kill me, Draculus slave.

[31:36] Oh, that sounds tough. I heard that all the way up here.

[31:41] Yes, where is that exactly, Fen Hensing?

[31:43] I'm on my way. This rascal, you know. Only five miles an hour.

[31:48] You know what I imagine? Like, it's not necessarily that the elevation was high, but like the throne is like it's like a spiral ramp. Going around in this like obnoxious like spiral cone trying to get to the top.

[32:05] It's so tightly wound that he has to like duck his head on the rap scooter to continue on.

[32:14] Who designed this?

[32:16] A madman. You did Van Helsing! You thought it would be fun to have a slide! Shut up, tall square! You're such a square. Okay, Dad, well, speed it up here.

[32:28] Now we have a demon blade uh who's about to rip off my [expletive] hand. Naya, can I have a little help here?

[32:33] Hold on, I'm almost done taking care of Ginj. She's unaffected by my punches.

[32:38] Naya, I'm of no threat. You've already killed my hyenas, and I'm madly in love with Ben Helsing. Leave me to be, and the biggest punishment I can deal with right now is his rejection.

[32:49] Run to the man that you love, while me and my brother defeat this Demon Blade. You mean it? That's kinda cool name, Demon Blade. I might save that for later, Demon Blade. What what were you saying, Jin? Sorry, I got caught up in my own monologuing. Do you really mean it? Oh, sure. Yeah, he loves you too. Get out of here, Scram. It looks like there's actually a really nice ladder that takes you directly to the top. It's only like 30 feet up there. It shouldn't be that hard to get up there. You'll probably beat Van Helsing up there, really.

[33:21] Naya! And you look over and Demon Blade is holding uh [expletive] Belmont like by the throat off of the edge.

[33:29] Oh, time to go. Morning star!

[33:33] And before you can even finish, Blade just lets go of Belmont. It's like, no!

[33:40] My brother! Wait, which brother am I trying to save here? There's I'm having some inner turmoil here. Hold on, Demon Blade. I really need to think about this. Do I dive down and save my brother who's falling off of this large sun tower, or do I climb up and try to save my actual my old you know brother?

[34:00] Before we do that, we have another flashback. We're going to jump back to a flashback of Van Helsing's. And he's with the Alchemist again. Uh, Herr Gerbils, as as apparently we've named him. And uh it's one of the earlier visits before their last visit. Hello Van Helsing, I uh I have to be honest, I I know you've done a lot for me in all my tests, and not everything's gone to plan. Then I wanted to give you something to know that I do actually care, and I am trying to help you.

[34:29] Well, I appreciate that, Doc. Can I call you Doc? Of course, I always call you Doc. Now, if anybody's ever told me anything, it's always two somethings are better than one something. So feel free to give me two somethings.

[34:41] Uh okay, well, I also have this other thing in my pocket. I'll take it. Here's the vial of adrenaline. But this is what I actually wanted to give you, Van Hessing. It is well, this is a vial that, when injected into the woman of your dreams, it contains your DNA. If I can never restore a child for you, or give you back your fertility so you can foster one with a woman. The old-fashioned way. Yes, yes, the old-fashioned way. Button in the oven type of deal.

[35:06] Yes.

[35:07] If you can never actually get that function back, what you can do is use this fire to inject the female with something of your DNA that will essentially be your child. I see.

[35:18] That sounds lovely.

[35:19] And this other one was adrenaline? Yes, uh you said you wanted two things, and that's just what I have on there, so yeah, just shoot that into something, and it'll give you a hell of a sudden rush of strength and ability to maybe jump over obstacles or something like that.

[35:31] Perfect. Well, first things first, it's not going to fit in my tiny little pants pocket. So I'm gonna take off these labels, and then rush and roulette them around a bit, and then I'm gonna go ahead and put those in my pocket. I appreciate it. They're safe in there.

[35:45] That sounds exciting, and I stopped caring a long time ago. Ready for the next test? I hope you like loose skin, and then it cuts out. Okay, so it cuts back. Naya is over there having like contemplating, like, kind of confused about which brother he needs to save, and then suddenly rising from below the tower is Belmont. And he's like, Thanks, guys! Thanks for saving me. I totally didn't almost just follow to my death just now.

[36:16] Oh Belmont, I'm glad you're safe. That really puts less of a burden on me. I had a choice to make, and I buckled, and I'm sorry.

[36:24] No, you didn't buckle, you made a choice. You chose not to rescue me, so you chose your other half-brother, who's not even your real brother.

[36:31] Technically, I didn't move from this spot, and I actually sat down for a second because I was overwhelmed with anxiety of who I was going to save. Forget that.

[36:41] How do you think I'm just floating here off the tower?

[36:44] I honestly have no clue.

[36:45] Spoiler alert, it's [expletive] insane. And as he says as he says that, he starts to like rise up. And Nate, can you describe what Belmont is like standing on top of?

[36:58] This, born from pregnant donkey, whose name has not been decided because nobody voted on the poll, is a chimera of sorts. It has the face of ATV, Abraham Timothy Van Helsing, but it has the body kind of of a lion that's been laced with a gift, and also has kind of loose flappy skin a little bit, and it has a long scorpion-like tail, but at the tip of the tail is a head of a cobra. And then it also has some other parts and pieces that look like different parts of animals, but more than likely, you really get like if Van Helsing dressed up like the cowardly lion from Wizard of Oz, like that is its face. But like really derpy looking, you know?

[37:52] Um, so Ginger looks over, she's like, What the [expletive] is that?

[37:56] Oh my god. Another monster sent straight from the depths of hell. Are you not slaying it, brother? Or what what you're just riding that thing that looks a little bit like father?

[38:10] Let's just say I think we have another brother. Demon Blade ever so slightly turns his head and it's just like it just opens his mouth a little bit and just from the left side vomit drips out. So you know he's like still in there a little bit, and he's enough, there's enough of his soul still in there to be disgusted by whatever the [expletive] Belmont is riding.

[38:31] There's a little twinge in his eye, and he almost wants to override Dracula's thing by killing this terrible monster that's now in front of him. I think he's kinda handsome. Just a little bit, you know, like in like a cowardly kind of way. Like he's very brutish, you know, with that beard.

[38:49] Bingo starts to like finish his chant, and he's like, he turns around and he's like, and uh, what the [expletive] is that? It just screeches like Bet you weren't expecting that, Bingo. Van Helsing and his three prodigal sons. Or two sons and whatever the [expletive] this abomination is.

[39:12] Yeah, I don't quite own that yet. I I have to really be pushed to the edge. It took at least six episodes for me to believe that you two boys were my sons. This thing's not gonna show up on day one, and I'm gonna be like, oh, I love you, you know.

[39:26] You're outnumbered, Bingo. Van Helsing is almost at the peak of this thing. You can't stop four Van Helsing's.

[39:34] It's true. I'm almost at the top. That's the that's the true part. I'm almost there. Just wait a little longer.

[39:43] He's like, no matter. I have done it. When he looks over at Van Helsing, well, he tries to. Van Helsing's like keeps kinda like rotating around, so he's just kind of like turning his head the whole time. But he uh Van Helsing, what was that thing we used to pedal back in Sri Lanka? Do you remember?

[40:01] How can I forget?

[40:03] Snake oil. It was the worst thing ever. Good memory. For old time's sake. How about we take one more snake oil bath, shall we? No, let's not. Oh, but you liked it so much, getting naked and oiling each other up in snake oil.

[40:19] You said it was natural. You said that lots of dudes do it. You tricked me. It was very weird.

[40:24] It's over, Van Helsing. Say goodbye. And he holds up the like a fairly large, uh, what just call it like an orb of snake oil, and he crushes it with his hands, like with like glass shards going into his hands and everything, and the snake oil begins to like drip down him. And then he like begins chanting one more time. A portal had been forming behind him, and out from it, light begins to bathe around Bingo, and he begins to glow brighter and brighter and brighter, and then he bursts into flames, but he doesn't look like he's in any paint. And the flames aren't like red or blue, they're just golden flames. Now I have the power of the sun.

[41:04] Do you though? Like, really? Because like my scooter's still going strong.

[41:10] He like looks over at Ginger and just blasts, like, shoots like a ray of golden fire, and it just bursts through her chest, and she collapses and falls to the ground.

[41:20] Ging!

[41:21] Now, do you believe me?

[41:23] Uh believe you about what? Hold on, I'm almost there. Let me get eye to eye with you. Just wait a couple more seconds.

[41:30] So Bingo puts out his hands and in his like golden aura and his golden flaming aura. Yay. We're gonna go with that. Anyway, he begins to like float into the air, just like levitate, and then he floats down like down to the bottom, like off of that platform that Van Helsing has been like circling for a good like 20 minutes.

[41:54] Well, son of a [expletive]!

[41:55] Bingo, I have something to tell you. I can't believe you would break my heart. You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the darkness, not join them. You'd bring balance to the daytime, not leave it in sunlight goodiness all over.

[42:12] I hate you.

[42:14] You were my brother, Bingo! I loved you. It's over, Bingo. I have the high ground.

[42:21] You underestimate my power. Don't try it. Ginger just like turns her head slowly with her last breath. Do it!

[42:34] Bingo, you have allowed this darkness inside of you to twist your mind until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy. Don't lecture me, Van Helsing.

[42:45] I do not fear you or the vampires. I don't fear the darkness. I will bring peace, freedom, and justice and security to my new empire. Your new empire? Don't make me kill you. Bingo!

[43:00] My allegiance is to my donkey, to democracy!

[43:06] If you're not with me, then you're my enemy, and he starts to like grow brighter.

[43:12] Only a vampire deals in absolutes, and I draw my weapon.

[43:17] You will try.

[43:28] Not now, demon blade. We have a battle to commence, but thank you for noticing. I can't hold back.

[43:35] Prepare to die. And he takes out uh what does Blade play with a sword? Spoiler, I've never seen Blade movies.

[43:43] I've never seen Blade So Blade does have a sword. It is actually kind of cool because it has a special dial on it. So if he were to ever lose the blade in combat, um, and somebody else picks it up, if the dial's not reset every so often, spikes come out and will actually chop off the user's hand.

[44:04] Okay.

[44:05] Super cool.

[44:06] I'm sure it was in the early two thousands. Blade takes out his signature sword with a dial on it and quickly winds it back. Yes. Don't want this to go off.

[44:17] You don't want this to go off, Demon Blade. And he's like still back, he's backing up now, his rascal down. He's a little bit more treacherous. Going under first.

[44:28] And the battle actually commences, everybody gets serious. So, Belmont riding on top of the the the Van Helsing Chimera. He swoops down and uh tries to attempt to strike him with his whip, but uh it just kind of like phases through like it's a kind of like uh fire. It's like fire, like trying to hit fire with a whip, it just kind of flips through and then it comes back and it's like melted some of the like chain because it's I'm imagining it's like a chain link kind of like like thing. And like some of it's actually melted. Look out! Ben Helsing, Naya, he truly is as hot as the sun. Hmm.

[45:03] I don't know about that.

[45:05] It's true. If he has the sun god's powers, there's nothing we can do now to thwart him. Let's just go home.

[45:12] Not with that attitude, brother.

[45:14] Well then what are we supposed to do? And I'm as Naya's saying this, he's still like dodging attacks from Blade and [expletive]. Like Oh, jeez. We need to do something about one of these two. Maybe let's kill this demon blade. And then after that we can go battle Bingo all together, right? Like a nice 80s style movie.

[45:33] Okay, but Ven Helsing, I really need you to get down here. This really is kinda serious. He just literally blasted a [expletive] hole through Gincha's test. Okay, can you do something about Bingo? You know him better than we do, alright? And he doesn't seem willing to kill you yet, in some sick, twisted way.

[45:49] Hold on! There was a rock. It got caught under one of my wheels. God damn it! It got stuck. I'm high-centered. Let me get out.

[45:58] Belmont redirects the chimera down and begins, like, cracking his whip towards Demon Blade. You know, Naya, we wouldn't have had to fight this guy if you didn't let Dracula murder him instead of the other way around. We could have had a third monster hunter competent enough to fight a sun god.

[46:15] I don't even know this guy. I have no idea what you're talking about. I've never met Demon Blade before.

[46:19] No, you met Actual Blade. He's the guy. Remember when you threw me out the window and then we surfed on this guy's face down the side of Dracula's tower and into a moat, and then I stripped him of his clothes? Because you told me to?

[46:30] This is obviously a different man. I can't believe you'd go there, brother. Having a brother being me, of dark colored skin, you think all these people look alike? Like what is what like let's get down to this, Belmont. What are you really trying to say here? This is obviously a different man.

[46:46] Pay attention, as Demon Blade almost gets close enough to Naya to cut maybe like the hair on his face.

[46:53] Yeah, his one chin hair gets cut. His one chin, yeah.

[46:56] Hey, I was growing that. This is serious, brother. We need to act in unison. Together. Jump on the Khmer. I don't know. That thing looks kinda ugly. Team Helsing go! And it like swoops down and tries to just it just picks you up with its like weird [expletive] like talon things.

[47:13] It looks like rat tails. Yeah. In one of its hands, like long gangly fingers, nose for at two fingers.

[47:20] Just like wraps around his arm, like tentacle-like.

[47:22] Naya throws up a little bit.

[47:24] Okay, I'll control the Camaro. The Camaro will swing down, and you take a strike at Demon Blade. You won't be able to handle this triple threat. Alright, then together, a lot like Voltron, let's do this. Meanwhile, Bingo turns around and he says. He like starts like charging up, and you see him like put his hands out at Van Helsing's children, and he's like, Time to die.

[47:48] No! And then I turn my scooter and just drive off the edge, going straight towards Bingo.

[47:57] So you uh it doesn't it's obviously not going fast enough to like lift off. So it just like falls over the edge and you just kind of like collapse onto the ground. But it is enough for Bingo to be like, what are you doing, Van Hilsing? He like stops and turns. Join me, you know you're not a hero. Your children are misguided, but I know the real you, Van Helsing. This is what you are meant to be. Not not a sun god, I'm meant to be the sun god, but you are meant to do my bidding. I need a right hand man. I had ginger, and look how well that went. I need you, Van Helsing, just like good old times. And he puts his hand out. Join me.

[47:57] You know you care more about your life than anyone else's, including your three sons combined, which would look probably something like the chimera.

[48:48] Van Helsing, for once in his life, is really contemplating his life decision. He looks at Bingo's hand, glowing and radiant, and it actually looks very welcoming and warm. But then he looks over at his children, even the ugly chimera thing, battling Demon Blade.

[49:08] I imagine it looks like Van Helsing, but it's like face is like really [expletive] up. Like it's not just the face of Van Helsing, it's like if like Van Helsing's like got like distorted.

[49:17] Yeah.

[49:17] Like smushed against a glass a little bit.

[49:21] I'm afraid, Bingo, that I cannot. And I stand up and write my rascal scooter and get back on it. This battle, it must end now.

[49:35] Then, out of respect for you, old friend, I will kill you before your children.

[49:40] It's been a long time coming. I'm sorry, dear friend, but you will die today. Rat Army assemble!

[49:52] You say the line, Rat Army assembles, and they rush out of like the elevator and all the different like the stairwell, the elevator, and they begin to like swarm around you, and then you just kind of like have you seen Batman Ninja? Yes, yeah, you know how like just out of bats it makes like a Voltron thing? Yes, like that actually happens with Van Helsing, and you like start getting taller and they just swarm around you, and they're they're all they're completely around you except for your face, and that's what I'm imagining your state is right now.

[50:19] This is what I've been training for my whole life, my long, long life. To make a mech out of rats, just to battle you, bingo. Naya, I think he did it. I think he did uh animality. Naya looks over. No, that is that is not it. Not at all. And then realizing that he's still covered in the worm tail claws, he throws up again.

[50:44] Well he's doing something, and he's he's off that rascal finally, so that buys us time. That's how we haven't finished off Demon Blade, and I'm over there like so instead of trying to like strike and like take down Blade, because he's not able to do that, brother, trust me. And he wraps his whip around Demon Blade's leg and then jumps off of the chimera, off of the tower, and begins to drag [expletive] Demon Blade off of the tower.

[51:08] And then Naya is still in the claws of the chimera?

[51:11] Yes. Brother! It's okay, help father, use the power. You are a sun god. It's not about who your father is, or the weapon that you acquired downstairs. You have a sun god inside of you. Channel that and help father. You can do it. Save the day. How long are you falling? Good luck! And with that, he pulls Demon Blade off along with him. As he's pulling Demon Blade off of the edge, Demon Blade takes his sword and like throws it at the Chimera and it stabs the Chimera in the chest. Not like fatal, but the Chimera like comes down and is wounded and like lands on top of Ginger.

[51:11] As soon as that happens, Demon Blade, like, because he was using the sword to kind of like stay into the tower, he like gets like dragged off the edge, and both Belmont and Demon Blade presumably fall to their death.

[52:05] It'll be okay, little chimera. You get some rest. Sit on this lumpy, lumpy pig lady. I need to end this. It's my fight. But first I need to free Chip. Huh. In one jump, Naya goes from ground level up to where Bingo was. And then he uh starts to untie and ungag Chip. Don't worry, brother. I'll have you untie it very shortly. Yes, yes, I missed you too. No, no, calm down. You know what? Maybe I won't take this gag out. How about that? What do you think about that? I'm still your big brother. You know what? You keep this up, I'm gonna hop back down there. And then Naya unties Jeff. Alright, Pingo. It's over now. How about a good old-fashioned sucker punch? But from a fist made completely of rats.

[53:04] I'd like to see you try. No, really, I literally would like to see what happens when a fistful of rats complied with the power of the sun.

[53:13] Well, this is it. I'm gonna try it right here. Are you are you ready?

[53:17] Yeah, okay, here we go.

[53:18] What's that over there? Uh what's that? Sucker punch!

[53:22] And it just phases right through, and a bunch of rats like fall off their hand and like scurry away. Oh, you got me!

[53:29] Ha ha ha. Well, I didn't see that coming. But did you see this coming? Ben Helsing just looks over to the side hoping that something's gonna be there, and it's really just empty space. Jin just laying on the ground broken with a chimera sitting on her.

[53:45] Like, oh, yes, did you see that? Now if you are done playing games, Ben Helsing. And he begins to like charge up, and it gets brighter and brighter. And then it kinda dimmer. And it's almost like he's like, oh, that's embarrassing. Um, hold on, let me try this again. And then he's like starting to get brighter again, and then it's like flickering, and now it looks like a light bulb that's like going out. It's like flickering on and off. It's like, what's going on?

[54:10] Bingo, how could you? You know I have epileptic seizures. You can't be flashing bright lights in my eyes like that. I could get sick.

[54:18] Silence, Van Hilsing. This isn't time for your [expletive] shenanigans or your pretend take on an animality, which, by the way, I can actually do.

[54:28] My power is Behind Bingo, Naya has officially untied Chip, who is now carrying Naya's axe and pointing it up into the sky, and it seems as if a ray of sunlight is beaming down to Chip, and it seems to be lighting up that axe, but also sucking away some of the light energy from Bingo. I don't know about this man! It's okay, brother. I am here with you. I appreciate it, you know, considering I've been a prisoner for a long time, and you've done nothing but I'm okay now. I've Are you sure I'm the one who's supposed to do this? Of course I am. Carry on. It's father's wish. Your father.

[55:11] I don't even know what that means, but okay.

[55:14] While you're doing all this, Bingo is beginning to panic. He's seeing like some of the light like be like the light is like just fading from him and being like absorbed by the axe and the the kind of like ray of light that shot down. If this isn't gonna go my way, then it will go no one's way. And with what power he has left, he like shoots a beam directly down into like the center of the tower. The tower begins to like shake a little bit.

[55:39] What did you do that for? There's no reason to destroy this nice tower on Hershey Burger Sugar.

[55:45] Bingo like lowers, he stops levitating and lowers to the ground. The light begins to go away, and now instead of him being like luminescent, he looks like a little bit like a burn victim. You've ruined things for the last time, then Helsing. And he like runs over at you and like starts like tussling with you and like grabs you and starts like fighting with you and like kinda like going closer and closer to the edge. Meanwhile, the tower is like saking and rumbling, and it starts to think like anyway, you're getting the vibe. This thing is maybe not as structurally sound as it was.

[56:15] Naya, um have your brother do something. We're not gonna be long up here.

[56:20] And where'd Belmont go? I'm afraid. Brother has fallen.

[56:26] What the [expletive] does that even mean, Naya? He's fallen, fallen where? Fallen down the [expletive] stairs, fallen down the elevator shaft?

[56:34] It's not that hard, Ven Helsing, both literally and figuratively. He had literally fell off the tower, and he has fallen figuratively as in death. He your son is dead, Van Helsing.

[56:44] Shut up, bingo! Nobody's talking to you, bingo!

[56:47] You don't know what it's like having kids. You know, one minute you're playing with them, and the next you're worried about them, and then you're taking them to senior prom and giving them the talk.

[56:55] I know you're older than me, Van Hilsing, but for a while I thought you were my son.

[57:00] That doesn't make any sense. Sucker punch!

[57:04] I'll never fall for a sucker punch, friend. But then the tower jolts towards like in a direction, like it starts leaning and then jolts suddenly, and Bingo slips, and he lets go of Van Helsing and grabs onto the edge. Van Helsing. Now is the time, if there ever was, for you to be a hero. And he like holds up his hand.

[57:25] I don't want to take your hand. I don't know how many times you're gonna offer me that hand.

[57:30] I mean, earlier it looked nice, but now it's- He grabs your leg with that open hand and pulls you down, and now you too are hanging from the edge.

[57:37] And then as this is happening, uh Naya is jumping down, but Chip is screaming, I don't know about this man! It's getting pretty and then he uh envelops in the same energy that Bingo was in.

[57:56] And then I see now with this power that mortals are the enemy here, brother. You have abused my powers for far too long. It's time that I take off and join Father in the Sky. It's up to you now. So, best of luck to you. I love you and stuff. Actually, you know what? I don't love you. I don't have emotions like that anymore. I'm a god! Can you believe it? Look at me now! Well, um, I'm gonna juice up your axe a little bit so you can kill that burn victim down there, and then uh just carry on about your business. Alright. Bye!

[58:36] And that time, Bingo, who is in slightly better shape than uh Van Helsing, Lif is able to like climb back up onto the tower, and he turns to Van Helsing, he's like, Goodbye, old friend, and he goes to like stomp on your foot.

[58:49] Naya, now with a supercharged axe, jumps down and then Tomahawk overhand throws it directly into Bingo's back.

[58:58] Just as he like begins to like stomp his foot down, you hear like and an axe comes through the back of Bingo, like out through the front of his chest. He looks down at Beldenhell saying, It's been a good run, my child. And he begins to like sway forward and then back again and then forward.

[59:19] Wait, Bingo! It has been a good run. We've had a lot of adventures together. Remember that time we were in Cholt for a little bit, and then you left? That was good. And then I left too.

[59:32] Is that still going on?

[59:34] Yes. But we both left. So it went back to that other guy.

[59:41] Cool story, bro. And then he like falls forward and drops into the [expletive] inner grocer bird. And then grumble shake, rumbling, and uh the tower begins to like collapse.

[59:54] Naya, lift me up and carry me all the way down the stairs. My rascal scooter, it was flown off the edge.

[60:03] And as Naya goes to like walk over to like extend that arm out to help his father, the uh tower splits into two and begins to like drift in two different directions. On one side, Van Helsing hanging from one edge, the griffin injured sitting on top of Ginger, and then on the other side, Naya um trying to like keep his balance, but drifting in the completely opposite direction. Before anyone can say anything, Ghost Dead apparates in the center. And he like tries to grab onto the towers, but he like actually just phases through them. [expletive]! He like scoops up Naya, uh, he also scoops up the chimera, and it doesn't make sense because you can only touch adulterers, but um, so he's able to scoop them both up.

[60:03] And then he's like, I don't have enough hands for the dead chick and Van Helsing.

[60:54] Don't worry, I have an idea. And Naya reaches down in the grasps of Ghostat and grabs Ginj by the back of her shirt and just throws her over to Van Helsing's side.

[61:08] Ginger, surprisingly not dead, like turns her head ever so slightly, and she's like, I'll save you, Van Helsing. It's not over yet. And she like extends out her hand and like gently but firmly grabs Van Helsing's hand. We can still live a happy life together.

[61:29] Uh I don't know, Ginj. I'm pretty sure this tower's going down. I think I'm just gonna let go. Best of luck to you, Ginge.

[61:38] Don't be prideful. I la nah.

[61:45] Van Hilsing just lets go and falls into there's all this like because from like the collapsing and the rubble, there's all this like dust and like smoke rising, so you see Van Hilsing fall into the dust of smoke, and that's it. Ghost Dad just kind of like leans down and like like I don't know, just like bites Ginger by the leg. And then like slowly like kind of like apparates down into the ground, and the sun tower comes crumbling down as I was falling.

[62:17] Falling so far. I thought to myself, Self, you've lived a good life. You're falling now because you didn't want to take that fat broad's hand, but hey, you've done worse things, terrible things, but you've also done good things. I've been falling for a while now. This tower is way the [expletive] up here. No wonder there's so many stairs. But yes, I have two children that I love and care about. Three three sons, I have three sons that I love and care about. How can I forget my most favorite wife, pregnant donkey?

[62:49] And suddenly your vision blurs, and then you are in this like celestial realm, and surrounding you is the new sun god Chip, Tallsquare, and then the druid, Greta.

[63:01] Oh my god, I had the craziest dream, and you were there, and you were there, and you were there.

[63:09] Good to see you, Van Helsing! Ah, Tallsquare, you look the same age as when you died that terrible, terrible death.

[63:16] It's not your fault, Van Helsing. I was eager to help, and I made a mistake.

[63:21] It's true, Van Helsing. You can let go, you know, like I have all these powers and stuff now, and it's really great, and everything worked out. I know I only met you for like five seconds on top of that tower when the entire time I was watching you, I was thinking, really, dude, like just climb up here. Like, why are you taking that [expletive] rascal up here and taking so long? I've only been tied up, but that's neither here nor there, man. Like, you're doing great.

[63:42] It's time for you to move on, Van Helsing. We three, including the druid, who doesn't talk a lot, how dang! Have decided that your curse has been lifted. You can move on to the afterlife.

[63:57] It's true, Van Helsing. Just go ahead and just you let go, you know. Like, don't hold on, you know, just let it on go. Pass on through.

[64:05] I don't know what to say. I've been holding on for so long. How dare you! You sit there, Van Helsing. You have learned a lot. A lot about love.

[64:20] Anyways, we can't be doing this all night, druid. Show me the door and I'll walk out.

[64:26] Wait, why are there two doors? Well, Van Helsing, one is the sweet release of death that you've young for so long. But the other is a chance at life. We'll take away your immortality, but you can still live on to grow old with your children.

[64:43] What do you choose, Van Helsing? Uh, those are the only choices I get. I don't get a third option where maybe I come back reincarnated as something more handsome and devilish. Um, let me think about this. I'm gonna open up both doors. Look, just take a peek inside. I'll start with the the life one. What do I see in this door?

[65:03] Hey doll, we're gonna live a long, happy life together.

[65:07] Alright.

[65:08] Time for the sweet embrace of death. Well, it was nice seeing you three in the dream. I'm gonna die now.

[65:16] See you in the afterlife, Van Helsing! And they all like kind of disperse, and the bright light encompasses Van Helsing as he passes through the door. It is now a year in the future. Belmont is with Naya. Groscherberg was definitely devastated. At the end of the battle, Dracula seeing which way this went, the castle just disappeared and disapparated and escaped. It turns out Belmont was caught by Ghostad, Victor, in a final act of fatherly love he could never give him in life. And he is reunited with Naya and the Griffin, all of which fly around trying to scope out and find the remains of Van Helsing, uh, which they never do, unfortunately. However, there's so much like destruction and rubble that they just think he kind of fell into the center of the earth.

[65:16] So they they rebuilt Groscherberger, renamed it something something different to give it a new a new future. And a year later, the three They are back in Beaverland, and they go up to the uh statue of the Oracle. I think Father would be proud of us, Naya. We rebuilt Groshaburger into something better. A beacon of hope for the future. A place where crime is not a factor and people don't fare for their lives, and while there are still vampires, we've kept their bay and limited to the night. And we've we've created a family for the Van Helsing name that you don't use because you're kind of embarrassed, but I take it with pride.

[65:16] I am Trevor Van Helsing, and this is our brother, a hideous chimera, who we definitely don't acknowledge in public, but he can fly us around, which is pretty cool sometimes. You walk into that shed and you see the statue of the Oracle, and next to it is a little dolly. Van Helsing used to make these as a child, or I used to make them as a child. I'm not really sure, but there used to be dollies all around, and funny, huh? Isn't it?

[67:09] It is extremely funny, I guess.

[67:12] That you played with dollies. What a puss. And about my name, it's it's it's a one name thing. It's Naya, you know? It's it's like Cher or Madonna. It's a one name deal, like it's pretty sweet.

[67:24] Anyway, let's pay our respects to the druid and the long legacy she gave to our father, because without her, we would have never been able to be here. He goes down to like put some like flowers or whatever, and then he looks at the doll, and the weird thing about the doll is it is like brand new. It looks like very fresh. He looks down at the doll, and it catches his eye because it actually doesn't look like a little person. It looks like a little stuffed rat. And then there's like another one next to it with like a little pregnant donkey. Huh, that's weird.

[67:51] Very weird. I also found this one over here in the corner that resembled those paintings of your mother with her large voluntuous breasts.

[67:59] She's just a bunch of dolls with big breasts. It couldn't be. And lastly, we will end with one more flashback, and it goes back to once again Van Helsing with uh Herr Gerbils, the alchemist. Alright, Doc.

[68:13] Look, I've been coming in here for a while now, and there's something I gotta get off my chest. But I can't, because my chest is so stretchy. Look at this. I try to peel it off, and I stretch out. I look like a flying squirrel. Explain yourself.

[68:28] That's just it, Van Helsing. You can now glide like a flying squirrel. That elastic skin between your arms and your uh your lats can be extended and, given the right altitude and angle, can let you glide on the wind.

[68:43] Alright, now I'm not a scientist like you, sir. You are far smarter than me, but how the [expletive] is that supposed to work if I'm wearing a shirt? And what about all this loose skin on my thighs?

[68:54] Hmm, that won't work if you wear a shirt, but you got some on your legs too. Maybe maybe you can glide if you take your pants off. Which you do like to do.

[69:03] Yes, I do in fact hate wearing pants.

[69:07] And the last thing you'll see, jumping back to the battle of Grocer Burger, you know that guy who watched the like stuffed ginger like get pushed through a window and was like, what the [expletive]?

[69:18] He's like, Veronica, darling, I say it's time we move out of this town.

[69:23] He's like looking up at the collapsing tower, and then a pair of pants just drop on his head, and he's like, What the [expletive]? And it ends, and that's it. Nate, it's uh we're done. It's over.

[69:38] I can't believe it.

[69:39] Did you ever think it would end quite like this?

[69:43] Definitely not like this at all.

[69:47] I know that we really wanted to leave on a solid story and not wheelchair ATV rascal.

[69:56] We've come a long way to attempting to tell a story and inadvertently ended up just copying the script from Revenge of the Sith.

[70:06] We're getting better.

[70:08] We're getting better. You said you wanted us to prepare more, and we did.

[70:12] You're welcome. So basically, we are ready for Hollywood because we are just regurgitating stuff that's already been made.

[70:19] So I guess to summarize, uh, you're welcome. And Nate, are you ready to tell them what we think Daft Monks season three will be? I think we are. In the future.

[70:31] That is it. That's all you get.

[70:33] The show must go on, as they say. Uh, Nate, we will still be recording a podcast. We will still be calling it Daft Monks, but we will not be following the characters Trevor Belmont, Van Helsinger, and Naya anymore. We will be telling a different story.

[70:48] Ooh, Nate, you know what that means. New cover are new cover keep boner. Have a good night and thank you and look forward to seeing everybody at the Phoenix Fan Fusion Comic Con. Thingy, Nate is giving out lots of crazy prizes, so show up and be ready. See ya there. Bye.