The Family That Slays Together

From 0:00

0:15Hello and welcome to the Not One Presents Daft Monks podcast. Hey Nate, how's it going?

0:22It's good. I I kind of gotta apologize, I guess.

0:26How come? For what?

0:27Usually you're the person who bails all the time and doesn't want to record episodes, but lately it's actually been me canceling on us.

0:35That's all right. You had your vacation to Vegas. How was that, by the way?

0:39So Nate, I've become a bit of a figure in Las Vegas. Whoa, okay. And like, not really, but really. So last year, as some listeners will know, if they listen to our terrible audio quality but hilarious antics in season one, I got a tattoo and I chose an artist in Las Vegas. It was an ordeal, I remember. I kept going back there for these short trips. And anywho, I have figured out the secret to getting free resort rooms in Las Vegas.

1:06Ooh, pray tell.

1:07So long story short, Nate, I'll just keep it interesting. I play this old lady Granny slot machine. All I do is bring $500 for the weekend. And I found an old lady slot machine that if you play on Max Bet, it pretty much like usually, usually gives you your money back. Like you lose some and you go back up and then you lose some. It lets you keep playing. It does. And on Max Bet, it keeps constantly triggering a bonus game that gives you free spins. So long story short, I can play for hours, a couple hours a day on like $500. Now, the Venetian and their systems, they see every time you hit the gamble button, they don't care how much you win, right? Right.

1:07They just see every time I hit wager and I spin. So they think I've spent thousands of dollars and that I am a hot shot. And Nate, basically, a guy emailed me. You get everybody gets a rep. They all monitor your points if you sign up for those cards that you stick in the machine. And I got an email a couple of months ago. It's like, hey, let me know if you need anything. And I was like, this is silly, whatever. But then when we're getting close to a trip, we had one room for free, and then we want another room for free. So I'm like, hey, can you give me a free room? He's like, yeah. Whoa. So I got like three nights free.

1:07Anyway, long story short, Nate, while I was there, a guy came up to me wearing a blazer, and I'm like, oh man, like they're about to take me the back and beat the [expletive] out of me. They figured out that I found the granny machine, and my friend was next to me, and thank God he was with me because he's like, Mr. Casimiro, is there anything I can do for you? And I was like, And I'm at a slot machine, guys. Like, I would expect that at the high stakes table. The tables. Yes. I would I've never seen that next to some guy sitting in a slot machine. We already have another four free nights next month. Whoa. Yeah. Like we're we're really not gambling more than like three to four hundred dollars a trip.

1:07And that's nothing. Nothing. In Las Vegas? Yeah. Nothing.

2:50Man, you bring up like good points because now I'm really thinking about it. It's like this weird symbiotic thing where like the room is basically costing them more money if it's sitting there empty. So they're willing to offer you the room in hopes that you play, but really it's saving you money by accepting this room and playing a little bit.

3:08They're not making I mean, unless they're just thinking that, like, yeah, sometimes I've been up like right off the bat, like when we were there a few weeks ago, I was up $600 in like the first day or two. And I think they're thinking, like, well, if I didn't spend that, then I'd be down, but I I kept spending that. But yeah, how I view it, Nate, is I go there, I have $500, and then once that $500's gone, I'm done. So that's like I got a $1,200 value in rooms, and I only spent $500. Savings. That's how I view it. Maybe that's not how they do, because they literally think I'm spending thousands, and it looks like it.

3:39But that's how I view it. You just saved a bunch of money.

3:42Yeah, I don't know. I've like now I feel like I'm the guy from like 21 who's like counting cards, like, but I'm really just playing like the lamest, like literally the slot machine. It's like sevens and little like dancing bars of gold that look like butter, and it's not like a modern machine, it's like a really old-looking one. And it's made by Konami. Fun fact. It has the Konami logo. Yeah. Nate, you I mean, you live like an hour's drive from Las Vegas, but you don't strike me as a Las Vegas kind of guy. Are you like, you know, like to gamble or get drunk and gamble or get drunk?

4:09I do like to get drunk uh when the situation calls for it. Obviously, I'm a homebody, so I don't get drunk at home every single night because I try to stay fit and alcohol goes straight to my tummy. But if we do go out, obviously I hate being away from the house, so I'm gonna have a drink while I'm out and about. But as far as Vegas goes, like I'll go and watch like a not a show, but like a concert, like music-wise, I'll go into Vegas for that. But anything else, I'm not a big fan of gambling. I feel like I work way too hard for my money to sit there, and as soon as I lose 20 bucks, instant stomach ache, and I'm like, oh, I'm [expletive] up.

4:09Like I love actually playing blackjack, but only by myself. If there's a a whole table full of people, you are expected to play a different way than if you would have just played by yourself. Yes, I have noticed that.

From 5:00

5:01I have noticed people get and they'll they'll tell you like people [expletive] to you, not the dealers, the like players. Yes, they get pissed if you start doing weird stuff.

5:09Yeah, yep. Because I got completely smashed one time when we were in California at an India casino. And when I say smashed, I might have been on something that I wasn't supposed to be, but let's just say I was doing great. Sorry, Mom. Yep, sorry. Um, I showed up at the blackjack table and I was planning on betting only a hundred bucks, like that was my limit. And then I ended up getting up over probably twelve hundred dollars while I was sitting there, but every other person at the table left because I was ignoring them and they were giving me attitude, and I gave zero [expletive]. And I was that [expletive]. Like I'm out here splitting on two threes and then doubling down on them.

5:09And even the dealer was like, Are you sure you want to do that? And I was like, Did I [expletive] stutter? Like my money's on the table, deal the cards, lady. Of course it was a woman. Yes, it was it was so yeah. I get up that much money, and then me not being in the correct frame of mind, they did the dealer swap, and then so they swapped dealers, and that's when I should have left. But I was also intimidated because the watch or security that comes down, just the floor security, you know, the guys in the nice jackets and stuff that just hang by. He approached the table and just hung out there while I'm playing. And in my head, I'm like, these [expletive] think I'm cheating because I'm doing crazy [expletive].

6:39I mean, it's probably because you were super drunk and like oh yeah, you you probably like offended the the female dealer, but well, it could have been that too.

6:46But I think I in my head I felt like it's because they thought I was cheating.

6:51You had the pit boss's attention. That's all.

6:52Yes, because I was winning on some crazy stuff, Nate, that I shouldn't have even been winning on. Oh yeah. Like this the split threes, I ended up winning on that because the dealer bust. Oh man, that's amazing. And then doubling down on it too. So I won four times. I don't [expletive] with that.

7:05I don't [expletive] with split threes. Not anymore.

7:08It's not even a thing, but and the people sitting next to me were like, What are you doing? And then they see me win, but then they obviously won that hand because the dealer bust, but they started losing because I wasn't playing their way. And then one guy was like trying to help me, and I was like, Thanks for helping me, man. I ended up tipping them 50 bucks, just giving them a $50 chip. I'm like, thanks for all your help, buddy. Like, that's how smashed I was. And then so we do the dealer swap, and all of a sudden I start losing, and I start losing bad. It's a new lady dealer, but she's giving me attitude back. They read me like a [expletive] book, Nate.

7:08Like, she gives me attitude back, and now I'm offended. I'm like, you don't think I can win my money back? I'm gonna win my money back. Oh man. I did not win my money back. In fact, I lost all of my per diem that was supposed to be going towards my food and drink while I'm there. I lost all of that. And then I'm like, oh my god, what do I do now? At one point in my head, I'm like, oh my god, I [expletive] up. I [expletive] up real bad.

8:10That's what's pretty wild, Nate, is when you're new to gambling, when you turn, do you have to be 21 to go to casino? Is that when you turn 21 and you start gambling, everybody thinks like I'm not gonna have a gambling addiction or I'm gonna be able to say no or pull out when I want to. And the psychology with these machines is like I have absolutely I've been shocked. And like, but I hear myself say it in my head of like, oh, I just lost all my money, I have to win it back. Yes. You say these things, and like right now, you and I are like, What the [expletive]? Like, no, if you're losing, stop. Yeah, just leave.

8:10But when you're playing, there's this like thing when you start losing of like the two things either I have to win it back, or the other is, oh, it's about to hit. Like, that's the other, like these are things, and it's it's sound like if you had told me I when I was 18, like have trouble like pulling out when I should, I'd be like, No, I'm not. Like, I you know, I play like single player RPGs, like a slot machine's boring as hell, or like a table game. But the reality is no, like they're bringing you free alcohol. You're in a room with no windows, no clocks, no clocks, you're hearing loud noises, you're hearing like ding ding ding ding, like hearing winning noises from somewhere.

8:10So ever they're giving you the illusion someone's making out, and it could be you, and it's going to be you. And if you just give it a little bit longer, you will be the person you want to be, and then you're down two thousand dollars, you're like, oh my god, what happened? Yeah. I've never been down that much ever. If I lose more than a couple hundred dollars in an hour, like walk away. Yeah. I have not gambled once since I lost all that money at that Indian casino. But what did you bring? So you said you got up to twelve hundred and then you lost it, but you you gambled on like a hundred? Yes. Yep. So do do you get mad knowing you could have had twelve hundred and that like bugs you?

8:10Or the or is it just the fact that you lost the hundred or it's it's both.

9:46It's the fact that I lost the twelve hundred and then I lost my original bet, and then I reached into my pocket and pulled out the rest of my cash, which was supposed to provide me sustenance the rest of my trip and wasted that. And all of that together, I felt like the biggest piece of [expletive] ever.

From 10:00

10:05That'll it'll get you. It'll get you. I I think for me, it's like I bring um an amount that I'm like, this is do whatever the [expletive] you want with this, but when it's done, you're done. Right. It is hard not to want to like go to an ATM or fish out a little bit more money, even if you have it. But the reality is that's I think the way you gotta go. It's just decide before you go when you're in the right state of mind, whether up or down, this is what I'm comfortable totally losing tonight. Yeah. And in most cases you will, some cases you won't. But you say, This is what I'm comfortable losing, and then you go have fun, and that's great. And then if you lose it, great.

10:05But if you if you win, cool. I don't get mad if I get if I got up to like a thousand dollars and I went go back to zero. I don't care because I I never had that thousand to begin with. Right. But I know people, it's like if they see the like high water mark of how much they could have walked away with, they're always thinking about that. If I just pulled out at that one time, yeah, I would have been sixteen hundred dollars and seventy-three cents richer. And it's like, nah, like you no one has that kind of foresight, man. No one, even the experts don't know like when exactly to start.

11:04Oh, yeah. It's all percentages. And then I swear, Nate, you know how I'm big on conspiracies. Oh, yeah. I think these dealers are in cahoots with the same people that sold me that vacuum cleaner because they know exactly how to play me. Like, they're like, oh, look at this dirty floor, and I'm like, oh my god, take my money. So it's the same strategies, and they read me like a book. They're like, Oh, are you out of money? And I'm like, No, I'm not [expletive] out of money. Bam, look at that. And then they got it. So I'm just a sucker for that stuff.

11:35I mean, I'm sure it's easier to with drunk people because I'm sure drunk people only fall into so many categories, but right I yeah, that's why I stay away from table games, to be honest. Well, that that's all I got about games. I mean, I could go on and on, but that's not really what our listeners want to hear. No,

11:51they want to hear about the uh con that's coming up. Yes, Nate. Very shortly. It is very close and it is stressing me out. Like, I I've been excited for months about this. You know, like I'm always like, yeah, Nate, we're gonna do a convention. You're like, Yep. Um, but this in the last like month and a half, or last like two weeks and these next four weeks before the con, I just realized how much work there is to do. And it's like, oh, every night there's actually I was like looking into Wi-Fi tonight because I'm like, you know, convention Wi-Fi sucks, or you'll have no signal. And I know if you and Chris don't have your phones, right? Yeah, you you already hate people.

11:51So then if you don't can't like use your phone, so that's figuring out how to get us all Wi-Fi. That's the kind of guy I am. It'll it'll be terrible and it'll cost hundreds of dollars, but you guys will have Wi-Fi in your phones.

12:36Oh that way you can just look at my phone and pretend like I'm busy, like, oh hold on, just answering an email. Yeah.

12:42When really I'm playing snake, like like you know how to use email.

12:49Like, how do I turn this thing off?

12:52But everything's looking good. I saw the packages of prizes that you have all set up and packaged up, and man, it's looking crazy. You've spent way too much money on this.

13:02Oh, yeah, absolutely. Like, there's no way fiscally this will make sense, but we'll see how many subscribers we can get. My hope is really we could just like kind of celebrate. Like, Nate, like for for you, I think you just this is a hobby you enjoy most days when you're not super busy with your life and you have time to do this. For me, like we do this hour and a half together, Nate, and it's a fun time. And then I edit it for eight hours, Nate. And then I have to upload it, and then I have to create social media clips. Like, I spend a lot more time on this, so like to me, I want just a little bit of like people coming.

13:02I want to see, and I'm also a professional marketer by day, so I want some people seeing our product and being like, This is cool, I like this, I want to know more about it. Like, right, I just need that, and we're not getting the the algorithm to recommend us to people right now. We're too small, yeah. And then people don't comment. We have listeners, I have like coworkers who listen and they love the show, but they will not comment or you know, anything like that. So I just need a little bit of interaction to justify the many hours, Nate. Literally, probably 12 plus hours a week I spend on on this show.

14:01No joke. I think that's fair. That's why I'm giving it my best shot. And

14:05it's funny you mentioned coworkers because one of my coworkers came up and he's like, Hey, I found your show. And I'm like, Okay, cool. He's like, it was pretty funny, but I really had to search for it. And I'm like, you could have just asked me for the name of the show. Like, I would have gave it to you and it took five seconds. But instead, he was doing like a deep dive, like searching my name and then like going through and try to find it.

14:25Well, I imagine like if he asked you, then of course he would have been like, What do you think? Right. And then he what if he hated it, that probably would have been awkward. So he probably wanted to like scope it out, but maybe he likes it. But Nate, I now remembered, and maybe it was your coworker, I don't know. We got our first, our very first. Yes. Most people don't leave ratings or reviews. That's just yeah, people listen, but they don't leave reviews, and that's okay. Um, more popular podcasts, the more you'll get stuff like that. However, we've always had just like if someone actually bothered, they left a five-star. And usually it's friends or family, let's be totally honest here.

14:25We're not getting random five stars, but but honestly, we're a five-star show, so yeah. And not our audio last week. Sorry guys, it was a little echoey, but um, you know, we we win some, we lose some recording remotely. So still better than the jujitsu pod.

From 15:00

15:09Let's let's say thank God they upgraded. It only took them three episodes. Oh my god.

15:15But anywho, Nate, we got our first two-star review on Apple Podcasts. [expletive]. Um, they didn't write a review, so it's a rating, I guess. I got a two-star rating. So we have now a 4.9 average. And I don't know about you, Nate, but what really pissed me off was that this person didn't have the gall, right? So like a one would have been like, I hate this one. Right. In statistics, right? Like ones and fives are usually all you're gonna see because people only really take a voluntary survey or a voluntary review if they have an extreme opinion. Either they really liked you or they really didn't. We got a two, which was you suck. I don't like this, but I don't hate it. Yeah.

15:15Or something to that effect, or like this is pretty not great, but we weren't even good enough to be like, [expletive] these guys. Like these guys are terrible, or I don't agree with anything they say. We were two, we were just meh. Right. A meh.

16:05M-E-H. Like that really irks me so bad. And then to have the audacity to just do it in a re like a regular star review instead of leaving a comment. I know, like they I I want to know, you know, right? Hey, I know you're out there listening two star review. Leave your [expletive] name. Like, let's have a conversation about this. What can we do worse to give us a [expletive] one star? Like, what did you like that you gave us that extra star instead of just going full-blown [expletive] and giving us the one star review? That's what I want to know.

16:36And I think he knew if he left any kind of written review, we would have absolutely roasted this guy. What also makes me think, honestly, is that a two-star review person is probably still listening to this show. I don't know. I have this in my head that he actually didn't like us enough to give us a good rating, but he didn't hate us enough to stop listening. So he's one of those people that's gonna like listen every week and be like, uh, this sucks. But then like listen to each episode. That's that's the vibe. I know. I'm so that's kind of like we kind of made it, Nate. We might be on the right track. Right. Joe Rogan, like 20% of his reviews are one star.

17:09Right. The uh, I was gonna bring up the Mel Brooks uh History of the World part one. If you've seen that, Nate, and then I've seen part one, not the new one. Okay, so the part with the caveman artist and like with the first artist, there was the first critic who just starts pissing all over the wall. That's who this two-star guy is. That is the first [expletive] who showed up and was like, you know what, the show's not great, but it's not awful.

17:32So

17:33my gym trainer the other day, Nate, get this out of [expletive] nowhere. He's like, Hey man, I found this 80s movie, it's pretty wild. Has this guy, Chris Lambert, and they're like fight with swords? I'm like, Highlander? And he's like, Yeah. And he only got a couple minutes in. So then immediately I was like, Did you get to the part where he's in the police station?

17:50Yeah.

17:51And then he's like, Oh, I only got a few minutes in. I'm like, What? He didn't even get to the part because then I was like, Well, what about the scene with the wife? And he's like, Oh, I haven't gone that far either. I'm like, So you watched three minutes and then decided to tell me about this [expletive] movie.

18:01Yeah, why the [expletive] are you bringing it up at this point?

18:03And then he thought like he had discovered something wild because he just saw like the garage like fight scene. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, dude, you're talking to the wrong people. And clearly don't listen to my [expletive] podcast. So let me finish this movie first of all, and then let's go back and play you some episodes and then have a conversation with me.

18:21We have a whole [expletive] episode on it.

18:24Well, and they it's just starting to show that we're old now because, like, I don't know, growing up, I'm like, there's nobody I didn't know who didn't know about Highlander. I just feel like that's a thing. So now to start to hear younger people be like, hey, have you ever seen this crazy thing about uh people dancing in a town where dancing's banned? And I'd be like, foot loose? Like, you know, like we're getting old enough where they don't recognize the things that we were just like a quintessential given. Like every person would get that question right on like a trivial pursuit game. Like, and now we're getting to the point where it's not common knowledge anymore.

18:54Oh man, it's breaking my heart. Because I deal with that on the daily because some of our young apprentices, I say young, they're like 21, 22, and constantly I'm like, Have you seen this movie? Like, I'll do a joke, and they're like, I don't get it. And then the older guys will laugh. And I'm like, wait a second, my humor's not working anymore. Like, have you even seen this [expletive] movie? And they're like, No, what is that? And then I just grab my chest and fall down on the ground and start rolling around and wait for my time to end because I'm getting so old.

19:23I know. I just want to run the clock, Nate. I just want to speed it up at this point. I'm excited for retirement though, because we've talked about this on the show. Like, my grandparents did puzzles or great grandparents did puzzles before passing away. I'm gonna be playing like PS5 and all the games that I bought on Steam and never got a chance to play. That's what I'll be doing until I die. Yep. And uh I think it'll be a great time. So we could just jump ahead to me being what? I think retirement age by the time we're older will be like 86. Yes, that sounds accurate.

19:4992 security will be gone. Yeah, and uh we'll retire, and then uh it'll probably turn into like that time movie uh with Justin Timberlake, where like we get a little implant on our arm that says how many hours we got left. Be like, oh, you got 10-minute break, you're actually gonna die afterwards, so go ahead and enjoy it. Be like, well, it looks like I got time for a puzzle.

From 20:00

20:11Like, imagine having incredible because I also am starting to get the uh carpal tunnel from like being at a computer all the time. And I'm like, it's I know it's gonna happen. Like my ultimate like karma or irony is I'm gonna be old, retire, and be like, I'm so ready to play video games. And then I hold the control, I'm like, it hurts my wrists.

20:29Oh, yeah, it's almost like human beings weren't designed to sit in one spot for tens of hours throughout the day.

20:36Who would have thought this wasn't the grand design, Nate?

20:39No, they weren't built for building [expletive] power lines either, Nate.

20:42I can tell you that because I'm [expletive] broke down and [expletive] too. Oh man, Nate. I I uh

20:47I don't know what I was doing, but I accidentally like Googled yourself or not accidentally, I Googled you for some reason that made logical sense. But I found your YouTube a YouTube video of you doing a rescue on a telephone pole.

21:02Power pole.

21:03Yeah, okay. And I don't know, that had to be 10 more than 10 years ago. Oh, yeah, it was a long time ago. It's great because it's much like Megan's videos of you during the jujitsu tournament, it's super blurry and out of focus. And I was like, this seems like a cool thing. But this is back when, like, you know, YouTube was still kind of like brain. Pretty warm.

21:24If I'm not sure, it probably was.

21:26Because I was looking at this, I'm like, this would have been a really cool video, except you're not even really in the camera in the like actual perspective of the shot and it's blurry, but you put it online and you have a YouTube channel with like two of these videos.

21:38I didn't even know that's still out there. I thought it just deleted itself after a while.

21:42That's just what I know. Turns out, Nate, nothing on the internet goes away, it's there forever.

21:46I actually had a small channel where I did like Call of Duty videos for a while too. So I had like a Elgato thing and did a capture, and then I actually did a voiceover over the top of it when I really cared. And it took me forever to get them up, and then I got quite a few views on one, and then at some point, like everything else that I do in my life, I got frustrated with it and just deleted everything. But I guess the uh climbing video somehow made it and stayed on. Wild, man.

22:11Honestly, you'd be so good at streaming, but it's uh I don't and I I think Nate, maybe we're old, but like it's hard like to stream. I don't know what your feeling is. Like, even just like setting up the UI and monitoring how do you like I don't this is gonna make me sound so old, Nate. How do you play a game and monitor the [expletive] chat channel? Like I I don't how is that even possible?

22:30Like how it's not happening. Because if I'm working all day, so if I do get a chance to actually play a video game, I'm not talking to anybody, I'm not looking at anybody, I'm playing the game and I am trying to find what little joy I have left in my life.

22:45Yeah. And trying to use it up now. Your narration on any game would be hilarious, but I I just think the tech setup is so I mean we can barely, barely, and and even like one out of every three episodes, we get some kind of funky sound issue on one of our sides. Right. But we can barely get a microphone working and a webcam. And for streaming, I guess it's like the same thing, except like you're internet connection and you're like streaming graphic card. And I'm just saying, though, like live is tough. We we tried to do it, and I think that was even harder. We tried to do both of us streaming at my house at the same time. Yeah. And that was actually horrible.

22:45I never wanted to do that again after we did that. And I think it would have just been easier to do it from our separate computers. Right. Is what I took away from that like way too much effort. Oh yeah, but I still had fun. That made one of us that night. I was so stressed, and it never it showed too in the videos. I was like literally not having any fun. Oh, yeah, you were stressed out.

23:36And then I was that old lady character, and I was just running around like my bones. I need ointment. A zombie bit me.

23:43Well, and it took us so long to get going that like once we started playing, we're like we did a match and it was like, well, time to go. You know, that's a night. It was it was pretty rough. But one one day, Nate, we're starting with the podcast. I'm kind of excited. I think we're gonna kick off if you're listening to this, um, a Discord. So if you happen to use Discord, we used to have one back in the day for the Patreon, but I think at the convention you can earn raffle tickets if you join our Discord.

24:05Yeah, so be ready for that.

24:06Yeah, and I think if you think Nate's hilarious in person, wait till he just sends you like messages in in chat. And memes. And memes. You don't really send me memes all that much. Sometimes we used to back in the day. When we had the big DD group. I feel special when you send me a meme.

24:21Oh well, maybe I'll try to send more. Only if they're good ones.

24:24That's true. Most memes I'm so bored with because it's like I've seen them a thousand times. I hate work life, like like the like corporate memes. Because I'm like, yeah, we all know how this feels. It's not original. We all have like, yep, we all hate meetings, all could have been an email. We all have a work wife, like we get it, yep. Like I all of them seen it.

24:43Now it's all about the shorts. Right? No, I agree with you a hundred percent. The thing that [expletive] kills me more than anything, and I know you've seen them, is where there's a funny video, but it's in a small window, and then you see the person's face, and they're just reacting videos, like they're not saying anything or doing they're just making facial expressions like stop this, stop this right the [expletive] now.

From 25:00

25:05It's so like I don't know. I I like even if even if Nay, there's a lot of things that I would if you would pay me like millions of dollars, then I'd do it, even if it made me look like [expletive]. But reaction videos, like, it's just sad to me. It's sad. Yes. I think Johnny Depp said a quote once, or I don't know, some actor, you know, made a quote like and they were like, Why do you want to quit acting? And he's like, I've spent my whole career reading somebody else's words.

25:05Oh that's what like social media kind of feels like, is that like you're just at this point, it's like grab a trend, a trendy sound effect, so some some other successful musicians' music, and then grab someone else's cool idea of like the ice bucket challenge, whatever, their cool idea, and then their video, and then map it to your whatever. And I'm like, wow, like you had nothing to offer, like you just had to grab a little bit of everybody else's stuff to hope to be relevant. And that's like that's pretty bugged, but that's that's kind of how I feel.

25:56Right? That's the way the world works nowadays. Yeah, if you have an original idea, they're like, That's [expletive] stupid. Get the [expletive] out of here. We want you're my dad, boogie woogie woogie, with a dog doing something, and then a person watching that video and then going, Yeah, wow, cool.

26:12Those people have so many more followers than an eight, like like the tens of thousands, hundreds of that millions of followers who it's [expletive] stupid. It blows my mind, you know. I I think it must be like how like artists back in the day were like, I painted this beautiful mural, and somebody's like, I threw paint on a paintbrush inflicted at the canvas.

26:30Isn't that better? I imagine someone taking clips of our show and then doing a reaction video, and they have more followers than us who actually have the [expletive] show.

26:39The day will come.

26:40It's fine. I'm fine with it. It's fine. This is the way the world works. I'm I'm accepting it.

26:43We went pretty dark, Nate. I'm not gonna lie. We went on like, oh, cool, here's how to cheat the gambling system or something to like everybody's art is less impressive than ours. Where we ended up.

26:54It all started with that [expletive] two-star review, you know?

26:57Like Yeah, it really just put us off the [expletive].

26:59I bet whoever did that loves those [expletive] reaction videos. They're like five stars on the reaction video.

27:04Because they're a [expletive] idiot. We were set up, Nate. He gave us a two-star review to get us to talk about the review so he could do a reaction to our reaction of the two-star review.

27:13It's a crime. Should be a federal offense.

27:17Uh alright, Nate. Well, I think we should probably move in to Daft Monks now that we have uh let's see, we're 53 minutes in, so if we cut out everything I said that wasn't funny, that should leave us about 14 minutes of intro content, and then we can get on to Daft Monks. What do you think of the last few episodes of Daft Monks?

27:35Honestly, it feels like it's coming to an end.

27:38You're hoping it's coming to an end.

27:39I know I am hoping and praying.

27:43I know we're like you and I, and I can't imagine how our listeners feel, are like, I think they're done with some of these voices, with some of these bits. There's even jokes that like I laugh when you say it, but I'm like, I'm so tired of this joke, you know? Like, and then I I gotta say, like, the history of Van Helsing, like I think the first episode was not bad because we acted out last scenarios. You could tell that we just really were losing interest by the end of history of or not even by like a third into history part two. Just the whole episode is a recap. Yeah, it's but not like the like cartoons where like they recap and play parts of the scenes.

27:43We just literally are like, if it was like the last I'm on G-Hunters, it was like if that went 40 minutes, that was history of Ven Helsing part two, and there was nothing I could do to spruce it up. Nothing I could do.

28:28It still came out pretty funny though, it was good. Tall square.

28:31Yeah, you're like, yes, tall square. It's also pretty hard not calling you short round. Like there was some great banter, great banter, Nate. But like, no plot, no, no plan for usual.

28:43The part where I was arguing with myself is Naya and Van Helsing was pretty good.

28:47Nate, I I even had some moments where I was arguing with myself with like Ghost Dad and Belmont. I'm like, we're been doing the show way too long.

28:54We're going crazy.

28:56I don't know. There might be a season three on the horizon. We might I I think we've been throwing out some cool ideas. Whether or not, you know, we actually act on them is always kind of the big question with us, but there's potential with what we're thinking of for season three name.

29:08You can always count on that one presents to have at least a two-star show. [expletive] that guy.

29:20I hope he does still listen. Because we like every other bit we've had on the show, we'll never let it go. Season seven seasons in, we'll be talking about the two-star review guy.

29:29Yeah, but he's gonna make another account, make another two-star review, like [expletive].

29:35The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our odds are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.

29:52I wouldn't quite say lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not, for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.

From 30:00

30:09Last time on Nat One Presents Daft Monks podcast. There I was giving a recap of this recap, and then I thought to myself, kneecap.

30:19Recap, kneecap, cap. It's a funny word, it's like a hat. That is exactly what happened on the last episode of the Daft Monks podcast. Back to you, Nate.

30:32Perfect, perfect. So, finale's in sight, Nate. We have combined all of our favorite characters, have reunited outside Grocer Burger, and have decided to join forces and take down Bingo. That's the real recap of where we're at. And by golly, Nate, I think we're gonna do it, and hopefully two episodes or less.

30:53If not, we might not survive. Not not our characters, our real life peoples.

31:02Van Helsing.

31:03Yes.

31:04I told you to get some sleep tonight. We have the biggest operation of our lives occurring in the morning at sunrise, and you know Bingo will be prompt with the sun tempo reckoning.

31:12I just keep eating these mushrooms, and you know, it's really hard to go to sleep when you're on mushrooms. I close my eyelids, and it's like a kaleidoscope. Everything's blurring in front of me, and I see ging, and it's disgusting.

31:23When are you gonna let it go, Dal? What did I do to you?

31:26Oh! Ginger's still here. Oh, it's a small tent we're in. Where's Naya? I'm here.

31:31Oh, good, everyone's here. The whole gang's here. Pregnant donkey? Are you oh, thank goodness. Well, we're all awake, so we might as well push forward and just do the battle now. What do you think, Belmont?

31:43So, what we're gonna say, uh, we're gonna do a little fast-forwarding because we put you guys through quite a bit for two episodes, so I'm not gonna over-narrate anymore for the finale. So they decided as a group that Bingo, Ginger kind of revealed that Bingo could not resurrect the Sun Temple until daylight. That is a requirement, and that he figured out how to do it, realizing that only Naya's brother, who I don't remember Naya's brother's name, like an actual actual historically. Yeah, we didn't really give him a name. Let's give it like something like really silly too, maybe.

32:14Chip.

32:15Chip, of course. So uh yeah, so Bingo has chip, and he realizes so Naya is not a real descendant of the sun god. He can actually resurrect the sun temple with chip. And so we know he's gonna do it probably the next few days, and we decide that at sunrise we would make haste to Grusher Burger and stop him before the resurrection.

32:35Yes, it's a perfect plan. It's lined out exactly how I would have planned it. Except you did it, and it's better. So thanks.

32:42I imagine you're like in the back of a wagon by yourself.

32:47Looking not even out the back of the wagon, it's like in the corner.

32:52I think father's finally lost it. No, he's actually always like this now. You've just really not had a lot of time with build pops here. That is extremely depressing. Yes. Yes, it's only downhill from here. Mr. Helsing, I'm still here too. The end is upon us.

33:08Oh, thank goodness, Tall Square. Because if I have to go on much longer with hearing you in my head, I don't know how much I could take it. Between my eyes, looking at Ginj and you in my ears, I just want to just jump in front of this wagon, but then I'd end up like Naya's mom.

33:24Hey, I can hear you. It cuts over to Ginger and she's talking to Anna, and she's like, So you think I got a chance with Vanil Zing? He's been really coming around lately. I think we're really hitting it off. Living Immortal has really wormed out, and I think he's ready to settle down with, you know, somebody like me. Ginger, my adop. Vanil Zing is not interested. In you, or frankly any woman, because he is a sexist pig.

33:50Hew. Quite right, donkey. You're the only female companion I've ever had in my life that really understood me.

33:57I'm sorry I impregnated you with that weird serum.

34:01Everybody, everybody, enough. Sun rises in thirty minutes. It's time for us to make haste. I'm surprised we made it this long, but we need to get to Bingo before he resurrects the Sun Temple.

34:13I'm ready to go. I have my pants. Wait. Give me five minutes.

34:16Oh my god, it's literally the only thing I ask him to have, Naya. Like, just wear pants. Why doesn't he think of that? Naya has like a battle loincloth on. I get it. Oh, I get it. You and Dad has such a great relationship now that you just [expletive] met him, even though I've been traveling with him. Do you know what his habits do you know he likes has like a weird fixation with cows? He tipped cows many times on many trips for no reason, no apparent reason other than he thought it was funny. You think Dad is an interesting person, but he's actually absolutely amazing.

34:48Yeah, he's pretty good. I was just bringing up the fact that he probably definitely is my father because we both apparently get really hot balls. And you sometimes you have to air those puppies out before a battle. Real men know about it. Belmont, maybe, you know, someday.

From 35:00

35:03Great. Thank you, Naya. Everybody ready? Soviet sisters. Only competent people here in this party. You're going to go ahead and take on the Serpentine soldiers, because that is much easier to say than the three thing three It was the three toad three thing slingers. Yes, right. Anyway, Soviet sisters and their three hundred and what'd we say? 96 sisters are gonna take on something like 3,000 soldiers. I don't know. I d I don't think this is gonna work, guys. I Look at me in the eyes.

35:31Everyone listen up. This is that epic monologue before a battle. And here it goes. Bingo sucks. Balls. Really nasty ones.

35:42Hot balls.

35:43Yes. Thank you. Now, it is our mission. No, our legacy. No! I don't know. It's something. We have to go in there. We shall defeat him. I guarantee we will be successful. Why? Number one, I'm immortal. I didn't know if everyone knew that, but I am.

36:03So don't worry, I'll survive no matter what. Number two. Good will always triumph evil.

36:09I may have done a lot of evil in my life, and cows consider me evil, and clowns specifically considered me evil.

36:15But for the Wind were off. Hatcha!

36:19You're just like making a speech on top of the wagon, like everybody else is packed up on the horses, on the donkeys, whatever, and we just we just take off. So we are traveling towards the city of Groscherberger. The sun is starting to come up. And by the way, listeners, in in Belmont's head, they didn't want to strike at night because they don't know. It kind of seems like the bingo's trying to like double cross Dracula, but also we don't know that they might kind of be in league with each other. It's not very clear. So we didn't want to do a night raid in case the vampires were aligned. So we waited till daylight, so we're only dealing with one army and not two.

36:52Hindsight, come to think about it. With our intro, you'd think there'd been a lot more vampires in the show. Well, you live and learn, it's because we're always in the daytime.

37:02Maybe in season three, Mr. Ventzine. If we live to see the day.

37:07Ooh, good call. Pregnant donkey's definitely making it in. I don't know about ginge, though. Ah. Carry on!

37:15Belmont.

37:15How far are we from town? Well, let's see. Uh, in the original episodes, I at one point said 30 yards, which is like literally like the house across the street. It's very clear I'm not good at these kind of measure things, but we're gonna say we're about a couple hours away from the city.

37:33Yes, I remember quite well when you said 30 yards. I was like, oh, it's right behind us.

37:38And I was talking about a castle, which is even funnier. So like a castle right behind.

37:47Alright, so a couple hours on the road. That gives me plenty of time to work up a better monologue once we get to town to Grosher Brosher Grosser.

37:56Van Helsing, do you see that? Everybody look! When you look off in the distance, the sunrise is starting to peek over, and Belmont's like, yes, it's uh starting, the sun is rising.

38:06No. Look, in the middle of the sunrise, something's poking out of Grocer Burger.

38:11Gross, Ginge, don't talk like that. No, Van Helsing, that's not what that's not what she's talking about.

38:16Oh Jesus. It's begun. He's resurrected the Sun Temple.

38:21It has begun.

38:25Naya's just like riding a horse, like standing on a horse, like looking into the sky.

38:30He's got like a Shao Kahn helmet up for some reason.

38:35It's canon. We're not we don't know where he got that.

38:37It's in the [expletive] podcast.

38:40Belmont leans over to Van Helsing, he's like, by the way, doesn't Naya only fight with like magic sun arrows, which he's not in possession of I mean, he's got chiseled features.

38:50He could model, you know.

38:52Why do you keep pointing out that he's more fit than I am?

38:55I wasn't saying anything about that. I mean, you look nice for like not hitting the gym in a couple days or weeks. You know, you still look good.

39:03It's one thing that body sham Ginger, who clearly has no use in this party except for a target of your frustration and bigotry. But I'm your apparently blood relative. I don't want to say son because that's a little weird still for me, but I'm your little Trevor. And I have feelings, and when you tell me I don't I'm not in as good shape as Naya, it hurts my ego.

39:29Hmm, there was a bird in that tree.

39:31I thought it looked alchemist.

39:33Damn it!

39:34My bad. You would think 32 episodes in I would have picked up on your hearing loss. Damn that alchemist. I know, tell me about it. Think his name was Gerbils. Gerbils.

39:48Herr Gerbils. He was part animal, Herr Gerbils.

39:52A German gerbil.

39:54Herr Gerbils. It's Canon. Now, my boy, I promise you one thing. You'll always be my son.

From 40:00

40:01In my heart. And I love you more than anybody else here.

40:04So more than Naya?

40:06Of course I do. I barely know the guy, and he doesn't say anything.

40:09He just mumbles and looks at the sun like we get it, you know. But I promise you one thing. Once we get into town, I'll buy you something really nice.

40:17Like Valenciaga.

40:21Oh, like my grand Oh, right, I'm not related to that guy, which is probably good because it actually turns out Victor's great-great-great relative actually stabbed a Navajo chieftain in Europe in the back hundreds of years ago and it cursed. You know those blackberries you like? Yes, that's actually a blood curse. Fun fact.

40:38But get out of town. Yes, who would have figured? I love those blackberries.

40:43Yeah, it's a horrible omen. Oh man, do you think we're gonna make it through this?

40:48No. Oh well, I look forward to the sweet release of death. Carry on, son!

40:55In the distance, you uh we see the tower is like rising higher and higher, and uh Anna's like, this is not looking good. We are way behind schedule.

41:05I told you we should have left hours ago.

41:07Ooh, me? I I'm not in charge of anything.

41:09I'm just a guy, yellow ginge. She's the one that took forever getting that knapsack full of food, I'm assuming.

41:15You guys are laughing, but who's gonna need a sandwich by the end of the day? It's gonna be every one of you, I guarantee it.

41:22She stayed up all night making 700 peanut butter jelly sandwiches.

41:27And there's only 40 left. Let me see one of those sandwiches. It's blackberry. Blackberry sandwiches.

41:35I hate blackberries. Especially in sandwich form. Get this out of here.

41:41Now, Belmont, back to that delicious blackberry bush we were talking about.

41:45Off in the distance, we're getting closer and you hear brrrrrrr, like battle horns, and it's like, oh great, we don't even have the element of surprise on us. God damned. I know.

41:56He's apparently taught the hyenas to blow horns. This is the most terrifying thing I think I've ever thought of in my life.

42:04Alright, it's about time, Anna. Take the Soviet sisters into the front of town. We'll be entering through the sewers, as planned. Just now.

42:12Yes, quite right. I agree 100%. We planned that from the very beginning. Now, where am I going again?

42:18You're going with me, Van Helsing, and Naya. We are entering through the sewers. Ginger is joining us because the Soviet sisters don't want her. She's apparently a huge liability. And they will be the distraction outside of the city. We're hoping to go in, get the turnbuckle teddies on our side, and bum rush the her [expletive] Blitz? Blitz.

42:38Maybe Blitz. Yeah. Blitzkrieg is German. Lightning.

42:49Yes, we're gonna blitz the sun tower with the turnbuckle teddies while the Soviet sisters take on the Serpentine soldiers. Do I need to go over the pen again?

42:57No, I follow you 100% this time. And I'm sure the listeners at home do as well. Who? Nobody! Just the voices in my head. Now let's get to the sewers.

43:10And so they split off Soviet sisters. Uh I don't know what all 396 of them were riding on, but they apparently are just very fast and agile.

43:20I think there were some bigger ones, and the smaller ones are riding the bigger ones.

43:26The quote [expletive] dames were riding the unfuckable names in the battle.

43:31There was like uh a hundred ginges in all that mess, and they had saddles and [expletive].

43:37Okay, Naya, this is it. Now, are you armed? Yeah, I know you don't have your son weapons of lore, but we need to make sure you're ready. We could encounter anybody in these sewers or once we get into the city.

43:48I have what my father gave me, and that is nothing.

43:53Just these bare hands, I guess. Oh, it's like the skin, like of the dry skin illness.

43:59Oh, what is that? Eczema! I have I have what my father gave me. That is eczema.

44:08Okay. That's probably some ancient Mavajo god. Are we gonna assume? Great. Ben Helsing, do know your Into Gusher Burger.

44:16I don't, but I know someone who does. McNibbles! A temple. McNibbles comes flying out of my pocket.

44:24McNibbles, take us back to Bingo.

44:27Yeah, I assume he starts scurrying away and we follow.

44:30You know, there's one thing I've always respected, Van Helsing, and that is your respect garnered by rats. How did you do it? How did you first meet McNibbles and get the rats to rally to your cause?

44:41It was a long story. I think a flashback is never mind, we're good. I brought mushrooms! Resolute. No more flashbacks. It's an animality. Yes, exactly.

44:53Now, apparently, with ancient traditions, I have invested so much of my time in rats that I could transform into one at will. Stand back, Belmont. I'm going to try it now. We may need this in the battle against Bingo.

From 45:00

45:10I just imagine you get like a huge erection, or like a small erection.

45:14Ta-da!

45:17The loincloth goes up.

45:20I grew a tail. It looks like kind of like a rat's tail. Hair gerbils did a lot of experiments on me. It looks like a rat's tail. I'm sorry.

45:33Thank you, Venacing.

45:35That will be very useful. Imagine if I had 20 sets of foreskin. It looks like that. It's it's it's it's off-putting.

45:46But as you're doing that, it's like all of the rats in the sewer for some reason like start to like come up to you and they form like around you, and they're just all like waiting for your command.

45:58I did it, Naya! I did an animality.

46:02No, you didn't. This is something completely different.

46:08But still kind of useful. Your rat army can at least give enemies diseases that eventually will kill them long after this series has gone off the air.

46:17It's the perfect crime. He kind of swings his erection left and right, and the rats move in unison with the Let me see if I can harness this weapon.

46:27Forward match!

46:36You can you can tell we're a little rusty, folks. We took a couple episodes off and uh rat erections as we were going for tonight's episode.

46:46Beaumont, are we seriously going to follow our father through the sewers with an army of rats while he leads them with a very weird Do you have a better idea, Naya? At the moment, no, I don't even have a weapon.

46:57I just have eggs on. Then I think it's best you follow the erection rat army. Alright. But if it lasts longer than four hours, we're out of here. Well, we should call a doctor immediately. Left, left, left, right, left. All the time, Ginger's just like. I really like a man who takes charge.

47:17Thanks, Ging.

47:19Stop eyeballing me, my eyes are up here. So anyway, we get through the sewer and um, with you know, hundreds of rats by our side, and we come to the inside of the town. We can most certainly see the sun tower. It is Well, why don't you describe the sun tower?

47:34The sun tower. I haven't seen it for hundreds of years, it feels like. However old Naya is.

47:41Frankly, your backstory didn't really explain a timeline at all, so let's not even put numbers on it. Perfect!

47:47So, we look at the sun tower. It is humongous, now the tallest building in the entire town of Rushaburger Shepurger Sharker. Um, completely made of white glowing marble with gold inlays leading up to the top. It has a very Aztec Incan vibe to it with the way that it is structured, and then so just stairs leading up to a very large rectangle base at the top, kind of, and very ornate. All the steps have little designs and decals all inlaid with gold. It's very uh fancy.

48:21Night, I'm gonna need you to tell me what we do once we get inside the Sun Tower. Van Helsing's done it before, but he has the memory of a goldfish these days, thanks to the alchemist. Goebbels, I think his name was.

48:31Herr Gerbils! Herr Gerbils was his name. Now Not now, father. Let me explain. There is a trial, and the trial is you simply have to make it up the steps. Once we get to the landing at the very top, we shall be granted access. The steps are what's treacherous.

48:50Yes, if there's one thing Van Helsing's not very good at, it's stairs.

48:54Hey! These calves look amazing, and look at what these rats can do, and he switches his back and forth.

49:02Wow, that is so amazing.

49:04I've never seen ging keep up so well. I think you're not just motivating hundreds of disease-infested rats, but you're also motivating two hundred and seventy-six pounds of diabetes.

49:14Maybe ging is pot rat. Did anybody think about that? Checker for buck teeth.

49:20Oh yeah, she's got 'em.

49:22Ugh, and a snaggle tooth too.

49:23Anyway, anyway, we're not here to pick on ging. Ginge, we appreciate your company, and I'm sure you will play some kind of vital role by the end of this. I believe it. Her head is still going up and down and left and right. Holy [expletive], ton of vision, this one. Okay, let's go.

49:37Last time I was here, I just walked up the stairs. It was quite easy. Like this.

49:43And he falls down on his belly, and it's like, uh, uh, these are these are a lot steeper than I remember.

49:49Off in the distance, you can hear the Soviet sisters like battling, like just like war noises, like, ah, and like weapons clashing.

49:57Cling cling cling cling cling.

49:58Van Hessing, didn't you say we would run into the turnbuckle teddies at some point?

From 50:00

50:02I definitely thought we would.

50:04You push open the doors to the Sun Temple and see just like there are like 40 some dead turnbuckle teddies laid about the floor of the Sun Temple.

50:15One's still alive, and he's like, my eyes! My eyes!

50:21I don't even know where I am! And he falls down all the stairs to the bottom. My eyes!

50:29Oh, what a fall! I'd hate to fall down all those stairs, poor fella.

50:33Oh man, what happened to that guy? I don't know. I'd rather be one of these dead guys than that guy. He looked really messed up. It seems that they've taken this a step further than I imagined. There were stories that if a sacrifice large enough was made, that a portal would open up, and Sun God himself would show and grant his powers to whoever was brave enough to slaughter forty-seven brave soldiers. Ugh, I couldn't even begin to comprehend who would be crazy enough to try something like this. Who thinks that they can wield the power of a god?

51:17That would be me. Here, very distantly, like way at the top of the tower, echoing down. You can't really make it out very well, but Van Helsing knows that it is Bingo, calling down to him.

51:27Van Helsing turns around really fast and he knocks over a vase that was standing there.

51:32At waist level. Ah! I see. Actually, I don't see. I hear you.

51:39I hear you, Bingo. What are you doing here? Why have you killed these men? Do you really think that you could harness a power such as the sun god? Think?

51:48No. I am sure that I can harness the power of the sun, Ben Helsing. Now that the entire family is here, you, Naya, Chip, and even the Belmont Prat. Or whoever he is, you can witness my ascension to godliness. What have you done with Chip? Where is my brother? Oh, he's perfectly fine, right, Chip? And he likes to steps aside with some of you.

52:16Release my brother, you fiend. He has no no quarrel in this. He has no nothing at stake here. Let him be. Oh, I absolutely will do that.

52:27Once I've opened the portal to the sun god and attained his powers. But first I'm going to need you guys to come all the way up here.

52:36Oh my god, more stairs. A bigger rival than Bingo himself.

52:42Stairs. And uh out of like the shadows from under like the stairwell, the three hyenas come out.

52:48Well, son of a [expletive]!

52:50Alright, I wasn't expecting this. Ginge, you're going to have to sacrifice yourself to these hyenas so that we may pursue Bingo. Now just lay down, scoot over there.

53:00Uh guys, I I really don't know if I'm uh, you know, up for the task of taking on three hyenas. Just then, the doors burst open and the [expletive] the pregnant donkey comes in. And and Belmont's like, one ginger and one pregnant donkey. Versus three hyenas. Those are odds I'll take.

53:20That's the most fair fight I've ever heard of in my life. You go get them, but protect pregnant donkey with all of your might.

53:28Naya, please, you'll stay with me at least, right? I really need to save my brother Chip. I mean, it'd be kind of weird if I wasn't involved in saving Chip, you know, and I was like fighting a hyena that it just doesn't sit right with me, Ginj, like spiritually.

53:42So Van Helsing's assemble! And Belmont runs up the stairs leading the charge.

53:47Uh Naya follows, and so does Van Helsing.

53:52Wow. That's uh that's my future husband and stepkids right there, everybody. Ginge looks over and the donkey has like war paint underneath its eyes, like hee. She's like, Well, let's do this thing. And we'll cut away for a distance, so and we'll go to the stairwell. Belmont is like very eagerly like running up the stairs, like, yes, yes, I got this. No problem. And he's like, you know, like putting effort in. He's breathing a little bit, but you know, he thinks he's okay. And then Naya's just like, I imagine, like very casually keeping the same pace, like just walking.

54:24He has a look on his face, like, why the [expletive] are we going so slow? I thought we were rushing to get up these stairs.

54:34He's like, no, Naya, we clearly have to save our energy, so we have time to fight and save your brother.

54:41Right, Van Helsing? Quite right. I think he should, you know, but maybe Belmont, my boy, move slightly to the left, like put on a turn signal, you know.

54:51I'm I'm actually imagining there was one of those like elderly people chair things that like climb up the wall. And Van Helsing's just like, it's coming very slowly, but he's just sitting in this like old-fashioned throne thing that's just moving up the side of the spiral staircase.

From 55:00

55:07I'll be there as soon as I can, boys. Ringo left this for me down here.

55:15Well, it couldn't have been more convenient.

55:17It'd be silly not to use it.

55:19As we're going up the stairs, uh, I want to say that there's like different rooms. Belmont's like, Naya, is there anything in any of these rooms that might be helpful on our way up?

55:28I don't know, I'll glance. I got plenty of time since you're leading the charge. I could probably explore these rooms for hours and then still meet you at the top.

55:37You're being a [expletive], but I also think there's some logic. Go ahead, run up ahead and check some of the rooms and see if there's anything valuable we can use.

55:44I burst through the first room.

55:46It's just a ton of really poorly drawn paintings of Belmont's mother with gigantic over-exaggerated [expletive].

55:55I think I can spend another couple seconds here. Uh-huh. He's like trying to like blink his eyes, like trying to like photograph him like okay. Mental note.

56:06Alright, back up. Belmont's going up the stairs and he's like, Vatiza, what is Naya doing when he's spending so much time in that room?

56:13Alright, hold on. The chair's almost there. Oh no, Belmont, the chair broke a little bit. I'm gonna have to try to repair it in this room. Excuse me for some minutes. Rat army! Follow Belmont! I'll be here.

56:31You just like flick it over. Just go get him.

56:37And then he goes and closes the door into that room for a little bit.

56:42Oh, it must be a recovery chamber, right, Naya? Yes, he will get a lot of recovery in that chamber. I don't know when he gets out if he'll be able to control the rats anymore, but hey, what can you do? That's some sun god power right there, huh? Oh yes, that room was very intense. I don't know why Bingo redecorated it so quickly to look like that. It was the perfect distraction, I'm sure, for dad.

57:10So you guys keep ascending the stairs. Oh nah, there's there's a lot of stairs. I I'm really getting a little tired. Maybe we stop in this next room and maybe I catch breath if that's okay with you. That's fine.

57:23As long as it doesn't contain any portraits of your mother with voluptuous large breasts like that last room. Wait, what? Never mind. I think this is some kind of weapons cache room. You know what? I I will take my time in here. There has to be something in here that can help in the battle ahead. So, uh, it's almost like uh like a storage room, but like these weapons are from the Sun Temple itself, and a lot of them seem to be unaccessible. Like they're maybe for decoration, or they're part of the wall, and they're locked up.

57:23But there is one that seems to be open, and Naya approaches it, and as he approaches it, he slides his hand out towards it, and it is a war axe, so it is a large stone uh that's basically been wrapped and tied to a club. It's rather neat looking. It's made of the same marble that um the sun temple is made out of, but it still has like traditional leather wrappings, but with little gold fiber inlays in it, and it works its way down the handle, which has ornate carvings. And then as soon as Naya grabs the handle, he gets like a flash in his eyes, where it's the sun god looking down on him, and no words-like the real sun god?

57:23Yes, yes, yes, yes, and no words are spoken, but he sees it in his eyes, and it's like when you have a dream, and nothing happened in the dream, but you have a feeling, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so he has this feeling that the sun god is letting him have this axe, this war axe, just because Chip, his real son, is in danger, and Naya kind of accepts it, and then it flashes back to reality, and then the white marble glows bright orange for just a second and then back to white.

59:15From uh Belmont's perspective, it was just you holding like out your hand to like nothing, and then like a tear coming down, rolling down Naya's face. And then in the meantime, Belmont's like, Is Chip short for something like Chipotle or something? That doesn't seem like a very Navajo name.

59:31And then Naya turns around, axe in hand. Chip is short for Chipanananawe.

59:38God damn it. I mean, hey, new record, you made it almost an hour and a half without offending something or somebody.

59:46You're welcome. Chip is short for nothing. It is Chip, and he is my brother, and I shall save him. I am now on a quest from the sun god himself. I b I think. It's it's all confusing. I'm tired of flashbacks and cutaways. The point is I have this weapon now, so let's go kill Bingo.

From 60:00

60:05That's the Naya I know. Finally good to see you snap out of that depression now. Are you ready, brother? And does like the 80s like arm shake thing.

60:14Um sure. And he grabs you and does the 80 high five, but then like pulls you like backwards. He's like, I'll lead this time. And he starts sprinting up the stairs.

60:25And as you guys burst out, Van Helsing's coming up in the chair again. Like flushed. He's like flush and like on my way.

60:35It's a lot of work to get this chair back together. I took it apart, put it back together, took it apart again. It's working now. Don't worry, boys. I'm coming.

60:44So we're gonna cut over to the Soviet sisters, and this entire time they've just been watching as these like giant army has been on the like outskirts of Grocer Burger, has just been like slowly limping back and forth, like in their direction. Like it's almost like zombies, but if like zom even like zombies that kind of stay in place and like you know, like kind of just rock back and forth, but like these guys are literally like walking and like almost like serpentining. And uh Anastasia or uh Nakrokenov is like Vin Helsing was not getting these men cannot walk in a straight line. They will be no challenge for Zusophia sisters.

61:21It seems as if some of them are new members, because they're like there's a trail of blood still coming from them. It's really gross.

61:30Thank you, sister Burgachov.

61:34I am sister number one hundred and twenty-seven. It's like an extra. They didn't give me a name. They said they ran out of names at the sister chapel.

61:45They're not great odds, sisters. We are one to seven of these servent soldiers, but we are the superior gender. We are smarter, stronger, and better in bed and Z Kitchen than any of these men. Now, pick up your weapons and show them what it means to be a Soviet sister.

62:03Here, here, sister! Ha! Yeah! Yes, girl, get it! Get it, queen!

62:10And uh, as they like raise their weapons and prepare to charge in, um, a donkey comes running like towards them and has war paint on its face, and there's like there's like a bloody clothing draped around the donkey, and it rides up to the to Anna or to Nakrakenov and she's like, I think things are not going well at the Sun Temple.

62:30Oh my god, that cannibal donkey ate gin!

62:35No, it would probably be easy to the way around, but we need to make haste. I think they need the help.

62:41Alright, so we're not gonna fight the zombies. Slash three-toad three thing slingers.

62:47I'll take care of the zombies!

62:53Yes, I'm still in this episode.

62:57And uh he kinda like swaps down and starts hitting, but what's kinda weird is he like can totally like knock some of them off their feet. I'd say even say most many of them, but some of them just phase right through them. I don't understand. This happened in the Soviet Sisters Summit as well. It seems like the ghost man can only hurt some people, but not others. What's that about?

63:18I can only affect adulterers.

63:23Oh, that makes a lot of sense. And makes sense that most men are affected and most women would not.

63:30That does make sense, I agree with that.

63:35Okay, Soviet sisters, a quarter of you. Everybody count off in forest. And anybody who counts one will go help Zigo study.

63:44One! That's me! I'm a one-too, sister! Damn right you are!

63:51And anyway, just cuts to giant swaths of [expletive] three-toed three-thing slingers being knocked out by the ghost victor and some of the women going to battle while another group heads towards the sun temple. And we go back to Naya and Van Helsing and Belmont at the almost peak of the stairwell of the Sun Temple.

64:13How does this chair even work? Is there electricity? Is it powered by the sun? It's on this rail! And who put this in here? Did Bingo have this planned from the beginning? Did he install this very nice chair?

64:27I don't know, but you never would have got up here, Van Helsing, if not for this chair.

64:31Like who's visiting the sun god that needs this chair? Does he have an elderly grandma who frequents him? And she needs this chair to get up all these [expletive] stairs?

64:40I I know we said that we wouldn't do any flashbacks, but I imagine back when Van Helsing was impersonating being the sun god and being Naya's dad, he was just riding the chair like up and down, like literally all day. And he's like, I need one chair. I'm not doing the stairs anymore. Like he's just like goes on a rant about how he needs a motorized chair because he's so he's over it.

64:59First things first, I am the sun god first and foremost. A motorized chair shall be installed in this temple, or heads will roll. I guarantee it.

From 65:00

65:11Did we ever establish are there like staff in the Sun Temple? Like, are there other things or people? I always thought it was just empty besides the sun. Tal Square is like, Mr. Helsing, no one's here.

65:25But I'm also an engineer, so I'll tell you how to make this chair. Very well, Talsquare. Let's get down to business.

65:33Flash forward. Oh yes, that's where the chair came from, and it has ATV engraved on the back of the chair. Wait, what's ATV? Abraham Timothy Van Helsing. Oh, I was thinking all-terrain vehicle. I was like, what the [expletive]? Funny thing is, it does that too, and he pushes a button and it turns into a rascal.

65:58He's following Maya.

66:07It's all canon. We're running with everything this [expletive] episode. I'm not editing any of this out.

66:12Check and mate bingo.

66:19So, um, you guys arrive at the top of the Sun Temple with these grand ornate doors.

66:26I feel like Tall Square should have put a basket on this. It feels like it's really missing a basket. You know, like McNibbles can sit in the front.

66:33Father, now is not the time for you to be complaining about the contraption you made years ago.

66:38I know, I'm just saying, you know, if there was ever a time to say it before we move on to the next chapter and then forget about my rascal scooter.

66:47What I want to know is why have we been riding around in a wagon for 32 episodes when in fact you have an HGV sun god rascal on you.

66:56Technically, Tall Square engineered this. I just built it. Like, he doesn't help me with anything else, he's an [expletive]. He just haunts me.

67:04But he could tell that these stairs were a real burden on my hips, so he helped me this one time. I had a bachelor's degree at the age of seven. Not now, Tall Square. Now, stand aside, and I shall push my way through these doors. And he just starts reving it.

67:24No, I think I think we need an ancestor of the sun god to open the door. Which I don't think we have any of those here, and he looks at Naya.

67:33I'm afraid I'm not, but I can surely try. Maybe with the power imbued from this axe, it might give me enough. And then he goes and kneels forward and makes a prayer. And Van Helsing's like, boring!

67:49And he just like revs the engine and just like ra Barry like rams the door. Runs over Naya's foot on his way to the door.

67:57I feel like right before like Van Helsing like tries to like impact the door, they just automatically open on their own. And we'll stop there.

68:05Yeah.

68:06Well, that was something.

68:08We were a little rough around the edges. Our two-week hiatus.

68:13No, honestly, Nate. I I I think we have enough there. Like, that's an hour and forty-eight minutes. Would I cut that down to 53 minutes? There's gonna be action-packed, joke after joke, erection good old time.

68:26I think so too. I'm excited for it. And I like the action. The action was good.

68:30Yeah. What do you think, Nate? Do you think we're gonna have an actual dice rolling battle in the final episode?

68:35Ooh, we can. That'd be a lot of fun. Or would it?

68:38I don't know. I've listened to the old episodes. Yeah, it was. We'll see. We'll see. Right. Leave a comment. If you leave a comment in Spotify and tell us you want dice, you will get dice in the final episode.

68:49Perhaps a coin flip might be easier on these two fellas trying their damnedest to make a decent podcast worth more than two stars. Perhaps less than three, and definitely more than one. Son of a [expletive]. That guy's a real piece of [expletive]. Thanks for listening. And good night. Bye.