A Fate Worse Than McDeath

From 0:00

0:00Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents Daft Monks. Hey Nate. Hey hey. The the new title still uh it's getting me, you know? It's the start of season two. It's I just gotta get in the flow of things.

0:14We just gotta switch it up. We gotta switch it up. Just real fast, if you're brand new to the show, welcome. We weren't always called Daft Monks where Nat One presents, and before we just called it the podcast, but we got a little interesting. We're gonna talk all season about our favorite characters, the D Hunters or the Daft Monks. So that's where the name comes from. And if you're a current listener, um, out with the old and in with the new Daft Monks, it is. Welcome back. And welcome back to you, Nate. New year. I haven't seen you in weeks.

0:41I know. It's been a long time since you've been quarantined and isolated, and you know, I didn't even get to see your tattoo in person. I'm really upset about that.

0:50It has been brutal [expletive] Nate. Like, I'm hating 2022 already. I already hate it. Like, this is the episode normally, guys. Like, Nate is the kind of ranty, like, this really grinds my gears, guy. But like, I'm super angry this this month. I don't know what it is. It's my time of the year, apparently, or whatever. But um, I am super grumpy. I had like COVID, loss in the family, military service. I'm just like, I'm over it, man. It's not been my favorite year, but at least we got the podcast going. That's true. We got it. Even though we're far away, we still got it. That's right. Big deal for us. We used to record in person.

0:50If you're a new listener, Nate and I used to we used to flip my bedroom into a makeshift studio once a week. Um, we just literally threw the mattress up against the wall, pulled in my kitchen table, and then threw some mics on there. Um, it was wild. It was a good time.

1:41Yeah.

1:42New Year, new ish slash same [expletive] show. But uh the great thing about recording remotely now, uh, you know, Nate and I were always like talking over each other on, and we're kind of like being heard on each other's mics. So pretty, pretty excited that we can like actually edit this podcast now. I can like separate when we talk over each other excitedly or just like make things audible or cut out the long rants that I go on.

2:06But I'm gonna miss that in person, you know? Yeah, just sitting there zoning out, yeah, watching you just rant on and on. And I'm just thinking to myself, man, I gotta I gotta spice this up.

2:19I gotta break into this conversation somehow, this one-way conversation. So anything any I mean, I just have a lot to complain about, Nate. So hopefully you can bring some kind of positivity in the world here. Anything new and exciting going on for 2022?

2:34Oh, I'm getting a new job.

2:37Whoa, that that is pretty new and exciting.

2:39Yeah, we're moving back to Nevada, you know, closer to grandma and babysitters. It's the right thing to do right now.

2:47You're choosing to. It's not like you're like you have no options, like you lost your job. Like it, you're just moving back to be closer to family, right? So that's it. Yeah, pretty much. That sounds great. I'm sure your whole family's excited, and grandma, I'm sure the kids that'll be everybody and hopefully you will be happy about it too.

3:05Oh, yeah. Mom won't shut the [expletive] up about it. As soon as I said something, she's like, I already cleaned out the back room. You come on over. I'm like, I haven't even interviewed yet. Like, well, too bad. I already put a placard with your name on the front door. I'm like, oh my god. Wow. Yeah, she's excited. She's pumped. No, she didn't do anything. She cleaned out the back rooms. But it's like you have the same name too. So oh no, we have different names.

3:27We have different names. Oh, okay, okay. That would just be redundant then.

3:32No, it's like uh gonna be Stallcut plus Hildebrand now on the top.

3:35Oh, right, right, right, right. Okay, that's fair. Well, cool. That is exciting. I'm glad I'm glad you have some good news to share. Uh, hopefully, moving is I think never ever ever fun.

3:45So hopefully No, I don't know what kind of psycho is like, you know what I can't wait to do is pack up my whole house and move that somewhere else.

3:51Whoever says that to you, punch him in the face and call him a liar because that's literally not true at all. Nobody, nobody enjoys it. Are you guys able to like hire movers or are you gonna have to load that [expletive] yourself?

4:02Uh we did manage to secure some kind of financial bonus to help with the move.

4:14It's so much better if you can if you can like get pay somebody to move you because it's just like like moving doesn't isn't just the process of the day you put stuff in a truck and then like the you take it out. It's like all the packing beforehand, the weeks afterwards of the boxes sitting everywhere. Like it's a much longer process. So if you can speed that up in any way, I'm sure that it's I think it's worth it.

4:40Because another guy paid to have his whole house moved, he got another job somewhere else. I know you're from from that side of the world. It's uh Fisher's Island, I think it's called. He got a job over there. Okay. And take a wild guess how much it was to pack up his house and move it to Fisher's Island.

4:58I mean, that had to be thousands, like like. Okay, I wouldn't I would have guessed like eight, nine, maybe, right because that's a big distance.

From 5:00

5:08And then to go on a ferry over to an island, like I guess that just shoots the price way up. Inflation that's fair. Cost of boat fuel. You know, nobody has sailboats anymore. Boat fuel's going up through the roof, you know.

5:22It's the only one who has something to say about boat fuel or any kind of fuel at any time, any resource. He has a feel an opinion about it.

5:30Like Alaska, which is rich in oil and timber, you know?

5:34Oh god. If you don't get that joke, go back and listen to all of season one. You won't have to go many episodes before you'll you'll pick up on the run into robot jacks. Yep. Well, that's great news. Um, I'm gonna go ahead and hijack this conversation now and say, I'm glad you started the year great because it has not been so great for me. Well, with the exception of getting my tattoo. But basically, I have embraced a life of crime. Yeah, I'm a criminal now. It's a big deal. Um, basically, I I've been working on this half sleeve. You probably heard about it in the first season, right? I was about to give up.

5:34I tried all these artists, I talked a bunch of [expletive] about local artists that I didn't like who didn't get my master vision, but I finally got that figured out. So I got this badass half sleeve, and then I got remedial school training for breaking the law.

6:21Ooh, what law did you break? Are you allowed to say?

6:24Uh, it was a traffic violation. You such a bad boy. I was such a bad boy. I it was I ran a red light. Um now to me that sounds like not a big deal. Or before my rehabilitation, I would have thought running a red light would have just got you a ticket and a couple points on your driver's license, which it does also do that. Um, but I guess Arizona has so many collisions and deaths from just red lights. It's like running a red light. So there are three things that will get you traffic school in Arizona, I learned. One, DUI. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Two, more than eight points on your driver's license. Okay. Which running a red light is about, I think, three, three points, or maybe four.

6:24Oh, that's not too bad. Number three is running a red light itself, just because I guess we have such a the state has such a bad record. So, nay, I kid you not, there was 15 people in this class. At least this is not an exaggeration. Seven to eight had DUIs, some multiple DUIs in that class. The kid in front of me was doing donuts in the parking lot, which I mean, awesome hats off to you. But then there's just me and this little old lady who ran a red light just sitting in this classroom, and I'm like, I don't feel like I belong here, Nate.

7:42Ooh, definitely not that old lady.

7:44Like, like I know we're all we're all lawbreakers here, but I feel like one of these things is not like the other. Like, like this is your 4D UI. And I was 0.5 seconds from being over the like invisible curve line for right.

8:02It was the new half sleeve. They took one look at you and just labeled it.

8:05They're profiling me, Nate. Yes, they're profiling me. It's unbelievable. Like, this guy broke the law and he's probably gonna do it again. So listen, I was going into it of like, you know what, it had been a while. I could use a refresher on some traffic training. I'm like, I was being humble about it first, of like, all right, yeah, like I'm gonna learn some rule, like some laws, okay. Nate, this mandatory eight and a half hour class was the most hippie [expletive] thing I have ever been. And Nate, like any listener on the show who has listened before knows that like I'm the liberal one by a lot. Okay. And Nate's the angry conservative.

8:05Well, I was channeling like all of my angry conservative energy because I'm like, this is such ridiculous, like feeling fruo-fruo [expletive]. Like, I could not believe the first four hours, Nate, were was about they said psychology, but it was really just like, I let me just let you let I want you to be the judge, Nate. Yeah, the first section I made sense, okay? It was like they're like right off the bat, like, what did you do? And who's important to you? And then they try to like guilt you with the like, and what happened, what would have how did that affect the person you love? And I'm like, well, I ran a red light, they literally didn't even know about it. I didn't even tell them.

8:05I didn't get a ticket for like a month later, and then I paid it, and it literally out of a separate bank account, like they literally had no idea, so it didn't affect them. Then they go into like, what would have happened if you lost that person? I'm like, I just ran a red light again. Like the DUI guy maybe needs to like sit back and like think about this, but like I didn't kill anybody. Um so I alright, immediately defensive. Then it goes into Nate the five basic human needs that we are all born with. Could you tell me guess guess give me just like a quick guess one or two of them? Uh food. Okay, nope. Air. Oh no. Um sorry, Nate, you've been very misinformed. It's power, recognition, freedom, independence, fun, enjoyment.

8:05These are like two parters, love and belonging, and survival. Um these are the five human needs. Yeah.

From 10:00

10:15Well, obviously, China didn't get the news flash because I'm pretty sure they don't have freedom or love over there.

10:21So to help illustrate these, Nate, here's some some stock photos of a woman with the megaphone. Oh yeah. With driving. You like you could have hit them running on the red light. The woman with the megaphone, you could have hit her running on the red line. I wanted to hit the the course instructor. This is this was blowing my mind. Nate, and then get this. They show a video for each one of those, and it's all like stock photos is one thing. Like I've I've I've even used like stock photos, but in for each video, they showed just stock video footage. So for fun, it was like a hot air balloon into a speed boat, into and I'm like, what the [expletive]?

10:21And then like freedom was like someone on top of the mountain, like with their hands up. And I'm like, what does this have? Nate, four hours later is finally after the lunch break, is when we started learning laws. And then she's like, I have to get through this. Like, we just have to go over this part. I'm like, this is the part that I should be here for. Like the actual laws, like, just tell me what to do to not be here again. Why are we here? We had to, oh my goodness, it was it was so bad.

11:27Um Do you think it was like the subliminal like messaging, like trying to like flash into your brain, like bald eagle, freedom? Uh, don't run red light. It was bananas, mate.

11:37Like, I don't know if you're like a big DC like person, but there's like in the DC universe, there's Granny Goodness who works for a dark side, and she's just like a woman. She she like rehabilitates like people into like villains. But like I felt like I was at Granny Goodness's like driver survival course, and all her goal was was to say all this ridiculous [expletive] until I was just brittle, like riddled with rage, and I just wanted to absolutely lose my mind. It was insane. They made us many times add up all the fees we paid, like for like, well, what did this cost you in tickets and fees? And how much did this cast cost?

11:37And then for the DUI people, it's crazy because they're like, How much did the breathalyzer cost per month? And how much to get this? And like, anyway, they pay thousands of dollars. Like, you get a DUI. What I learned is like you're paying 10 to 20 K. Like after all your fees, your legal, your breathalyzer, all that [expletive]. It's expensive. That was that was the biggest takeaway I got is like I can't afford to be a delinquent, mate. Like, I don't have that money. Right. I don't the system literally like it charges you to be like it is more financially savvy to just go on with your life because it's it's too expensive.

12:42And that's why other people end up doing jail time. Like a DUI is like a rich person's crime, you know, like absolutely the poor guy can't afford a DUI. It's crippling.

12:50Well, and like obviously, like, you know, don't drink and drive very kind of like straightforward thing, but like we can go into it, like the whole keys could be in the ignition, but they don't have to be in the ignition. The key could even be like you could have thrown the keys outside the window and just be taking a nap on the side of the road, and that's gonna count as a like a DUI. Like there was a girl who stopped, watched a police officer get her car hit, and then she like reported what happened, and then they're like, And where'd you come from? And she was like from a party, and she was like 20, and she got like a DUI and she had like one drink, and she like Yeah.

12:50Well, and they were like, Okay, you're free to go. And then she started to drive away, and then they stopped her, like, and I maybe because like the yeah, bananas, like, and anyway, this isn't against cops, but I'm just saying, like entrapment. People make mistakes, but like, wow, like you know, that that girl has to start her like pretty young career, you know, with with a very heavy like mistake and burden.

12:50So definitely once you once you like fall, you make those mistakes, it just gets harder to climb out, and it like it's like you're starting from behind, you know, like you're you're at a disadvantage for your rest of your life, like almost feels like like rich people can afford to just pay it and move on, pay the legal fees, whatever, but like have multiple cars that they probably don't even need a breathalzer in every single one of them. But like, you know, young people can't do that. So don't drink and drive. Uh don't run a red light for God's sake.

14:10I think this can all just go back to don't get tattoos.

14:14All right, so let's move on. We are a sometimes DD podcast, maybe ish. And so today's kind of a hot topic, Nate. I want to go over with you is the next version of Dungeons and Dragons. It's coming. Ish. Yeah, monsters of the multiverse. Well, first off, Nate, did you ever play? I've only ever played 5e. I'm pretty brand new to the series. Did you play three version three?

14:39I have the first edition books and I read through them, but I would not want to play it. It's a lot more strict. Like 5e is kind of loosey goosey, where they're like, Yeah, go do whatever you want.

14:52But like, this is like yeah, they made it mainstream.

14:54Yeah. So I I don't think I'd even want to play another version right now.

14:59Yeah. Okay, well, so so here's kind of the scoop name, right? So DD turns 50 in 2024, it would be 50 years old, and so that's when they want to launch the next iteration of this game. Um, but like here's the thing 5e was explosive. They lowered the bar for the game, and that made, you know, it like instead of gatekeeping, like it made it easier for just casual gamers and people like me, basically, to break in and start playing. So it has been explosively successful. And so there was a lot of speculation that basically they're not going to come up with just a new edition, they're gonna try to scale this version.

From 15:00

15:37Oh, okay. It makes sense. What are your thoughts on the so much stuff? Like, I'm fine with that. Like, I reading through it, you sent me the article, and it seems like they just really want to open the thing up to make it all kinds of weird stuff, but it's fine. Like, because you're still basically all the rule sets are gonna be the same. It's only things like character classes and races and things like that are gonna be altered to basically just make this huge [expletive] I don't even know what.

16:08They're slowly scaling it, they're removing like a lot of when it was like suggested ailments or alignments or suggested like characteristics or features. They're basically saying, like, we're not gonna put in any like unnecessary detail, like, yes, when we had written these books, we imagined a dwarf in this kingdom had this type of attitude, but at this point, play what you want, how you want. Like, your dwarf doesn't have to follow that, and so they're really trying to remove a lot of that. I do feel like that's maybe there's a little bit of like modern pressure of like taking away characteristics, like they don't want goblins and like gold to like come off, like you know, like they're trying to paint some kind of ethnic group or whatever.

16:47So I think there's a little bit of a works in their negative intelligence, like the f who cares, yeah.

16:52No one cares, but their whole thing is like they're they just want to keep making it to play however you want to play. And honestly, Nate, I'm fine with that because that's really what at least my groups already do. We do not strongly stick to the alignment, and I don't think you should I've never been a fan of the alignment because people have breaking points and they change, right? Like, so oh yeah, I I get that like some powers are attached to not breaking your alignment. Like if you have, you know, you know, like you're a cleric or a paladin, like alignment then can be more important. Like that was interesting, but then make that just a class feature.

16:52But the rest of the characters, like you could have a [expletive] bag rogue who at the very end, like you did the the like number one memory I have of you as a rogue nate was you rolling a sleight of hand to put gold in a poor person's pocket as a rogue, like you know, like so you did and you're still were probably a [expletive] rogue, but you did a good thing. Like people are unpro the human race or any uh us playing as even as other characters, we're unpredictable, right? So I I don't think we should have to follow alignments and characteristics like [expletive] it, let me play the way I want to play any. Right. I don't know who follows that [expletive], anyways.

17:59Like, who's that much of a rules lawyer that they're like, oh, sorry, you have to be lawful good, and T Flings have to be chaotic evil. Yeah, like that's the only way they can go about it because of their demon blood. Like, shut the [expletive] up, dude. Like, that's so boring.

18:14That's so boring. I don't know. Like, there was a I don't know, there was an age where maybe that made sense, but I I just don't think so anymore. Like, we just have a lot of options and games and stories to indulge in. Why would I play one that tells me how I have to play, you know? Right. If you play with our group, there's always a shtick too. Like our characters always have I don't know, I build my characters around a shtick. So um this this next season, I'm doing an illusionist wizard who can't remember a lot of his past, and so he actually believes like sometimes he accidentally, almost like wild magic sorcery, casts illusions, and then he can't tell if they're real or not.

18:14So he's just bananas, kind of like Joker from the movie. So but he's a lot nicer.

18:55Uh side note, how much backstory did he send you for your thing?

19:00Well, he's literally like, well, since you can't remember your past, you don't get really a backstory, but he gave me uh some like fragment memory memory fragments.

19:09Ooh, okay, that's cool.

19:10So I just have like maybe seven bullets of like things I vaguely remember, but I wrote my story that way. I literally said, like, I remember my childhood, and then I like met these like puppeteers who did like children's shows, and then I fell in love with one of them, and then I don't really remember anything else except that I've been doing that on my own now. I'm like in my 60s, and I've been doing that by myself now for years.

19:34I like it. I think it's gonna be fun. I only ask because I got like three [expletive] pages of backstory sent back to me of the whole world, and then apparently he liked my backstory enough that he rewrote it and made it better. And this gave that yes, it's better, and gave it back to me like more details, like people's names, this and that, this and that, what's been going on, and then I get a bunch of perks for my character now because maybe maybe I should have tried harder then, because I really literally it's like this much text in a word doc.

From 20:00

20:07I did get like the whole world building stuff, but when it got to me, I just got vague. But I feel like that's gonna be fun for me because I I don't know, I'm gonna enjoy like being like, was that an important plot point? Like that thing that I remember, like it'll be fun. And then I'm also just gonna do this thing where like I'm gonna be like, oh, I remember there's a great bar down the road, and then like I don't know if it'll be there, and like maybe I'll have him just roll. Like, was there a bar there? Who knows? Like, maybe am I making it up in my head? Like, I think this will just be a blast.

20:33Oh, yeah. It'll be the only time you're not expected to take notes because I know you don't [expletive] take notes anyways.

20:38[expletive] no, that's not the game I want to play. And there are people we play with people who do, right? James do. I think even you do sometimes. I take notes. Um, I don't know if Don does. Don might it might just be me. Me that does it. But I'm also the type of person who like when we're just idly not doing anything anymore, I'm like, okay, like I'm the I'm the rally the troops and roleplay something.

21:00Um usually when you roleplay, you'll come up with a made-up name, and then somebody will say the correct name because they took notes, and then you will quickly say, Yeah, that's what I said. That's happened numerous times. Oh, really?

21:16I can't tell if I do that on purpose or not, actually. I think that might be not on purpose.

21:21It's just so automatic now. You'll be like, yeah, and then Johnson, and we'll be like, Oh, Stevenson, yeah, that's what I said. Now like this son of a [expletive].

21:32Uh I guess that's a plug for so professional DEMs. If you guys are listening, um, we've been trying one. Um, and I don't know. I I think we're a fan. Um it really comes.

21:43I like it.

21:44It comes down to like finding the right person. I looked really hard for this person. Um, I wanted somebody who wasn't a rules lawyer, right? Um huge. I wanted somebody who like was a little, you know, like wanted to have a little bit of fun, but also still wanted to write elaborate backstories and whatnot. So I Think I think we found a good balance. Um, if you're if you're trying to decide, should I pay for a professional DM, just decide if anybody in your group A wants to DM and B has the time to do it well. And for us, those were both no. Like we want to be players. There's four of us. We all want to play.

21:44We don't none of us really wants to like take bite, take the hit and and be the DM. And then secondly, even if we could, like you were, you were the best at an A, honestly, at DMing. But like you have kids, you have family, like you don't really have the time to put the extra work. It's it's a lot easier to be a player than it is to be a DM.

22:33And I like to play, you know. Yeah.

22:35No, same play. Same thing. So I think it was a good call. I'm glad we found somebody who like vibes with our group. And um, if he's listening to the show, he says he does, but we also pay him to hang out with us. So like I felt like of course he was gonna be like, Oh, yeah, I'll totally that's what I would have said. I would have been like, Oh, I'm gonna listen to every episode, and then like not never even look it up ever.

22:54So we'll know he's our real friend when the money that we're paying him comes back to the Nat 1% Patreon. That's right, that's right.

23:02And honestly, it's not that hard to track him because we probably don't have a lot of listeners from Canada. So, like, if I start to see Canada reviewership, I'll know he's not full of [expletive]. Um so we'll see though.

23:13We will see.

23:14We'll see. Um, so yeah, I did want to, I guess I got a little off topic here, but the next next iteration, uh, like I said, we do think that Wizards of the Coast is just trying to scale the current game. I guess we're on board with that. But what I'm not sure I'm on board on is this monsters of the multiverse package thing, Nate. So it's this like new book, which sounds the book itself sounds cool. It's divided into two parts. The first part is like, hey, we're take 33 of these character races and put them all in one book that they were previously across multiple books. I'm like, all right, that's cool.

23:14And then the second half is 250 monsters, and some of them are new, and then again, consolidating kind of um what was the monster book manual called?

23:58This one's gonna be monsters of the multiverse, yeah. But uh other monster books there, there's volos, volos, that's what I was thinking. The monster manual, I think the other one was.

24:07Yeah, so I think it's combining a bunch of those. Right. It's combining a bunch of those, and I know I remember them saying too same thing of like they don't want monsters to be from one region anymore because they're uh the hot word is multiverse everywhere. And so they're imagining like like D D has it's not just the Forgotten Realms, you know, like uh critical role universe is canon, you know, that like that's an actual universe. So they want Wild Mount, yeah. They want their enemies now that can be part of any of those. So so all that sounds great, but here's the thing you kind of can't just buy that book, I don't think. I think you have to buy uh here, I'll just read the blurb for this one.

24:07So uh Mordecai and Presents Monsters of the Multiverse will debute as a physical product as part of the Dungeons and Dragons rules expansion gift set, which retails for $169.99. $170. I like the 69 part. But the hundred in front of that is really [expletive] me over, I feel like. That's a lot. And then it will be released on January 25th. Pre-orders for the standalone book and for digital platforms such as Fantasy Crowns, Roll 20, and DD Beyond um will begin on January 18th, and then they'll deliver May 17th. So I don't know. Like I think that I think the expansion, the Drunge and Dragons rules expansion gift set comes with that and then two other books. Um I think it's Tosh's culture of everything.

24:07Yeah, it's that one, and then I think it's the other uh Xanthar's guide to everything. Thank you, thank you. Nate is like, yeah, I already have both.

From 25:00

25:38So why yeah, if it only comes in the kit, why the [expletive] would I pay the money for everything when I already have two of the three books?

25:44I would pay monsters if it was just Monsters of the Multiverse, right, for the usual 50, 60 bucks, and then I could like kind of not get rid of, but like put those other two books away. Okay, we're consolidating, we're updating, we're adding some new stuff. Cool, I'd be down $170 for two books you already had, um, and then this kind of like consolidated book, not feeling it.

26:04Not feeling because I also have Mordeciman's Tone Toma Foes, which is is that just out the window now? Because that's an entire book about monsters and demons and where they come from. But apparently there is some demon sitting on a couch somewhere who got upset because we weren't politically correct saying he came from one of the nine hells. So excuse me, you know, right now everyone's up in a tizzy about it.

26:27So you probably won't buy it. I'll probably still buy it. They also came out with ingots for some of the have you seen that online? Um they did they're only making like 10,000 of each ingot, and it's like an ingot that represents like the monster manual and like some of the first few books as some kind of celebration. It's cool, but like I don't know, Nate. It's useless. Like they're just it's an ingot of a book. It's not even the book or it's not the cover of the book, it's just an ingot representing a book you already have, Nate.

27:00Yeah, sounds like something I want.

27:04Sounds good. Well, I'm very curious to see. I ultimately I think they're too invested in DD Beyond. I think 5e has been too explosive. So we're just I think the next iteration in 2024 will be a 5.5 or will just be this weird expansion of the multiverse. And but I don't think it's gonna be a new game by any means.

27:24No, especially with them launching the DD Beyond website and everything like that. Could you imagine if they actually wanted to implement a whole new rules? On top of that, yeah, it'd be bananas. No, so I think 5e is here to stay for a long while.

27:38I think so. I think so. And money talks, Nate. Oh yeah. All right. So shifting gears. So uh this new season, if if you've listened in the the first season, which was NatWhen presents the podcast, we usually do like some kind of activity. Um this season, we're still gonna do the activity, and then we're always gonna finish with some Daft Monks uh just kind of real play ongoing DD campaign. But for today's activity, which kind of goes on the pop culture area, Nate, I want to ask you have you ever seen a movie and thought I could have written that better? Oh, lots of Mortal Kombat being the first one that comes to mind. Any horror movie you've probably ever seen, right?

28:15Any horror movie. Um The Last Terminator I watched, I don't even know what it was. Rise of the Machines, probably. They still have me. I could have wrote that better.

28:27Yikes. Yeah, so well, here's your chance, Nate. So uh uh we're gonna today workshop the plot of major 2022 blockbuster movies. So I have what's this uh six movies here. I have six movies, and I have the kind of start of the premise they've unleashed or they kind of like made public. But since the movies haven't gone out yet, I figure we can go ahead and just write the rest of the script for them, right? They're probably not through production yet. Like we'll just we'll tell them how this movie should go, right? Yep. All right, so first one I got for us, right? Aquaman 2. So uh and I'll read you this is kind of like the brief, this is all they've told us about the premise for Aquaman 2.

28:27Aquaman forges an uneasy alliance with an unlikely ally to save Atlantis and the rest of the planet. Where do we think this movie should go?

29:13Ooh, man, to save Atlantis and the rest of the planet. I feel like the rest of the planet's taking a backseat on this. So there's gonna be zero time with the rest of the planet because it's like the person you don't want to talk about. So the whole thing is gonna be in Atlantis. Obviously, there's probably gonna be some kind of dark underbelly. Uh Jason Momoa might get his hair chopped off to pull like a Thor transformation kind of thing. Like, well, we can transform too, you know. Uh maybe he'll be buffer, maybe uh to jazz it up a little bit since DC's been slacking, there might be some partial frontal nudity. I don't know.

29:50I want some tattooed nips, that's all I'm saying.

29:52Right, who knows, you know? But as far as an actual plot, man, I don't know. There's gonna be um an evil merman of some kind who's gonna find some ancient wreck relic that came from space and that actually powers Atlantis, and um he has to do something with it. Oh no, Atlantis is crumbling, he flees to the surface. Uh Aquaman teams up with some [expletive] who's not the [expletive] that got beat up by Johnny Depp allegedly. It's some other chick. And actually, is it this movie? Oh, is it? Yeah, she's how come she gets to keep doing movies. How come they have a different Dumbledore come in?

From 30:00

30:29Huh? So who's found innocent? Well, we'll get to Dumbledore in a sec. I think you're spot on, but here's what I think happened. So I think like the like the save Atlantis and the rest of the planet, I think this is a uh uh undercover environmental movie, and I think actually the threat is humans because that usually is being serious for a second, the DC stuff, Atlantic Atlanteans are always pissed that we're just literally dumping garbage. Like it's like that scene. I don't know what like animated show I was watching, but like they clean up all of the garbage and put it in the truck, and then the Trump just backs up and dumps it back into the ocean. Like, that's so like I feel like that's what's happening.

30:29And Atlanta's is like, this is [expletive]. So then the unlikely ally is actually our friend Goethe Thornberg, who gets gills and goes underwater and becomes an environmentalist Aqua Woman. And she also, you know, like the women always have sorcery, right? I don't know why only like women get it. It that's not how it is in like the comics, but in like whenever you watch an Aquaman movie, it's always like the female, like the queen's like his like love interest. They all have magic, and Aquaman's just like a guy with like a lance and like fins or gills. I don't know. Yeah, talks to fish and [expletive]. Yeah, whatever. So I feel that's what I think is gonna happen.

30:29I think it's yeah, it's gonna turn around, try to like blindsight us and be like, you're the problem, and then Greta's just gonna go on like a 30-minute rant, like not even in character, and then the movie's just gonna end. That's what I'm thinking.

31:48Like the backdrop fades out, and then it's just her and it's just all black behind her, and there's like [expletive] uh music going on in the background, and it's just panning in on her face.

31:59Exactly.

32:00You know, it might pan over one time to see a Native American with a tear rolling down the cheek, like that old commercial, you know, where they're littering, and then it goes right back to Greta, and then like she's mad.

32:11You see the fire in her eyes. It eventually zooms like 7,000% into like a vein on her forehead while still hearing her speech.

32:20And that looks like a [expletive] redwood tree in California, you know, that's like protected and stuff.

32:27I think we nailed it. I think sign seal deliver, print it, it's ready to go. It's in the movie. It's in the movie.

32:36DC, send us our paycheck.

32:38So it's funny you mentioned Dumbledore because the next one is the next uh secrets of Dumbledore. What uh I think what was that? Fantastic Beasts is the the series. So I'll I'll give you the premise, right? And then you can you can kind of we can run with it, right? So Professor Albus Dumbledore knows the powerful dark wizard Grundelwald is moving to seize control of the wizarding world. Uh unable to stop him alone, he entrusts Newt Commander to lead an intrepid team of wizards and witches. They soon encounter an array of old and new beasts as they clash with Grendelwald's growing legion of followers. Pretty vague, honestly. Right. Like that's literally kind of just what the last movie was-ish. Yes, the same thing. Yeah.

33:19And maybe they throw in a Nicholas Flamel, but um, here's the secret of Dumbledore. You're not [expletive] Johnny Depp, dude. Like Grindelwald, like you're just some other guy. I don't know who you are. My time is invested with the Depster. Shoot Law. No, that's Dumbledore. Yeah. But Johnny Depp is supposed to be Grindelwald. Like, I don't know who you are. So, like, who's this other guy? I've seen him in another movie before.

33:42I think they need to do the reverse. So, you know how like Dumbledore's actor is way too young looking now compared to like where he should be in the timeline? I think they need to do the opposite. Now that they've replaced Grindelwald's like actor, he needs to be like at least 80 years old. Yes, like super [expletive] old, like having like trouble like with basic mobility through in every scene. I think that's where we need to go.

34:04Um I would have been behind that. Like he's coming out with a walker and [expletive], and he's like, ooh, what happened? I used to love you. And he's like, Oh, I pulled a Palpatine, man. I was doing force lightning, and all of a sudden I aged 150 years. I hate when that happens, you know.

34:17Yeah, I'm not wearing nice suits anymore, man. It's back to these robes for me now, dog. Letting my old nuts flow in the breeze, yo.

34:25Yeah, I like it. I think that's where we go. What do you think Dumbledore's secret is?

34:30Oh, do you think now living in the world we're living in today, I think he's gonna come out as gay.

34:39That's not a secret, Nate.

34:40Like, that's not it is in the time period, Nate. Maybe it's a time period piece.

34:46It gets weird. Well, I so like I'm more all right, let's put that aside for a sec. I'm kind of more confused that like so Grindelwald convinced this other guy that he's Dumbledore's little brother. He's a Dumbledore, but he's not a Dumbledore. No. I think that's kind of like where we left off, right? Like this kid thinks.

From 35:00

35:10Oh yeah, that's kind of interesting. Right? I'm not against that. Who knows?

35:14You know what is the state of this this like movie series? Like, is it just rapidly going down the toilet? Or I thought the first one was meh. I kind of like the second one. If you forgive certain things like Nicolas Flamel, um, and just other random random [expletive] going on. I kind of liked the second one. Like, I wanted to cry. I love the chick who's in love with the fat guy. Yes, I do too. I love her. And when she chose, spoiler alert, to kind of like go with Grindelwald, like I wanted to cry. Every every other character is like irrelevant, but I I do think Newt's character is like a really great actor.

35:14He's just like out of place in this like fantasy world of people just like doing like a paycheck Harry Potter movie, and then he's like trying to go for the Academy Award of like a like broken wizard guy with weird like social skills.

36:03I think that's one of the biggest problems is the I love the characters. I love the fat guy, I love the chick who loves the fat guy, I love Newt, you know, and then they just put these characters that I have grown to love into a story that's like, oh, I didn't see that coming, you know, like really pulled the wool over my eyes this time. That must be the secret.

36:27That's the movie was brutal.

36:30Right. Like, oh, this [expletive]'s still alive. Oh, wow, and now you're gonna throw Nagini in there. Like, come on, like you don't have to do that [expletive], you don't have to keep linking it back and forth all the time. Like, who gives a [expletive]? You already have Dumbledore in there, like that's fine, leave it at that. What's next? Like, you're gonna have baby Harry Potter come in out of [expletive] nowhere with a rattle and shaking it around and be like, oh, it's Harry Potter. It's like no, you don't need it.

36:53There's gotta there's gonna be more cameos. I can't think of who they'll be. I don't know if Giants live a long time or something, but like we're gonna have other cameos. I know it.

37:02Oh, yeah, it'll be [expletive] baby Haggard coming up with his dad and be like, oh, I can't wait to go to Hogwarts, and Dumbledore would be like, Oh, well, you want to know a secret? I fondled Giants. That's my secret of Dumbledore. [expletive] third movie. Jot It Dow.

37:17Jot It Down. It's in the movie. Okay. It's in the movie. Let's let's move on because that's getting a little off the rails here. So now we have the untitled Mara movie. It's not uh obviously it just doesn't have a title yet. That's why I call it Untitled. But what do you think of this, Nate? While cleaning out their grandparents' attic for a yard sale, four siblings discover a retro NES console. Assured it's nothing more than junk, the kids place it in a yard sale bin before hopping online to play their favorite games. But then an internet outage causes their games to crash, and the crew decides to dust off their favorite cartridge of an old system one last time.

37:17Little do they know that King Bowser has bigger plans for them, and it's up to the family to team up with Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toad to save the Mushroom Kingdom.

38:00It's the new Jumanji, but with Mario.

38:04So I actually made that. There is no premise like revealed yet for the movie, so I made that up. But that is my biggest [expletive] fear, Nate, is that they're gonna make this Jumanji because alright, listen, I know some people, I don't know where you stand, Nate, but Chris Pratt as Mario, it's just not clicking for me, Nate. Like it's just like you have a Mario voice actor, he does the Mario voice acting for games. Why didn't we use that guy? Why are why was Chris Pratt the choice for Mario's voice? I just don't understand. And the only way that makes sense is if they do Manji this [expletive]. Right.

38:39Oh, make it an action movie like a where like Chris Pratt is like, oh man, I hit my life.

38:44I wish I was in a video game, and then he's like, wow, I'm Mario now. I'm Chris Pratt, but I'm Mario. Like check out these abs. It's the only way I'm gonna see this happen. Like, I I mean Charlie Days Luigi, I am kind of on board for it, but I just don't I don't see it, Nate. I don't know. The with these voice actors, I could be wrong, but I just don't know how this formula mixes in.

39:06Is it gonna be animated or real life?

39:08Yeah, it'll be in oh my god, animated. You don't you know they'll never try real life or real live action again.

39:20And they got the jumpy boots.

39:22Man, that movie's a classic. It's I I can see why you're worried, Nate. They're they're not topping that. I can see why you're worried about this movie.

39:32But like I'm I I don't know. I I just I'm not sure what's going on here. But I could be wrong, you know. Like, I think if you went 10 years ago and told me that there was gonna be a Lego movie that Chris Pratt was gonna voice, I also would have shot all over that. But Lego, I mean I mean Lego Batman is way better than the Lego movie, but nonetheless.

39:50But I still love the Lego movies, but Lego Batman is way better. Lobster Thermidor.

39:54Oh, is that where the lobster thermidor joke comes from? Yeah, yeah. Oh [expletive], I didn't put that together. Whoa. Check out PG S D D, uh Wayne Manor Menagerie to get that reference. We don't have a name for you yet, fans, but we are thinking it's [expletive], like the Daphne [expletive] or D-bags, yeah. We might be calling you D-bags. It's uh good effects.

From 40:00

40:13I don't know if we can get away with douche, but D definitely. D for sure.

40:18Uh Nate, just real quick, I already gave you what I think might happen with the Mara movie. It's gonna be like a Jumanji thing. What do you think is gonna be this premise for this movie? I know you're a really big Nintendo fan, not really.

40:29No, not really. Um there's gonna be a small Italian plumber who jumps on a flagpole and somehow that saves the day. I don't I don't I don't know what they can do, Nate. I I really don't. To make it new and fresh and exciting for me to actually watch it, I don't [expletive] know.

40:48Without it being like a spoof on itself, I don't know how they do it, yeah.

40:52Right. There's no way. I want to hear like it's a me. You know, like I better [expletive] hear that.

40:59So I alright. But in Chris Pratt's voice, like, it's a me. Chris Pratt.

41:06As he's holding off two raptors.

41:13Oh gosh. Okay, so these first three movies were kind of picked out of love. Like, I enjoyed the first Aquaman. It is probably by far the best um DC movie. Maybe Wonder Man Wonder Woman 1 was also pretty decent. Wonder Woman 2, though, don't get me started. That was the 88. No, that was bad. And then Secrets of Dumbedora comes from Love for Harry Potter. I do love Nintendo and Mario. So those are movies I'm I'm hoping can be redeemed. All right, but these next three movies, I do not think there's any hope, Nate. I I don't think so. So Avatar 2. Um, and before I go into the subplot, Nate, this is not the last airbender, the sequel.

41:52Um I was really looking forward to that.

41:54I was where you is anyone hanging. Does anyone want a sequel to that atrocity?

42:00No, because I watched another clip the other day of how long it took the [expletive] earth benders to bend earth, and it was like 30 [expletive] minutes of them dancing around before a tiny boulder went flying. Like, are you [expletive] kidding me? Like, what's going on right now?

42:14It's yeah, I I don't there's no redeeming that movie, but the avatar where blue people avatar. Yes, we're talking blue people avatar, which gosh, if we have young listeners doubt it, but if we do, do you even do they even know what the first avatar movie is? Like, I was in high school or middle school, Nate, when the first avatar came out. Like, right, I don't think some of these kids were alive. Yeah, um and it was life-changing. It was supposed to that's what everybody tells me about that my experience was. They're like, Oh, yeah, I changed life. I'm like, No, like it was space Pokemon with cool special effects for 2020 or whatever.

42:51–43:13[Editorial omission.]

43:13Hey, I just I don't what I I I have so many questions. Like, first of all, we know how money works in this world. Like, who which studio gave uh James Cameron a blank check for like uh a bajillion dollars, said make me four sequels and go ahead and take like 20 years for the next movie to come. Take as much time as you need. Who does that? Like, no, like people only give you money to make more money back. Like that's that's it. So I don't like what unless I walk into the theater, they strap Oculuses to all of us, and then the movie is like a build your own adventure. I don't know what took almost two decades to make this movie. And there is if we've learned everything.

43:13Anything from video games that take five, ten, fifteen years to come out, there is no way this will live up to anyone's standard.

44:07No. Just like Cyberpunk. I still play it though. I love it. But it is trash.

44:11You threaten me whenever I'm like, I don't know if I have time to record this week. You'll be like, I swear to God, I will live stream Cyberpunk on the Nat One account. I'll do it.

44:19It's the only game I'm playing right now, and I will [expletive] do it. Why, Nate? Don't push me, Nate. It's like an abusive relationship. Why? It is, and I love it. I don't know why I love it. One day we have to play the RPG game, though. The 2020, Cyberpunk 2020, it's called.

44:35I'd like to. Once, see, the plan is once we have actual listeners on this podcast, and I imagine one day it will be funny because it will be actually blown up and they'll be like, haha, they have like thousands of listeners. But if you're listening today, 2022 January, you know we have like no listeners. So I I dream of the day where we have so many listeners and they were like, hey guys, we're gonna stream Cyberpunk 2022 or whatever. Um, or what was what game is it? Uh 2077. It's a video game. Got it. Sorry. Anyway, I dream of the day where we can just like tell our listeners and then they're like ready and waiting on Twitch or whatever.

From 45:00

45:11They're actually excited about it. It could happen.

45:14And that person's not our mom's or our family or friends. Love you, mom. Love you, mom. Um, all right, so avatar two, I am gonna read the summary, but we're not even gonna try to. I I don't care enough to even try to guess or make up a dumb plot for this. So I'll just read what they they have. Jake Sully and Natiri have formed a family and are doing everything to stay together. However, they must leave their home and explore the regions of Pandora when an ancient threat resurfaces. Jake must fight a difficult war against the humans. Sounds like the exact same movie, but with a mystical ancient threat.

45:51Yeah, again, like he already did that.

45:53Like, are they why are the humans? Like if you have to add humans to make this movie interesting, it's already a bad movie. So anywho, this next movie I have hope for, but I got a feeling, Nate, you don't. I gotta feel you're not. It's not at all. The Batman.

46:09Starring Edward.

46:11Yeah, so okay. And there's not a lot of premise on this one either, but the Riddler plays a dangerous game of cat and mouse with Batman and Commissioner Gordon in Gotham City. What do you think is gonna happen in this movie? And do you think you seem to be pretty critical of it, Nate? Where what are your thoughts here?

46:28Uh instantly I saw the trailer and I thought, who the [expletive] made these costumes? Like, I could have I do not know how to make clothes, and I feel like I could have made better costumes than what's going on now. Like they're trying to do like a throwback to like the Adam West style mask where it's a tiny little mask and the catwoman thing. I don't know what the [expletive] that is. And the riddler looks like he went out for a jog wearing one of those sweatsuits and then just left it on. You know, it's just like a trash suit. Yeah, like trash bags and trash tracksuit on him. Like, what is going on right now? Like he looks kind of fat, anyways. Like, maybe he's just trying to lose weight. Maybe that's the riddle.

46:28Is he trying to lose weight, and this is the only way he knows how to go about it by burning mental calories. I I don't know, Nate.

47:12I'm more concerned. Did you see what the penguin looks like in this movie? No, I didn't. Um I don't know if you can stop what you're doing right now and Google it, but it let me see. Yeah, let's do this. It is it is an assault on my eyes. Um who's the guy that was in Oh gosh, I I'm I'm so bad with names.

47:30Andy Circus?

47:32No, it's not Andy Circus. It's not Andy Circus. Is it Andy Circus? No, I hold on. It's Colin Farrell. Oh, right, and you but you think that's Andy Circus, and that's Penguin.

47:42That's well, I saw another thing that said Andy Circus, but okay, I'm seeing the picture with Colin Farrell right now. So he has a very weird dimply chin and an underbite, it looks like. And kind of sharp elfie. He just looks like an old rough man.

48:03It's it's weird because so I think there's two routes you could go. You don't you just make him evil and badass, or you go the like really weird Danny DeVito, like this guy is disgusting. Yeah. And they're like, let's do a little bit of both, but not satisfy either. And that's what we got. Colin Farrow is just this like old, kind of uncomfortable looking fat man, even though I know I think because I know it's Colin Farrow, I'm just like, what happened to you? Like, it's like he got he got like struck with like a gringo ray and then aged, and it's just making me uncomfortable. Like I feel like I'm looking at my own future, and it's just not very penguin-esque. And where's the top at?

48:45Yeah, he's like balding looking. He's not of there's an attractive man under there, and but he does not look like it.

48:54And his skin is so like he has like the scarred, like kind of like if you had incredibly bad acne and then like repeatedly popped all your zits all over your face, and then that scarred like your face, and that was your skin, and then you lived in Arizona for like 10 years and you never used sunblock. That looks like the skin regiment that Colin Farrell has. And I'm just so uncomfortable. There's so much texture coming through this image right now. I don't know, Nate. I don't know if this movie can be redeemed.

49:20No, I don't think so at all. Like looking at the faraway shot, I was looking at a zoomed-in shot, but looking at a faraway shot, he just looks like a roughed up stepdad, you know, who like his he got a flat tire on the way home and it started to rain on him a little bit, so he had to change it. Now he's all wet, and he gets home and he sees that his kid didn't take out the trash. Now, if you're looking at the picture while I'm explaining this, it makes perfect sense. And that's the scowl on his face is that this step kid didn't take out the [expletive] trash.

49:58I'm looking at it, and that like you literally like I'm just sad for this person. Even his posture, his like gust jutting out, but then his shoulders are kind of rolled back, and then his like hands like tilted.

From 50:00

50:09Like, it's like he's like, God, I gotta deal with this [expletive] again.

50:14And the rain doesn't help. Like, I don't think you can say I don't want I see also what you mean about the Riddler being in like a trash back tracksuit.

50:22Yes, it's very what is going on? And did you see uh Edward's emo Batman mask? Like, come on, like we've had so many good costumes, and you're gonna just [expletive] all over the show.

50:36What if it's amazing? What if it's amazing?

50:39You know who this movie's catered to? Weirdos like Chris. That's who this movie's catered to.

50:45Yeah, our producer who sometimes fills in or is a third party on our show, he's a big Batman fan, and he has hope for this. I don't know. I just feel like there's a lot of face, there's a lot of face and not a lot of mask.

51:01I was actually thinking of something really creepy right now where I could totally see uh Chris like walking behind you on your screen, but then somehow walking behind me on my screen.

51:15Man, I would be so scared. I look forward, he's he's coming soon. The power with now with remote with remote recording, we can get all three of us on, not next to each other. Honestly, do you know how hot it got in that room in my bedroom when the three of us and then every time we were done recording, my husband came in and he complained about the smell every time. Oh, did it smell bad? Every time, yeah, from just three guys in like kind of a humid room recording for an hour plus. He would come in and he would talk so much [expletive]. And I was like, babe, these are my friends, but also yes.

51:47Oh, I always tried to smell nice. No, I feel like I don't know.

51:51I think it's just like again, three three guys. I don't know, whatever.

51:55I mean, my thighs get sweaty, Nate, because I gyrate my my legs, I shake when I get nervous. That's too much information. Sorry.

52:02All right, this last one is Jurassic World Dominion. I gotta be honest with you. Yeah, I don't I haven't watched, I did watch the first Jurassic World, and I was like, uh, it's just like a repeat, like literally almost it's like they did the same thing again, but with a new monster. And just like, how many times are you gonna open the same park on an island with a volcano? Like, just how many times are people gonna make the same horrible decisions? I don't know. But here's here's the problem, Nate. Set four years after the events of Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom, which I have no clue what the [expletive] happened in that movie, uh, in which a genetic Yeah, which one was that?

52:02I guess genetically engineered dinosaurs were auctioned to companies around the world while others were released on the US mainland. The story takes place around the world and depicts humans living with dinosaurs. Sounds like crap to me. Yeah. I'm not feeling it.

52:57I'm not feeling it. I don't what company would buy it? Amazon? Uh Tesla? Okay, they got dinosaurs now? They're going to space, space dinosaurs.

53:06I'm just imagining like people with dinosaurs in their backyard and like it's almost like the Flintstones, you know how they're just like riding around and like like the dinosaurs do like like machine work, and like that's I'm thinking we're gonna be watching the Flintstones, but live action with Chris Pratt.

53:21I'm not buying it because number one, there's a lot of people out there I think that are kind of like me, and I don't even trust my own computer, let alone buying a [expletive] dinosaur to hang out in my backyard with my children. I'll give that a hard pass.

53:35This is the guy who unplugged his Alexa because it offered a suggestion in the middle of a conversation.

53:39Like, I didn't ask her, Nate. I didn't say hey Alexa. She just I was having a conversation with my wife and she butted in the point.

53:47I can help with that. The point being, Nate, I 100% believe you. Like most of this population would not let us like that's like do you see people walking around tigers? Not unless you're famous. If you're a celebrity, then probably.

53:58Or the Tiger King. But he can turn anybody gay. Just ask him.

54:03But I don't, I just I don't know. These movies have gotten so unbelievable, and the first Jurassic World killed it for me because I'm like, you literally just repeated the whole first Jurassic Park movie, but with some minor things. Like I even went like you finished it in the same area, like very manufactured, very uh hitting these like nostalgia remakes. Like, get out of here, give me a fresh take or get the hell out of here.

54:25But I think there's something about the Jurassic Park that's a lot like a bad relationship. Like you always have that friend who keeps getting into these toxic relationships, and they're like, I can make this work, I can make it better. Like, no, your relationship is Jurassic Park. It's a park full of prehistoric creatures who are just trying to eat your face, who kill humans. Yes, it's it'll never work. Stop trying to make it work.

54:50Like, no, I'm gonna give them a chance this time. This time we altered their DNA, and it's it's they're gonna calm down, okay?

54:57They're not gonna be so worked up this time. You know, they can't reproduce because we changed their DNA with frogs. So we got it covered.

From 55:00

55:05I would watch that movie first of all. But yeah, I think I think that's exactly what like it's that was like some weird, complex like comparison you just made to society, but it works and relationships, and yeah, you can't change people, you can't change dinosaurs.

55:18That's Jurassic Park. That's gonna be my new thing now. When like I see a friend of mine or somebody in a bad relationship, I'll be like, oh, Jurassic Park.

55:27And with that, Nate, uh, I think it's time to play some DD. How about you? Okay, let's do it. I'm so ready.

55:36The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our odds are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.

55:53I wouldn't quite say lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines, but either way, fear not, for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.

56:11And welcome to the first chapter, whatever you want to call it, of Daft Monks. Daft Monks is our real play DD campaign that we'll be playing at the end of every single episode of the Daft Monks podcast by the Nat One guys, me and Nate. They follow our two favorite heroes, Trevor Belmont and Abraham Van Helsing, who are just really horrible monster hunters who are both tasked with defeating Dracula, but pretty much always fail. Just go listen to season one, and you you can you can find some more backstory if you want. But otherwise, we are starting fresh today uh with the new adventure, and I'm gonna hand it over to Nate, who will be our DM for this episode. Thanks, Nate.

56:47So, tiny bit of backstory. Just a tiny bit. Everything happened, happened on the previous episode. Go watch it. Watch all of them. But in between then, Van Helsing and Belmont found a nice, quiet little town to retire to. They got tired of trying to hunt the D, so they ended up in a town called Pro Hold. Now they've been here for let's say six months enjoying their small vacation that they thought was retirement, and the trouble is brewing, but we don't know that yet until later on. But as of right now, they found a little cottage that they share and room together, and basically they've been making odds and ends by selling trinkets.

56:47Van Helsing has actually been selling off items that they found during their travels, and they're starting to run thin, so he might be resorting to other nefarious means. Meanwhile, Belmont is is kind of loving it so far. He's enjoying the peace and the quiet, and he's trying his hands at other things besides monster hunting, which is all he's known his entire life. And I think that's where we will start off with with us. My boy, it's been so nice these past couple of months. Just me and you out here. I uh I just want you to know that I appreciate it. I really do.

58:19Yes, yes. Uh well, it's it's been really it's been nice not living on the road, living in peril, burning people's houses down, attempting to be killed ever every so often, protecting people who don't want us to protect them. Um this is really living the life. But uh what what do you appreciate in particular? I if you want to tell me exactly what you like, I'd be happy to hear.

58:38Well, it's just this this town, you know. Like I feel like I can finally let my hair down and just and really get to it, you know? Like everyone's so nice here and and loving and caring, and they're always like, oh hey, Van Helsing, you look so good today, or you're looking very dapper today, Van Helsing, you know. And I I just really appreciate that, you know, more than anything in the whole ad world, just someone who appreciates me for the things that I do, my boy.

59:06Oh, I feel like are are you are you are you saying I should appreciate you more? I mean, I I think your hair looks nice, it's very tangled, and it would help if you brushed it, but um I I appreciate you, Van Helsing.

59:21I'm picturing you like sitting down on like a couch or something, and I'm in the kitchen like chopping up vegetables, cooking dinner.

59:30No, no, it's not it's not that. I I think you're fine. It's I'm just I'm tired, you know, like money's getting tight. We need to we need to find something else to do for funds around here. I'm almost completely out of my treasures that I've sold. And you know, dread pirate McNibbles. Uh he hasn't come back yet with that treasure map that I told him to go get, and it's not looking good lately.

59:55Oh well, if if you want, I could hope you uh I could look in the uh the newspaper and circle jobs for you to go apply for. I mean I'm very happy here working on my meditation garden. Uh I wouldn't want to ruin that.

From 60:00

60:06Yes, I looked out there earlier and saw you tore up my medicinal herbs and put sand with some curvy lines and a couple rocks out there. I really appreciated that. That was great of you, my boy.

60:22Yeah, you know, I just figured they look like weeds to me, you know, and and a bad part of harmony is death, you know. Like sometimes you have to give life, and then sometimes you have to pick all the weeds and light them on fire. And man, did I have the best meditation of my life after I burned all your weeds?

60:37Yes, they were medicinal, medicinal weeds, because you know I have that condition, but that's neither here nor there. Yeah, I think you're right. I think I need to to try and find a real job. I think it's it's that time. You enjoy retirement. You were the real monster hunter, my boy. And uh I think I'll maybe go uh ask the tavern. The the man at the tavern Delge, I think his name was uh if maybe I could get a job there and sling drinks or whatever it is the commoners do, you know.

61:06Yes, yes. I think we should do exactly that. You like to drink. You like to sling, you like to talk to people? You would be great at that. And the best part is that I would stay right here in the meditation garden doing what I like doing, which is nothing. But not nothing. It's transcending time and space in my own inner and outer feelings and whatnot, but but really I'm doing nothing physically except existing in one minute area in the guard.

61:31Yes. You son of a [expletive], yes.

61:35You always talk me into these great ideas. Okay, first thing in the morning, I will go down to the tavern and ask for a job. This might be the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life.

61:46Yes. Just remember to wear pants. I remember a lot of times you did a lot of jobs, and you weren't wearing pants for most of them.

61:53When you have calves like these, you just can't not show them off, my boy.

61:58It's a crime, really. Yeah, I don't I don't even know how your pants fit. It's so weird because you have such thin, thin, like weak, sickly looking thighs, but then your calves are like baseballs. It's very it's it's alarming. You should spend some time in the meditation guardian.

62:13Oh yes, yes. Imagine if Geralt of Rivia was flipped upside down, like how his biceps are. That would be my calves.

62:22Ooh, I'm a big fan of Geralt, as you know.

62:26And also remember that the long white hair also flows from me in the same general direction. Is this the upside down part of you? I don't I'm up and down, a little mixed up. Anyway, fear not, my boy. Fear not. I'll I'll get that job. I'll go ask Dilge in the morning and I'm sure we can get things worked out. Yes, that sounds delightful.

62:47Uh very good. Uh well, if you don't need anything else from me, uh, I'm done folding my uh Oregami morning stars here at the at the dining table, and I will go finish with an evening meditation and pray for your uh your return tomorrow is fruitful.

63:04Oh awesome. Thank thank you. Good good night. You're appreciated.

63:08Appreciate you.

63:10Yeah, I'm sure.

63:11He does look like finger guns.

63:13The [expletive] finger guns. So um if that's it, then you guys go to bed. And uh I Van Helsing do go out to the bar to the tavern to go talk to Delge first thing in the morning, and I don't come back.

63:28Okay. Yeah, so I'm like wandering around the house and like everything's clean, everything's organized, like, and I'm like, something's wrong here. I'm having a good day. The house is organized and in order. I I'm happy, honestly. I uh something must be up with with Van Housing. I I wonder maybe I was foolish to let him go to town by himself. I mean, that boy always gets himself into trouble. That man, that heck of a man knows how to give himself a hell of a time. So maybe I'll go start at the bar that he uh he said he was gonna apply for. Is like the is the newspaper listing still around? Oh yeah.

64:08The one I like circled for yeah, but you circled like an actual job and I decided I'm gonna go to the bar. Like you circled like an accountant at the bank kind of deal.

64:18Okay. I'm gonna so Belmont very much like thinks he's always right. So even though you told me you were gonna go to the bar, I'm gonna go to like the bank first.

64:29Have you seen this man? Okay, what what time of day do you think it is that you uh finally left?

64:36Uh I don't know. So sunrise happened. I figure you left a few hours ago, but by noon, I'm like, he always comes back for food. Like if I know Van Had a saying, he's always always looking for the free meal, and he does not know how to make food for himself. 45 years in the making, and he can't make himself a sandwich or anything. So uh I'm gonna say around noon my head over.

64:55Okay, so you're you're going to the the bank the bank, basically. Yeah. Okay. You walk up to the bank, uh, they just uh opened back up after their lunch hours, and nobody else is there except for one like female lady, uh kind of just getting back in the position behind like the main front desk option, I guess you could say. Well, greetings and salutations, sir. What brings you to the fine bank today?

From 65:00

65:24Uh not anything worth depositing. You know, I have no money, you stay away from me. Can you introduce me to the male manager in charge? I'm sure you're like that can't be you as as a female, as beautiful and and and meek as you are.

65:38Well, you are absolutely correct. There's no possible way I could manage a bank as large as this. Uh let me get him for you. And then she kind of like graciously bows to you a little bit and then goes and gets the manager. And he comes back and he's like uh the [expletive] short guy from Peter Parker and [expletive] with the Cigar and the mustache. What seems to be the problem here? You got a problem with my miss?

66:04No, no, she's delightful. She's right in the place she needs to be and should not be promoted any further than that because I think you as a man anyway, listen, I'm looking for have you seen this guy?

66:14Hmm that guy? No, I haven't seen him around here lately. He came in looking at the vault earlier. But I told him to shoe away. It look it looked like it looked like he was trying to steal from this place, you know what I mean? He was trying to steal from me.

66:26No, no, no, absolutely. We gave that life I mean we never were part of that life, but long ago. Anyway, listen, he was here to apply for a job, rehabilitation, and whatnot. So you didn't hire him?

66:38No, absolutely not. He didn't meet our credentials. Pants was the first thing on the list of credentials.

66:44Oh, I told him. I told him to wear pants. I told him. Okay. Ah, yes, that would make sense then. Uh is anywhere else hiring here? You know, maybe oh, I don't know, maybe a law firm or like a uh a chef eatery type place. Uh any place reputable? No, not really. Any place not reputable?

67:02Just the bar. It's pretty seedy. Bad dudes go in there. I go in there every Wednesday night. I'm a bad dude.

67:08Yes, yes, I can tell by your half sleeve and that red light you ran with the horses the other day.

67:14Yeah, I had to do a class on it.

67:16Totally bad. Um like fans himself. Um anywho, well, off to the bar. That's probably the first place I should have checked, I guess. No, these things happen. You have a great day now. Uh two too. Uh say say hello to your amazing secretary who is in her rightful place.

67:32No, she's deaf. She might probably fire her anyway soon.

67:36Well, we had a full conversation, and I wasn't even using my hands anyway. She's a lip reader. I just look over her and guessing the finger. Okay, I wanna I wanna go to the bar.

68:02Okay. You go uh across the street to the friendly arrow tavern, and it's owned by Delge, and everything looks closed up. It should be open at this point, but the door is closed, and there is a closed sign flipped around the front of the handle.

68:24Yes, I believe Van Helsing taught me an old swami trick. And I just like turn the sign around and then just try to like shake the handle.

68:32Oh, it's not even locked. You just walk right up. Okay. Like, hello. As you uh walk in, there is blood and guts all over the place. Oh my god. Smeared all over. Uh pieces of people kind of on the left and on the right. And then that's pretty much all you see right now at this point.

68:55Um you can roll if you want. Yeah, I was just gonna say, um, I don't have a great score, but can I roll a medicine check? Like, is this human blood and or actually, do I have investigation? Investigation is the same, but that makes more sense. I'd like to roll investigation. Is this human? Was there a fight here? Like, can I mind palace this thing and figure out what occurred? And Sherlock Holmes roll is really good. It's uh it's uh 16 plus two and 18.

69:21Ooh, dang, you crushed it. Oh, yeah, without a shadow of a doubt, you've seen something like this before. It is the classic sign of a monster attack. And all the blood that you see is only human. It doesn't look like anybody has hurt the monster in any way whatsoever. You don't notice any monster blood on the ground, but from the claw marks that you see, and then the the wounds that occurred on the remains of the human bodies that you see, it was definitely some kind of monster attack.

69:50So Belmont being the like the last living heir to the the well, the Belmont clan, which is a clan of monster hunters, he like so he like leaned down, he like analyzed the situation, he like took the blood, he like smelled it, could tell it was like human, and then he like starts having these flashbacks of just like people dying and like him like having to rescue people and like really gory deaths, just lots of people dying, really gory deaths, and then he like marks like on his cheeks, almost like a football player, like with the blood, and now he's like in the zone, he's like it's time, it's time to come out of retirement. But first, do I see anything of Van Helsing's around?

From 70:00

70:27Um give me give me a roll for it. Or no, I'm gonna say with your your investigation roll, you rolled good enough. Um, underneath a pile, you do see Van Helsing's boots sticking out like he's hiding like a little kid, you know, on all fours, and it's just his feet are sticking out, and you see them pretty clear. He's actually wiggling them and he's hiding.

70:48Um okay, I'd be like, hello, uh, is anyone here? I have uh a huge pile of gold and also uh a bunch of untrained rodents who would like to join Sky Pirate McNibble's uh traveting pirate tree. I guess I'm just gonna leave then. If nobody says it, you're like my boy, is that you? Is that you, my boy?

71:09Yes, yes, why are you what happened here?

71:11Why are you hiding?

71:12I was obviously not hiding. I was knocked unconscious by a monster that happened to be in here. I have no idea what it was. And I I'm gonna roll to deceive you. Oh, that was it.

71:24That was a six plus should I roll insight against it?

71:27I only got a eight, so if you get higher than an eight, well, I have a plus six to insight.

71:34You son of a [expletive]. Yeah, it's a little it's not great, but it's an eleven.

71:37Okay, you know I'm lying. Uh I have no idea what monster was here or where he came from or what he wanted. Listen, he just like Fen nursing.

71:46It's okay, we've been out of the game. Okay, you're scared, you're out of practice, you're far less qualified or skilled or athletic or in shape as I am. It's okay. I wasn't here to be your anchor, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I'm here now, and it's time to get to work, my boy.

72:02Oh, thank God. I I've been feeling dreadful about this ever since I caused this. You know, this is all all my fault, really. I I don't know what happened. One one minute, you know, I'm telling them a story about High Pirate, Captain McNibbles, you know, and next thing you know, Captain McNibbles comes back, but he is no longer Captain McNibbles. He is something entirely different. He he McNibbles is the monster? Oh, absolutely. He came back, but not with a treasure map, with something else. He is now I hate to say it, aware at.

72:37Oh no, McNibbles. I don't quite remember where or how your origin started or how you joined our party, or really how Van Housing of our people was able to train him to do medial tasks. But you were our friend. But if I have to pierce his heart with I don't know what you used to kill where people is it the same D D as like traditional vampires or I'm sure like something silver. You got a silvered sword or something. Nibbles, if the last kind thing I can do for you is pierce your heart with a silver spear, then by golly, I'll do it. I'm just like saying that looking up. Not really talking to anybody whatsoever. Like monologuing. Yeah. Yeah, do a dex save because you're standing in a lot of blood monologuing.

72:37If uh that's like a home rule, uh, listeners, that uh if like you monologue, you have to roll a dex kind of saving throw. So um thankfully I have like a plus five. Oh, oh, thank God. Uh it was a seven. I thought it was an at one for a sec. So seven plus five is a twelve.

73:42Oh yeah, you crushed it. Your your feet slip a little bit, but you actually use it to make a more heroic pose while you're monologuing. Yeah. Great. Now, after the bank job, I still didn't put on my pants. They were still drying off from the meat sweats, you see. Now, I walk over to the bar and I know I can get a job here at the bar. I can bamboozle anybody into loving me. I walk in, they have a help wanted sign, and I take it down like a badass. I make eye contact and I look at Delge and I'm like, Delge, I'm the guy for this job. And he was like, You son of a [expletive], I'm in. And he snapped his fingers and pointed at me, and we made contact.

74:20I am not making you said I'm in, and then he pointed at you. Okay. All right, I'm with you.

74:27And I I said, the name's Glog now. No, okay, that didn't happen. Now, he said, I'm in, meaning I got the job. You son of a [expletive], I'm in. I got the job. Now, all this happens. I put on an apron. I immediately start busting tables because you know I'm the hardest worker you've ever seen in your entire life. And that's when it happened, my boy. That's when high pirate Captain McNibbles burst through the door. Well, he didn't burst, he just made a little squeaky sound and he came walking in, and I thought he found the treasure map, so I was like, I [expletive] quit, Delge. You know, I've been working for a whoppin' five minutes, and I'm already throwing down my apron saying I quit.

From 75:00

75:10But Van Helsing, your tails are quite tall, but there's usually always a little bit of truth in them, and a lot of blood. A lot of blood and a little bit of truth, but I guess that's enough for me, because I don't I can't sense Sky Pirate McNibbles here, so he's always just in your pocket, ready to leap out and to give it no.

75:29I'm I may have thrown a scarf at him in the scuffle and a coat and a top hat. You fight with a crossbow, my friend. I lost it.

75:40It cuts to like a playground and it's like in like the set like the ball pit.

75:46Like, mommy, look at this! Timmy, no.

75:53Oh, yes, my butterfingers.

75:54It's your you're rusty, you're rusty, you've all been there, I guess. Not to the play pen, but yes.

76:02Either way, he got away, and if I'm honest with you, I got scared. I didn't know what we were gonna do. I didn't know if you wanted to fight monsters anymore, and him being my rat, who's now aware rat of some kind, and maybe that had something to do with the Say no more.

76:17Together, let us team up. Should we get your crossbow? I mean, you can't fight with a sky. Is this this thing where you just have me do everything again and you just kind of keep the bystanders at bay?

76:26You might have to do that because little Timmy was kind of a jerk, and that's how I lost my crossbow. He is quite menacing, believe it or not.

76:35He was threatening to leave me on top of the seesaw, Belmont. On top! If I fell down, that could have happened.

76:42Told me you were being bullied by a man named Timmy, but I didn't know he was a toddler.

76:47Well, Timmy's what his mom calls him. I call him Tim, the bully. He's he's a real jerk. Well, either way, we need to gather reinforcements and hunt down high pirate, Captain McNibbles.

77:02Yes, I'm back in the game. And who who's on the crew?

77:04Who are we recruiting? Well, I was gonna ask Delge, but he died. Sadly.

77:11Like dead, like face like first on the like counter.

77:14Do a do an investigation on Delge.

77:18Not one.

77:20Yep, he's dead. Dead, dead.

77:24Like I pick him up, and I'm like, oh he's dead, and I just drop it in the air like that. Yep. Like his head just drops in.

77:29He has like a glass bottle in his neck. He's just dead. The monster obviously killed him. Very much. I don't remember Skype. I think Debo's being so brutal. Oh yes, he's terrible, terrible creature. Now, um, that's all we have. We could ask our friends at the church, but ever since I broke in, let's say two to three nights ago and drank all of their communion wine, they might not be too happy about it. Well, at least they have the holy water. Oh no. Yeah, I needed a place to wash my pants. And I was like, oh, somebody left a nice cleaning basin out here, and it's uh is a terrible mess, I have to say.

78:08You know, I just paid our dues for the air, too. I paid up front and wanted to try to get ahead with the big guy for once.

78:14Oh, that wasn't enough. I went and [expletive] that up. I'm sorry. I should have uh gotten a job sooner. I sometimes I forget how big of a screw up I am, my boy, but the church never turns you down. You're a child of God, after all.

78:28Yes, yes, I have a special place in their heart and their donors. My family were big donors. I don't have as much money as my my parents did before they were, you know, brutally murdered by Dracula, but back in the day we we donated quite a bit of pretty penny. But anywho, basically legacy. Anywho, let's go. Uh so we can't go to the church. Delge is dead. Um I don't think you have many other friends, and I well I've been a little too focused on my meditation garden.

78:56Well, maybe if you could origami us up some friends, we'd be in great [expletive] shape.

79:01That's it.

79:02No, I'm just kidding. I don't have anything. Like I can't actually make origami people. But maybe we can go to the merchant square. Like I have sold some of that to some different people, and maybe there's uh someone for hire, like a mercenary that we could uh tag along. I hear Blade has been lurking.

79:19Ooh. Okay, very well. Let's go to the merchant square and see if we can get some reconnaissance, and maybe we could find somebody to help us fight this new menace that is Sky Pirate, Captain McNivles.

79:30That sounds great. And I just trudge through like multiple puddles of blood and like, ooh. Uh before we go, should we maybe check pockets, see if they left. I mean, they're not gonna need it anymore.

79:39Ooh, you are absolutely correct. Oh, and we could maybe pay back for the church, yes. Yeah, yeah, I like what you're saying.

79:47And then you look over and uh Van Helsing's kind of like really half-assed, and he's kind of just like poking it with the toe of his boot.

79:53That's fine, I'll check. I know you don't like to literally get your hands dirty. Like not figuratively, like literally you don't like residue on your on your fingers. It's very odd.

From 80:00

80:02It's just yucky, you know, it's it's gross.

80:06Do I find any any money? Anything?

80:08Oh yeah, I'm gonna say we uh let me let me just make a oh yeah, that's good. I'm gonna say we find uh enough money that if you wanted to, we could probably hire a blade to the church. Oh, to the church. Yeah, we could take it to the church, or we could hire the random blade man, possibly in the town square. He lurks. They say he lurks. I I think you're just a little racist. Do you think any person of that skin color standing in the shadows is lurking? I told you you can't be thinking what does he what does it come out in the public?

80:39I don't understand. Like, why stand behind things unless you're like afraid of the sun? Which he's not. He's like a daywalker. That's his whole thing.

80:46Well, he's still half Dracula, kind of, you know, like he wears those sunglasses. Like, I didn't even know what those were originally. I thought he just had voids for eyes, but it turns out he made these special glasses. It's blowing my mind that he I want to pay.

80:58That's absolutely brilliant.

80:59Anyway, okay, let's go to Lynn Market Square.

81:02Okay, to the town square.

81:04Yeah.

81:04So we headed to the town square, and um things are looking a little slim pickings. I think there was quite a few people in uh the friendly arrow bar.

81:15And there, you know, can I roll perception also as we were going to the like work walking there? Like, was I noticing like people screaming in the roads or like smoke off in the distance or just things that didn't like suggest chaos or danger? Yeah, yeah, you can you can roll for it. Um so I did a percept this is like a retroactive perceptive, only like a 14.

81:36A 14? Yeah. I think you can tell that like something is uneasy, like there aren't as many people walking the streets as there should be right now. Okay. And a lot of people's doors and windows are like shuttered up. Like maybe something did just happen, okay, at least within the hour. I see.

81:52These poor, poor locals. What would they do if we weren't here to save them? It's almost like they need to hire a monster hunter, I like say really loudly, like in the direction of like one of the open windows.

82:06Oh yes, uh, something came by and they're like, Timmy, close that window. Get away from there. That's Timmy, but I found this crossbow. That's Timmy. He seems very sweet. No, he's a monster.

82:20Don't get near him. He has a snaggle tooth of plus one sharpness, it'll cut right through your armor. Oh dear. Uh, and then people, yeah, still locking up. But as you uh make your way back to the center of town, there are still people that have their little shops up, but they look uneasy. Like if like one more [expletive] thing happens today, like they have that look on their face, like uh the penguin from earlier. Like, if one more [expletive] thing happens today, I am packing up and going home.

82:50I've never gotten so much out of a picture as you got out of the penguin. Oh my god. Okay.

82:57I knew his whole backstory and everything, mate, from the one picture. How okay, I know we're in the middle of this, but how bad would you laugh if that is his backstory in the [expletive] thing?

83:12Well, that's like, do you know, like, well, what I mean, Joker has many. There's no like kind of like canonical like backstory for him, but one of the like popular ones is that like he a guy trying to make ends meet, he was like a comedian, and then he's like not making money. So then he goes to do like one gangster job, and that's at the like the plant with like the toxic poison [expletive], and then he gets in, he gets pinned and he falls. So it's like he just had one bad day and then turned into the Joker, and like that's kind of exciting for the penguin, that penguin we saw. I just think he had a lot of those days, like, not just one.

83:12Like he crawled out of the acid, was like, you know what, tomorrow will be a new day. And then the next day, it was like even worse. Like they foreclosed on his ass.

83:56He's changing that [expletive] tire, and in an act of frustration, he throws the tire iron, and it just so happens I hit a bus full of nuns that falls off of a bridge, and they're like, that guy killed all those nuns. He's like, Well, I guess I'm a [expletive] criminal now. I might as well run a red light.

84:19Now we have to see the movie. We have to now. I want to know his story. So, anyway, there was a merchant who looked like that guy. Oh my god. No one's laughing. Nobody who's listening is laughing as hard as we are right now. Such an ugly laugh.

84:44Okay, okay.

84:45We're in the market. Excuse me, sir. Did you just kill a bunch of nuns or did a monster run through this town?

84:51That's it. I'm [expletive] out of here.

84:54He backed up his little briefcase. So now there's only one person left in the town square. And it is a tall, muscular man with dark sunglasses on. Oh wow.

From 85:00

85:09Is he lurking? Is he lurking if he's in the middle of the town square? Is that still lurking? Finnosing.

85:14I told you, my boy, he's standing in the shade. That doesn't mean he's lurking. He doesn't just doesn't want to get tan.

85:19Played, is that you?

85:22Whose voice is that?

85:23Remember, you can't voice a race. That's definitely not okay. Um, uh listen, we might need your help. Have you seen a giant were rat uh going around murdering people? He's actually a pretty good guy, and we'd like to save him if we can, but if we have to kill him, we will, but we'd prefer it be us. Um listen, Blade, I know you're kind of you do bigger, cooler things, but it's kind of a big deal for us to get our were rat Fred back.

85:55Oh, you mean this? And he throws up a wear rat head on the top of his counter.

86:01No! And you're like, Oh my god, is that McNibbles? Oh, you monster Blade! Wait, is that McNibbles?

86:09Can I investigate? Does it does it actually look like McNibbles? Oh, wait, hold on. And then Blade pulls out an eyepatch and a little pirate hat and he puts it on.

86:18Oh yes! McNibbles. But how did the eyepatch get so big? It's like kind of grew and he transformed into a werewolf and then the hat got bigger too.

86:28I was going to ask you guys that question. There seems to be some kind of alteration to this creature. He's not a traditional were rat. Somebody injected him with something to make him grow large.

86:40No, McNibbles wouldn't let anybody but Van Helsing and a Van Helsing.

86:46So there I was, trying to get a job at the bar, right? And then he's not even talking to you guys.

86:52He's over at the other stand. Trying to talk to the penguin guy leaving.

87:00I know what it's like having a bit of rough luck, and I'm telling you, your day is gonna be better, I promise. But I was like, but I was like, oh yes, you need me.

87:13You're not telling me what's m what am I what's what are you not telling me? Listen, I know you like to lie, you like to exaggerate, but you never keep truce from me, okay? What did you do to McNibbles? Why how did McNibbles be Look at him? Look at him and I like hold McNibbles' hat up.

87:26Oh my god, uh Van Helsing starts crying.

87:29What did you do? How did he get so big and how did his hat grow? What did you inject him with?

87:34I'm gonna be a hundred percent honest with you, my boy. I was stopped earlier by two people in dark cloaks. Now, usually I am not one to trust people in darkly colored cloaks.

87:48Yes, what what what do we say about dark cloak by day? Uh killer wear rabbits. You're where at by night. We said these things. Exactly.

88:03I I forgot. I forgot it. It's a tale as old as time, and I forgot it. I I can't believe it. You've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times, and I forgot it. You know, I couldn't I couldn't believe it. But they gave me a kind of viscous liquid that said, if I pour this over my best friend, things will get better.

88:22Uh in that moment, uh there's a lot of thoughts going through Trevor Belmont. On one hand, he is a little disappointed that you considered Sky Pirate McNibbles his best friend and not, you know, Trevor Belmont, your partner, basically in life. Not in that way, but you know. Right, yeah, yeah. But then on the other hand, he's kind of grateful that you didn't turn him into a giant wear rat or whatever, where anything. So he's like, okay, so ignoring the problems created and maybe the deficiencies in our friendship momentarily, what happened when you poured that on? Skypowered Captain McNibbles.

89:01Instantly, like, right the [expletive] now, his skin started bubbling, and then he grew to an enormous size. Like he looked like [expletive] twice the size of Master Splinter. You know, the the the rat in the tail that taught the turtles.

89:18I told you, stop ingesting the weeds in our yard. I don't know who this wooden rat man is, Splinter. I don't understand. So he got big, he became aware of that, and you clearly tried to subdue him and stop him.

89:32Correct. He might have smelt blood because it turns out Delge tripped and fell on a bottle before he went and before McNibbles went into a blood frenzy. I want to roll an insight check on that.

89:44Yeah, go ahead.

89:45I'll roll a deception against it. Ooh, you might not beat it. I only got a 12. I got a 20. 18 plus two. Oh, damn. Okay. So I think you're telling me the the floors in the friendly arrow are horrendously slippery. And he fell in right on his jugular on that bottle. Wow. But this is besides the point where these cloaked Yeah, you've seen it once, you've seen it a thousand times. Now, who are these cloaked people? That's what I want to know. And then my Blade actually steps in at this point and he says, This vial, do you still have it? Well, of course I do.

From 90:00

90:20I poured it on him, I got scared, and I immediately thought to myself, Helsing, this vial could be worth some money later.

90:28So you better pocket this. It's in my pocket. Which are in my pants, which are not here at the moment. Be right back. I took him off when I was over there talking to the penguin guy.

90:41Just like lay like you were like you had them like laid out and then you're like leaning on them, like talking with him.

90:46Well, let me tell you about my day, like throwing them over my shoulder. So I uh he comes back uh with the vial, um he gives it to you, uh Belmont. Okay. And then uh if you can roll an arcana check on it or whatever other kind of check you want on it.

91:03Okay.

91:04Um yeah, I guess Arcana medicine is all the same for me. Um, it's not bad. It's an 18 total.

91:12Ooh, perfect. Uh you do notice that there are several ruins basically etched into the glass of this, and one of them you are very familiar with, and it is the mark of Jakur.

91:25Oh no. Oh no. It is exactly as I feared, Ventus Sing. You were fooled. But not really fooled, you really just did what they said. Like, like just verbatim. Um, but these markings see these, I mean I don't know all of them, but they're in the books in the Belmont Family Library. They're obviously dark teachings, and there is one specifically, it's basically Dracula's calling card. He looks like a bat with fangs and blood. Um and uh yeah, this is uh this is the work of of Dracula.

91:57I've seen this before, I've been tracking it for a while. It seems you are extremely lucky that your friend is so slow and did not pour this on you like I'm sure they were intending them to.

92:09Yes, he's Exactly. I'm a genius beyond my time more than anything, my boy.

92:13Yes, you're a whole lot of something, Van Helsing, and I guess I am grateful. Like your treachery is always just slightly out outside of my reach, but didn't we didn't we kill uh a Dracula back in the day? There was some but we kind of like crashed somebody's party, or I thought we crashed party, actually you were invited, it was all a setup. But anyway, didn't we push a handy capable Dracula down the stairs and kind of that was that?

92:40You you two did in fact kill that's what I thought incarnation of Dracula. But um sit down, there's a lot we have to talk about. And then uh as you guys sit down outside in the street, he basically explains the whole spiel to you how in our world Dracula basically lives on a cycle, and he will be young and full of life, and then grow old and weak, and then basically be reincarnated a little bit later, and then be back and young and full of life, and then just continuing this age cycle.

93:14Well, on that notion, we'd have a lot more time. I mean, we'd basically it would be a few more decades before he cycled back down to youth, so that doesn't make any sense.

93:22No, absolutely not. You you guys killed him in his very weakest state. He died of old age after the first step, and he was dead before he hit the last step. So you guys really just killed an old weak man.

93:38That was the greatest triumph of my life. I literally that that was the the blood oath I gave my family before they're on their dying breath was to kill Dracula. And I I thought I fulfilled my life's mission that Helsing did good for once, like ridded the world of the scores. You can't tell me that everything we did was literally gonna happen moments moments later on its own, that we were just kind of antagonized. Everybody hated us for weeks. They said you pushed an old vampire down the stairs and killed him, and he was in a wheelchair, you know. I felt bad about that.

94:07Well, I'm sorry, but you two were invited to the dinner for schmucks, basically, for monsters.

94:14Not how I remember it.

94:15Yes, I recall being invited. But it was a nice dinner, really. So, anyways. Well, we're looking at the facts here, and Dracula is coming back, and I have been following these two cloaked joksters from about three towns now, and they generate a monster and then move on. It's like they're trying to get people scared again for the rise of Dracula. You mean Dracula? No, I mean Dracula.

94:46No, let me tell you, I know fully well that it is Dracula. Back me up on this, my boy.

94:52Yeah, actually, it sounds like total [expletive], but I met him and he actually goes by Dracula. But and he also has his cousin Vinny, who sounds absolutely bizarre. Like he has cotton balls in his mouth and he's Italian, but he's also a Transylvanian. It's very odd. Anywho, yeah, it's completely true. I didn't believe it at first either. So oh gosh. Alright, let's get our head focused. If we didn't do the job the first time, then I still have a blood oath. I have to finish the job. And Ben Helsing, that means you've never amounted to anything because that was the only good thing we've ever done. And Blade, well, that's just another notch on your belt. You've really done everything. I in fact, I think you've killed him before, actually. Seven times, in fact.

94:52Yeah, well, who's counting? Not me. Not Ben Helsing. I am. And Blade like lifts up.

From 95:00

95:31He's got like a little tally mark.

95:33Like tattoos, like tallies.

95:35Oh, very nice, very nice. I know someone who got tattooed. He was a criminal. Not saying that you are, just you do a lot of lurking. A lot of lurking.

95:43Is that a is that a racial tattoo?

95:45No, it's not a no, it's not a racial thing. It's just why you don't why don't don't stand behind things.

95:49You look over and uh Van Helsing's like looking at him, like giving him a wink, like, yeah, this dude's [expletive] racist.

95:55Back me up! And I look over at the penguin guy.

96:01He's like flipping you up, like I'm [expletive] out of here.

96:04He's like slowly still just packing up, like he doesn't have much, but it still is taking him a long time because he knows he has nowhere to go.

96:09I want to picture him having his uh like suitcase packed up, and then he turned and it dropped and everything fell out on the floor, so he has to pick it all back up again.

96:25Now, if you guys are serious about this, we could team up and try to defeat Dracula together. I have an inn at the next town with the church itself. Things are not looking good. They they are more together now than they have ever been. These monsters are uniting.

96:47Holy [expletive]. It's up to me, Van Hersing, and the criminal. I mean, um I don't know how I feel. I mean, we don't need your help. We beat him once. Like, you beat him seven times. Why don't you leave some room for the little guys to have a win for once? You know, like how about you just give us the lead and you clean up, make sure the monsters, you know, like walk backwards. Like, try to help these people recover their lives, and we'll take care of the source. There's two of us and only one of you, Blade. Only one of you. No matter how much you lurk, there's just one of you.

97:17Are you are you serious right now? Well well, fine here. And then he like scribbles something down on a piece of paper, and then he hands it to you, and he's like, Maybe you should check your own library if you don't believe what's at stake here. If you need me, I'll be in the next town. You'll find me at the church, preparing our troops there. No, not l I'll see you there, maybe. And he does like a with his sword and like stabs high pirate Captain McNipple's his head and like puts it on a boat.

97:47That was unnecessary, Zoro. Okay. Well uh Van Elsing, are you up for another adventure or the same adventure that we didn't finish?

97:58I am always up for an adventure, my boy. You tell me where to go, and I will get there slowly but surely I will get there, I promise.

98:07That sounds good. Before we go, should we maybe pay our respects to Sky Pirate Captain McNibbles?

98:14I just want to know what he did with the body. It was a huge body, and all he had was the head. Whether did he leave it like it on the playground with Timmy? Like that's irresponsible.

98:22Just like the ball pit again, like just screaming. Like everything we lose is always in that ball pit.

98:35The penguins walking home from work. He has like, that's just [expletive] great.

98:44Can we just end it there? I want to I want the like ending image to be like sad music. Just like every like block, the penguin's beefcase comes undone. He has to pick up all of his stuff again.

99:01I love it. I [expletive] love it.

99:04Oh my god. No, that was great. Thank you for kicking off uh the Death Monks premiere. Uh, what can we expect from this adventure? Um, what for people who don't know the D-Hunters and if they haven't figured it out yet, like what can we expect?

99:18Um, so for people that do know the D-Hunters, this one is gonna be a little bit different where we're not gonna be all over the place. We are following a storyline and we are gonna keep going, and it's basically gonna be a real season of shenanigans from the D-Hunters. And for those of you who don't know the D-Hunters, um, we are incompetent, but somehow lucky enough to keep pushing forward, much unlike the penguin guy.

99:47It's perfect. I think that's great. I look forward to seeing where this goes. Uh, thanks for kicking off season two with me. Thanks for our new listeners, thanks for our new Patreon subscribers. Thanks for supporting us, and I hope you enjoy the season.

99:59Appreciate you guys. Thank you. Bye.