Flaw and Morder, Featuring Jacques Ze Whipper

From 0:00

0:15Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents the Daft Monks Podcast, a special episode. Hey Nate.

0:22Hey Nate. We are not alone. We're not. I don't mean, you know, in terms of one of your conspiracy theories or an expile reference. I mean we have a special guest on the show tonight.

0:31I'm just saying the truth is out there, man.

0:34We actually have a guest on today's show, the first of season two. Honestly, he's a pretty big deal. If you don't mind, Nate, I'd love to skip our usual [expletive] and just jump right into our intro and put our little journalist hats on. How's that sound?

0:45That's fine with me. Go ahead and talk to your new friend.

0:49Alright, let's do this. Tonight's guest is a true Renaissance man with professional careers in both radio and circus performing. He currently holds the Guinness World Record for most bull whip cracks in one minute, a record he has broken multiple times since 2016. In 2022, he appeared in America's Got Talent, where he split a dry piece of spaghetti between Simon Kyle's legs with his whip. A current TikTok sensation, he's essentially the real life Trevor Belmont and a DD nerd to boot. Nate, please give a warm Daphmunks welcome to Jack Le Pierre's, aka Jacques Whipper. [expletive]. Actually, though, that is your very first question. Six days ago, we saw, obviously, of course, we follow your streams, and you did your last read for WBUR. What's what's next, Jack?

1:38So uh right now it's it's full-time circus performing. I've got a few weeks off. Um then I head down to Florida for about a month, and then um I'll be down there until basically end of March, back here for most of April, uh early May, and then uh it is basically on the road for me from mid-late May all the way probably until about Thanksgiving.

1:57That's quite the schedule. And will that be from Renaissance Fair to Renaissance Fair, or do you have some other gigs lined up that you can talk about?

2:04Uh right now it's all Renaissance Fairs. I've got a couple of shows that might be outside of it, but it's gonna be Florida Renaissance Fair, New Jersey Ren Fair Fair, Colorado Ren Fest. It's a the the complicating thing is always are they a fair or are they a fest? And it I try to get them right, but I I I always default to fair because of uh King Richards Fair here in Massachusetts. I'll be doing that one. There's a Midsummer Renaissance Fair in Washington State. I'll be doing it in August. Um Maryland Renaissance Festival, and then uh I'm in talks with a couple of other shows. So don't want to jinx anything just yet.

2:36Fair enough, fair enough. Very exciting, though. That's that's great. Uh I grew up in New England, so I know you guys from, or I know you from King Richards Fair going back. I I won't even say the date because I would age both of us, frankly. But uh I had asked my mom for some photos, and she gave me a super high res of my mom, a super high res one with you and my sister, and then an incredibly low res photo of me standing 10 feet away uh holding your Fifi horn. Yes. Yes. Did I make you Fifi? Yep, yep. That went back. I don't know if that's still a bit anymore in your in your thing.

3:07Not every show, but I try to it's basically I have sort of like the cla uh the classic Jackson Whipper show and then the new show that I just uh put out last year.

3:18Nate is here from the kind of southwest of the country, so I don't think he's had a chance to see any of your shows, but uh the Fifi horn, Nate, is when um he kind of calls out somebody in the audience and then just kind of embarrasses them by making them honk a horn whenever he like calls out their name. Um it's it's pretty demeaning and hilarious for the entire audience.

3:36Yeah, it sounds great not to be the person on stage.

3:40I commend you for following your dreams, Jack. Did you ever think you would quit doing radio? Like if we go back even maybe five years ago.

3:47Well, it's it's been this weird sort of process where, you know, when I first came to BUR, I was 21 years old. I was still in college. I entered there before I got a job there. And it was this, you know, I at the time I was like, yeah, I'll probably go like I'll be here for a few months and then I'll go into circus performing. And then it was like every time I got a little more circus work, they they would give me, you know, either a promotion or or uh the opportunity to try different things. You know, it was this this constant like just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in. And it happened like three or four times.

3:47And it it really wasn't until, you know, the the TikTok kind of blew up for me in October of 2021 that I was like, okay, all right, let's let's see where this can go. And it's gotten to the point now where, I mean, if I were to stay at B U R, it it would have been um I mean I'd be I'd be leaving money on the table at this point and a lot of money. So it it just makes financial sense.

4:46Two careers, you know, like that's it's hard to be really great at one, to be exceptional at two. That just sounded not like a great work-life balance, I imagine.

4:54Well, it was really, I mean, I was doing like three jobs if you count the social media work too, because I mean, you guys know content creation is no joke. I think I mean, before I came on this, I spent about three hours working on editing YouTube stuff, cutting clips together for tomorrow. I mean, it's it's it's it really is a full-time job. It's not the hardest job in the world, but it is a job.

From 5:00

5:13Yeah, Nate does all that. I just make funny voices, so I can't imagine.

5:18Honestly, you you got it made, man. I think our closest to uh viral anything, and it's not really the case, but we we animated some clips from the show, and it had a little character that looked like have you played Among Us, those like little, I don't know, toe-looking things. We did one clip where we we kind of had characters uh Nate describes in in the podcast like a really funny looking person that happens to get animated out like an Among Us character, and then just like a cult of 13-year-olds liked this clip and just responded, sus, sus, which is what they say in the game. And that's uh that's it. I love it.

5:51It is crazy what goes viral sometimes that you like you don't expect at all. The the TikTok video I posted a couple of days ago of of me doing the frickin' Sephiroth theme song from Final Fantasy VII. I was like, okay, this is niche. It's a long TikTok clip, it's like 90 seconds long. I was like, this, I'll be lucky if this, you know, gets 300,000 views. No, no, no, no. Uh shot up to that amount in like half an hour.

6:16I was like, all right, don't underestimate the power of the nerds. My mom actually sent me that clip because I'm a big Final Fantasy person and she was like, yo, you're gonna love this. And while that you learned those lyrics, I think you said something like a decade ago.

6:29I remember, I distinctly remember I was sitting on my balcony at my old apartment. So it would have been somewhere, I would say, around 2013, 2014. Wow. And lucky for you, Final Fantasy VII remake came out and it had a reason to get requested. It's I mean, it still took like three years from the remake or two years from the remake, but you know what?

6:47We'll take we'll take what we can get. So, all right, I remember the days where you had multiple Facebook pages. You had like Jack the Whipper, Jacques the Whipper. I remember the like clips you would do and you put up your cash app. So after all that hard work, it's it's paid off. And do you think back sometimes like I made it? Like, do you do you feel that way, or do you still feel like you're in progress or so growing what you and your act is or your talent?

7:11Well, I I'm still in such a transition right now that I don't know kind of like where where I'm gonna settle. That I mean, like internet fame is is tenuous at best, which is why I'm I'm taking, you know, an aggressive performance schedule this year is probably more than I need, but I want to make sure that I'm working more than I need to rather than less than I need to. I think what what I really am excited for in the next couple of years is so for the last, you know, basically seven, radio has been my main focus, radio has been my job, and I wasn't even sure that I was gonna, you know, keep circus performing for much longer.

7:11So I didn't put a lot of effort into writing new material, making the show better, and you know, basically just bringing a better product. So now I have, you know, an extra 40 hours a week, yeah, really 45 if you count, you know, travel time and and errands and all that, where I can really just focus on being a better performer and bringing new things on stage. And I'm I'm really excited for that.

8:10That's amazing. And I hope I get to see it in the near future.

8:14Yes, sir.

8:14Do you think you're gonna take any different types of gigs now that you've, you know, your career has changed and you probably I'm sure you've made some connections. Do you see yourself still sticking with the Renaissance route or switching it up and trying some different stuff?

8:25I know you said maybe there's some stuff you can't talk about right now, but um, I I mean I would like to try out some theater work. My show, the way it's developed right now, though, is a Renaissance festival show. And I I'm not I don't think ever gonna say I'm too good for the Renaissance fair. So that's not, you know, I'm not actively trying to get out of it per se. Um that said, there are things you can do in a theater that you can't do in an outdoor festival. And that goes both ways. You know, we just did a theater show a few weeks ago where can't do fire indoors, so that, you know, it takes out the fire whip, so we have to come up with a different, different finale.

8:25So I am excited to try out different venues, but Renaissance Fairs, I think they're always gonna be kind of my bread and butter. What is the likelihood your show becomes a traveling bondage experience? Asking for a friend. The traveling bondage experience. I would say very little. I don't think my wife is gonna sign off on that. The other thing is it's it's this funny thing of like people see my act and I think they assume a lot of things. And I I actually I was recording a cameo for someone the other day. His girlfriend asked me to send him a Valentine's Day cameo saying, like, he has recently gotten into whips and floggers and and therefore he's become a big fan of you.

8:25And I said in this cameo, I'm like, well, you've got like the most vanilla man to ever wield a whip here right now. But listen, man, I would never kink shame. So you do you, man, uh, and and have lot have lots of fun. That's awesome.

9:47So I want to switch over and talk. You know, we are we call ourselves a DD podcast, but to be honest, we we kind of dropped the rolling a little bit because it kind of killed some of the organic fun we were having when we were role-playing and improv. But we still like to think of ourselves as a DD pod. So wanted to ask you, what's your experience with Dungeons and Dragons or tabletop or role-playing games?

From 10:00

10:07I had this really interesting experience where as a kid, I always really, really, really wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons. But uh being the circus kid, I didn't have any friends. So I didn't have anyone to play Dungeons and Dragons with. So I just played video games by myself, hence Final Fantasy. But the funny thing was is like I read the I think advanced DD, ADD players handbook probably like 15 times, usually while backstage at Renaissance fairs while my dad was working. So I was like, I knew like how to make character, I knew exactly like what kind of class I wanted to make, all this, and then you know, never got to play until I think right before the pandemic started, uh, we got new neighbors, one of whom was a DM.

10:07And I mentioned this all to her that I was like, I I want to play, you know, let's let's try it sometime. And so she put together a campaign. We did our first campaign, uh, went from I mean, she was very generous with the leveling, but we went all the way from level three to level 20 in about a year.

11:03Oh yeah.

11:05And then since then, we've done a few other campaigns. We kind of made it part way through Curse of Strahd and then got married, got married. Um, I one of our party members had a kid, so like that's kind of on indefinite hold, but we might we might get to do some of that.

11:23Well, Jack, I don't want to keep you too long. We we really brought you here for some ridiculous, messy, sloppy roleplay. Uh, so I hope you are up for the task. Absolutely. I'm so for it. Let's dive into the show.

11:38The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our odds are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.

11:56I wouldn't quite say lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not, for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.

12:13Awesome. Okay, so just a recap for both our listeners and for yourself, Daft Monks is kind of similar to your secret show, or so I've been told, where we do set a scenario and we set up a goal, um, and we do a little bit of narrative setup, but then after that, we just let the scene play out and roleplay as best as possible. So, sometime prior to this session, your character, Jack, writes a poem for a seemingly attractive young woman who, unbeknownst to you, happens to be one of Dracula's brides. It turns out, though, that that didn't quite jive with the big D, and shortly after you were captured by vampires and thrown into a cell where you await your trial in Dracula's court.

12:13So, Jack, please give us your character's name and just a brief description of what he looks like and what you're thinking right now.

12:54I think, um, well, you know, uh taking some inspiration from the Bard himself, I think my character's name is William Shakespeare, and he's known for especially suggestive poetry. Not exactly the tallest man, not exactly uh the most good-looking man, but he he what he what he lacks in, shall we say, appearance, he more than makes up with confidence that really shouldn't come from anywhere. Ooh, I like that a lot.

13:20Yeah, he's gonna fit right in. As you're kind of just uh in your cell, a vampire guard appears and he unlocks the cell and proceeds to escort you to another location. And he starts telling you that you've been assigned an attorney for your trial. He's the only one brave or stupid enough to take you take on Dracula's court, and his name is Abraham Van Helsing. I've heard that name once or twice. Yeah, yeah, he's the uh former monster hunter, and uh apparently he's just as bad at being a lawyer as he is at killing monsters. In fact, turns out he has absolutely no legal qualifications at all, bless his heart, which is probably why he's allowed to represent defendants in Dracula's court.

13:55How's his confidence level?

13:58Oh, you'll see. Very confident. You'll have about five minutes to prepare for your case, and then the trial's gonna begin. Good luck. You're gonna need it. And with that, he opens a door to a jab conference room in Dracula's castle and pushes you in, where you're confronted by a portly mustachio figure and some kind of secretarial assistant.

14:17Greetings, Bill, may I call you Bill? Shake a spear, pear, pickle. It it's it's Shake's pear.

14:25Pear. Emphasis on the pear, if you if you would.

14:29Very well, Bill. I see you don't mind me calling you Bill. We're gonna get along just fine. I will be defending you today in Dracula's court. Um Are you guilty? That's the first thing we just have to get out of the way right now. Like, W well, I mean, uh w w what what are the charges? Um, something about uh messaging a floozy and telling her that she looks really pretty and like you shouldn't have done that.

14:54Well, excuse me, excuse me. I would never call a woman a floozy. That just seems uh inappropriate. Uh you know, in all manners of of of of doing things. You know, I just simply complimented her. She had very nice teeth. I was just uh drawn in by those teeth.

From 15:00

15:07All right, I will take that as your guilty, and we'll move on to question number two. How do you think I should proceed with this?

15:17Well, uh uh you you're the lawyer, when isn't this your job to to determine uh exactly how we should proceed? I mean, uh oh w what would you recommend in a situation like this?

15:30Good answer, Bill. Good answer. Onward to question three. Uh let's say, like, worst case scenario. What would be like the worst thing you think could happen here? What is the worst case scenario in the is is it Death?

15:47Oh, just oh death? Oh like w what what sort of death are we talking about? Are we talking like uh slow and agonizing or just like a quick like need a snap of the neck with Dracula's super strength?

15:59Well, you know that thing like where they have like four horses and then they tie you to like the different horses and then they tell them to go different ways. So imagine that, but like worse. I I uh I'd rather not, but I I I suppose I shall. Alright. Now I've been studying intently over the past five minutes, so I feel rather confident that I can win us this case.

16:21Oh, you have confidence as well. Well that then you will that we'll be just the best of friends. Um so um uh what what is our strategy in this then? Beg for forgiveness. Oh, go ahead.

16:32The paralegal jumps in. Uh may I suggest, Van Helsing, there is perhaps a small sliver of hope if uh we go with the following uh argument. Based on the precedent set in Chaucer versus 10th grade English, it was established that if an author were to be cancelled by society, none of their works can be admissible. So if we cancel Mr. Bill Shakespeare and thus render his poem inadmissible, the whole case becomes hearsay.

16:56Right. But let me tell you what I really think about Hogwarts' legacy. I would like to express all of my deepest thoughts about that and about JK Rowling right now.

17:07Cancelled, it's over before the case even started.

17:11Let me tell you what I think about the elves in Rings of Power as well. How dare they have short hair?

17:17Calm down, McNibbles, calm down as uh Van Helsing starts patting his right pectoral area. There's a large pocket and you see something squirming around a little bit inside there. McNibbles now, you calm down, sir. Now, Bill I believe we do have a solid foundation for this case. I am ready to proceed whenever you are. Paralegal, do you agree that we're ready for this? I mean look at Bill, he's obviously innocent.

17:44Yeah, uh well, we've had worse cases, so can't be that bad, right?

17:49And we lost them.

17:51I I was about to say, what what is your record uh in in in the court of the big D, as as I understand he's he's called?

17:58Actually on paper about O and eleven, but in my heart.

18:03Eleven and O. Well well, twelve times the job, is is what they always say.

18:08Yes, I knew I'd like you, Bill.

18:10And just then uh the door opens up and that same uh vampire guard comes in. He's like, Alright, your case is ready. I'll escort you both uh onto the courtroom. Vampire guard, what m what nice teeth you have. I could ride sonnets about that. That's what got you here in the first place. I don't advise that. Oh.

18:26See, you'll do it to anybody.

18:30Uh so as we walk into the courtroom, you see, I kind of imagine this is both a courtroom and Dracula's court, like a castle court, and it's just like a multi-purpose kind of both happening. You got nobles standing around, but then there's also like the whole like jury stand and bench and whatnot. You look over, and where the judge's area would be, you see, you know, a vampire wearing the whole like wig getup with his gavel, and then you see another gentleman in all white and a cowboy hat with vampire fangs and red eyes. And he essentially looks like the KFC colonel, but uh a vampire form. And you can kind of hear them like they're just bantering together. The eternity is like, you don't look a day over 400, Yada. What's your secret?

18:30And they're just laughing and giggling together. He looks finger-licking good.

19:18Well, damn, I've lost this guy 11 times in a row. They keep bringing him back. He's the bane of my existence.

19:28Doesn't he have any any source of weaknesses? Can't we we bait him with the the smell of a of a of a freshly cooked? Oh, I suppose they don't eat, do they?

19:38No, he keeps all eleven herbs and spices a secret. I can't get through to him. Dastardly man.

19:44And then, yeah, the judge interrupts. You guys approach the bench and he's like, uh Alright for the dishonorable Judge Judge. What what was that name again? Judge O D.

19:55Oh, oh my. Are you relating to the sheriff's service of the uh of of Westminster?

From 20:00

20:00Now there'll be order in the court here. Um my name is Judge. And um let's go ahead and commence. Now, starting uh speeches, prosecution, you may go first and then defense.

20:14Your Honor, the jury, and the good people of Dracula's court. I'm here to show you today that there is nothing stopping such a mindless creature from hitting on any of your husbands and wives, let alone a bride of Dracula. This Bill Shakespeare, as he calls himself, must be castrated and serve a lifetime sentence of sexual education under the surveillance of the court. And then he goes back and returns to his bench.

20:39Now it's my turn. If I'm going to be a hundred percent honest, I only caught about half of what he said. It's all poppycock. First of all, my client's name is William, not Bill. Only I can call him Bill. He's my best friend. So obviously we're talking about the wrong person. He's innocent. Arrest my case. Well done, well done.

21:00I have I have I have great confidence that'll go well. Thanks, Bill. I got you. Abe.

21:06Your Honor, may I approach the bench? Oh yes, yes, you may. And uh the whole KFC vampire guy goes up to the judge and he uh kind of looks up, Van Helsing up and down, he says, Well, that man is a clearly lying, clear as day. You can see his fingers are crossed and held behind his back. How can we trust a man who can't even uncross his fingers during an opening statement?

21:29Now I understand completely where you're coming from, considering we're from the same region. But we have some high nobles here today and they're looking for a good show, so do your best to try to make these human fellas look like fools out here. We're putting on a show, not put on a show. It's gonna be guilty, I guarantee it, unless for some reason, one way or another, it can prove otherwise. Oh, you're gonna make me aren't it today, aren't you, Judge?

21:54All right then. Oh yeah, you scantering it back now. He like pulls up his waistband and mosey's back over to his bench.

22:02Abraham? Yes, Bill. Do they do they do they have like the letter that that I wrote? Do they like do they actually have all of this evidence?

22:11That's a good point. I shall bring that up. Your eyes. Anna, I believe we need to see the evidence. Where is this poem or sonnet or letter or napkin that was at a bar with some quill marks? Where is the evidence stating that my client William, not Bill, only I call him Bill, wrote down these actually rather nice things about Dracula's wife that anybody would really say, but he's in trouble. Anyway, where's the evidence?

22:41Your Honor, if I may point to exhibit A, we have the napkins and the poetry written by one William Shakespeare. In fact, uh, if I may call to the stand, William, uh let's let's have a little discussion about your poem, shall we? Well, I'm I'm of course perfectly innocent, so of course, yes, uh uh yes, but of course.

23:00Objection! We need to put more emphasis on the pair in Shakespeare.

23:06That's that's my lawyer right there. That's why I hired him. Yes. Stunned into silence, I see.

23:13Frozen in time. Let's see who's silent once I read your poem now, shall we? Now, did you or did you not, Mr. William Shakespeare? Thank you. Write these prose, okay? Every time I see your face, it reminds me of you. Did you or did you not write that first line? You're under oath, Mr. William Shakespeare. I I I may have have written that, but it's not not necessarily my best work. No, no. But how about the line, your eyes are like blue sapphires painted blue? Or how about you are the song the singing singer sang? Are any of these your best work?

23:51I I mean, no, of course not. I mean, what I what I wrote to to the lovely lady was was some of my best work.

23:58Oh, okay. So when you wrote to the lovely lady, Roses are rare, true love is rare, booty booty booty booty poppin' everywhere. That was your best work. Answer the question, Mr. Woods.

24:11Listen, it's a buffer and it's a gem. The children these days are very much into what I write. It's ahead of its time.

24:18Good people of the jury in Dracuda's court, these are the pros of a romantic predator, a devilish wordsmith intent on ravaging Dracutus bride's heart, were it to ever beat again. He is a dangerous human, the likes of which none of us have ever seen in this court. I rest my case.

24:35Well, I guess it's my turn now. Now, William May I call you Bill? You may, because you're my best friend. Ah, excellent. Now, Bill, I can see it in your eyes that you are obviously a racist and a bigot, and a phobe of all the phobes. So I think we should throw out the case entirely because, um paralegal, what did you say before in the case of blah blah blah blah blah? Um if we can cancel him, something like that. Either way, obviously my client, who is extremely handsome and has a way with words, just shouldn't be taken seriously anymore if his life depends on it.

From 25:00

25:16Objection, Your Honor. Now don't give me boogers and tell me it's broccoli. That's all I have to say. Help that. But but but you're a vampire. You don't even eat at all. Well, I mean, eat is a subjective word. I mean nourishment from blood is a word. We are not here to interrogate us vampires. We are here to talk about your dirty, dirty act, jacket as well.

25:40Objection? Who says that it was dirty? It could have been clean. Very, very clean. Now, I shall disregard my former comment and continue to talk about Bill here. Now, Bill, how many poems would you say you've written over the past, I don't know, year or so?

25:58Oh, simply simply thousands, of course.

26:04Now, would it be out of the realm of possibility if somebody were to see you at a tavern and simply copy down some of your former poems or sonnets? Oh, it simply happens all the time.

26:18All the time. It's that simple uh William Shake's peer. He thinks that he's my peer, but he's not even simply uh worthy to hold my beer.

26:29Yes, a very armadeous kind of moment. I can see it now. Obviously, my client was framed by a weaker individual who is not very good at wordsmithing, such as William Shakespeare is here, and he copied down some of his words. And maybe I don't know. Copied his handwriting? Yes, possibly. I'm just going out on a limb.

26:55Objection, Your Honor. Mr. Halsing is clearly leading the witness to outright lie under oath.

27:01I'm gonna go ahead and allow it.

27:03As he looks up and he's like getting some nods from the nobles, like, hmm, yes, let him keep going. I like what I see. Yes, thank you, Your Honor. I shall continue. Now, Bill, would you say that Dracula's wife is a fair lady, but you know better not to like mess with her or send her messages and stuff.

27:23I would simply never I would never uh associate even even so much as think about another man's wife. I rest my case.

27:33Your Honor, if I may, the burden of proof is just that, a tedious burden. The prosecution requests admission of baseless evidence to make its case.

27:42Hmm, now I see what you're saying there. Kinda I was filin' my nails underneath the table here, and they are looking mighty exquisite. I'm gonna go ahead and allow this case to carry on for a little bit now. I'm getting the nods, yeah, I'm getting the nods. Uh we haven't reached a verdict quite yet, and the jury is looking rather perturbed over there. So can you uh call your next witness, please, and stop stalling the case, Mr.

28:08Kentucky Fry.

28:10Fine then. Okay, well, I call Mr. One Nosferatu, who was at the tavern the night of the incident.

28:19I call an objection. I had no idea he was going to be here today, and he's not mentally I'm not mentally prepared for Nosferatu. Hello, yeah. Nosferatu here. Um, Mr. Bill, Shake a spear, you wanna get out of my seat so I can sit in there? It's it's Shake's pear. Either way, mmm. And this a um extremely tall, gangly, uh white-faced, uh, long-toothed, long-nosed vampire comes uh sacheting his way down to the courtroom drinking a mint julep.

28:59Now, too, from one southern vampire to another. First, I must say that you are looking delightful today. And that mint julep looks just simply refreshing.

29:09Thank you, child. And it is it is hot as a dog's behind out there, if you know what I'm saying, child. And this thing just mm-mm puckers me right up. Like, now why am I here today? I got a little summons from Dracula, and I was told to come to court. Um, why am I here?

29:26Yes, Miss Nose for our two. So is it true that you are at the tavern, the uh seamen and swallows, the other night when Mr. William Shakespeare was uh hitting on Dracula's wife. Is that true or not true?

29:41Hmm, let's just say I do frequent that establishment, and I am partial to drinking with the human kinds. Hmm. But they all kind of look alike to me. Uh who we are we talking about, the guy with the mustache? Objection! I definitely do not look like Bill, even though he is handsome. I do not Abraham? Yes, Bill. Do vampires drink alcohol? Just this one, Bill. Bill, since we're having a sidebar discussion.

From 30:00

30:16Yes.

30:17Do you remember seeing him at the tavern? I know he is a a sore sight on the eyes.

30:22I was c I was kind of distracted by the beauty of Dracula's wife that night.

30:26Okay, I completely understand.

30:29But it I think he said he said something along the lines of that all humans look alike, so like maybe we could cancel him and not cancel me.

30:38Yes. I like that plan a lot, Bill. You are smarter than the average bear. Thank you. Thank you. It's where I get all my confidence from.

30:46If the defendant will quiet down, I will continue my uh interrogation of Miss Nosferatu. Now, apologies, Miss Nosferatu. Were you or were you not? You said you cannot necessarily identify whether or not the defendant was at the bar that evening. However, were you or were you not around Jacky's wife, who I know you know what she looks like? Was she not at the tavern that evening?

31:09Hmm, let me think, child. She was in fact there, I do recall, because people should have been swooning over me, child, but instead they were all over her. And I was like, I need to do something about this. And so I went over there and I snuck into the shadows like I know Swarazu do. And then I got distracted. I made my way back to the kitchen and started making some pumper nickel bread. And then after that, I threw that in the oven. I came back, and that's when I stole some of Shakespeare's little quote books, and then I was like planning on doing something menacing, but at that point the guards already came rolling in and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

31:53See, Your Honor, Mr. Nelsferatu has the books from Shakespeare, which he stole from Mr. William Shakespeare at the tavern, and we had Dracador's Bride there. All of it lines up. It practically already happened. We can we could wash it in real time where, you know, we 300 years in the future or something like that. So uh the prosecution rests its case.

32:13All right. Don't worry, Bill. I'll put a stop to this nonsense. Now, Nosferatu. Mm-hmm, child. I'm going to have a conversation with you much like a crazy person has a conversation with two split personalities. And I'm going to keep rambling until one of us gets tired. You go ahead, child, I'll down how you can keep up with me. Alright. Now, Nosferatu. Is it true that you think that all of us humans look alike? Hmm, that's pretty cut and dry, child. Exactly. My point.

32:47Now Objection, Your Honor, this is not pertinent to the case at hand. I'll allow it.

32:55Now, back to my point. Hold on. What's that?

32:59Yes. Squeak squeak. Squeakity squeak. Yes, yes. Okay.

33:05Now I have it under good authority that you, Nosferatu, were not even at that tavern on that night. Explain yourself. Hmm, honestly, I got the letter and I uh I really don't know uh what night we're talking about exactly. I was told to come in here and make some stuff up, but I've had probably a couple of these mint juleps outside, and then a couple more out in the wagon, and then a couple more in the waiting room, child. So objects me, Your Honor.

33:37The the the uh the the witness is clearly drinking uh not uh not in right state of mind. I uh I recommend we pull him off immediately.

33:45Exactly. He cannot be trusted, or whatever this vampire gangly creature is, and I'm tired of hearing his voice.

33:54Alright, we'll say uh Nasprati leaves the stand and the prosecution gets back up. I call back to the stand Mr. William Shakespeare.

34:03It's Shakespeare. Yes, get it right.

34:05Yes, yes, whatever you want to call yourself. It won't matter shortly when this is finished. Now, Mr. Shakespeare, tell me, what do you think happened the night? If you are in fact innocent, how did multiple vampires misconstrue you hitting on Dracula's wife?

34:23Well, it appears simply that the vampires mistook me for another man. I mean, we've been told already that uh apparently vampires think that we all look the same. I mean, simply uh I I I just want to, you know, make sure that uh my my reputation remains unbismirched because I would never look at another man's wife. I would simply just be there um i i admiring the architecture of the wall.

34:47And with that, the uh the prosecutor walks up to someone in the jury and says, clearly confusing that human for you, and be like, that is not true, Mr. Shakespeare. We do not think all humans look the same. Uh I can clear this day tell that you are are the guilty person and You're not even talking to the right guy. Irrelevant, Your Honor. Uh objection. Uh the the defendant is making uh good good points that I was not totally uh prepared for, and I recommend we throw all of those out immediately.

From 35:00

35:18Yes. Now, for my surprise evidence, Bill remaining on the stage there.

35:26Okay.

35:26Now, Bill, do you recall seeing me at the Semen Swallows Tavern?

35:34Well, that's a complicated answer. I don't know, I'm not sure we have time to go into who I saw swallowing that night, but I'm not sure that's that's exactly what what what we should be talking about. Objection, we have time, Your Honor.

35:47The correct answer, Bill, is yes. Now, I was dressed up as a belly dancer of some kind, and I infiltrated the crowd, and I watched you the entire night. You had a couple drinks, yes. You agree, Bill? I d I I I do. Okay. Now follow me here. As a belly dancer, I might have slipped something into your drink, me being jealous of who you are, having such fame over and notoriety over me, and you may have passed out at some point, and then I put a blanket over you and then pushed you in a corner. Do you remember these things, Bill?

36:18Well, no, I was I was drugged.

36:20Exactly my point. Your Honor, my client was drugged that night at the bar, and there's no way he could have done these devious things.

36:29Your Honor, motion to put Van Helsing on trial and immediately find the defendant innocent. Now I'll allow it, but let's be real quick about it.

36:39Now, Mr. Van Helsing. Bill, don't leave me here. I I won't know. I uh uh Your Honor, can I can I represent Bill in the trial now? Well, it's pretty clear now, Your Honor. I am on trial. I will sit on the little wooden stool, and Bill will defend me. Now, ask your questions. Abraham. Yes.

36:59You were at the seaman swallow. Seaman and swallow? What's the name of the bar again? Seaman and swallow. Seaman and swallow.

37:07The sign is like a sailor holding like a bird. Of course, of course, of course. What else would it be? I don't I don't understand.

37:14Of course, of course. Abraham, can I call you Abe? Yes, you can, best friend Bill. Abe, are you aware of another Abraham from history? No. A man renowned for his honesty. A man about whom it was said he could not tell a lie.

37:35I'm gonna be 100% honest with you, Bill. I don't do a lot of reading.

37:39That's fair. Well, um I have I have been I have heard stories of this Abraham uh of Lincoln, as I have been told his name was. Uh a man who was so honest, so pure, that everyone knew that he was a good person. And I think you share a lot of qualities with him.

37:58Your name, of course. You think so? Uh he sounds like a wet blanket, like someone I wouldn't want to take to a party. But I j I would just like to establish that for the court.

38:07But of course, I mean, Abra Abraham, Abe, you know, after you drugged me in the tavern that night, Yes. Could you could you recount one more time for the court what you did?

38:17Yes. Now, I threw the blanket on you, and then I pretended for a long, long time that I was a cat, and I was kneading you like bread, and I was stretching out my imaginary claws and just pushing and pushing and pushing. That lasted for about forty-five minutes. So you put a blanket on me, why? To cover you up. I didn't want anybody else to realize that you were there. And and uh and of course to to make me feel warmer, right? Oh care about me. It was rather chilly out that night.

38:47Yes, yes. And then you needed me because um you wanted to uh give me a massage. You saw that how performing had left my muscles sore, correct?

38:55Yes, I have heard that the burden of performance can be on one's back, so I was simply massaging it. I see where you're going.

39:02Your Honor, what I'm trying to to illuminate here is that uh Abraham Van Housing, abe, my new best friend, is a good, honest man who would never do anything untoward, uh, and therefore is clearly um not guilty of all charges. No further questions.

39:18Shakespeare's character leaves the witness stand. The colonel, uh like a bloody tear trips down his face. Your Honor, I believe the only thing Mr. Van Helsing is guilty of is being a really good friend. I thought they were gonna go in a totally different direction with that whole drug thing, and thank goodness that did not happen. Let's just call it even bygones be bygones. Let's go get a drink over at the Siemens Walls, if that sounds good, y'all.

39:43Uh looking around, uh looking upstairs, I can see that this case is in fact dismissed.

39:50Well, thank goodness. Let's get out of here before Dracula's wife comes around again. I gave her the gift last night, and it is a terrible, terrible thing.

39:59Abe, that sounds like a wonderful, wonderful idea. But actually, just before we do, um I I I I see a woman over in the corner that I'd like to talk to for just one moment, if you Oh yeah, you do you, man.

From 40:00

40:09Bill Bill, um needlewing man or anything, I'll be over here with the rat in my pocket.

40:14I just sidle over to uh a woman over in the corner who uh I whose teeth I've been admiring the whole the whole episode. And uh I just hand her a little note that says My Lady of the Night, your teeth are just so white. I'd like to examine them and to feel your bite.

40:35And scene. Jack, thank you so much for being on the show. Uh we had a lot of fun, super messy as always, but uh we with a little bit of editing and uh magic of technology, we might have a coherent episode somewhere in there. Wonderful.

40:51Good. I I was like writing trying to write like four-line sonnets this whole time. I was like trying like show off poet, and I was like, I'm not letting that one go by.

41:01Nice. Jack, how can our listeners, all two dozen of them or whatnot, find you online or on social media?

41:08Uh, best spot to find me is jack the whipper.com. That's where you can find my uh show schedule and links to all my social media. So I would just start there. Uh it's not Jacksy Whipper because no one knows how to spell my name. Uh, but honestly, jaxiwhipper.com, jack the whipper.com, jacklepiars.com, any of the above, they'll all send you there. You have all those domains? I have all those domains because no one knows how to spell any of my names. I've been called Jacksy Wiper so many times. Doesn't have the same appeal.

41:37I mean, in some grab it does.

41:40Jack, thank you so much. Uh, if you're listening to the podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, go ahead and leave us a rating or review and go ahead and give us a follow so you can listen to more gems like tonight's. Thank you so much and have a wonderful evening. Bye.