No Way Nosferatu

From 0:00

0:00Just so you know, Daft Monks is half talk show, half-actual play campaign that features adult language and topics.

0:06Viewer discretion is advised. On this episode of Nat One Presents.

0:12My third wife. Constantly menacing around me.

0:16I didn't know you were married once, let alone three times.

0:18Oh yes, seventeen times I've been married, and all seventeen of them met to an untimely death, mostly because I'm a fabulous monster hunter and they just got in the line of fire. I thought it was the gift that killed them. It could have been that as well. Let's say half and half. Between the gift and Operation Human Shield.

0:42Role-playing that could only be seen by the gods. Here at Nat One Presents, you get all that and more. Now join us as we start another epic tale of Connor.

0:56Just kidding. This is Nat One Presents, a tabletop role-playing game podcast that takes your favorite nerdy games and pop culture icons and ruins them with improv. Hello and welcome to Nat OnePresents the podcast. Hey Nate. How's it going, Nate? Hey Chris.

1:13Oh, Nate and other Nate. Hey, hey, Chris.

1:17Chris. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Uh for those of you at home, um, we actually have three microphones now.

1:23We're kind of a big deal here at Nat One Presents. I'd like to thank our patrons for making that possible. Uh, you you presented the funds to uh afford us a third mic, so thank you. This could be better, could not.

1:34I don't know. But you paid for it.

1:36Right? So thank you. That $1 a month slowly built up over time to allow us to buy equipment. So thank you. That's right.

1:42Now, if you'd like our next upgrade to be more than six months from now, go ahead and upgrade that tier. Or if you're not a patron, go ahead and join. That way we can afford something before I turn um into the mid-30s. Right? Something nice, like dental. We need benefits. That one doesn't pay well at all.

2:04In fact, it doesn't pay at all. Money pit. Right.

2:07We had to take out a credit card for this microphone. Together. Like we had to co-sign the three of us. Credit's not that good right now.

2:17Uh what do you agree with what's going on in your world, mate? What's once happened?

2:21Um just working Nat One stuff. Uh, what day we're going Friday? Friday. Friday. We're gonna go see the Mortal Kombat movie in theaters.

2:28In a theater. I have actually theater. It has been more than a year and a half for me since I've been in movie theaters because I went to basic training right before COVID happened. So I didn't see the whole like three months even before COVID. So it's been a year and a half. When's the last time you you guys were at movie theater?

2:43I can't for me, I can't even remember because I have a very small child and no babysitter, and I do not want to be that guy who brings in the baby. That is the word. Thank you. Thank you, BC.

2:55You're welcome, everybody. I get it. Yo, I get it. It's hard to be a parent, and like sometimes you just have to bring the kids with you, but find a different activity. Right. Right? Because that's like it's not fun for you, and then it's also not fun for everyone. Right. You know, like I'm sorry, that's just like that's not the ideal activity. There's definitely like bring kids to restaurants, we can make that work. Bring kids to a movie where everyone's supposed to be silent. Yeah, not happening.

3:15We did get away with it one time because I think it was like Minions movie or something like that, where all the little kids were there.

3:20So it's like, oh sweet, nobody's enjoying this [expletive] you know, like your older one, I could definitely see being like well behaved, but your younger one is probably movie material. He's like, You see that chair? I'm gonna [expletive] jump off that chair. I'm like, why?

3:34He's like, because I can. And then there he goes, he breaks a leg.

3:38What about what about you, Chris? When's the last time you had a movie? Uh it was actually pretty close to before COVID started and lockdown started happening. Don't remember what I saw. I just remember I remember I bought a cup for the movie theater and he opened it. And it just couldn't go back. It's like, ah, that sucks. And if you guys know Chris, he's a very frugal person. So like he probably thought about at least 30 days whether or not to buy the loyalty cup.

4:02And so like, you know what? I'm just gonna pull the trigger. Put a spring for it. Awesome. Uh should movie theaters come back? Like, how are you guys feeling about like now? It's like even the movie we're gonna go see Friday, it technically will come out on HBO Max. So we could just rent that, which is more convenient. Should theaters come back? Is there are they like do we should we just keep getting them on streaming services? I want I want the theaters to come back. I want everything to come back.

4:27Like I'm not like I had the corona. It's like whatever, but I want everything to come back. I want to just be normal again. I think is that too much to ask for at this point? Probably probably you're right.

4:37I mean, it would help out a lot if people just bump up their subscription on our Patreon and uh help support Nat 1, but we can go to the movies, help stimulate the economy.

4:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.

4:48Absolutely. Uh, Chris, hot take movies. Should they come back to theaters?

4:52Uh I think it's a unique experience to go to a movie theater as opposed to seeing it at home. So it has a place, though I don't think it needs to come back as big as it was before. I think having it come out on streaming services a lot more convenient, especially if you're like tight on time.

From 5:00

5:07Yeah, and I'm even I know this will probably be unpopular opinion, but like if it's like a couple dollars to pay for it on a streaming service, like because I get that, like, okay, I'm choosing to watch it at home because it's more convenient, so I'll pay, and it's cheaper than like bringing my whole family ten dollars a pop per person or whatever. Um, so paying $15 to just have it on my streaming service, I might be willing to do that. I know not everybody's in that that same position, but so I'm down for it's like this optional service you can do so that families like you can see it when it comes out, but don't have to make everyone miserable while being there. That's that's my house.

5:39Just make each other miserable, but I still think about things that people like should experience, you know, like cutting a hole in the bottom of the popcorn thing and like you know, like you know what I'm talking about, eh? Like everyone should experience that. Everyone should experience that. And now these kids these days aren't gonna even know what I'm talking about, you know? Like, stick your [expletive] in some popcorn. That's weird.

5:57Be like, yeah, now they're just literally gonna report you for being like super creepy when it's like that was like your rite of passage going that was like a go-to move, especially if you're watching at home and you do that and it's just your family that's around, it's gonna be real weird, weird, real awkward.

6:10And like the hot bag of oil popcorn that you cooked in the microwave.

6:14Yeah. Have you ever made popcorn on like the stovetop? Uh my grandparents used to do it, and it was bomb. It was this like vintage experience. Like I was like, wow, you guys are so cool making popcorn. Like, who does that?

6:24Was it the one with like the foil that like domed up?

6:27No, they just put the kernels in some oil and threw a [expletive] sting over it. Yeah, prank the [expletive] out of their hands. Right. Yeah. But delicious. Delish. Tastes the sweat in this popcorn. You don't even have to add salt. Oh man. All right. Uh, what are we doing today, Nate?

6:45I think we're gonna do um nosferatu, uh, variation of our D Hunters or a continuation of their journey, if you will. Out here hunting D. And then uh we did bring Chris in today to help us with the Nosferatu story.

7:00And Chris, if you want to give us a little back take on what's going on, like what are the hunters doing now? What are they walking into?

7:08Yeah, so I kind of figured I did no prep for this really. I kind of just read the synopsis of the movie. Welcome to Net One Presents. That's Net1. Yep. Uh, so I figured what's gonna happen is Dracula's Castle didn't go the best. Yeah. Probably probably tried to get out of there pretty quick, stole his uh handicap wagon. Right. Right. It's all coming back to me now. Uh tried to flee because you know, kind of committed a hate crime more than anything else. Yep, yeah. Uh so I figured fleeing from Transylvania or wherever it is, and you know, wagon broke down not too far away. Turns out, both massive idiots don't really know how to use a wagon. Right.

7:08Uh, and ended up on a boat and just kind of sailing downriver, seeing where you can get to. I like it. That's a good starting point. I'm on a boat. Yeah, I like it. All right.

8:03Belmont, where did our horses go?

8:05Now, when you say a horse, do you mean the very elongated cows that pulled the cart? Oh, please tell me you didn't skin them for leather. Of course not. I threw them overboard. Wait, what?

8:16Yes, they were taking up a lot of my grains that I used for certain things, and then they were pooping all over the place. So I was like, let's get rid of these things while we can and just gently nudge them into the sea.

8:30As soon as we get to land, I'm going to need we're gonna need those horses. We're gonna have to walk everywhere again. Do you remember what it was like to walk to Jacket's castles? About 300 meters. Yes, I do. You should see my calves. Look at 'em, they're ripped. Ooh. Those are pretty big calves. But listen, okay, but at least the wagon. We have the wagon. We'll f well we can rent McConmissions animals as soon as we do. We have pieces of the wagon.

8:52What do you mean pieces?

8:54Well, a man came up to me and said, Hey, would you like some whiskey? And I was like, I sure would. How about a wheel off my wagon for a trade?

9:01You just went straight to a wheel of the wagon. Didn't offer him money or or anything else. The grain, perhaps? Well, I guess hindsight is always 2020, isn't it? Belmont, my boy. So which which parts? The wheel? You got rid of the wheel a wheel or wheels?

9:16Let's say all I have left is the little like steering mechanism that you're supposed to attach the elongated cows to.

9:25I just imagine it's like the bottom part of like a wagon on like cinder blocks and then like the steering wheel.

9:32Yes, that's all that's left.

9:34Or the reins, I guess.

9:37Can we work with that?

9:38Uh well yes, of course of course. So we we always figure a way out, and this thing, and I'm sure we will again. I agree a hundred percent.

9:47I heard up ahead there's another port we're gonna stop off at, and there's a very charming little welcoming town there.

9:53I'm sure we can get supplies there if we need to. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I've actually I've not heard a lot about this town. What have you heard about this charming little port we're going to?

From 10:00

10:02Just exactly what I just said. That's all I've heard. Alright, well.

10:08Excellent, excellent.

10:08Uh well They actually have a little pamphlet that I found. It was underneath some tattered bloody clothes, and I just cast those aside, and there's a nice little pamphlet. I'll show it to you, you go. Look at this. Who is tattered bloody clothes with it? I have no idea. They were just on the What kind of boat are we on right there? I have no idea, my boy. I was just, you know, you see bloody clothes here and there and everywhere. I what was my supposed to do about it?

10:30So you guys look around. Hey, you're the only two people on the boat. No one's happening the boat, it's kind of drifting down the river. What kind of boat is this? Uh, it's just a little one. It's more of a raft. More than a boat. So how did he how do we push horses off of a raft? Pretty easily, probably. There's no walls.

10:50They have very knobbly knees, and I just kind of karate chop behind their kneecap a little bit, and they buckled, and then I became a nudge.

10:58And so we're on this raft, and there was bloody clothes and a pamphlet for a town on this random raft. All of the stuff on this raft. Excellent. Well, it's a large raft. This is port down to not come fast enough. So that's uh here. Grab a piece of our old wagon and try to help paddle us over to the. You got it, my boy. Oh, a splinter.

11:23Oh, it looks like you're gonna be paddling on your own while I deal with my mortal wound here, my boy.

11:30Alright. Uh I want to be off this boat, so we're just gonna say that Belmont single-handedly paddles the entire raft all over the road.

11:40Yeah. You uh you keep going down the river, and eventually off to your uh left, there is a dock that you see. Uh another boat, an actual boat this time. That's actually uh parked on the opposite side of the dock. So you guys can pull up to it.

11:57Oh, are you already? I was just getting ready to help you row the boat.

12:05I hope you know that. Uh I'm gonna like look up. I'm guessing it's like kinda high. They're on like a higher plane, right? That that other boat because they're not like a raft. So I'm like, oh hoy there, and anyone over there. Uh no answer at all. Where the [expletive] is everybody in these boats? You're just leaving boats, Aran? How do you irresponsible? I agree a hundred percent. Apparently, it's very easy just to fall off a boat. Ask the elongated cows. You know, it would have been nice if we stole this boat instead of the raft that I had to manually paddle us through the entire way.

12:35Well, hindsight is always 20-20 with you, Belmont, my boy. And I we got a great deal on this.

12:41Um, okay. Uh Belmont's gonna get off the boat and he'd like to inspect the other boat. I'm gonna roll for it. Yeah. It's gonna be an eight.

12:51Okay.

12:52Uh so you look around and you notice something that's a little weird. The uh the board that's usually up onto the uh top deck of the uh other boat has been pulled back, and it seems like everything is just dead silent on the other boat. Uh looking around at the uh dock, you can see above it it says weceboard.

13:19This is a very quiet port. Usually ports are busted, and there's lots of trade and uh sailors looking for jobs.

13:24Like, why do you think it's so quiet here? Well, the first thing it says on my pamphlet is this town loves peace and quiet, so I'm sure it has something to do with that. A very informative pamphlet. Yes, it's like they covered everything. What else does your pamphlet say? It kind of fills in as you go, I think. Like, welcome to Walshburg or whatever. Peace and quiet. Um, we hate elongated cows. Um, don't bring any here. Let me see that pamphlet.

13:51Is it is it just like uh did he just like scribble on a piece of paper or a bunch of stuff like that? It looks like he's just covered in crayons.

13:58Wait, there's one more note here at the bottom, my boy. Uh type O negative blood is welcomed. I have no idea what that means.

14:06It just came over me to read that to you just now. You are the most gullible monster hunter I've ever worked with. That's not entirely true.

14:14Remember Jerry? He was far more gullible. Probably why he's dead now. Not everybody has steel reserve and defenses up like I do.

14:22Yes, that's what we'll call it. Well Okay, I need both of you to roll perception.

14:28Oh, 20. Not 20. What the [expletive] is a D20? Oh, that's a 15.

14:35Okay. So uh both of you hear a lot of like scurrying and like scratching sounds coming from the uh parked boat, and you also hear it coming from like what you assume is further into town. Van Hennessing, do you hear that?

14:50Yes, it sounds like scratching and scurrying, a lot like my third wife.

14:55Constantly menacing around. I didn't know you were married once, let alone three times.

14:58Oh yes, seventeen times I've been married, and all seventeen of them met to an untimely death, mostly because I'm a fabulous monster hunter and they just got in the line of fire. Oh, I thought it was the gift that killed them. No, it could have been that as well. Let's say half and half. Between the gift and Operation Human Shield.

From 15:00

15:19Well, I'm I'm not nervous. Like here, hop on my shoulders and look and see if you can like peer into that boat and see what's scurrying around.

15:26It's very that didn't sound like rats to me. Okay, let's check it out.

15:30Your strength, your dexterity. 18? 13. Okay, yeah, you're fine. You can see over. What do I see with my eagle eye? So you look over and you see lots of rats. Lots of bones. See more of those bloody clothes that you found before. Yeah, that's it.

15:50Belmont, my boy, there's nothing up here but rats. Just rats. Nothing to be alarmed about. I know you're a little bit jumpy. Just rats. Like a lot of rats? I think this ship is manned by rats. In fact, I see one now. Scurry across the shoulders.

16:07Get off my shoulders. I'm done with your entertaining stories. We're just gonna go into town and we're just going to figure out what we need and where the [expletive] we are. Um, so I'd like to start walking down the pier. I'm just going to leave our raft with parts of wagons just unsecured. I don't really think there's any value in it anymore.

16:28Uh so yeah, so as you start walking into town, um there are two buildings that are immediately at the end of the docks. One of them seems like it it seems like the uh dockmaster works there or lives there. Uh there is a light on inside. Uh further on into town, from as far as you can see, it doesn't seem to be a big town. Seems like it's mostly just a port town. Uh but there are a few like structures that look more like houses. Okay.

16:54Belmont, my boy, I think we should stop at this first building here. Um, the sign's a little worn. I believe it says cockmaster. Let's go and talk with him. He's got to know something about a D. Yeah.

17:06It says Docmaster. Um, yes, I got s seawater in my eyes or something. Your eagle eyes, yes. Yes. Well, I I d un I mean on one hand, we should talk to the Docmaster, but on the other hand, they might try to charge us for docking, and that's something I don't want to pay for, especially given there's literally nothing of value left.

17:24Red. What what are we docking? A piece of wood that is now floating away? Oh, it's gone.

17:30Then we just showed up. Alright, yeah, let's uh let's inquire. But then maybe we can find out uh he could make some recommendations for what at large. Maybe this is a good place.

17:40Oh yes, good point. I'm sure they're very upset with us after we pushed him down those stairs like that.

17:45I you had to just go you just had to go rogue and push a handicapped person down the stairs. I was ready to forgive him.

17:52Well, to be completely fair, he probably only felt it on the upper half of his body. I'm sure he's not like, oh my shin hurts, you know. True. You make valid point. Thank you. Now let's knock on this door and see who's inside. Hello is anyone in there?

18:09No one answers the door.

18:12Who answers? Nobody?

18:13No one does.

18:14Oh. Like, do we see what do they look like? Do they open the door?

18:17Yeah, doesn't answer or it doesn't open the door at all. So they don't answer the door, they just stand on the other side. Yeah. Do they breathe heavily?

18:24I hear you behind there menacing.

18:29You should probably go see a doctor about that asthma. Bane, is that you in there?

18:34Yeah, you you hear someone on the other side of the door, but they don't necessarily like answer you.

18:40It could be a monster, my boy. I think we should proceed with caution. And when I say we, I mean you, and I will stand guard out front.

18:48Okay, okay. Uh make noise if you are under duress. I'm just gonna kick down the door. Yes. I'm gonna roll for it. Guidance It's an eight plus I don't know why Van Helsing has guidance, but it's an eight plus two, so it's a ten.

19:07Alright. Uh yeah, you go to kick the door and it doesn't budge, but you do hurt your leg pretty bad.

19:13Badly that bad Belmont is the one more in shape than Van Helsing. He's like the actual condition monster owner. That's the part that makes it worse. All right.

19:21If you're a little more flabby, it probably wouldn't have hurt as much.

19:24Van Helsing, I might need you, someone of your weight to you know. Very well. I understand exactly what you say.

19:31I'm gonna grab Belmont's leg and try to shove it towards the door and use his leg to open the door with a battering ram.

19:39That's not what I meant. Trust me, my boy. I learned this from an old Indian woman back in Nung Tucket. And she told me if you use your friend's leg as a battering ram, it'll work 97% of the time.

19:52Okay, roll for it. Give me a percentile.

19:59An eight?

From 20:00

20:00That's an eight. That's fine. Yes! So yeah, that that works well enough. Hurts your leg real bad. I told you, my boy, it'd work. Oh yeah, you managed to uh bash the door in. Alright, pervert, come out! Stop creeping about. Okay. As you're like yelling into the like now open room, this swarm of rats just kind of pour out from inside. Oh my god, disgusting. This place is gross.

20:30Is everyone infested by rats?

20:32Filled with pirates, this place. Rat pirates. They're the ones on the boat. They're they obviously run this whole town. It's obviously a town of rats. Haven't you read that new book that just came out, Gulliver's Travels? Like with the small people, but this one's with rats. Pervert, are you there, pervert? Pervert! Are you in here fiddling these rats, you wretched pervert? Uh investigation.

20:56It's like a tiny shag, isn't it? Yeah. Uh it's not, it's a por me. I got an eight guidance.

21:04I'm just looking at the ceiling. Where are you, pervert?

21:08So you guys go in and you kind of like poke around, but you don't really see where anyone could be like hiding or anything. So there's just no one there, as far as it appears. No, it doesn't seem like there's any person there. You do find um the logbook though, for who has come in and who has come out. This is a like trading town, so they keep like a pretty good log of that.

21:28And I would like to inspect and see most recent checking.

21:33So looking through, you said the date that the last person checked in. Yeah, so you're looking through and you see that the last ship that came in uh was uh like private ship. Uh somebody commissioned chartered. Someone chartered a ship that was coming from, oddly enough, where you were coming from, from up the river in like Transylvania and that kind of area. Uh it was a private ship. Uh only one person, only one piece of luggage. Uh name on it was orange. Orlock. That was it.

22:02That's very interesting, my boy. I thought for sure it would say Captain Nibbles on it, due to the fact that they're all rats, and I'm sure they all have cute, adorable names. I good lord, you should write children's books without imagination. I should. Now that we're here and you looked at that book, I think I'm gonna do an interrogation, and I'm gonna pull out my dagger and just try to get a rat in a corner and be like, tell me where your perfect friend is hiding in this shack.

22:28Uh roll me a deck save. That's a seventeen. Okay. Uh yeah, the rat lunges at you and tries to bite you, but you manage to get out of the way of it. Good God!

22:37Don't how many times do you have to tell you, Van Helsing, don't touch the wildlife? Rats are wildlife. Animals are wildlife. Wild is wildlife. He was a trained professional. He's obviously a sailor, and I thought he had manners, but he's terrible. He's just one of many rats. They don't they don't they're not even people. They're not they're just ignore them, they're just vermin. That's the most disgusting racist thing you've ever said. Beast, we are monster hunters. That's true. We have to disconnect ourselves from the the dark, grossest mm creatures scurrying this world. Whether they're vampires or rats, or both in a very unlikely combination.

23:12Ooh, vampire rats? Oh god, no. That sounds terrifying. Handy capable.

23:19Vampire rats in little w mouse wheelchairs.

23:26That's the most horrific vision you've ever put in my mind. Belmont, my boy.

23:31I I couldn't even imagine something like that. Hidden nibbling on a little piece of cheese while wheeling towards me in the shadows. Just squeak, squeak, and then he's also making a squeak, squeak. It's terrible.

23:43Are you done?

23:44Yes, sorry. Shall we push forward? Yes.

23:47I mean, then I was like, I guess we're in luck. If this is maybe in an abandoned town, maybe there was some kind of tragedy, some kind of plague, perhaps, or these rats, I don't know, but we should take it easy, but potentially we could just take whatever we want from this town. And be kings. And be kings, but we don't but subtle kings, because we don't want Drach and his well Drake and I were not worried about. Clearly, but his you know his generals, they're very upset. You know, word on the street is that everyone is hunting us now. Right. We are the D hunters are being hunted.

24:16I agree a hundred percent. Let's press forward and see what this town really has to offer, since we can't find that pervert lingering in here with all these. How did we get to the conclusion that he was a pervert? Because he was a heavy breathing. Yeah, breathing heavily behind the door. Like who else does that? That's weird. Booge pervert.

24:31That's fine.

24:32Uh yeah. So as you come out and you go further into town, uh give me perception, both of you.

24:40Not twenty.

24:42Okay, so Belmont doesn't notice five and Helsing notices. It [expletive] reeks. This one's like a lot of stuff has like died around here. Uh so as you press further, that smell starts to get worse and worse. Um you get further into town. The buildings look more well structured now. They seem to be made out of stone this time, and they are actual houses and not actually just shracks. Um, you notice there are lights on, you see figures moving back and forth across it. Vaguely human. Can't really tell. Um Yeah, and there's like six or seven houses.

From 25:00

25:19Belmont, my boy, are your sinuses acting up? Because I think after that raft ride, you need to take a shower a little bit. You're starting to to really waft into my senses here.

25:32But you know, you're you're probably not wrong. I could use a bath.

25:35Maybe we stop in one of these houses, maybe they have a wash uh basin I could, you know, soak in a little bit. Who wouldn't mind? I could soak. It's starting to reek just a little bit.

25:43Well, you know, you don't smell that good either, Fan Hennessing. You know, like my maybe if I didn't have to patras the entire way here, I wouldn't smell so bad.

25:51It's not entirely my fault that I get the meat sweats and then it starts reeking throughout the town. Okay? I'll take a bath whenever we find an acceptable place. Let's just go do a B and E and break into one of these places and use their facilities. And they're sure they won't mind. They're probably all just rats anyway.

26:08Okay, but remember, let's try to start well with the natives. I'm getting some weird vibe, and I just I don't know. I could now be zombies or I don't know, some garbage. I'd I don't I'm not used to a town where nobody the dock master always tries to screw you over and rip you off to dock your your thing. So there's no way something's not fishy going on here. So just play it cool, okay? Follow my lead. You got it, my boy. I will follow your lead.

26:33I'm gonna go up to first house nearby. Uh there's one house that looks significantly bigger than the rest of them, and the rest of them are all like equally [expletive]. I wanna try one of the equally [expletive] houses first, though.

26:45Because I just don't want to take a bath. I don't want to take a bath at the nice person's house because I might want to impress them. Yeah.

26:50Or is there like a sign for an inn or anything like that? Oh, yeah.

26:53No. Nothing like that. I mean, not like we're gonna pay them anyway. It's not Van Housing's at most.

26:59Patrons. Hey, uh, so go up and knock at the door, try to kick in the door with your good like. Uh yeah, so you go up and you try the handle and locked.

27:13Same.

27:13Uh yeah, so then I'll knock and be like Hello, hello, good, good good ma'am, madame, uh sir. Just two friendly uh adventurers here to maybe help you with your problems and also in need of a you know, maybe a bath.

27:26Extremely friendly out here.

27:29Yeah, so you hear some like shuffling behind the door, and you hear someone from the other side ask, like, what what are you doing? Why why are you outside? What are you doing out? Supposed to stay inside.

27:43We're not from here. What are we what are we supposed to be inside from?

27:46Rats. Plague is spreading across the town.

27:51Oh yes, yes. That would that would explain the nesting. We didn't see a lot of rats. Like I was kidding about the plague, but there's actually there's an actual plague? Yeah. Like there is is it airborne or like Oh my god. Dude, the water are there spots? You are looking a little off color. Am I? Oh my god. Was that the meat? That it's actually it could be the sweats.

28:10Uh both of your old dexterity. Sixteen. Fourteen. Okay. More rats, but you both managed to get out of the way of it. Being very loud in front of like someone's house. Please listen. We don't want to get the plague.

28:24We're still healthy as of now. We just got here. Please, I need a bath. Uh we we have money to pay, and he like winks at uh Van Helsing. My pockets are so heavy with all this money. Please help us. We need to unload some of this money so our pockets are lighter. It's a burden on my hips. His wide childbearing hips. I I can't open the door for you. Well, why not? We won't let the rats in, I promise.

28:52I won't believe you. The rats everywhere. They got into the Dogmaster's house and they ate him alive.

28:58I'm gonna like lean over to Van Housing and be like, break in on this guy's house. Go in the back door. I'm gonna keep talking to this idiot and you just break in.

29:04Yeah, I was asking me to go in the back door. You never take the back door. Fine, I'll go around back to the back door.

29:09I can hear you, you know.

29:11No, you didn't. That was a rat talking. The rat's trying to break into your house now.

29:14Did you know you have a rat pirate problem here?

29:16Yeah, there's a terrible problem out. There's an infestation.

29:19Exterminators, you know. Of the of the bistro kind. Exterminators. Exterminators.

29:25Yes.

29:26We can help with your rat problem. Uh I'm gonna chase this one around the back door. No read no cause for concern or anything. La la la la la. I was just gonna kill a rat.

29:33So, how long has this play been in effect? As you guys are arguing here, it's just a big slam that sounds like it's coming from the opposite side of the house.

29:43Okay. Uh as Belmont, I'd like to do some like acrobatics to like try to like jump up on a ledge and like break into their windows.

29:52Okay. Uh yeah, roll acrobatics. You can do it, my boy. Guidance.

From 30:00

30:00It's an 11.

30:01Alright, so you try and scale up and you try to go through one of the windows. Can't seem to quite get your footing. So you start to go up, but there's not really anywhere that you can really grab onto. It seems like they've taken precautions because turns out small rats can also climb things.

30:18So you know, I'm just I'm weak because if you're watching this from inside, the grasshole. And just we haven't eaten in a few days. I've been stuck on a raft with an idiot, and I'm just I'm tired. You know, normally I'm more fit and I could parkour a little bit better than this.

30:30But he's usually far more nimble. What are you aren't you in the back? Yes.

30:35Okay.

30:36I heard you stumble from the back door. Are you having better luck? Because I've I'm not able to do anything else. Hold on, I'm about to kick down their door.

30:44I'm gonna try to kick down their back door. Okay, roll for it. It's a nine.

30:54So you go to K down the door. It turns out that big slam you heard was them putting the bar across the back door.

31:01Belmont, my boy, it seems they've thought of almost everything to keep us out. You're right. [expletive] this house. We'll go check out one of the other houses. But before I do, yeah, oh go ahead.

31:12No, it's like before we leave, should we throw a Maltov cocktail? You read my Let's burn this [expletive] to the ground. No hospitality, we'll show you.

31:24No service, no place to live. The nerve of some There's rats out here, and you're not even gonna let us inside. I don't see how you like knocking on people's door. That's the least we could do is burn down your house. Do we have anything from Molotov Cocktails? No. What about that whiskey you got from the I drank it.

31:40The only thing we have are the cloth that on my body, but maybe my meat sweats has enough alcohol in it it might be able to ignite.

31:48Can we still rock through their window or something?

31:51Ooh, what if we poop in a bag and then light that on fire? Again, where is the fire coming from?

31:57Ooh, that I don't know. I'm at it. I'm over it. Let's go. Alright, let's go. New house.

32:02Alright, we I'd like to uh investigate the least fortified looking home. Um roll investigation for it. Big old house like welcome, friends.

32:14Guidance.

32:18It's a seven. I'd say that's good enough to like figure out which one isn't very fortified. It's the one that doesn't have a front door. Yeah. Alright, yeah, I'd like to go to the house. Yeah. Okay, so you go up to that house, uh, front door's open.

32:32Oh.

32:32I'd say that's very welcoming.

32:34Hello. Sir, madam, are you in distress? Your door is unlocked in this very uh [expletive] is town where people seem to you know keep everybody out.

32:44Extremely rude people here.

32:45Very rude people. Anyone there? Hello. So you look inside. Uh both of you give me investigation.

32:54I don't have many rats in here. Eleven.

32:59Yeah, that's good enough for both of you. Uh so you look in the back. You don't really see any person like in the flesh, but you see like a big long shadow kind of across the back. It looks really strange, like a like a big head, the ears look kinda pointy. Well, do you kind of think it looks a little bit like a vampire, but it looks real [expletive] weird because it also looks like he has bucked teeth.

33:24Calm yourself and his thing.

33:26I think something is afoot here. I think he's just a friendly local, you know? Like you've seen those locals where they're kind of like, uh-huh.

33:35That's that's probably in the back there making moonshine and stuff and playing the banjo.

33:41Also, I mean, there goes our cover. We've just immediately just started talking when I tried to.

33:46Well, isn't that how we always do things? There's always people standing around and we just start talking.

33:50A world-renowned monster hunter who sneaks like subtly and stealthily into situations and diffuses the problem before it ever happens. I haven't seen you stealth one time the entire time we've been together as the hunters. Stealth! I roll stealth. Sir, ma'am, who are you? Show yourself.

34:12Uh both of you roll um eighteen.

34:19Nineteen.

34:20Hey, neither good enough.

34:23What?

34:24So neither of you notice, but now that figure not against the back wall anymore. Turns out you're arguing very loud. Turns out right behind you now, standing in the doorway with you. But we didn't notice. Now you didn't notice him like sneak up behind you. Okay, but do we notice he's behind us now? Just kind of feel the long fingers just kind of come over both of your shoulders.

34:44Oh, that feels nice. Very welcome. Is that your hand? Or are you just happy to see me?

34:50No, my hand is like three times smaller than just the fingers alone on this thing touching my shoulder, right? Oh, hello, good sir. Is this your residence? Uh, what's he look like?

From 35:00

35:02Like to describe to the like Yeah, like I said before, he's like very tall. He's got like a really big bulbousy head, completely bald. He's got like really long fingers. It's real strange.

35:18Okay. Alright, here we go.

35:22Ready? Uh yes, like unhand us one and two. Who are you?

35:29Hi, hi, hi. I'm Nosferatu, y'all. Welcome to my house.

35:36Please come on inside and let me massage your shoulders just a little bit there.

35:42And then, like, I think his fingers like kind of like fish hooky a little bit, like swoop on it.

35:49Nice and moist like we can be best friends. Oh, oh, where I come from, we don't make physical contact. Uh Ven Helsing, uh, take a step away, Van Helsing. Don't I know you're very you like new people and you like new things, but don't say Hello, thank you for welcoming us into the house, uh, Percy.

36:09Yes, please make yourself comfortable. Turns out there's some kind of rat problem or something out there.

36:16I wouldn't know they don't bother me at all.

36:20Wow, I'm very lucky because uh everybody else seemed petrified of these rats, and they wouldn't we couldn't even be let in any other house.

36:27Oh, not me, child. I always just sit here and play my harp, and they don't seem to bother us at all.

36:36Those like long working grass fingers are and then like you see like a little bit of your slobber still dripping on his finger a little bit.

36:43Mmm, child. Flicked off every time he hits one of the strings.

36:46Belmont, my boy.

36:48Something isn't quite right about this fellow.

36:52Yes, I don't know either, but he's the only one to murk us in, and Lord knows we need baths and and food too. Uh uh, sir uh did we catch your name? Sir, what's your what's your name?

37:03Nosferatu child. Easy to remember, I know it no furatu.

37:08Right, right. Well, um could do you have any food? We're so sorry to ask you this, but we've had a long, arduous journey, and we're so tired. We just we need some food, maybe uh strip down and take a bath and then just a place to rest.

37:23Let me go check the pantry and I'll see what I can get.

37:27And then I just uh picture him like kind of walking into like the entryway a little bit, of like and then like turning back and looking at us and like rubbing his hand on the side of the wall, like yes.

37:38Don't you too skedaddle on me now.

37:40It's been a while since I had friends, child. And then I don't know what he's gonna bring back. Belmont, my boy.

37:48This man is I'm an awesome.

37:52No!

37:52I like him. This is the first nice person we've ever met, and I get zero weird vibes, you know? There's something about him I just don't trust. Some some smell in the air. Maybe you didn't smell that smell, but I smelled that. It's the rats, it's not him. He says they don't have rat problems here. This is the one house with no rat problems.

38:08Isn't that odd?

38:10Listen, you're not the logical one, right? Like you were just trying to tell me a story about how there were rat pirates infesting people. He had a cutlass. So leave the logical decisions to me, right? I think this is a perfectly safe scenario with just maybe an odd slight yeah, so what? He has long, elongated, you know, odd fingers with little slits on the ends and that pr produce liquid and whatnot. But beside that, he seems like a nice guy. I'm gonna be frank with you, Belmont, my boy.

38:40His fingers look like penises.

38:43Yeah, you didn't have to say it, but that's yeah.

38:45And it's creeping me out, especially how the tip of it was just going in your mouth like that, and you were letting it happen? No, I didn't let it happen. I pushed it away. And how can he play the hop so majestically with penis fingers? It doesn't make any sense.

38:57I like to imagine that like we look over like through the door, like we like we like bend over to the side to like look through the doorway, and he's like kneading like with his long fingers, like dough. Just like, well, he's very skilled with those fingers. I mean, if when life gives you long fingers, you make uh whatever the [expletive] he's making. I don't know.

39:17I hope y'all like pumper nickel bread, child. Just gonna knead it up real fast and throw it in the oven real quick, like it's gonna get toasty in this kitchen if you fellas wish to join me.

39:32Fantastic, are you thinking what I'm thinking? I love pump and nickel bread.

39:37It's my absolute favorite. That's not what I was thinking at all. I was thinking, let's get the [expletive] out of here and just deal with the rats instead of this guy. Is it even a guy? Look at him, look at that head. It looks like he's been dropped on his head several times as a child.

39:51Vanessa, I see what's going on here. You grew up very sheltered, okay?

39:55And in in the adult world, it's not talked about a lot, but sometimes man likes man, beast likes beasts, and man sometimes even like beasts, and that's very weird. But listen, you know, like when you when you're a monster hunter, you learn that life and death, it's all in the palm of your your greasy hands, and and you don't have to judge somebody. Just because he probably does very odd things with those very odd fingers doesn't mean he's not a good person. Doesn't mean he can't make a delicious pump of nickel bread.

From 40:00

40:25Mmm, hey y'all. While it's in the oven, I hope you don't mind a mint julep.

40:30He's like muddling the mint at the bottom of the glass.

40:35Mmm, that's a family secret right there, child. You gotta really meh shump that mint down in there before you add the julep.

40:45See if I know name one physical not not his like personality, but name one physical trait that is alarming that should make us be concerned.

40:53His extremely large ears, his buck, vampire-esque teeth, his pale skin, his head is just deformed and Yes, but see that's the point.

41:04Like, we learned with Dracula that not everybody's what they seem, you know?

41:08Like, does he look like a great value, like discount dollar tree version of a vampire? Sure.

41:13Does you know, did did we really not run into anybody in this town until it became nightfall? Sure. Are these rats suspiciously not attracted to the only human life force around here? Okay, you're making a lot of sense here. But but mint jewel. When's the last time you got a mint jewel of sing? And the puppy nickel bread.

41:33Let's give it one night. Let's give it one night. Hey y'all. I thought we could play some cribbage later too.

41:39He's like with a deck of cards.

41:43I'm kind of a card shark in my heyday child. Ooh, bread's almost done. I got one of them real quick ovens. If you would just follow me into the kitchen, I don't think we should follow him.

42:00I'm gonna roll persuasion to try to convince Van Helsing to just like, for once, just one night in my life, I'd like to just have a relaxing night. We play cribbage and we we have mint juleps, you know? Instead of eating off the side of the road or or, you know, having sex with dying harpies and then stealing their possessions to get by. I see your point. Uh how well do I think? The persuasion is eight.

42:25But I still think we should get the [expletive] out of here. I don't do not want that mint julep made with that finger. He could have used a spoon or something to crush up a mint family recipe. I'd rather eat my dinner off of the dirt outside with the pirate.

42:40Why don't you do that? I'll stay here with Mr Nusferatu, and you can go deep dirt. And then we'll meet up in the morning and we'll go on our merry way.

42:50Well I'll at least go stand in the doorway and make sure nothing tries to break in and interfere with whatever you two got going on with your juleps and your pump and nickel and your cribbage.

42:59What are you a bunch of old women? But listen, I was close with my mother, okay? It brings back fond memories, you know. So listen, all right, Mr. Nosferatu, uh my my friend here, his name is Van Hennesing.

43:11Uh he's he's going to go uh he's going he has some family in town he's gonna go visit. Uh but I would be much obliged to to stay with you this evening and and yes, play some gribbage and and uh if I could use your bath, that would be great.

43:24I picture him like uh walking around the corner like knitting a sweater. Just extremely awkward.

43:31Like no needles, just like his [expletive] fingers. I understand. I'm trying to be a gracious host. He can go upstairs and take a soak in one of my many, many bathtubs up there if he'd like.

43:44I'd even help him get undressed and stop the water for him if that sounds like something he'd be interested in. I'm gonna give guidance to Nosperatu. Can I roll persuasion for Nosperatu? Sure. All right. Uh It's a two. It's a two, and then with guidance, it's a one. It's a three.

44:05So maybe I know it's like not feeling.

44:08I appreciate your concern there, sir, but I will wait outside. I don't I don't want to be rude or anything, but you're very off-putting with your fingers. What are you doing now with them?

44:22He's like it's like one of those like Chinese finger traps, like this was a gift from the Orion.

44:31That's very dandy, but oh my god, why is it so long? Is that normal for the thing to be so long? Like how are you I'm gonna be quite frank with you. Are you a human being?

44:46Van Helsing. Be we are guests in this house. I will not let you sit here and and and be rude to this. If this person wanted to kill us, they probably could have done it already, right? We're weak, we're tired, we have no food, you're gonna fall asleep in literally forty minutes. You always do at the same time every night. Every night, Van Helsing. I can only see your eyes drooping. I uh I am getting a little sleepy, my boy. Just go upstairs. Why don't you lay down? I think you maybe were just a little overwhelmed with my trip. Obviously we ruffled some feathers with the Dracula and his, you know, the whole general army of the dead thing, and you know, just go rest. Idle deal with Mr.

44:46Nosaratu and in the morning we will figure out the plan.

From 45:00

45:24Hey child, if you're gonna go up and take a little nappy, how about a nice hot cocoa with some fresh whipped cream?

45:34Just put that around the rim there like a that.

45:38Oh just keep going around the rim there, make sure that cream's nice and fresh for ya. There you go.

45:47No thing.

45:50A little night cap, I like to call it. Um, thank you, but no thank you. That was an excessive rim job you gave on that cup. Um, I think I will listen to my friend here, and I will just retire for the evening with uh thank you, no sviratu.

46:09Um and then let's I'm gonna give like Bell R Van Helsing a look. So Belmont's gonna look at you and just kinda give the like, maybe like give upstairs like a look, like kind of thing. Like, I'm enjoying my time here, but maybe just make sure it's all clear. Like, I still trust you a little bit. I'm communicating all this through my eyes. Do I read any of that? Go for it.

46:31That's a six. Or no, that's a nine. That's a nine.

46:34Hey, so from what you get? Yeah, just go upstairs and have a good nap, man.

46:39Um, thank you, Belmont, my boy. Um, you might want to check your sinuses. Your eyes are very twitchy, and you're giving me some head nods. I'll I'll retire for the evening. You have a good night, that friend.

46:53Oh, I I will. I think I will, Mr. Nosferatu.

46:56Uh, so I wanna like I'm gonna like sit down, like, I'm gonna have the julep, I'm gonna eat the [expletive] meal he's conducting to be like, just kind of make like some some talk before Kribbitch. Like, so uh Mr. Nosferatu, how long have you been in uh this town of where the [expletive] ever? Are you thinking or is that actually you're not sure? Like, do you or do you just do that?

47:21I actually got a little bit of a thing, doll. Like with my my nose right now, I kind of make a whiny noise when I breathe out when I'm not.

47:31Oh, there's a plague. That is news to me. Is that why everybody's hiding in those all sheep or sly?

47:41Yes, yes. Yes, how did you not notice this?

47:43Are you do you even interact with your neighbors at all?

47:46I have a very um unique sleeping schedule. I only uh stay up at night because let's face it, a night owl is the best kind of owl and the only kind of owl. And I sleep pretty much all through the day, child.

48:04I noticed you didn't eat any of your meals. Is there anything, you know, wrong? I know you are on a special diet of sorts?

48:11Uh I'm just a big fan of uh making food for friends. And uh, to be honest, I'm deathly allergic to pumper nickel bread. Oh that's why I guess that's why I'm gonna whip up this here sourdough now.

48:26Just needing more bread.

48:28Just like on his lap in like the chair.

48:34Look, there's my kitten, Mr. Mittens. Come here, Mr. Mittens. Stroking his kit with his long nasty fingers.

48:40It's like not his kitten, like at all. Well, uh Chris, would you say I'm gonna roll like did any of that make me suspicious? The fact that he says he sleeps, like he stays up at night and he didn't eat any of the meal. Um so for it. What what is this role? It doesn't matter, we're doing like eight.

49:02Yeah. Uh yeah, a lot of the things like, you know, you're a trained hunter.

49:09Yeah, [expletive].

49:09A lot of the things kind of line up with what you would assume a vampire would do. Maybe he's right.

49:14Maybe, maybe even God, I'd hate to admit that Van Hillesing was right about literally anything, but I'll go check on him. Uh Mr. Nosperatu, I'm just gonna go upstairs and uh my my friend, I always uh sometimes he sleeps on his his back and he snores a lot. I'm just gonna roll him over so he you know it doesn't wake us.

49:38Up in the top drawer of the chauffeur robe, if you wanna check that out.

49:44Oh, uh yes, uh these clothes are literally tattered and stink. Frankly, I wouldn't mind uh trying to gym jams.

49:51They are far beneath a man in your esteemed position.

49:54Yeah, just go on upstairs now and you know comfort.

49:59I'm gonna go upstairs. Uh what is what are you like?

From 50:00

50:02Is Van Helsing uh like he does, he is actually snoring on his face. It's not too hard to find him. Uh so yeah, you get upstairs, there's not many rooms, one that you assume is the bathroom and one that you assume is the bedroom. Uh so Van Helsing coming in. Uh you hear him from the uh bedroom. So you go in, but all the lights are off, but it seems like he's raised off the floor, so he's probably like in the bed, but you can't really see him. Okay.

50:27Uh I like I want to lean over and like try to uh I want to like wake him up and I also want to like investigate the bed.

50:34Like, is it is it a nice bed or uh give me a perception roll.

50:43It's a two. Why am I rolling so gods?

50:50He says that's so yeah, you reach into bed and you find his shoulder and you like start shaking him to try to wake him up, but his snoring is just getting louder and louder.

51:01There's must be a button hella comfy bed. Um roll perception, I guess.

51:05Yeah, that's I would like to. 18. Alright, uh, you notice a little skinny shoulder. Doesn't feel like Van Helsing's shoulder.

51:18Van Helsing, is that is that you, my boy?

51:21Mm-hmm. It's me, old body Van Helsing. Why don't you just uh crawl on into this bed with me? Good god. I was I'm sorry.

51:32Sorry, Mr. uh Nospratu, was it? Uh I thought this was the guest room. I I'm looking for uh Van Helsing. Oh, you gave me uh quite a startle. Um how did you get up here before me when I left before you?

51:47I just went ahead and uh took the secret tunnels.

51:51That's something I can uh give you a little show later here. Please, I don't want to see your tunnels at all, thank you.

51:58I'm picturing like his finger coming out of bed, like trying to graze your hand a little bit.

52:03Come on in the bed now. I don't buy hard.

52:08You know, let me just go put those gym jams on. Are they happening to be in the same room as uh Van Hinnesing?

52:15Yes, just down and around in the other way there. Okay.

52:18But I also have another set of gym jams here if you need any assistance.

52:24Oh no, I think I'm very good. Very good, Mr. Nosferatu. I'll be right back. Don't don't change a thing.

52:30Don't keep me away in here, too.

52:33Alright, I'm uh I'm gonna go into the next room, which I hope is the room I'm not saying it's not. Um, and I'd like to inspect real. I'm gonna close the door. Like, I'm just gonna just go put these gym jams on loudly and audibly. And I'd be like, Fred Housing, get the [expletive] up. You were right.

52:53Look!

52:53Belmont, my boy. I found this bed, but it had a lid on it. So I just nearly pushed it off a little bit, and it's rather quite comfortable. It feels like it only seats one though. I can scooch you a little if you need.

53:05I'm only gonna say this once, and he's saying, You were right. This [expletive] weird ass dragular knockoff is for sure a vampire. Uh I don't get what's going on.

53:14I don't get the rat thing, but we need to get the [expletive] out of here. Also, I think he's into me.

53:20And I don't think he's going to let me leave.

53:23Is it uh Will lit in this room? No, it's pretty dark. Okay, I'm gonna pull out a lighter that I got in my pocket and just light it on my face, and then I get I have like the I told you so face.

53:36Uh perception from both of you. Natchwanium. 13. Okay, yeah, there's definitely a dead body in here too.

53:46Ben Helsing, did you just leave this body here the entire time and you didn't you let me have played cribbage with our host when there's a dead body upstairs in his guest bedroom?

53:56His bedroom, actually.

53:57Honestly, my boy, um I didn't use the lighter because I'm saving fuel for I told you so faces.

54:04And I just kind of rummaged my way in here and found this box and hopped in. I had no idea that was a dead body. Go ahead and inspect that body and see what it is. I don't want to, it's all dead and yucky.

54:13Fine, I'll do it.

54:14Inspect the body. Uh yeah, give me uh I don't know, medical something or other. Guidance.

54:21It doesn't matter. Belmont is having such a bad day. Like, he's just off today, you know.

54:29He's usually very perceptive, around topic and stuff. And today he's just not used to people being into him. Yeah, he's he's just totally fussy. He hasn't been seduced in a long time, it shows. Yeah, so you like look at the body, he's just like, yeah, they're dead. That's about all you can get.

54:46Okay. Um we need to get the [expletive] out of here. Uh here, why don't what are we like weekend at Bernie's kind of thing? Like we like put this guy in a chair and put him out and then climb out the window.

54:58I'm following you a hundred percent.

From 55:00

55:00Let's tie his legs to our legs and his arms to our arms, and we'll just walk downstairs and be like, we found our friend that was overboard, and we gotta get him home. He's kind of drunk, you know. I g I love it.

55:12Normally I'd say that's a terrible plan, but that's about all we got right now. Yeah, the way you've been doing things tonight, that's the best thing we got. For the first time ever, I'm gonna follow your lead.

55:21Alright. Do you have any rope around here? No. Okay, I'm gonna go down and ask no Sferatu for some rope. I'll be right back.

55:28Or what if we tie these gym jams onto this person or change them into gym jams?

55:32Ooh, they are very silky and nice, but very durable. I say let's try it.

55:36Okay. Uh yeah, we like. So which one is it? Tie it around them or put him in it? What do you think?

55:42I like the idea of us tying it to him. We're just gonna walk all three of us together.

55:47Yeah, like he's like has his like hands on our shoulders, it looks like we're like helping our buddy. Yeah, he's like had too much of drink.

55:52Give me perception.

55:54That'd be a six six. We both have guidance. We all have guidance. We took one level of cleric. It's a four. So it's a ten total.

56:03Okay. Uh yeah, so as you guys like tie him each like one limb to one limb each, uh, you notice like he's just got too [expletive] outside of his neck. No, yeah. Somehow you didn't notice at all.

56:17I mean, it doesn't mean I've already declared he's a [expletive] vampire. Like, there's a [expletive] coughing over here, like whatever. But oh [expletive], does that mean he's gonna turn?

56:25Well, I'm not entirely sure. We don't know if this is a vampire bite. I am not a professional. He could have fallen on a Bident. No, no, you're right. God, not the Bitent again. It's a Biden, it's a two-pronged tribe. No, it's a Biden. We've got to be.

56:39Okay, fine. Well, listen, I don't uh Alright, so listen, with Transylvanian vampires, usually you have about six hours and they have to be buried in the ground before they'll turn. So they kind of write a passage, whatever. But this guy's weird. He doesn't have any of the usual markings or or characteristics of a Transylvania vampire. So I don't know when or if this guy will turn on us. Are you sure you want to strap him to your body?

57:02I think just to be safe, let's pull his teeth out.

57:05Oh, I like it. And if he comes to, he'll just be like all gummy, you know.

57:10Yeah, you're already thinking with your noggins. No problem.

57:13I'll just whip out my pocket rock, and we'll just give him a little knocking right in there in the snout.

57:18Okay.

57:18I'm trying to knock out all the dead body's teeth.

57:21Medical.

57:22Yeah, okay, roll for it. That's a 16.

57:25Ah, you've done this before, I see. It's not my first rodeo, as they say, Beaumont, my boy. You knocked out several people's teeth, some of them you're wise. That's how you have the teeth. Wow. Well, you know, they get a little lippy. You know, I asked for a sandwich and they didn't bring me a sandwich, and then then you know, you give a little one-two, one-two with a rock in your hand.

57:44Very concerned about the relationships between your life, but you're worried you're doing it great, and I'm just gonna keep going with it. Let's tie him up and let's get going. Let's do it. All right. We don't need to practice tying. We know not. Nah, you know, knots. Nah, it's good now. Alright.

57:58So uh alright, we're gonna we can't Bernie's, we're gonna head downstairs. And that's our that's our plan. All side by side. Yep. Yeah. Trying to walk down three wide down this down the stairs. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. Okay. Uh give me performance, both of you. That's a ten. That was yours, okay.

58:22You can do it, my boy.

58:23We're gonna perform the [expletive] out of this.

58:26Fifteen. Oh yeah, you're you're both doing well enough that it's like passable, but like middle school passable, not necessarily like professional passable.

58:36Jerry, I'm so glad we found you staying with the count tonight. Well, this is fantastic. We'd now just need to get you back on your way, because uh Deborah's been missing you.

58:49Leaving so soon.

58:51Oh, no, Sparatu, I cannot thank you enough. It was such a great evening. We just truly and we loved our time, and but we found our friend, and his his wife has been looking for him. He's very she's very worried. Very, you know, you know what it's like to be in love, you know, and have someone you care for. And you would you never want to let that person that you love go, ever. Never let them go, child. Never. So we need to get Jerry back.

59:19I understand completely, but if you know what I'm saying, I can't let you go.

59:24No, I don't know what you're saying. You're not leaving this house at all, child. No, but did you not hear what I just said? We have to get Jerry to his love.

59:33I understand, and I can see through your ruse 100%. This looks [expletive] ridiculous, child. I just bit that guy two days ago. You think I wouldn't know?

59:43So you admit it.

59:45I mean he fell on a bident two days ago, child. Just one of my casual bidens I'll leave out.

59:53Okay, tell me the truth, alright? We had moments. You made me juleps, you made me bread. We I know there's more to this than just you know, some predator playing with his food. What you know, are are you a vampire or not?

From 60:00

60:06Vampire's kind of a strong word, I prefer an aficionado of blood tasting and uh I have an acquired taste, if you know what I'm saying. I knew the moment you walked in here what you were hunting down.

60:22Ooh, wow, that's uh both flattering and disturbing at the same time. But listen, look, I you know, I could make an exception.

60:30You're the first monster I've met that has actually been very human, you know, and you know, I I in fact I still want to play that game of garbage, but we we have to go. And we're we're monster hunters. You know what that means, Nospratu. Like, do you know who Dracula is?

60:44The handicapped fellow.

60:46Yes, yes. Well, we we we're known for taking him and his like out, and we don't we don't want to have to do that to you, Nospratu.

60:54What happened? You push him down some stairs?

60:58Word already gotten around.

60:59That was just a guest, child. The poor guy's in a wheelchair.

61:03Oh well, then you have it. But he's a huge [expletive], was he not? He had that coming.

61:08He's always making fun of the way I look, child, with my buck teeth and misshapen handy.

61:13You don't have to be like those other vampires. You can you can be effeminate and whatever you want and freakishly effeminate good looking, uh, but you got to let us go. We we don't want to be a part of whatever you're trying to put down here.

61:30Are you sure about that, child? Because I saw the way you've been giving me the eyes when you were drinking that mint, Julia.

61:37I hadn't eaten anything in literally like three days. Oh, mostly just of starvation. Oh, I see. I was starving for something.

61:46Um, what about your fat friend there? Can he at least stay around and be a little midnight snacky for me?

61:52No, absolutely not. Trust me, he's probably not very healthy. You probably get something from eating.

61:58I could smell the meat sweats the moment he walked in through this, don't you?

62:03Well, thank you so much, Roger. It seems like we've agreed to let us go and we will let you go.

62:08And I don't know about that, y'all. I still think you should uh stick around and basically be my nosferat one.

62:22How about this? What if I challenge you to a game of cribbage?

62:26And if I win, you let us go. And if you lose, you let us go.

62:30Hmm, that is very intriguing, child. In over 2,000 years, no one's beaten me in a game of cribbage.

62:37Today's your lucky day. I used to play with my mother all the time.

62:40Well, then I guess it's game on. Unstrap yourself from that dead body and your fat friend and let's uh pull out the ball.

62:47Van Helsing, do you know how to play cribbage? Absolutely not, my boy. I believe it uses cards. I'm not entirely sure. Okay.

62:54Um I think we do a sucker punch and then we get the [expletive] out of here.

62:59Excellent. Sounds good. I'll set up and you do the thing.

63:03Okay, I I will do it.

63:04I'm imagining you're both like leaning behind the guy's still strapped between the two of us. You're just like leaning behind his head and talking to one another.

63:13That's exactly how we're doing. Yeah. Alright, I'm gonna untie myself and be like, well, let's write you if uh if you will, please deal me in.

63:25Watch me shuffle up.

63:29He even like doesn't. You can just do it with like one hand, because that's how long his fingers are. And then while that's happening, like Van Helsing, right? He's like kind of like just like shuffling around with the other guy. Like Yeah, he didn't untie himself.

63:43Okay.

63:44He's like, Alright, it's you and me, new friend.

63:47We're gonna sneak around here and sucker punch this vampire just like I know how. Here we go. Sneaking.

63:54Oh, Nosferatu. Oh and he's just making 12 for my sneak.

64:00Okay.

64:00Alright, I get behind Nosferatu.

64:04Hey there!

64:05Sucker punch!

64:08I'm gonna try to punch him in the back of his head.

64:11Yeah. So uh Yeah, he pretty much could see you shuffling across because there's you know half of a dead body that's not being supported. So it's gotta just knock it around on the floor as you're shuffling over. Uh-huh. Uh but you go to punch him and he turns around and you catch him like right in the tooth.

64:30You son of a [expletive]! You need to file those things down and look at him so bucky. You know what? I'm tired of this, Belmont, my boy. I can't fight a thing that looks like this, Mr. Edward Dickfingers.

64:42Yes, yes, uh, I agree. But Belmont, watch yourself. You were just you just got nicked. Are you bleeding? No, it turns out I used this dead guy's head. I didn't want to break a nail. Oh, thank god. It's like that time you rammed that door with my leg. I told you it's an old swami trick. Right. Have that you demon. I will take you down tonight. And thank you for your hospitality. You were very kind. Mm-hmm. So I'll just shut you a pretty little lips and let's play. So are we gonna do are we doing combat or what's happening here? Oh no. This is much further than I even thought this was. Let's just do like uh like we're gonna modify the game, folks. Don't worry about it.

64:42Uh, Chris, why don't you roll a d20 and I roll d20? And like if you have a higher number, that's like no Spratu like taking a strike on us, vice versa. And we'll we'll try and uh prolong this battle for a little bit, see how it goes. So first round, uh you win that one. Okay. Yeah, so Van Helsing like gets out his whip and immediately like wraps it around one of his hands and then like I don't know, like shocks it, or I don't know, does some kind of jarring motion. Goes and accidentally whips one. Your turn, you wanna eat throwing. Oh, okay.

From 65:00

65:55Hmm, child. If you wanted to jump straight into this, we didn't have to pull out Kribbit.

66:01It's only a seven.

66:02Also a seven. So you just do something useless.

66:09I try to just pulling the dead body at it. Didn't untie it fully from yourself.

66:14You're still doing that thing where like you're throwing punches as the body.

66:19It's like [expletive] rock'em socket if you were attached to the rock'em. God damn it, my boy. This cadaver is too stiff to move around. 13. 10. Alright, so yeah, we're getting or it looks like we're in the fight. Like, no spiritual cut uncle and we'll let you live.

66:32Mm-hmm, child. I've been around too long for threats like that.

66:36Are you enjoying this? You God, that is gross.

66:40You're the one using the nipples like with his long open like fingers getting firm.

66:48We're gonna go with that. He's getting some extra. Yeah. Okay.

66:52My phalanges are throbbing, child.

66:57Oh, it's a two. Alright, so he like reaches out with his like extra long fingers.

67:05Extra long fingers. Throbbing fingers.

67:07Like, Van Hassan, he's got me by the neck. Hold on, my boy. Just let me cut off this cadaver a little bit. Oh, what kind of knot did you die over here? I've seen them misplaced my pocket knife. Hmm. Seems we're in a bit of a predicament. I will run next door to the neighbors and see if they have a pocket knife to Then I was like, Oh my god, okay.

67:24I guess I'll try to throw the body up on one shoulder and try to like run over and try to like punch his arm or something.

67:34Roll off. Ten. Twelve. Hmm.

67:38Sorry, my boy, not much else I could do. I guess I'll go ahead and step back.

67:42I'm gonna bite the hand. Like, oh god, it tastes salty.

67:47I bite it and like stuff like fluid comes out and it's like salty. Like, oh god, unpleasant, kind of. And uh this is like taking a big, like, this is a big [expletive] rocket. It's taking a long time.

67:59You're like, man, get the you know what to do, vampire weakness thing. Right.

68:06Do you see any stairs around I can push him down? I mean you walk down something. Okay, lure him upstairs and I will push him down the stairs, just like we do with Draco.

68:18Like, fight me in your gym gems. Noseratu. And I run upstairs. Like, this is so stupid. But everything Ben Helsing's Ben Helsing's had much better luck than I am, so I'm gonna try it. Okay, so you run up the stairs. Run upstairs, like, come and get me in your gym gems, Noseratu.

68:35I've I've pictured Ben Helsing like uh running up behind both of you, but with the dead body still like, oh, oh, oh I just really get in better shape before we start going on adventures like this.

68:47Uh I want to try to when we get to the top of the stairs, like turn around and like like try to like haymaker, I don't know, sucker punch, like [expletive] Ezra. Uh God, you suck today. He's gonna like go down into rats, maybe, and then like I hit uh [expletive] like falls backwards and like slides down the stairs with the [expletive] body. Um doing great.

69:12I'm gonna try to grab his foot as I fall down the stairs. Try to grab no spratzer's foot. Oh, and eight. Alright, you grab the dead body's foot.

69:21I got him, my boy! Ah da boo! I got him!

69:26That's the body. That's Jerry.

69:28God damn it!

69:29I think his actual name is Jerry. We just went with Jerry.

69:32Have we ever killed a vampire before? This is extremely difficult. In a minute. It doesn't even seem like he's really fighting us.

69:40Like, okay, uh, Nosperatu, what if uh what about you take a lay with me here in your coffin?

69:47Hmm, I thought you never asked. No.

69:51I know we're gonna like sit on the edge and just like pat Pat in there. Welcome on for the team and he'll say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm I'm going to sacrifice myself. So you and well, leave Jerry, he's dead, but get out of here.

From 70:00

70:08Remember me fondly.

70:09You don't have to.

70:10When I fell down, I accidentally moved one of the blinds or the drapes in this stupid thing down here. It turns out the sun's up. So if you just open up some blinds or something up there, I'm sure that'll kill him, right?

70:23I like Belmont looks at like Nose Ferratu.

70:26Like, what kind of expression? Also looks a little shocked and looks back at you.

70:32I wouldn't touch those blinds, child.

70:35I'm gonna race to the window.

70:37No!

70:39Uh 15. Got a two.

70:42Alright. Yeah, so I like reach over and I'm like, you son of a [expletive]. It's called consent. In your next life, why don't you figure that one out? And I like pull the window and I yell no means no.

70:56No.

71:01He looks at and like nothing actually happens.

71:04It turns out the sun hasn't quite crested over the buildings on the other side yet. Like it's brighter outside, but the sun like beams haven't hit. Yeah, isn't that there?

71:12Like, oh, this is uncomfortable.

71:13What would you look at that child? It looks like we're on the wrong side of the house.

71:17And I imagine I'm just like pinned up like in his bedroom, like by the window, and then like in front of me is just like coffin and then no spiratu in the doorway. Like I have to do.

71:25And then a bunch of condoms right next to that.

71:28Safety first, child. These are long ones, too. Made from lamb skin.

71:34Um so what happens, Chris? What are the final moments? Oh, you're the one that's trapped in here. What are you gonna do?

71:42Scribbage! We've already tried that game, child. Vint julep. I think it's time you uh tasted my special ingredient in the mint julep, if you know what I'm putting down. Was it mint It was in fact a mint cream.

72:04And with that, I'm like, [expletive] this. And I just like stab the window and try to throw myself like out of the [expletive] window. As you like go to stab the window, the sun starts to actually peek over. Immediately got distracted by everything that was going on and didn't close the blinds. I didn't close the blind? Or yeah. No, he didn't close the blinds. Okay. How is he destroyed? Uh we'll go with movie accurate. He just goes poof. Ooh, okay, okay.

72:32I like that.

72:33Is that what happens in the actual like films? Pretty much.

72:36Sun hits him and then just yeah, like he disappears, like a little uh smoke cloud comes up.

72:42Belmont, my boy, you're not gonna believe this. I befriended all the plague rats. They chewed up this cadaver here and freed me. Now where's this vampire we're hunting? I'm finally ready to give him a good old one, too.

72:55And then Mike Belmont's like, you're violated. It's like mint drew up. There was creme.

73:05Um a mint cream? Yes, I uh I uh I'm I'm ashamed to tell you this. I actually saw him squirting it in there from his long phalanges. That's why I didn't take one. But I didn't have the heart to tell you, it seems so set on it.

73:20Guidance. Guidance. You don't need it. Yeah.

73:24Don't even roll good on the [expletive] roles.

73:27Yeah, yeah. Well, if we learned anything, it's that maybe nitzing, you have a little bit more to you than I should have I shouldn't write off you and your your imagination, and maybe sometimes you even know what you're doing, and I'm I'm sorry, and you were right.

73:42Absolutely. What just happened?

73:48Beats that hell out of meat. Um, and I want to say, so like, like, since we're here, like when we spend the night now, like I am actually exhausted, sleep in at least a couple hours. Sounds great to me. I'll go get a slice of that bumper nickel and meet you back upstairs. So, like, I want to say like we rest and a couple hours and we get up, we prepare our journey, we like, yeah, that stock kitchen, we get all that [expletive] ready, and then like uh someone knocks on the door and a letter is delivered, and like, but Nelsing, it's just like those days where we used to alert the prey before we arrived and and uh you know, it's one of those letters. Do you recognize this insignia?

73:48Hmm, what's it look like? Let me let me take a look. It's uh I don't recognize the the the script, but it seems like a like a a sharp B written in a red probably blood, knowing our look. Right.

74:36I'm not too familiar with it. Usually when I send my letters to Dracooler, they come back unmarked because he doesn't want me to send them anymore, you know. It's usually like cease and desist, retail letters. I'm not too familiar with this one.

74:50Let's open it up and see what it says inside.

74:52Okay. Uh so we're gonna we're gonna do that. Uh and Van Helsing, uh sure Belmont will read the letter and it's like deer hunters.

From 75:00

75:02Like, you've been stepping on my territory hunting my top prey. Well, this is uh cease and desist. Don't you ever, ever hunt another one of my victims again. If you know what's good for you. But also pick penny work. Sincerely, blade.

75:24From the way you read that, it sounds like we have another member who wants to join the D-Hunters! Yes! Finally, we get some color around here.

75:34I mean, like one of those like venture brothers, like jump up, high-fifth, and uh camera just fans the [expletive] whatever the [expletive]. And that is it, folks. Thank you for joining us. You would think more people means more preparation, maybe more of a story. Nope. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. We had a picture of Nosferatu with his [expletive] fingers, and we [expletive] went with zero exit strategy for this story. Pretty much the whole cribbage manjew thing went on for what felt like hours. One time you just went, I think five minutes passed.

76:09Yeah, that's why I pictured he's doing in my head.

76:13But uh thanks everybody for Nat one. Uh, check out our socials. Uh be sure to share our socials because we would greatly appreciate that. Uh join the Patreon, just a dollar. Uh, we fixed it so you can search it. Just w watch us, listen to us. We're great. Give us a dollar. Engage. Yep. Uh thanks a lot, and we'll see you next week. Bye. See ya.