No Gift Like the Present

From 0:00

0:00You're about to listen to the first experimental season of our show, formerly called Nat One Presents the Podcast. For better audio quality and our current ongoing DD campaign, skip ahead to season two featuring the Daft Monks.

0:14On this episode of Nat One Presents.

0:17You know, Jerry, he had one eye and a snaggle tooth and a two left feet and then a club hand.

0:22Pigeon toad. You know, Jerry. Mousy hair. Definitely big nose look like a toucan.

0:30Adventure. Hot warming stories. Role-playing that could only be seen by the gods. Here at Nat One Presents, you get all that and more. Now join us as we start another epic tale of condom.

0:46Just kidding. This is Nat One Presents, a tabletop role-playing game podcast that takes your favorite nerdy games and pop culture icons and ruins them with improv.

0:57Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents the Podcast. Uh today's episode, we're going to be doing a little bit different of role-play rapids. We're going to break down into three different segments for you. But before we begin, I would like to do a couple shout-outs to our newest patrons on Patreon. That would be Marcus, hey but uh Kimberly and Megan.

1:18You guys rock. Uh that's that's all I had to say about that. Um also we wanted to read our first podcast review. So we we finally had one on Apple Music, uh, our Apple Podcast. It only took weeks, but we got one. Uh, you want to go ahead and read it?

1:32Yeah, just to show our appreciation, we will be reading this, our very first review. And like I promised in the last episode, in the voice of Greta Thunberg, uh, this review comes from me, 68-53-278. And to show our appreciation, we will actually be using your username in a skit later on to show how much we appreciate it. But the review goes as this I love listening to a podcast where you can hear that they are having fun while they are being funny. I very much enjoy this show, but not global climate change.

2:06How dare you!

2:08So thank you, ME68-53-278. We appreciate the review. Keep the reviews coming, ladies and gentlemen. All right, on that note, so again, today we're taking another stab at Role Player Rapids for those of you guys who have been listening. Um, they've not been great. Some skips are funny, some are not. We're really trying uh to fine-tune it. So we're hoping today might maybe we perfected the formula. Right. It can't all just be Kool-Aid Mans around here, you know. Like as much as I want to do that. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, you break into here. How dang you.

2:45But for our first segment, we're gonna be uh going back to some characters we're familiar with.

2:50It seems to be a fan favorite, the Belmont and Van Helsing. Definitely some of our favorites, that's for sure. I love it.

2:56He I don't think you know, you weren't super into it at first. I pitched Trevor Belmont versus Van Helsing at like at least three times. Right.

3:03Before we were like, all right, fine, let's do it. And so and then turned out to be uh kind of kind of a hit for us. One of my faves. So whatever. Nate, you know, even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time it's happening.

3:15Whatever that admits. Not like Greta here. Okay, so uh we're thinking behind this one. Uh Van Helsing now down on his luck is on the side of the road, and Belmont now with the Van Helsing posse is kind of like driving down the road and see him. Right?

3:36Yeah, yeah, that sounds good. And then as always, uh we come up with like a premise, but everything here on out is very clearly unorganized, unscripted, and um just uh unchanged. Very unscripted. If you think this is scripted, how dare you? Unbelievable. Belmont! Belmont, my boy, is is is that you cruising by Belmont? Posse, don't make eye contact. We don't we don't deal with it. Possies!

4:02You remember me, Posse. We used to hang out and have fun times together. Remember the succubus, Posse? Wait.

4:09Van Helsing, is that you? I knew you would remember me, Belmont, my boy. Wait, hold up the carriage. Er got breaks. I knew you would remember me, Belmont, my boy. How how has life been treating you? Van Helsing, what the hell happened? Has life been treating you? You look like [expletive]. I uh to be honest with you, I feel like [expletive].

4:31The only thing keeping me intact is my Van Helsing name. Everyone found out about how I send the letters to monsters. Apparently the monsters have great paralegal team and they kept all that as evidence against me.

4:43And now the people have turned against me and I've just fallen on hard times. Can't believe people found out about that. It's almost like Geoffrey was writing it Jeffrey, were you writing everything down? That son of a [expletive]. But I'm past that now. I'm happy living my life free of money and worldly things. Yeah, that's that's that used to be how I did it too. It was trash. It was not a good life, but I'm so glad it suits you. Hells saying. Yes, it's it suits me well.

From 5:00

5:14You know, because anytime now Draculate won't have dinner with me every Wednesday, and I have to go to his castle by foot.

5:21And did you know that he like transports his castle and it goes like three to four hundred miles away? Three to four hundred miles every time. It takes me four weeks to get there on foot, Belmont. I didn't know if you knew this or not. You know, I believe I brought it up uh that time we doodled, but yeah, yeah. Uh I'm sorry, uh Belmont, my boy. I wasn't listening again. I was staring at my reflection in this puddle in the street water. It seems that's all I have now to get time by time is just to stare at my own reflection at the man I used to be. I if you want, I could maybe uh you know I see a Dracula here and there, maybe not every Wednesday, but uh a Thursday, Saturday.

5:21How's how's he doing? Does he talk about me? Oh, okay. No, no, it's like we I don't we we definitely talk about you. It's just, you know, been an ego challenge. It's your topic best to be avoided sometimes. I understand that, Belmont, my boy.

6:17Um by any chance, would you happen to have a gold piece I can borrow from you? Monster Slayer, it's a monster slayer. Where did you get that corn cob pipe?

6:30Uh you know, there was uh there was somebody who motivated me once. Uh he uh he carried it around with him and uh I found it in the wagon. That sure looks like the Van Helsing family crest on that corncob pipe. No, I don't think so, man. Uh Belmont.

6:46Oh my god. Like, look at Van Helsing. Uh Belmont looks in the puddle and like at first he sees Van Helsing, but then it like it disrupt, like it disrupts and then it shows him like, what have I become, Van Helsing?

6:58I'm I'm you and you are a [expletive]. Absolutely. You're you're an absolute trash monster, I recall. Oh my god, using my own words against me. What? We should trade places right now, Belmont. That's oh no, that's not quite how it works. This isn't this is this isn't trading spaces. Oh. Uh this is no. Uh that's a silly idea. I don't know why I can. Yeah, it was more of just like me looking inward, you know, like in a Disney movie when the princess looks, you know, in the puddle. Oh yes, a little bit of self-reflection. Yes. When with my reflection. Anyway, listen, uh. About that goal.

7:32Like I don't know if this will clear my conscience, but here.

7:36Take two gold. Oh, thank you very much. Say thank you. Oh, sorry, sorry. Thank thank you.

7:44And for your kindness in return, I have something in my breast pocket I'd like to give you.

7:53Yes, it's a there was gonna be a circuit punch. Here. Come here. Come sit. Let me listen. I can at least give you a ride in the town. The the least I can give you. Here, take a seat up by me. I see you've upbraided the caravan.

8:06It's no longer a Leto's Latense carriage. It looks like it says the Belmont on the side of it. Looks very nice.

8:14Oh yeah, we got that uh we got it detailed and everything. It uh looks looks fantastic. You know, you weren't wrong. People, when you're a celebrity, they just give you whatever you want. Those were the days, my boy. But now I don't but no, I'm not a stun-out like you. You know? Like I'm not like you, right? Like we're different. Absolutely not. I've changed for the better.

8:34I met a 13-year-old girl who told me all about climate. Oh, one of the speakers. Yes, she was a speaker of the people, she likes to say, and she told me about how cows produce gas and it tears apart the environment, and I was so startled by it as I was eating my T-bone steak dinner that I just couldn't think about anything else. And then I realized I wasn't eating a T-bone steak dinner because I ran out of money and I was actually eating my own shoe. Also made of leather.

9:06Terrible thing, cows. Oh wow, what? That's a lot unback into Van Helsing. I've actually turned trades. I no longer hunt monsters, I hunt cows, but it seems that people really don't have a need for a cow hunter. No, no, they don't, Van Helsing.

9:22Uh listen, what if we Ah man I am going to regret saying this, but what if we teamed up? You really mean it? Reluctantly, yes. Uh but listen, you have to kinda earn your medal here, if you know what I mean.

9:38Uh he kind of like winks at you. No, I I mean uh, never mind. Listen. Alright.

9:49Very well. Who's the target? Who are we slaying? Is it a cow? I've become quite proficient at slaying cows.

9:55No, uh, not not a cow. Um, you remember the werewolf? Yes, the one I thwarted. Yeah, well, uh, he's back um because you didn't thwart him. Yes, just like Backstreet. Okay. Well, he's back, he's ravaging, and we need to take him down. But listen, you know, every time I go to fight him, I just end up talking about myself, and then I end up stabbing other adventures. Like, god damn it, I'm turning into you every day. There's a curse, I'm afraid. That's why you need to pay. Is it this pipe? Is it pffff what's in this? There's special medicinal herbs in there that keep down the inflammation from the present.

From 10:00

10:37Remember that time we talked about the succubus of what peasant? Yes, yes, it'll calm down itself. You get used to it. It's called building up a tolerance.

10:48Take it back. Take it all back, Fathausing. Like, this is your this was never my life, you know.

10:55Like I I'm looking at my reflection. And not this time now, he's not looking in the potter, he's actually just literally looking at you. Like, I'm looking at my reflection. Don't like what I see. So let's do a team up, but this is yours. Your wagon, I mean, it has my name on it, and the bosses taken a liking to me.

11:12The ones that weren't killed in the battles. Um yeah, some of your bosses gone, but who exactly is is is Jerry okay? He was one of my favorites. Which one was Jerry?

11:23You know, Jerry. He had one eye and a snaggle tooth and a two left feet, and then a club hand. Pigeon toad.

11:30You know Jerry, mousey hair, definitely big nose, look like a toucan. You couldn't miss Jerry of your life, depending. He had boils on his face, you know, Jerry.

11:42Yes.

11:42Yeah, you know. We always walked around, you know, talking to plants and walls and stuff. And Jerry, Jerry's dead, Vanel saying always. No, not Jerry. Somebody else. Try one of the other ones.

11:55Um, let's see. Who else did I really enjoy? Barnaby dead. Not Barnaby.

12:00You know Barnaby. He had two hands that looked like cast iron. Yes, I called him baby hands. Baby iron. No, they were big hands. Big as big as mountains, these hands, and he would massage my back and whisper things in my ear like what's the Barnaby? Uh number three, come over here.

12:18Barnaby, what has happened to you? Where did your hands go? You used to have such big, manly hands, Barnaby.

12:25Barnaby, look at me.

12:26Do you remember me? It's me, Van Helsing. It's okay, Barnaby. You can look at him. I won't beat you like I did the others.

12:33Oh my god, it looks like Barnaby's eyes have been gouged out. It's just two empty sockets spearing my soul.

12:40If these people are gonna travel with you, they have to learn to work with you, alright? We do a dangerous job, and so disobedience and back rubs are not something that you can just throw around in the middle of an encounter. So listen, I've gave them some discipline, and I'm ready to give them back to you. They're going to be the best posse you've ever had. They're going to empower you to do good work so you don't end up on the street like you already were.

13:04Hmm. Very well, Belmont, my boy. Now, when you say team up, like, what exactly are we talking about here in terms of finance and teaming up? Like, are you just gonna leave and go back to living your Belmont lifestyle?

13:20I don't think I could ever do that. Like, this isn't me, but also I'm not going back to old mecause that [expletive] sucked as well. Yes, I could see that all over your face, clear as day, clear as Jerry's boils on his neck. You know, Jerry. Uh Um, so we I will treble with you. You can keep eighty percent, but you must I get uh rations, I get to keep equipment, uh and anything basically not money, any loot we find will be on me, and I will do the battle, but uh you must stay out of my way. Very well, I think I can accept that, my boy.

14:00No, after talking with one of the speakers, I think we should ditch the horses and just have the posse pull the cart.

14:09For greenhouse emissions, of course, you you are learning quickly. Miss Grenberg, what was her name? Uh Grenberg, yeah, but it was like uh Elvish name, I believe. Like uh von Sirkers, Miss Meerberg. It's Elvish. I can't I can't pronounce it. Yes, well, the witch would be very pleased at your choice. And honestly, I don't want to fight her. Me either. She is terrifying. Terrifying. Um, listen, let's go into town and let's try to track down that werewolf. Uh this is uh this this town very very rough and rough and tumble kind of place, if you know what I mean.

14:45Yes, I believe it's uh first um I kind of need to take a bath because I have been soiling myself for weeks on the side of the street. I thought that was the cows.

14:54No, no, no, no. Yes, uh okay. Well wouldn't alright, wouldn't we visit a bathhouse? And then uh yes, we'll we'll do that. And and then we'll figure out uh arrangements from there.

From 15:00

15:07Very well. I'm so happy to be back in your good graces, Belmont, my boy. It's been such a long time.

15:13You you had a big part on Houseing, um and I don't know if it's good. It's definitely not good down in my nethered regions, but listen, um we can make this work. There's a future for both of us, and I don't need dinners with Dracula.

15:30I don't need a posse, I just I need your friendship, Van Housing. Your something about your disgusting, filthy, like toxic friendship really computes me.

15:41Do you want to do a 80s style jump in the air high five? Yes.

15:50Alright, so I'm gonna say we were going to all right, we'll skip to like we go into town and uh as we pull up you see this like um this creature, it's not human, it's like feminine, um, and it looks kind of like a a succubus, but usually they're like they're young and they're healthy. And this one looks like she has been through some [expletive]. I mean ravaged of some sort. Okay, okay. Um, so we're just going through and be like, okay, so the bathhouse is look at that. Oh, god, god.

16:19Belmont, my boy, she looks awfully familiar. Like I've ravaged her through time at some point.

16:26And and excuse me, excuse me, beast, creature beast monster. Uh yes.

16:34Uh do do you know this man right here? This this this this hero of time.

16:39I suck in my gut and buff out my chest. Ah, you sad of a [expletive]. How dare you! Oh my god.

16:47Belmont, we need to get out of here immediately. I know this sucked this, and I've done some terrible things to her.

16:53We need to leave before she sucks the life force out of you. I'm pretty sure we can handle look look at her, man. I'm saying she looks she's withered away. You sad of a [expletive]. You know what you gave me.

17:04Of course I know what I gave you. Everybody has it. It's called the present.

17:12But I don't actually know what the oh, what was that the present?

17:16Yes, Belmont, my boy, you got it from sitting on my personal toilet. There's a reason I have a personal toilet. Everyone gets the present.

17:24You son of a [expletive]. I was a hot looking piece of ass back in the day. Do you know what it's like to be a harpy who can just have sex all the time, kill, have sex, repeat? It's a pretty [expletive] good job, Van Hell say. It was at least, but nobody wants to have sex with this now. And she like flashes something, and everyone's like, oh god, get out of here. Like, I can't even go to Dracula's court. I can't go. The beasts don't even want to look at me. I have to sit here in the streets making dream catchers. Like uh like some kind of like retired queen. It's ridiculous.

17:59Uh yes, I see. Um, actually, my life hasn't been going good at at ease either, you know. And uh Miss Succubus, the way my life has been going, it would be an honor if you would let me murder you and regain my honor as a monster slayer. I mean look at you, you have nothing else to live for. You're all saggy and gross.

18:25I do hate my life, but listen, I'm not ready to just give it up, whatever kind of life this is.

18:30You weren't saying that weeks ago when you were giving it up to everybody.

18:35You knew?

18:37Wait, what what are we talking about your clam or your life?

18:41You son of a [expletive]. Listen, I heard you became a vampire. Give me that immortal life, and I will do it.

18:48It was merely a title I can give you the paperwork, but I sold it to a goblin fellow who promised me new pair of shoes, and as you can see by my boots, the my toes are sticking out through them, and he did not, in fact, give me the new pair of boots. So are you are you not a vampire, Van Helsing? No, I am a terrible human being who is now poor, and then Belmont here was kind enough to ruin my life, and then grant me access back to my life again, and I'm trying to pick myself up.

19:19So you here demanding alimony for the years you have had some kind of venereal disease is absurd, and I refuse to pay you a dime of the money I no longer have.

19:29You are the absolute worst. Alright, listen. Uh, I live above the uh the dreamcatcher shop because it's the only place that I'm actually live there, you son of a [expletive]. Shut the hell up. And uh, you are the absolute worst, man. I'll say like Ven Husing, you are pretty terrible. Uh let's go and yeah, I think I think maybe you're right. Maybe the greatest act of mercy would be putting her down. She's like, I'm right here, Belmont. Like, ugh. When you look back, I'm already like so uh and we're gonna, yeah, I'll be like, all right, well, we'll go get some food. Uh we'll go get some food, uh, Ben Hussing, and then uh we'll go meet her at uh at the Sucu Wiss's lair. No, nothing dangerous, right?

19:29She can't, in her not current state, she can't harm us.

From 20:00

20:09No, never, my boy. And uh before and though, I might want to give her another good ravaging before. Oh, you uh you dush it.

20:18It's a hard knock life living on the streets, Belmont. You wouldn't believe what I've done for a sandwich. I'm seriously right [expletive] next to you guys. I can hear you. Not now, woman. The men are talking, okay? Alright, so I'm gonna say uh she goes back up.

20:30We go and like get dinner, you get a bath. Um, and we go to meet we yeah, but Mary Belmont really needed it. And then we go up to uh we knock on our door uh and it's like Yeah, come in, it's unlocked.

20:43Okay, wretched hoppy, prepare for battle as me and my main man, Belmont here are gonna decapitate you and put it on a spit and show it through the town, and then I regain my honor.

20:55You know, you know, Van Hussing, I I feel like this is really harsh. You know, I I this was the plan, and it's a good plan. But you know, it's your heart's in the right place, but the best place. But but the rest just seems so wrong. Wrong place, wrong time. Maybe this pathetic creature, I'm still here, is is maybe not the route to get your glory back. Maybe we tackle the werewolf, the real monster ravaging the town. You're you're absolutely right, Belmont, my boy.

21:22But first, can't we just kill her anyways? I kind of want to cut her open and like a tauntaun and slide inside and wear like a harpy suit, you know, and then walk around town like that. Because honestly, after living on the streets, I've gone a little crazy.

21:39Uh, whatever, then Hessing.

21:40I'm gonna go downstairs.

21:42You have twenty minutes.

21:43That's the whole time I need Belmont, my boy. I'll see you downstairs. That's only sharpening a knife.

21:48Alright, so Belmont exits the scene and uh just the heartbeat uh is like So this is how it's gonna be, huh?

21:55Yes, Belmont, my boy, has left, and it's just you and me now. Oh wretched woman. Now you have two choices. Prepare to dance the dance of the tango like we used to do in our prime.

22:09Or I shall murder you viciously and wear your suit around like some kind of businessman going to Wall Street. Which shall it be?

22:16You know. I've thought about you every day since since that time. And it's not just because you gave me a banaria disease. But I think there's something special about you that has sing. The most special thing. That's all that's all I had to say. Yeah. You're an idiot, but you're lovable. And your bod moves in a way that most male men shouldn't. It's like you dislocated some of your your your limbs. Um, but you're still fluffy. It's all it's just odd to me. It's not it's not human, it's it's magic.

22:52It's been described to me as a ziploc bag filled with grape jelly. Especially with all my veins protruding through my paper thin skin, and I don't get out and tan a lot anymore, so it's rather disturbing, and I'm glad you find it so attractive.

23:08Sometimes I shift my body weight from side to side because I get these weird sores, just like Jerry used to Zacumist, you remember Jerry?

23:16He was there videotaping the As he won the hook for the hands. No, he had the two left feet and he was pigeon-toed and he had the boils on his neck and he had the nose the size of a two- Oh, Jerry, yeah, I carried him off more than once.

23:28I knew you would, you wretched harpy.

23:31Alright, let's do this, dance. Give me one more night to to feel like a pretty harpy again.

23:39You got it, and for this I will learn the Spanish word that I learned on the streets. And we need to take this despacito.

23:48I don't know what that means. Come close to me.

23:50Me either.

23:50Yeah, let's do this. Yeah, she's gonna like put her hands on I don't know, whatever, imagine like a slow dance on a high school. Or are we actually Spanish dancing?

23:59Like then No, he doesn't know what he's doing.

24:02I just imagined like a high school prom and they're just like looking at each other's eyes and like I've lived a long time and he'll sing. How long have you lived, my dear? Many lifetimes. But there's there's only been one man who uh you know most times I sleep with a guy, I steal their youth and I keep going, but I slept with you and you stole my heart.

24:28Well, I'm glad you didn't rip into my chest and steal mine. I didn't really need to. I got three. That is oddly disgusting, but did you know after the enormous amount of cows I have murdered that they have multiple stomachs inside their body? It's the craziest thing. Didn't you say craziest thing? The craziest thing I think. All right, well. Do you wouldn't believe it as I'm dancing with her heart?

24:52She puts her like brinkly hooked claw finger on your lips and it's like shh no more talking, just just dance and do what you're about to do.

From 25:00

25:02Very well, my dear. I d I know it's hard to tell from my enormous belly that I have acquired living on the streets, but I uh my mast is at full attention.

25:17Trying to think of like a medieval like uh like uh is that a crossbow in your pocket, or are you happy to see?

25:23No, it's a trebuchet, and my balls flop around like crazy and they swing and go to and fro, you know, just like the old ziplock baggy with the grape jelly.

25:34She's like, close your eyes. Okay, my eyes are closed. Just for one last time. Second punch. And with that, it's like a really weak punch. You can't even feel it.

25:46Well, and she just like falls on you, and like the rest of her body withers up, and she just like is like Belmont, get back in here!

25:54The one woman I truly ever loved, kind of, for multiple times on separate occasions, throughout years and not really any kind of other communication. I loved her and she died. Belmont, get in here.

26:11What what the hell happened? You said you were going to kill her and give her a mercy kill. She's literally laying on your body and you're sobbing in tears with a boner.

26:19I look up at you like dead. Straight eyes look at you.

26:24And I'm like, I told you, my boy, I was the best monster hunter ever. I told you she'd die eventually.

26:31End scene. Alright, awesome. So, man, what do you like so much about for like these characters?

26:40I really love I love Ant Hells saying what what do you think the like what was Lumble Bold up? It's just the one's like so serious and the other's so over the top, but like wants to be treated serious, you know. I think like that's the fact. And then I love doing that voice for them. Trevor Burrus, um, yeah.

26:58I you always see and I'm I mean, obviously the viewers can tell that like I forget to do the Trevor Bellvot voice, and then I like midway like start to do it again.

27:07But like sometimes I'm getting confused between like an I was like, um, I really like that in like from the get-go, I I was the one who suggested the concept, and I really dig that they both are like vampire hunters, they're both specifically Dracula. Yes, and to me, that's just funny. Like, they're like, Yeah, you know, that whole I joke like they're the same, excuse me, they're the same person. Um, that's comical to me. And so, but like I we're now we're trying to like build like a relationship and just like a friendship, and I think that's interesting. I think it could be like a series of adventures, like, oh, there they are again, Belmont and Van Helsing.

27:07Right now it does seem to be a a pretty popular uh episode on our podcast, but uh I think yeah, audience will be seeing a lot more of this. Um, and I hope you guys really enjoy.

27:51And if you have any shenanigans you'd like to see uh Van Helsing and Belmont get into, then please just let us know, you know, with comments, you know, sharing. I'll read them out loud and I'll do my Greta voice.

28:03And if you don't write us anything, how you all right. So next up, we gotta we got a brand new new characters, new skit. Um, I call this the Mirandalorian. So, right, um Mandalorian has pretty been pretty hot now for about a year or so. Um, we just got through season two, and for me, I thought it would be funny to bring in an outsider. Like, so we have another, this won't be the actual title characters from the show, but we have another Mandalorian who will remain unnamed. Yep. And then he has this like partner that he picked up. Are we gonna cover that in the roleplay or are we just gonna pre-establish that? Let's pre-establish it.

28:43Yes, I want to know, is she also uh Mandalorian? Like, is she from the same order that always has the helmet on?

28:50Because like the way the character you described is she always has her helmet on. That's [expletive] hilarious. All right, yeah. So then so Miranda in the Mirandalorian is just like imagine this like ballet girl who's always on her phone. So it's like literally like not wearing armor except the like the best car helmets.

29:07So it's like best car helmet in pink, and then like a girl on her phone all the time. And so she's Miranda, and then she just refers to the the other Mandalorian as Mandy. Um, and then she's just not helpful.

29:17And so we I this is uh I don't know if it'll be funny, but this is kind of the scene. So you know, we're gonna we're gonna jump in and and some crazy space antics and see how it goes. Um, and I think also this is where we'll get to uh introduce NE6853278. Thanks again for the review. Um you're best fan right now. Yeah, we're gonna we're gonna add you in this this episode. So uh again, if this sucks, we're sorry. We are just winging this roleplay rapids as usual. Um, but hopefully it'll be a good time. Okay, let's do this. I'm Mandy. You're Mandy. I am Mandy. So describe uh the the mission that was given to Mandy right before the start of this episode.

29:17Okay, we're on tattooing because everything takes place on [expletive] tattooing moisture.

29:58And somebody has stolen like my big let's say my jetpack, they stole my jetpack, and now we're hunk hunkered down like behind some rocks, and then now it's our job to like infiltrate the sand people's the base of operations, their little village or whatever, and get my jetpack back without causing too much of a scene.

From 30:00

30:16Okay. Alright, so we we're just gonna get started. So Mendy, it's so hot here. I can't take great photos with this light. It's just it it bleaches out the photos too much. Miranda, quiet down. The sand people might hear you. Sorry, Mandy. It's okay. Now, what we need to do is try to gain access to the sand people's tent. That one over there on the left. Can you see it? What don't you're looking at your phone? No, Mandy, I just like sometimes it's better to Google questions than try to do it. Well, what showed up? Uh, how to get in a guy's tent. Um, it's referring to someone's pants. No, that's yeah, it's not gonna work at all.

30:16So what we need to do is I took a thermal imaging scan of the entire operation, and there is about seven to eight sand people over there on the ridge. Can you see them? Ooh, ooh, let me see. So, oh what is hot and tattooing? What are you looking at? Sand people are not attractive. That is uh subjective. Um but yeah, no, I guess you're right. Uh I totally got somebody back home. Palpy calls me all the time, and he's a real big fan of mine. Oh my god. How do we get teamed up again? Well, uh, nobody wanted me at the academy, but you broke uh the golden rule of the Mandalorian. Yes.

30:16And so their punishment, instead of taking your armor and uh banishing you from the the the cult, is to have to train me as your uh like your kind of like your Mandalorian Pedouan. That was rhetorical, but okay, thank you. Now um let's see. Yuhu over here! We need X T10. Get down, Miranda. Oh my god. Are we gonna have to kill him? Did anybody notice? I look up. Is anybody there? I don't know. Uh I'm gonna like dial on my phone. Like, hey, hey, can you like do like a satellite image and see if there's anybody out in the Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, yeah, there's two enemies. Um they literally can hear us. Oh, okay. Hi, everything we said. Thanks, Becky. Yeah, hi. Oh. Who is Becky? Becky?

30:16Uh Becky with uh global comms? You know what? I don't want to know. Now, we need to get my jetpack. Wait, did you get Rainbow Unicorn stickers on your jetpack? I didn't get them, Mandy. I ordered them and I put them online, and then I I put them and I stuck them with Aing. Because just because we're Mandalorian doesn't mean we're soulless. We're not Borelarians. That's okay. Forget that now. Let's hunker down and let's sneak quietly. Ooh, Mandy, what's this do? And she pushes a button on your jetpack. Right? Not your jetpack, but your uh your like my wristband or something is like apparently someone hit a Nat 20. God damn it, Miranda.

33:08Oh, Mandy, they got me. Stop.

33:10Oh no, I have to stop them. No, no, my followers, they totally caught me. Not with wearing makeup. They got me. Damn it, Miranda. You can't distract me like that. I'm focused on the mission right now. I need to get back right behind you. Whoa, where? Behind you? The direction behind you. It's not hard. Is there anyone behind me? No. Oh. Instead behind you. Because you always have me behind you telling you what to do. Rand, I don't know if this is gonna work out anymore. I think next time I leave you at the cantina, and I know that they play the same song over and over again for 12 hours straight. That's true, but I always get free drinks when I flare with the droid. I don't even know like how it works.

33:10Like really, it shouldn't make sense, but it does. That bartender droid? Are you talking about ME68-53-278? Yeah, he is so into me. So drink too. Yes. That's besides the point. But he needs to stop giving you drinks. He makes a tantan martini that will blow your mind. Oh, is it that cool one that comes in a fleshy sack and then you have to cut it open and that's you slurp out the move? It's the one that's like mixed with blue milk and it numbs your mouth, and then you get like, ah, I kinda gag a little bit, which, you know, can be helpful. We are we're getting beside the point here. I need to get the jetpack. You are distracting me. What is that in your hand? Oh, this uh this is my selfie stick.

33:10And I like hold up the stick.

34:31Smile, smile, Mandy! Kind of like R2's a mirror, like damn random. How many times?

34:44Oh [expletive]. All right, let's get out of here.

34:46Do you have the keys for the speeder? Uh no, Mandy. You said you were gonna have the keys to the speeder. I specifically gave you the keys for the speeder. Uh as you say that, someone drives off in our speeder. Mandy, that wasn't even paid off. I mean, it was on my card, my parents' card.

From 35:00

35:04I was a picture of him like holding his head like in his helmet. Like, goddamn it, what did I do?

35:08Okay, new plan. Run. And she just like kind of like but she's just like really like basically walking. Like, Mandy, no, they're gonna get me. Yes, I hope they do. Run faster. She like trips, but then she like hits like a button on because she still has her chip.

35:31Yeah, and the missile like goes up, loops around, and then like hits the guys, and then like go, I don't know, just like hits a bunch of people and like then like circles around, gets like the net, like the tent the top of the tent, and like drags the tent open. So now the tent is just like an open space.

35:45Oh, okay. Like, Mandy, look, you jump back.

35:48Oh my god, you are so lucky. You know that. All right, let's get it and get out of here. I have an appointment to make.

35:54What do you have an appointment for? Honestly, I I told you to write it down in the calendar because you always have that device. I did write it on the calendar, see? And then I hold up like social media and it says exactly at what time you're gonna be at a place.

36:07And then there's like a comment from like your arch enemy. Who's your arch enemy?

36:11Oh, I don't know. Who do you think? Um, I'm just thinking up.

36:14Okay, uh Grand Moff Jerry.

36:18Moff Didion for me. Yeah. There's like a comment under your post of Moff Didion. I'm like, I'll see you there.

36:26See, Mandy, I'm a great assistant. No, you told him about us, and now he knows exactly where we're going to meet. Well, he said he wanted to get in his dark saber, and he you know how I feel about that. You're always hankering for that dark saber, Miranda. You need to cut that out. That's not the m- that is not the way. Hello? Hey, Palpy. Hey, no, I'll be there. I'll be there, Palpy. Are you talking to the emperor himself? I don't know. He's just some old man who gives me money. He built me a Death Star, whatever that is. He did not build that for you. He built it, yes, he did, twice. Here, look. And I show a picture of like it's like me at like the ribbon cutting ceremony.

36:26Like a bow around the inheritance take station. Pappy and I go way, way, way, way, way, way back. Then how did you get stuck being a Mandalorian bounty hunter? Well, I don't know. Like, I was at this like daycare because I thought I was pregnant, but it was actually just indigestion. And then there was this baby, and then something about 69, and then a bunch of people started dying. It was like, oh baby. And so I picked it up, this little like green flop frop thing, and then I like smuggled it out. And then I don't know, like then I lost track. Like things got weird.

36:26I got sent to this other planet, and then I just kind of left him with a bunch of other bounty hunters, and then now I'm here in Tatooine, you know, just trying to live my best life. That that's a lot. How do you keep track of all of that? Oh, I don't. Uh honestly, I literally forgot until you just brought it up. Wow, that is a whoa look out! Get down, it's a crate dragon. Oh we need to get out of here. Stat. Okay, uh, why don't we did you grab your jetpack? Yes, I have my jetpack. Let me just have an home. See? You need me, Mandy. Well, you need me. Do you have any extra? Give me a canister of fuel.

36:26Yeah, and I pull out a flask and I hand it to you. Here you go, Mandy. I filled it right before we left. Awesome, thank you. Is this gonna how far is this gonna get me? Um well, it's not gonna be very far because it's vodka, but it will get you a little upspecker. God damn it, Miranda. Oh, take this cough. Hey Beck! I just start walking. Yeah, no, there's definitely a giant sand monster crawling to the ground. Yeah.

38:40Yeah. No, it's like it's like long. Like, no. No, not like Han. Like like Lando. Yeah.

38:47God, she never shuts up. Where's the ship?

38:50Boop, boop.

38:53I know I parked it over here somewhere. Miranda, why don't you help me find the ship? Immediately when you like hit that button, like the stero comes on because it was on like full blast. Like, it's on for again.

39:03And now like the entire like village is like coming out and just like. Oh no, there's some people.

39:08Mandy, I just can we get like serious radio or you know, something we can't afford it because you ruin every single mission we go on. I cannot afford satellite radio right now. We get the NPR and local radio. The National Republic Radio, yes, and that is it. N PRR. R.

39:38Listen, all right, listen. You know, I know you didn't pick me, Mandy.

39:42And I didn't pick you, but I think we're kind of cute together, okay? And you don't even know what we look like together. We always have helmets on. This is the way. Oh no, when you sleep, I take it off and I kiss your face. You're not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to see what I look like under my mask. Yes, I am. It says this is the day. Every day you say this is the day. No, this is the way. The way if you weren't on your global phone clicking the buttons. Yeah, your space phone nonstop. This this wouldn't be an issue. And we might actually make some money doing these bounties instead of alerting everyone. Papa sent us a gift card for MPR and for Sirius Radio.

39:42For Darth Darth Serious Radio. I'm not getting it installed. You can get it installed at the next port. Where's the next port? Most eyes, we can stop there. Alright, let's go there. Really is the same stuff.

From 40:00

40:39Every time I told you. Uh yes, ME68-53-278. Uh Miranda would like her favorite drink again. Because she heard the nice thing she said about you where you said you love listening to a certain podcast where you can hear that they're having fun while they're being funny. And you very much enjoyed the show, and we appreciate that.

41:04It just goes alright. Doesn't even ask you for your drink, order.

41:08Oh, you're the best ME6A-53-278.

41:14So, all right, Mendy, let's play a game. I'm gonna point to an alien and you tell me how hot he is.

41:19Oh, or she. Wait, do we have to play this? We need to be focusing on the next mission right now. What is the next mission?

41:24The mission, I thought the mission was coming here. Hold on, let me get one of these pucks. And then I pour like one of the bounty hunter pucks or like a show like Admiral Akbar, like, no, we don't want to kill him. [expletive] another puck comes up, Luke Skywalker. No, we don't want to kill him. He's cute.

41:39Um then another one comes up, like it's a it's a baby Chewbacca. It's a baby. Baby Chewbacca. Oh my god. A baby Wookiee. He is so cute. Wouldn't he look super cute in my um my my breakfast nook on the ship? Like stuffed? No, like you know, living. Oh, okay, yes. Uh, okay, well, we need to get the bounty on him. He's worth 50,000 credits.

42:07That is a lot of credits, Mando.

42:09Yeah, so we need to focus. Thank you. We need to focus. Miranda, focus. Miranda, Miranda. I am listening. All right. I said, hey guys, there's a bounty. Can anyone tell me where to find the $50,000 baby Chewbacca?

42:23Okay, thank you. He's on the planet Kashyik. We need to set course to there. And he's very specific. He has a white stripe going down his back. And it needs to be him. And like last time we did one of these abduction missions, you just stole the first baby you came across, and it wasn't the right baby.

42:41They don't look human, Mandy. You know, like they just all look at you and they drool, and some of them have like tentacles, and it's just weird. It's weird, Mandy.

42:49I know it's weird, but then you started making out with some other girl you met named Ginger. Like you took off your helmet and we're just making out with her at the bar. And that is not going to help our cause here, okay?

42:58Don't make out with any of the Wookiees. Hey, Ginger. I just wave like actually, she knows exactly the coordinates to whatever planet that baby jabak is. It's Kashyyyk. Do you know how to get to Kashyyyk? No, I don't currently know how to get to Kashyyyk.

43:13Ginger, come here.

43:15And they like sit together, like, no, no, you're cute. No, I'm cute. Okay. Alright, no, I'm cute too. Say, uh, Manny doesn't know how to get to Kashyyyk, and he would like you to give him the coordinates. Please. Please, Ginger.

43:27Uh, yeah. Your boyfriend's a total loser, by the way. But I'm not her boyfriend. Uh, that's not what she says. Have you looked at social media? Look at all these pictures of you.

43:36And it happens to be like, because your helmet's always on, they can't see your expression. So she's just always like next to you, and like it just looks like go there. A dictionary like drawing in sharpie, like different expressions on my smiley face, like raised eyebrows, like I'm shocked. You're a pretty cute couple, you don't have to be embarrassed about it, huh? I don't use social media, and I didn't even know this when she sleeps. I'm gonna have to lock my space pod, okay. Now can you please get us directions to Kashyik? Yeah, here's the coordinates. I'll write it down for you.

44:05Uh M E six eight five three two seven eight, you got a pad, paper, no? Okay, just give me a chip. Thanks. And stop looking at my girl. All right. She's not into you. So she writes it down. She's like, but listen, Moff Diddy did diddlyon. He's uh he's coming. Yeah, Moff Diddley. I hear he's on his way. And uh I would not be surprised if he boards your ship on your way to uh to Kashi Keshi.

44:34This is troubling news. We're gonna have to fly in low space and take it easy for a little bit. We're gonna have to lay low, Miranda. You have all the supplies we need to lay low for a couple days.

44:43Palpy, I'm on my way to Kashi. Can you let all everybody know not to bother us?

44:47God damn it, Miranda.

44:49Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

44:50Okay, thank you. Also, Ben Momi, 300 credits. Thank you, bye.

44:54You can't be conservative for like I got like notification. It's like 500 credits. I'm like a picture. He always gives you extra than what you ask. And you need to stop relying on him.

From 45:00

45:04This is part of your training. We need to teach you to be a proper Mandalorian and have some self-respect.

45:09And are you making out with Ginger right now? This is come on. You know you like him, Andy. This is disgusting. I'm gonna be at the ship. I have the coordinates. Thank you, Ginger. And especially thank you, you me 68-53-278. You are the best droid. My guy could be looking for. Okay, so we go to the ship. We're gonna we're gonna take off. Oh yeah, we gotta take off. Yes, I'm the pilot. I don't trust you to pilot. You don't even keep your eyes on the space road. Mindy, it's called autopilot. Doesn't it? It means it automatically goes where you want it. It doesn't work like that, Miranda. Just sit back and do whatever you do. Take your selfies. Watch this.

45:09And I push a button and it shoots like a laser down and like hits the like the the like the sand dragon. The great dragon? Yeah, as we like lift off the kills him. Yeah. Like whatever.

46:00Oh, and there's a crepe pearl in there we can make lightsabers out of. But nope, we need to get to cash eyebrive.

46:07No wait, we're laying low because uh Grand Moff Diddlyon. Easy. And I'm like like pouring water on me. Like, isn't this cool? It's like a wet t-shirt contest, but in space. I'm really trying to fight it, but like underneath, like my foot is like tapping with the music. Yeah. He's so into me, guys. Yeah, no, yeah. No, yeah. Yeah. He thinks he's funny. He's not funny.

46:28Brandon, who are you even talking to right now? It's just me and you in the cab of this ship. No, I'm I'm only phone. Oh. I swear to god, I'm gonna freeze you in carbonite. Now. Kinky.

46:39No, go take a nap and I will give us the cashew. Oh okay. I can't do it. I'm sorry, Elisa. Okay. Yeah, she goes and she takes a nap. She's like, if you get tired, the ship can fly itself.

46:51Hmm. It doesn't it doesn't work like that. Like you can kind of push some buttons, but what if a giant space monster comes flying out with tentacles and stuff, and there's a rock band on there and they're singing, I believe in a thing, God now.

47:02And then I'll take care of you, Maddie. Can you promise Miranda? Yes. Alright, I'll go take a nap then. Okay.

47:09I go lay down, take a nap. Uh so you go to sleep and uh I'm like, don't worry, I'll take care of everything. You take a nap. You've earned it. Um and then you start to like the like you hear like and like you hear like the the it's shaking, the ship's shaking, oh my god, bumping.

47:25And uh you hear some emergency noises and you wake up. Oh my god, Miranda, what's going on? No palpy. No. Okay. But just for a minute, and I like looked up and like flashed like on my phone. I'm like showing Palpy in my boots. Disgusting. Why you why are your feet on the dash? I have told you about the dash, and what's with the alarms? What's going on? I don't know. I literally just hit the autopilot button, and then all of a sudden we entered like what looked like a black hole or whatever, and now I don't know where the hell we are. I told you it doesn't work like that. Move over, give me the controls. I like when a man takes charge. Alright, what are the oh you're disgusting. Go talk to Palpi.

47:25Where are we? Computer, where are we?

48:06You are in the region of uh veracular, uh, not close even remotely to Vishaq.

48:13Computer, did Ginger give proper coordinates?

48:17Uh no, this is our group on for uh uh Manny Petty at Fenty B. Can I be Sam?

48:25We've just been flying in circles. Somebody could have had our bounty by now. Hold on, let me use my space phone and I'm gonna call down. Uh I call down to the Cantina. Emmy 6853278. Can you please email me coordinates to Kashik, please? I should have asked you originally. I don't know why I trusted that [expletive] ginger. Um, I'm sorry, she's a nice lady. She's a nice lady. Thank you, Emmy 6853278.

48:59You're the best. Seriously, though. You're the best. You're the best. Uh okay, so we get the coordinates, and uh, we see the planet in sight.

49:08We're starting to like walk in and like start to lower it when this giant like imperial like looking thing like starts to descend and like uses a tractor beam to like pull us.

49:19Miranda, buckle down. Mandy, who do you think this is? I don't know, it could be Pappy or whatever you cafy. Oh, oh no, actually, it's it's Dideon. Um, I told him he'd be here and he said he'd meet us at seven.

49:30You told him where we're gonna be? Yeah! Why? You know I want the dark saber.

49:35It doesn't work like that.

49:36You're gonna have to battle him to the death for it, and I can't help you. Hmm. Foreplay. Disgusting. Why am I teamed with you? There's gotta be a way out of this.

49:46I'm gonna be like, nope. And I go to the escape pod with my jet back, I'm just gonna jump out and like start flying somewhere.

49:53You go, it's like it's title HR, and then you get it and it just conjettisons you.

From 50:00

50:00And then uh we'll just call that NC. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, so that was the Mirandalorian. Uh, if you liked it, let us know. If you hated us, hated it, let us know. Um, either or whichever you could we'll see if Baby Chewbacca makes it into the next episode and that we don't get a loss. Well, I am just that's fine. Maybe I'll learn a Wookiee voice by then, or I'll just go all out and buy the mask. Just wear the mask the whole episode. I do think we need to add some Logan on the Lori and like all voice multiple. Oh, yeah, we should. Yeah, yeah. That'd be pretty bad. That would probably make it, I think. All right, we got one more news segment, and hopefully it goes better than the last one.

50:00I know that last one was rough. The Van Housing thing's always solid, though. Always solid. You can't go wrong with a sucky bist dying of venero disease. Um, all right. So this last one that was inspired by Nate the other day. He told me a funny story which reminded me of anti Groan show. And we thought, what if people what if people brought in a bunch of like relics from fantasy worlds or even just like relics from our world that maybe just aren't actually as valuable as maybe they think they are. Right. That would be. So do you want to be the appraiser or would you like to be the person bringing the item? I think um I'd like to be the appraiser on this one. Okay, okay.

50:00Uh all right, so I I have written down like six uh an assortment of like six items. So uh I'll just kind of jump in. We'll play some different to play it out and see how go. Alright, sounds good to me. So, do you know what you have in your possession here? Uh well, it's hard to tell because it is completely invisible. Um, but I believe it is a cloak worn by none other than the one and only Harry Potter. Famous aura. Famous aura, and annoying, whiny, uh popular kid in school. Yes.

51:52Um I'm gonna dissect this a little bit here and break this down to you. Um, looking at this, this thread by thread, you can see that this is visible on the one side, but when you turn it around, and I do that [expletive] he did in the movie where he puts it on his head and he's like, oh, I'm just a floating head.

52:09Oh wow, I never actually turned it around. So I I literally have just been holding this invisible sack of cloth and knew nothing about it. Well, yes, yes, yes. That seems to be the first mistake.

52:17Now, how do you think that you acquired this from a Mr. Harry Potter?

52:23Well, uh, as I said, we went to school together. He was really popular, really annoying. Um, but when we graduated, uh we set up a five-year reunion. I went, he wore it because of course he had to show up everybody with old tricks. Fascinating. Um, but then he got drunk um with Hermoyne on some other [expletive], and I actually just took it from his stag. I just took his jacket and it took his invisible cloak and I booked it out of there. It's like the only thing great that came out of the five-year Hogwarts reunion. So you admit you stole this. Yeah, I mean, look, uh, from what I hear, it's a few. Was it nothing? Nothing. Sorry. Okay. Continue the story.

52:23Well, it's uh I I hear this is one of the legendary Deathly Hollows of three, and really they just get stolen, they get passed from person to person. So who really owns Endbame? Yeah. Well, considering a Mr. H. Potter is still alive, and the Deathly Hollow was in his possession, and he did slay Lord Voldemort, you know, like Oh god, we got uh what do we call those that Potter head? Come on, he saved the world, and you have to admit, and now I am holding his invisibility cloak, like I got like tears running down my cheek and [expletive] like that. What is it worth? And not to you, but in general. I just want to sell this thing and be able to pay more.

53:35Invisibility cloak that helped one H. Potter defeat one L. Voldemort. Excuse me, he who must not be named.

53:43Um actually, a Deathly Hollow goes back to the creation of magic itself. So a lot. That's I'm gonna say about Honey, we're gonna be rich. $3.50.

53:53What the Because it's it used to be Harry Potter, no one's gonna want to buy this thing. Unless some kind of black market deal, no one's gonna buy it. It's Harry Potter's, they're gonna want to give it back to him.

54:03He's probably gonna travel here right now after that code 57 I just gave, and they're gonna track you down. Oh, come on. Listen, uh, it's I fell in tough times. You know, I was the star player at Hogwarts on the Quidditch team until he came. And then I wasn't popular, I wasn't smart, and I'm honestly, I didn't even want to marry this chick, but she, you know, like here she is. So yeah, Bethilda bagshot gross. Listen, man, it's gotta be worth more than three, right? All right, then I'll tell you the buddy's what is it worth to you? The best I can do for you right now is I'm gonna give you 50 galleons.

54:36And we don't tell anybody this happened. Yeah, security wanna cancel it? And I'll take this off your hands. Okay, and it'll be hush hush. And we'll even do an unbreakable vow if you want. Like without my wand, and I'm like holding out my hand. Like, you ready?

54:49You ready for this?

54:50Can you do 55? Can I really nickel and diamond me here? Yeah, we'll do 55 galleons. All right.

54:56Okay, it's really more three. Yes, absolutely, 100%. I would never lie to you. All right, yeah. All right, Antioch does the whoops out in the wand, and you guys do the old Chris Cross out.

From 55:00

55:06And uh that concludes this episode of Antigues Roadshow.

55:12That was that was all on camera. Oh [expletive], I think I just lost my job. Oh [expletive]. Uh up next on Antigues Roadshow, we uncover something that smells like trash. Is that the cloaker? The next item. Next item. Next item. Okay. Hmm. Hey, I have something um green, green about you that uh very few people have in possession, mostly because they don't want it anymore. Oh, yes. Uh, do you mind if I take a look at it? Mm-hmm. I I suspect you know exactly what this is. Well, the outside of the box has decayed a little bit and smells oddly like pastrami and hot garbage.

55:55There seems to be some kind of extraterrestrial written on this and ooh, this is an old box. What's this say? Atari?

56:03Atari. Yes, this is one of the original publications of the Atari game E.T.

56:11Extraterrestrial. Have you heard of it?

56:16She said it. Oh, sorry. Give me a bucket.

56:20I think everybody's heard of that game.

56:22Ah, well, let me tell you a little bit history, Mr. Appraiser.

56:26I've done my research and this game is known uh very majorly in the gaming industry to have actually tried to crash the Atari and the whole gaming uh industry as a whole. It was so bad people stopped investing companies for a brief period of time, stopped investing in games. So clearly, something of this value, something with this kind of impact, would be worth uh maybe a hundred thousand dollars. Uh I pull out my little like inspector stick, and I'm just like whack, kind of a little bit. It's like uh campful, can't kind of poke it and prod it a little bit. Like blow it in the cart. Uh the best I can do for you is um get the [expletive] off of antiques roadshow.

57:14That's the queen. No, this is garbage. Who is producer, producer Bill?

57:20This is a historical treasure. No, producer, why are you bringing me to this [expletive]? You're supposed to be finding me good [expletive], and this is back to back. Is this is this still recording? This is [expletive]. No, yeah, it's recording, and now we gotta bleep your [expletive] ass out because we don't cuss on Antiques Roach Show because there's 90-year-old women in [expletive] Wisconsin watching this. They would buy this game. No, they would not.

57:38No one's gonna buy your trash.

57:40It's garbage, it's E.T. Stop pushing it.

57:42Sorry, you just look so pushable with your belly full of jelly and your bearded neck.

57:48No one's buying this thing. So I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to leave Antiques Roach show. I'll take it somewhere else. There is only 60,000 copies of these sitting in a dumpster.

57:58Yeah, exactly. Go take it to the dumpster. Go talk to [expletive] some adventurer if you want.

58:02And [expletive], he lives out by the trash can and just give it to him. Just leave Antiques Road show. This is [expletive]. I'm on the verge of it. You'll rue the day that you turn down extraterrestrial.

58:13Nobody says rue. Get the [expletive] out of here. I'm getting pissed, man. Like last time you show me a [expletive] Victorian era pocket watch. It was awesome, [expletive] worth millions of dollars. And then you bring me this literal garbage. Producer Bill, stop this. Like, find me some good [expletive].

58:30What happened? Why why are you punishing me? Why are you punishing me like this? This is garbage. It smells like garbage.

58:35I ran out of rubber gloves before I came over here and I touched this [expletive] garbage. This whole time, like you're actually still like live on here. And then this becomes like a birroll. Like revives the show. You know, [expletive] it. [expletive] it. I'm done. I'm done. Let's go on in the next one. What's the next one we have? You, sir. What do you have? They could oh my god. What do you have that I can appraise? You seem pretty upset. No, I'm [expletive] fine. It better be [expletive] good. What if I have to appraise? So I'll lose my job. You know, you know he who must not be named. Yes, we will. I went over this on the first thing they tried to make me appraise.

58:35Well, this there is only one of, and it is not in possession of H. Potter. This is Vladimir's original nose. Okay. You're you're serious right now. Like his actual nose? Yeah, look at it. And I like unwrapped the cloth, and it's just like decayed, but still kind of like fleshy nose. See, many people don't know, but before he like kind of transmuted himself into like a snake man, he actually had a nose. Yes, yes.

59:40I'm familiar with the story itself, but how did you come to acquire his nose?

59:46It's human flesh. Are you even legally allowed to have this? Oh, absolutely not, but that's what makes it more valuable. Well, how did you get it? So don't worry about it.

59:56Oh my god, this is disgusting. Okay, this is a very nice nose. The best that anybody could offer you for this nose is a trip to the mental ward at the local Saint Island.

From 60:00

60:09No, it is value. Look at it, look at it. And it puts it on his face. It's like, now I'm the dark lord.

60:14Fear me and give me lots of money.

60:18Um, no, you're gonna have you don't know parcel tongues. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I'm Voldemort. I'm Voldemort now. I'm Voldemort. I dug this nose out of someone's grave, and now I'm Lord Voldemort. It's not even Voldemort's no Death Eaters come. Nobody's coming for you, please. Please.

60:38Producer Bill, producer Bill.

60:41Okay, okay. Alright, we're on to the next one. Producer Bill, we have three more left on my shift. Please tell me it's something that I can actually check on.

60:51Is that the word? Jerry, listen, you have three items. We have to keep rolling, it's not a big deal. Just get through and you can call it a day after that. We'll we'll promote you if you want to be part of the actual like not on air appraisers. Okay, that would be awesome. I'm tired of doing this. You always have crazy people come up. Okay. It's just for the camera. Nobody watches the show anymore except these old ladies who just really are into Harry Potter erotica and and grape robbing. Okay.

61:17That's fair enough. All right, let's go to the next one. What okay, hello, sir.

61:20Uh, here on Antiques Roadshow. We pride ourselves on being able to tell you the exact price for your item. What's it's just weeping in front of you. It's like what seems to be the issue today.

61:32Oh, you know.

61:33Bought my project once, you know, shame on me, but bought my project twice and still the same on me. Well, what happened exactly? What did you bring in? No, I'm getting tired of getting roped into these people's personal drama. Sir, you brought in an item to Antiques Roadshow so I can appraise it.

61:52It's a blueprint.

61:54Oh, though. Oh, okay.

61:55Is it uh the old blueprint, new blueprint, a blueprint of something special? Do you know how long it takes to build a space station that can also move and blow up planets? Ooh, now this is something to get worked up about. Uh space stations are all the rage right now, especially uh a blueprint. Is it framed and signed or anything like that? I can sign it right here. I I am the creator of whoa, sir. You created this space station?

62:20Uh and they just like confidently unrolls it and then it's like it's the blueprints at the Death Star. Son of a [expletive].

62:28Yeah, there's only one of these in uh one in existence because the rebels kept stealing all the other ones. So uh yeah, uh, you know, uh, you know, the first time it happened, you know, they blew it up and I was like, wow, this is 17 years of my life. Um, but you know, I went, I saw a therapist, and it got better. You know, he said, what could happen? You know, that that was a fluke, uh just a crazy accident. There's no way they could destroy a second desk start. And they did. They did pretty much the exact same way as the first time. I look at it, look at it.

63:07I can see it. I I know that you're you're seeing therapy, and I know this is hard for you, but this blueprint is worth nothing. It it's worth everything to me.

63:15It blows up so easy. No, no, no, no. We're gonna go there. Look, if you look really closely at Brazor, you can see that nowhere were the did we ever install handrails. Not once. Not once did we put handrails anywhere. That sounds like a terrible thing. You just don't find that on space stations these days. You just don't find it. I know because safety is kind of a big deal. And see this, this is the 17th floor. Do you know what happens if you go to any room on the 17th floor? What could happen? Literally just jettison the space. Just jet it. I don't even know why. Like, there's no purpose of the 17th floor except to jettison people in the space.

63:48Okay, okay, okay. You it's a very nice blueprint.

63:51It looks like you spent a lot of time on it, but it's just not the right fit for antique. Oh, it's not the right fit. No, oh no. It looks this this thing in the womp rats. Another womp rat-sized laser beam directly down the center shaft at a 90-degree angle into the core reactor. That fit. That fit real good. Yeah, I heard that story.

64:11It would have been like a some magical force that drove that thing into there to destroy it.

64:15Doesn't even make sense. How do they even turn the shields off? How how does it you would need like wizard-like acrobatic magic to even navigate this space station?

64:25Yeah, but that still doesn't help here on Antiques Roadshow.

64:28The show you are currently Do you want it or not? Here, I sign it. Okay, it's worth five bucks. Best I can do, right? Five dollars. Yeah, I think it's nobody wants that.

64:37Okay, uh hey guys, uh, can I buy my career back for five dollars? No, no, ha ha no, I can't.

64:42I'm gonna need more than that. Well, it's a complete failure. Like, no, I'm gonna hold up a blaster and be like, whoa, man. Whoa, listen. I don't have a lot of options here. I don't have a lot. Tell me it's worth more.

64:52Okay, it's worth more. It's worth so much more. It's worth everything I have in my wallet. How about that?

64:56How much? How much do you have? Let me check my wallet. I swear to God.

From 65:00

65:03Security, get him. You know what? I'll finish it myself. And he like puts he like what's it in his head?

65:08It's just blow like plastic. Oh my god.

65:11Well, that is the most exciting thing that happened to me all week on Antiques Roadshow. I'm not even that upset about it. Let's go to the next. Hello, everyone at home. Sorry for this. We're gonna go to the next item. We'll have a couple more before our first commercial break. So up next here, um, sir, welcome to Antiques Roadshow. What do you have here? Mm-hmm.

65:33What could I get for a licorice whip? It hit my friends repeatedly in the deck.

65:39Oh, I see here. Let me investigate. This is a whip. In fact, made of licorice. It has chunks of orange flesh still connected to it. Little pieces of green hair, is it? What are you, sir? I've seen a lot come and go here at the Antiques Roadshow, but what are you? I don't think I've ever seen anything like you.

65:58Hm? I have an oopalump. I escaped from Willy Wonga's factory shortly after that entire fiasco went down at the facility and Osho stepped in. Yes, when all the children were hurt and that one girl was blown up like a blueberry and then they had to crush her. It was all over the news. Yeah, I crawled out through the the the sewage system in the chocolate river. Wow. Okay. And then you this actually could be worth something. Is it actually Willie Wonka's whip? Oh yes.

66:27He beat my friends in an inch of their life.

66:30Sometimes he even took out a knife. Wow. Okay. It's losing value the more you talk.

66:37So this belonged to a famed candy maker who is now deemed crazy and living in a mental ward in some kind of hospital right now.

66:46Willie Wonka, is that correct? Yep. And he'll get out. He always does.

66:51Yeah, I read a book where he got out and then he actually changed his name and then built a train and then launched a rocket into the air that caused an internal ice age, and then his train just went round and round and round.

67:04I've heard that story. It's not a story. Well, very well.

67:10The best I can do for your licorice whip. Um let me let me crunch some numbers here. Is about five thousand dollars, I think. Because we're still there's still some crazy fans out there, I think, who would want to buy us. But believe in the chunks of your friends like connected to that licorice whip.

67:27Witness protection regretted uh rejected my request. I need more money is my behest.

67:34Well, I'm sorry, but that's just not gonna happen. Here at Antiques Road Show, we really don't deal in this kind of [expletive] bull.

67:42I'm like looking over at the producer. Like, this is jumps up and grabs your shirt and pulls up, like, listen, kid. You think you think we all talk about funny games? No. Oh my god. I've been beating into an inch of my life. Okay, what do you need? And I'll praise it for that. What do you need? I need to get the f out of here. Willie, he's not he's not in prison. That's just a look of like. Do you know how many people look like Willie? He has clones. The candy, the candy pods, they were all clones. We weren't making everlasting grapstoppers, we were making everlasting Willy's. Oh my god. Have you thought about writing a book about this? No. Here, um, here's a typewriter, and let's walk into this little room over here.

67:42A typewriter, that'll take me forever. Let's smack him in. Oh my god. Okay. Alright, we're done with the last one. I cannot breathe. I'm running out of air. You're gonna die here at the Antiques Roadshow, just like me, okay? Somebody can't.

68:32No, we're all dying here, slowly but surely. Now, seriously though, there was a theory out there that Willy Wonka turned and made this train for Snowpiercer.

68:43Is that that was a yeah, it's a real theory. Yeah, it's a real you gotta watch it, it's awesome.

68:47Is it based on anything? Or are you like he goes, they do they say anything about who I don't remember Snowpiercer as well anymore? Did they say like who caused the whole Snowpiercer thing? Was it suggested or I think it was suggested that it was him that he sent the rocket off or whatever and then he made the train, yeah. But there's a whole thing about it. There's a video out there, watch it. It's awesome. It tells you that Willy Wonka is actually a Snowpiercer guy.

69:10Because it's like the WW or whatever. It's awesome. I love it. Okay, okay. Last thing on the item here at Antiques Roadshow. Um, you, sir, what do you have?

69:21Ugh, yeah. Listen, uh, this is a first edition book uh from somebody I knew on Tatooine.

69:28Uh, very well. Uh the book from outer space from a different planet. That is very good. It is signed. It is first edition. Um my god, what is the title of your book, sir?

69:39Uh yeah, this is a first edition copy of Uncle Owen's Guide to Moisture Farming. And uh it's signed by Uncle Owen.

69:46Who is now deceased. But you understand that the problem with this book, sir, is that nobody else is going to need to know how to moisture farm unless they're on [expletive] tattooing.

69:58Then sell on tattooing. I don't care. I just need some money, dude.

From 70:00

70:01You know, not a lot of money in moisture farming. I don't know if you know this.

70:04Okay, so uh Uncle Owen was a half-brother to Dark Lord Vader, and blah, blah, blah. Um, how much is it worth? Yes, hold on. I'm appraising my let me calculate. Carry the children. Did I read you the note inside? No, what does the note inside say, sir?

70:22It said, uh Dearest, dearest uh Luke, uh I know one day that I know I missed your spell bee last week, and I know that it was kind of not cool that I told you you couldn't get to the Starfleet. You can't. But also, I believe that you should want that dream, and I want it for you too. And this is getting really long for a book inscription, but I hope that tonight, when you get home from finding the droids, that you'll find two parents who love you and really want you to have the best. And if that means pretending that you're gonna be in the Starfleet, then then we'll do it.

70:22But but just here, here's my life, and I want you to be a part of my life too, and that includes moisture farming. Love or go on. Was this a and then the date is like the exact date of like whenever day they get [expletive] like murdered by the right?

71:18Oh wow, that is a that's a note in the book, like a little side note in the cover there.

71:24Yeah, it's like a whole page. Wow. How big is this book on moisture farming? Oh, it's actually not long. There's not a lot to it because it just It's like four pages.

71:32Like get moisture evaporator, install moisture evaporator, gain benefits. Let me repeat.

71:41Okay, sir. The best oh my god, with that note, that really brings up the value a lot. I'd say, uh, what did this book real tail for? Is there on its first edition? Has there only been how many of these books were even made?

71:53Uh this it's first edition because he didn't actually publish it. He just wrote it. Like he just wrote it in like paper, and then that's why it's four pages. Lars, uh, I'll go on. He he wasn't. I mean, listen, he'd never even painted the ceiling in like 16 years. Like no, his his dad, Lars, was still alive when they're there, the little like moon sand den.

72:13Right. I heard he really let the place go. Really let it go. He never did anything. Yeah. Okay, the okay. There's a blue milkstain right there. Okay, yeah. The the the best I can do here for you now is probably about $6.75 on the first edition signed book. Honestly, that's more than I thought.

72:29Or actually, what's the what's the price of our weird tier?

72:34Oh, it's like $12.38.

72:37Okay, the best I can do for the book is $12.38. That's an outstanding deal for what you're getting for the content inside this book. You're not gonna get that kind of value anywhere else.

72:47Yeah, if if if I go away, will you give me the money? Yes, here, take it. Alright, thank you. Oh my god, can I go home now? Uh yeah, uh, we do. Uh next week, we're gonna have uh a few more people. Um yeah, we have uh the Witcher's um underwear and also um a few more surprises. So who's that son of a [expletive]'s blaster? Go home and get refreshed, and we'll be back next week, Gary.

73:15Vernon Hellville. See you next week.

73:19All right, well, that was another very interesting rapid roleplay. If you're still listening, uh audience, like we appreciate it. Thank you for sticking with us. Uh, sometimes it's great, and sometimes sometimes it's rolling rapids. Right. And then we're working out the kings from well play rapids, all right?

73:36Not everything can be Kool-Aid guy, like I said, or DD Deathmatch. So deal with it, okay? It's just a dollar.

73:43Um how dare you. Uh listen, so go ahead. If you're listening to our podcast on whatever channel, go ahead and rate us, give us give us five stars, give us no just five stars. I don't want less than that. Give us five stars, leave us a review if your channel lets you do that, and then go to our social media, um, Instagram.com slash no onepresents, any channel slash no one presents, go to our website, no onepresents.com, and of course, check out that Patreon. It's only a dollar. It's just a dollar. How many times do I have to say that? It's just a dollar. We're getting desperate. And leave some comments, please. And you too can be immortalized like ME68 53 278. You too can be a part of our horrible roleplay. Thanks for stopping by.

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