Go Big or Go Groshurberger

From 0:00

0:15Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents the Daft Monks podcast. Hey Nate, how's it going?

0:21It's good, Nate. We're back.

0:23We're back though. It doesn't matter. I saw on a comment today, they're like, what, you're back? And like, [expletive] yeah, [expletive], we're back.

0:30You made that up. We don't have comments.

0:32It was on Facebook. Do you see it?

0:33Oh, I've stopped. I've totally quit Facebook. I don't look at that.

0:37Anywho. So what's uh new with you, Nate? I know uh there's some news going on in uh the Squid Games universe.

0:45Yeah, alright, so I can't let it go, guys. I'm sorry, but the last episode I mentioned, there was like maybe some clickbaity stuff, like it's that serious. Like three people rolled out in stretchers. Well, people have gotten back, and they're starting, even though they have NDAs, they're using like alias names and talking with. So this article was from Variety. So like I'm not saying, you know, obviously not like NPR, but like, you know, not like some random gossip.com or whatever.

1:09It's not the inquirer.

1:11No, exactly. And the articles are [expletive] hilarious, Nate. I literally and figuratively may have dodged a bullet on this one. Uh basically, I just want to jump right in, Nate. I was just gonna read you some of the like juicy parts of the article.

1:24Oh, yeah, I want to hear them.

1:26So they did basically start with the red light, green light game. No Alec Baldwin, which is probably for you know for the best. We didn't call it. Something like they woke them up at like 3:30 in the morning. It was a two-hour drive to a hangar. And now this is filming in the UK. They're in this like old military hangar, and it's cold as [expletive]. It's below zero degrees Celsius, which right that's under 32 degrees Fahrenheit, you know, freezing. Yeah, pretty freaking cold. Now, I'll say get over it to some extent. They gave them some like hand warmers, like thermounderwear and socks and stuff, and they told you like pack a jacket and all that.

1:26But the problem was once they started to play Red Light, Green Light, which they anticipated to take two hours, and remember they're hooking up these like fake blood machines to you and mics, so there's lots of prep. Whoa. And then they were like, all right, red light, green light is gonna take two hours. It took seven hours, mate. Imagine playing red light, green light for seven hours, first of all.

2:21Like, where do you stop at? Like, you've got to stop eventually, right?

2:26So it sounds like what was happening is it was supposed to be like two minutes between like kind of each round, and they have third-party people trying to keep the game fair and like monitoring. So I think what was happening was these people weren't able to like watch the game in just two minutes and figure stuff out, or like and we'll get into like some of the medical things that were happening. So basically, the rounds were usually more like 10 to 15 minutes between each green light, and then some of them one round a woman said she counted, it was close to 26 minutes before the next green light, and they wouldn't let you move. And when the first person dropped, let me see if I can read like a good part of it.

2:26When the show's Giant Killer Doll stopped singing, they had to freeze in position. But what began is the promised two-minute wait was quickly bumped up to 10 and then 15 minutes. Marlene, which was her code name because she has an NDA, says she counted a 26 minute wait during one round, which I said. The second time the song played, I saw in my left peripheral vision that this girl was swaying. Then she just buckled and you could hear her head actually hit the ground. But then someone came on the microphone and said to hold our positions because the game is not paused. After that, people were dropping like flies. Marlene estimates that around four people fainted. Netflix has said three people required medical attention.

2:26The article later goes on to say multiple people said it was four. After medics were called for the 11th time, estimates Marlene, they started giving us relaxation breaks, which were don't move your feet, but if you want to bend your knees or move your arms around, you can.

3:55Oh, that's nice, oh well.

3:57Yeah. So yeah, they're just complaining. Like, imagine playing red light, green light for seven hours. Like it's not fun anymore, in freezing temperatures in a tracksuit. Also, here's the thing that people got upset about. Once the game started, they took away your hand warmers, and you couldn't, you were they were wearing their coats up into that point, but they took away their coats. Oh. And they couldn't even keep the the front part zipped because they had to display their number. So they had to keep the jacket unzipped. So it was totally, totally F. Now, Nate, you know, I'll go ahead and say I would have excelled at this. I basically have already done this in basic training. Right. But here's the part, Nate, that really, really started to upset me.

3:57Like this is where I also would have been [expletive] livid, Nate. All three players say they return to the hotel between 7 p.m. and midnight without having dinner. Dinner orders had been taken at lunch, but because the game had run longer than expected, remember, quoted two hours, contestants were transported back to their central London hotel, two hours away, without having eaten. Production had ordered pizzas for those arriving, but there wasn't enough food to go around, and some people went to bed hungry.

4:57Oh no.

4:58And then there's another blurb I didn't save it, but it basically said that some people woke up and there was a bag of McDonald's with like one cheeseburger that had been sitting there for like hours, and then they were like the next day flown home. And these people weren't paid. Remember, I said in the last episode, you're not getting any kind of stipend to be here. So it just sounds absolutely terrible, and I cannot wait to watch it with you, Nate, and [expletive] all over it and see who the quirky person is that stood out in the cold for seven hours and took my [expletive] spot. So serves you right.

From 5:00

5:28But like, did these people not watch the show? Because it sounds like everything on this reality show is exactly like the show. They're fighting for food. Uh, these are miserable events. Nobody's out there having fun playing red light, green light. There was one guy having fun on the real show, and he was in on it.

5:45Yeah. Logistic, I I get it, people don't think logistically, but like when you watch how long was that scene? Well, actually, the scene was probably a few like kind of long for the red light, green light. But like, right, you know, you're you're watching it, they're editing it in a way that's like red light, green light, and it's like stop, go, and you know, it happens all pretty quickly. Like, you don't realize in a reality TV show, that isn't gonna happen that fast. Even like with their two minutes, supposedly supposed to be two minutes between rounds, like that never would have happened. This was gonna be a super long day every day. Spoiler alert, every day is gonna be a super long day with very little sleep. I yeah, I also don't get it.

5:45But the food part, I think, is like even just the fact that they ordered [expletive] pizza, like, are you [expletive] kidding me? Like, right, I get that 456 people is unheard of, like that level of cast for like people to take care of for production is wild. But they have two production companies, which is unheard of, working on this. Ooh, that is weird. What the [expletive] do they expect? And also, you're not paying any of us to be there. So the least you can do, like, I'm sorry, but I would have been livid if I had a [expletive] Domino's [expletive] two slices of Domino's pizza after a like a 16-hour day. I would have lost my [expletive] mind.

6:51You know, and with those two slices, you got more than everybody else.

6:54Oh, yeah. The game would have really started then because I would have been eating people's pizza. I'd be like, you can't compete if you can't [expletive] eat. And you know, staring them down. The game within the game.

7:04Like, what are you gonna do about it, Shirley? You ain't doing [expletive]. Now give me that.

7:12I just the line where you could audibly hear her head actually hit the ground. Wild, absolutely wild.

7:19Oh, and they're not allowed to turn and look around, so you just hear it and be like, oh my god, I think a person just fell next to the game.

7:25I know. Honestly, Nate, like too. I I'm the type, I think we talked about this. I'm the type who laughs when I'm uncomfortable in a horror movie. So I can definitely see myself just starting the giggle or something when it happens. And if honestly, not like even like haha, but like out of discomfort because I don't know what to do. Right. I'd probably be the first contestant to like get blown up for laughing in the middle of red like green light.

7:48You would look like a real [expletive] out there and be like, this guy's laughing at him.

7:52Anyway, guys, if you're listening to the podcast, I'm so sorry, but it is very unlikely. I'm sure people are gonna keep getting off the show and have more and more stories, and they're all gonna talk anonymously until the numbers get fewer. We are probably gonna keep talking about this and then re-talk about it once the show comes out. Buckle up. This is now Daft Monks, the Squid Game podcast.

8:12Sorry, not sorry. Deal with it.

8:14Okay, Nate, I talked a whole lot here. What are you what do you like to talk about? I know you've been you've been making some progress with your ayans.

8:20Ooh, yeah, I've been doing really good. I've lost a little bit of weight. I cheated today. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. I had one Red Bull, but I have been doing really good and it's promising. So there's that.

8:33You know that's very exciting. But then, Nate, you told me a really fascinating fact that I honestly, if you're comfortable, I would love to talk about on the show because it like that's crazy to me what you were saying about like hormones and stuff.

8:47So, yeah, so uh when Megan was originally pregnant with Corvin, I got fat. And I I thought, like, man, what the heck? You know, like why am I getting so fat? I got up to like 236, like high 230s, and I've never been that big in my life. And then I lost all that weight after we had Corvin. But then the second go-around, I made an effort for Roscoe. I'm like, all right, you were gonna [expletive] watch yourself, you know, and I didn't gain any weight, but it was still the same thing.

8:47Like, I've uh I watched a video on it, and I've also read a little bit on it that when women are pregnant, so if your partner is pregnant, uh they will it's some kind of weird thing where they're like releasing a pheromone or something, and the man picks up on it, and then his body starts changing to where he's like, Okay, we're gonna have a child, we need to settle down, we need to pack on some weight, you know, because we got to feed this kid, so we need all the energy we can have.

8:47Uh, we don't need to be out whoring around because we can like take care of this kid, so it's something to where it like lowers your testosterone levels and ups your estrogen levels, and it like happens to your body, and it's just the craziest [expletive] thing.

From 10:00

10:03How have I not heard about this? I mean, like, and I you know, obviously aside, I'm not in a relationship where my partner can get pregnant, so that I mean, but like, how have I like I I I work in marketing in in my real life, which is actually tends to be a little bit more dominant by females, and so I've worked with planned coworkers who have gone maternity leave. This is ne and maybe it's something they don't want to share at work, but like, how have I never ever heard that this whole thing about like, oh yeah, like if your wife gets pregnant, your testosterone gets blocked for a period, or you know, like whatever, however, it's described scientists. Like, I had never heard that before, Nate.

10:03Like, and I was just imagining Megan was like absorbing your testosterone, like, I'm having this baby now.

10:42She's got a full beard. This is for the child, he will be stronger than you, he will lead the clan. Yeah, but you've heard of like uh sympathy weight, right? So, like, I that's what I always thought it was. So, like, sympathy weight is the husband or whatever partner gets fat when the other partner gets pregnant, and like I thought that's just what was happening to me, but it turns out there's an actual uh logical.

11:11It sounds like [expletive] to me. Like, I'm gonna watch after this episode to see if this is like one of your conspiracy theories. We're like weird programmed animals that like do things, you know. Like in the cartoons where like you touch something and it like sprays you, like we do that with our body too. It's just like you know, we don't have like audible, hilarious, like visual like discharges, usually, but like we're the same thing, we're the same thing, right?

11:35We have like we're just accustomed to it at this point. Like, if somebody else saw something, and like, oh, do you know if you shine a light in their eyes, like their pupils get really small, or if it gets dark, they get like what a bunch of [expletive] weirdos, you know.

11:48It's a fact, you heard it here first, you hear it for worse. Don't get pregnant, or don't let your partner get pregnant.

11:54It's not just one of my multiple conspiracy theories. I've been going down a lot of deep dives lately, Nate. Lately, it's been uh mixed martial arts deep dives about how the first UFC was rigged, and then uh fake martial artists, and then I actually sent Nate a link to a guy named Ashida Kim. Uh I forget what his real name is, but he's just some dude in [expletive] Florida who invented some sweet ninja skills, and he's got a bunch of videos out there if you want to watch them. [Editorial omission.]

12:43The funny part is my mom is a huge science fiction nerd, and I'm the one more likely to read that novel. But but anywho, yeah, no, uh, you show me that, and the conspiracy goes even deeper than that, Nate, because who on that cover art was very clearly depicted, but none other than our biggest fan competitor inspiration muse, Greta Ruggerberger or whatever her name is.

13:06We don't want to get sued, so Greta Thurgerberger.

13:10No, who's kidding? I don't know her [expletive] name.

13:12I don't I don't know how to say yeah, I don't know, Thurberg or something like that. It doesn't matter. Either way, look up a Sheeta Kim novel if you're a listener of the show, and sure as [expletive], it's Greta's face on the cover of this book. It looks just like her, but she is doing some dirty things with a Sheeta Kim.

13:32Sheeta Kim's who gotta worry about is the one who's gotta worry about getting sued by Greta because that was just scandalous, Nate.

13:38It was wild. And it has to be uh one of those like Fabio things where they looked at him as a model and then they kind of recreated it because a Sheeta Kim ain't getting that close to any lady, I can guarantee it.

13:51And you know, like that whole thing totally made me think of remember we did the the Kung Lu uh deat match? It kind of like literally it's the same thing, basically. Like this guy, like is like, oh, Kung Fu was working out, so I did these videos. Like, that's almost the exact premise you use for Kung Lu.

14:09Was that like inspiration, or that he wasn't, but uh Count Dante was actually my inspiration.

14:16Oh, and he who the [expletive] is Count Dante?

14:19All right, let me break it down for you. He was one of the original guys. So before the Kung Fu movie started coming out, karate from this was karate still from the Orient back then, so and it was saying it ironically, yeah. And then I kid you not, Nate, Count Dante was the leader of the black dragon fight society, like Kano's black dragons. So he made this up, right?

14:44I didn't I don't usually want to know, but what is the ethnicity of Count Dante?

14:50Uh Irish, white Irish man.

14:54Dante gives me Irish, Count gives me not Irish.

From 15:00

15:02But no, uh, he is neither a Count nor a Dante, he is just an Irish guy. Oh, originally, Nate, you're gonna love this. Originally, he was a hairdresser, and and so he has a black belt or whatever in some kind of karate style. It's not looking good, so he's like, I need to change it up. He writes to all the comic books and magazines in the time, and he says he developed the ding mock or the death touch, and he sold it for five dollars a piece, and it was a little pamphlet. Now, this is where [expletive] gets crazy because he started building a following from this little pamphlet.

15:02Ipso facto, we're in the 70s, his black dragon dojo ended up fighting another team's dojo over rights over who was gonna teach karate in the streets. I believe it's in New York City at the time. And one guy of Count Dante's got killed because they dressed up like fake police officers, went over to the other dojo, we're gonna go shut it down, and one of the big rumors is that one of Count Dante's friends was stabbed in the chest with a [expletive] spear, and that's how he died, and it went to the court, and the judge was like, You [expletive] kids need to just cut this [expletive] out, and nobody was charged with anything, man.

16:21The guy died, and nobody was charged with [expletive].

16:28It was so ludicrous. He's like, This isn't even worth my [expletive] time, even though somebody [expletive] passed away over this dispute.

16:35They're like, uh, defendant, state your name, Count Dante. The judge is probably like, I'm [expletive] done, man. Get the [expletive], take your [expletive].

16:42Counts will be counts. Like, what the [expletive]?

16:45Like, oh man, so you gotta look up some of this stuff. Like, he's got a little, like, little afro poof little thing, and yeah, he was just a hairdresser that turned karate master.

16:57Tell us all this time, yeah. Seen it one thousand, seen it a thousand times.

17:02But he was actually the inspiration for Kung Lu. Oh god, it's so good.

17:07Oh man, I know that cracked he died with a [expletive] spear, Nate. It's the 70s. Who's getting stabbed to death with a [expletive] spear in the streets in New York City?

17:17And who didn't see a guy walking around with a spear? Like, you can't a dagger, you know, you could hide, or like even like you know, nunchucks you fit in your pocket, but like a spear is just gonna like there's a guy walking the streets in New York City with a spear in the 70s.

17:31I bet I bet the [expletive] saw it, and he's like, Oh, I've been training on how to dodge this. Watch guys, and he just got [expletive] stabbed in the chest.

17:39See, Nate. See, you got me all all worked up now because I I my office is out of the the company I work for is uh, or at least my branch is stationed out in New York City, and now I gotta worry about if I go stay in a hotel, go walk over to the office, I might get stabbed by a guy with a spear. Yeah, a former, you know, former hairdresser, turn kung fu prodigy.

17:59And you're not gonna get any kind of retribution from it because the judge is gonna take one look at it and be like, you [expletive] kids, get out of here, you know. Kids will be kids.

18:08Don't let it happen again, okay? A lot of things in life always go back to me to the movie Anger Management, and I love that scene where like I think this was after he hits like the airline attendant when they were fighting and like accidentally elbows her or whatever, um, or hits someone in the bar. And the judge is like, You have like three counts of assault. What do you have to say for yourself? And then like everything stops because the Nicholas is uh was his name, not Nicholas Cage, uh Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson, Jack Nicholson comes in and he like winks at people and then goes up to the judge, like, may I approach Judge? And she's like, Of course.

18:08And he just like walks up and and they like they just like bant her and she's like, I'm gonna let you go. And anyway, that's just what it sounds like. Like that would never happen in real life, but like that's literally what probably happened. And this is in the 70s. Again, we're not talking like 1840 or talking about 19. Wild, wild, yes, crazy. Why aren't we doing this stuff in our podcast? We should just be covering these stories, they're even wilder than anything we can come up with for Van Helsing or Toro Belmont. All right, Nade, unless you got anything else you wanna rant about, I think we can dive into today's episode.

19:21Let's jump into it. The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our hearts are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.

19:42I wouldn't quite say lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not, for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.

19:58Alright, and we're back. Nate, I'm gonna give you a chance. Every time you recap, you leave out major important points from the last episode, but why don't you try to give us a recap of last episode to the best of your ability?

From 20:00

20:11Okay, you got it. So, Belmont was easily captured by a goblin, drugged down into a dungeon of some kind. That is where he met his new friend and fellow monster slayer, Naya. Together, they managed to escape, luckily, out of the dungeon and worked their way through said dungeon upstairs, where they ran into a couple different rooms. They got to know each other a little bit, talked about their feelings. Definitely, with what we've heard from the feedback, Naya uh fell down on a stick, and his voice is going to change a little bit for the next time he comes back. So that is uh now canon. But uh they together found their way and saw Dracula killing poor, poor Blade. Uh it was a travesty, really. Blade died so easily.

20:11And then uh somehow, one way or another, Belmont tripped through some glass and stumbled in because he's so clumsy. It definitely wasn't Naya's fault or anything. And then they got to talking to Dracula, decided, you know what, Dracula's too dangerous. So Belmont decided to be a crazy person and jump out the window very recklessly. Naya jumped out to save him, grabbing some vines. Together they used Blade's body as a pillow, cushioning their fall in the moat.

20:11And Belmont stripped Blade completely naked for some reason, taking his trench coat and sunglasses and sword, and they found their way back into the presence of Belmont castle or manor, and uh it just so happened that there was a large explosion, and out of the roof of the manor, a large demonic looking Belmont dad uh appeared, and he had that scowl on his face, like, Oh, you kids, you know.

22:04Boys will be boys, and uh, that's pretty much what I remember from it.

22:10Make sure you put those spares away.

22:13That's exactly how I remember.

22:15Yep, that's exactly how it happened, Nate. Um, I yeah, couldn't next time just do it in Van Hilsing's voice because that might as well be the perspective it's coming from. But uh yeah, that's uh that also tells me exactly how much you listen to the parts that I talk.

22:33Oh, it can be like one of those animes where the main character is not even in it, like on Naruto, and Naruto's telling you what happened and be like, last time Naya single-handedly saved the day, as Belmont did absolutely nothing, like always. I love blackberries.

22:48It's in the pod, because honestly, I don't even like I talk so much anyway, and I have to cut out like 20% of what I say. So me just doing a recap, forget it. From now on, we'll do we'll just do uh Van Helsing's version of the recap, even though he's not there. And he can even add insight on why things happened even though he wasn't there. So I love it. We'll we'll roll with that. Uh all right, perfect. So this episode, um, again, we're gonna do a little like fast forwards in time because it's not fun to talk about walking for three days and that kind of [expletive].

22:48So we are switching back to uh Bingo and Van Helsing, who are traveling to some kind of local capital, I don't know, business epicenter of the region that they're in. And we'll say that they arrived and very quickly set up base at a familiar location, something like Bingo had access to, he had the keys to an old, I don't know, building. And they started to like set up, and immediately bingo has this plan he wants to carry out. And so that's where we're picking up today. They've been they've been in this town, the city. We'll call it um Grocer. Grocer, Grocerburger, Grocer Burger Greta Groscherburger.

23:55Um she's the mayor of Grocer Burger.

24:01I I'm not even gonna go into it. I picked that name because I was about to say something from Castlevania, but then I was like, oh, we have to stop saying things that could maybe get us sued. So then I just started and changed. It was almost like the Bella bit, but in real life. Right. It was the the Peter Griffin moment.

24:16Um that could be new merch, though. It'll be a picture of Greta, but her eyes will have the black bar going across it, and we'll say Greta Gersher Burger Gersher.

24:25We have to be famous because we'll have the most bizarre, funny merch that you'll only get if you listen to 47 episodes of the Daff Months.

24:33I'd wear that shirt every single [expletive] day.

24:36Greta Grisha Bruce. You've worn [expletive] shirts every day. That Dungeons and Dragons shirt. Like, I if I if like you ever left that at my house, I'd just burn it instead of touching it.

24:46The one print is completely gone off one of them now. And Megan looks at me with the other one that has like the really bad pit stains in them, because I use it for everything from working outside to working out to actually going to work and then lounging around. She's like, I'm gonna throw that [expletive] shirt out.

From 25:00

25:01And I'm like, it's my favorite, it's Greta Thurster Burger.

25:04I mean, it's basically it's a material that she can anyway. We're getting off topic. Long story short, uh, so Bingo and Van Helsing are in Grocerburger, uh, getting ready to carry out a plan uh that Van Helsing admittedly doesn't maybe fully understand or have all the details for.

25:23I understand nothing about this plan. I knew that we flipped a coin, heads we do this plan in Grocerberger Scherfurger, and tails we go to Chult and look for Belmont, and we landed on heads, so here we are in Berserfgerger, Sugar Burger, Dugger Durger. What exactly are we doing here, bingo, my leader, my teacher, my swami?

25:47Then, Helsing, my child, I am so proud of you for figuring out as much as you have. As I've said seven times already, we are preparing a dinner for some esteemed guests tonight.

25:58Yes, I understand that, but I also want you to know that I have had a problem with dinners in the past, where I've been to one, right, and it was fun. It was like la la la la la, here we are having fun. I punched a guy, sucker style, and then I met a lovely lady, and it turned out it was for schmucks, and we were the schmucks, me and my friend, Belmont. You remember him, the guy we're supposed to be looking for?

26:23Hmm, yes, as I remember it, even though I wasn't there, you uh quote curb stomped a goblin, and then it somehow changed to punched in the face, conveniently. But that's neither here nor there. Don't worry about it, my friend. Just go to the market and grab the rest of these ingredients. We have two hours before our guests arrive.

26:43Alright, let me see the list. Okay, tomato. Mm-hmm. Yes, I know that. What is this? Down here on the bottom, highlighted. Made outfit. What is what is this?

26:55Oh nothing. Just a little bit of uh design fashion to set the scene as it were. Don't you worry a hair on your head, my child. Alright. I'll go to the market. Oh, give me the list back one sec. And then he grabs it and adds belly dancing outfit underneath it and highlights that too. Hmm. Okay, my boy. Chop chop.

27:16Alright. I'll be back in the shake of a curb stompy.

27:24Okay. Uh, do you want to even roleplay this [expletive] or do you just want to get back? How do you want to do this?

27:28It don't matter to me. Whatever you think. Do you want to be a shopkeeper? Because if not, we can just get back to groceries.

27:33Let's script the grocery market at grocer burger. And skip to the clothing store. Let's replay the clothing store, then you can head back.

27:43That was really confusing getting groceries and grocery burger sugar burger. You should have seen the sign out there. It was the most difficult thing to read. Like, what am I even looking at? Grocer burger, sugar burger groceries? It had so many G's in it. I've never seen so many G's.

28:03Who are you talking to? Who are you talking to?

28:06I'm monologuing to myself. Well, I'm walking to the tailor. This is ridiculous. What kind of town is this?

28:15It's Groshenberger.

28:21All right, here I am. Alright, I'm gonna go down Grocerburger Main Street and find the tailor.

28:27Oh, hello. Hello, welcome to Groshenberger Taylor.

28:33Yes, thank you. Um I have a couple of items that I need to get by. Um, one is a maid outfit, and the other is a belly dancer outfit. They are uh necessary tools that I need here in Bershaker Burger Sherber to um for my friend. Sorry. That's uh the air is very thin here in Bershaker Berserker.

28:59Okay, all right, all right, hi. We we have to get through this. Okay, those are those are pretty unique uh requests, but we we can do so. Do you have the size uh you know the the bust and the different measurements that needed for the outfit?

29:13He didn't really say he just said get a rough estimate for a portly fellow with a mustache.

29:20I don't know what that means. The tailor looks at you up, his eyes just glance up and then down. He's like, Yeah, I think I got it.

29:28Oh, well, good. And um, since I'm here, I saw a shirt in the window that I'd like to have. The one that says welcome to Christian Perker.

29:44If you don't mind wrapping that up for me too, that would be great.

29:48Yeah, yes, that's our most popular shirt, actually. Uh happy to let me see if we have one in your size.

29:54Um if you do, I'm actually gonna wear it out. Yes. 2x that'll be fine, extra wide. I want to make sure all the letters fit on the shirt.

From 30:00

30:04Okay, uh that will be uh 14 uh silver pieces, and it'll be about seven days for the belly dance outfit and the maid costume. Uh we don't usually make them in large mustachioed uh form.

30:17Yeah, rather odd size, but that's what he told me. You know, I'm not a I'm not a tailor, so you know, I trust your judgment. I'll go tell Bingo, but I I get the t-shirt now, right? Oh yeah, no, that you can have the t-shirt now.

30:29Um score. Okay. We'll say you hand over the money, and uh yeah, I guess you go back to Bingo to tell him it's gonna be seven days for the outfits.

30:41Bingo, I'm back. So you're not gonna believe this, but Herger Burger Sugarburger is a tough town to find anything in. Um, all of the signs are all Hershey Burger for Sugar Avenue 1, Herschaburger for Sugar Avenue 2, and they have them all written down on the signs. They're the longest street signs I've ever seen in my life. Either way, seven business days for the belly dancer and the maid outfit, if that's okay with you, bingo. And I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm wearing something a little different today. He's puffing out his chest.

31:17Oh yes, it's that shirt everyone wears that says, Welcome to Grocer Burger Burger, home of the Ruggenbring Durger. Yes, that's the one. Well, my child, there is a problem. These outfits are needed for tonight, as I repeatedly had mentioned. But not no fear, even though you spent all of the silver on a souvenir from the local shop. Here, go to this address. He writes a new address on the paper. Um, it's on Grocer Burger 16 and the corner of Grocer Burgery Northwest. And uh speak to the Madam, and she should have what we need.

31:59Yes, does the madam have a name or is it just Madam?

32:02No, it's uh just Madam.

32:04Okay, very well. I guess I'm on my way then. Cruising my way downtown, making my way Hersheaburger Burger Dugger.

32:16How does this become the punchline of the episode? It's so stupid. It's so dumb. Anyway, okay, so uh as you approach, uh let's how uh we're not even doing rolls anymore. It looks like a brothel. You've seen those many times, so you're very uh accustomed. Um it looks like he sent you the address of a brothel, not a tailor.

32:36Oh, okay. I'm very familiar with places like this, but I even though I've never been to one here in Hersheyberger Sugar, but onward I go, knock knock knock. Come in. Oh, alright. You got it. Hello, madam. I'm assuming Madame Hersheyberger Vershuger. Um, I have a note here from a man named Bingo. He is my swami slash mentor, and he told me to see you about a horse. Or actually, what's on the note? Here, here's the note.

33:05As soon as you said Bingo's name, she kind of looked like she kind of went like pale and ghostly, and she did take the letter and she reads. Um she says, uh, yes, right this way. Uh we we we don't usually have things in this size, but whatever bingo needs, of course. Uh we we don't [expletive] with that guy.

33:23Oh yes, I too do not mess with him. He is rather stern sometimes.

33:28Deborah Burger, please come down here. And uh a very quite portly woman comes down and she stops at the top of the stairwell, kind of like eyes you, blows you a kiss, and comes down, and she's like, the madam uh is like, no, no, he's not here for business. We need you to take him upstairs and pick out some of your clothing.

33:49Oh, okay.

33:51Wow, that is a voice you have on you. You could be one of the three tenors brothers, you know, the bass.

33:59Nope, just Deborah Burger, Burger Burger. And yeah, I'm uh I've been here the longest. I have the fewest visits, but I've been here the most time. Tell me how that adds up, right? Anyway, my room's up here. Alright, I'll f I'll follow you, Miss Amazonian Durger Burger Durger. So uh you go up a number of stairs, both of you begin perspiring quite a bit, and you get into her bedroom, uh, which is not very appealing or uh sensual in any way, and she opens a wardrobe and says, Alright, the madam says you get to take your pick, whatever you want, I guess.

34:33Well, there's something in particular, two things actually. I need a belly dancer outfit for something or one thing or another, and I also need a kind of a cocktail waitress, slash maid, slash, I don't know, hostess with the mostist here in Burger Dugger Sugar Dugger. I that's what I need. Got it.

34:52Coming right up. Sluty Halloween costume and my cousin Vinny's drag outfit. You got it.

34:58I've yes, if that's the code names for them. Why would they make such a lovely lady live all the way up all these stairs? I am sweating so profusely.

From 35:00

35:07Who are you talking to? Are you talking to me?

35:09Yes, of course. You're a lady and you're offering me clothes. You are a lady, correct? I mean you are a lady.

35:15But you haven't paid me. Why are you being nice willingly? I don't understand.

35:19It's my job to help the less fortunate, and bring them up, you know, even beyond their station.

35:26Well, this was just gonna be a pure business transaction, but if you got some time on your hands, maybe I could we could have a little fun, make it worth your while.

35:35No, no, I'm afraid that that that wouldn't happen, because you would die. A slow and very painful death if I were to make sweet, passionate love to you right now.

35:45That's always what they say. Just say it, you think I'm a porker, huh? That's it. And then this basically is the entire scene from Anger Management where she starts stuffing brownies and is like, just say that I'm a porker, and she just like throws the brownies at you.

35:57Okay, well, I'm gonna get these clothes and just step on back outside.

36:02They're probably too tight for you anyway, porker.

36:05How'd you know they're for me? They might not be for me. Just bingo needs them. I don't think they're for me.

36:09Yeah, I'll be seeing you. A couple weeks, you'll be in the room above mine, and we'll then we'll see who who's laughing. Die a painful death, unbelievable. I've heard it all.

36:17Oh well, we'll tell each other nice stories at night.

36:21She slams the door on him. Oh.

36:23Such a lovely girl. Alright, I'm gonna try to slide down this rail because those stairs were really doing a number on my calves.

36:31Okay, um, it's not smooth, it's like really bumpy.

36:35I've had worse.

36:38Okay, so you get down to the bottom, and uh the madam's there and is like, did you find what you need?

36:43I hope so. I found these two outfits that seem to be large and circus tent shape almost.

36:52And yet somehow too small, but as long as you and Bingo are happy, we are happy. Please come back anytime.

37:01Well, I'm always happy, but uh okay, yes, okay. Everyone's so nice every time I mention Bingo's name around here. So it's so weird.

37:09Yes, well, that's our safe lord, along with Stop a Burger Dogger.

37:14Hmm, yes. Rolls right off the tongue.

37:18So, uh yeah, she escorts you out and you know, thanks you for your time, and again keeps reiterating, you please tell Bingo that whatever he needs, uh, you know, and and so on and so forth.

37:28Yeah, yeah, I'll tell him what you said, you floozy.

37:31And she goes inside and closes the door.

37:33Wow, nice people here in Ferguson. Alright, make my way back to Bingo.

37:39As you're walking, uh some guy comes up to you and he's like, Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?

37:44Oh yes I do. Would you look at that he really wanted to sucker punch him, but he's holding it back and he brings out his watch. It is exactly I don't know what time is it.

37:56It is ten minutes before the dinner.

37:58Oh [expletive]! I need to hurry back. Um, thank you, sir, for reminding me that the time is a thing. Um bye.

38:06Yes, very convenient. Have a good day. Uh alright, so you get back to uh we'll call it Bingo's hideout uh for the rest of this episode, because god forbid I make up any more names ever in the show.

38:22What a long run! That's the longest main street I've ever seen. The sign for the name runs the whole length of the street. I'm back, bingo.

38:32My child, where have you been? The dinner starts in ten minutes. You're not even ready, you're not dressed, you haven't prepared the dinner. Breathe, bingo. It's okay, everything is going to go smoothly. Forget the food ingredients. I have already prepared what we're gonna have for tonight. It has a extra special kick. If you are picking up what I'm putting down, which I'm sure you're not. No. Please go get changed and get ready to welcome our guests.

38:57Alright, but just to be fair, you sent me to the [expletive] Mall of America version of brothels. Twenty stories of brothels in this place, and they put the ugliest chick at the top, and that's where I had to go to get these clothes. I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining. I'm not, but I'm complaining.

39:15You did great, my child, and I'm very, very proud of you. Now go put the maid outfit on and let's get started.

39:21Well, I can slide right in them. I'm so sweaty right now, okay.

39:25That's let's say you go. You don't have to put the maid outfit on right away. Uh let's say he comes back in and alters plans. He's like, actually, never mind. Uh, you're going to first welcome our guests in whatever nice attire you have.

39:38So not the welcome to Durger Burger Sugar Virgo Dugger shirt.

39:41Yes, you can wear the welcome to the Virgo Dugger.

39:44Yes! And a bow tie.

39:49That you just had on you. It was actually Mr. McNivill, so it's like extremely small.

39:53Yes, it's red. It's got little prints of cheeses on it. It's adorable.

39:58Okay, okay, no, hurry up, hurry up. We have to get ready now. I have to uh I need to keep up certain appearances. I'm sure you'll understand, my boy, but just follow along, follow my lead as that you're very good at, and everything will go quite well.

From 40:00

40:12Yes, okay. You just have to tell me the names of the people, and I'll and I'll remember them.

40:17Oh, yes, I I guess I should tell you our guest list for you this evening. We have four guests. We have Brutus the Brute, Joey Thritos, okay, Dracula's cousin Vinny. Odd. And lastly, the White Russian.

40:33These sound like code names of infamous people, Bingo. Um what kind of business are we conducting? Just a dinner with a kick in it, apparently?

40:44What have I taught you about judging books by their covers, Van Helsing?

40:48Uh, sometimes a book doesn't have a cover, and then what do you say about that?

40:51Yes, they're criminals.

40:55Just like Vinny, I'm sure. Uh okay.

40:58Anyway, uh, go help out, and I think uh Vinny might need some extra assistance. Okay, now let's go. Alright. Let the dinner begin.

41:07Ding dong! Already?

41:09I guess Bingo's hideout has a [expletive] doorbell.

41:13A ring camera. Alexa, who's at the door? Oh no, don't turn on.

41:21No, god damn it. Do you need a sec? I can I can edit because I can edit out. Okay. No, it's okay. It turned on.

41:30Cancel. You dumb [expletive]. Okay. Um, who's at the door first? Hello and welcome. Who are you, sir?

41:41Ziam Zwite Russian, and I am a madam.

41:45Oh, sorry. Uh I get easily confused about gender. You know how it f it's fluid, and you can't really tell what's up and down. How's it go? I I I am I am Van Helsing, and this is uh Bingo's house. Uh welcome to the dinner. Uh come on in.

42:00She looks around. Is this the right place? This does not look uh very appropriate for tonight's topic.

42:08I'm sure you're in the right place because your name is White Russian. There's a White Russian here on my list of people joining us, and this is in fact Bingo's dinner. Can I make you anything to drink? Perhaps a White Russian?

42:21Oh, how did you know that is my favorite?

42:23Lucky guess.

42:24Please make me a White Russian man in a welcome to Herkishburger t-shirt.

42:29You got it, Tuts. You mind if I call you Tuts? Yeah, it doesn't matter. Okay, here we go.

42:34So you guide her over, she sits down, she's the first at the table, Bingo immediately greets her, like, ah ladies first, as they say. Of course, you would be first to arrive, because you are the most competent of all of them, White Russian. And they begin to banter and chat around, and uh yeah, you go into the kitchen to make a drink.

42:52Awesome. Okay, let me see if I can remember what's in a white Russian. Um, I'm sure it's white. No. Eh, [expletive] it. I just put some water in a cup, some milk on top of that, stir it with my finger, and then bring it out to her.

43:10And the doorbell rings.

43:12Uh oh, perfect timing. I go drop off the drink. There you go, white Russian. Doo doo doo doo doo.

43:18She looks incredibly displeased.

43:20Oh, ice! I can't I forgot ice. You're such an idiot, Van Nelsing. How could you forget ice? It's a fancy dinner party. Everyone wants ice. Ding dong, ding dong. Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming. Oh my god, this is stressed out. Bingo's just sitting there, and I'm worried about all these guests. I don't even know. Okay, I open the door.

43:37It's Joey Three Toes. Oh, okay.

43:40Hey, how's it going? I'm Joey.

43:43Excuse me, I can't really hear you.

43:45Yeah, I know. I I whisper a lot, but I'm actually really cool about stuff like that.

43:52Alright, sir. You're kind of a breather. That's fine. Come sit down.

43:58Joey Three Toes. Welcome to the dinner.

44:01Oh, thanks for having me, Bingo. It's quite a pleasure out here. I'm glad I can be here, you know what I'm saying?

44:07I didn't hear a word you said, my child. Come sit down.

44:11I think he said he's happy to be here. I oh man. Uh let's put a little megaphone. Uh get like a collar, like from like Wild Wild West with Bill Smith and [expletive]. And it straps around him, but it puts a little megaphone in front of him. There we go. How do I sound now?

44:27Wow, I didn't know that's what your actual voice sounded like when amplified.

44:32Yeah, come to find out I am uh pretty adequate about things. So what are we doing here at this dinner? White Russian, glad to see you.

44:38Yes. I could not be more pleased to see you, Joey Tito's. It was a pleasure bringing you down from four toes to three last we met.

44:47He takes off his boot and sticks his foot up on the table and there's only three toes. Yeah, would you look at that? Turns out I can wear a smaller shoe now. You really helped me a lot. Italian leather is pretty expensive, so now I downsized.

From 45:00

45:04This is gonna be such hard.

45:06Okay. Your feet are even more manicured than I think white Russians is. How impressive.

45:15Well, with a name like three toes, you gotta take care of all three of them toes. You don't know what's gonna happen. Nobody wants a Joey Two toes on the hands.

45:21That indeed.

45:22Ding dong. Ah, who could that be? I'm trying to get to know everybody and do everything. Okay, here we go. La la la la la la.

45:29Uh so next up, you open the door, and at your eye level, you don't see anybody, it's just the street. Oh, kind of weird.

45:37Hmm.

45:38Uh hey, uh d down here. Down here. Hey. Who's there? Wait, why are you yelling? Down, just look down. Look down.

45:45Hold on, let me open the door all the way. I was looking out a crack. Hello! Oh, hey down there. Who are you?

45:54Vinny, Dracula's cousin. I'm in a wheelchair, so you know, it would be nice if you could help me. I don't know why you picked a non-accessible location for this dinner, but it would be great if you could help wheel me in.

46:05How'd you get that chair up those stairs?

46:08Uh it's a long story. Kind of ironic, actually. Uh my cousin Dracula, kind of a big deal, uh, you know, kind of rolled down, you know, fell down the stairs in his wheelchair, collapsed on top of me, died, twisted my legs in the seven different directions, and now I am actually, you know, kind of wheelchair bound. Not great, but uh really opened up, you know, my other senses and you know, my business acumen, and and now I actually have a bigger role in Dracula's organization than ever.

46:34The entire time you're talking, all I can think about is how are we going to get something on those wheels so you don't leave skid marks all over my floor.

46:42Hey, you look really familiar.

46:44Nope, come on inside. There you go, I'll push you.

46:48You like wheel him backwards, like so he's like facing another way, and you're like pulling him in from the back so he can't like look at you.

46:54Yeah, la la la la la, definitely no, and you know. Oh look, there's the table. I'll push you right next here to this mobster guy and that white Russian lady who's not white or Russian, I don't think. And uh the bingo. Hey bingo, look, here's another guest.

47:07Uh Jacoba's cousin Vinny. We could just call you Vinny, but it's better to say Jacobita's cousin. Hey, uh, thanks for inviting me. Really appreciate having seat at the table. I plan to not let anything stand in our way of doing good business tonight.

47:20Oh hey there, Vinny. Glad to see you brought your own seat to the table.

47:23Uh, Joey Three Toes, formerly Joey Fourtoes. How is it going?

47:27Uh, it's going pretty good, you know. I just got done telling the story about how I'm saving a lot of money on my footwear now that I'm wearing a slimmer size.

47:35Zvinny, how have you been? I have not seen you since you were standing on your own two feet. Yeah, it's uh been a while, but I've actually been quite busy. Once your boss dies on you and then comes back to life, you really earn a lot of respect, and uh, you know, I just keep getting more and more involved in the organization. It's pretty great. That sounds terrible.

47:55That happened to me once, not to interject your guys' conversation.

47:59I'm here too. Bingo interjects. Yes, yes, thank you, Van Helsing. I think there's still uh a place, one more place sitting you need to set up for our last guest, uh, if you will. Ding dong.

48:09Ah [expletive], okay. Man, these guys sure are punctual. It's like they waited around the corner for the a proper introduction, and then one by one they're like, okay, introduction should be done. I guess I'll go ring the doorbell. But either way, I'll go I'll go check it out. Who are you talking to, my child? I'm unlogging, I'm sorry. It's you know, it's like those people that can hear my thoughts, but they can't, so I speak out loud. I'm gonna get the door.

48:34He's not listening to you, he's just talking with you, I guess.

48:38Son of a [expletive]. Belmont would always listen to me. Alright, open up the door, and there's a seven foot tall guy with long black flowing hair, very large sunglasses, a cowboy hat, bandana, and then I look him up and down like Hello there, you must be Brutus the Brute.

48:58Oh yeah, it's me, Brutus, and I'm over here to get in this house.

49:03Yeah Alright, that's kind of intimidating. Where's the head of the house, brother? Yeah Oh my god, you are super annoying. I don't know who agreed to do you like this or invite you to the house, but come on, let's go set you down. I don't sit anywhere, brother. I stand with my own two feet on these ground right here, and it is firm, brother.

49:30Is that Macho Man Randy? I mean Brutus the Brute I hear. Oh yeah. Uh brother, take a seat. Take a seat.

49:40Yeah, it kinda sounds like the Kool-Aid guy sometimes too, but whatever. Go sit down. He's all sweaty and gross. Looks like he covered himself with baby oil before he came in here. It's disgusting. I don't know who comes to a dinner party looking like that.

49:53Zidez help keep his monologuing. Uh he clearly has not made me drink correctly. Uh nobody else has been offered drinks. I do not understand his purpose in the dinner. And Bingo immediately jumps in. Oh, uh, he you he's uh a new tradee, and uh we're a little short-staffed uh lately, but uh I'm sure he will get up to speed very quickly, won't you? Uh Van Gergenberger.

From 50:00

50:18Oh, that's me. That's what it says on an extremely long name tag. Um, okay. You already have a delicious white Russian, which I'm not gonna lie to you, I didn't really know how to make, but that's the best I can do, so that's what you're going to be getting all night. So enjoy that. And who's next? Um, Vinny, what would you like? Blood. Yes, Vinny. Go ahead. Yes, blood. Blood. Um what type do you prefer? A, A B, A positive, B negative, O?

50:46I mean I'll take O positive if we're that basic. O negative is kind of where it's at, though.

50:51I will check the fridge. Alright, Vinny wants O blood. Pfff we don't have that. Joey, what do you want? Um, I'll take uh uh martini with uh three olives. That'd be great. Oh yes, I didn't see that coming. You want three [expletive] olives to go with your three [expletive] toes. This is smiling. He's taking down the order. Yes, yes. Okay, who's next? Uh you there, Brutus. Let me guess. You want a whole barrel of grog.

51:25Oh yeah.

51:26Like, alright, yeah, fair enough. All right. Bingo, can I get you anything? And if there's anybody, I forgot.

51:33No, I'm currently in a fast, uh, but thank you very much, Van Bergenberger.

51:38Alright, well, I'll get this order in, and the maid will be bringing the drinks back out. I am going to retire for the evening.

51:47Vinny kinda is in like, mm, this place doesn't look like a maid takes care of it. Uh you really must be short staff, bingo. Yes, uh, unfortunately, in my absence, the estate has not been taken care of, but I assure you there's still quite a few valuable people here. Just not serving dinner this evening. Hey! I'm trying my best. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You are an excellent minimum wage employee, my but my child.

52:15Thank you. I do do the minimum amount of work for a wage. Alright, Cheerio, and whatnot. See you guys later, I guess. And then he uh runs upstairs and goes and puts on his uh different outfit.

52:27So Bingo addresses tonight esteemed guests and criminal masterminds of Gersher Berger. I have brought you here for a proposal. A very enticing business proposal. But as is custom, at first it would be great to share communion, entertainment, and bond with each other before we indulge on perhaps one of the greatest ventures of all time.

52:53Here hear to that, boy. Here hear to that. I'll I'll drink to that as soon as I get that drink.

52:58You picked my attention, and Joey Those, you can have my drink, it is disgusting, just like you.

53:04Well, thank you, pal, but uh I'm afraid Oh wait, there's three ice cubes in it. I could drink that, thank you.

53:13So was that maid coming with blood? Uh or you know not? Bertus, I don't really know you, but you're really tall, and this is hurting my neck to stare at you, so hey.

53:27Oh hey there. It's like when you look at me, you're looking at an Adonis, brother.

53:31Like this is chiseled marble, and you are just staring down a Greek god.

53:38Okay. And with that, Bingo says, he like picks up a bell. Enter ding ding ding ding ding.

53:45Running down the stairs is Van Helsing in a maid outfit.

53:50Oh my god, what is that? Vinnie says.

53:53Oh hello! It's just me. I am Greta, and I am here to get your drinks. Don't mind my facial hair. Bingo found me at a circus. I'm a bearded lady. It's easy.

54:09Yes, we have many of Zoos in that country. They don't usually serve drinks, they're usually in a cage with we throw vegetables at.

54:17Well, how nice is that? I will put on a little hairnet over my mustache and I will be right back with those drinks. Here we go.

54:25Excellent. Now while we wait for drinks, I must tell you that we are here at the behest of Dracula, and we are doing his good work and just making sure that everybody is still correctly aligned with our Lord and Savior Dracula. Vinny, obviously, I think that's not out of question. White Russian. Yes, uh, reluctantly we still support his cause as he agrees to uh control the trade routes that are needed for the Soviet sisters. That's her group, the the Soviet sisters. I like it. Uh, how about you, Joey Three Toes and Brutus? Are you still loyal to his lord and saviour Dracula?

From 55:00

55:02Well, I can't speak for Brutus, but as far as Joey Three Toes and the Three Toe Three Thing Slingers, we are definitely behind Dracula. And we think he's one cool cat, and we are willing to follow him into battle.

55:15Did you pre-think of the three-toe three thing slingers?

55:19No, I made that up.

55:21That's hilarious. It's amazing. How do you just come up with that? I can't even come up with a single name for a city. And you Anywho, whatever. Excellent. And you, Brutus?

55:33Oh yeah, brother.

55:34Brutus here, coming in loud and clear, and this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, brother. Me and the turnbuckle teddies are gonna be all over whatever Dracula wants, brother.

55:45Oh yeah. Whatever that means, excellent. Well, very good. Ah, and here are the drinks, as you guys are quite parched, I'm sure, from your long journeys.

55:55Here we go. Vinny, there was no blood really. So I found a rat and I squished it, and I wrung it out into a cup. That's what you have. I don't know what kind of type they have or what have you. There it's blood in a cup. And um sorry there, Joey. We only had two olives for your martini. Those I do know how to make, but only two olives. I apologize dearly.

56:25You're gonna offer me this? How dare you?

56:30My uh I'm so sorry, Joey. Uh the maid is gifted, as I'm sure you can tell. Just please be very, very kind to her, and it's okay. We can divide if we cut each olive into three, and then put two-thirds of each olive in three sectors of the uh martini. I'm sure that would do just fine, wouldn't it? And he gives a very sinister look.

56:53Yeah, you know what? Yeah, uh you're right there, bingo. I'm sorry I seem to have lost it there for a second. Um it's not your fault, obviously, that this three-toed sloth was coming in here meandering all over the place and uh misplaced my drink. Uh you're right. I'm gonna I'm gonna act uh on the straight and narrow right now. I'm sorry about that, bingo. No, no, no, no need to offend.

57:12I've not seen Joey Tuitos that riled since I cut off his photo. Also, does the mid also have tuitos? I am struggling to track.

57:21Oh no, sorry. That's a Vienna sausage that was wedged in my heels. It is quite disgusting and gross. I don't know how it fell in there. Um sorry about that. It's just sticking up out of the that's kinda that's embarrassing.

57:36Then he like swirls his glass, which has like blood and like very clearly remains of a dead rat, and like, hmm, good yeah. Smells like the black plague. Very good. Shichuri is a gift. Then he like smiles at Van Helsing, like seductively.

57:50Yeah, you're welcome. I have an affinity for rats, you know. I can pick out some good ones. Like, you know how some people pick out good oranges or watermelons at the grocery store. I can find me a good rat.

58:02Go get us appetizers, please.

58:04Oh, yeah, sorry. Uh he just throws the grog to uh Bruce the Brute. Catch. Uh, good reflexes. Alright, be right back. Getting appetizers. Pienna sausages, come to find out, are not gonna be on the menu. I dropped a whole can of them. Uh, either way, you guys won't be disappointed. Be right back.

58:23Now uh quickly, we must do some bit of inventory. How many strong are each of your factions still? Let me tell you something, brother.

58:31Me and the turnbuckle teddies are approximately 50 teddies deep, brother. And this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, you'll find out what the power is.

58:44The power is 50 steroided muscle brews. I am not particularly worried. The Soviet sisters are 400 strong and all unmarried. They are far superior to the Sunday school brats that Brutus has, and whatever Joey Three Toes is currently leading.

59:02I'm afraid uh what the White Russian is trying to say is that she has a bunch of big dames that are completely unfuckable underneath her wing. The three-toed thingslingers are all about the rage. There's approximately three thousand three hundred and thirty-three of us, approximately. And let me tell you, every single one of them has only three toes on their right foot.

59:25So Vinny's like, so what happened before before the White Russian cut off your fourth toe? Were you four thousand four hundred and forty-four strong? And did they all have four toes, and then you had to cut all of their toes off?

59:37Let's just say I had to eliminate one thousand one hundred and eleven people.

59:44I like your style, and that is why you have a seat at the table, Joey Three Toes.

59:49Oh, thank you, boss. Thank you, thank you. I'm doing my best to keep my uh attitude in check, and I hope you can uh realize that the three toe three singles are here for you and for Dracula, one cool cat.

From 60:00

60:02Yes, I absolutely think they will be very welcome to joining forces when I make my proposal this evening. Van Bergenberger and rings the bell.

60:11I'm coming, coming. Sorry, I went outside to find some fresh pickles, you know, because they're in a jar out there, but really all I found was 1,111 cut-off pinky toes, and it was really disgusting. I don't know where they came from, as a big drum had a big red ribbon on it.

60:28Joey, what did I tell you about storing that stuff here? This is my height out, not yours.

60:34Ah, I didn't mean nothing from it, boss. I just meant to drop you off a little gift is all show you how dedicated we are, the three-toed three things slingers for this cause. You know, we're a big outfit here on Hugger Sharpurger Furger Sherburger, and uh we're here for you. Alright, anyways, that now that you're done kissing, no pickles, so here are an assortment of cheeses, some blackberries. Oh blackberries, they take me back. Did I ever tell you that one time there was a blackberry bush that went on for miles?

61:06Yes, thank you then, Bergenbergen. Uh we we are good here. Just place down what you have, and it's like a very disproportionate amount. It's like a slice of cheese and then multiple bowls of blackberries.

61:19I want to say it's really sweaty. Like it's been sitting out for a couple hours. It's discolored.

61:27The cheese or Van Bergen, Van Helsing. Both at this point. Now that brings me to a very important topic, all of you. Each of you, as required by Dracula, were required to bring a tribute this evening to demonstrate your leadership and the superiority you have over your group. As Joey Three Toes has already proven, his clan cut off their toes. What do you have for me, White Russian, Vinny and Bootus? Uh, as Dracula's cousin, uh, I bring you Dracula's word, bingo. If you fulfil your duties this evening, then you will get everything you need from Dracula's forces, which are far more than 333, far more than the 50 Sunday, Sunday, Sunday school girls, and the Soviet sisters, whatever that is. The Soviet sisters are 500 strong, and they should not be under uh estimated.

61:27Uh the Soviet sisters, the abatu the ceremonial eye patch won by the leader, Femme Fatale, of our group. I usually bet, but I actually have both eyes, and it is actually causing a lack of vision in the other eye and a lazy eye. So here is our tribute for this evening.

62:39Bingo, can I have that eye patch for things?

62:43You may hold on to it for now. Excellent. And he puts it on. Brutus, what did you bring me this evening?

62:52Oh, sorry about that, brother. I didn't uh realize I was that kind of party. All I brought was these rippling, bulging muscles.

63:02Oh, that's quite unfortunate. And then immediately he pulls out Bingo takes out a tomahawk and just throws it at him, and it like, I don't know, where do you want it to hit him?

63:12Oh, just right in the forehead. Like sticks. Slow motion, and then his head hits the table, driving it further into his forehead.

63:23But then I imagine after that, he lifts his head back up and he's like, Man, brother, that really hurt.

63:30Good thing there's a lot of space in there, brother, and I got some of the biggest forehead muscles in the game.

63:35I imagine he flexes and it pushes the top out of his forehead.

63:40–63:47[Editorial omission.]

63:47Do not make me have to correct you again, Brutus. What tribute will you be bringing me?

63:54Let me think about it, brother. Oh yeah. How about fifty gold world championship wrestling belts?

64:05If that will earn the respect of your faction, then I humbly accept.

64:10Awesome, I can't wait to tell 'em. We're gonna go get oiled up and wrestle each other right after this meeting. No yeah.

64:20You should probably bendage that to keeping holding your head up before something fills up that space in your head.

64:26It'll heal up, I'm used to it. We got this new fellow, his name's Bane, but he loves the venom. That's his that's his shtick.

64:33Venom addiction is very similar to the addiction to blood that us vampires have. You can't stop putting it in your mouth, and once it exits someone's body and into your body, you feel overwhelmed with pleasure and ecstasy.

64:45Oh yeah, brother. More like can't stop, won't stop. You know what I'm saying? This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, from the top of a ladder, going down through a table, in a table's ladders and chairs match.

64:57Very good. Now, for our main course this evening, uh, delicacy soup that we acquired from rare merchants in town. You will be quite, quite pleased.

From 65:00

65:09Are you talking about the one with the kick?

65:11Yes. The spicy soup for our guests.

65:15Yes, okay. Yes, that's what that's yes, okay. Very well. Um there's not a lot of bowls. Would it be better if I just put it in my hands?

65:26Make it make sense, Van Hergenberger. And he gives you a very like intense stare.

65:31Sh god, alright. Sorry. Um, okay. Usually Belmont puts up with my shenanigans, but not this [expletive], piece of [expletive].

65:38As you're like grumbling out, Vinny says, Oh, uh, sexy maid attendant, Van Bergenberger, whatever.

65:45Yes.

65:45Could you please provide me a straw with my soup?

65:49Okay. That's kind of weird. I don't think hugger burger shaverger sugar burgers in the state of California, so I'll bring you a plastic straw. How's that sound?

65:58I mean, if you want to serve it to me, that would be delicious.

66:01Fine, I'll feed it to you, you weirdo. Let me go get the bowls.

66:05So while that's happening, um By the way, Russian interjects. Bingo uh Z. I think we should get it right down to business. The Soviet sisters are very busy. And while we respect your gathering of the forces tonight, we must know what is your proposal.

66:21Yeah, brother, what are you thinking of bringing to the turnbuckle teddies?

66:25Even Dracula is curious. Bingo, what do you plan to bring today? Well, esteemed guests, I have for you quite the proposal that will bring all of our groups together and let them all enjoy the fruits of crime all at once. But it would be very, very rude of me to do so before our main course and some entertainment. And as that comes out, you come then van Hergenberger comes. Why do I keep saying his code name when I'm not even talking about it? Van Helsing comes out with some soup.

66:57In the uh belly dancer outfit now. Yes, exactly.

67:02La la la la la la la la la la la la bull for you, bull for you, bull for you.

67:10I'll be back to feed you. And bull for you, bingo bingo, bongo. Um, here we go, Vinny, open up. Ah, here comes the airplane. You [expletive] creepy vampire. All you vampires are always creepy. Like Nosferatsu was so creepy. Stick it as Vinny, get your finger out of my mouth. I'm trying to feed you.

67:27I can't help myself. You look just like your sister, that maid. Where did she go?

67:31We're twins. You know, those good. It's a it's a family name. We come from the mean streets of Kershaburger Sugar Burger.

67:40It must have been tough growing up on the streets of Hergersburger Burger.

67:44It was because 90% of these kids have the same last name in town. Could you imagine roll call in school for that? Like, is Billy Hurling Sugar Ferguson Burger here? You know, or graduation. Like you had to go through so many Hershenberger Sherberger Burgers just to get to your name, you know? Like uh Adam Herzberger was so lucky his name started with an A.

68:06And Herzenberger, can you please? I believe it is time for the performance that you have prepared.

68:12Oh, quite right. Hold on. Yes, let me stuff more of the soup down Vinny's throat. Duh duh. He's dousing him. Like a priest. Like an exorcism. The power of the soup compels you, Vinny.

68:27Compels me to uh and love you.

68:30Alright, here I go. Alright, I do a cartwheel. Ooh, I've got to limber up a little bit. Pull out my wedge. Oh, it's called for wedgie. Alright, hit it. There's some symbols by themselves over. I didn't know who was gonna play them, but I just said hit it. They're just sitting there.

68:55And everybody has your full attention.

68:59Alright, here we go. Twerk it, let me work it. Yes. Drop down and reverse it. Something like that. I don't know. I feel silly up here. Bingo.

69:10Now, as you can see, embarrassment and failure is something we don't tolerate. Van Hesenberger, you're fired. Please exit the premise immediately.

69:22Are you serious? I just got into this outfit.

69:26You are a worker, not fit to entertain, seduce, or even feed this vampire cousin lord some soup. Get out right now. We have no further use for you, Van Hergenberger.

69:39I'm leaving!

69:40As you walk by, Vinny like slides you a piece of paper where there's like um it's a picture of where the castle is and a map.

69:47The name of his raven to call for a letter.

69:50Something.

69:52Oh, I am not taking this, you pervert, as I'm folding it up and putting it in my cleavage. Giving him a wink back.

69:59And then uh bingo stares at you sternly again, and you get the picture and you go outside. So as you're outside, uh you're kind of like moping, you start moglonging about how like how hard you work to prepare that meal and how you were really excited to kind of like state the stage for bingo for a sec. And as you do that, you hear some um some guy like running towards your direction. He's like, Joey, Joey, I need to get a hold of Joey. It's a trap. It's the whole thing's a trap. I gotta talk to Joey.

From 70:00

70:27What's a trap? There's no trap. There's a mouse trap, but I already caught a mouse. But you see, I have my mouse traps set up in a way that they won't trap rats.

70:36There's no time. I gotta stop him before Bingo is gonna kill them all. I gotta, excuse me. And he tries to like push past you to get into the building.

70:43Come here, fella. I have some information for you. Oh.

70:46Sucker punch. And he loses balance because he only has three toes, and so he doesn't, you know, have that kind of planter friction going on down there, and he like rolls down the stairs, and um from inside you can actually hear uh the uh white Russian say, Zot was that? Did you hear that?

71:05It was just a big rat out here, nothing to worry about. I'm stepping on rats. I actually don't know why I'm here. I got kicked out. I'm leaving now. I was just dropping off the mail key.

71:15And with that, it cuts back inside, and everybody's had their soup. Esteemed guest of the evening. The plan is that all forces, all of your factions, will immediately, as of tonight, stop working for you and report to me as the ambassador to Dracula.

71:32Never, brother.

71:35That sounds preposterous. I agree with the brute. The Soviet sisters will never follow a man, let alone a Dracula man. We work in collaboration, but Z will not work for you, Bingo, you are out of line.

71:49That would never jive for us there, friend. Um I'm afraid you have too many toes on your right foot.

71:54Oh yes, I I suppose I I do, don't I? Then a toast. Please, whatever beverage you were served, if you even have one, raise your glass, and I will rescind my offer if that is what you so choose.

72:07Yeah, I think that's not gonna fly here, friend, but I will still drink to you because that is what civilized people do. Brutus, please drink with us.

72:16The Soviet sister refuses to pick up her glass, and Vinny grabs his blood, and Bingo says To mutual respect and understanding that one way or another I will get exactly what I want. And he drinks, and Brutus and Joey Dutos do actually start to drink before they're like, wait. Um and then they both spit out the drink immediately, and then they both kind of like Brutus did the first time, drop their head, slam onto the table. Bingo looks over at the Soviet sister and she's like, I am not that stupid since I would fall for a poison toast just because I would refuse to give you access to the Soviet sisters. Van Helsing, come back in.

72:55Alright, here I come. La la la la unlock the door, dragging the body of the three-toed drug gang member.

73:03Van Helsing, could you remind me the poison that we put in in this night's dinner? Was it in the the wine or the drinks?

73:12No, I'm afraid not. You handed me the poison. It was labeled poison, and then over that label was another label that said kick, as opposed to not confuse me. So that's definitely in the soup, along with some oregano and chili powder, and some freshly ground cayenne.

73:33And you start hearing like coughing from the Zusovia sister, and she starts choking. Soup, how's good you?

73:39Well, it was quite delicious, wasn't it? It had white pepper and black pepper, multiple kinds of peppers.

73:44And at the same time, she like again, head drops, passes out, and Bingo looks over to Vinny. Me good, bingo. As a vampire, I am not affected by this poison, and I am quite impressed. So tell me, what is your real plan here tonight? As I proposed, I will consolidate these three factions, the Soviet sisters, the three toad Thingslingers. Thingslingers, and the Sunday Sunday Sunday Turnbuckle Teddies Turnbuckled Teddies under one faction under Dracula's flag. And while you, the vampires, have vulnerability at night, your day faction, or your day militia, will protect you, the castle, and your vampire demon warriors. We will help serve you in the day, and Dracula will rule the night as he always intended.

74:31And we will be known as the Cats. Name is pending.

74:36Vinny looks you up and down, and he's like, You are so dumb, but I'm so attracted to you. I just looks like you're sitting on a secret, if you know what I mean.

74:46No, that's just that can of Vienna sausages from earlier. They get stuffed in all kinds of crevices. It's really disgusting, obviously. Like I don't even know who really eats those things.

74:55Vinny, I implore you to go back to Dracula. Let him know that I have taken over and what our plan is. I have the eye patch of leadership from the Soviet sisters. Bunch of, I guess, gold wrestling belts that should probably help me sway those idiot, Brutus controls, and then lastly, the three-toed thing slingers. Well, we have their fourth toe, so I guess that will be helpful. I what happened to their fifth toes? I I really have to know.

From 75:00

75:23I guess we'll never know. Cause he's dead. I could wake up this guy that I knocked unconscious and ask him if you wanted me to.

75:32No, that's fine. We'll we'll feed him some soup as well. He knows too much.

75:37Alright. He gets right to it.

75:39And with that, Vinny turns into a bat, but still has his head. He like only like partially like transmors. And he like flies over to uh Van Hilsing, and he's just sort of like still doesn't recognize him at all. And he's like, when you're looking for a 3 a.m. friend, hit me up.

75:57Yes, I saw the note. If I'm hurting for a squirt and flash for Vinny, I get it.

76:02He's like at a girl. And he like flies close to your face, licks your like cheek, and then flies away.

76:07God, I should have put holy water in that [expletive] soup. Vampires are disgusting.

76:13No, it's better you didn't, Ven Hilsing. Vinny is unfortunately our liaison between us and Dracula, and we must stay on good terms, even though I don't like him very much either. Enough said, I think we have something going with you seducing him like that. Very good, excellent craftsmanship and strategy.

76:32Well it was really gross, because you know how people in wheelchairs often wear blankets on their laps, but you could obviously tell it was a very thin blanket, and he didn't have any pants on underneath, and his raging boner was looking at me the entire time. It was disgusting.

76:48I know, my boy, I know. And he comes up and he's like, and I know if you need to fall on a dagger, if you get what I'm saying, that when that time comes you will do so honorably for you and for me.

76:59Please stab me with a real dagger before I have to fall on that.

77:05The good news is we do not plan to totally abide by what I propose tonight. We are not Dracula's puppets, but we do need to keep up the illusion, as you know. Okay?

77:16Yes. Some trickery.

77:19I may have said some harsh things tonight, but I had to earn, you know, street cred on the Hergesberger streets to make them respect me.

77:26And so You called me a piggy. It's hurtful.

77:30In my culture we respect pigs.

77:33Like the Indians with cows.

77:35Yes, but in your case you're just overweight, and I need you to do things for me.

77:40Fair enough.

77:42Anywho, uh, please clean up this dinner now, and I must go. I have a few more things in my chambers to attend to.

77:49Alright. I might need help lifting that muscular one. He looks kind of buff, but I'll figure I'll figure it out.

77:56I'm sure you can, and as he does so he goes off into some other room in his hideout.

78:00Hmm, there's got to be a way that I can get a note to Belmont and tell him that I'm safe and sound. We didn't go to Chilt. The coin flipped the other way. And I gotta tell him what the Swami's plans are. There's got to be something here, something around.

78:18And just then Joey Three Toes like rolls over, he's like, What are you monologuing to?

78:25Oh, you're still awake. How do I get a message out of the city to somebody special? Secretly.

78:32Use the the three-pronged password with the three-toes, and they'll do what you need.

78:41What's the password? Oh my god, he died. Alright, look for a password on his body. Why would he keep it on his body unless he tattoos it on himself like I do with important messages that I need?

78:51Crummions? What was the one from the other episode? Mummyans. It was mummions.

78:57Yes, mummians here in Hoshergership.

79:01While all this is happening, while Van Helsing is like trying to ponder this stuff, Bingo goes into uh a room, then he closes the door and uses some kind of like old-fashioned deadbolt thing, and then listens for a moment, hears you monologuing, and then walks over to a portrait, lifts it open, pulls a lever, and it opens this like door that shows a stairway down into the basement. It's been a long time since I've seen my guest of honor. Let me go down and greet him. And he starts uh heading down the stairs.

79:30At this point, Van Helsing is just pushing the dead bodies out to the front stoop and just leaving them out there for now.

79:39You'd be surprised how often that happens in in Groscherberger. It's uh it's a tough city.

79:44This is actually uh Martin Luther King Buscherberger Boulevard. It's very rough in this area.

79:51Anywho, while that's going on, Bingo heads downstairs. Uh, we'll just say he had a torch on him for convenience, and he lights the torches in the stairwell and then gets to this bottom room, and it's very musty. Clearly, no one's been down here for the entire probably two decades that he was trapped down in the the Belmont's basement, and he lights the room and you see, or he sees a dark-skinned indigenous person restrained. And it is none other than Tobazchini.

From 80:00

80:20Oh, okay.

80:21Tobazacini, it is very good to see you again.

80:26How'd you get down here, bingo?

80:28That's his voice, is our goal.

80:30Yes.

80:31Okay.

80:32For now I'll change it if we don't like it.

80:35Uh well, shortly after I captured you last time, I had a little bit of a detour and I run in with some dark magic Belmonts, and they sealed me in their manner for a very long time, but I was patient. I used the meditation skills that I learned from you and your brother, and I waited, and finally I am free and ready to finish what I started twenty years ago.

80:57You need to let me out of here, and where's my brother? I tell you you will get revenged on.

81:04Oh, I believe he will be here soon, but not to get revenge, my dear, Tabasquini. He knows I have his weapons, and he takes out uh he like opens his jacket and grabs a bunch of glowing arrows. To kill Dracula, he'll be looking for these. But little does he know that I'm looking for him. And once the two of you are together, I'll be able to resurrect the sun tower. Dracula can rule the night for all I care, but I will rule the day. And he does like a maniacal laugh. Right.

81:33I'll never let it happen.

81:35Never Hmm, you don't have a choice. And he laughs and then starts heading back up the stairs slowly.

81:43Are we still in Hurgers or Burgers or Burger?

81:47Alright, then we will end it there for tonight. And with the help of some very heavy editing, I think we'll get this into a somewhat concise, funny episode.

81:56Oh yeah, brother.

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82:19Yeah, just go to this episode.

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82:33Yes, I love it.

82:35Thank you so much for listening, and we will see you next week. Bye.