The Spy Who Gagged Me

From 0:00

0:15Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents the Daft Monks podcast. Hey Nate. Nate, it is I, other Nate from the future. And I'm here to tell you, don't record this episode. It'll be your doom. Oh my god, will it? Hey Nate.

0:34Oh my did you did you hear that other other Nate? No, what are you talking about? Oh, I just heard a very ominous other Nate telling me not to record this episode because it's going to be my doom.

0:44Well, no, no, no. Don't know what you mean. It must uh be one of your crazy conspiracies.

0:49Yeah, [expletive] it. Let's roll with it.

0:51Let's go. How's it going, Nate? It's going, ma'am. A little tired, but not too bad. How about you? I'm uh I'm pretty peachy keen, as as it were. Ooh, okay.

1:00Is that is that how you really say it? Peachy keen?

1:03Yeah. Is there another way to say it?

1:05I always just thought it was peachy king, like a king of peaches, but then that doesn't make sense. You just made that up.

1:11That's that's not a thing.

1:13So what's up? Anything new and exciting?

1:15Nate, I've gotten really into axe throwing. Ooh, how's that going? Tell me all about it. Well, first off, let's let's go on a little bit of a tangent here. Do you remember the first time I went axe throwing, which was with you at the Renfair? Do you do you recall?

1:30Vividly. Like it was yesterday. One of my favorite memories.

1:34It was probably like four years ago.

1:36Yeah. Good times though.

1:38That whole experience was pretty bizarre, I think. Like, is that how you remember? I remember it as like a pretty odd day. Like, not bad, but odd.

1:47Right. It there was some a little weirdness to that day, mostly from the looks that I was getting standing next to you, I believe. What? Yeah, I kept getting looked at by other guys like eyeballing me. Like, what's up with that guy? And I'm like, hey man, we're just friends here.

2:04What? I don't remember that.

2:06I swear, I swear.

2:08Alright, hold on. We gotta we gotta rewind this back. So, first of all, what was supposed to happen that day was a whole bunch of our DD group, like literally like five or six of us, were supposed to go to the Renfair. Now that narrowed down very fast within 24 hours to three of us, which is you, me, and then um Megan. Megan did still go. But Megan went and then immediately ditched us for her friends, which is fine. But so it just ended up being you and me going to the Renfair, which I don't know, like that was the first time we had ever hung out not like in a group setting before, right? Yeah, so it was weird. Like I didn't know what to say to you.

2:08I remember there just being a lot of us just like walking around, kind of making like polite comments. It was weird, it was odd, right?

2:53It was definitely a little bit different, but I think we, you know, we're already good friends, so it worked out. We saw the cat show together, yeah, which was amazing. That was the highlight.

3:04Yeah, that was uh it was basically like a some person, she she kind of did some gymnast stuff too, but she trained her like three different cats to do like mundane circus feats. I don't remember any of them, honestly. I wish I could tell you.

3:19Oh no, it wasn't cats, it was rats. It was rats, but then the cats did not do any uh performance, which I think was part of the joke.

3:26Yes, okay. She actually trained rats, but she had one cat who was just like an a lazy [expletive] who would just like sit on her, like like she would like beg her to do stuff and it wouldn't. So it was like a comedy rat animal performance. That was something. That was something. Do you also remember, Nate? I remember there was like the torture museum and that being like something you were really into.

3:49Yep, I really liked that.

3:51And then I stood in line to ride an elephant, and that was definitely the weirdest moment of that entire trip for me. Everybody was like taking turns riding around an elephant, it's actually you know pretty fun. But I kind of thought they would let me go by myself, and instead they stuck me with this father's son, so it was like a dad, his little kid really close together, and then a foot away, me sitting behind. And you're honestly supposed to hold the person in front of you, but I didn't want to do that. It was weird, it was very uncomfortable. I did not expect that to happen, and then you caught it on like I think you got a picture or something.

4:25I did that actually showed up on my memories like two days ago. It was like, hey, do you remember four years ago?

4:31It was a picture of you on an elephant with it with two other random people I don't know.

4:36Well, the dad was so big you couldn't even see the little kid, so it almost looks like you and me on there because he has like a similar build to me. And I was like, That can't be me. Who took the picture? And I never rode an elephant, I'm too big for that.

4:47The whole thing was so bizarre, and then we wanted to leave, but like we came with Megan, so we're like trying to track her down, which she was like [expletive] Houdini, like Carmen San Diego. Just like she'd tell us, like, she's oh, I'm over at this thing, and we get there, she'd be like, actually, I'm at this thing. And I'm like, Okay.

From 5:00

5:01Right, like, God forbid you stop moving for a second and then let your friends catch up with you.

5:07I could like literally not find her, and then at the end, she's like, I'm just gonna stay with my friends. We're like, Okay, cool. We're glad we waited like this last 45 minutes, but yeah, we're out of here.

5:16Bye.

5:17Yeah, it was it was an experience, but anyway, that was the first time I went X throwing. That was with you, and I did horrible. I was so embarrassed. Of course, you like had you done it before, or are you just good at it?

5:27I did it uh once before at the Renaissance Fair before, and then I have been known to get the little certificate for hitting this heart in the dead center.

5:36Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, well, I've gotten some bullseyes here too, and then uh now it's like all the rage. A bunch of places have opened up here in Tucson. There's like two different shops, at least that I know of. I've been to both. One of them's really uncomfortable because they make a lot of like wood and penetration jokes. Oh it was really weird. I went like my uncle was in town for like one day, and he had never seen my house. So he came, drove down from Phoenix, saw my house, and I was like, Hey, let's just kill some time, let's go axe throwing. And then there's just this guy, like, I'm gonna wet the wood. And he's like, Oh, didn't penetrate it deep enough. And I was just like, This is weird, man. Right.

5:36Like there was laughs, but it was like nervous laughter. It was it was not great, Nate.

6:15Right. Like, we're we're throwing sharp objects, let's keep the sexual innuendos down a little bit.

6:20It was odd, and then I was I was a little annoyed because they made us wear name tags and write like wood puns. And I put, do you know who Professor Oak is?

6:28From uh Pokemon.

6:30Yeah, okay. And you're not even a big so even, but even you could like figure out. But he's like, I don't get it. I was like, I was so offended. Like I had to sit through all his terrible like penetration jokes. Because I yeah, I don't get it, it's not funny.

6:43Right. You channeled your inner Greta.

6:45You're like, how dare you?

6:47It was so stupid. Um, but no, I've gotten pretty good. Apparently, there's two leagues there's like a hatchet league and a knife throwing league. So I might join the knife. I haven't done the knives yet. You have to pay for like a different package. I have done the ninja stars though, those are a lot easier to throw. Right. And they actually make the like the swing, like the swing like the noise.

7:05Ooh, that is cool. So for everyone at home who's not familiar, like how would a league work? So, would it be like a dart league? And then you just go with a team and then you score based on that, or how does that work exactly?

7:17You're asking the wrong guy. I've only done like five minutes of talking to him, but it's it's you're scored individually, it's not really a team. So I think you just go. I know you do for the knives, you mentioned there's like different distances you have to stand at. You don't stand at the same distance, and it's something like five throws, and they they score it over the course of the season. I I don't know too much more than that, unfortunately, but it's not not team-based or anything like that.

7:41Oh, okay. And then for everyone else who also doesn't know, like Nate's talking about they have these little uh shops or businesses where they just have big planks of wood with painted targets on the back of them, and then you stand a certain distance, and then throw your weapon of choice to see if it sticks.

7:56It's uh it's pretty good. Like I did it with a coworker she wanted to go, and I was like, oh, I'm like not super athletic, but I go to the gym. He's like not athletic at all. No, I could see that he was freaking great, Nate. Probably because he's from Mexico. I don't know. You gotta bullseye the second one. What? And yeah, he was really, really good. But it totally depends. So they'll coach you usually the first like 15 minutes because there's different, like there's taller axes and shorters, like different weights. So it affects like the distance you would stand at and the rotation. They'll they'll coach you, and it's kind of like you'll feel dumb, you'll miss the first few times, but like once you get it, it's just like super natural.

7:56Like once you once you know how it like it feels, like when to let go, you just it's easy to just keep sticking it. Right. I would love to do that with like a bunch of people. I was even thinking of doing it for my husband's birthday of just like having a bunch of people and just throwing [expletive]. So we'll see. I don't know. I'll check out the league. But I thought of you Nate because that was like literally our first bonding experience.

8:49Yeah. Well, we're definitely have to go down there, especially when I come down for the con. If we got some downtime, hop in and throw some axes.

8:57Yeah, it'd be fun. So, Nate, I wanted to. I hear you got a uh jujitsu tournament coming up, and last we talked about you, your knee was not doing so hot. Yeah. Are you recovered and do you have clearance to go potentially hurt yourself again?

9:14Uh, my knee is about 90% right now. So I think that's good enough, and I'll be extra cautious. But luckily, this tournament I signed up for has weight division, rank, and as well age division. So the age is uh 30 and up for my division. So I will not be fighting any of these young up and coming bucks, I guess.

9:40No, you're gonna be fighting experienced people who are probably a higher weight.

9:45No, that's fine. But I'm fine with it. It should be good. And then I also signed up uh besides my division, I signed up for a thing called Challenger. And if you're not familiar with uh grappling, it's similar to what they would call an absolute division. So an absolute division means wide open, anybody can enter. But this one's a little bit different, it's called Challenger, and it's wide open weight, but only from 170 and up, and still only purple belts, which is what I am, and still uh 30 years and older. So everything like lined up where I'm like, you know what?

From 10:00

10:23I'll try it. Why not? All right. Have you at least been back? Have you done some practices since then?

10:28Like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So yeah, I'm back in it. Uh where it's at now, where I'm at now, it's a great little place, especially for being out here in Perump. I don't have a lot of options. And from what I'm used to, I would definitely consider it more of a uh hobbyist gym than an actual like training to fight gym. But honestly, Nate, with my injuries and my age and my back and everything, like hobbyist gym sounds like the gym for me.

10:57Well, I'm I'm glad you're feeling better and uh good luck at your tournament. That sounds fantastic that you're like aligned with people who are kind of in your same level. I I guess kind of curious, Nate. How are you only a purple belt? I feel like how long have you been doing jujitsu?

11:11Oh man, I've been doing jujitsu so long. I originally got my blue belt senior year of high school, and I was really young when I got it. Actually, I had it before senior year. I want to say I got it when I was like 16, 17, so junior year I got my blue belt. But due to my line of work, it's really hard to continue my education in jiu-jitsu, and especially during my apprenticeship, because it's a four-year-long apprenticeship. So during that time I had all this book work to do on top of going to work, and I think the stress was just too much, and then having a manual labor job, I couldn't do it, man. So I had to take a long hiatus, and actually I didn't pick it back up.

11:11So what did I take? Probably a five, six, maybe even seven-year long hiatus, and then I didn't pick it back up till we moved back in Tucson. And then I was like, hey, there's like a bunch of gyms, you know, like that's new for me. I'll go check it out. And then instantly I that became a problem because I went and checked it out. Obviously, I still love the sport, and then that turned into me going five [expletive] days a week, Megan being pissed at me. But I love it, man. I can't get enough of it.

12:23So what is the requirement to like get those last year? Because what it's like purple, brown, black, or is it the same?

12:28Yep. So yep. So uh for adults, you start off with uh white belt, and then usually it's about two years to get your blue, and that just depends on how good you are, how natural of an athlete, how many days a week you go, and the instructor basically needs to just feel that you're at a blue belt level. And then after that, blue to purple is actually a little bit longer. That can take anywhere from two to an additional four years because if we're if we're looking at it like a strategy kind of thing, like this is where you really need to show you got what it takes to be the upper belt. And then after that, another two years from purple to brown, which basically I skipped a year moving out here again.

12:28But I'm still kind of close, right on track with that. And then another two years. This is just the average, you know, usually a lot some people are more fast-tracked, and then some gyms aren't as legit, so it's a little iffy.

13:25So, in my understanding, it's like it's time and the discretion of the gym.

13:30Correct. Yeah, and then some of them have like credentials that you need to follow and everything like that. And then some places want you to fight in turn tournaments to improve the name of their school, and then you have to go and fight in these [expletive] tournaments. But to be honest, some people just aren't good at tournaments, like it's a high stress situation with a lot on the line, and then it cost this tournament I entered, it cost me 120 bucks just to enter it.

13:53Oh, that's yeah, that's a huge like barrier for entry for especially like younger people.

13:57Oh, right, and then you're like you're going into this, and there's a good chance you you might just lose. So then you waste 120 bucks just to get beat up by somebody. Like you can go do that at a bar.

14:11Not recommended.

14:12No, but I have a good feeling about it. And then uh I was gonna leave it a surprise, but I'll just tell you since we're on if I do get first place, uh obviously I get pictures taken of me on top of the podium, and then that gets posted all over their website. I will be wearing my Nat One Presents shirt if I get first place on the podium.

14:31Solid. Good luck then. I I honestly I just hope you have a you have a good time. And I please God, just don't injure yourself. No, what was it called? Like the worm wrangle or the what was the worm lasso, yeah. Worm lasso. No worm lassos for you.

14:45No, next time you see me on camera nate, I'll be looking like uh Vinny in a wheelchair and [expletive].

14:52Oh man.

14:52All right, Nate. I had such a good time last episode when you ranked DD books out of nowhere and then unveiled the secret racist version of the spell jammer campaign. So now I want to dig into like what else do you know? So I'm gonna give you an option. It's up to you. I either want to hear your opinion on the worst five DD rules, or I want your opinion on what are the worst magic items and best magic items that you can probably get in a D campaign. So it's up to you uh your pick.

From 15:00

15:24So let's go with um the magic items. I like that a lot. Uh off the top of my head, the very worst thing that I found no uses for, except for weird role-playing, would be the wand of smiles in Xanthar's guide of everything. So not only is it a wand that only has three charges, and you can expend a charge to just force a person to smile for one minute, it has a [expletive] DC 10 charisma saving throw attached to it. So there's a good chance that there's a mix of winning.

16:02Yeah, so it's a complete [expletive] waste of time, man.

16:06Like here I am with this magical item like smile, and there's a really good chance they're gonna be like, no, not gonna do it. So now I look like a crazy person pointing a stick at somebody telling them to smile, you know? Waste of [expletive] time.

16:22Wow, that's already like what else you got? Wow, that's bonkers.

16:26Let me see here. I got the list. That was the first thing off the bat. Another thing that I don't like that's on there, I can see the uses of it, but it is the cast off armor. It's magical item, obviously, and it's for armor, but as an action, you can take it off. That is all it does. It helps you take off your armor. Now, if you're in plate, I get it. And if you're playing those kind of rules, but Nate, we never play those [expletive] kind of rules because that's we never do boring as [expletive]. And now to have a waste of a magical item to wear an action, you can be like, uh, armor off. Like, wow, what a doozy.

17:08That reminds me of one of them. I don't remember. You know, I'm bad names, Nate, so I won't remember, but there's one where it's like it's a walking stick that can turn into a sword, but just once. Yeah. So it's like, okay, I guess, like, you know, it's kind of one of those things of like, oh, leave all your weapons at the door. And it's like, oh, you won't take my walking stick, will you? Like one time you'll do something cool and then be like, activate sword. But like, you have to carry it around the whole time, and that's like that's it. I don't know. It's a very like one trick pony.

17:08Like, and like, are you gonna carry that walking stick the whole time for that one moment where maybe you can bring it in? I I don't know.

17:43Oh, yeah. And then if you're using a staff, if you're using the stick as a staff, anyways, then it's like, hey man, I've seen druids like that's a weapon, just [expletive] leave it at the door. You know, you're not walking in here with a big stick, Greta. Okay, so calm the [expletive] down.

17:59Totally, totally. I saw another one again, it improved your role on agriculture checks or something. I don't know. I was like, what? Like, why would I want that? Right. Who's playing this game where they're like doing agriculture checks?

18:13A whole party of [expletive] druids out there, like do an agriculture check. It's okay. I'm great with berries. I got a plus six in berries.

18:27Oh amazing. Uh more practical, honestly. I always hated I I tended to get like items that were like increases your swim speed. I'm like, when the [expletive]? I can't remember a single campaign where swimming was like, and and I know like there's mechanics for it, but I can't think of a single campaign I've ever played where we use swimming and we like measured swimming.

18:48Right now we're in Cholt, which is an island surrounded by [expletive] water. Not one of us has gone swimming, except for maybe the druid who turned into a fish, which I'm pretty sure has a great [expletive] swim speed. Nobody else is even getting in the water. Totally, totally.

19:02That that leads me into, I guess, like just a bleed into the other thing I mentioned, like rules in DD that suck. Like, I hate like measuring jumps, I hate measuring like swim speed and stuff like that. Like it makes sense for like the main movements, like running and movement, like that all that makes sense to me. But the fact that like a jump has to be like, yeah, if you if it's a running start and then it's like whatever, half of your blank, I'm like, just let me [expletive] jump. Like, you know, like or have me just do a roll and make it like random. Or I don't know, but like I don't want to do that much math.

19:02That's like going back into like old school DD where you need to abacus, you know.

19:38Right. Anytime somebody's like, hey, I want to do this, and then the DM's like, okay, let me run some calculations on it. Yeah, nope, you lost me.

19:46I'm not gonna do it. Never mind. No, it's over. Yeah, yeah. Let me run some models. Like, no, yeah, no, just forget it. You know, especially because there's like spells too, like uh oh, there's misty step. Misty step, that's what I was saying, not featherfall. I feel like DD forces me to use spells for impractical reasons instead of just letting me jump like in a normal way, like or the jump spell, like get out of here.

From 20:00

20:06Like, I am not wasting one of my spells on the jump spell, even though our druid has it now and has used it at the same time. Like, you can still you can turn into a [expletive] bird and fly over there. Like, why are you worried about [expletive] jumping? You know, nobody's jumping.

20:23I remember that. I I remember like and I wasn't even paying attention, and I like scratched my head on that one. I'm like, did I just hear that right? Like the druid wants to jump. I think one of us even made a joke about like, can't you just transform?

20:35Yes, yes, just turn you can turn into something and go over there way easier than casting wasting a spell slot on jump, and then everybody else just jumped with their own ability. A complete waste.

20:48I'm like a 90-year-old man and I jumped, you know.

20:51Yeah, and then I'm pretty sure I have a negative in strength and decks, and that's the only reason I took Featherfall. Is in case I jump and don't make it, I'll be like, oh, featherfall. Yeah, that makes sense. I'll slowly coast onto those spikes. Amazing.

21:06All right, Nate. Well, I think uh we took a week off, so I think we have some people waiting on the next installment of the Daft Monks uh campaign, Journey, Tale, Legacy, Legend, Adventure. So uh yeah, you ready? You ready to play? Oh, I am born ready.

21:24The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our hearts are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.

21:41I wouldn't quite stay lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.

21:58And we're back. Yeah.

22:02Thanks, Nate. You're in the kitchen. You're welcome. Per Tradition, can you go ahead and give us uh and I know we've we've kind of bounced around now, but give us Van Helsing's summary of not the last episode or the episode before it. The last Van Helsing episode, so Groscherberg episode. Oh, Grocerberger Scherberger.

22:19On the last adventures of the Daftmonks. Here we were, me and my swami Bingo Bango. He forced me into some town when I wanted to go to Chilt, but at the flip of a coin, we went to Herscheberger Scherger. The weirdest named town in all of the land. It sounds like grocery burger, but not it's Herschaberger Scherberger. Bingo had these plans and stuff, and I only half paid attention. And then he made me go around and run some errands, and then made me feel bad, but it got me a new bestie at the brothel. She's a very nice lady. She's about my size, very masculine. We talked, you know, we shared outfits, but then after that I went ahead and went on to Bingo's party, where we met some kind of criminal masterminds.

22:19There was this really buff muscular guy, really greasy, kind of gross when I looked at him. There's a really quiet guy with only three toes, which made more room for his Italian leather shoes. There was a Russian dame with an eye patch. And I knew, let me tell you something, listeners. I knew when I saw that eye patch, I am going to own that eye patch. And I did, at some point later on. There was some slimy vampire in a wheelchair. So we have the dinner party. Bingo does his plans. I'm doing my best not to ruin any of the plans. And I do a flawless job at it. Flawless, perfect. I look at the dictionary of perfection and I see everything that I've done at this dinner party. Absolute perfection.

22:19And then they all died. And then um Bingo took over and was like, I'm running the show now. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I was like, man, I don't think this guy's my friend anymore. Like, where's Belmont? You know, is he out there making new friends? I hope not. Because what if they're better than me? This is all I'm thinking about the entire time. And um, that's pretty much the end of what happened.

24:17Excellent. As always, a super succinct, totally on point and accurate uh summation of the previous.

24:24So you're welcome.

24:26So we'll be picking up today. So how I imagine it, Van Helsing, he's actually been going back to that brothel quite often to hang out with that chick who he borrowed clothes from. Because he's kind of like really peeved off at uh bingo and is kind of suspecting that he's just like a part of bingo's plan and not a partner or a friend or anything like that. You're sitting in her room, you guys are like crosslegged facing each other, you're braiding her hair, she's braiding your beard, and you're just like commiserating, you know, like complaining, inventing about your current situation. That's where we'll pick up today.

24:59And then Bingo told me to take out the trash. Like, you have two good legs and two arms, you know, like you could take out the trash. I've been doing all kinds of work.

From 25:00

25:07Yeah, duh. Uh I I hear you. He sounds pretty terrible. But listen, why are you here uh so often? Sometimes I gotta work, you know. Like I love the company, but you know, these sleepovers, they're getting kind of old, dear.

25:19Look at me in my eyes. Okay. You are not getting any work. Nobody is coming in here to be with you.

25:28That's not true. I mean, sometimes there's a guy who comes and he knocks on the door and then he's actually drunk and he's knocking for some other chick's door, Anastasia, whatever.

25:39But uh, you know, like one of these days could be my big day. Do you wanna do you wanna block me? You wanna [expletive] block me on on my big day, then he'll sing.

25:47You're talking about Jimmy. I've met him. He's the blind paraplegic man whose family just wheels him in here. He doesn't know what's going on. Half the time you're just wiping the drool from his mouth. It's very sad.

26:00You know what's sad is we're on the top floor and his poor family wheels him all the way up here every time. Not handicapped accessible at all.

26:09I know. What's up with this brothel? Terrible location. The great mall of America brothels this place. Not one escalator.

26:17Okay, okay, fine, Venice. Maybe I'm not super busy, but I don't know. Like, what do you want me to tell you, okay? If you don't like bingo, just just go, get out of here. You know, you're free.

26:28Unlike me, you know, you're not trapped here.

26:31It's not that easy, you know, like he has this way of like gaslighting me and telling me things and making me feel like [expletive]. It's a very abusive relationship, really.

26:41Oh, like when you ask me if I'm a man or that you are a woman three times in a row, or tell me that you like to help the less fortunate, you know, you kinda replicate some of his behavior, you know.

26:52It was a legitimate question. I don't want to offend you, you know, and call you a man when you're actually a woman. Like, I'm sorry, my eyesight's not what it used to be, okay? And um, you're right. I'm sorry.

27:04It cuts to like the braids you're doing are just tangles and like doesn't look at all good. You've like you've like veiled her face with her hair.

27:13I got like a pocket full of mud and I'm patting it into the hair. There you go.

27:21Thanks, doll. Okay, well, I I don't know. Like, what do you what do you want me to tell you? You show up every hair, every night, wearing an eye patch. Uh, where did you even get that thing?

27:31Some Russian lady, I think. She was a femme fatale or something, and she died. A terrible, terrible death by eating soup. A very spicy soup.

27:41Wait, are you talking about the white Russian?

27:44Yes, that's the one, I think.

27:46You're wearing the white Russian's eye patch?

27:49Yes, it looks rather dashing on me, doesn't it? There was this one time that actually wore two eye patches and rode an entire route on a horse and carriage. But that's besides the point. I love a good eye patch.

28:00Fan Helsing, do you know what that eyepatch symbolizes?

28:04No, that I'm a strong feminine woman.

28:07Well, no, but yes, I mean, that's the the leader of the the Soviet sisters wears that eyepatch. You you're basically holding the like key to an entire faction of female revolutionists, and that would follow your every whim if they knew you were wearing that.

28:23I see. Now explain that to me again as if I were an idiot.

28:27There's 400, well, I guess 399 since that other one died at the dinner, but there's four hundred, uh, what did you call them? Oh, that's right, unfuckable dames. Yes. Who I can attend to your every whim if you just ask for it.

28:43Oh, I see.

28:45Maybe this could help you with your situation with bingo.

28:49You're right. I could go make three hundred and ninety-nine more friends, and I wouldn't even need bingo.

28:56Or me, and she looks down kind of sad.

28:59Oh, come on, you could join the femme fatales.

29:02You think so.

29:03No. Um, you wouldn't happen to know like where their base is located or anything, would you?

29:13Well, I don't, but I'm pretty sure one of the chicks who works here is actually one of the Soviet sisters. She doesn't actually conduct the same kind of business that the rest of us do. Oh, where's she located? Uh, she's a few floors down. She's uh quite the looker, so they keep her closer to the ground floor.

29:29I see. Do I need to schedule an appointment? Unlike when I come to hang out with you.

29:33No, no, I uh here, I'll I I'll get you the inn if you promise to get them to let me join their ranks. Because I'm sick of it, then he'll sing. I don't I don't want to be here anymore. Like, what am I doing? I'm wasting my life up here. Nobody's coming to see me, you know? Who am I kidding?

29:49That's true. You've been sitting for so long, you're starting to get sores in places. It's very grotesque. Okay, alright, you don't need to get into details there.

29:57So I'll show you where this chick's broom is. Her name's Anna, and you'll get me into the Soviet Sisters. Deal?

From 30:00

30:04That that is a deal if I've ever heard one. You lead the way because my depth perception isn't that great while I wear the patch.

30:12Alright, so she uh you guys, you know, go out of the room and uh she turns around, she's like, Alright, be quiet. If the the madam sees you here again, you know she's gonna tell bingo, so keep it discreet.

30:24Stealth is my middle name as long as Timothy is. It makes sense. Think about it. Right.

30:34Anyway. And she like mutters to herself, Abraham Timothy Venus.

30:40Has a ring to it, doesn't it?

30:43So she guides you down a couple stairs, and then she takes you kind of this like offshoot. This place is very like windy and kind of, I don't know, surprisingly complex for a brothel. And uh she brings you to this room at the end of the hall, and it has this like black spider in a skull like icon on it, and uh, she's like, Alright, this is it. This is Anna's room. Uh play it cool. I'm uh she's kind of a a big person around here. You gotta you gotta, you know, just follow my lead.

31:11All right. Is she like the pest exterminator or something with the sign on the door?

31:17No, it's just like her brand, you know. I don't know. Like it's kind of like a knockoff of Black Widow, but not really.

31:22Oh, yes, yes. Okay, quite, yeah. And I I'm not I'm not one to judge ever.

31:26So she knocks at the door and she's like, Hey Anna, you there? And uh you hear some rustling behind. The door opens, and what you see is a beautiful red-headed woman, like very every all the things uh Van Helsing values, like a very full, voluminous chest and long red hair. She's wearing like red lipstick, and then she has like a skull eye patch that she's wearing, and uh, but then she's also in, I don't know, like uh like a lace nightgown, because it's like you know, late at night or something. Oh yeah, yeah. And uh she's like, Greta, good to see you. What do you want? Oh uh hey and uh um well I I was wondering if we could come in for a sec. We had uh something to ask you.

32:09Who's we? I am with her. And yes, I have a boner.

32:16Nice to meet you, boner. Come in. Uh and she like waves you both in, and uh Greta goes on to say, like, uh Alright, Anna, listen, before you get excited, this isn't a business call. Well, not the usual business. This is my friend uh Abraham. She immediately gets interrupted by Anna, and Anna's like, I know who he is. This is this is uh Bingo's lapdog, Abraham Timothy of Van Hitelsing. What is he doing in my room and what do you want?

32:44First of all, a lap dog would suggest that I could actually fit on someone's lap, so the joke's on you. Secondly, it's I've become aware that I am now in charge of the Femme Fetalis via my exquisite eye patch. And thirdly, are you currently single or seeing anybody at the moment? Would you like a gift?

33:06Other Soviet sisters are singled. It's part of the pact that we make, but I am intrigued, Mr. Van Hersing. What makes you think you have any right claim over the Soviet sisters?

33:18Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I defeated the White Russian in hand to hand combat, one on one, no shady business whatsoever, and in so I believe that I have won the right to reign over these women, these unfuckable dames, minus you, of course. Extremely uh okay in my book. So let's go from there.

33:42Impossible. You could not have defeated the right Russian. I do not believe you, and if you are going to waste my time with games and show yourself out, and she starts like doing her like powdering her face and doing some makeup.

33:52Alright, fine. I'll I'll cut the crap. I did kill her, but it was with some soup. Spicy soup. Very spicy.

34:01You're telling me you killed the leader of the Soviet sisters with soup.

34:05Yes. I made a decoy. I made her a white Russian, which was weird, but I didn't have any vodka, so I just put milk and water together and some ice cubes. No, wait, sorry. I forgot the ice cubes. It'll haunt me till the end of time, believe me. And then I mixed it with my fingers, which were perfectly semi-clean. Enough. Okay.

34:25Enough. Even if this were true, that still gives you no claim to the white Russians without the eye patch of sovereignty. Nobody will take you seriously.

34:39Well, take a look at this. And then I turn and then put it on, but not looking at her, and then turn back into her by making like a zoolander face, blue steel. Like, ooh, look at that.

34:53She gasps, oh, is this true? And she looks and it has like uh has that same like skull with a spider crawling through it with like the Black Widow mark on it, and uh and she's like, You already did kill Z Right Washington, oh my god. Told you so. Well, what do you think is going to stop me from killing you right now and taking the eye patch for myself, and Hedosing?

From 35:00

35:18Because I have a deal with you, and if you hit care to hear me out, it can benefit us both and our partner Greta over here.

35:28Yep, I'm here too, doll.

35:31Yes, thank you, Greta.

35:33Very well. Close the door, Greta, with you on the other side of it, and I will hear Mr. Van Hitelsing out. Excellent.

35:41Oh no, I I mean I I was gonna stay too Oh, okay, nope, no right, alright, alright, uh, that has I got I'll see you upstairs. Don't forget my part of the deal.

35:50Don't worry, I never forget. Who are you again?

35:56She like walks out and closes the door. Anna is unbuttoning her lace a little bit and she's kind of like leaning back on her bed facing you and kind of giving you, you know, some like seduction, some charm. Okay, let me hear your deal, Mr. then hidden sing.

36:14First of all, calm your [expletive]. It isn't that kind of meeting. Put a blanket on or something. You're distracting me. I need to focus on the here and now. Now is the now. And here is my deal. I'm thinking that you get me out of here. Get me back to Belmont, my friend. And if we can do that, maybe fake my death, you know, Bingo stops looking for me and starts overbearing on me, and you sneak me out of here, then I shall give you this eye patch, and you can rule the Soviet sisters. Thoughts. Oh, also, uh side note, uh that lady that brought me in here wants to join you guys. That's not really on the table. It's just a little bonus. Take it or leave it, I don't give two [expletive].

37:05Very intriguing, Mr Van Hennessing. Firstly, nobody has ever denied this as she buttons up her shirt. Are you Are you, Nick?

37:17Uh no. I just don't want to kill you. A slow and painful death. You seem very nice.

37:23Oh, how very sweet of you, okay. Well, your plan sounds very agreeable, however, what makes you think Bingo will let you leave? Even if I were to get you out of this town, which is very hard, Gosherberg has lots of very confusing signs in streets. Sometimes I get lost on, you know, just going to the store, but neither here nor there. What makes you think Bingo will not go after you and pursue you until you are dead?

37:51That's what I'm saying. We need to to fake my death. You know, uh like uh a body or someone named Greta with a mustache and we kill her and then throw her on the side and be like, oh yes, that's Van Helsing, look at him float away, or attacked by wolves and there's nothing to see left, you know, something like that.

38:17Greta. Hmm.

38:19Well, you know, easy come, easy go.

38:23Very well, and then you will just hand over the eye patch once we convince Bingo that you are dead and leave the outskirts of this town.

38:32Yes, that is the arrangement. I believe it is very fair. It is fair.

38:37I will consider this treaty, but unfortunately the decision is not mine to make alone. We must meet at the summit of the Soviet Sisters. The passing on of the eye patch would involve many sisters and and I think this plan too would would maybe we would need to incorporate some of our muscle from our team. I will take you to the Soviet sisters, and if they agree, we will fulfil your plan and and we will make a deal.

39:03Alright, I like the sound of that. Now that business has been handled, you can go ahead and unbutton that blouse again. One more peek before I leave.

39:13Good night, the Van Hildesing. Meet me here at sunrise.

39:17I always ruin things. Alright, yeah.

39:19Alright, see you later. Before you go, she like takes a puff of her cigarette and then blows like a little heart. Uh and then like a spider, like in that puff cloud of a of a like heart, like a spider puff like crawls around of it and then like cuts it open and then it just like crumbles. And uh yeah.

39:39Um my god, that's disgusting. Haven't you heard of secondhand smoke? It's just as bad, if not worse, than me smoking myself. That is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. And a spider gross.

39:51Good night. And she closes the door.

39:53Sweet dreams.

39:54Greta is right outside, like, so'd they go for it in my Indo-Soviet sisters?

39:59Oh, you're totally in. Thumbs up all the way around. I had to pull some strings, and I had to do things very, very unmentionable things. Don't bring it up again, but you are in, my friend.

From 40:00

40:11Wow, you really are, friend. I honestly thought as soon as you closed that door that you were gonna forget about me and completely sell me out to the Soviet sisters.

40:20No, Ginger, I would never forget you. It's crap at it. Oh, yes. Sorry, I was looking at that plate of ginger over there. You know, my mind.

40:30Okay, well, what's uh so what do we do? What do we join? Where do we sign up?

40:34Me and you are going to go to some summit or something in the morning, and we're going to go with our good friend with the red hair and the lovely bosoms and follow her up there, and there you will be initiated into the group or something. I only half paid attention, I'm sorry.

40:49So you're gonna go back to Bingos tonight and then you'll meet here m in the morning? Is that what you're saying? Very first thing in the morning, yes. Alright, good. I'll have to uh ooh, I can't wait out to see what we can wear. Uh I think I probably have a few things in your size we could totally disguise you so nobody recognizes you.

41:06Oh good, good, thank goodness. I'm sure you have like one thing that will fit me. And maybe you could string some things together, and then that'll fit you.

41:14Hardy hard. Didn't you wear my belly dancer and waitress outfit at the last dinner?

41:19Alright, good night.

41:23Damn, he's good.

41:26As I fall down the stairs.

41:28Yeah. Not at all. Alright, so we'll say you're uh walking back late at night to the streets of Grocerburg, and uh as you get back outside of uh Bingo's hideout, you can see the uh the lights or the lamps or whatever, the lanterns are on, and uh indicating that bingo is still awake.

41:47Damn it! Here I am, walking the mean streets of Hersherper. And now I gotta come home to this. Get it together, Van Helsing. Alright, here we go.

41:59And I walk in. Van Helsing, is that you? Maybe.

42:05What were you doing out so late?

42:07Braiding hair. Who's here? Greta. She's a lady, she's my friend.

42:12Okay, that sounds great. Come here, my child.

42:15I I was kind of thinking about just going to bed, if that's okay with you. I'm up. Alright.

42:21You go into his chambers and he's sitting in he's sitting on this like wooden stool, very simple, and then he's like petting two like vicious-looking animals. I don't know. Like some kind of like. Where'd you get those hyenas? Yes. My hyenas. Ah, these were some of uh Joey Thritos' pets. Apparently he has a whole uh underground animal fighting arena, and uh now I've been able to free these animals and place them into my servitude.

42:53I should have guessed by looking down and then wearing Italian shoes.

42:58They all have the like Italian dunies. One of the hyena just cackles.

43:06Oh here I oh alright, I like that one.

43:09Van Hill Singh, why do you keep going out at night?

43:13You know, I just don't want to bother you while you're here conducting your evil empire business. I feel like I get in the way. So I figure it's best if I just go talk to Greta, and then we do things, you know, like non-shady business things, just like what girlfriends do. Come sit, my child. Where where? There's there's there's one stool and three hyenas. Like, where am I gonna sit?

43:35Yeah, he just like it's an empty room with just a floor at this point and three hyenas. It's like, oh, just anywhere, my child. Sit.

43:42Alright, I'll sit on the [expletive] floor. You know how hard it is for me to get no, it's no big deal, bingo, no big deal. Alright, here I go. You know how valued you are in this operation, don't you, Van Helsing? Hold on, still trying to get comfortable on the wooden floor. Alright, yeah. Maybe if I move my leg here. Alright. Yes, valuable.

44:01We really need to work on your flexibility. Anyway, uh you are just as much a part of this organization as the hyenas are. You are going to help me carry out one of the greatest uh plans of all time. And and I will not forget the generosity and the loyalty that you will provided when I become the Emperor of the Day.

44:24That hyena just pooped in my spare boots over there.

44:27Oh, he's been doing that all day. Stop. No, bad. And he like does like a thing where he like rubs its face in, like, no, don't do that.

44:34Caesar Malanet.

44:36What did he say?

44:37Caesar Malanet, though, with the dog whisperer or whatever.

44:42I didn't know that wasn't.

44:43Some people love him. It's a TLC show, Nate. You would never have watched it.

44:49Anyway, I want you to stop going out at night, Van Helsing. My plan, my preparations are nearly complete, and soon we will be gathering the three thing slingers and the turnbuckle teddies and the Soviet sisters together, and we will raid. Well, I don't need to get into too many details, but we will be entering an ancient tower of sorts. I need you at your best. I need you rested and ready to do what must be done.

From 45:00

45:18I just feel like I'm a grown man, and if I want to go out at night and braid hair with my girlfriends, like I should be able to do that, you know.

45:26Of course, of course. I would never get in your way of doing that. I would never want anything to happen to you or Greta at the brothel on the third floor in room six B. Oh, I see.

45:39You're very familiar with the brothel, you old pervert, you.

45:44An old Swami taught me.

45:46Nah.

45:47And he does like the like tummy sticks like just.

45:51Oh, that is a good trick.

45:54Anywho, go to bed, get some rest, and tomorrow we will begin our final preparations for the task at hand.

46:01Alright, uh, Van Helsing's heart is just pounding through his chest right now. Alright. I guess I'll just go to bed. I'll leave my boots down here.

46:10Um, that's gross. Yes, that's uh quite unfortunate. Uh I didn't think this whole hyena thing through, but beautiful shoes, though. It's very menacing, though, don't you agree? I mean, just being surrounded by three hyenas.

46:24Yes, this one sitting next to me on the wooden floor is very menacing. He's breathing on me. It's very gross, it's hot and sticky. Can you help me up, bingo? I'm stuck. Of course, my child.

46:36And he like helps you up, he like walks you over to your room, tucks you into bed, which he does every single night that you're there. And then he's uh by the way, the hyenas are sleeping in your room. And then he like walks out and closes the door. What yeah, you're in your bedroom. Uh it's very late at night, and there's three hyenas just like staring at you.

46:57They kicked me off the bed, and I'm sleeping on like a little towel on the floor, just crying.

47:07So it's getting, I don't know, let's say it's like close to like 4 30 a.m. Like, you know, sun sunrise is about to come up soon. And uh what are you gonna do?

47:16Alright. I'm very stealthily going to open up my window and try as you do that.

47:23One of the hyenas starts like cackling really loudly, like making a loud noise.

47:26Yes, there was a good joke. There wasn't it? Oh yes. Back to bed for me.

47:34As soon as you like close the window down, it stops making noise again and puts its head down.

47:38Well, son of a [expletive], this is gonna be harder than I thought. Alright. New plan. What do I have in my room? What are my surroundings?

47:47Yeah, you have um there is a lantern that is currently out, but kind of hanging from the wall. You have a coat rack with a bunch of just like your one coat hanging up and then a bunch of like pegs. Uh, you have a wardrobe that when you open it, it's like dusty and there's not clothes in there. Uh or not clothes for you. It's maybe some old clothes, whoever originally owned the house. And then there's like an old dusty mirror you haven't cleaned off of um like a wall, tall, a tall like wall mirror.

48:14Okay.

48:15Um, that's about it. But you've kind of just been living in someone else's house, so not having really, you know, acquired anything of your own yet to put in this room.

48:23All right. I want to take the lantern off the wall. Oil lantern, correct? Yes. Okay. I'm going to light it. And then I'm going to throw it on the bed with the hyenas, engulfing them in flames.

48:37Okay, yeah. So um you do that, and uh the hyenas immediately start making a ton of noise and start clawing at the door to go out, and uh the room is filling with smoke. Awesome.

48:51Now I shall open the door and scream, fire, fire, bingo, get out of here, save yourself, fire, and then try to run, open the door and crawl basically on all fours to avoid the smoke, and then try to get out of there, blending in with the fiery hyenas.

49:06Okay, yeah. So you do that, and the hyenas run out, uh, and they go up to Bingo's room and you start hearing they're making like loud noises, and you start hearing some coughing, and bingo's like, What is the meaning of this?

49:20Uh the one of the hyenas spontaneously combusted. I'm gonna go for a jog. See you later. Bye.

49:29Uh okay, and then you just say you like run out.

49:32Yeah, I'm gonna try to.

49:33I'm gonna say, yeah, you you leave, uh, you leave, and uh you like look back as you turn around and you see like your bedroom is clearly like still engulfed in flames, and you can hear like there's some commotion going on. Um, some of the three-toed three thing slingers are also in that hideout, and they you can see that from the window, they're like trying to like douse your bed, and yeah, you go on your merry way just in time as the sun starts to come up.

49:58All right, if I see any um pedestrians on the road as I'm walking, I'll just be like, good morning.

From 50:00

50:05Uh funny thing, did you know hyenas just spontaneously combust?

50:09It's something they don't teach you in schools, it's crazy. Yes, good morning, Gosher Burger Friggers. Yes, good morning.

50:16Awesome. And you arrive at the brothel.

50:18I'm gonna take a look around. I'm gonna make sure that I wasn't followed, or at least try my best and look for the red-haired dame and Greta. Whose room do you go up to first? Greta's is far away, so I'm gonna go up to the red-haired dame's.

50:34So as you go up, you like go about to like knock on the door, and as you go, like press your you know, your knuckles against the the wood, it opens before you even have a chance, and she's like, right on time. I would never have picked you for somebody who can stick to a plan, Van Helsing. And then she like caresses your face.

50:51Well, let's just say my room caught on fire and I was forced to leave. Is that uh euphemism? Yes, from my country. It's very popular with people.

51:01Oh, okay. My preparations are almost met. We will make our journey soon. Are you to go get Greta before we go?

51:09Yes, aka the body double. I will go and get her ASAP.

51:14Very good. Get her and uh sneak out to the kitchen entry and we will make our way to the hideout of the Soviet sisters.

51:21Alright, hold on. I have to write down kitchen entry so I don't forget. And I run upstairs.

51:27Uh when you get to Greta's room, the door is ajar.

51:30Hmm, this is odd. Nobody comes in this room. Ever. I still very stealthily kick down the door.

51:39You do that, and what you see is Greta appears to be sleeping still, um, with her back kinda she's like on her side facing the wall, and you just see her back under the covers.

51:51Come on, little piggy, time to wake up. And I go and open up the blinds, uh shaking some towels and stuff around, getting some dust knocked loose, you know. Um, come on, time to wake up, Greta.

52:03She doesn't respond.

52:04Huh. That's odd. Maybe I should braid her hair a little bit. And I play with her hair a little bit, and I kind of whisper in her ear, like, Come on, you fat lazy piece of [expletive]. It's time to get up. You have things to do, very important things.

52:17And as you're like braiding her hair, you like pull really hard as you start to get impatient, and you like toss her over a little bit, and you see like these like black veins like running up her face, and her like eyes are like black, and then uh there's also like something like dripping from her mouth, and it she looks for sure unconscious.

52:37Hmm. I'm no doctor, but she doesn't look like she did yesterday, I don't think. I'm gonna try slapping her on the face a couple of times. If there's some water nearby, I'm gonna dump some water on her face.

52:50Uh, you do all that and there's no response. You look over at the window and it's ajar. Um, and then you look further around the room and you see a note uh pinned to the wall with like a like a d a knife.

53:02Hmm. That's very odd. Nobody would come up here that owns a knife, unless it's the kitchen staff. They come up here frequently. She eats quite a bit. I'm gonna read the note.

53:14It uh it says To whom it may concern. That's me. It was very unfortunate that you made me do this. I'm afraid that if you continue to disobey my orders, there will be a trail of blood on your hands, one that you will not be able to recover from. Return home at once. XOXO bingo.

53:34Hmm. This could have been meant for anybody. Like, why should I take this as a personal attack against me?

53:40PS Ben Helsing, since I know you'll get confused by the anomaly. This is clearly for you. I killed your friend.

53:48Hmm, that is a little bit more specific now, isn't it?

53:52PSS. The Hunus keep [expletive] in the house. I think this was a terrible idea.

53:57I could have told him that. Wait, why am I talking to his note? Alright. I need to think of a plan. I'm gonna steal some outfits out of her trunk, and then try to run down to the and I check my notes. The kitchen entry.

54:13Awesome. You open her wardrobe, and uh there's a bunch of like elaborate dresses of uh an extra large size, and then I don't know, there is two other ones. There is this like safari outfit, and then there is also a like black leather suit, skin tight type deal.

54:34I'm gonna stuff them all in a bag because I love a good safari outfit, and then the black leather will be for later tonight with me and the red-haired dame. And before I leave, I need to make a decoy of some kind. Obviously, I'm being watched by bingo, so I'm going to try my best to prop up Greta, walk her over to the window, and say, Attention, people of Grocer Burger Grossberger, I am not happy.

From 55:00

55:02And this is what unhappy people do. Goodbye, crew world, and I push her out the window.

55:13She um she gets stuck. So it does not completely go through the window, and now there's just a large woman um kind of wedged into the window.

55:22Alright, Van Helsing, quick thinking. I run down to the kitchen, not to go out the entry, but I grab a stick of butter and then I run back up and I butter up the sides of Greta and continue to push her out the window.

55:35From outside, there's a citizen of grocery burger who's just slowly watching this woman with like black veins, black eyes. She's like drooling, and she's just slowly being pushed out this window, and then suddenly there's just like a loud thud, and she like drops onto the roof and then like just kind of rolls a little bit and just drops, and he's like, What the [expletive]?

56:04Oh my god, what a freak accident! Bye. You say that in the window like that, he sees butter all over my hands.

56:15All right, so you run down in the kitchen. Hey, over here is Anna, and uh she's has like a hat and like something like pulled over her face, maybe some sunglasses, and she's wearing like our collar up and like a trench coat, and she's like, quickly, we must go now. You have made quite a scene.

56:32–56:40[Editorial omission.]

56:40The plan was to use her as your body double, not to grease her out the window.

56:44Well, don't worry, I have a disguise. And I quickly throw on the safari outfit.

56:54Yes, very discrete for nursing. Follow me. Thank you. She rolls her eyes. Um, she opens like a cabinet in the kitchen, and it actually goes into this like closet, which goes into this like tunnel, and you find your way quickly into the sewers of Grocer Burger.

57:13Uh, maybe I should have worn the leather outfit.

57:16I don't think it would have made much of a difference when he'll sing. Hurry, we must go quickly. I think bingo is on to you and perhaps both of us. This is very precarious. Alright, but if I see a cute rat, I'm gonna nab him. So you guys are going down, she winds you left and right, and uh as you're going through, she's just talking about um she gets to know you, she's like, Why don't you just stay with Bingo? I think he's a powerful man, you could maybe have a very high rank in his organization.

57:46Honestly, I just figured this out like a couple of days ago. But I'm pretty sure he's pure evil. And uh that's not my cup of tea anymore, you know. Like I'm not even a fan of tea, let alone evil tea. Evil tea.

58:02Jot that down for later. What's wrong with being a little evil van Henel Singh? She stops and turns to you. Sometimes doing the wrong thing can feel so right. And she like winks at you.

58:15Wait. Oh are we talking about sexual things? Cuz trust me, sometimes there are things you can do wrong, I've been told many a time.

58:23Niet! And she like slaps you.

58:26Oh, I kinda liked that.

58:28And she like is looking off in the distance, kinda like monologuing. She's like, the Soviet system to be said a bit. And even someone with your allure um cannot sway me to do what should not be done.

58:43I call it sexual magnitude, and I puff up my chest and its little chest hairs poking up through my safari outfit. Hmm. Let's go.

58:53But let's just say, you know, like there have been occasions where I've met people that are celibates, and I got them to change their mind most regrettably.

59:02So anyway, you like come out, come to like the end of the sewers. Uh, you've passed many rats at this point, um, all of which kind of give you like a little head bow. Sir.

59:13Good morning. Yes.

59:14Yep. Sir. And uh you kind of come out, you go out. Uh you know those like, I don't know, big circular pipes that just a bunch of [expletive] chewage comes out of. You guys like come out of one of those and you're kind of in this forested area outside of Gosh Your Burger.

59:29Now I'm telling you, the smell of this sewer is awfully a lot like my own scent. So if you can handle being down here, I'm telling you, one five-minute back rub isn't going to gross you out, I promise you. Oh, look, we're here.

59:42Now listen to me, Ivan Singh. These women will not be very happy that you helped boys in our leader possess the sovereign eye patch uh of the Soviet sisters. They're not going to want to follow anyone, let alone a man. So you must follow my lead and be very careful what you say.

From 60:00

60:02I am always careful of what I say. Sometimes.

60:06So then you guys like are traversing through the stuff and uh through the forest. You go through um this kind of clearing, and then there's this kind of like mountainous area you get to, and then she points up ahead and she's like, This is it. This is the Soviet sisters. We meet here once a fortnight to discuss matters of trade roots and other important jobs.

60:30Yes. The hand kind. Keep going. I'll laugh later about it.

60:36So you like come up to this like kind of cave, and it looks like it's like totally, you know, it's like a very shallow cave you go in, but you can't get very far. And then she like goes over to one of the areas and like turns a rock, like you know, like clockwise, and it like rotates, and then you hear uh somebody else who's there? It is I Anastasia Notkrakendov. I have a prisoner with me who has unique information as to the whereabouts of the Russian and our enemy bingo.

61:15Prisoner? You didn't say anything about prisoner, like I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go with the flow, I'll go with the flow.

61:20And she like slaps you again. Silence, you scum of a man. And uh the prison at the door says, uh yes, okay, okay. Uh let me open up the gates. And you hear like a bunch of like cave scratching or whatever, and a giant like door opens, and you guys go in. Very roomy in here. She grabs your hands, ties them up really quick. She's like, You're going to need to act the pot if you want to get this deal through understand.

61:50I believe I follow.

61:51This isn't the first time I've roeblaid with a seductress such as yourself.

61:56Excellent. And she sticks like a ball gag in your mouth and then like ties it and then uh starts like pulling you on like a leash forward. And as you wind down into like the depths of this like little like cave mountain, you start to see that there's like a bunch of these like leather women, all with like eye patches and uh lots of skin exposed, and uh you're in this like kind of like mine of Soviet sisters.

62:25I want to say at one point we walk by a mirror and I glance in it, and then it looks like I'm just a piggy with an apple in my mouth, and I'm a little disappointed. So I suck in my gut a little bit.

62:38Sisters, join me in the congregation room. We have a very special guest. Yeah. All the sisters are like poking their heads out from these like different like sections of like this labyrinth, and uh they start like whispering to each other. Uh it becomes clear to you that there's maybe not men here very often or ever.

63:04Hmm. That makes me even more aroused. But all that comes out is Yeah.

63:11So now you're this like guy with like a ball gag and in a safari suit with a boner, just being like led around on a leash. And you like come to this like stage area, and then there is um like this like stone throne, maybe like some different like tables where a bunch of like women are are seated and they ring some kind of like big [expletive] like black bell, and suddenly like all the Soviet sisters gather in this room. Silence, silence my sisters! It is I Anna Stasia that Krakadov. I have brought to a special gift this evening. It is the Abraham Ven Helesing, lapdog of Zibingo Vengo, and and she pauses, murderer of White Russian.

64:02I gasp too, even though I'm wearing a ball gap.

64:07Uh so they all gasp, and right away there's a bunch of like start to hear like arguments and yelling, and like, it's impossible. Nobody can defeat Red Russian, let alone a man, let alone a fat piggy man who cannot what is he even doing? Why why does he all tied up like that? Tear rolling down my cheek. This little piggy came to me in the night for some entertainment, but I quickly discovered his identity and tried him up. And as the sexual pig that he is, figured I would uh present him to our review this evening. And again, more yelling and discussion. And they're like, light him on fire. There should be no man here.

64:07And then you hear uh you hear one person like wait, and uh there's like silence, and then like the the the like part of the sisters clear, and there's this one like very portly leather woman with uh an eye patch, and she's like, let him speak. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and uh Anastasia like unties like the ball gag from your mouth but keeps your hands bound.

From 65:00

65:16First of all, thank you, seductive lady in leather. And secondly, I just want to state that you can't spell manners without man. Boo, come on now, that was a good one. It seems you ladies have forgotten your manners. Now, if you care to hear the real story of what happened that fateful night, I shall tell you.

65:41But only if like you take your tops off. We will not do that to to make it click, or we will take your head off, then Hersing.

65:48Alright, fair enough. I had to try. Now, let me move my safari pants a little bit. I'm a little uncomfortable on stage. Oh no. Is that pre stuff down there? Oh, that's embarrassing. Damn khakis, I should have worn darker clothes. The leather should have gone with the leather, you know.

66:09Get to the point of niting. We are 399 impatient dames.

66:14Now, you hate Bingo and I hate Bingo. And the truth is Bingo killed the white Russian. I merely made her a drink and served her soup.

66:25No [expletive] is your luck. You clearly could not kill a ladybug, let alone a lady killer like White Russian.

66:32Exactly.

66:33We know you did not kill her, but it doesn't matter. You work for Bingo and we will take from Bingo what he has taken from us. Why should we give you any light of day?

66:43Because I do not work for Bingo. I am Bingo's slave. He has captured me. Against my will, obviously, that's what slavery is. It's a thing where someone takes you against your will and forces you to do things. That is what happened to me, Abraham Timothy Van Helsing.

67:00You do not need to explain slavery to women. Despite being fifty one percent of the population, we are still forced to work for men in power.

67:09Yes, at very affordable rates, I'm sure.

67:12So you what do you want, Van Edzing? You come here, the lair of the Soviet sisters, expecting us not to kill you, already a very big gesture. What do you have to offer us?

67:26Information and an eye patch. Now, McNibbles. A little rat scurries out from my thing and grabs the notepad and then flips it open for me on my shoulder. Let me get comfy and read this. I have the information that what Bingo plans to do. And I shall give that to you free of charge. And this eye patch, McNibbles. He also scurries in my pants a little bit. He gets stuck a little bit. Um, but he manages to come out and then gives me a look of disgust. I'm sorry, McNibbles. And then he has the eye patch in his mouth.

68:02And just to clarify, uh, you're calling this rat McNibbles, but this is not the McNibbles that died like seven episodes ago.

68:09No, this is McNibbles number 27.

68:12Oh, there's been many.

68:13Yes.

68:14Anastasia walks up and she plants her li supple lips on you and gives you a crazy kiss with like a bunch of tongue, and then pulls away, grabbing both the eye patch and the notepad out of your hands.

68:28Well, if I die now, I'm fine with that too. It don't matter to me. That was awesome.

68:33So she's like flipping through the notepad and just see. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I see. So Bingo, ladies, and gentlemen, singular. Thank you. Plans to take over Zeday and work with Dracula to let him ruin the night. Are we going to let that happen, ladies? And you hear, no, no, not. And a bunch of like loud and like cheering. And are we going to let this man be a part of our ranks? And you hear, no, yet. She's like, well, I tried. You're going to die, I'm hitting.

69:08Fair enough. Easy come, easy go. Now give me another kiss.

69:13Wait, don't kill him. Ginge? It's not ginch.

69:17It's Greta. And she like takes off her like hood. And it is, in fact.

69:26Wow, this is amazing. Like just an hour ago, you were on death's door. And here you are to save me, I hope.

69:34That wasn't me. That was an inflatable bag of hyena [expletive]. I knew Bingo was on to me. I also had to test that you could be trusted. I actually thought you would be the one to kill me in my sleep, but you well left an impression on me. One that I won't soon forget. I am already a Soviet sister, as I'm sure you surmised. What as that's happening, you start to see this like uh some of the like the lanterns in the cave start to go out like and you hear some commotion like what's going on? Who is this? What's going on? And everybody's like confused. All the all the lanterns are out now, and it's like super dark, and she's like, Fen Housing, what's going on? I this is what's g this is confusing.

69:34I'm I'm confused, I'm scared. McNibbles, high alert. No, I'm scared because you have me pinned in the dark, and I don't trust a man like you to do honorable things with women like me.

From 70:00

70:33Oh, trust me, Greta, you're my friend. Yeah, just my friend.

70:38And as you say that, so like a bunch you start to see these like flashes of white light, and then suddenly a giant white celestial figure starts to phase into the room, and he's like glowing. And uh like at first, like the image of like a man like shakes and vibrates, and then it like solidifies, and it's this like giant-looking guy who looks vaguely familiar to you.

71:02Hmm, that giant-looking guy looks vaguely familiar to me.

71:11The lingering sentiment of Victor Belmont.

71:16Victor Belmont, Victor Belmont. Doesn't ring a bell. You [expletive] my wife. Well, that doesn't ring a bell either. There's so many wives, you know.

71:29You were hired for multiple roles in my house at the Belmont estate and raised my child as your own, even though he was your own, but I raised him as my own.

71:41Again, you're going to have to be a little more.

71:43It's Victor, you piece of [expletive].

71:45Oh, Victor, hi! Yes, I am here to get my revenge. Right now, now's not a good time. We are just ready to have an orgy. Silence! Had to throw it out there.

71:58All the lamps come on, and you see like all the women have like weapons, they're kind of like all like surrounded this like specter. Who are these women?

72:08I call them my lady friends, but you know, they're potential courts, you know, that I was gonna take on dates, maybe one at a time, and then they'd eventually fall in love with me.

72:18A white vein appears in like the Spectre's head, and he's like, Stop stealing away! Then he begins to like rampage. Well, [expletive]. So he like moves towards you, but like the women are like throwing, they're trying to like tie up his like legs, and they're like throwing like daggers and stuff at him, but it's just like phasing through him, and he's like, Van Helsing, you ruined my life.

72:42I mean, I've ruined so many men's lives. Like, I'm sorry. Can't we blame this on bingo? Let's blame it on bingo.

72:49No, you are the one who slept with my wife, not bingo.

72:54Well, technically, bingo did that one time as well. With the silence! Oh, yeah, the found the fondue, you know.

73:02He starts to like vibrate, and all like the women like trying to like scale him and stuff get thrown off.

73:07Bite me like a man, you coward.

73:10Alright. Uh, how do you suppose we do this? I've never fought a ghost before.

73:15And he tries to like send a giant's like spectral fist down at your stage.

73:21Oh, I dodge behind somebody.

73:24Greta. Yeah. It uh it phases through her, but totally hits you, and you're like thrown 10 feet back with like the impact.

73:35Are you okay? Squeak, squeak. Okay.

73:38Wow, I'd never expected that to happen.

73:41You ruined my life financing, my family. Everything was great until you came along.

73:48I mean, was it really though? Like obviously you weren't pleasing your wife, otherwise she wouldn't have came to me, who, you know, am I a mutual agreement? Well, alright, that's kind of weird, but uh you know, I was there and she loves me. Where is my wife and dancing? Oh, she died a long time ago. You see, there's this thing that happens where the ladies love me and then they die.

74:12No and it like shakes in like rage, and uh you start to hear like um like the cave is shaking, and you're starting to hear like rocks start to like come down, and you're kind of getting the impression that this place might totally cave in if you don't get the [expletive] out of here.

74:28Well, I'm gonna go ahead and leave.

74:31Silence! You will join me in hell.

74:36No, I don't think I will. That sounds awful.

74:40Uh, as you're doing that, the women now are all like trying to like throw spear, like they're like desperately trying to like fight the specter, and he starts like swatting them, and like he's like hitting the walls, and I don't know, some things he phases through, but other things he actually collides with.

74:56Don't run away from me, then Helsing. I will have my revenge.

From 75:00

75:01I've never been known to run, it's more of a brisk walk, but I'm going as fast as I can. And for an assassin's guild made entirely of women, this is about what I expected.

75:14As you say that, Greta's like, Van Helsing, over here. And she uh kind of she's like behind like a rock somewhere and she's like, Follow me, I know the secret passage. Oh, you got it, babe. As you do that, uh, you're like approaching her, you're like swiftly, briskly walking, as you do. Anastasia comes behind you and sneaks up behind you and puts a knife to your throat, and she says, S Nit, you must stop the Spectre before he kills all of us. He's going to bring this entire mountain down on us. You need to make amends.

75:45I don't really know how to do that, so I'm just going to leave. If that's okay with you.

75:50And she like holds the knife closer to your throat. I'm not asking Vin Helsing.

75:56All right, but here's a little information for you.

75:58When you placed your tongue in my mouth, uh something called the gift was transposed over to you. I have in my pocket the cure for said gift. Now I will give it to you free of charge if you let me and Greta continue on our way.

76:14I gave you a bit of my own gift. I guess we both would be dying of poison.

76:19Whoa touche. But did you know my gift is stronger than any other gift?

76:27Starts like coughing.

76:28Exactly. I make out with rats. I'm unfazed.

76:34Fine when I sing if you are going to cavalry on a day like you always do, then do it. But give me the eye patch before you go.

76:41Alright, here's the eye patch. Here's the antidote. Now look me in the eyes. Did you ever really love me?

76:49Yet. And then she kisses you one more time, even though she already got sick from it, and then she turns, no go, I'll take care of Daddy issues.

76:58Thank you. You're the best. Whatever your name is. It's It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Goodbye.

77:06I love you. Goodbye. As you as you like run forward, you meet back up with Greta, and she's like, Do I do I get a kiss like that? I'm I'm actually the one that's gonna, you know, get you out of here.

77:16I would, Greta, but I don't want you to die. You're my friend right now, in this moment that's convenient to me.

77:23But you almost killed Anastasia Nutkrakenov.

77:26Yes, but that kiss was totally worth it. You know what I'm saying? Okay. Alright, fine. I'll I'll give you another, I'll give you a peck on the cheek as that when we get out of here.

77:35Okay.

77:36And uh sweaty ham hock of a cheek.

77:39I'm right here. Sorry.

77:41I was talking to McNibbles. You guys are like, you know, narrowly like going through these like passages, and you just hear like lots of commotion out of that room, and you're like, ah la la la la la. Like just all kinds of like crazy female warrior fighting cliche noises. Um yeah, and then uh uh but you also hear like the cave like rumbling, rumbling, and you know, in the distance, you're like, This isn't the end of the sun.

78:05I'm pretty sure it is, I'm leaving.

78:08And then the like it's the the cave starts to like cave in, the passage starts to cave in, and you hear lots of like rumbling and loud thuds and uh vibrations and and quakes and shakes, and then you guys exit out the back of the mountain, and it's just you and Greta.

78:24Greta, I need to tell you something right now before I forget.

78:27Yes, I'm I'm listening, Ben Hesting.

78:30I am a man of honor, and when I'm wrong, I will admit it. Those ladies were not unfuckable dames. A lot of them were really attractive. So is this it? Here we are.

78:44Well, this didn't go as planned. You don't have the eye patch. Uh you've probably killed half the Soviet sisters with some kind of grudge you have with a giant ghost. Yes. And Bingo by now will definitely be on to you.

78:59He tried to kill my Yes, the sack of manure, hyena manure that was inflatable, yes. I'm surprised you didn't smell it when you pushed out the window. It's very odd. Honestly, I thought it was this I thought it was you. If I'm being honest.

79:15It's like funny enough, that's also what you smell like, so I guess we're both full of [expletive], huh?

79:20Touche, touche, but to be fair, I thought you were just having an off day, you know, like ladies. I'm I don't really understand ladies, but uh, you know.

79:28Anyway, what's next, Van Helsing? Nothing really went to plan, and all we have is each other.

79:34Yes. There's only one thing left for me to do. I am going to find my friend, Belmont. I'll do whatever it takes to find him. And if it gets cold, you shall keep me company, and I will cut you open like a tauntaun and sleep inside of you. And we will call it there. That was Action Pact. Action Helsing. Yes, all me, 24-7.

79:59I think my favorite part by far was the hyenas.

From 80:00

80:05I just pictured in my head like I'm going to go sleep on the bed, and they're looking at me like, no, you're not.

80:11Just a menacing.

80:12Yeah, like, okay, I'll sleep over here on the floor with this torn-up blanky.

80:18Awesome. I'm excited. I'm hoping we're approaching a point in the story soon where we can combine Van Helsing and uh Belmont and Niana's Ghenny, and maybe some of your new friends, maybe Greta, maybe uh Anastasia Nutcrackov.

80:41You know she's going to survive. She's a fighter.

80:45I literally just did nutcracker and then put a dove. I don't know. I loved it. I loved it. Don't if we've learned anything from this campaign, it's that do not trust me to make names on the spot.

80:58Yes, I've forgotten it already.

81:00Well, thank you, Nate. Uh, good look at your tournament. I look forward to hearing all about it. I hope to see social media with our t-shirt everywhere. Yes.

81:08Oh, and before we go, Nate, uh, big news for the listeners. We have reached a milestone as far as uh downloads or listens. Is that correct?

81:17Oh, wow, that is totally right. I I had almost forgotten. We are celebrating. We uh probably with this episode or just just around this time of a publication, hit our 10,000th play.

81:30Van Helsing Boner.

81:31That's pretty crazy. And only maybe 10% of that is plays from us. Right. So that's pretty, pretty great.

81:38I listen a lot.

81:40Yeah.

81:41Same. But yeah, pretty, pretty big milestone for us. We have something, what, 60 some plus episodes, um, hours and hours of us making funny voices and inappropriate jokes. And uh thanks if you're listening. And if you've listened to all our episodes or you've been following along even over the break, uh, thank you. And more of this garbage to come.

82:03We appreciate you. And if you want to see us in person, we will be at the Phoenix Fan Fusion. When is that, Nate?

82:11June 2nd, 3rd, and 4th in the Phoenix Convention Center. And we are giving away a [expletive] ton of stuff, Nate. Like stickers. We are spending some money. We got stickers, we got drawstring bags, we got we're gonna have dice bags, and then we're gonna be raffling off some cool [expletive] prizes, Nate. So all you have to do is give us a follow. Which, if if you're listening, if you just tell us you're already following us, you will get your free stuff.

82:34Yes, and I will be manning the uh Van Helsing Kissing booth. Not really. For the anybody interested. No dudes alive. Yeah, no, thank you.

82:47All right, thanks for listening, and we will see you next week.

82:50Thank you, and bye.