Juan Life Gives You Lunar Trouble

From 0:00

0:00Just so you know, Daft Monks is half talk show, half actual play campaign that features adult language and topics. Viewer discretion is advised. Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents Daft Monks. Hey Nate, how's it going? It is super well, Nate. How are you? Ooh, I am fantastic. Fantastic's pretty good. No, I'm lying to you. Oh oh no. I need internet in my life. And it's getting pretty rough around here lately. They promise 40 megabits a second. But when I check it during like high stream time, it was down to nine. And I'm like, I feel like I could acquire information on foot faster than nine megabits a second.

0:50That's pretty brutal, Nate. Um, not gonna lie. Maybe try like a like a VPN or something. I wonder if that would help.

0:57Ooh.

0:58When I was at like AIT, which is the the school where you learn your job after basic training for the military, or at least for the army, you could pay for like in the barracks, you could pay for like an internet service, but it was pretty [expletive], unless you connected to a VPN and then it was like super stable. Weird. I wonder why. Maybe something to try.

1:19I don't know if it'll help or not. I'll give it a shot for sure. Maybe. We'll see. I'm getting pretty into bowling lately. So okay. Um, how's that going? It's going good. Um, before I moved down to Tucson, we bowled all the time. So I had at one point like a 210 average and was doing a lot of tournaments and doing a lot of league. And so I'm just trying to get back into it. Uh only one of my six balls survived the trip to Tucson and back. So I have to rebuild. Yeah. I have to rebuild my arsenal. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You had six bowling balls, first of all. Yeah, I've had more at different periods in time, but how did I not know this about you?

2:09Yeah. I had a lot. Yep. And so five of them broke, which I don't know percentage-wise, that's what 78% of the six eighty-two percent of them broke.

2:20Yep. And then uh Megan's broke too, and it was just a rough time. They don't like uh weather change, these newer balls. Yikes, okay. And considering realistically, they're anywhere from 180 to 240 bucks a pop for a bowling ball. Yeah, they're not cheap. Right? We go we get the best of the best, you know?

2:45I was in a bowling league when I was younger. Um I know I know a little bit. So, first of all, what's uh what's like the standard weight number of your your ball?

2:54So all of mine are 15. I did have one that was 14, but it was a little too light. And then when you're doing tournaments and everything, you want to keep something that you're gonna be comfortable with because you throw a lot of games in a tournament. So 15 was my number, and that's usually what I stick with.

3:10Got it. Yeah. I I would say, I don't know, I think that's pretty on the on the heavier side for sure. I feel like a lot of people throw like probably a le I don't know what, 11 of 14s, I would say is like maybe the common range for men. Right, for the average. I threw 13s, but it was maybe even a little on the heavier side. I liked it to be a little bit heavier. I felt like that anchored my throw a little bit.

3:33Ooh, yeah, yeah. Yep, because uh we had that problem with Corvin because he had a problem pushing the ball too much today. So we bumped him up to a 14-pound ball and he was throwing it great. And then all of a sudden he got a little tuckered out because you've seen Corvin's arms. That's a lot of weight for him. He uh he's not a jock. No, no. Bowling is the most athletic thing that he will ever do in his life. I love it because he loves it, so we just keep doing it. That's pretty cool.

4:03Um, I was pretty terrible. I don't think I have ever rolled a 200 game in my life. I think if I rolled over like a 140, I was like super proud of myself, which is sad. Oh, yeah. Because I was in a bowling league. My friend was really into it, and his parents were really into it, so they basically had me join so he could like flesh out his team. But I think one time they referred to me as his handicap or something, and I was like, I don't know, I feel about that.

4:23Yeah, so no, that's a good thing. So when you have a team, and if you're doing a handicap league for your team, you want to have one really [expletive] bowler on your team. Oh my god, that was me.

4:36Yes.

4:39I thought they were just being mean, but I literally was a point value handicap.

4:46Yes, you were a very important role to the team because when you went above your average, you gave them so many more points than what was necessary. That's usually a Megan spot on our team.

From 5:00

5:01Wow. That's I'm glad I didn't know that as a child. That's incredibly insulting.

5:08Yikes. So there's you know, since you bowled, that there's etiquette to bowling on lanes. Yeah, you don't bowl when the person next to you is going, right? Yes. So one time we got stuck with like a family with some little kids, and I [expletive] you not. I almost took this girl out with my leg kick because she came in hot right behind me, and I got long legs, and I play the far left of the lane and throw it out, and it was probably inches from her face. I almost like Johnny caged her ass.

5:36That's amazing. I'm trash, but next time you come into town, we need to go bowling. I didn't know this was a thing. I feel like the one thing we have in common, the one activity, physical activity we could do together that we both enjoy. That's crazy.

5:48I'll bring my bowling stuff. All right, all right.

5:50I'm gonna move the show on because I think our listeners are probably super bored already. They might be I love bowling. Nate, serious topic here. You and I are, I think, just like bad profits or something. Because we keep talking about random [expletive] and then stuff keeps happening, right? So we mentioned Futurama a couple episodes. Futurama comes back with new episodes, but minus Bender's voice actor. Didn't think anything of it, Nate. But last episode we talked about Chernobyl hosting the Winter Olympics. Russia invaded Ukraine, and one of the first places they sieged was Chernobyl. Nate, I'm just starting to get nervous that anything we say materialized in a negative way into the world.

6:30Man, I just can't wait to find a briefcase with a million dollars in it. So you're gonna find it, but it's gonna be monopoly money, you know. Oh, I'd be so disappointed. I'd call you right away and [expletive] about it. You'll do that about everything anyway. That is bananas. Like, we were just joking about having a bunch of guns in Chernobyl, but look what happened.

6:50Yikes, yeah. Well, and like we're not sending most of the Western civilization isn't sending like soldiers there, but we're sending a lot of guns. Yeah. They've joked about it because in the past, like, of course, countries are always like giving weapons to other countries, but they're very like secretive about it. They don't we are just blatantly like making it clear that we are giving you the Ukraine weapons, like we are all just like giving anti-helicopter, like anti-tank weapons. It's crazy, Nate. Like, who would have thought we would have been alive for something like this?

7:21I know, not me. I just can't believe it. I'm really scared for World War III. I know I'm not gonna be drafted. I'm too important here for the podcast, but other people I worry about too old. Oh, I am too old.

7:33With your bad back, dude, you wouldn't make it. You'd show up like already, like, I'm ready to shoot someone. They're like, oh, like you're not in physical shape.

7:43Yeah, you can peel potatoes. Thanks. They don't even [expletive] peel potatoes anymore. It'd be a joke job.

7:50Well, uh, hope everyone's safe out there. I doubt we have any Eastern European listeners, but if we do, regardless of which side you're on, we hope you're staying safe.

8:01I hope our little podcast can brighten up your day. Yes.

8:09Oh gosh. I am concerned. So the other thing about Chernobyl is I'm really worried. Like, now that Russia potentially has like control over Chernobyl, what monster do you think has been just marinating under there for the last like two, three decades since the explosion? I feel like they that's why they want to get back in Ukraine. They want that monster. That's what I think is happening. There's I think there's like a giant, like, Cthulhu-esque beast that they've been growing, and it uh incubator timer went off, and it's time to unleash havoc.

8:42Yeah, like we need to get that guy back, and then that's what the next World War III is going to be. Actually, like mutated, engineered monsters battling it out. And then like I really imagine like America's being maybe like a gorilla, but really flamboyant. Like he's got like a wrestling leotard on and an American flag cape and like big glasses, and he has like intro music and [expletive]. Like, that's what I'm picturing in my head. Kind of like robot jocks, you know, where they're fighting over timber and oil, but with engineered animals.

9:15If you come the night before Wawa Westcom, we're gonna watch that. That's oh I'm gonna love it. I need I need to see it at this point. I did, I think for Patreon one month, I found a free version of it online and I linked to it. Uh so I didn't know because I want to get in trouble, but I linked to the free version, but it was only like 200 by 200 pixels. It was like really small. It was it was ridiculous. But uh still gotta check out Robot Jocks. We talked last week or last episode tomorrow, so by the time this episode airs, tomorrow, Nate, we are gonna be at the Wild Wild West steampunk convention. Crazy.

9:52Ooh, I am super excited for it. Except for now the weird absinthe in a someone's hotel room thing. Other than that, I'm excited.

From 10:00

10:01It's been a lot of twists and turns with this convention that we didn't plan on going, but I think it'll be a good time, Nate. So uh if you are gonna be there, if you happen to be listening, happen to be going, we have a panel at 10 a.m. in the Mesa Ballroom. Come check it out. We'll be telling you how to launch your own podcast in 30 days or less. Yep. You can spot us. Our t-shirts just came in today. So we got red Nat One Presents t-shirts, and we'll be handing out business cards with QR codes um and going to yeah, some weird absent testing in someone's bedroom. So um and check us out. We're almost look like professional marketers and podcasters.

10:01So uh yeah, give us give us say hi and tell us you're a listener. It would be great.

10:40And either way, we're walking away with some kind of listeners. Like if I have to get in trouble at the absent thing, or who knows what, we're walking away with some listeners.

10:50Oh, definitely. We're gonna make it happen. So I got 500 business cards, Nate, and they have specific info about Wawa Westcon, like our panel. So we can't use those again. That's 250 each of us. We got to give out. So oh, piece of cake. I'm gonna be asking you for more. Yeah, we haven't I haven't decided yet. I'm thinking about doing a giveaway. I don't know if we wanted to try that out or if we just want to just try pure network, like just like an Amazon card. Like, I was just gonna see if that maybe helps get people to sign up on the spot, or if we just want to actually see if we can pitch it ourselves. So right.

11:20And like how aggressive do we get with it? Be like, if you want to win this card, like I'm gonna look over your shoulder on your phone and see you subscribe, like watch.

11:29Oh, yeah, definitely. No, I'm not for sure. I'm not that trusting, Nate. You know that. All right, moving on. So we are a sometimes DD podcast. So today I always have a little bit of DD tidbit news. And so this new one I have for you, today's today's headline, as it were, is that I don't know if you ever watched True Blood or Daredevil, Nate, but the star, uh Deborah Ann Wolf, um in True Blood, she was the redhead. That was like Bill's like kind of like apprentice. And then I I don't remember much about I only saw one season at Daredevil, but she's the redheaded person in Daredevil. I don't know, I don't remember her role. I'm sorry. Um, anyway, but Deborah Ann Wolf, I recognized her.

11:29A lot of people know her just as a famous actor from different shows. She's launching a DD show on Twitch, and it's called Children of, and I don't know how it's intended to be pronounced. It sounds like Ert or Ert, but it will utilize DD 5th edition, and it's going to weave a sweeping fairy tale narrative, and it's confirmed to be an ongoing project, so there'll be countless episodes on Twitch, and it does feature some it has a bunch of names, including Hope Lavelle, Lauren Urban, Alicia Marie, Jennifer Kretschmer, and Adam Bradford. As far as who these people are, I did some kind of quick looks. They are very niche. Do you recognize any of those names, Nate?

12:44No, I do know who you're talking about, the main girl, because I do remember her from Daredevil. And she was actually on a couple of the critical role uh DDs. She definitely plays Dungeons and Dragons.

12:57She has been playing a while. So her guests are interesting because they're like one of them is a content coordinator for Forgotten Realms by Codename Entertainment. One of them is a famous cosplayer. Um, one is like another actor that has like a lot to do with like Nickelodeon in some like obscure roles. So like these are all interesting people. They're actually, it says they all actually do come from like tabletop role-playing game backgrounds. They're like not major celebrity names, but they're they're kind of like actual people in the community who are semi-famous and play. So that's kind of exciting. Yeah. News was broken by DemiPlane, uh, which is a looking for group site, which has expanded to RPG asset management, and it's gonna kick off March 8th.

12:57March 8th has like a probably a session zero or introduction, and March 15th will be the story start. Dang. See, I'll probably actually check this out before I check out Vox Machina with 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, it's gonna be on Twitch. I think, you know, I know you like critical role and listening to that kind of thing, so I think it could be could be exciting. I might give it a shot, but um, I think any any kind of DD content and RPG or tabletop content in general, I'm I'm all about it. Especially if there's like good acting and just like role play, it's you know what I'm a big fan of. So that would that would be my hope.

12:57I also do like fairy tales, so I would love to see their spin on. Yeah.

14:11And you know, DD's coming more into the main culture because even like comic book stores and stuff that put out ads now, DD is a staple of the books that they sell. They're like, if we have DD stuff, come on in. So I think things are looking up for the whole DD vibe.

14:26Yeah, it's I love it. I love it. I I don't believe in gatekeeping. I love bringing more people in the community, casual players, serious players. It's a lot of fun. I met you because I wanted to play DD. You know, I met a lot of our friends in Tucson that way. So it's been it's been a great experience for me. And anything that can maybe help create another experience for other awkward nerds, then hats off.

14:48Yeah, you can make friends, you can lose friends.

14:52Such is life, Nate. Such is life.

14:54I know, that's live.

14:55Okay, so today this episode is also going live right around the time that the Batman is coming out in theaters, Nate. Ugh. We've talked about it. You're not excited. No, we don't have to totally delve into it if you don't want to. Regardless, it's a Batman film, so I'm sure it will probably be very talked about and get uh a lot of people to theaters. Yep. And so I thought today, Nate, what we could do for an activity is take some buzz feed quizzes and see which kind of villain we would be.

From 15:00

15:27Ooh, that sounds good. Because we're not the heroes, Nate. No. I tell people all the time, if I had any kind of powers, I would instantly turn evil. Like, I'm sorry, but it is what it is. Like if I could force choke someone, [expletive] watch out.

15:41I hope you never do get that power. Because you would use it, and it would be on like the woman at Circle K who tries to tell you about the app and stuff like that. Like you would use it in entirely inappropriate situations.

15:56Oh, and I'd get away with it too. Be the perfect crime.

16:01Porsche joking would be the perfect crime. Yeah, it's the perfect crime. Well, yeah, I guess because they can't see like who, like, no evidence. I mean, and it would it wouldn't even on the camera look like. Would you do the Darth Veda thing where you'd hold your hand up, or would it be more like psychic where they would just like start choking and you just be like staring at them or on your phone?

16:19Ooh, yeah. I hope it I hope it'd be more like uh Damien kind of like spawn of Satan. Like I just stare at them and like the O Fortuna song plays in the background, and then they're just choking the death.

16:31All right, very, very specific. May that never come to fruition. Yeah, I've thought about it. Just a little bit. All right, here we go. So uh we got 20 questions, Nate. I'm gonna I'll read you a question. So you don't have the quiz in front of you, so I'm kind of dictating it for you. And I'm gonna take the quiz with you too, so we'll we'll both see who we get, okay? All right, all right. First question What would be the best part about being Batman? And there's lots of options here. Science and gadgets, being feared by your enemies, serving out justice, the detective skills, the stealth and ninja moves, or the adrenaline rush of crime fighting?

17:07Ooh. Probably just the adrenaline rush of crime fighting for me. I was hoping that chicks was gonna be on there, but I guess that's more of a Bruce Wayne with money kind of thing than a Batman thing.

17:19Um, I would say the science and gadgets, because he's just like, hey, I want a suit that like shoots a rocket out of its belt, and like some like scientist does it because they're employed by him.

17:30Right. And then they're like, Oh, what do you need this for, Mr. Wayne? And he's like, [expletive] shut your mouth and don't worry about it.

17:38Exactly. All right, let's pretend you're a rising supervillain, which after our last conversation, I don't have to pretend very much. I think you might actually be a supervillain. Pick a villainous ambition. So riches and wealth, fame and prominence, personal goals, destruction, anarchy, or power and prestige.

17:59Ooh, definitely power and prestige for me. Like, I want to walk into a room and everybody gasp, and then like if someone looks at me funny, I like nod to one of my henchmen, and then all of a sudden they get drug out of there screaming. But then because of the power and prestige, everybody still goes about their normal conversation as this person is screaming for help.

18:23Wow, that was really specific. Yeah. I'm glad we don't record in person anymore. I would just like to say.

18:58Yeah, it's just a yes or no. Yes, I think I would. I have tale as old as time. You've seen it once, you've seen it a thousand times.

19:06I'd I'd have one. We both know I wouldn't because I can't remember names or like phrases of things. Even last episode, I think I spelt disaster wrong when I tried to spell something. So we're gonna say not really because I don't think I could stick to it.

19:19Yeah, you'd mix it up. You'd be like, don't throw glass through stone houses.

19:26You've made the pilgrimage to Gotham. What do you do to get your name out there? Um, and the choices are assassinate somebody important, challenge the Dark Knight to a battle. I don't really need a big time, so I'm going to take it easy for now, or steal the most valuable artifact in the city.

19:44If I'm gonna be completely honest, I would probably take it easy for now. Like, man, I just got in the Gotham. I need to relax, get my bearings a little bit, you know, maybe get a part-time job for a little bit, get some cash flow coming in, and then get back on the crime train.

From 20:00

20:02He's a real villain of the people, is what they would say. By night, a crime lord, by day, a beggar at your local grocery store.

20:13That's where I get the the people on my hit list. If they're mean to me, I'm like, oh, you're [expletive] going down.

20:20Okay, and for me, I would steal the most valuable artifact and then brag to everybody about it. Like, oh yeah, you know that you know the Mona Lisa, like she's above my toilet or some something stupid like that. Yeah, I like that. Alright. Your actions have gotten you invited to a villain party. And it says, How do you fare? You stay close to your friends, but am otherwise social. You mingle, but you're no party animal. You are just going to stand in the corner and watch, or you're the life of the party.

20:51Ooh, more than likely I would probably be the life of the party. I think that's the option I'm gonna go with. If I could add my own option, I would put secretly set up some kind of explosive device and blow up all the bad people at the party. That way it's easy pickings for me to take over the town later on as Bagger Man.

21:12Okay, well that's not an option, so I'll put down Life of the Party. Yeah. You're looking for other criminals to form a crew with. Who are you looking for? Anyone with an exciting personality and that you can have fun with? Anyone evil to the core that has no morals? Loyal and honest criminals with code, someone who has your back, or strategists, schemers, and generally intelligent people? Oh.

21:35Someone who has my back, I think if we have to pick one of these options. If there was my own made up option again, I would just want somebody who does the Rick and Morty, snaps their fingers and points at me. You son of a [expletive], I'm in. Like that's all I would need for them to join my squad.

21:52Uh, for me, it would be again, I'm kind of like I I imagine I'd be some like mad hatter kind of guy. So anyone with an exciting personality, someone I can Have fun with, like you, Nate. Ooh, thanks. I'd make your squad. You suspect that the police are on to you. What do you do? Bribe and blackmail the Gotham City Police Department? Personally visit the Gotham City Police Department and attack them? Move headquarters, haze your crew, and change anything to throw them off your trail? Or let them come. They don't stand a chance against you.

22:23I would probably move headquarters and change around. But yeah, that's what I'm gonna pick for the quiz. But if I had my own option again, I would just try to frame somebody else for all these crimes. Because I'm an innocent bagger guy at a local grocery store, you know, like I don't know what's going on. But if I could frame probably some old lady who wronged me and said like I bagged her cans the wrong way, like, oh, she would be the criminal mastermind. She's going down. You know, [expletive] that [expletive].

22:54So it's canon now that you are a Gotham villain, super villain, that is also a grocery bagger that is staying in. Okay. I don't think anyone even cares, but I would probably just bribe somebody. And especially we know on Gotham there's always a dirty cop to do your bidding.

23:11Oh, yeah, absolutely. Except for Commissioner Gordon. He's on the straight and narrow. But any other person, dirty.

23:17Your villain crew just pulled off a heist. What was your part of the play in it? Acquire the funding equipment and other resources for the heist? Were you the leader of the crew that set up the heist? You did the background research and made all the plans for the heist? Or you stole valuables and fought off the cops?

23:34Ooh, I'm gonna say that I did the background research on the heist, and I said I did it earlier, but I didn't. Like I waited until like 30 seconds before our meeting, and I'm like, this is the info I got, and I'm just like winging it and trying to oversell it to get everyone to believe it, and then hopefully I'm not there for the actual heist.

24:00That sounds an awful lot like you as a DM.

24:04Yes, exactly.

24:06I would say based on how I've my role on the podcast has been I acquired the funding, equipment, and resources for the heist. So I got like all the players in, but I don't actually dirty my hands with doing it myself.

24:18Ooh, I like that.

24:19I like that that makes sense. You and your crew are splitting the cash. How do you want to split it? You don't care as long as you get the bulk of it, and even split between all members of the crew. Everyone gets as much pay as they need, and those in need receive that leftover. Or the most important roles get paid more.

24:36Ooh, if I have to pick one of these options, it would definitely be the most important roles get paid more. But if again I had to add my own option, it would be wipe out my entire crew and keep all the cash for myself.

24:50So just like a dark knight, basically. Yes, yes. Mine would be I don't care as long as I get the bulk of it.

24:57Um, okay.

24:59You want to keep criminals happy. Or dead. Or dead. Wow. Tell me how you really feel.

From 25:00

25:07I'm killing a lot of criminals in this.

25:10Yeah. Like, are you? It's not clear, Nate. Are you a supervillain or you're just a vigilante grocery bagger? I don't understand which one it is. Name's Bagman.

25:21A bag crime. Attack him and bag empaper or plastic.

25:34Oh my god. Oh, Jesus. Okay. Suddenly, Batman bursts in. What do you do? My crew is fighting Batman. I sneak out with the cash, and the nice guys finish last. Battle Batman while my crew battles the police. We're not going out without a fight. I drop everything and run. It's every man for himself. Or I leave the money and get my crew out there fast. We can't afford to be caught. Oh, definitely the first one. Because [expletive] the crew. I'm getting out of there with the jewels and [expletive]. Yes, I would say this is one of the few ones we agree with, Nate. I would just, with whatever I got, I'm taking off, and whoever makes it makes it.

26:13And uh all the jewels and stuff will already be bagged up, ready to go.

26:18Your one small crew has grown into a full gang. Do you become the leader? I prefer to be the boss of me and only me. I like to be in charge of everything and everyone. I tend to micromanage any project I'm put on, whether I'm in charge or not. I prefer to follow directions under another person.

26:35What was the one about just being your own boss? I think that one.

26:39Yeah. I prefer to be the boss of me and only me.

26:43Yeah, but if again, we're making these up and I could put my own question in. I'm gonna have a figurehead set up that is gonna be pretending to be the boss, right? Like a like a Princess Amadala kind of thing. And then people come in, they're like, oh, that's the boss, you know, that's the Bubba. Really, I'm behind the scenes. But if anybody asks me, I'm like, oh, you better go [expletive] ask the boss. But behind, I'm like, I'm gonna kill this guy, and then I pull out a plastic grocery bag and put it over their head and strangle them with it.

27:11Like that's my calling card now. All right. We are on question 17 of 20, so four more questions, all right? All right, here we go. You're becoming a well-known supervillain. How do you like your newfound attention and admiration? You love admiration, but you don't like the attention. You love it all, you like to be noticed, but don't need to be adored, or you'd rather do without the attention or admiration. Oh no, I like it all. I love it. Yeah, that sounds about right. Okay, three questions left. You get into a Mexican standoff with another villain. What do you do?

27:11Take a shot, slowly and carefully attempt leaving the gunfight, attempt to leave the gunfight, use my environment and quick thinking to subdue my enemy, try to reason with my opponent and resolve this with violence, or wait it out.

27:57I think I'm gonna use my surroundings that one. But while we're doing that, I'm gonna distract him and be like, why do we have to call this a Mexican standoff? Why do we have to bring race into this? It's just me and you fighting. And then that's going to distract them long enough that I can find something to interact with.

28:13That you can give a signal to your Mexican henchman who's gonna jump on top of him. Paco.

28:21Paco's gonna be pissed that my enemy called this a Mexican standoff.

28:30Alright. Two more questions. An enemy gang member is defeated. Wait, what was your mercy? Oh, for me? Uh I chose the same as you, yeah. Uh I would use my environment. I would try to be like, hey, let's take it easy now, and then like just like we walk in circles until he steps in a pothole or something. I don't know. Whatever. Yeah. It's not how it would go, but that's what I would try to do, I'm sure. Right? You'd be the one stepping in a pothole and be like, oh my ankle. Definitely. Definitely. An enemy gang member is defeated and at your mercy. What do you choose to do? Leave him, he has failed and is of no importance to you. Offer him salvation, his skills could be put to use.

28:30Kill him quickly, he's a threat. Take him prisoner, his information could be of use, or torture and kill him, he lost and must be made an example of. Uh take him prisoner.

29:21But realistically, I would probably forget about him in the prison and he would just die of starvation in there.

29:33That sounds about right. I just said kill him quickly, because if we learn anything from villains, like they're spiteful and they're gonna double cross you. Like, I just wouldn't leave any loose ends there. This is the last question, eh? You ready for this? Oh, I am so ready. All the villains are brainstorming how to kill Batman. What's your idea? Destroy everything and everyone he needs and slowly break his spirit and psyche, draw him out, fight him and win, overwhelm and outnumber him in pure manpower, brute force, and resources, or stay one step ahead of him and play him into a trap. Ooh, number two, for sure. Number two.

From 30:00

30:07Draw him out, fight him and win. Yes. Yep. That's pretty good. If I'm gonna fight the bat, I'm gonna like do it with my bare mitts, you know, like on top of a mountain. Like I don't think there's any mountains in Gotham, but somehow I'm gonna lure him to a mountain, and then that's where we'll battle.

30:22Okay. And I'm gonna go with overwhelm and outnumber him in pure manpower, brute force, and resources. He's just one man and he doesn't have superpowers. There's gotta be a way that just sheer quantity wins, you know. Like if I just strapped a bunch of missiles to penguins, so I and they like and then like release them into a city, that's gotta work. It's gotta, Nate. It's gotta. There's no other way around it. Alright. It is very slowly loading. This is very dramatic. Uh yours is still loading, but mine, Nate, who do you think I am? Riddler. You are two-face. So I am two-faced. You are Harvey Dent, aka Two-Face. Responsible, charismatic, and down to earth. You have a moral code and a deep sense of justice. You're an ideal team player and an adept communicator.

30:22You are a natural-born leader and caring individual. You're the judge, jury, and executioner to the Gotham underworld and the anti-paladin at Gotham's famed Dark Knight. Ooh. That's great. Um I'm gonna share my screen, Nate. What do you think? First off, what do you think about that?

31:23Um, I think it makes sense. You know, you could be a two-faced. Depends on what kind of mood you're in. Do you want to save people? Do you want to defeat evil? Or do you want to murder everybody without mercy because you're having a bad day and someone had your friend's car towed from your parking spot outside your house? I don't know. Okay.

31:45Yeah, that that that sounds about right. Nate, I'm unfortunately I can't share my screen because I'd have to restart the web browser. Oh, that's okay. But who do you think you got, Nate? Ooh, man. Uh Redbush. You think you got poison ivy? Yeah, what did I get? I wanted to share my screen so bad, Nate, but I can't without restarting the browser. Here we go. You are the penguin. You are Oswald Cobblefot, aka the penguin. Pragmatic, confident, and calculating. You're a productive worker and efficient at organization and management. You're passionate and driven and aren't afraid to speak your mind. Nobody gets in your way or tells you to back down. You're Batman's most powerful villain and the king of Gotham's underworld. Yes. I knew it. I did not rig that. I did not.

31:45I swear to God.

32:39That's too [expletive] funny, man.

32:40I wanted to reveal that to you so bad with the share screen. I wish it worked.

32:45What what picture is it of? Is it of like the cartoon penguin or like the Danny DeVito penguin or the new uh salesman?

32:53No, both of these look like they're from the like Arkham Knight video game series or whatever.

32:58Oh, okay.

32:59They look like those. So you're like a video game penguin holding out your umbrella machine gun thing. I gotcha. I gotcha. And you've got like a fur coat on.

33:08I gotta be stylish.

33:09Gotta be. That made my day, Nate. I really was hoping one of us got penguin.

33:15That's so funny.

33:18Well, Nate, with that, I think it's time to play some DD. Ooh, I am ready.

33:26The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us. Four to one. And our odds are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.

33:43I wouldn't quite say lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not, for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.

34:00And we're back. On the last adventure, Nate, do you want to give us a breakdown of what happened and where we're at today?

34:09Yeah, the Deaf Monks arrived at Heron Vineyard. We called it the Vatican of the East, or the Great Value Vatican. But it's known just kind of as this religious headquarters and kind of secret operations of vampire figures. So we meet up with Blades Contact outside of this big elaborate church, who reluctantly takes us inside. I don't remember if we gave him a name. He basically was like a Littlefinger type guy, Father Littlefinger or something. But he reluctantly guides us in and takes us to the secret storehouse where a number of weapons and items were available. He showed us where a number of vampire factions were attacking and kind of noted that a lot of their usual go-to monster hunters and vampire slayers have been destroyed and wiped out.

34:09Reluctantly, they're actually relying on more so Trevor Belmont than Van Helsing, but the the daft monks together, they're hoping, or the D-Hunters, as it were, they're hoping they can pull something through. Belmont concocts this total [expletive] story about how various pinpoints on the map look like a pentagram, but he actually made that up because he doesn't trust this church or the Littlefinger character. And so he reveals to Van Helsing there is something else afoot, and they're going to go to a different location than the one they told Littlefinger. And then they look at some very descriptive stained glass murals that have a lot of information in them, except the last one was all scratched out and probably said something really important that neither Belmont nor Van Helsing can make out.

34:09And with that, I don't think we left yet. I think we were gonna pretend to go to bed and sneak off in the night. Correct me if I'm wrong, Nate.

From 35:00

35:50No, that is correct. So after the incident with the stained glass, we both made it back to our beds and we were planning on leaving in the middle of the night. But as we gather our stuff, and just before we are about to leave, we hear a large scream echoing from down the hallway. It is a man's scream.

36:12What do you want to do, Nate? Well, we're in separate bedrooms, I believe, right. You have a separate room, so we kind of said to sleep with one eye open. Belmont was completely like in his clothes, like ready to go, and uh rushes across to your room, knocks softly, is like Van Helsing, Van Helsing, did you hear that?

36:28Oh yes, of course, of course I did, and then I opened the door, and uh I'm also almost fully dressed, except for I just don't have pants. Yeah, well that's kind of standard.

36:39Yeah. Quickly, then get ready. I I heard something.

36:42Now is either our time to escape or we need to look into the screams going on down the hall.

36:46I heard it as well, my boy. If we're going to be monster hunters, we need to investigate and get down to the bottom of this scream. Let me just throw on some nut grabbers real fast and then we'll go down the stairs. W what did you call them? Nut grabbers. They are very tight around the groin area and they they pinch and pull, and that's really why I don't like to wear them that this is besides the point. Let me get on my pants, and I shall go with you.

37:13I also imagine you are also holding like almost like uh like a toy soldier that also holds nuts. Like those where you also have actual nutcrabbers.

37:23I'm just cracking nuts. What are we talking about here?

37:31Okay, I'll do some reconnaissance down the hall while I wait for you. Just come and meet me up with me once you're ready.

37:36Oh, very well, my boy. I'll meet you down there. Belmont rushes downstairs. Father Littlefinger is laying in the center of where the main stage would be, and there are one, two, three, four people standing above him, surrounding him. And it's a murder mystery.

37:57Oh god, here we go.

38:00And there are four people surrounding him, and he is kind of laid out, and then there's blood splattered on the floor. [expletive].

38:07That was the guy who was going to pay us twenty percent of all of their funds. [expletive], we need to at least make sure we get the contract back. Van Helsing, are you here?

38:16I'm coming, my boy, as he's like still somehow putting on pants as he's going down the stairs. I'm gonna roll a yeah, I'm gonna roll a dex check for he passes. He somehow shimmies down. Gets his pants all the way on. What happened? What happened to Father Littlefinger? Where is he? Oh I see he's he's there. Yes.

38:38Yes, yep, uh presumably very dead, um, based on the large puddle of blood surrounding him. Let's make like you did that time you locked a bunch of clowns inside of a tent and go lock the doors. Don't let anybody out. I think we're going to have to interrogate a little bit. There's no way now we can leave in the cover of darkness with this kind of insanity going on in the Church of God.

39:00Yes, this puts quite a damper on our plans. I'll go lock the doors real quick like I'm very good at it. And he runs off and goes and locks the door. This isn't the first time you've held a bunch of people captive.

39:14And it won't be the last, I guarantee it.

39:17So as you, Trevor Belmont, look around. There are four people standing above Father Littlefinger. Uh one is an actual lady nun. The other looks like one of the Mexican gardeners from the wine out in the field from earlier. There is also a young uh blonde-haired stable boy with a little bit of mud on his nose. And then finally, there is a very slick-looking middle-aged man.

39:46So it just real curious. I imagine we're like somewhere in Europe, but we have a Mexican gardener. You're [expletive] racist.

39:57Well, you can't have a Mexican standoff without a Mexican name. These things just they need to happen for these things to work, okay.

From 40:00

40:11Okay, okay, anyway. So I'd be like, Van Helsing, let's split up and interrogate them separately, and I'll I'll let them know that nobody will leave here until we've come to the bottom of this. You there, you four, surrounding the body?

40:25What's going on here? The nun actually turns to speak to you first. It seems as if Father Littlefinger has fallen ill to the point where he is no longer alive. It's a sad thing that happens, and we should get to the bottom of it immediately. I think I shall leave to make preparations. You shall not. I do mind, in fact. Quite right. You shall not be going anywhere. I have locked the doors with my special locks, and you shall answer my friend's questions or prepare to face the wrath of this nutcracker. And he pulls up the nutcracker and cracks a nut. I would take him very seriously if I were you.

41:07He's killed people over a lot less.

41:09Not that he's the murderer.

41:10We were upstairs when this happened, actually. This looks very bad for us, but you guys are the actual suspects here. Thankfully, not only am I a monster slayer, but I am also an excellent detective.

41:21So I will be interviewing you one by one along with my comrade here, sister brother I mean, uh, Van Helsing. And we will determine who the actual criminal is, the murderer, as it were, and nobody will leave here until justice has been served for Father Littlefinger.

41:37Well, I guess if this is our only course of action, we must follow it. I too would like to know who the culprit is. I bet it's that good for nothing swindler, Charlie Trot, over there as she's pointing to the middle-aged man with the slick back hair. And then he just gives her like a flabbergasted look, and then she continues to speak. Well, very well. Um where shall we start the questioning? Do you need me to stand somewhere specific in specific lighting or anything of that nature? I don't know how one does interviews like this.

42:08First we'll start with uh a group interview, as it were, maybe an icebreaker. So everybody go around and say who you are, what you do here in the Heron Vineyard Church, and uh who you want to be when you grow up. I'll go first.

42:25My name is Abraham Van Helsing. I am a monster hunter. I enjoy long moonlit walks. I am here because I was invited here from a vampire who is not a blood sucking vampire, but he kills other vampires, but he has very dark complexion, but you shouldn't hold that up against him because that's not how we do things in this day and age anymore. But that's me.

42:51Thank you, Van Helsing, who once again I would like to say is not a suspect in this investigation. Now uh sister and I gesture as if I'm looking for a name. You go first.

43:06My name is Hazel Montgomery, sister Montgomery to you. And then she'll kind of looks over at Van Helsing and gives him a once up and down look. I am an actual nun for the clergy here. I have been here for quite some time. I am second in command, directly under Father Littlefinger, and there's really nothing else to talk about. Obviously, this man was attacked by Charlie Trot there, and the quicker we can arrest him, the quicker we can all get back to our business.

43:39Yes, well, everyone is innocent and forgivable under the eyes of God, am I right, sister, at least until I'm done with them.

43:46Yes, I suppose you are.

43:49Okay, next up, uh Gardner with a brownish complexion of uh Mediterranean, perhaps debatable origin.

44:00C No that's not his real voice. He's not gonna speak Spanish. I'm sorry. Oh my god. Yes, see what? What is out with it? Hello. My name is Juan John Sam Jess. I'm a [expletive].

44:25I am a garden man.

44:26I tried the first time I almost spit out my drink, but I didn't. And then you because I thought you'd be serious with that, and the second time I did spit out my drink. [expletive]. Alright, sorry. I just got that all over my workstation. Go ahead.

44:39I'm sorry. My name is Juan John Sanchez. And I am a local gardener here. And I'm afraid to say that me and Father Littlefinger aren't on the best of terms right now, but I heard the scream and came in immediately. I still care about him. He is the father of our local parish. And I hate to see him in this kind of position, and I too would like to get to the bottom of who killed him.

From 45:00

45:09Thank you, Juan John Silver, or whatever your name was.

45:12Sanchez.

45:14Sanchez. We'll we'll circle back to you. I have a few follow-up questions, but next up, Brown knows her over there. Like the little kid with the mud on his nose.

45:24Oh me?

45:26Yes, you. Oh, hi. What are you doing in a house of God this late at night?

45:31Oh well, my name is Shane Dungruder. And I'm a a stable boy, and I tend to the father's horses that take the barrels of wine to the the town to be sold. And then I was I couldn't sleep. It was too dark out there. And when when it's too dark and my mom's not home, I don't sleep very good. So I I was awake, and then I heard the noise, and I came rushing in as soon as I can. And uh me and Wan John kind of came in together, and then we saw the body here. That's funny.

46:02Wan John didn't mention you at all.

46:04I'm afraid I was a little preoccupied with the murder of a local father here, excuse me. With the murder? Well, obviously look at him. And then like you kind of glance back down to the body, and he's just completely sprawled out and there's blood all over the place. Okay, fair enough, fair enough. And lastly, the Trot. What's your story? Oh, greetings and salutations. Name's Charlie Trot. I am a local businessman. I work in the town there. I just came up here to kind of repent for my sins. I am not that great of a person, but I am obviously no murderer of any kind. And that's when I came across the father here just kind of laying in a pool of his own blood.

46:48That's uh awfully convenient if I do say so myself. A trot to remember, as it were. Oh, that's a good one there. I'll remember that. All very suspicious though, so let me follow up with a few questions, then we'll do maybe like a lightning round where I pull you in privately, individually, and interrogate. But first off, Sister Montgomery. Why did I not see you at all my entire time here when I was with Father Littlefinger earlier today? Where have you been hiding, sister?

47:21Recently I just got back from some negotiations that we had with some locals, and since I am second in command here at the parish, it was my duty to handle these things since Father was to be meeting with you about, you know, the destruction of certain species on our planet. And then uh Juan John Sanchez kind of like gives her a side eye.

47:50Yes, yes, keep your political views out of it, sister.

47:53I'm talking about monsters, you idiots. These two killed monsters, that's how I know that they weren't involved in the murder of the father. I've already been informed about it. And I too have not killed the father. So if we can hurry up and just say Charlie Trot is guilty, we can go about our business.

48:11Fair enough, fair enough. I mean you are a sister working in this establishment, it would make sense that you would be here in the evening. So over to you, Juan John Sanchez. Gardening does not usually happen this late at night. What were you doing here? Why did you run into father?

48:28Well, you see, there are certain flowers here that bloom only at night, and those have to be tended to at night as well. They are actually very important to the wine that we make here, and since I am the most senior gardener on the premises, it is my responsibility to handle these actions. What's the name of that flower? Moon [expletive]. It's two round flowers that grow on a single stem, and they get filled with a type of nectar that must be drained.

49:02Van Helsing, have you ever heard of moon [expletive] before?

49:05Oh, absolutely, my boy. I love to just grab a moon [expletive] and pop one in my mouth every chance I get.

49:13Checks out to me. Okay. Little Miss uh Dung Rudder. First question. Why do you have mud on your nose?

49:21Oh, that's not mud. That's um uh how do I say it politely?

49:26[expletive]. Would you care to elaborate at all? I was running over here so fast I tripped and fell and landed right in a pile of Bessie's, you know, leftovers. And then I I was still in a hurry, so I got up and I ran. I didn't even have time to really wipe my face, and I guess a little bit got off my nose there.

49:43Okay, well you disgust me. So moving on to uh Mr. Trot, what did you come here to repent for?

49:49Uh he was actually trying to like slowly sneak away. And oh, um just now? Yes, he was. And then you like called back over to him, so he's probably like ten feet away from the circle right now. He didn't make it very far. Oh yeah, strong circle. Oh yes, yes, yes. Um yes. Uh Charlie Trotts the name. What was the question again? Sorry, I was a little bit distracted. What did you come here to repent for? Oh yes. Now, um, as I have may have mentioned to you, their good sir, um, I am a businessman of sorts, but not really. I don't make anything, I don't provide anything or anything like that. I kind of just move money from one place to another, and then then that's my job.

From 50:00

50:31And I repented because I kind of had a bad dealing, and a little old lady lost all of her savings because of me, and sadly she perished uh a little a little bit ago, and it is kind of my fault there, and I feel I'm downright terrible about it.

50:45I I do, I do, I really do, you know, and that's why I came into the church here. I lit a little candle for old the old lady Jenkins or whatever. I didn't even really catch her name. Like that's how that's how awful I feel.

50:57I want to roll investigation. Do I see a candle lit anywhere? Yeah, what'd you roll?

51:01It's a 13, yeah. Nah, [expletive] it. You don't need to roll. You can look around and see a candle. There is one candle lit over in the little spot that they do their little prayers and [expletive] over there.

51:11Well that chicks out to me, and I do love repenting for not being kind to little women. So couple hail marries, and you should be good to go. Sister Montgomery, why do you think Trot is the one who murdered Father Littlefinger? You seem very convinced.

51:23Well, because look at him, he is a criminal, and everybody in town knows that he is a criminal. He is surely guilty of murder along with other nefarious crimes. Um also, Nate, what is your passive perception? sixteen. Okay, perfect. And obviously he is the murderer, as we can all see. I don't mean to step on your toes here, my boy, but I'm afraid someone is missing from the group already.

51:52What?

51:52How could somebody be missing? And then I turn and do I notice somebody's gone?

51:57Yes, you do now that you are not just focused on the sister, and little Shane Dungrudder is gone. Oh [expletive], Van Helsing.

52:06We got a runner. Well, if that's not admission of guilt, I don't know what it is. Van Helsing, I'll take care of this. Uh I know you get winded if you do more than a light jog. You continue the interrogation, maybe split them up one by one, and I will go after little Dungweer. Oh, very good, my boy. You can count on me. I was gonna maybe roll an athleticism to try and like catch up to the little boy.

52:28Yeah, that's fine. Uh give me an athletics check.

52:30It is really high, total twenty-three.

52:33Oh, perfect. Uh, which direction do you want to go? Do you want to go up the stairs or to the front door or to one of the side doors or check the secret compartment door?

52:43Alright, I'm rolling an investigation while I'm doing this run to see if I can track mud or [expletive] that he might have stepped in or fell in when he ran away. And that's also a total 20.

52:53Ooh, dang, perfect. Yeah, you do see a trail and it is leading up the stairs. You were able to book it and you make it up to the stairs in no time. Up the stairs, there is just the one long hallway. There are the two bedrooms that you two D Hunters took, and then also there are a couple other rooms. Uh, let's say three total rooms besides the two that you were in. So five total.

53:16I'm gonna roll stealth. I don't want him to know which door I'm behind. And sorry, these rolls have been really great, but I I am actually rolling here. Uh, this was a Nat 20.

53:25Dang. You need to roll like this in our pay-to-win DD campaign.

53:30Oh my god, yeah. Anywho, uh, okay, yeah. So Nat 20, is it safe to say that like he can't hear what door I go up to?

53:37Yep, that is that is really bad. He rolled a six on the die, so there is no way he is gonna be able to hear you.

53:44Belmont is thinking he booby-trapped his room because that's what he does, because he is always very suspicious. So he knows nobody's in his room because it would have been booby-trapped and he would have been alerted. So he probably is first gonna check Van Helsing's room because he knows Van Helsing probably left it unlocked.

54:00Yes, as you walk down the hallway, Van Helsing's room is wide open. It looks like it was left that way. And you peek inside, there is clothes thrown about. He did a terrible job packing his things together. There is several fake mustaches and beards laying on the bed as if he was posing with them prior to being startled. And that is about it inside the room here, besides like some half-eaten food, and we don't even know where the [expletive] he got this food from.

54:27I'm gonna roll stealth and an investigation to just kind of like look under the bed and but like do it quietly so nobody can tell like I'm in there. Perfect. Stealth is uh 21 total, and then investigation 19 total. Dang, you're crushing it.

54:42Yeah, you stealthily move around the room, you don't knock over in anything, you don't trip or fall, you are smooth as silk. It doesn't look like anybody other than Van Helsing was in this room based on what you know about him being a filthy, disgusting human being.

54:59So I'm going to slip out of there without stepping on any of the nutshells that are all over the floor from him from his nutgrabber and his all of his nutcrackers.

From 55:00

55:08Yeah, you do that with no problem.

55:11First two rooms are checked out.

55:12You said there's three more rooms? Well, there's one on the left and one on the right, past your guys' rooms, and then there's one at the very end of the hallway, kind of dead center of the hallway.

55:22I'm gonna roll a performance, which I have a negative one on, and try to pretend like I'm making noise to go down the stairs. Like I do like the tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Oh, okay. And it's a 16 total.

55:35Oh, yeah, you're [expletive] crushing it, dude. So after you do that, you do hear kind of like a tussle in the very back room and then a thud. Okay.

55:43Rolling a stealth again. This time it's a 14. So sneaking down of that back room, trying not to be heard. Oh, perfect. You crush it.

55:52You don't make any noise, and you get to the door, no problem. Is it closed or open? It is currently closed right now.

55:59He's a kid, so I'm not like super worried about him, but he did kill, he potentially killed an adult. I'm gonna try to kick the door open. So roll in athletics? Yes. Yep. It's uh 16.

56:11Oh, perfect. That'll work. You easily kick down this wooden door and it bursts open. And the first thing in your sight is good old Shane Dung rudder currently hanging from the rafters of this bedroom, swinging from a rope. Oh [expletive]. Uh, does he look dead or alive? He is dead dead. Like it was a big force. Um, you've been doing enough investigation that your scores are good enough. There was enough force that that was probably the thud that you heard was him like being thrown from the top of the rafters and like the snap of his neck and everything.

56:51So he was thrown, it sounds like. Yes. Am I able to examine any like bite marks or anything like that? Oh, yeah.

56:58Give me give me a roll for that.

57:00Medicine for bite marks, maybe?

57:03Yeah, why not?

57:04Um, 19. Ooh, perfect. Also, give me a history roll. Okay, thankfully a bad role, finally, just to just so people don't freak out. Uh uh, it is a four.

57:14Ooh, okay, so you failed the history role, but the medical role you are perfect with. You can see that he was grabbed by something. It left these weird blackish handprints on his body. There are the black marks as well, kind of crawling up to the ceiling, and you can deduce that it is some kind of monster that has killed this boy, but you don't know what kind of monster.

57:42I'm gonna do one last investigation to see like, do I think this monster is nearby? Otherwise, if not, I'd like to run downstairs. I rolled an at one.

57:51Okay. Yep, you have no idea what's going on in this room other than little Shane Dung rudder hanging from the ceiling.

57:58I wanna use my whip and just like pull him down.

58:01Ooh, perfect. Yep. Just give me an acrobatics. Yeah, give me an acrobatics roll.

58:05My acrobatics is stupid high in eight. I have a plus nine to acrobatics, and it's a 13.

58:10Ooh, yeah, you manage successfully to crack your whip and it cuts the rope in half, and then as you pull your whip back, you are actually able to put your whip back completely on your hip, perfectly rolled up by the time you catch the boy's body.

58:25I'm gonna put him down, like do like the like close his eyes thing, and then I'm gonna make a sprint towards Van Helsing and be like, Van Helsing!

58:32Van Helsing, we have monster company! Oh, what do you what do you mean, my boy?

58:37And then uh as you rush down the stairs and turn the corner, you can see that it is only currently Van Helsing standing there in the center of the room.

58:46Van Helsing, where did you go? You you were supposed to keep them in your sight.

58:49Oh yes, I was going to do that, you see, my boy, but they both said they had to go to the bathroom really badly. And who am I to tell someone that they can't go potty if you know what I'm saying?

58:59Well, one of them is probably some dark monster who, in the time it took for me to run upstairs, snuck upstairs and killed the little [expletive] child. One of the three who will remain here is clearly a murderer and also clearly some kind of monster.

59:13I see, I see. I am not going to be what everyone thinks I am and blame Juan John Sanchez. I am going to definitely blame Charlie Trott. I think he's guilty. The nun lady seemed so adamant about it. Just as he's trying to give you his explanation, Charlie Trott kind of pops up from the benches there. Like that's where he was laying down and hiding out, and he's like, Well, I I'm not guilty, you know.

59:38I I didn't do it.

59:40And then also right on cue, Juan John Sanchez and sister Hazel Montgomery also come walking around like they were actually going to use the bathroom and they came back. What was the bathroom in outhouse back then? Or what was the case? I'm gonna say because this church is so nice that it had kind of like a a newish form of indoor plumbing. Like even in castles, like they would just poop in a bucket inside the castle, and then like somebody would have to go throw it out kind of deal. So something like that, where you didn't have to leave the castle.

From 60:00

60:17And I will continue to do an investigation from here.

60:22My boy, why do I get stuck with such a the disgusting, tedious job? Can't you make the small child do it?

60:30Firstly, the small child is dead, as previously stated. Oh uh, and secondly, the small child is dead because you didn't do the easier job I gave you, which was to just not let these people out of your sight. So, yes, go do the dirty work while I do literally all the work because you can't be trusted to do anything. Like a vein's like popping out of my head.

60:50You make a good point. I will go check those toilets with a smile.

60:57Okay. Let me roll in I'm gonna roll three insight checks on all three of them and just see if I can get a like a feel of their situation. First check for the sister is an 18. Second check for the Juan John Sanchez is a nat 20. And the last check is only a 10 for Mr. Trot.

61:22Okay, so you get perfect insight on Sister Montgomery and as well as Juan John Sanchez, but you were just a little indifferent about Mr. Trot. Okay. And the perfect insight is that they seem Yeah, with your with your deduction, you can see that um Juan John Sanchez has a little bead of sweat coming across his brow. Like he was in there putting in some work. Okay. And then um Sister Hazel Montgomery is kind of giving you a look like she is still irritated, but she came back, so she kind of gives you the vibe that she wants to find out who the killer is and like get this show on the road kind of deal, is what the insight you're pulling in from her. Okay.

62:14All of a sudden, with no uh warning, I'm going to throw a dagger and try to pin Mr. Trot to the bench that he was hiding behind. Pin his clothes to the bench or something.

62:24Give me just whatever roll you want it to do, like an attack roll. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The roll to hit is a total 20. Oh, sweet. All you needed was a seven. Easy peasy, you throw the axe, and Charlie Trot is like, well, what's going on? And it easily takes his jacket, pushes it into the bench, and he is like stuck there. He tries to move. Give me an athletics, fail. One more athletics, super fail. And he is stuck to that bench.

62:57Well, that seemed unnecessary.

63:00Alright, and now I'm gonna roll intimidation, and I'm gonna just try to go like crazy on him and be like, like, who is it? Where's your joker? Like type deal. Yeah, Rachel. Except I rolled a four minus one, so it's a three on intimidation.

63:16Oh, okay. Um, he was peeing his pants before you got over there because he was scared from the axe. But now he's kind of stopped and kind of warmed up to you a little bit.

63:27I think maybe you did it, but I don't have a lot of evidence, and I really I just want to get out of here, but I don't, you know, I believe in like being fair and not hitting anybody. So could you please just maybe tell me something that could help me solve this case?

63:41Look, buddy, you don't have to pin me to this chair, okay? I'm not going anywhere. I came here to repent. Oakley Dokley, we all know that it is what was Juan John Sanchez. He's the one who murdered this guy. He's the one who tried establishing that workers' union with all the the the vineyard people, you know, and I saw him earlier this afternoon getting into a heated argument with Father Littlefinger before you guys showed up.

64:10Jujohn, what was the argument about? I mean, uh Wanjon, what what were you arguing with Littlefinger about?

64:16Uh it seemed that he did not wish us to establish a union of workers here. I don't feel my people are being treated fairly, like second class citizens. Our housing is not as good as I would like. And because I care greatly about these things and have a sense of honor, our conversation got heated. And so you killed him. No, absolutely not. I would never resort to murder. He said the money was being saved for monster hunters, and that it couldn't go to us little folk.

64:45No, that can't be right. Um I don't think that was the case at all. Um I'm sure it was more for something personal that he needed and not uh to pay us, I say, and I like just like tap to make sure my money pouch is like still secure on my belt. Sister Montgomery, I still don't understand. What were you doing this late at night downstairs? Like why why were you here? Did you see Littlefinger die? Or what were you doing down here?

From 65:00

65:10As I told you before, I had just came into town, which might have been the reason this little Shane Dongrotter was still awake putting up my horse. I put the horse away with Shane. I came in to here, and it being late at night, I figured I'd check the books one more time before I went to bed, and make sure that my work was done, and that's when I saw Father Littlefinger here laying on the floor. Hmm, this is a real head scratcher.

65:38I'm gonna just roll, if you don't mind, maybe just like an intelligence check for like a mind palace moment, maybe a clue to come to me.

65:47Okay. Yeah, a raging clue.

65:49I roll just an intelligence and it's a seven.

65:52Ooh. So let me see. No. So you're looking about and everything is adding up. So you just really don't know who could have done this at the point. It could have been anybody, it could have been nobody. There could be a monster roaming in the church right now. It could be none of these people. You don't know.

66:15Okay. This might be unorthodox, but I'm going to try one more thing. And I'm going to like unscrew like a little my little flask, um, which is actually filled with some holy water that I got uh when we had come into the place. Um I had done that at one point or another. And I'm just gonna splash it in their faces real quick and see if any of them react to holy water.

66:33Okay, perfect. So you go to, I'm gonna say, because they're kind of all spread out. So you go to like Juan John Sanchez first and you splash him in the face, and nothing happens. But by the time you get to Charlie Trott, he is freaking out and he finally rolled a strength check enough to pull that axe out.

66:49Well, I I don't need this in my life. I'm getting out of here.

66:52And he starts making a beeline, he's throwing Bibles and [expletive] as he's going. He's getting out of there.

66:58I want to make a whip throw to like bind his legs and stop him. Ooh, perfect. Go for it. It is a nat 20 to hit.

67:05Holy sneakies. So you go to use the whip. And since you got a nat 20, I want to tell you this: you can feel something different about the way you're hitting it. It's almost like you hit an invisible force before you finally got to Charlie Trott, and it hips him in the back, and it doesn't hook him, but he kind of gets hit in the ankle and then like swings over to the side, kind of where all the stained glass murals are and stuff, laying on the ground.

67:35Mr. Trot, I implore you not to move. I think you have something to confess to. I'm your father now. Confession is in session.

67:44Well, I don't think any of this is necessary. I think I'm bleeding.

67:48And just like that, give me a dexterity saving thoreau. Ooh, okay. It is a total twenty. Ooh, you pass. Just as you're ready to interrogate Mr. Charlie Trott, the stained glass, all of them, every single one of them, explodes inward on top of you, and you are able to dodge the falling huge chunks of glass that are coming towards you. Sadly, Mr. Trot did not, in a large piece, comes shooting straight down and basically lops him like a guillotine.

68:24Holy [expletive].

68:27I look over at uh how is Sister Montgomery and Juan John Sanchez, sorry.

68:33They are both hiding behind uh the pews. Ooh, Juan John Sanchez is cut, but it seems Sister Montgomery was able to dodge everything fine.

68:44Is everybody okay? Something's going on. I I don't know. Fan Helsing! Fan Hell Sang, I need you. Yes, I'm coming, my boy.

68:51Oh my god, what happened in here? Did someone let out a a big toot and then exploded the glass? That happened to me one time when I was in Sri Lanka and I was in a glass house. And it was filled with methane in there, and I lit up a cigarette, and it exploded I I don't know why I'm telling you this. What happened in here? I don't know.

69:08Get down, get undercover. And we'll just listen, I don't think any of these people are the murder. I think there's another force going on here in the building. Uh also Mr. Trot's dead now too. Oh, would you look at that? He seems to have lost his head in a dire situation. Oh I make puns. Yes, very funny. Uh well we're all going to lose our heads if we don't do something soon. Oh, quite right, quite right.

69:31But it seems as if it's it's calm now. I don't feel anything in my bones that there's a monster here or anything like that, here nor there. The Mexican fellow is bleeding rather profusely from his cheek, and the nun seems like she's okay, and how are you okay? Did you get cut?

69:48Are you are you are you bleeding anywhere, my boy? I'm fine, I'm fine. You attend to the boy's wound and I'll check on Sister Montgomery.

69:54Oh, sounds good, sounds good. And then he rushes over and uh just rips off a piece of his pants and starts patting it on uh Juan John Sanchez's face there. I also have it in my notes, you never should trust the guy with two first names.

From 70:00

70:11Um okay, uh, and then uh I'm gonna go over like, Sister Montgomery, what's g we we need to get out of here. I don't think it's safe to be here anymore. I think Trot was in fact uh I don't know, I I I can't piece it all together, but something's going on here, and I think at this point we just need to get the hell out of here.

70:28I agree. This is sad, sad day now. Multiple murders here in my church. There's some kind of monster roaming about. But I wouldn't look that far. I think it could be Juan John Sanchez. I know I was wrong about Mr Trot, but it seems that only a monster would cut himself on the face like that in what just happened. Terrible thing. And did you know that he is also a known murderer here in the town? I whisper to you now, because if there's any way you can stop him, now would be the time to do it. When his guard is down.

71:05Yes, I definitely think the right time to strike is when their guard is down. And then I'm going to try to do a performance to Van Helsing and get his attention and kind of like nod that like it's the nun. Um and so the performance is it's pretty good. It's a well, it's a 14. Like, forgive me, sister uh kink in my neck.

71:30Van Helsing, could you help me with this kink over here?

71:35He looks at you and then like you see his eyes shrink down, like he understands. I know what you're saying, my boy. And he pulls a dagger from his pocket and he just straight stabs Juan John Sanchez in the shoulder.

71:53And I was like, No, what are you doing? I'm doing what you told me to do. I'm stabbing the Mexican. No, I wanted you to stab the nun.

72:02I'm saying that right next to her.

72:04Like, oh, well [expletive]. And just like that, you look back at the nun, and her skin is like peeling from her flesh, and she's basically transforming into a shadow demon, and I need you to roll for initiative.

72:21Awesome. Initiative is nine.

72:26Oh, you only got a nine?

72:27Yeah. Not every role is amazing.

72:30The nun did not do well. And then Van Helsing. Ooh. Got a Nat 1. So somehow you're still going first. Wow. But that garbage roll. So um Nun kind of like hovers there and flies a little bit. She's kind of like half ethereal, half not. She is a shadow demon, a medium-sized fiend. Now that you're actually looking at it, it kind of jogs your memory about the wounds on poor Shane Dungrudder. And you know what this creature is. What is it? Oh, it is just a straight shadow demon, is the stats that I follow from it.

73:08I should have known, sister.

73:09How could you do that? A child, a gardener, a other guy? This is a place of God. Are you even a nun?

73:18Yes, I can't believe she killed Shane, Charlie, the father, and now Juan John Sanchez. She murdered him.

73:30As he's cleaning his knife off his pants. She looks at you and then in like now her demonic voice.

73:38The dehunters will fall. This is known. We are everywhere that you see. We have infiltrated everything. Now it's time for you to die.

73:50So at that, I'm going to make my whip attack. It is a total 25. I have plus nine to hit.

73:59Oh, perfect. It's gonna be only a 13 to hit from now on, since you already hit, so you know.

74:04I'm going to roll damage. It is 12 damage. Perfect. I'll start with that.

74:11Perfect. You hit the shadow demon nun. She kind of screeches in a little bit of pain, but other than that, she is looking okay. And now it's going to be her turn. She goes flying towards Van Helsing. Ooh, he had a good roll. She goes to swipe him, but instead he takes the body of Don Juan and kind of uses it as a human shield, and she slices Don Juan clean in half. Or not Don Juan, Wanzhong. And that is going to be her turn. Now it is going to be Van Helsing's turn, but I used kind of his action with the body shield thing as his turn, so it's back up to you now.

74:50I am going to do my first tech, which will be the whip again. So I'm kind of just like dancing around, you know, to rebel month doing some whip maneuvers, trying to like get her down. She's floating in the in the in the air, right? Yes, yep. Trying to ground her a little bit. So continued whip maneuvers. It will be to hit. Ooh, it almost didn't. But it did. 23 total. It's gonna hit. I'll do roll damage for that. It's gonna be 14 damage. And I'm going to action surge. Just so you guys know, Trevor Belmont has 10 levels and he multi-class between monk and fighter. So he has, I think, four levels of fighter and six levels of monk. So now I'm using action surge.

74:50Now that I like hit her with my whip, and I'm gonna say this time maybe it kind of like wrapped around her a little bit. Then I'm gonna use my other hand to throw a hand axe. Uh that is going to be yeah, it's gonna hit first with the total 16 and then the damage. Uh five. Ooh, five. Okay.

From 75:00

75:51That's slashing damage, if that matters. So yes, it does. Because you notice with the hand axe, it didn't quite do as much damage. It didn't sizzle when it sliced her, like your whip does. Your magical whip.

76:05Yeah. And I do, you know, kind of like canon for the traditional like Castlevania Turbell Mot my whip is like the Morning Star whip, which does have an advantage against undead enemies. Yep. So I'll just kind of shout out like, Ditto help here, Van Helsing. Sorry, my boy.

76:20Did you see the way she cut Juan John in half? That was intense.

76:25Yes, we get it. She killed him, not you. Okay, now get in the fray.

76:29And then she goes to swing at Van Helsing again. I don't know why she's out to get him. Oh man, he is hit. His armor class sucks. So he is going to take ten damage. Van Helsing gets slashed across with like her claws. It cuts through most of his armor and into his skin a little bit. Ow!

76:53Not my nutcracker!

76:54And his nutcracker falls out of his coat and it's broken and slashed in half. And then he goes to attack now. It's his turn. So that would be seven, yeah, it'd be seventeen. And that's gonna hit. And you see the Van Helsing after his nutcracker got broke, his eyes kind of like start to glow a little bit, like of this eerie red color. And he manifests claws coming out of his hands. And I don't know how I got this. Oh, because he's a human ranger with a mark of finding, so I'm able to take a Kentra. So it's primal savagery, and his claw fingernails extend out, and it makes claws, and he goes to swipe at her, and he also cuts her back. So she slashed him and he's like, Well, oh yeah!

76:54And he slashed her right back. And that's gonna be one d10 of damage. And that is a whopping four points of damage. See, my boy, I told you I could do stuff too. And it's back to you. And remember for the folks at home, um, Van Helsing is only a level four human ranger.

78:00So yeah, he can only do so much. So I'm going to start, of course, with the whip attack. That's gonna be 18 total to hit, so that will hit. I will roll the damage. The damage is going to be 14. And then I'm going to also expend. I have some superiority dice that I can use.

78:22Ooh, yeah, yeah.

78:23And some maneuvers. I'm going to use one of my d8s and use disarming attack. So when you hit with a weapon attack, you can expend once period die to add to the damage and disarm the target. If it fails a strength saving throw, so roll a strength saving throw, DC 17.

78:41Ooh, she got a 19 saving throw, nothing on strength, so just a regular 19. Okay.

78:47She still takes the damage, I think, right? I just don't think she gets, she's not disarmed, is all. Okay. So the extra damage to the whip was only a one. I didn't roll very well on that d8. Then I'm going to use bonus action and a chi point. I'm going to use Flurry of Blows, which is two unarmed strikes. The first unarmed strike hits with a 16. I'll roll the second one before I roll damage. The second one also hits with a total 21. So these are just blunt damages. First one is only one point of damage. Oh my god. Second one is also only one point of damage.

79:27Okie dokie. And how is she looking so far? She is looking rough. Like you took probably three-quarters of her health down so far, if we're counting. Okay. And that is all I can do right now. Okay. So then now it is her turn. And then she goes to kind of move behind into the shadows, and she is going to try and hide. So that would be a 21 on her stealth. She is now kind of hidden within the shadows and moving from shadow to shadow. And that's just going to be her turn right there. And then Van Helsing is going to gauge the situation and see that he can no longer see her. So he is going to use what he has, and that is a prime evil awareness.

79:27So he burns up his last spell slot and he can kind of sense where any of these things are at. He's going to use his hunter sense. And I can learn whether the creature has any damage, immunities, resistance, or vulnerabilities, blah blah blah blah. So he's going to use that instead. And then he's going to call out to you, Light, my boy!

From 80:00

80:32If we have some light, we can defeat this she beast.

80:36And that is going to be his turn. So I am going to use my whip as an action, but not to attack. I'm going to use it to grab the candle that that guy lit, Trot. He had lit one candle for the old woman that he scammed. So I'm going to use my whip to like wrap around that candle and then like throw the candle in the direction she was hiding. And then I'm going to use a maneuver with this. When you make a weapon attack roll, you can expend one superiority die to add it to the roll before or after the roll. I imagine that's kind of a harder roll to make. So I'm still going to do my whip roll to hit.

80:36I'll add a superiority die, and then if that works, you can decide if that was successful. Perfect. Yep, go for it. Right. So okay, it is mega [expletive] high, dude. So I I can't imagine this doesn't work. It was a 24 and then with a three. So it was a 27 total. Ooh. With my whip, like a whip attack to like try to grab this and just toss it in her direction.

81:33Perfect. So with that, you whip out, grab the candle, do like a weird 180, and then fling the candle back in her direction. But with luck being on your favor, the candle overshoots a little bit and ends up landing in the oil barrels that they used for certain lanterns in ceremonies. And now the entire barrels have lit on fire and they explode, causing, let me see. Ooh, that would be just four points of damage to her. And now the entire back wall that was once hanging with tapestries, and all the pews in that corner of the room are now on fire, and then she is no longer hidden.

82:18Maybe with it too, some of the barrels that what was the little kid who was bringing in the wine barrels for Father Littlefinger, like some of those he had dropped off over there. So all those activities. Yeah, perfect. Alright. So now I can see her, and I can actually do have the ability to take an extra attack with my multi-class setup here. So I am going to uh do another whip attack and try to strike her. Go for it. Ooh, 14. I almost didn't hit, so it does hit. Ooh, okay. Damage is gonna be 12 again.

82:49Ooh, dang, okay. This shadow demon is looking rough. Bits and pieces are now falling off of her, and it looks like the bits and pieces that fall off are resorting back to the clothes of the nun as they're kind of shedding off of this demon beast. Once just like a shadowy, terrifying figure is now looking like a complete bloody beat-up pulp.

83:15And then I'm just gonna shout out to Van Helsing like, this is it. Finish her off, Van Helsing. For John Juan. Juan John Silver. Whatever he said. Sanchez. For dirty Sanchez.

83:30Yes, for dirty Sanchez.

83:33And then she rushes over to attack Van Helsing one last time, and that is going to be a hit. A critical hit. Oh jeepers. And that is going to take off. Wow. Okay, so he lost almost half his health. He is looking extremely rough. But one last time he is going to try and hit her with primal savagery. And that will hit. And a D10. And perfect. That is going to finish her off. He his eyes glow red one more time, and now that he is completely bloodied and battered, his claws extend out out of his hand, and he slashes her right across the middle, and she lets out this horrible howling scream, and her body falls and clumps to the ground and resorts back into the shape and look of Sister Montgomery.

84:22Dead though? Yes, dead dead. Belmot runs over to Van Helsing and Van Helsing, are you okay? Uh you actually you did pretty good, and uh what was it with that red eye thing you were doing?

84:33It's just a trick that I learned from some swamis, but no I am not doing good. I am bleeding rather profusely from my mids, and she broke my favorite nutcracker.

84:44I'm gonna roll a quick medicine check to try to like stabilize, dress his wounds real quick and stop any bleeding.

84:51Okay, perfect. And total twenty. Ooh, yeah, you crushed it. You managed to bandage him up and he's already feeling a little bit better and he's able to get up on his feet now. But as you look around, the castle is not or not castle, but the church is not stopping being on fire. It is now engulfing rather largely the place is burning down.

From 85:00

85:12Van Helsing, I don't mean to rush you, I know you're still hurt, but uh I think we should make like a tree and get the [expletive] out of here.

85:18I uh for once agree with you, my boy, a hundred percent. Actually, I agree with you all the time. Let's get the [expletive] out of here. And you guys rush out. The beams from the roof start falling in on itself because those are still made of wood and [expletive]. You both are now walking away from this burning church, and it's like the wind's blowing a little bit and it's working its way out to the vineyards, and now all the vineyards are on fire, and you see all the workers running and trying to put it out. Um, there is uh one lady outside uh yelling, Shane, are you come home, Shane?

85:52And then with that, I'll I'll leave like the lasting uh statement and visual is just Trevor Belmont looks over at Vent House and he's like, So do you think that contract is null and void?

86:01No, absolutely not. I have the copy right here in my pocket. And he pulls it out and it has a couple slash marks in it, but mm mostly it looks uh in pretty good shape. And also there was one more thing I grabbed from the body before we left, and he hands uh another piece of paper, and it is a nice well-written letter with the seal of Dracula on it, and it is basically instructions on how to infiltrate churches and different things during the day so that they can work their way into society and then bring it down from within. Holy [expletive]. This is bad pronouns. You're telling me that was my favorite nutcracker in there, and I don't have to tell you wood burn, so that thing is it's gone. My favorite nutcracker.

86:47And let's end it there.

86:49Oh, perfect.

86:50I loved it. My favorite, favorite episode so far. That was a good time. Thank you so much.

86:54Oh good. Oh, no problem, man. Juan John Sanchez.

87:00You piece of [expletive]. All right. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed the show, and we will see where the D hunters go to ruin things next.

87:12Thank you again, and uh see us at Wild Wild West Con. So thank you again.