Neither Heaven Nor Helsing, Part 2

From 0:00

0:15Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents the Daft Monks Podcast. Hey Nate, how's it going?

0:21It is going dandy, Nate. How are you, my friend?

0:24I am feeling great. You know, I got that tea flowing in my blood. I am just pumped.

0:31I was thinking about like asking you at like one or two month mark. Can you can you tell yet?

0:35No, not yet. Unless it's like a placebo effect. Like, oh man, I'm feeling great.

0:40You know, like it'd be so [expletive] if you did. Right.

0:44It'd be fine.

0:45I'm gonna ask you about it constantly on the show.

0:47I'll let you know as soon as I feel it.

0:49Like he's doing air fist to the screen. It's crazy right now, guys.

0:53He's all greased up.

0:55He lost all of his hair that he talks so much about.

0:58Oh yeah. His voice is getting high and squeaky because his balls are getting smaller.

1:04That is not I'm not talking about the balls, the hair part. That's like also a potential side like side effect, right?

1:09Oh yeah.

1:10So you're not having that problem. Yours is just turning gray.

1:12Oh yeah. I'm turning really gray. And Megan loves it. She wants me to be like a silver fox.

1:17I was just gonna say silver fox.

1:19Yeah, it's what it is. I almost had a breakdown the other day. I found two gray hairs in my eyebrow, the one that arches all the time, this one right here. And I'm like, what the [expletive] is that?

1:30Next to the uh Cro Magnum brow.

1:32Yes, and then the deep where's it? There it is right there, the scowl marks. The small vagina that creates on my forehead whenever I scowl.

1:44So you you almost freaked out though because you found some some gray hairs.

1:47Oh yeah. I'm like, what is this [expletive]? Like my body's just shutting down and giving up, like that Joe Rogan joke. It's like abandoned ship. We don't need to worry about hair pigment anymore. Like, we just need to keep this dude alive.

1:58I don't know, Nate. See, I think I wouldn't be rather be in your predicament of gray hairs than like it's all coming out. I'm facing like going bald. Like, so you shared your on tea, I'll share. I'm doing the hair treatment to like stop you from losing more hair, right? You can't regrow hair. That's not a thing, but you can slow or kind of close to stop the process. There's like two common medications, and it kind of just increases the like blood flow to the skin. And yeah, so I'm doing that to just like because like these corners are just going up and up and up.

2:29Oh, yeah.

2:29And I'm like, I'm looking like I'm gonna have like a mohawk, but not like a cool one, like a balding guy mohawk. So not not feeling that. So I would take the gray hair personally and get to keep the hair versus losing it.

2:41At what point would you give up and just go with like the dad cul-de-sac on top of your head? Hmm.

2:48Never. Oh. There's lots of people who pull it off in a great name. Let's be honest. Do I look like somebody who could pull off a bald look name?

2:56No.

2:56It exaggerates your other features, right? And so, like, if if you look at what's left, I have like stoner eyes. I'm gonna look like [expletive] breaking bad. Oh, yeah, Walter. Yeah, Walter. That's like what I'm gonna look like because I always look tired even when I'm well rested with these big [expletive] eyelids and [expletive]. So it's it's not gonna be good.

3:14Oh man, do you think if you were bald, people would come up to you on the street and be like, hey, hang in there?

3:23Oh god, that would be brutal. Survivor. I don't want to find out, Nate. So I'm I'm doing the treatment. I actually have to do it tonight. I'll probably do it while we're talking. Just like spray, spray my hair. My partner's like, You think it's working? I'm like, I don't know, but like I think I have a couple more hairs. Right. The point is at least I can slow it down or stop it. But the gray hair thing, not really a problem.

3:46Right. You got plenty of color.

3:48If we could just combine the parts that we have left of our hair into one person, he would have great, long, youthful colored hair.

3:55Grow magnum brow, stoner eyes. It'd be a mess.

3:59Okay, maybe not. Kill it.

4:01Great hair, though. Great hair.

4:05Imagine like Frankenstein, but with a [expletive] like pop.

4:09It's like great hair. Great hair. Don't let a little girl give them flowers, but great [expletive] hair, man.

4:19We somehow just jumped into tea and then hair. Uh this is all pretty un unplanned per usual, yeah. I guess we could move on though to actual topics, Nate. Um, you were telling me you have some exciting plans for May.

4:33Oh, yeah. So my cousin just texted me and said he is going to Utah or Utah, and there's an over-the-counter turkey hunt. And I would like to go with him. I have always, for some reason, wanted to hunt turkey. I don't know why. Just the idea of me picture this in your head, Nate. It's like the best quality hunting time because turkey hunting is different than any other type of hunting. More often than not, you are just going to sit at the base of a tree covered in camouflage and wait for a turkey to come by and then you pop him with a shotgun. And that's the the event. That's the turkey hunting. Like anytime I went hunting in Arizona or Nevada, it involves a lot, a lot of hiking over treacherous mountains.

4:33And you know, Nate, that Arizona is chock full of rattlesnakes and plants that want to kill you. God basically was saying nobody should live here in Arizona. It's 130 degrees out, and everything wants to hurt you. Totally.

From 5:00

5:36You're turns out you're being hunted while you're trying to hunt.

5:40Yep. We did uh the last time I did went hunting in Arizona, I did see a bobcat. It was just walking down the road, and I immediately thought to myself, well, I'm gonna walk the other way because I don't want to kill him, and he's just minding his own business, and he's an adorable cat. And if I look at him any longer, I'm gonna want to pet him. And then that's probably gonna be a problem.

5:58My coworker who lives maybe 10 minutes away, her house is like [expletive] Dr. Doolittle. She gets bobcats, rattlesnakes, uh, Havelina are pretty common. Like everybody gets some of those, but she gets them like one after another, like they're coming aboard the [expletive] arc, you know, and the floods coming for no. Like she just constantly has animals at her house just chilling in her yard. You know, like it seems like we're in like some kind of suburban area or that we're near like some kind of residential place, but actually we're 10 minutes from a barren field of nothing and a bunch of like things that are either poisonous or no, sorry, venomous that could kill you with you know razor sharp claws or teeth or rabies or anything else.

6:37I don't know how we got from turkey hunting to the dangers of parasites.

6:39Right, turkey hunting. Nate, so I had a question. You said over-the-counter turkey hunting. What is the over-the-counter refer to?

6:48So uh when you're hunting, you usually have to be registered in the state that you're at, and then you have to put in for a draw because there's only so many animals around, and you know how many um gun-toting Republican hunters there are, myself included, in that number. And so there's a lottery, basically, to see if you get drawn in order to go take an animal. And but when the animals have become a nuisance, they will have an over-the-counter tag, and then so you just show up at [expletive] Walmart in whatever state you're at and say, Hey, I am so-and-so from Nevada. Uh I would like to kill a turkey here. And they're like, Okay, sir, pay this much money. I what do you say? It's like 200 bucks, and then you just get it.

7:27You pay 200 bucks to try to kill a turkey.

7:29Yeah, Nate, I really want to kill a turkey. I've been now, this is top secret, but I don't know how good it's gonna pick up over the microphone. But I've been practicing on my turkey call for a long time. For probably since I've known you, I've been practicing it.

7:43And you're you're making this up. That's not true.

7:45I swear okay, here we go. Here we go. You ready? I'm gonna hopefully it picks up well on the microphone. Now, after the show, actually listen to a turkey mating call. I can't do the I can't do that. I can't do the I can't but the other part sounds exactly like that, I swear to you. If it picked up on the microphone. All right, okay.

8:15So in May, you're gonna be sitting under a tree.

8:17Making that noise.

8:18Making those noise. Yeah. And who who is the lucky man or woman who gets to, or is it just gonna be you?

8:25No, it'll it'll be my cousin, and then he usually gets a group going. So a bunch of us fellows out there in the woods.

8:31Are they gonna be weirded out by you doing that noise, or do you think they they have they learned it too, or will all of you be making that?

8:37No, so uh they'll actually have calls, and I'm not spending money on a [expletive] call. So they have mouth calls that you stick in your mouth that mimic that noise that I made, and they also have like a little box that you like scratch, uh uh uh and then it makes that noise.

8:54We're entering into like most dangerous game. Like, if you saw the first [expletive] The Incredibles, where he's like being hunted on that island with like a bunch of like super tech, like that's what it's like hunting is getting to of like you're going to kill something completely non-threatening, like a turkey, and we're going to give you the [expletive] giant spider machine from Wild Wild West to do it. Oh, yeah. It's like you you like paid the play in your favorite video game and are going in against like level level three players with like end-of-game equipment. That's what I feel like we're at on the hunting level. I don't know. Is that maybe just a poor understanding?

9:27No, I think that's accurate. But then there's also an understanding to that because you get lucky enough to get drawn, you don't want to be shut down for that. You know what I'm saying? Like, if you get drawn, I'm gonna take an animal and I'm gonna put meat in my freezer. So I'm gonna do whatever it takes. Like, I'll [expletive] go buy some horns, some [expletive] piss, then I can smell like piss, and then that brings in the deer and [expletive].

9:51Oh, you're not kidding me, battle.

9:52That's a real thing. Yeah, that's a real thing.

9:54Yeah, the hunting world, it's something I've never like, I I in, you know, as a cardsman, I I I qualify every year with a rifle. I I have shot weapons, but I've never gone hunting any kind of game or anything like that.

From 10:00

10:04Oh, it's like it's uh just camping, Nate, with guns. Because most of the time the animals are faster and smarter than you, and then there's always some guy you bring along who's never been hunting before, and he's like talking super loud. From my brother's hunt, it was actually my dad, and he was like listening to music and [expletive] while they're trying to walk the trail. And Mikey's like, What the [expletive] are you doing, man? Like listening to Pink Floyd out there, like, Hello my son, welcome to the machine, and the deer just [expletive] running off.

10:33Have uh I don't I don't want to turn this into like what have you killed, but like what kind of like game have you partaken in?

10:40Oh, so I've been on uh elk, uh whitetail, obviously rabbit, coyote. I've been dove hunting once, but I I'm not a big fan of dove. It's a lot of work in order to get stuff to eat out of it. That's pretty much it. I haven't been pig and I haven't been turkey, and I would like to do turkey for sure.

10:59And is there anything like particularly appealing about the turkey?

11:02Just because it looks like a big stupid bird, name like back in the day when they were hunting those dodo birds, I would have been right in line. I'd be like, look at these dumb birds, bam, bam, bam. Like, how are we gonna eat these things? I'm like, I don't know, keep blasting them.

11:17So anyway, I started blasting. Yeah. Nate, you got anything else uh you want to share? Uh any other movies you've been watching or gay [expletive].

11:27Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gay [expletive]. Now let's talk about the new Disney. Um, what was it called? Uh look up the name, Nate. Uh Strange Strange New World. Strange New World, I think it was called. We can verify. So yeah, it was called Disney's Strange New World. And it's a show about a guy who's an adventurer, and that's pretty awesome. He's a big burly, manly man. And then he brings his son along with him, and his son only wants to be a farmer. And it's like, okay, they get to a point where the son's like, Well, I found these cool plants, so we can go back. And the dad's like, No, I want to keep going. So then his dad leaves and he gets lost forever. Spoilers for everybody.

11:27And um, so yeah, the dad's gone for like 20 years, and then we flash back to the son. He's very successful. Everyone apparently liked his plant on the farm. His son is a flaming homosexual who has a crush on a local townboy, his father, tries to give him an edge up, like sees the the young kids over talking about a card game that they're playing, which is the the only setup for like later on. Like you get a vibe, like, okay, they're doing this for a reason. Like they wouldn't, there's no way that the interracial star of the show is also gay unless they're gonna bring something to the table with it, right? Like, there's no way in my mind that they're just gonna throw that out there. And they didn't.

11:27They actually put it there, and that's because they introduced the whole card thing, and then the dad comes over there. Blah blah blah. It's a fun adventure movie, and the kids liked it. Um, Corvin Strait told me because it was Disney that if it was too left, he was gonna stop watching it after 10 minutes. So we had a 10-minute window to where it couldn't be too left, and I don't know in his mind, Nate, what too left is. So it got to introducing the character as gay, and then I immediately make eye contact with Megan, and she looks at me and she's like, How long has the movie been on? And I'm like, Oh [expletive]. And I check the time, I'm like, oh my god, it's been 11 minutes exactly.

11:27But that didn't affect Corbin whatsoever. So obviously he doesn't count, you know. I think we're doing an okay job raising him. He doesn't count the gay side of things as being too left and extreme that he doesn't like it. So that was fine with him, or he just wasn't paying attention enough to give two [expletive], which I don't blame him there either. But all in all, the movie was missing a lot of stuff. It was predictable. You know how I like to predict movies. There was one point where I was telling Megan what they were saying, and the same thing, tale as old as time. But if you're into a kid movie, Strange New World, it's it's not bad.

14:12Well, I I you almost like turned me on to an act because I'm like, oh right, like very bold of Disney to do an LGBT plus character.

14:19Right. I know that you and David were excited about Luca, and that was only like a maybe. Like Luca was phenomenal. Oh, Luca was good, and then that that whole thing was like, oh man, is he gay?

14:30Like well, and he's not too honestly.

14:32Like that's that I thought it was so funny how much like like there was like a lot of uproar over that. And I'm like, no, they're just really good friends, and they're like little kids. Like, yes, we'd love to like imply it all the time because that's hilarious, but also like, no, they were just friends that were really like passionate about each other.

14:49Oh, in Strange New World, they are just straight out with it, like in your face. Um, the kid that he has a crush on looks like uh that silver haired fox guy on uh queer eye, like he has that same kind of haircut tan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what this pure silver hair?

From 15:00

15:06I love tan. You're just selling me on it like you're trying to tell me this is it looks exactly like that. I want to watch it even more.

15:12Yeah, it looks exactly like that. Tan guy is the guy he has a crush on.

15:15I'll check it out. Yeah, my problem is that like Disney, uh, usually when they make choices like this, it is very manufactured. Right. You know, kind of like the more recent Star Wars where you had a female lead character who you did nothing with. Like, like you can't just cast a female lead and be like, did it. Yeah. Like, we yep, we uh we're inclusive. Like, like, no, she has to be a like relevant main character that like is actually like someone you you cheer for and has like contributes to the plot in a meaningful way, and they did not do that at all. So Disney has a has a history of just like man, they like to manufacture nostalgia, they like to manufacture stuff like this. So we'll see.

15:15Um, I I got a feeling it's like, uh, do I try it? Do I not? But I'll I'll maybe give it a try based on what you told me.

16:08Fans of the show and know as well as I do that Nate hates pandering. Do not pander, do not cater, just make it a natural flow. And I think in this movie, it's close because at the same time, like, do they really need to say that he's gay and like has a crush on this dude? Like, not really, but at the same time, any other movie like this, they might throw in a little spot where, like, oh, he's got a crush on that girl, you know, like yeah. So, yes, I think it is natural enough, if that makes sense.

16:43I think the real test, because I like you said, I don't like pandering. So if Dave watches it and is like, I enjoyed that, then it's probably the right level and just like a healthy amount. And if I if he doesn't, then we're definitely probably on point that it is manufactured, as I like to say Disney does, but yeah, or like uh Overwatch, where there's no even story, but apparently every character is oh yeah, that annoys me too. And my because my friends are really in Overwatch. I liked Overwatch, I was just mad at it. But they'd be like, Did you know a [expletive] Australian chick? Yeah, Tracer. And I'm like, I mean, there's no like trace of it in the game except for this story you told me.

16:43League of Legends does that a lot too. They're like, Oh, this is an LGBT character. I'm like, prove it, right? Like, have their superpower make out with another. I don't know, like, not I'm just kidding. But like the same way, like, you can make a backstory, a wiki about your characters that say one thing, but that's not real representation, you know. Like, I don't want to have to read the footnotes to like you know, understand that where that person stands.

17:42So right, it's not natural, you know, and like it should just flow. And if it even is a necessary thing, I guess, you know, like when we first met, I it was none of my business. It wasn't the first thing off your mind. Like, oh, and by the way, everyone at the table, I'm gay. Like, whoa, stand back, no, you know, like nobody gives two [expletive] anymore.

18:06Totally. I get I it has stood with me though, Nate, that you said that people were staring at us at oh yeah, they were at the Renaissance fair. Because I like that's not how I remember that at all. I remember being uncomfortable because like we didn't know each other that well and we got like everybody else bailed, so we're like, oh, let's make the most of this day. But I do not remember any of that, and I don't like I don't wear like crop tops and [expletive], you know, like rainbow colored cloth apparel. Like I don't think I like scream it, so I was kind of surprised.

18:32I think it was all mean, A, because I did my hair and I always wear kind of tight fitting shirts, and then I also have uh I'm not gonna call it a condition, but it's basically a condition to where I'm drinking a very fruity exotic drink because I enjoy fruity exotic drinks, and I'll go like limp wristed, you know, like where's my camera? Like like that while I'm holding my drink, you know, Nate?

18:56And then I think that's just kind of like Jack Sparrow kind of where you're like, yeah, you do a lot of that, like a T-Rex arm.

19:02Like my wrists are weak, so my hand just kind of folds over.

19:06I I would attribute to it again because it was a little awkward of like, oh, we didn't know each other well. It probably looked like a [expletive] like blind date where we like, yeah, oh hey, nice to meet you type deal. Like uh because we'd only ever done like made like I don't think we even like D D we pretty much always jumped right into D D. Right. We pretty much started as soon as everybody was there. So we had only ever made funny voices in like fictional characters with each other. We had never actually done any conversation talked about like lives or family. So this was like a strain. So I don't know, but when you told me that story, I like told me I was like mad that day. I was like, really?

19:06Like what like what was like and that's just Arizona, I think. Honestly, people read it in like well, you we talked about like far left stuff. Arizona can be very far right in certain events and activities, so I don't know. But that one really stood out to me, man.

19:54I was like, oh yeah, I felt them looking at me, you know. I'm like, did they know that we ate cinnamon raisel raisin bagels out of Nate's trunk just a few minutes ago? Like, because that [expletive] was good, you know. Like, why are they judging?

From 20:00

20:07Right? Oh man. All right, Nate. Well, per usual, the 15-minute intro and 36 minutes, so maybe we can speed this up and get to the Daft Monks podcast.

20:19Onward to the podcast. The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our odds are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost. I wouldn't quite stay lost, misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not, for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you. Last time on D-Hunters, there I was, recapping my lifetime to my friends, to my co-workers, and to that fat slob, Ginch. I told them all about the time that I was a young Van Helsing and dealt with the loss of a dear friend of mine, an apprentice named Tall Square. That's me. Ah, Tall Square, you still haunt me in my dreams.

20:19And then after Talsquare, you know, I couldn't get over it, so I met this ancient druid named Greta. I originally thought, you know, she was gonna talk more, but when it happened, it didn't work. So, you know, we we move on, but she cursed me with eternal life. No big deal. And then, you know, I have ran into an alchemist who promised, you know, he could help me, not really kill me because I'm immortal, apparently, you know, like Highlander. You know, we don't talk enough about Highlander on D Hunters. If I were to go on a tangent and say, okay, no, I'm getting the I'm getting the finger, I need to continue. We'll talk later, folks, on Highlander, I promise. Now, Connor McLeod.

20:19So the alchemist gives me something and it ends up giving me the gift. And the gift like kills ladies, and it's terrible. It's it's awful. And he laughs about it, you know. I'm pretty sure he was German. And then I try to give up, you know. I hung myself a couple times from the rafters, and I'm just swinging there. Nothing really happened. Uh you know, it's a good good show for the folks. Finally, I ran across a spooky [expletive]. Now boys, boys, this was a dark, dark time for me, and what we're gonna see next might be the brightness that puts a good light on me. Like I'm sorry that Tall Square died, you know, and I'm sorry that I killed so many women with my transmitted disease, the gift.

20:19But things are looking up, I promise you. Ginge, hit that sweetheart music. No, not that one, ging. Skip the track. Next one. Sorry. Yeah, lay some funk on it. That's what I'm talking about. Ginger really gets it. Yeah, she does. She's a good gal, even though she looks like the backside of a wildebeest.

23:13The back side of a welterface.

23:20Oh, ging. Alright. Now, there were years and years of me spreading the gift. No longer going to this alchemist. I had given up on my life almost completely. Until I saw a machine. Zoltan, I believe, or Zoltar. It looks like a some kind of fortune teller in a machine. You had to put in a gold coin to get a fortune, and I wanted to be big, and it just didn't work out. You know, so then I immediately went to the left of that, and there was an actual fortune teller tent there. Very spooky. But so I walked in, you know, like what do I have to lose? I can't die. Ooh, Mr. Velsing. It's a Romani. Oh yes, yes, yes. Fortune teller, I'll be cautious not to say anything offensive.

23:20It's a new day and age, and I've been around a long time, so bear with me. Listeners of this story, Belmont and Naya, and Ginj. And pregnant donkey, who we've yet to name. But possibly in a future poll for Nat 1% Staff Monks on the Spotify app, there will be a poll to name that donkey. Yes, thank you, random mushroom voice.

24:30Who are you who enters my cheap carnival tent?

24:36I'm just a guy standing in front of a fortune teller asking him to love him.

24:42For the right advice, I can do anything. I could even tell your future. I've heard this before. Mister and he like looks down on his hand. Van Helsing.

24:54What? How did you know? You you're obviously very gifted.

24:58No, you wrote it down on the Zelton Broken Zelton machine, and I picked the ticket up.

From 25:00

25:03Oh, you could have lied to me. I would have been more impressed with the lie. But thank you for being honest nonetheless. I wish to know my future. Will I die? Will I have children? Will I win the lottery?

25:17My power comes at a cost, Mr. Helsing. It is real, despite me being around these carnies and other fake impostors. But it needs an offering. It needs uh a tribute of sorts to trigger. What do you have for me, Helsing?

25:33Let me check my pockets. I have um two silver coins, one condom, which I'd never use. I also have my pet rat. McNibbles, number one, because he's number one in my heart.

25:48Not number one, not the first rat you've ever had.

25:51No, this is my first one. I've you know, in my time I've taken to training rats and whatnot, I think, and the McNibbles is number one.

25:58Ah, yes, he'll do. Something you love, that'll work. And I take the rat and snap its neck.

26:03Like Oh my god, it was the only thing I loved.

26:07Well, good news, Van Helsing. You will love again. Twice. Oh well that's good. The thing you want most in life, Mr. Van Hilsing, an offspring, a legacy. You will have two children, and they will be fearless, powerful monster hunters. One far more so than the other, but I won't name names or give any identifying labels there. I'll let you figure that part out. But you will have two children, and they will be yours, and they will do great things. However, upon the birth of the second, a great darkness will rise over the land, and only if this darkness is quelled will you be able to ditch your curse. Not the present, I mean the the other one where you, you know, grow old forever.

26:52Uh-huh.

26:53And restore balance to the world and maybe have a semblance of a family. This is it. This is my prophecy.

26:59Hmm.

27:00I caught about twenty-five percent of that. You see, I have sudden hearing loss, and then there was a shiny flicker of that candle over there, but I think I catch your drift.

27:09Well, the good news is I've been working on the stained glass interpretation of your portrait for quite a while, even before I knew who you were. And so here you go, you can keep this. And I hand you a gigantic stained glass. Like three foot by three foot uh portrait, and it's like uh it's an illustration kind of of you holding two children around some blackberry bushes.

27:31Oh, look at that! Blackberries. Very nice. Oh, and me! With multicultural children, who would have thought someone such as myself would break the barriers and you know, produce multicultural offspring?

27:45I don't know when, and I don't know who, but you will find these two mothers of these children, and the they and only they will bear your children. Alright, it seems that be weren't the darkness will follow soon, and you must beware of its harbinger. He is not who he seems.

28:03I see. Well, I mean, I've been alone for so long. The only companion I had was my pet rat there, McNibbles, and you went and murdered him. So I guess, you know, why not have a little darkness if I could have some young ones running around I could play ball with?

28:21Beware, Van Hilsing. It is a great responsibility to give life, but to risk taking all life in that transaction.

28:28Are you saying you want to play the board game life with me? Like you want to be friends or or what?

28:33I'm more of a pouch easy guy, but lame, I'm out of here.

28:38Give me back my rat. Mr. Helsing, you killed another friend. Not now, Tall Square. I'm trying to tell my story to to these boys here.

28:53It's getting grounded in here, Mr. Helsing, with all your dead friends.

28:57You are right, Tall Square. You are right. And it's actually very hard not calling you short round, believe it or not, Tall Square. And with that, um the memory fades again, and we're back sitting in the circle.

29:17So okay. I'm just again, just recapping here for myself and possibly third-party omnipotent listeners here. So, curse with forever immortality. Uh-huh. And curse not to have children or offspring. Correct. In your desperation to solve this curse, you start working with an alchemist. Alchemist turns out to be a really terrible man of bad science, and he injects you with a number of terrible illnesses, one of which is the the gift, which prevents you from having any long-term relationship with any woman, and does not help you have any children.

29:51Correct. And I believe the alchemist's name, it it rings a bell. It sounded like Gerbils. He was like a German guy, maybe. Goebbels. That was it. That seems not relevant at all.

From 30:00

30:02Yes, okay. So then from there you search out a fortune teller or a Zultan out of desperation, and that's when you get a prophecy. Uh-huh. Perhaps a real one, of how to have your offspring. Even at the risk of bringing darkness into the world. That didn't scare you, Van Helsing.

30:21At this point, Belmont, my boy, I was so doped up in the unalcohol. Like I didn't care about anything, you know. Like I was like, oh, give me some kids. I I didn't think things through. Okay, Van Helsing.

30:34We need you to keep going. I know this is very traumatic for you, but Anai and I are very heavily invested in this story. So you figure out you can have two children. Were you given any specific details about that?

30:48Oh yes. Um the only thing that was really like spoken to me in a way was a stained glass mural was created after the prophecy. Like instantaneous.

31:01Belmont looks over at Naya and he's like, see?

31:06It had like one like little white boy, kind of pudgy and useless looking, a lot like me when I was younger. And then a very tan baby, very tan, very athletic. The baby had abs. It was very impressive, and dark flowing raven colored hair.

31:22Yes, but I but his voice sounded very whiny at an adolescent age.

31:26I'm sure you should have heard me when I was a youngster. I actually might have a spell scroll here that'll actually here we go, push play on that. Oh, my name's Van Helsing, how's it going? Oh yes, awful. I don't know why I carry that.

31:41Okay, okay, so you have this mirror. Could that perhaps have been, I don't know, maybe something that was displayed at Heron Vineyard, maybe?

31:49Yes, in the church there. I used to w work there frequently later on in my life. It's just it seems that even though I'm immortal, my memories still act much like everybody else's, you know. I can't remember [expletive].

32:02Oh, okay. So your your capacity to remember things didn't extend with your lifespan. Or was it that the alchemist kind of through his various human tests, kind of muddled that whole cognitive recognition portion of your brain? Exactly.

32:18What you said. Little bit of drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. I'm sure the alchemist had nothing to do with it. I'm sure it's just tail is all his time.

32:28Okay, so you knew you were gonna have some like children, one with abs and one, admittedly, on the thicker side. Fat. We don't have to go there and say those words.

32:39No, one had abs and one was fat, Belmont.

32:42Shut up, Naya. Okay. So then how did you go about it? Like you just start banging chicks again to see what would, you know, stick?

32:50Nonstop. Hardcore banging for at least, I don't know, twenty, thirty years hardcore action. My testosterone levels were depleted. It was awful. And then by that point, I started giving up again. I'm like, these kids aren't coming. That person in the tent was full of baloney. And not even the good baloney. You know, the kind of baloney when you're ten years old and you're overweight and you sneak into the kitchen in the middle of the night and eat a whole pack of bar ass baloney. Not even that kind.

33:22I'm more of a Oscarmeyer kind of guy myself, but yes.

33:26Yes. So is ginge.

33:29Guilty. Um nom nom nom. Where do we leave? I don't remember. I just remember baloney now.

33:36That's alright, I'll pick up again, Belmont. Don't you fret about the baloney. Now years pass. My memories have been fading. Still, no sign of any sun. Everything felt lost to me. So that is when I looked down at McNibbles and said, You, sir, have been living an abnormally long time for a rat, McNibbles, like how long, you know? And then I realized that McNibbles died. So I need to make new rat companions. I'm just standing there holding a dead rat, you know, and how long have I had this dead rat? I'll tell you, Belmont. It was just a little skeleton, but I still put a little smiley face on him, and some of them googly eyes, that way he can still look at me and he had that smile.

34:20So you're telling me that every time you have a McNibbles, you forget about the previous McNibbles, it dies. You maybe carry its skeleton for a bit, and then you adopt a new rat who you call fondly McNibbles, and there's been countless number of these.

34:33Yes, there has been one, McNibbles. He's immortal, just like I am. What? That's not what I said at all. Yes, you know, you say tomato, I say tomato, whatever gets me through the day. I've had a long life, my boy, and it's very depressing. So don't you tell me that McNibbles dies on occasion.

34:49Okay, okay, fine, fine. So you banged a lot of chicks, a lot of chicks died. That might have been coincided with the black chick plague of you know what?

34:58That that might have happened. The black plague might have been my fault after I bred approximately five hundred thousand rats because I was lonely and unleashed them onto the town. But after that, Belmont, Naya, this is important. This is where you come in. I'm listening, father. Nah, I wouldn't I don't say that. I don't know yet. So here we are, still remembering. I was wandering. You know I can't die, so I just was wandering, and I came across a lovely native village. Now, I of course was startled because I hadn't seen anybody for a long time, and so I jumped in some bushes. And once I was hiding in those bushes, a big flash of light appeared before me. Whoosh! It was like the sun was coming down on Earth itself, and it felt hot.

34:58I was sweating, I had the meat sweats, you know, ginge, ginge, meat sweats.

From 35:00

35:53Yeah, I don't I don't get those. I think that's like a side effect of the alchemy guy.

35:59Well, obviously ging is a liar. So there I was, meat sweating, and then the flash suddenly dimmed, and it almost came to like a person. He was very tall, probably seven, maybe eight foot tall, huge guy, ripped, you know, big old sun dress type thing on his head, it looked like the sun glowing, and he was talking to the most beautiful native woman I've ever seen in my life. And that would be your mother, Naya. Carry on. Yes, my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done. Now, obviously the sun god was no match for me. I'm a way better courter. And then so as soon as he left to go back to his temple, I immediately went up to your mother and gave her the look. What look are you talking about?

35:59You know the look. Like when you unbutton your jet chest a little bit, you know, your chairs are sticking out and it's looking all rugged and manly. No, I don't have chest hair. Well, obviously you don't get that from me. Now. I feel like a crazy person again.

37:12Naya, this is great. So there is actually a sun god. He's probably not your father, it seems like, but there is a sun god, he is real. I thought you had totally made that part up, and that Van Helsing had bamboozled you this whole time.

37:24Yes, Delmot, apparently that is fantastic news. Yes. The sun god was super ripped. Like, if I could be anybody's son, I wish it could be the sun god. You know what I'm saying, Naya?

37:38Yes, I do. Do you know how we could find this sun god, Van Helsing? I think he's kind of like the central character to everything that's going on.

37:47Um, so about that. Now, let's just say that's your buddy, Abraham Timothy Van Helsing. Let's say he found his way to the Sun Temple, and it was magnificent. I'm talking marble staircases going all the way to the top, huge golden braziers with fire just blazing. And let's say that the sun god wasn't so welcoming to some random immortal guy showing up at his steps, and let's just say he had an accident where he fell and rolled down the steps a bunch of times after a certain somebody who's now barging into his temple stole his lady.

37:47Like, let's just say all these things happened, and then let's just say, you know, on occasion some boys would show up and then you know the guy who accidentally killed the real sun god would have to like pretend to be a sun god. Like, let's just say that.

38:47No, I am I'm sorry, I'm here if you if you need me. You know, I to find out that your whole life is a sham and you know, Van Helsing has been pretending to be the person you look up to your whole life, and simultaneously is your father that must be absolutely soul crushing.

39:02I still can't believe it that a person as intelligent as the man sitting before me telling his story would also be intelligent enough to trick me and pull the wool over my eyes. Believe it or not. Yes. This man. I Belmont, I don't know anymore. I'd I'm very depressed. Have you ever been depressed, Belmont, besides when you were a fat young kid?

39:25Oh yes, in my entire childhood growing up. It wasn't just about being fat, it was about my father never being able to impress him. It was about my mother disappearing, ranning off some floozy who turned out to be my father, my actual father, and then my mother dying, and then I tried to go hunt monsters to prove my worth, and then my whole family being murdered by Dracula. It really just kept spouting downhill for a while until I met Van Helsing. Everything was pretty terrible, but he has a way of growing on you, my friend.

39:55I can see that. He's very charismatic, and the way he constantly flips off ginge is quite funny.

From 40:00

40:02Where is ginge anyway? I thought I've seen her. And we're gonna cut for a sec. The harp is like abandoned at the moment. We're in like a mind [expletive] vision quest thing right now. So she's like not present in your vision quest. And it cuts to like the actual campsite where you guys all are, and you guys are like drooling, just like, you know, like passed out by a campfire, and she's like off to the side and she's with a raven. And she is running down some notes and it says, Bingo, the target is acquired. Bingo, Van Helsing, Naya, and Pelmont, they've grouped together. You have everything you need. I believe they are coming to the same conclusions that you already know. I will be delivering the target to you. Sincerity, ginge.

40:02Then she uh ties into a raven and uh sends it off and like looks back to make sure you guys aren't like conscious yet, and then that goes back to the harbor and like.

40:55Ah, there's ginge. We were worried. Totally buzzkiller, you know, not having the tunes while we're trying a vision quest. My bad, babe. Just don't, you know, don't skip the beat anymore with those fat sausage fingers, ging, alright? You just keep plucking on them strings.

41:11Honestly, I'm surprised these things keep holding up. I thought they'd given out a long time ago. Pretty, pretty quality hop we got right here.

41:17Yeah, I can barely see you over there, but I'm sure your bloody sausage fingers are just oozing and pussing. It's disgusting, ging. Just keep playing. I'm gonna stop thinking about it.

41:26Okay, Van Helsing, let's get to the part now where you impregnate my mother. Uh so we actually uh here, I'll save you some memory. At some point, you go to the Belmont Estate. Did you know it was my mother? Was there a prophecy, or you were just like, hey, gonna try hitting on another floosie? Or maybe you were in love with her because of her her true magnanimous beauty. Like what what drew you to my mother?

41:48Her [expletive]. Oh. There she was. I was just walking by minding my own business. I had one son already. Naya, I remember now. The memories are all coming back to me. You are my son. So, anyways, yeah, I was just walking by some blackberries, you know, and then Belmont's mom. She had it going on. She was plucking those blackberries and getting all sweaty, you know, and just like, uh, you know.

42:16Yeah, okay. Well, I I guess that's okay, the fact that you tore my family apart and she was married to another man, but you uh ripped her away, and I guess that's not my problem anymore because I'm your son and not Victor's, and I'm still here, and that was pretty [expletive] up.

42:33No, no. You're not here, you're dead. And much like your marriage, you weren't there either. Ha ha.

42:41Okay, so at that point you're telling me you had two children, and then the prophecy came to fruition. Did you even remember the prophecy at that point, Van Hessing?

42:50No, not really. I was thinking, you know, like uh I made my second son something something, something, and then, you know, I decided just to go about my business. That pretty much sums it up.

43:02Got it. Okay. So you have two children, unless some kind of unknown darkness on the world. Is that Dracula, I guess?

43:12I think so. It could be Dracula, it could be daylight savings time. Like nobody likes that, you know? Maybe that's the darkness that's coming across the world. Like, really dark at 6 o'clock PM? That's [expletive].

43:26But then where does bingo come in in all this?

43:29Oh bingo, yes. Let me go back a little bit. Now this is in between Naya and Belmont. Okay, this is in the middle here. So I got really depressed again because, like, oh man, I had one son, I feel so close to having my other, and nothing really happened. So I fell into this bad group. You know, they call themselves Swamis. They're mystical healer men. They sold snake oil of all things. And I was like, ooh, snake oil, that could be fun, you know. So I really got into that for a while. And then Bingo, he was like kind of running the whole show. He was the main man, the main main man behind all of it. Bingo was. And he looked at me and said, Are you immortal?

43:29And I said, Yes, of course I am. And he says, Well, you are my new best friend. And I was like, Wow. And that's I met Bingo.

44:21Got it. Okay. Definitely don't need to go into any more detail there.

44:25So anyway, me and Bingo, we would start going from town to town, collecting things. You know how we first met, Belmont? Like that's what me and Bingo started doing. We'd go into town and be like, hey, Dracula's on his way. And people would be like, oh no, really? And I'd be like, sure as [expletive], yeah. [expletive] as sure as Hersheaburger's a town, you know? And then they would give us money to defeat Dracula, but we wouldn't defeat Dracula. We'd write him a letter. And then he'd fly away. Man.

44:55And that brings us up to the present where I started competing with you to actually win Dracula's rivalry and try to defeat him myself, and you thwarted me, and then I took your posse, we became friends, and here we are today.

From 45:00

45:08Yes, that pretty much sums up my life.

45:11Well, Dad. Maybe we should just stick with calling you Van Helsing. I think it doesn't feel right calling you that. I understand. Where do we go from here, Van Helsing? Uh I I guess Dracula is the darkness you've unleashed upon us, but then is Bingo a threat? Is he all set? Did you kill him? You usually murder people who make you uncomfortable, like Naya's dad. Sorry about it. So what? Bingo's all set and now we rush off to Dracula's castle to you end this?

45:41After you said uh what do we do now? Van Helsing started picking up like a baseball mitt and a ball. And then after you said uh go defeat Dracula, he just put it back down in a way in the side. He's like, oh. Um, yes, um, I guess we could go destroy the darkness. I mean, do we have to though? Like, can't we just hang out? Like, what if I went and took you boys to go get ice cream? Like, doesn't that sound fun? You know, some father-son stuff.

46:08And then uh suddenly Ginja is like shaking you awake, like Van Ezzing, Van Ezzing, wake up, wake up.

46:14What do you want, you great big ox? I'm trying to bond spiritually with my sons.

46:19You've been passed out for four hours, and uh I I heard some noises. I think we might want to get the group together. Get I I don't know if it's safe staying here any much longer. I I feel like there are eyes upon us.

46:30Ginger, look at me in the eyes. I told you, stop lying to me. Nobody's looking at you. You're a disgusting, hideous beast.

46:39Van Helsing, you have to lay off, Ginger, okay. She seems like a totally nice woman that you are just absolutely abusing all over. And is it because she's a female?

46:48Is she the first female in our group and now you're just gonna [expletive] all over her? Do you hate women, Van Helsing? What is your deal?

46:54I think it's because she's overweight.

46:56Yes, he gets it. Thank you, Naya. So what? Maybe she has some v Venetian sausages. What are those?

47:03What are they called?

47:04What are they V Oh uh the little tiny one? What do you call it? Yeah, the Venetian.

47:11So what if she doesn't know the difference between a Venetian or a Vienna sausage, okay? So what if she's been eating the entire time we've been on a vision quest and unconscious for four hours? Yes, she has some hygiene problems, but she is a good person and could stand to lose twenty to thirty pounds at the minimum, but that doesn't mean she is any less of a human being or a woman than anyone else. Ginz response? No, Van Helsing's totally right. I am an absolute trash monster human being who isn't worth totally anyone's time. But if I may, um, what did you guys figure out in your visure quest? Uh are we are we Gucci? Uh we know we we good.

47:11There's still this uh floating white spectral thing behind me who's been kind of making me uncomfortable this whole time.

47:54Yes, I'm still here, and the nelsinger's still a piece of [expletive].

47:59Well, you're looking at three of An Helsings now, so you're gonna have to be more precise. I'm going to vomit. Yes, I already did in my mouth when I looked at ginge. She brought ants to the top.

48:12Silence! It is time for you to address the darkness that you have unleashed on this world with your seed.

48:20I don't really like being called seed. My name's Belmont. Actually, I'm not Belmont. Ooh, can I be called Belmont anymore? No. No, I it just uh but it doesn't feel right because then if I call him Van Helsing and then I'm Van Hilsing, you could call me Trevor, but that just sounds, you know, I don't know, immature.

48:38Trevor! No.

48:40Hmm.

48:40Trey for?

48:42Hmm, no.

48:43Trey?

48:44Tre no, definitely not.

48:46Yeah, that sounds too inner city.

48:48I'm just gonna hold on to Belmont, okay? If that's okay, White Spectral. Whatever!

48:52The darkness is coming and you must end it.

48:55Yes, yes, I get it. We have to kill Dracula. It's not a big deal. There's three of us now. If we could we could honestly, me and Van Helsing did it once with a cripple old Dracula with just the two of us, I'm sure with Naya and his six-pack [expletive] abs, we can take care of it.

49:09No, Dracula's not the darkness, you idiot.

49:14Hmm.

49:15What? Then who's the darkness?

49:17Maybe it's a good time, Van Helsing, for you to talk about Bingo and you know his uh plant that you mentioned.

49:24Oh yeah, that may have slipped my memory. Did you guys know Bingo got hyenas? And those hyenas totally stole my bed, and then they [expletive] in my boots.

49:34Focus, focus, Van Helsing. Alright, sorry.

49:40Sorry. Um, come to find out, Bingo was all like, hey, Dracula, he sent up a [expletive] letter. Can you believe that? Like, that was our thing, and he sent him a [expletive] letter.

49:50Our thing is a bit of exaggeration, but regardless.

49:53Yes. Okay, so he sent up a letter that apparently was our thing, like me and his, not me and your, like me and his. He wants to take over the daylight, basically be the darkness equivalent by taking over the daylight, and then Dracula will run the night night. If that makes sense.

From 50:00

50:12No, it [expletive] doesn't make any sense, Van Helsing. Ginger, can you just give maybe g give us some kind of coherent butt- Yeah, I gotcha. Okay. So listen, so this bingo character, right? He wants to resurrect the sun temple, okay? And he knows how to do that, which apparently none of you guys in that entire visual quest could put together. But I guess if he has the two sons of Van Helsing, he can s resurrect the sun tower. Now that's what he thinks. I don't think Bingo has all the information though, guys, because I think he thinks that Van Helsing is a sun god and that's why he's immortal. He doesn't have that power, the tale there. And I think he thinks the two sons are Naya and his brother.

50:12So yeah, he's got Naya's brother in a basement.

50:55How do you know that my brother is locked away? Who do you really work for, Ginj? How did you get this information? And why is there a chicken wing in your armpit?

51:06Oh, sorry, dear. They get stuck sometimes. No, listen, uh, Fen Helsing, he told me he forgets. We already established he has terrible memory. He wrote down all of his notes. Look, right here, and see here's a little carrot, and it says, and also Naya's brother in the basement. So he's gonna try to resurrect the Sun Temple with the three of you and try to create uh an internal day that he can control everybody with.

51:31But if he's has an eternal day, then where would the night be? Where would Dracula be?

51:37I don't know, but this bingo guy, I think he's the darkness, guys. I think he's what we have to worry about. Dracula's the evil we know, and bingo's the evil we don't, even though Van Helsing does in fact know this person and spent a great deal of time.

51:50I was kind of hoping that I would be the darkness, like a new nickname. You know, it sounds kind of hot.

51:56Isn't that just maybe a little bit racist, you know, given your your complexion, calling you the darkness? I don't know if we could get away with that in this era.

52:03I mean, if I like it, why not? Look at these abs.

52:05Oh my god, here we go. If it wasn't a sun god, now it's a six-pack. Here we go, everybody.

52:10Back in my day, I used to have abs just like that, I swear.

52:13That was probably a [expletive] century ago, you old goon.

52:16Swear on your mother's lives.

52:19Silence! Bingo is the threat. And if you want me to go away and stop haunting Ben Helsing, the treacherous wife stealer, then you must stop Bingo before his scheme comes to light. I was a pun delight at the Sun Temple.

52:38I get it. And you can stick around, you're better than Tall Square. I'm tired of his ass.

52:43Only you can hear me, Mr. Van Helsing, but I am never, ever going away. Yes, I know. Or have I been gone this whole time and you keep imagining me?

52:54Yes. Quite. He's just staring off in the distance.

52:58Van Helsing? Van Helsing. Yes. Where is Bingo? We need to get to him. It sounds like we need to rescue Naya's half-brother? Are you also that guy's dad? I just am not clear. It kind of seems like you're everybody's dad these days.

53:13Okay, so let's just say that like time frame. Naya is totally my kid. I used to have abs just like that, and my hair is long and glorious.

53:25He looks nothing like that except for maybe the Crow Magnum brow that you both share.

53:29Yes, that turns into a small vagina in between his eyebrows. We get it. It's very embarrassing. I'm gonna get Botox later. No, but uh, you know, the sun god was still alive at the time when he impregnated Naya's mother again. And for again, I mean the first time. You know. So in a roundabout way, they're kind of half brothers, I guess.

53:55And that means Naya's brother is the real sun god. So if we save his life and kill Bingo, we can stop this darkness that's going to ensue, and everything will be great. I think we can write the whatever prophecy that was foretold long ago, and get rid of the special guy.

54:11Oh, good. Apparently all things will be fixed, except for Ginj losing that 35 pounds.

54:16Oh come on. I mean anything can happen, then Helsing.

54:20Yeah.

54:21You and I could extend our date into another date, into another date, and that we could be, you know, happily ever after. And maybe once the prophecy's broken, I can give you more baby Helsings, and it could be, you know, like that you put by the dozen, except the dozen's like two dozen, and the two dozen is actually my weight that I try to lose.

54:40Ginge, there are some days that I really, really wish I wasn't immortal, and that I could die. Like if I took a dagger right now and stabbed it into my eyes, looking at you, telling me this [expletive] story. I wish today was that day, Ging.

54:55Good God, Vin Helsing. We need to work on your attitude. Maybe we can find that alchemist in season two and work on how you treat women and people of different body types. You know, you're not lucky yourself.

From 55:00

55:06Doesn't matter. I'm a man. This is a man's world, baby. Now, how do we destroy Bingo? Did somebody already answer that? Was I not listening?

55:13Well, he's a human. I mean, it can't be that hard, can it? He's got three hyenas, whatever. Oh, but there are the Joey, three toe, three things, thingers.

55:22Yes, he has a whole posse surrounding him.

55:25Well, how many of those guys can be? I mean, we're trained monster hunters. We can take on a group of what, ten, twelve, twenty-four guys?

55:31Try three hundred, I think.

55:34I feel like it was three thousand, might be.

55:36Oh, there was another zero there. Try three thousand, Belmont.

55:41Great. So this bingo has an army. He's almost as formidable as Dracula, except he can actually go out in the night and the day.

55:48Kind of. You know, that's it's an army, but they can't walk a straight line, you see, because they only have three toes on their left foot. So they drift kind of to the left a little bit, so they have to overcorrect. So imagine an army that only walks in a serpentine fashion. That is the three-toed three things slingers. Jesus, who comes up with these things? Some idiot. I'm sure of it.

56:13Okay, so whatever. What? We get the uh we do we split up? Do we go in as one like kill team, kill kill squad six? We got Naya the fit, we got Van Helsing, the sneaky, yes, Belmont, the beautiful, and Ginger the Obese.

56:32Grotesque.

56:34And don't forget me, Victor the Spectrum.

56:38Oh yes. Also starring Ghost Dad.

56:43You know, Ghost Dad is growing on me quite a bit. He's been a better father to me in death than he ever was in life.

56:50He's just making up for it now because he was terrible, and I'm here, your real dad.

56:54Alright then. Let's all put our hands in the middle and on three uh try to take down Bingo and Groscherberger and his army of three thing, three-toed. What the [expletive] is this tad? Who are these people?

57:08It's the three-toed three thing slingers.

57:11I can't even remember that. That's fine. Let's get those serpentine soldiers and call it a day. Do we need backup?

57:19Do we maybe should we get backup? Do we do we have 3,000 friends anywhere? I have rats. Anybody else?

57:26Let me think about it. I could call upon the winds. Let's listen for a sec.

57:34Van Helsing, did you forget about me? And from the back walks the only other character we've come up with. Uh in black Leotard leather type deal with an eye patch over her head or her eye and uh some some women behind her, some sexy dames, as it were.

57:56Oh, how could I forget? It's the Soviet sisters. Yay, women.

58:05Yes, it sounds like you needed some kind of female protagonist to make you not come out as a sexist bigot. So here I am. To save the day, figuratively and not quite so figuratively. It sounds like you are in need of what is left of the Soviet sisters. We had 400 strong, and then that guy over there made a mess of our hideout, and now we are down to 396 Soviet sisters. Every sister is precious. But we will help you because we don't like bingo, we don't like Dracula, and we want to run our own crime syndicate. So we will take care of the three toed three things thing as I think they are called, and you guys can take care of Bingo.

58:53That sounds like a plan to me, um lady of the night. Anastasia Notkrakonov. Yes, how could I forget your name? Of course I didn't forget it. I am a gentleman and not a bigot or a pig, as you would say. I remember your name, lady.

59:09Oh. Hey Anastasia. I thought you had died in that whole encounter, and you know, that maybe there would be no competition for Van Helsing's affections going forward. You thought the wrong, ginger, but good to see you, fat chick.

59:27Yes, everybody hates ginger. All of a sudden the pregnant donkey comes busting out of the woods and like just right in ginger's face. Yes, even that donkey hates ginger.

59:43What's the line from Fellowship of the Ring at the end where they're like, so we have ourselves a fellowship or whatever?

59:49Like Yeah, you have my axe and my bow. Yeah. And my pregnant donkey.

59:58And with that, it sounds like a finale is in the horizon.

From 60:00

60:03It's coming. It's coming.

60:05Thank you for uh you have survived two episodes of History of Van Helsing. If I never let Nate run an episode again, we won't need to do a two-part recon uh surgical reconstruction of the past story. So uh we'll try to do more roleplay in the future and may the editing be kind to us.

60:26Yes, I hope so, because it is getting rough. I'm actually starting to hate the sound of Van Helsing's voice, and he's one of my favorite characters.

60:36I think it just goes to show. Nate, I think maybe we can uh wrap up season two in the near future and maybe uh do some fun.

60:44Nat one presents shenanigans from season one and then jump back into the next season. Oh yeah. Which I already had plans for, but I'm not gonna tell you because you'll ruin them. You'll ruin them in this next one to four episode conclusion. That I I don't even want you to get wind of what I have planned, and then that way, no harm, no foul.

61:02Will the D Hunter survive the night? Will they make it to another episode or two or three or four? Stay tuned and find out.

61:11Excellent, Nate. Uh well, if you're listening, thanks for making it as always. Be love that you love our show. Feel free to share an episode on social media. That is the best way to help us grow because the algorithm does not give two [expletive] about Dev Monks. I can tell you that right now. And if you are in the Arizona region or the Phoenix Greater Area, hit us up at PhoenixFan Fusion. We'll be in a booth outside the exhibition hall giving away free [expletive]. Free [expletive] alert. Free [expletive] alert. But owner. Grand prize giving away a uh team deck with max capacity.

61:45That's pretty [expletive] fancy. Murder fancy.

61:48And then we'll definitely be giving out to anyone who gives us a follow on Spotify or on any podcast app. We'll be giving out free dice and [expletive] like that. So come check it out. Spin the wheel, wheel, wheel of prizes. And also, Nate has convinced me we may or may not have free stickers that uh pregnant donkeys on them. Uh more to come there.

62:08Yes, that is our new mascot. I'm pushing very hard for it, but we need replies from listeners like you. Please answer the poll or do the QA or drop us a message of any kind.

62:19Cinder Raven, we want to hear from you. Please. Please. Thanks for listening, and we will talk to you next week.

62:26Bye.