Leave It to Beaverlon

From 0:00

0:00Just till you know, Daft Monks is half talk show, half actual play campaign that features adult language and topics. Viewer discretion is advised. Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents Daft Monks. Hey Nate. Hey, how's it going, Nate? You you look good for a dead guy. I know. This corona's uh it's out to get me. I'm like Neo out here [expletive] dodging bullets and [expletive].

0:31You know, uh yeah, honestly, you actually look and and sound pretty good. I think maybe this virus is like a weaker version, the strain. I don't know. What are your thoughts?

0:39I think so. The Omicron ain't [expletive] on me, you know? Like uh I could tell what day was it? I think it was Thursday night. I started getting sick, and I was like, man, it sure feels like when I first got the Rona, it feels like the start of that again. And then it wasn't near as bad. I think Friday and Saturday, the for the first time I got it, like I just get real bad body aches, and then that's about it, where like it's killing me. So it was like Friday and Saturday. I had body aches, but it wasn't near as bad. I could still actually move around. And then by Sunday, Monday, I'm back up hip and happening, you know. Not a hundred percent. I wasn't a hundred percent until probably yesterday. Nice.

0:39It can't kill me, Nate. It can't.

1:24I think they gimped this virus as soon as they called it Omnicron instead of Omnicron. Like I thought that was a cool ass name, right? Like O M N I cron. Yeah, but Omicron is just like, I don't know, not feeling it.

1:37It's like from Futurama, like I come from the planet Omicron Prisi I8, you know.

1:44I actually just tried rewatching that from the beginning, like two weeks a week ago. Oh, Futurama. Um, yeah.

1:50Megan is a super fan of Futurama. Really? Yep. When we went to uh uh to uh the Bumber Shoot Festival in Seattle, one of the things we had to go do was actually go sit on a panel where they introdu their latest season at the time or whatever it was. And we sat there and watched it, and it was pretty cool. They did a whole like QA session with the whole staff and everything. It was pretty cool.

2:15I loved it. That is pretty bomb. Futurama just has like such good, I don't know, a good reputation amongst nerds, among people who watch animated shows. And I wish I wish like the future shows have been or shows by the creators since then, because it's what Matt Groening, right? Yep. I felt like Simpsons is old and stale, and then Futurama was amazing, both before they brought it back, after they brought it back, because it got cancelled for a while. And now there's a show on Netflix called Disenchanted. Yep, yeah. It's hit and what are your thoughts? It's hit or miss.

2:44It's hit and miss. Like there are a couple episodes where I'm like, oh man, this is a pretty good show. And then the very next episode, I'll be like, man, I'm kind of over this show.

2:53Like I want it to be funny, and sometimes it delivers, but a lot like it's so close, it has the right formula and the right like like spoofing on that kind of whole fantasy, like kind of realm type deal. But just so many times I'm just like, I wanted to like it, but meh. Yeah. There's another show that made me feel that way recently, but I'll I'll share that later on. Um I did one other show I've been watching on Netflix. Oh, and I'm not gonna remember the name. It's an animated show, and it's basically somebody who works for like deep fake government.

2:53Like, she basically like it's just a Joe that like it makes me think of you because it's like all the conspiracy theories, and they just like it's an animated show about all of those, like they're all true. Like, like the president is a cyborg that they control and like Reagan they gave Alzheimer's, the moon landing was fake, and it was just like a space orgy colony that they just like directed by Stanley Kubrick.

3:45We all know it.

3:47Totally. Each episode's just like a lot of that stuff. It's it's pretty funny. Like the Oprah's part of the Illuminati, which is like the competitive competition for like whatever org they work for. So it was pretty funny. It doesn't like give itself room to breathe, like the jokes are just so rapid that you don't have time to like let them land, right? But it's it was pretty good. I watched the first season, maybe like eight or ten episodes. It was it was not bad, and that's on Netflix. Ooh, I might have to check that one out. Speaking of like things to check out, or maybe not. Have you heard about this game called Wordle?

4:19I have not heard about it until you brought it up earlier. And when you brought it up, I automatically assumed there's some kind of buzz going around it. So I opened it up and I solved the first puzzle on my fourth try. Four out of six tries you're allowed to do. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't see what the the deal is, you know. Like, is there really like a big thing going on with this [expletive] game or what?

4:45So yeah. So all right, so you hadn't heard of it, but did like once you got that like stupid squares with like the green and yellow, did you like recognize seeing that anywhere on social media? Like, because I see people, people share that just like you send it to me on WhatsApp, people share that on like Facebook now. You you didn't like stumble across that at all?

From 5:00

5:02No, and then to be perfectly honest, Nate, I try to stay off social media because number one, I don't want to get Nat One Presents into trouble, and I don't want to get myself into trouble. So I try to just steer clear of all that.

5:15I'll see. I live for the drama. We'll get into that more too. But uh no, I I definitely still kind of browse. But okay, so Wardle, it was this like it's been around for years. I don't know why, but it started to blow up. And the big kind of news story here now is that the New York Times uh purchased it. Whoa for like they said low seven figures, so what? That's like a low million or only a couple million or something, but pretty cool. And I know they donated a lot of money of their like profits to charity, but I think it's just kind of like you know how people like do their daily crosswords.

5:15Like this got popular, and the New York Times is like, all right, we're gonna buy this and make it part of like our kind of like our crosswords or whatever. So I thought it was kind of interesting, but I did today, it was also the first day I tried it. I was like, all right, Nate try if Nate's actually gonna try a word puzzle. Um, and like I I get what you said. I actually only got it on five out of six tries, so I guess I'm I am not the the wordsmith that you are, apparently.

6:12I think it's all just luck on whatever starting word you decide to go with. Like, because I always pick weird ones. So I started off with wrath, and then the word of the day was actually shard, and then I giggled at that because it's almost like shard, you know, and then me and Corbin are like uh gosh.

6:31I am uh I don't think you have to put a word in though, and I think because I I I spelled a word that I'm like, I don't know if this is a word, and accepted it, but either it was, it did just end up being a word, or you can just enter any letters, in which case I should have just done like R S T L N E, you know, like game uh Wheel of Fortune, and if that if it lets you do that, that's just dumb. Oh like so then how hard you have to like test it out more, yeah. But yeah, I don't know. Wordle, uh World of Wardle, uh fun stuff, I guess. If you like puzzles, check it out.

7:02Everybody, if you have a mom or dad or grandparent who likes puzzles, I like you'll probably already know what that is because I've been seeing it like constantly, like all over I need to ask my mom about it now because for the longest time we were playing words with friends, and she would think I cheated, and I'm like, I don't [expletive] cheat, I'm the best, you know.

7:20Oh, I love words with friends.

7:21Did you cheat?

7:22Sometimes I always like would straw, I I didn't need to cheat, but there was times where I'm like, Oh, I know I could get like 200 plus points with this combination, but I'd only get to like 150, and so I give in out of my curiosity to see like what you could do. Like, yeah, you know, and that is like cheating. Oh usually, like I'd already be winning the game or whatever, but I do like words with friends a lot.

7:44Oh, yeah. You can't help it because then you see the word, you're like, Oh, I know that word. I would have totally got that if I tried a little bit harder.

7:52Yeah, it's a lot of fun until you get a game where you are just like being really defensive, and so is the other person. So you're just doing like one letter on top of each other, and then it's like you just have like a big [expletive] square of letters that is hard to build anything off of. Like, usually it's fun to play people like who actually take risks and you take risks. But if you play with people who are just waiting for you to set them up for a triple word or like a double double word, it's like, oh [expletive] you, buddy. Like this is gonna be, I'll make this just as miserable as you want to make it. Okay, sometimes we are sometimes DD podcast. Um, I like to say.

7:52So today's hot topic is the Vox Machina anime.

8:31Ooh, how was it?

8:32Yeah, so alright, so we talked about like last week when we talked about it wasn't out yet, but then it it came out last Friday, I want to say. And I think just the first three episodes, and I made sure to watch it. And Nate, I I have opinions. I I think it's worth mentioning though that this show is unique in that not because it's like based off of Critical World, but it was crowdfunded on Kickstarter 10 of the first, I think 12 episodes.

8:58Whoa.

8:59On Kickstarter. So you have to keep that in mind that the show was literally like kind of paid for by fans for fans, right? Right. In my mind now, I'll give you kind of my impressions of the show. I watched it, it's kind of like it's it's well animated, of course. It's very like adult humor, so it's like a fantasy show with adult humor. Um, like they play ball tag, which is like hitting each other in the balls, like while like you know, doing their adventures and stuff. So, you know, like adult humor, lots of swearing, lots of like sex jokes, like jokes about anal beads, all kinds of things. I can get behind that.

8:59Fun for the whole family, but in my opinion, after watching, so I watched two episodes while at the gym, and then I was like, I'll go home and watch the third. And then after I finished the second, I was kind of like meh, I'll like get to the third when I get to the third. Like, I was not super like motivated. And the short version of my review kind of is it's probably a phenomenal adaptation. It definitely, if you love critical role, this show is a 12 out of 10 for you, right? But if if you're just like new to the series, you might also enjoy it, but I find it pretty lackluster. Ooh, as a standalone anime, yeah. For me, as this uh a standalone anime, it's a solid seven out of ten.

8:59Um maybe seven point five. Like it's it's okay. Um, but I would much rather I I was and then anyway, so I went on Facebook, right? And I posted in a dungeon dragons group. I said, unpopular opinion, Vox Moggin is just okay. And that group, which has like two to three hundred thousand people, and annihilated me. And I made a comment about how like if I want to like watch a show with D D, I just watch like Harbin Quest, and people were like, first of all, they don't play DD in Harmon Quest, they play Pathfinder, and like oh, they were just like tearing me to shreds and stuff.

8:59But the point just being like, I like Harbin Quest is hilarious, like yeah, I think it's like super fun, it captures like what playing is like, it animates parts, it has epic moments, but it's still like silly. Yeah, whereas this was just like this is exactly what I expect. Like, best case scenario, if if they you had you took your favorite campaign and it got animated, this like with adults, like this is what the show you would get, and that's cool. But it's like it's not written for television, it was written for a table game and adapted for TV. So there's no surprises, there's no like they start off in a bar fight, and I'm like, okay, like ooh, did they go to a goblin cave? Um, and then no goblin cave, unfortunately.

8:59But um, I don't know, I just felt it very standard. It's just it was exactly what I would expect. Maybe like it's like, yep, I've been to DD sit table sessions with a bunch of adults who make jokes, uh like adult humor, and that's what this was animated. Like, cool, didn't do it for me. And then I think like I was kind of hoping I don't listen to Critical Role. So I was hoping this show would like make me want to listen to Critical Role, and not the case. Like when I watched The Witcher, it makes me want to go back and play The Witcher or read The Witcher. When I watch Castlevania, I want to go back and play Castlevania. The show, though, does not do that.

8:59It uh I I see it and I'm like, cool, that's it. Right. So I know I've made many neckbeards angry. If that Facebook group was any any kind of indication I am in the minority, it does have a hundred percent on Rotten Tomatoes, which I think is ridiculous. It's a hundred percent, yeah. Get the I think that's yeah, that's ridiculous.

From 10:00

12:15Robot Jocks doesn't even have a hundred percent, and that's pretty much the greatest story of our time, you know. What yeah, percent does robot jocks? Don't even look it up, it's probably embarrassing. I don't want to see it.

12:26Well, like as comparison, like I think like like Castlevania is like a 94%, and then like I don't know what The Witcher has, but I doubt it has a hundred, like Fox Machina. I'm sorry, it's not a hundred percent, whatever. And in case you're wondering, Robot Jocks has a 42%.

12:4442%. Oh my god.

12:49That's higher than I thought, honestly.

12:51Yeah, it's perfect, I love it. But like if you're just doing, like you said, we're animating the funniest bits of our campaign and putting it into a show, like it's not gonna be that exciting, you know, especially like for me. I've like I've watched a good majority of the critical role stuff, and like to watch it again as an animation, like uh man, I got better things to do, like rewatch Mortal Kombat for the seventh time, and then play Mortal Kombat all day.

13:23Yeah, um, I'll I'll leave it. I think like if you enjoyed the show, you probably will enjoy it. Will you want to commit to watching it again? You Nate, maybe not. Most people, it seems like probably, but it's just it's an adaptation. I think that's like the thing to take away. Is like I'm not, I don't think like it's this amazing fantasy show. It's just um this was a cool way to see how they adapted a tabletop game to a show, but no major appeal, like broad appeal beyond that.

13:51Is it as good or better as our Batman sketch? Red Bush?

13:56I don't our Batman sketch is on another level, which is maybe a great introduction because that's today's activity. Uh, is we're gonna do some some Batman role play. For new listeners, Nate, you have an impression based on an impression of Batman, basically.

14:11Correct. It's uh what is his name? Uh Holmes? Uh Pete Holmes. Pete Pete Holmes, yeah. His impression of I think Bale's Batman, where it's very gravelly and low, and you should watch it. It's on the the funnier die, I think. The yep. Yeah. So go watch that. A lot of those are really good, but or college humor ones, yeah. So my impression of it of his impression of what Christian Bale thinks Batman should be.

14:38Yeah. It's uh it's good stuff. We have a couple different episodes in season one. If you want to check it out, check out I think Wayne Manor Menagerie. I think we have um what was it? It's like Arkham Asylum. Oh yeah, that was where we got Red Bush. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's good stuff. So today, here's what I'm thinking. So, what we're gonna role play is so you're Bruce Wayne, you're you're Batman, but you're you're Bruce Wayne today. Okay, and basically Alfred signs you up for a dating show because he's worried that you're still single, and you know, there's no one really kind of advancing the Wayne line, you know. So Alfred does all the serious stuff.

14:38So that's where we'll start, and then we'll just cut right to the dating show, kind of like the old fashioned. Do you remember like the match, not the match game, like it's where it's like contestant number one, where would you take me on a blind date? And they can't see the person, and then the guy's like, Oh, if I I'd take you to a bar and get you a beer. I don't know, like whatever. And then they pick at the end, they're like, I choose contestant number three, and then they like reveal the contestants. So that's that's what we're gonna do.

From 15:00

15:43Did you ever see? I know because I'm dark, but did you ever see the episode where the guy is a serial killer or he's like a killer on the show? What they didn't do a good enough background check, and he was like, a killer on the show, you gotta look it up. There's a whole thing behind it.

15:58Do do they find out on the show, or like she wins, goes on a date with this guy, and then he kills her?

16:04And that's how we found out. I swear I I don't remember the full story now. I think she was going to pick him, or she did pick him, but then they couldn't go to the date because he like got arrested before that, or something like that.

16:19That is amazing. And that's like a recent, we're not talking like the 60s. No, that was the 60s, 70s one. It was okay. Yeah, that's wow.

16:27Could you imagine that?

16:29You know, insert those like, wow, you really like the bad boys like jokes, like right? Like, if like like if I was like her dad, he'd be like, Of course he picked a serial killer, like he was an accountant, he was a lawyer, and you picked a serial killer. Like, good job, honey.

16:41I feel like that's such my luck. Like, God, you're such a loser, Nate. Like, you first of all, you had to go on this show to find a date. And then of the three people, you picked the one that's a [expletive] murderer. Like, way to go, Nate. You are such a winner. He might as well just murdered me, you know. Like that, I that at least I would have won something at that point, maybe some sympathy from people going to my funeral, but now I got nothing. I'm just a loser.

17:06I would not feel super good about picking a serial killer. Like, even though the show should have like obviously like done better background checks for me. Like, that chick has like clearly bad judge. Like, there never can you take a litmus test, and it's like you have bad judgment. Like, that's kind of like what that was. So weird. I'm on this show. Here we go. So we're gonna uh we're gonna roleplay and we'll we'll just uh we'll just start off with Alfred real fast because we never roleplay Alfred. Poor guy. Alfred. Like uh uh Master Wayne, uh I have I've set up your itinerary for you today.

17:38Yeah, what do we got going on?

17:39Uh well I've uh cleared your schedule. We are not doing any crime fighting today. I think it's time we address um a major lack of relationship or uh social needs in your uh in your life. No, I just got on the Facebook. I'm good. I got it. Yeah, yeah. You keep adding bots, uh I've noticed. And me over and over again, which I keep declining.

18:04She sent me a DM. She knows who I am. She says, hello Jack, it's nice to get in touch with you.

18:11Yeah, so that sounds good. You can play with the Facebooks when you get home, but uh I've decided, Master Master Wayne, for your own good, and and ever since really, you know, the accident with Damien happened, uh, where you didn't set him up with a seatbelt and he ejected from the Batmobile in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea.

18:29Oh yeah, I forgot about him.

18:31Yeah, my son. Listen, we you need you need an heir to the Wayne Empire, okay? You you you live a very dangerous life. What happens if you don't make it home one day? I can't progress the Wayne line, obviously. You I'm not. And on the will, I don't think.

18:48No, I left everything to you.

18:50But listen, no, you need an heir, you need a child. So we I set you up. You're going to be on a dating show.

18:56Alright. Like uh like prunes kind of dates?

18:59Like okay, like dates. No, no, I'm not like it's not like next or anything. Did you ever watch Next on Nim TV, Mr. Wayne? Yeah, I totally watch next all the time. It was outrageous.

19:12No.

19:12Well, you're not on that show. Uh it's like that classical kind of like uh the match dating game, whatever, you know. Uh I don't know, there'll probably be like three, three chicks. Hopefully they're chicks. I didn't really do a background check. Oh, that sounds about right. But uh yeah, you'll have three contestants, you'll pick one, uh, kind of blind, you get to ask them questions, we don't get to see them. You go on a date, probably you'll have children, and then I'll take I'll end up raising it, and you can go back to playing Batman, superhero, whatever you want, nonsense.

19:41Let me get this straight. There's gonna be four of us total thrown into this pit, blinded, and then whoever comes out on top is gonna make babies, and you will raise that baby. If I say yes, we go to the show. Absolutely.

19:56Okay, and it's like a little like an old fashioned Batman transition. And yeah, so it's like plays like the do do do like this week on uh the dating game Gotham edition, uh, we have uh Bachelor Billionaire Bruce Wayne. Bruce, tell us a little about yourself.

From 20:00

20:14Um I'm rich. I have uh personal life that you can't really know about. But other than that, I have a successful business that I got from my dad. That's amazing. What do you do in your business? I don't really know. I usually show up and yell at some guy saying he's not doing enough for me, and then he's actually really doing a great job, stand-up guy. But I just yell at him, call him a real piece of [expletive]. And then uh Is it the same guy? Oh yeah, every day. Every day. He's probably the janitor. And then after that, I take a nap in my office, and then I go back home. It's a great day, it's a great life.

20:50Great life indeed. Well, today your life is about to get even greater because we have three beautiful contestants, women, I believe. Not sure. We did not run the background check, could be serial killers. Anywho, you are gonna play a game. You're gonna ask questions to each each one of our three contestants, do like two or three rounds, whatever, and then you'll get to pick and be sent on an all-exclusive date slash vacation package with your selection. How does that sound, Bruce?

21:18So it's uh so it's a lot like Saw with a little puppet. Like, do you want to play a game like that, like that?

21:23No, no, we don't no, no Riddler, no super villains. I think again, didn't run background checks. Um, but I I think uh I think you'll be in for a surprise, Bruce. Um so why don't you go ahead, take a seat on the stool, and let's play the dating game.

21:42All right. Could have got a comfort stool. I mean, these are millionaire butt cheeks. You're putting these on $25 stool. What is this from Walmart? You just read the questions, Bruce. Alright, all right. Here we go. Uh just read off these cards you gave me. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Uh girl or can. Contestant number one. Hi, my name's Bruce. How are you? Uh what would you wear for a night on the town? Something black and flowy and brooding, maybe?

22:14Ooh, funny you mentioned that. Yes. Leather. Skin tight leather. Something real purty for you. Something expensive looking. Yeah, like I'm mixing meow noise. Like a cat in heat type deal. Alright, yeah.

22:27I know who you are, yeah. Alright. You sound like every other chick. That's that's who you are. Contestant number two. Um, what do you like to do for fun? Hey, I'm Bruce, by the way. Yeah. What do you like to do for fun?

22:46Uh I really like plants and working in my lab. Uh I'm kind of a nerd. Uh and I I tend to get bullied a lot by other people. Um, but yeah, just being out in nature. Oh, yeah, I get that. I I love nature. I really do. Well, what do you love about nature?

23:03Um the smell of smog, really, from my factories. It's polluting the atmosphere. I love that. Um there's a Swedish or something girl who I'm very fond of. She's very, you know, heavy-handed with the stern looks and the how dare you. She's my favorite. I love her. Greta, you know. But uh, thanks. Uh yeah. Um anyway, uh, contestant number three. Uh sorry, I'm not very good at this. Hey, I'm Bruce.

23:31Uh, is this Chopped? Am I here for Chopped?

23:35What is this?

23:36I I I thought I was auditioning for Chopped. I'm sorry, am I in the wrong place?

23:41Oh, there must be something wrong with with your microphone. You sound a lot like Bane, who I can't stand.

23:47It's me. It's me, Bane. Bane, what are you doing here? I I'm auditioning for Chopped, I think.

23:53No, Bane, this isn't grinder. I don't know what you're doing here. This is a dating show for me. I need to talk to the cat lady and the red bush.

24:01Can I can I leave? No? No? Okay. No, the producer shaking his head. I'm just gonna stay here, Bruce. Uh, to I mean I guess if you want, maybe just still ask a question so it's less weird.

24:12Fine. Question number three. If you were doing some kind of crime and some very handsome do-gooder thwarted you, how would you want him to thwart you?

24:26Well, I'd want him to uh give me a strong embrace. Gay and then I would want to pick him up and snap his spine on my knee.

24:37And then I would take care of him for a very long time until the venom wear off.

24:43Well, that sounds extremely gay, contestant number three. I don't want any part of that. Contestant number two. If um let's say I was on a bender all night and I came home and I accidentally took a big [expletive] in your rose garden, like uh, what would you do the next morning? Wait, why would you take a [expletive] in my rose garden? Because you know, I've been on a bender all night, you know, like fighting crime. I mean businessman stuff. I don't fight crime. That's for people other than me.

From 25:00

25:12I guess fecal matter can make good fertilizer. So I would forgive you, but ask you to prep [expletive] in the compost bin and also maybe not go on a bender and or just spend time with me. Uh yeah, I think that would probably be what I'd ask for.

25:31Oh, sorry. I I think you misunderstood. The uh the the [expletive] that I left in the garden was actually shaped like a middle finger. Would uh would that do anything for you?

25:42No. I sorry, are you supposed to be appealing? I thought it looks at the producer.

25:46No. No? Just rich? Okay Extremely rich. Extremely rich. Contestant number one. It seems I'm getting nowhere with two and three, who I'm pretty sure both have, you know, problems. Contestant number one. Um what are you obsessed with? Let's get down to facts here.

26:02What are you obsessed with? Expensive things, diamonds, jewels, relics, and getting into trouble, if you know what I mean. Oh, I know what you mean. I don't think you know what I mean. No, I have no idea what you mean.

26:20Uh okay, fine. Uh contestant number three. Bane. Yep.

26:27Yes, still here. I am here and waiting to audition for Chopped.

26:31Sorry, I'm just reading off the cue cards. Alright, now. How do you feel about unchecked vigilante justice?

26:39Oh, I'm actually pretty I think the ends justify the means.

26:42Uh, you know, I I I don't if if you're gonna cause the crime, then you'd gotta do the time. And if the time comes from a guy dressed as a bat, pretty weird, but then you know, so are you. If you're also in like a criminal, like I mean, I used to wear a luchadoria mask, you know, it was it was pretty weird. You know, we all have our things, so yeah, I think it's fine. Honestly.

27:02I'm glad you said that. Uh it turns out the last criminal Batman thwarted just looks like a run-down stepdad, you know.

27:15Oh, even the penguin.

27:16Yeah, that's him, penguin, they called him.

27:19Yeah, he's got it rough, man. He uh I think I saw him on the way here. He was he was walking on the street, his briefcase fell open.

27:28Bunch of homeless people took stuff from him, and then they didn't like what was in it, so they actually gave it back to him because they felt bad for him. It was uh it's very depressing.

27:36Oh yeah, I saw that. I had to pull over immediately and I went and pushed him down, and then got back in my car and drove off.

27:43I'm sorry. Um, is he supposed to be asking me questions here? I just I feel like he's talking to the guy he already knows, and he's supposed to be trying. I'm just I'm very confused, and I I thought this was a shot at love, Tila Tequila.

27:58Yeah, I used to watch that too. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Uh me and me and number three just have a lot of history together. I tried hooking him up with my companion [expletive].

28:10Oh my god, that's disgusting.

28:11No, it's fine.

28:12You can't say that on the air. No, that's his name. It's [expletive], Richard. I like [expletive] and expensive things. That's number one, just like purring at you.

28:24Rubbing up all over a red post. Like, like, like there's like a panel blocking her, but she's just like pushing up against it.

28:32Like, oh, that's disgusting. I could see it from the shadow on the other side over here. Wow. All right. That looks like uh what are we doing here? Is it a speed round?

28:43Final final round. You get one last question for each contestant. And then uh you have to choose, Mr. Wayne. Like who who will you take on a date?

28:50Uh, here we go. Final questions. Contestant number one. If you were to look me dead in my beautiful rich eyeballs, what would you say is your favorite animal?

29:04Um, I'd say the cheetah, I'm just she's honestly just like not answering a question. She just sounds like she's in heat and she's just like moaning a lot. Yes.

29:14Yeah. We'll get back to that later. Contestant number two. If I was any kind of herb or spice, what would you call me?

29:24I would call you a weed because you're just a parasite that grows where nobody wants and needs to be ripped out from the stem and eliminated from humanity.

29:35That's no way to talk about marijuana. It's actually making great strides in today's society and helping people with problems like anxiety or cancer. And if you're gonna have an answer like that, man, I I can't see being with you number two.

29:49Yeah, that's fine.

29:51Okay, contestant number three.

29:52Yes, yes, it's been here.

29:54What is your workout routine? How do you get so swole?

29:59Oh, yes, I see. I have a six-day split. Uh back, shoulders, chest. Uh, and I'm a big into subs.

From 30:00

30:07Uh major supplement guy. Used to be on the venom, not anymore. But you don't really need venom with some pre-workout, uh, and then uh protein shake afterwards, uh, and then vitamins and a couple other things, and maybe some steroids, you could accomplish everything that venom could give you.

30:25Oh yeah. Uh hold on. I'm writing all this down. Okay, protein shake, gotta check. And I got bored. I'm gonna have to go with contestant number one.

30:34Contestant number one is like just making out the producer. Like, she's just not even like actually producing the show. And then Bane's like, Oh, Bruce.

30:42So do you want to uh do you want to audition for chopped with me?

30:45I don't even know what that is. What's chapped?

30:47So do you actually not know what chopped is? No, I don't. No, oh [expletive]. It's like my favorite cooking show. It's um they get like a basket with four ingredients. Oh, chopped. There's like three rounds.

30:56Chopped, yeah. Oh, for some reason I thought you were saying chapped. Like lips.

31:03I was like because I'm gay, I had to be chapped. I didn't assume chapped.

31:10You [expletive] chapped. I'm sorry. Chopped. I know chopped.

31:19I mean, I I didn't have like my hands over my mouth to do like the muffled Bane voice, so maybe that's why. Chapped. Chapped. So I want you to give me a pitch for what the reality show chapped would be about.

31:31Okay, it's where um a person thinks that they're going on a dating show, but it's actually being ran behind the scenes by their ex, who is in fact chapped about their relationship. So kind of like uh, what was the Ashton Kutcher? Like a punked mixed with uh like the next with that 2005.

31:55Oh, yeah, we gotta go back to next uh for a minute. That was my favorite [expletive] like what a [expletive] disgusting way, first of all, to interact with people. Oh, to just be like to be able to dismiss them and they have to leave.

32:08That's like a girl sitting on the bus, right? Yeah, and like the more outrageous the better. He's like, Hey, my name's Zane, and chicks get moist when I walk into the room, ma'am moist.

32:19Yeah, and then she could just be like, next. And my favorite is when it would go really well, and then they'd say something and be like, Wow, so you're a doctor and and you cure children, awesome, and you don't like black people next, like like it would be like so good until like they would that was like an extreme example, but a lot of times it was something small. Like they would just be like, Yeah, and I I also uh really enjoy playing tennis, and they'd be like, gay, next, next, they would like have to say why they said that. It was so messed up.

32:44Oh yeah, man. So yeah, that was that's what chapped would be. Chapped. Yeah.

32:50I like that you used it as a verb, but I don't I think it's only an adjective.

32:54Are you sure?

32:55Oh no, there is a verb. Sorry, past tense, chapped. Like chapped later. Become cracked, rough, or sore, yeah, especially through exposure to wind or cold weather.

33:03Chapped. Your cold windy relationship led them chapped.

33:12I'd watch it. Couldn't be it couldn't be much worse than Vox Machina. So it's gonna be on a Bravo next season. Right after.

33:19Oh, because oh, because I because it's chapped? Okay. The gay shows are on Bravo.

33:26I think it's the only one that would pick it up.

33:28Nobody cares about straight people anymore.

33:30What is it?

33:31What's the actual there's an actual like gay network now? It's it's it kind of was Bravo for a long time, but not actually now. Logo, I think logo is like actually See, how do I know that? And you don't even know that. Hey, uh I don't know, ask your wife, riddle me that. I don't know. Well, that was a grand old time, um, or something. Let's go ahead and transition right on into um chapped mugs.

34:00The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our odds are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.

34:18I wouldn't quite say lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not, for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.

34:35So where we left off, Van Helsing and Belmont were in retirement, and they were living peacefully in this little town, but it got to the point where Belmont told Van Helsing he needs to get a J O B. So he goes into town, tries his darndest to get a job.

34:55To clarify, try your hardest meant right to show up at a bang, take your pants off, get dismissed. And then I I got a feeling we didn't really cover this, but I feel like after re-listening to that first episode as uh as I was editing, I feel like you killed the bartender. Um, which I don't think was like apparent to me while playing. But but listening back on the episode, I think Van Helsing killed the bartender.

From 35:00

35:21Um he okay. If I'm not being Van Helsing right now, yes, he totally did kill the bartender, and he didn't have pants on before he walked into the bank, if we're being fair, it's a hot day. He didn't want to sweat in his good pants before walking into the bank. So he tried those two jobs. Um, a bartender mysteriously dies in the bar, and then also two hooded beings kind of are in the mix. They give Van Helsing something to put on his best friend, but instead of putting it on Belmont, he puts it on High Pirate Captain McNibbles, his pet, and probably world-famous rat now at this point, and that transforms him into a ware rat. Um, he kills everybody else in the bar, Captain McNibbles does, and escapes. It was a tough battle.

35:21Van Helsing barely made it through. He he had a good couple punches in there, but he ended up, you know, getting knocked out. Hiding. He ended up hiding. Okay, he was hiding, yeah. And um the two heroes end up running into Blade, who is as cool, calm, and collected as ever. He's actually running a booth for some reason in the center of town. Oh, also the penguin was there. Um Blade kills High Pirate Captain McNibbles uh viciously and without even really thinking about any other suggestions, and then basically tells the fellows that things are not looking good, things are changing around the world, darkness is coming in and gathering. If we can, let's try to meet together in the one or two towns over.

35:21There is basically the chapel, Belmont, please don't be racist to our friend here. Like that's that all racing in my head. And that's pretty much where we're at. Sounds about right.

37:11I'd also just like another thing I pointed out after editing the episode, and maybe our listeners did, is that we called Dread Pirate Captain McNivles. I think we called him Sky Pirate, Captain McNibbles. And then High Pirate. So we just literally kept changing McNivell's name or his title every time. I know I mixed up High Pirate and Sky Pirate, but then you said Dread Pirate, which I don't think was ever part of the mix. Right. Or maybe he was promoted. I don't know.

37:37But um No, I've always if you go all the way back into when he was first announced, it's mixed every single time. Like it's between those four of them, I think it's High Pirate, Sky Pirate, Dread Pirate, and there's one more. I forget what that one is, but they're it's interchanging throughout every so that's a fun little Easter egg for you to go back and listen to other episodes.

37:58Absolutely. We do uh, and fun fact, we have a website, daft monks.com, and what I was able to do is so season two is all about the the Daft Monks, the D Hunters, but I actually was able to feature at the top of the website is the old episodes from season one that also talk about the Daft Monks. So you can go ahead and go uh if you're not sure which season one episodes are kind of like canon and and kind of like episodes about the Daft Monks, then go ahead and check check that out. Check those episodes out.

38:26Do it. It's a great time.

38:27All right, so where are we picking up today?

38:29We are standing here in the middle of town, right where we left off. And it's basically up to you, Belmont, where you would like to go.

38:38Well, I uh if I remember correctly, Blade gave us a piece of paper with an address. Um, he said he had uh I think contacts at a church in another town. Was that correct? Yes. Okay. So um Van Helsing, I think uh well, if unless you have any other business to attend to here, I think it's best we uh proceed to the church. And now hear me out. I know you don't have the biggest uh biggest fans over at the church. You in fact I think you were excommunicated, I don't remember. Um but we should probably go there and meet with Blade's contact and get the up and up on on what's going on with Dracula. I think it's the right thing to do.

38:38Um we need to get back at the people who who affected uh Treadnought pirate McNibbles.

39:24I agree a hundred percent, my boy. First things first, though, I need to go back to our cabin and acquire my disguises. Now, the church has been out to get me for quite some time, so I really would like my several fake mustaches, my gypsy cloths, you know, things to accent my features and maybe hide some of the others. Just things like this, you know, to get us through to the next town.

39:52Yes, that sounds agreeable. I'd like to keep my reputation by not being associated with your poor reputation. So I think this is a good plan. Let's go back, collect our things, and I don't think we'll be staying at the cabin um for a very long time. So grab what we need and let's take off.

From 40:00

40:07Sounds good to me, my boy. And what what's your attitude? You don't want to get all chapped. I wouldn't in the slightest. Very good. Okay. Now um, so take your time assembling my outfits and mustaches, and I think we're ready to head out. The town he gave us, uh roll of navigation check. I'll roll with you navigation to see what we got. Okay. So survival. Twelve. Oh, I just did a survival. I didn't do that. Ooh, I got a seven. So I'm gonna say you know where you're going. So the address that Blade gave us is approximately two towns over. We have to hit an even smaller town than the one we're living in on the way there. Got it, if that makes sense. And the name of that town is gonna be Beaverlawn. Beaverlawn.

40:07Yeah, like kind of like Babylon, but with a beaver instead.

41:05I was thinking like L-A-W-N, like it's just like a a lawn full of beavers.

41:09Oh, I would have liked that better. No, it's Babylon but with beaver, beaver lawn.

41:14Beaverlawn. Got it.

41:16Have you ever been to this town before?

41:17I've seen it on the map, but I have not once even crossed my mind to come to this backwater little dunk town.

41:25Yeah, I'm in agreement. You know, I would only come to a [expletive] town like this if it was in danger by some kind of monster back in the day. But that's been a long time, and I I've not I've never come stumbled across Beaverlon. Peverone.

41:40Ooh, I like that. Is that Italian? Ooh.

41:44That's sort of what they should have caught.

41:46Yes, molto bene. I just wish we had one of those flying black horses like Blade got on when he left, and we don't have to walk on foot. Could you believe him just flying off into the sunset like that?

41:59Yeah, you know, but that guy, you know, like I get it, you killed Dracula seven times. I don't even know if I believe him. I don't think he really did, you know? No, how the audacity.

42:08Yeah, how old could he even be? I understand the saying black don't crack, but look at him. He looks amazing. There's no way he's that old.

42:16It's like uh, you know, once you go black, no going back, but what did he go back from? I don't understand.

42:22Yes, that is a mystery perhaps we get into deeper later on. Go ahead and give me like a perception role there, Nate, or another survival if you want. I already rolled perceptional. Uh super high 23. Oh, jeez. Uh, you're walking along the the little road here. It doesn't seem like anybody's actually been walking on it for quite some time. Um, like carts and traders and things like that don't seem to take this road going from this town to this town. It seems like they'll walk backtrack out to the sea and then back up and around, but nobody really takes this road. There are also small little trinkets that you notice off the side of the path. Like in a pile or just like scattered around?

42:22Like scattered, hit and miss here and there, like somebody made it and then like put it out there kind of like childly, you know? Like I have children, I don't even know what the [expletive] children are thinking. So it's like something children might do. I don't know. Okay. Uh Van Hushing.

43:30Like I do see these little odd childly trinkets out and about.

43:34Yes, that one looks like a dolly. Yes, a dolly. A dolly. Yes, you know, a little child's play thing. Like you pick it up and be like la la la la la, you know, and then you go and like sit down. Yes, yes, a dolly. Who calls it a dolly? I don't Well, that's what we called it in my house, where I you know what? If you were gonna have sisters. Well, no, but my dad said I would never amount to being a man, so he forced me to play with darlies. That didn't happen. Got it. To you, my boy. Nope.

44:03Nope. Definitely didn't. I was training in the uh catacombs of the uh of the Bedamont estate. But regardless, um, I I find these odd to just be sprinkled out and about. Should we go look? You know how much big of a fan I am of crafts.

44:17I uh created the origami morning stars. By far the greatest creation you have ever made, my boy, is the origami morning star. Um, yes, I think we should continue along the path and keep following these things. They just do they seem to be growing more and more abundant? Do I need to pick them up and play with them? Do they need to have a tea party with me? I don't know.

44:39Yes, these are the the mysteries we need to solve. So I'm gonna just go ahead and I'm gonna walk over and investigate one.

44:45Okay. Uh roll for it. Give me a uh whatever you're doing to really if you're gonna investigate it or if you're looking for arcana or whatever you No, I I mean I noticed this is like a path, but they also look kind of harmless.

44:59So I'm I'm just gonna go for it. It's been a while since I've had oh god, it's a six for just uh regular investigation. Investigation, yeah.

From 45:00

45:07Yep. Um it's a bunch of twigs with some twine kind of wrapped around it, maybe a little bit of pieces of human hair, and then they're in the shapes of humans or little dollies, and that's pretty much all the gist you're getting from it. What's [expletive] craftsmanship?

45:24As a connoisseur of crafts myself, I would have never done this. Look at look how cheap this is. I'm gonna like split it in half.

45:31Oh yes. As you do so, like green smoke kind of when you crack it open, almost like a pixie stick kind of be like and then green dust comes out a little bit. Look at this piece of [expletive]. Look, it like that what it is made in China. Is that mold coming out of there? That's disgusting. And is that human hair? Is it from the top hair or the bottom hair? I don't know. That's disgusting.

45:56Just put it down and leave it alone. Don't touch them, then I think uh You know what?

46:00I think that stepdad in the town behind us was selling things like this, and no wonder he looks so depressed.

46:06Nobody's buying this [expletive].

46:09Yes, yes, absolutely. I could teach him a thing or two about crafts. This guy has not does he have any talents at all?

46:15I don't know. Things like this really get me chapped, you know. Anywho, onward and forward. Okay, so um you've been walking, we've been walking for quite some time now, and uh I'd say the town is getting closer. The uh beaver beaverlin, beaver babylon, but with a beaver is uh there's a sign, it's all run down, uh broken, looks creepy as [expletive]. Um kind of hanging off of one hinge. We come in. It's really only like two houses, it looks like here, and maybe like one little market shack kind of in the middle. Oh my god, why did we come through this, Chateau? Look at this. It said on the map that this is the only way through. We're in and out. That's all we had to do. We're not picking up wives here, my boy.

46:15We're just merely walking through. It's not that big of a deal.

47:08I mean, I I get it. I used to be an adventure, I used to sleep in the wilderness and under the cover of the stars and danger, but now I just if it doesn't have at least three stars, I won't stay here. And this is not even a one star, Van Housing. Not even a half a star, let's be honest.

47:24No, it doesn't even get a corner of a star, of a origami morning star, if you will.

47:31Aha, I see what you did there.

47:33I am very clever.

47:34So are we just gonna pass through then? Are we just we just like what and what do you mean you have to only inway, only way in and out? Do we just walk between the only two houses? Like it's like a portal gate?

47:45Yes, there's one road, a house on each side, a little shack in the middle there, and a little roundabout gate to kind of walk through. I don't I don't make these towns. I just look at them on the map. I never thought we were gonna have to be coming this way. Why am I getting so defensive about this town? There's one of two things we do. We either sneakily walk through this town because I don't want to deal with strangers. Because look at us, we look fabulous. They'll obviously try to bother us and maybe steal from us. Or we do the opposite.

48:16And we walk in and say, Hey, here we are. Adore us, love us, give us money, and we'll be on our way.

48:27Ah, yes, grandstand. Yes, whatever you want.

48:30Uh let's do the latter. Very well. Attention, people of Beaverlan Beverone.

48:41It's Italian, Malto Bene.

48:45We are here as the D Hunters, so please roll out the red carpet, for here am I, Abraham Van Helsing, and my best friend and cohort, Trevor Belmont. Thank you.

49:01It's pretty quiet.

49:03Unbelievable. It's like they've never even heard of the Daft Monks. This is ridiculous. Backwater.

49:08I told you it was backwater. Nobody even cares.

49:10Let's just walk through and get the hell out of here, piece of [expletive].

49:13Very well, my boy. Um, as you're walking through, give me a um one more perception roll. Yeah, sure.

49:21I do have pretty high perception, so it's gonna be 16. You don't notice it at first.

49:27And then what is your armor class?

49:2916 wasn't good enough? No. Holy [expletive]. Okay. Um my armor class is 17.

49:35Oh, okay. So that's a m. Uh, you notice it kind of zigs right by your shoulder, clips your shoulder a little bit, doesn't cause any damage, but definitely gets your attention. And it's a small like pencil dagger, uh just very thin piece of metal kind of hits you and tink, tink, tink, tink, and falls down. What the hell is that? Did you see that, Van Helsing?

49:58I didn't stay still.

49:59Oh should I talk?

From 50:00

50:01I I I want to say as you do that, you take like one more step just cuz like you can't like you can never completely follow a direction.

50:10You know that I can't stop on my left foot. I have a weak ankle. I have to stop on my right foot. You can't just throw a wrench at me like that.

50:19And then uh I didn't throw a wrench at you. Oh, wait, do you mean actually like just figuratively throw a wrench at you?

50:24Yes, you know what I'm saying.

50:25We don't get chapped about it.

50:27Roll initiative.

50:31All right. Oh my goodness. 22, my friend. Holy [expletive]. I I think it's a good time to address. So when we build our characters, because this is just a silly campaign here. Van Helsing is a much lower level. I don't even remember. Do you remember your level, Nate? I have my character sheet up. I'm a level four. Yeah, so and then Belmont is, I think, like level 10 total, because he's an actual monster hunter. So I have actually pretty diesel stats, and then Van Helsing kind of doesn't because he's kind of a sham. So I got stats and everything. Yeah, yeah. Um, so my roles generally will be good at not cheating, it's just actually I have a higher or higher level there. We and we just thought that made sense, right?

50:31They're not they're not definitely not equals in the physical like fighting department. Right, absolutely. Okay, so you do have um first turn. Did I know what direction that pencil dagger came from? I'm guessing one of the two houses.

51:24Yeah, I'm gonna be able you can discern that it did come from the one house, basically on the left side, not the right side of the two houses.

51:35Okay. Um, I'm just gonna, if you don't mind, roll a stealth and try to uh because I don't see an enemy right off the bat, so I'm just gonna try to approach stealthily. Okay. Like kind of like kind of almost like ready a dodge or something almost as I'm moving.

51:49Okay, I guess. Yeah, you can roll stealth. Uh the town's been overgrown a little bit, so it's it'd be easier to like hide in the foliage or behind. Yeah, I got a 14 plus five, so I got 19. Oh [expletive]. Yeah, you're good. Let me see. Oh yeah, you're way good. You are stealth. And then after that, uh, is that your turn right now? You're just gonna hold an action.

52:06Yeah, yeah, I'm kind of like holding action. That way I'll I'll dodge if something attacks or have advantage or something like that. Okay, perfect.

52:12Okay, uh Van Helsing is up next. And I don't know what's going on. Where did you go, Belmont? Oh, I hear you. Yes, we're being stealthy. I too shall try to roll the stealth. And that is a two plus zero. I too am stealthy, and I like I kind of just like squat down, but I got like bad knees and a bad back, you know. So I'm kind of just like, oh yes.

52:42You just like waddle like at a slightly lower elevation.

52:46Yeah, that's it. I probably drop down like four inches total. That's it. And then uh after that is the uh thing's attacking turn, and you hear rustling inside of the one house that is on the left, and then basically like hee-hee hee, like little child uh giggling, and then you see another uh attack go towards Van Helsing, and that is a seven plus three. That is going to be ooh, a miss by one. So you see another piece, a weird elongated ivory-looking dagger shoots out and chinks off of the back of his armor and misses, basically.

53:23So this time did I see where it kind of like came out from?

53:27Yes, you saw that um it came from uh one of the windows, it's just shot out of the shadows of one of the windows inside of that house. Are the windows like open? Like any like there's no glass boarded up or anything. If there is glass, it's like been broken out and it's not boarded up or anything, and it's kind of just open. But the inside of the house is dark.

53:48So my plan is as a monk, I have the feature uh deflect missiles. And so now that I've seen where it's coming from, I'm gonna try to go to it into like hitting me, and then I'm gonna try to kind of reflect like because I can basically like grab it and send it back and roll for it. Oh, perfect, yeah. So that's what I so I'm gonna use my action just to kind of like stand up and be like, come and get me, you sneaky piece of [expletive].

54:14Okay. And then you're basically readying your um missiles or whatever kind of deal. Reflect pistols thing. Yeah, okay. Um Van Helsing is Hey, I thought we were stealthing, my boy. Um Okay, I can do something too. Hold on. And he just pulls out his hand crossbow and randomly shoots it into the house. Disadvantage. Oh my god, that's going to hit four points you hear. Ow!

54:43Hey, no fare.

54:44I d'd you hear that, my boy? I got him. I got somebody. Yeah, it sounds like a child Van Housing. No, it's obviously a a dwarf man of some kind who's sniffing helium. This must be some kind of helium farm. This Beaverlan.

From 55:00

55:04Unlikely. Um, so are were you are we still like in combat? Yes. Yep. Okay. Um well And then it's going to be um it's yeah, it's that kid's turn.

55:16Yeah, the kid's turn. Um going to attack you. Um Belmont, my boy, and that's going to be a uh 22.

55:24Uh yeah, that that will hit, which is good. So I want that to happen. So now roll um roll damage.

55:31Okay.

55:31Because for this to work, I have to reduce the damage down to zero. Seven. And then I can double damage. Yeah, I roll one d ten plus nine, so the plus nine covers it. So yeah. So if you reduce damage to zero and have a free hand, you can spend one Kai point to make a ranged attack. So yeah. So I successfully am able to like whatever he shot out, is it like a dagger or something or a pencil, knife, or whatever? I like grab it with my free hand and then whip it back at him again. And my goal is to try to like maybe pin him to a wall.

55:59Ooh, okay, okay. Well, then I'm gonna say you are successful with that then. And he's like, hey, ouch!

56:05Let me down from here.

56:06Perfect. And I'm gonna make a run for it and like do some kind of acrobatics, maybe like through the window.

56:11Through the window? Maybe roll. Roll me an acrobatics check for that. You have advantage because it sounds awesome.

56:16First one was not good. First one was a 13, second one was an 18. Oh, an 18? Perfect. You yeah, you managed to tumble right in. And uh you see aha! I say as I like doing a sunshine through the window.

56:31Don't worry, my boy, I'm coming! And uh actually uh Van Helsing tripped in a pothole out in the front, and he took five points of damage to his bad knee. So he is down. He's down, he's down on the ground right now. Oh, what the heck? There it is.

56:53Imagine just that like Peter Griffin from Batman the Guy, like Yeah.

56:59So inside this worn uh ramshackle building, you see bones uh all along the floor, and what you have now pinned to the wall with his bone dagger looking thing is a very scrawny, let's say like eight-year-old kid who's got really sunken in beady black eyes. It's like let me down from here.

57:25What's your name, you rascal?

57:27Flynn.

57:28Flynn. That's a [expletive] name. That's a rock.

57:30Aw, that's my name. I'm Flynn from Beaverlin.

57:35Beaverland. Oh god, don't stop talking. It's just getting worse. It's getting worse. Why are you assaulting us?

57:40Well, I'm hungry, and that's that's what I do. It's what we all do here. We all. There's nobody else here. Roll a um perception check. Yeah, it is a 16. Oh, perfect. After he says this, you kind of do a double take around the room, and you notice that there are far too many human remains um and bones scattered inside of this house to be have all been from this one child. And multiple like laceration marks on the bones and things like that. Flynn, my boy, uh if I were to ask you a question, um, what is it you eat? No, whoever comes in Oh, sorry, I [expletive] up my voice there.

58:21Why, whoever comes into our camp. So we were going to eat you guys. Oh, you're cannibals. Maybe, you know, like some people call us children, uh, some people call us cannibals. Either way, we just call those people delicious. My boy, my boy, there seems to be a problem out here. Um, I'm surrounded now, and there's a bunch of hungry eyes staring at me with drool. That one's holding a fork and a knife, that one's putting a bib on his shirt. At least he's got manners. Help me, my boy.

58:59I want to like go and grab the kid by like his collar and then like unlike take out the knife and then like hold it to his throat, and then like walk up to the window and be like, listen to me, listen to me, you Gadimo children, beaver and residents.

59:15Give me one just athlet uh athletics or acrobatics check for all those actions.

59:21Oh, it's tremendous. 22.

59:23Oh, yeah, you crush it. He only got a 15. And then uh as you look outside, you see that there are about 12 other small children, all different ages, but all underneath teenager, all different heights, color, shape. Just all a bunch of different kids out here in Biberlan, all completely circling around uh Van Helsing, and they all look the same shape as Flynn there, all sunken eyes and all gaunt looking.

59:52Like, did they s are they stopped? Like, do they see me in the window with like the kid?

59:56I'm gonna say they all stopped and all in unison slowly look up to stare at you.

From 60:00

60:02Okay, children of the corn slash beerone uh residence.

60:08Oh, it sounds Italian.

60:11It is either your friend, brother, slash cultist, or Van Heless saying, you choose, but you only get one.

60:20Hmm. I don't know if they can hear you, my boy.

60:23This this one directly behind me is just making lip smacking sounds. If he keeps this up, his lips are gonna get all chapped. It's disgusting, really.

60:33Well, if you weren't so overweight, you wouldn't look so appetizing, Van Hedel saying, I told you to exercise.

60:38Well, that is not my fault that I fell in this pothole and my mouth landed on an apple. That is not my fault. You keep bringing this up and making me feel like [expletive] because of it.

60:50You like say that and then you take like a huge bite out of an apple.

60:56Like, I don't know how these kids are starving when there's just apples like a piece of [expletive].

61:06I whisper in the kids' ear. Uh and I'll roll like a persuasion while I'm doing this. Uh you're gonna tell your friends to call it off, and I will take you guys into the next town to feast. No, not that kind of feast, to like eat a ton of food. And we're gonna get you we're gonna get you homes, an education, and some some schooling. Okay? But you need to call off your friends right now. And my perception role or my uh persuasion on that. Um 11.

61:35Ooh, let me see. Oh no, he [expletive] sucked on that. Roll against it.

61:40Okay, well, I see where you're coming from. We just have to appease the oracle before we leave, and then we'll go on our way. The oracle. Yes, she's in the shed, not the other house, but the shed right in the center of town.

62:00So there's an oracle who just sits in a shed in a two-house village. And okay, nope, never mind, I'm not gonna ask questions.

62:08I am a child who eats people.

62:13So I'm still holding on to the K by the collar, and I'm like with the knife, and then I'm gonna like escort him over um to the to the oracle. Like, come, we we're going to uh parlay with the oracle. Van Helsing, they won't harm you. Keep coming.

62:27Alright, I'm gonna try to get up now. Let me roll for that. Nope. You hold on.

62:32It's gonna take me. You the small child, can you help me get up?

62:37They just kind of look at each other and like shrug, like, oh, what's his persuasion?

62:42Oh, that's actually not bad. That's an 18 for persuasion. I'm gonna say the little kid helps him up.

62:49Oh, thank you, my boy. You are a strong chap. Little little thin and gangly, but very strong. Now, um, I'm gonna go with you, my friend, and apparently your new friend, and we're gonna go check out this oracle business.

63:04You guys uh manage perfectly fine to get to the shed.

63:09Um Alright, this is it. The oracle's inside, you just have to kind of like make your peace with it, and then we'll go.

63:19Make my peace with it. I'm gonna roll insight on this little [expletive]. Okay. Because I don't really know if uh Belmont trusts going into a [expletive] shed uh to meet a supposed Oracle. Um that my friend is a Nat 20.

63:34Oh [expletive], he rolled an eight, so yeah. Um you hear like in his voice that he thinks that there is an oracle in the shed. You don't think that he's lying or trying to trick you or trying to get the jump on you or anything.

63:48Um I'm gonna be like Vin Helsing, limp over here, and I want Vin Helsing to come in with me, so I'm gonna like like kind of like grab him by the shoulder, like type of carry deal, and I wanna like limp forward into the shed.

64:00Okay, perfect. Uh you push open the shed door, cracks open. Uh inside, it's not a very big shed, it's maybe like three foot by five foot, and there seems to be some kind of shrine that is in the center of the shed room, and it is basically of like some ancient deity. If you want to roll for blah blah blah, you can on it, but if not, it just looks like an ancient deity that you kind of have seen before, but you can't place it right now without a good roll. Oh, okay.

64:37Um, I'm not gonna roll for it. I'm gonna say like I'm a little uh a little rusty on beaverlin uh historical figures, maybe. So uh I am what there's a shrine in the middle, you said? What do I see? Uh what does the shrine look like?

64:53The shrine is of a uh woman goddess looking thing, and it is holding um basically like grains and what do you [expletive] call it? Yeah, just grain, that typical thing you would see in her in her one hand, and in the other hand, there is a sickle, and then uh there is a plaque underneath on her feet with basically like it says, How dare you?

From 65:00

65:29Oh dear, okay. Let's see, it's one of these things.

65:32That's that looks like an ancient druid that I've seen before, my boy. It's very ancient.

65:37No, absolute sham, absolutely. All she does is convince people to get worked up and and apparently eat people. Unbelievable. This is this is an oracle, this is a sham. And I want to go like walk over and try to like kick the shrine over.

65:52Oh, okay. Give me a strength roll on it.

65:54That's how angry Belmont is about this sham oracle. Um, athletics? Yeah.

65:59You can no, you can. Do um just an ath an athletics check, not a not a save yet. It is an 11. Oh. So you kick it and it wobbles a little bit, and you can tell that it's not very sturdy in the foundation, but it wasn't just enough to tip it over.

66:15Look how cheaply made this is. I mean, it isn't even it barely even is standing up. I mean, here, come help me. We're gonna push this son of a [expletive] over.

66:23I don't think that's very wise, my boy. I mean, I just it'll hurt my leg and I just, you know, I don't mess with druid craft.

66:32I know you're very superstitious, Van Helsing, but do you really think this is a real shrine in a shack in a town called Beaverden?

66:41I've seen stranger things. I've once saw a pirate that was actually a rat, a rat pirate, and he murdered several clowns. I've seen it. That's not even the strangest thing I've seen. You murdered several clowns, fantastic. That was you. You say tomato, I say tomato.

67:00Is anything happening while we're bickering?

67:02Um more of the children are kind of walking up and gathering around the shed now behind us.

67:08I want to look at like that kid that I was talking to. I'm like, so what do you do? You pray here, or you what do you do? You sit here and say, How dare you? Like, what do you do to worship this oracle?

67:18That that's all we do. We we sit down, we really think about it, you know, in the environment, we think about that, and then like these thoughts come into our heads, and we need to kill the people who don't appreciate it, and then we eat them, and they go back into the earth, and things are great again.

67:37You just see this whole plan almost sounds good, except for the part where you eat people. Well, it looks like we have no core here. I actually have no qualms with the earth, and neither does Van Helsing. He's great. I mean, he ate that apple, but that's just you know, that's obviously he he also poops and and fertility and whatnot. Um so we uh we have no qualms here. If all you're concerned about is the environment, then we are friends of the earth and of this Swedish looking oracle, and I think we're good to go.

68:08The oracle says prove it.

68:10Prove it.

68:10Yes.

68:11Prove that we like the earth.

68:13Yes.

68:13How would I do that?

68:14Eat some of it.

68:16Uh what what do I see like around me on on like the ground?

68:20Just soil and grass.

68:22Uh Ben House saying, Will you take one for the team and chew on some dirt?

68:26Hmm. I've put a lot of disgusting things in my mouth throughout years that I've been alive, my boy, but this dirt looks extra gross. All these children are barefoot and they've been walking around rubbing their toes in this dirt.

68:41You think I'm gonna put that in my mouth? That's this that little one in the back is clipping his toenails right now and just leaving them in the dirt. That's so disgusting.

68:49Okay, okay, fine, fine. I pick up a rock and I'm just gonna lick it and be like, there.

68:53Give me a constitution saving. 14. Ooh, you pass. Nothing happens.

69:02Well why you're looking at me like I was about to pass out from licking that rock.

69:06It's it seems the oracle is letting you pass. So me and my group won't bother you anymore if you're gonna go into town.

69:15Yes, but what how about instead of not bothering me, what if you come and I teach you how to uh love the environment but also eat food? Does your oracle train you that you can actually grow food from the earth that you can eat?

69:30She doesn't give us any useful information. Just mostly complains at us.

69:36Well, that's not a very good oracle. I think you should come with me, and we could get you set up over in the next town.

69:42I don't know if the oracle would like that very much.

69:45Well, why don't you ask her?

69:47Okay.

69:48And then like the little boy sits there for a little bit, and then he looks over and he licks the stone. The same one that you licked, only he doesn't pass. And all of a sudden his eyes roll back and he starts convulsing. Foam starts coming out of the side of his mouth and [expletive]. Oh my god, my boy. I saw something like this in Sri Lanka one time. Just kick him.

From 70:00

70:10Or if you have a handle of a brush, put it in his mouth so he doesn't bite on his tongue.

70:14Well, the orco has spoken. I'm sure he'll be fine. Uh let's get out of here.

70:18Okay, and then uh you and Van Helsing manage to successfully leave, but on the way out you hear uh screams of children and basically like slashing noises and more screams as you guys continue along your path back to the new town.

70:38Do you think we did the right thing, Van Helsing?

70:41Oh, absolutely, my boy. If I was there any longer, do you know how swollen my ankle was going to get? I could barely take my boot off. Now, we need to get to this next town and get some healing medicine right away. Oh, the children, you mean? Nah, who gives two [expletive] about those children? They're weirdos.

70:58Okay, I just had to do a quick gut check there.

71:00Yeah, you're fine, I'm fine, we're all fine. We're monster slayers, not babysitters. Absolutely, absolutely. So now uh we're on our way, clear, to the next uh uh destination, right? Yes, to the church. The church that once threw me out, even though I am nothing but a fine citizen.

71:20Yeah, I could see uh I could see that.

71:22Oh, sugar [expletive].

71:24We're gonna call it there for the city.

71:25I think so, man. I think so. Um Nate, how did you come up with Beaverlin? It was a uh random town generator on kassoon.com. And it says uh Beaverlin. It's a hamlet. Population is actually 88, it's uh size three acres, and yeah, it gives me all this information just on a random generator.

71:51But I only use it for the name. I I like how you tied in nothing to that. You just call it Beaverlin and then have an Oracle environmentalist and cannibals, the trifecta about it.

72:02Well, the cannibal children actually came to me last night while we were watching some scary movies, and it was a whole little village of cannibal children, and I was like, I gotta use that in the story because that's great. I love it.

72:14I never watched like when I was younger, Children of the Corn was on, it was too scary for me, so I wouldn't I'd think right, I'd like turning it off, or I'd go in another room. But isn't that like the premise of Children of the Corn guy?

72:24I think they were just murderers, you know, because Satan was in in the cornfield and he was turning these people, these kids against their parents and [expletive]. But the idea of kid cannibals, that even sounds cool. That sounds like a 90s. Kid cannibal, like a 90s show I'd watch Kid Cannibals, like right after TMNT, you know? On Fox, no doubt.

72:46Yes. Well, thank you for another uh entertaining episode. I look forward to uh getting getting my holy on in the next city. Oh, yes, and maybe meeting the people who some people who actually don't like Ben Helsing.

73:02Ooh, right. Can can you imagine? No, me, no way. But just so the folks at home know, this was a little bit of a filler episode. I just got over COVID, so get off my [expletive] back about it. You're getting a filler episode before you get to more story, okay episode two, filler.

73:18Yes, we made it, we made it one episode.

73:21Well, I am sorry that Corona's out to get me, but I'm [expletive] blocking that [expletive]. Captain America with a shield.

73:26Boom. You're healthy, and that's all we care about. And thanks to the magic of editing, I'm sure I can polish this turd into something less stinky. Thank goodness.

73:38Thanks for listening.